Work Text:
“And it's hard sometimes, you know? It's like you mess up once and these people decided never to forgive you.”
Takumi just wanted to enjoy his meal in peace.
He overslept and found himself alone in the deserted cafeteria to fix himself some late lunch that would hopefully wake him up enough to carry on with the day. In came Gaku, who probably woke up late as well because he slammed down this mega-sized bowl of ramen next to Takumi and is now slurping from it while ranting away about his current troubles with other SDU members for, like, the fifth time since the war started. It's like a broken record by now.
“Dunno if you noticed, but now I can't say anything without being made into a joke! I can suggest something totally normal and be called creepy for it, but somebody else brings it up and they're a genius. I say that I'm worried about something, and they either blow me off or call me a wuss for it. It's just... I don't understand, man. I can't have any dialogue with most people. Even Ginzaki seems to find every excuse not to talk to me. Does he think I'm at his same level? Not that I do think that, I mean, he seems to be just a little dude with horrible self-esteem issues, which I get...”
Eyebrow twitching, Takumi bites down on his piece of katsudon a bit too hard. His jaw hurts.
“Man, I don't have time for this! As we speak, I should be at work bringing money to my family! I told you about how I used to have a big brother who left and dumped all his duties on me, right? Well, I... wonder how he's doing, but also screw him! Ugh... He'd better catch up with the kids now that I'm gone. My parents are strong enough, but without me, it's just gonna be harder to manage all that. I hope they're okay. I hope my sister, who's sick, is also getting taken care of...”
Gaku sighs, stirring his ramen. Takumi thinks the rant is finally over, but he'll soon curse his own naivety.
“Nobody here feels bad for me. Yakushiji keeps growling about how I should be a man and get stronger, but I've been working my butt off for years—isn't that something a man would do? Why should I work even harder when hemoanima already makes me capable of lifting that stupid huge gun? Why am I supposed to just take the insults and move on while genuinely vile people like Oosuzuki can throw their weight around and receive no repercussions? How am I supposed to keep going when everybody is against me for such unfair reasons? You understand me, don't you, Sumino? I know being a leader can be hard, and it's not like you chose to be one, so you know a thing or two about unfairness, right?”
...
Takumi slams the chopsticks to the table, startling Gaku.
“What I'm understanding here,” he says, regarding the other boy with a cold gaze, “is that the world would be a better place if you were less annoying.”
Gaku's jaw hangs helplessly. “... Huh?”
“Don't huh me, Maruko, you heard me right.” Takumi jabs a finger towards Gaku's chest. “Enough with your bullshit! You whine and whine about the same things and never do anything to change. People here can't stand you because you'd rather cry and let everybody know that you're crying instead of admitting your mistakes. There's so much wrong in you that I don't even wanna bother listing every instance because you would get all defensive anyway.”
He glowers at Gaku, baring his teeth. Anger that he didn't know he had in him bubbles within his stomach. “Making yourself out to be a victim and doing nothing to be a better person makes you annoying at best and scum at worst. Newsflash, dude, the world is unfair not just for you, but the rest of us, too! We're in a war, for god's sake! Just grow the hell up already, I've got no time to tolerate you on top of being the responsible leader you all appointed me to be.”
By now, the air has changed. Takumi feels a chill breeze blow past the incensed nape of his neck, but he ignores it. In front of him, Gaku looks shocked, the start of tears pooling in his ruby red eyes. His lip quivers, but no sound comes out. The more Takumi looks at him, the more his anger abates, and a tiny fragment of regret wedges itself in his chest.
The chair scrapes from under Gaku as he stands up abruptly. A wobbly, hurt smile makes way on his flushed face.
“Y-You're right, Sumino, haha... How did I n-not... think of it before... The problem is me, isn't it?” His voice breaks as a hand comes up to his chest and grips the front of his shirt. “It's all me. It's my f-fault. I should... change... I should... b-but I don't know how... I...” His whole frame trembles, tears now spilling one by one. “Should be stronger... yeah, you—you're absolutely right. I'm the worst... I'm scum a-and... you hate me... y-you... you hate me too... I'm sorry...!”
Takumi's eyes widen like plates. He didn't expect this sort of reaction, but he should have, shouldn't he? Regret grows larger, stabbing him through. He let his irritation get the best of him and focused on Gaku's voice instead of what he was talking about. His family... god, he even forgot that Gaku mentioned his family!
He stands up as well, holding a hand towards Gaku. “Wait! Wait a sec, I—I've said too much, I'm sorry-”
“No, S-Sumino, you were right-” Gaku shakes his head, looking as though he's seconds away from shattering into pieces. “I'm a piece of garbage... my room is also garbage, so I'm part of it, right...” He starts taking some steps back, retreating towards the door. It's like every second he spends here is hurting him more. “I never do anything right and it shows and all of you hate me and maybe I should just be out of your hair and leave you all alone and stop existing—”
“Maruko—” Takumi quickly reduces the distance between them. “I don't hate you. I swear.”
“Don't... Don't lie to me,” Gaku mutters, hugging himself, his chest stuttering as sobs come out brokenly. “You said it just now that I'm annoying... if-... if m-my presence disturbs you so much then I'll... I won't bother you anymore...”
He looks like a hurt little animal, and something inside Takumi's chest squeezes. What a fucking idiot he is, for thinking he was actually helping Gaku by hurling those words born from anger rather than a genuine desire to see him get better.
Impulse tells him that Gaku should absolutely not leave his sight, and so he does the unthinkable, reaching out with both arms and pulling the other boy into a tight hug. He can feel the violent shaking in his hold, the way Gaku gasps as his face is burrowed into Takumi's chest, the way he feels so small and defenseless as his hands curl around Takumi's jacket.
Oh, he fucked up. He so fucked up. He should honestly punch himself for being so stupid. But that won't help Gaku feel better.
“I'm not lying,” Takumi says, stroking Gaku's head through his cap. “I really don't hate you. I might feel annoyance or frustration, but it's never hate. You would have to do something unforgivable for me to reach that point. And even then...” He holds him tighter. “You're one of the SDU. A capable soldier like the rest of us. Our mood maker. I've been on another timeline before this one, as you know, and I've seen all that you've done for us. Even though it's not recognized by most people here, you're already doing your part, and for that I'm grateful. I should have shown my gratitude from the start. But I'm...” A heavy sigh leaves his lips. “I'm honestly dumb and contributed to the problem. I won't try to justify myself here, Maruko. I won't say my intentions were good when I said... all that, because they weren't.”
His other hand starts rubbing circles over Gaku's back.
“The root of the problem does exist, and I do believe you need to work harder to be a better person, but... I went about it the wrong way, and it didn't help you; it made you... m-made you cry, and I'm sorry, Maruko. I really am sorry.”
Gaku doesn't move for a long minute. A little sound comes from his chest, then another, before it becomes a litany of wailing that singlehandedly breaks Takumi's heart. Sobbing out loud into his chest, Gaku lets out his hurt and Takumi readily takes it, waves of vibrations passing through him. Takumi lets out another heavy sigh, sniffling but trying to be strong for the shorter boy who had had enough of a terrible life that he didn't need his shitty leader to make it worse.
He really should take a page from his own book and do some growing the hell up, as well.
Thankfully nobody walks in on them hugging and crying together. When everything calms down, he sees Gaku look contrite, eyes downcast, a line of snot connecting the tip of his nose to Takumi's hoodie. It's gross, but somehow that makes Takumi chuckle a bit as he pets Gaku's head. “Did that help? Are you feeling better?”
Gaku nods, smearing that snot further down. Takumi won't get mad; he deserved it after all.
“The food must've gone cold now,” he says. “Should we throw it away and get more from the ration-o-matic?”
“... 'm not hungry anymore,” Gaku mutters, shaking his head.
“Okay,” Takumi says. Honestly, his appetite has been killed, too. “Wanna stay here? Hang out somewhere else? Or do you wanna go back to your room?”
Gaku moves his head up, big red eyes full of tears staring up at Takumi—who has a double take as his cheeks grow warmer all of a sudden. Huh. What was that?
“Courtyard,” Gaku merely says, pushing himself further into Takumi's embrace. Is he expecting him to carry him?!
“Alright, uhh...” Takumi pats Gaku's head, awkwardly this time. “Can you walk with me, or...?”
Gaku shakes his head again.
And that's the story of how Takumi royally fucked up and is rightfully paying the price by carrying Gaku in a piggyback ride towards the courtyard, careful not to trip on the stairs and have them both tumble towards their deaths.
Well, at least he won't let himself get distracted by how Gaku fit so well in his arms and how his cute, tearful face made Takumi's heart rate accelerate in a not-so-insignificant way. He'll have time to properly think about it later in his room.