Chapter Text
Shaoyou lets out a breath as he steps into Jianghu Space Academy, his heart racing and hands shaking in excitement. He couldn't believe it was happening. He couldn't believe it was real- the fact that he was finally, finally, going to be living his dream.
He'd studied hard, spent many days and nights working on math problems, his head buried in physics textbooks as he tried to understand quantum mechanics. And finally, his hard work had paid off, and he'd ended up in the most prestigious space academy in the nation.
"Son, I'm so proud of you," His uncle says, patting him on the shoulder, his lips tilting into a proud smile. At that moment, he looked a lot like Shaoyou's dad. Shaoyou smiles back at his uncle.
When Shaoyou was younger, his mother always told him that when people died, they would go to the stars. That's why, the sky was dotted with so many of them- because they were the souls of the people who's time on earth was over.
Shaoyou looks up at the sky. It was morning, but he knew that his parents were probably looking down at him too. They had always been proud of his accomplishments, so Shaoyou knew that they would have been so excited to see him come so far.
But life was cruel- and they'd left him to join the stars in the sky when he was only twelve. Shaoyou had not left his bed for a week, curled up as he couldn't even cry. He missed his mom's warm hugs, and his father's funny jokes. Then, he sees the solar system model on his ceiling- the one his parents had made for him.
His dream to become an astronaut was born that day.
Shaoyou waves goodbye to his uncle, and adjusts the straps of his duffel bag on his shoulder. It was drizzling slightly, so he decides to go inside before he got caught in the rain.
"There you are. I was looking for you," A familiar voice greets him, and he feels a hand on his shoulder. Shaoyou turns his head and smiles at his best friend, and his only companion despite the many years and many hurdles in his life. "A-Yong."
Yong's smile softens, and he lets out a small giggle. "Shaoyou, we did it. Can you believe it? We did it. We're gonna be astronauts one day. We're going to see the stars together one day."
The rain stops then- and sun shines, reflecting on the glass structure that was the academy's main building.
Shaoyou laughs happily.
"Yeah."
Three months pass by in a blur.
While it was a lot of hard work, more studying, and significantly more exercising, Shaoyou loved it. The fact that he was working towards something bigger than himself gave him a sense of satisfaction like no other.
Another reason was because he wasn't alone.
Hua Yong was always by his side- whether they were studying late into the night, or waking up at 4 AM to go for a five kilometre run before exercise, Yong was always by his side, a solid presence that Shaoyou knew he could lean on if he ever grew tired.
"Man, when will we get used to exercising so much? I'm so tired," Yong complains breathlessly, wiping the sweat off his forehead. Shaoyou had dragged him to the gym to do some light exercise after their morning run, as they had some physical examinations later that evening.
Shaoyou chuckles and lies on the floor, bending his knees to prepare to do sit ups. Yong settles down opposite him, holding his legs while Shaoyou starts to do sit ups, slowly at first.
Yong turns his head to the side, pulling out chapstick from his pocket, putting it on while holding Shaoyou's leg with one arm. Shaoyou watches him and shakes his head. "You're always complaining your lips are dry, but when I tell you to drink more water, you never listen. Don't be upset if you fail the evaluation later."
The male pockets the chapstick and chuckles, looking at Shaoyou mischievously. "Who said my lips are dry now?"
Shaoyou raises an eyebrow. "Then what-"
He lets out a sound that resembled a squeak- as the next moment, Yong leans in, his lips puckered. Like he was about to kiss Shaoyou. "Yong!"
Yong laughs loudly, pointing his finger at Shaoyou as he falls back to the floor. His white tee was sticking to his chest, and his hair was a mess from the running.
But why was Shaoyou's heart beating so fast?
Why couldn't he look away?
"Your face! And what was that squeak?!" Yong teases him, tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
For the first time in his life since meeting Yong- at that moment, something shifts for Shaoyou. He stays in his position, frozen in place as he watched his friend laugh his heart out, blissfully unaware of what was happening to Shaoyou.
What was this strange feeling in his chest?
The feeling never fades away.
If anything, it amplified the more time Shaoyou spent with Yong. He caught himself staring more than usual- caught himself feeling funny whenever Yong even looked his way.
Shaoyou didn't quite understand it fully- so he just let's it be. Whatever it was, he was feeling it for Yong. His best friend. His confidant. And in a way, an important part of his life apart from the academy.
"Hey," Yong greets him outside the library, a forced smile on his lips. It was obvious that he was in a bad mood, but even so, he was trying to smile for Shaoyou like he always did.
But Shaoyou notices. Of course he does- wasn't that all he did recently?
He doesn't say anything to Yong, and simply drags him to the one place he'd found recently- where he could breathe without thinking about his responsibilities.
The academy was built on a cliff overlooking the sea. And the rooftop of the teacher's building was at the very corner- which meant it had the best view.
As he'd done it plenty of times, Shaoyou had already perfected the way to the rooftop without being caught. He takes Yong's cold hand in his, and holds it tight as they make their way up to the place. When they were there, Shaoyou let go- but it felt wrong to do so.
But looking at the expression on Yong's face at the view made him forget everything else. Yong's previous upset look was gone, replaced by awe as he looked upon the horizon, where the sea met the sky. It was nearly sunset, and the sky was beautiful that day, painted in steaks of orange, gold, pink and purple.
"Wow," Yong says, leaning on the railing, taking in the view. The wind wasn't too strong that day, and the way his hair moved due to the gentle breeze made Shaoyou's heart race even more.
Wow, he's so beautiful.
Yong turns to him at that moment- and Shaoyou was rendered speechless once more. Despite being caught staring, he couldn't look away.
Not when Yong looked more beautiful than that view itself.
Yong's gaze softens, and side hugs Shaoyou. "Thank you for bringing me here. It's nice and calm. Just like you."
Shaoyou felt heat creep up his neck at those words, spoken with a sort of affection that came from being friends for years. Yong looks up at Shaoyou, who, despite his own confusing emotions, smiles. "I don't know what happened today, but I know you. You're strong, and you'll become better and overcome it. You always do. And you'll come out stronger than ever."
Yong blinks, his gaze fixed on Shaoyou- intense, and full of something new- like a realisation had dawned upon him too. Shaoyou chalks it up to his words encouraging Yong, despite the look feeling like a reflection of his own emotions towards his friend.
When Yong nuzzles even closer, burying his face into Shaoyou's neck, Shaoyou puts his arm around his best friend, and pulls him closer.
Whatever it was- they'll figure it out.
They always did.
The next day, it rained heavily.
Shaoyou loved and hated it in equal parts- because the rain reminded him of the day his parents were taken away from him forever, but he also loved the quietness it bought to spaces. People stopped when it rained. He could treat himself to something warm, and he could curl up into his bed under his soft sheets.
But today, he found himself hating it, as he'd dreamt of something unpleasant the previous night. He tries to study or do something to kill the time, as classes were cancelled that day. By evening, his thoughts were becoming too loud to be ignored.
He puts on light clothing and a rain jacket before stepping out, thinking of getting something warm from the cafeteria.
To avoid being caught by the rain, he a different route, passing by the classrooms which were silent due to the lack of people around. Then, he hears laughter.
Not just any laughter- it was Hua Yong's voice.
Shaoyou follows the sound, and finds himself standing near the courtyard between the buildings.
No one was around, and Yong was dancing by himself in the rain.
Magically- every negative thought that Shaoyou had ever had, disappears. He leans on the pillar, and watches Yong as the man spins around, soaked wet, yet so carefree.
When his eyes met Shaoyou's, they soften. "Shaoyou!"
"You're gonna catch a cold!" Shaoyou shouts, laughing despite himself. Yong shakes his head, and rushes towards him. "No! Come here, let's dance together!"
Shaoyou isn't given time to argue- not that he would anyway. He follows Yong, the two of them laughing and doing silly dances in the rain. They probably looked crazy- and it was crazy to be dancing to no music in the rain in the middle of a courtyard, but Yong liked to be whimsical like that.
And this time- Shaoyou was beyond grateful for it.
When they accidentally get too close, Yong chuckles awkwardly, his cheeks dusted soft pink. Shaoyou finds himself smiling too, and he twirls Yong around. The moment lasts only a couple of seconds- yet it was enough to make Shaoyou feel a horde of butterflies in his stomach.
With the new memory of him dancing with Yong etched in his mind, Shaoyou decides that day- he would love the rain.
No one could fill the hole left by his parents, but dancing with Yong in the rain, Shaoyou felt a sense of fullness that almost covered his sense of loss.
A-Yong, thank you.
The beach trip happens a few weeks later.
Few weeks- where Shaoyou had started to pay more attention to his own growing feelings. He started to question, why couldn't he look away when Yong smiled at him? Why did he feel butterflies whenever Yong touched him?
He finds his answer in an unexpected way.
Their class had decided to go on this trip as they were going to be assigned their positions soon, and when training begun, they would essentially have no social life outside it for a long time.
Shaoyou sits on the sand, closing his eyes and taking in the gentle breeze of the sea, listening in on the shenanigans of his classmates. The atmosphere was light despite the underlying tension about their future, and people were laughing and chatting up a storm about anything and everything except things related to space.
When he opens his eyes, he sees Yong, who was being tackled to the ground by their other classmates. Yong's face was red, and he was laughing loudly, the sound magical to Shaoyou's ears.
But his heart- it dropped at the sight.
Seeing Yong laugh like that in someone else's arms- Shaoyou couldn't say he hated it- but rather, he wished it was himself.
He pauses, eyes widening at the thought.
What am I thinking?
He watches Yong with his classmates, and the feeling only intensifies.
The academy didn't allow for relationships between the students- as the course work and everything else they did demanded full attention. Shaoyou knew that few of his class mates didn't care, but he wasn't one of them.
He had come there on a scholarship that required him to be in the top three in his year. And if he was successful, he'd definitely get to be an astronaut, or he'd get to work with rockets or assist in space missions. He had time to decide.
Shaoyou also had time to build walls around his heart so that his dream wouldn't be snatched away.
But seeing Yong that way- Shaoyou couldn't help but wonder, what if he didn't have to build those walls?
Would he reach for Yong anyway? Would be still want to keep his best friend in his arms?
Was what he felt towards Yong friendship at all?
Or was it... something else?
Just like that, a year passes.
Shaoyou settles into a new routine- as he was placed on the path to join the mission support team. For the first few years, he would work there, and in the future, he would be sent on a planetary mission that was currently being planned.
It was the busiest he'd ever been in his whole life, studying so much his brain hurt, but hey, he was getting closer to fulfilling his dream. To going to where his parents were.
In that year, Shaoyou's feelings for Yong grew without precedent.
Shaoyou did nothing about it, except watch his best friend from afar- mentally refusing to name the feeling. Because he was afraid. He was so damn afraid of losing everything he'd worked hard for.
He was also afraid of losing Yong.
So, for a while year, he settles into another routine that only he knew of- yearning for his best friend.
The amount of time they spent together was becoming lesser and lesser, and so was the amount of times they saw each other. Yong had taken the engineering side, so he was busy with his own stuff, just like Shaoyou was.
And even if Shaoyou missed him, he doesn't say anything, but instead, cherishes every second they spent together.
Whenever he saw Yong pass by in the corridors, he lets himself see his friend first, who always stood out amidst the sea of people. And when Yong acknowledged him, he smiled back. But inside, his heart rate thundered at the simple act of being acknowledged. And if Yong touched him- Shaoyou lost sleep for days.
It was getting to a point where it was unbearable, but Shaoyou doesn't do anything about it.
Because his dream was bigger than himself, and he'd gotten so far to simply throw it all away.
Even if Yong looked at him with that one look- which made Shaoyou think that maybe, maybe, he wasn't all alone in this. That he wasn't the only one losing his mind over this unnamed feeling for his friend.
Because his parents were waiting for him in the stars, and Shaoyou couldn't afford the one chance he had to see them again.
The cigarette hung from Shaoyou's fingers as he admired the view of the sky from the rooftop. Even though he'd spent a good chunk of his adulthood studying the stars, he rarely just stopped and looked at the them. He didn't let himself dwell in the fact that the sky was so vast- and he was but a speck in the grand scheme of things.
He turns to the side, and Yong was there with him, his dark eyes gazing up at the sky. Recently, there was always so much in those eyes- and Shaoyou wondered what Yong was thinking about. What happened to the whimsical Yong who danced in the rain with him? Had the year really aged them that much?
Recently, Yong looked like the very personification of melancholy, but when he looked at Shaoyou, his face brightened- and his eyes... they sparkled.
Shaoyou has to remind himself to look away.
"What?" Yong asks him, the corners of his lips tilting up slightly as their eyes met. He gets the cigarette from Shaoyou's hand, takes a puff and immediately coughs. Shaoyou takes it back and immediately crushes the cigarette with his fingers. They'd barely taken puffs from it- but he couldn't risk it.
He'd come so far, and he couldn't afford to let himself dwell in useless things as such.
But he was also slightly tipsy, and he wasn't sure if Yong was. They'd had a party in the academy, celebrating their time as students coming to an end. Shaoyou and Yong would officially start working as trainees soon.
"I'm stressed," Shaoyou admits. His words float in the space between them, and Yong pushes himself a little closer, nodding slowly. His expression was unusually grim, and Shaoyou wanted to simply pull him closer and tell him everything would be okay like he used to.
Somewhere in the past year, they'd stopped hugging as often, and he missed it.
"So am I," Yong says, turning his attention back to the sky.
Silence settles between them- and while Shaoyou usually enjoyed it, something about this one felt wrong. Something about Yong that night- it felt wrong.
"Why did you want to become an astronaut, Shaoyou?" Yong questions suddenly, an unmistakable shake in his tone. Shaoyou, despite wanting to press, decides against it. He wasn't even sure if they were that close anymore.
"My mom always said that when people die, they go to live in the stars," Shaoyou starts, chuckling dryly. "I want to see them again."
Of course, Shaoyou knew that it was a silly reason. He half expects Yong to laugh, but instead, the man nods seriously. "I'm sure they want to see you too."
"What about you?" Shaoyou asks Yong.
The two of them had never really talked about why they wanted to become astronauts. Their love for space had been mutual from the beginning, and somehow, things had just aligned. But Shaoyou had never really known why Yong loved the stars just like he did.
"I've wanted to be close to a star ever since I was young," Yong says, a nostalgic smile forming on his lips. Then, he lets out a breath, turning his head to look at Shaoyou.
They were close- too close. Yong's cheeks were flushed from the cold wind, and his lips were bright pink. His hair was messed up from the breeze- and Shaoyou genuinely forgets how to breathe for a few seconds.
This was dangerous, and they should be heading back to rest, because if they were caught on the rooftop, smoking of all things, there would be severe repercussions.
But Yong smiles at him, his eyes softening with that look in his eyes- and it hits Shaoyou like a ton of bricks. The very thing he was trying not to make refused to stay that way.
"But I don't think I need to go find a star anymore," Yong says, inching closer. "The brightest one has been in front of me all along."
Like a supernova, something explodes between them.
The years of friendship flashes before Shaoyou's eyes, and he remembers that one day at the gym when he first felt his heart race for Yong.
Shaoyou was in love with Yong.
The realisation shouldn't have been as shocking as it was.
But Shaoyou had spent so long building walls around his heart, telling himself lies over and over again. With everything crumbling, he could only stare back at Yong dumbly, his eyes widening in shock as his friend's words start to register in his mind.
But then, Yong does something unexpected.
He leans in and presses his lips onto Shaoyou's.
And Shaoyou kisses him back.
It was everything. Yong's lips were softer than Shaoyou had dreamt about, and the way they fit together- it was perfect. When Yong smiled into the kiss, Shaoyou found himself falling even deeper.
Shaoyou remembers then.
The academy.
His career.
His parents.
So, he roughly shoves Yong, causing the male to stumble back till his back hit the railing. A soft clank echoes through the silence.
When Yong looks at him, Shaoyou sees hurt, fear, confusion, and so much more- reflections of what he was feeling at the moment too.
This was his best friend he was in love with.
But Shaoyou had a bright future ahead, and the path was already laid out for him. At this point, how could he let his emotions cloud what was truly important in life?
"Shaoyou-"
"Are you trying to ruin our careers, Hua Yong?" Shaoyou asks, his tone sharp, trying to mask the fear and confusion gnawing at his insides. He'd kissed Yong back and he was regretting it.
Yong shakes his head, his eyes wide with panic. "Shaoyou, no. I-"
"Just-" Shaoyou puts a hand up and steps back, creating space between them. He wipes his mouth with his hand. "Stop talking. That was a mistake. Let's pretend it never happened."
The smile falls off Yong's face, and when he spoke again, his voice was shaky, his breath uneven. "I can't do that."
Shaoyou knew that he couldn't do that too. If the circumstances were different, he would have kissed Yong longer. He erases that thought from his brain immediately.
There is no way.
"Doesn't matter," Shaoyou says, the words sounding cruel to his own ears. The way the light in Yong's eyes dimmed- it crushed Shaoyou's heart, but he had to do this.
This was for Yong's good too.
Without a word, Shaoyou turns around and walks away.
What Shaoyou doesn't realise- he had made a mistake. By running away from the truth, he'd planted a lie in Yong's mind- a thought that couldn't be further from the truth.
I've messed up. Shaoyou doesn't like me.
Shaoyou rushes to his room, his mind sobering during the time it takes to get there.
Fuck. Yong likes me. He likes me back.
He closes the door and rests his back on it, his mind racing a mile a minute as the thought repeated over and over again.
His vision blurs with tears as the many months of pent up emotions finally break out through the cracks in the walls he'd built around his heart.
Shaoyou cries for a love that was returned to him.
The expression of hurt on Yong's face was still vivid in his mind, and when he recalls it, a fresh set of tears escapes his eyes.
Hua Yong, please forgive me.
The next day, Shaoyou returns to his old routine.
Even though he'd broken down in his room just the night prior, he puts himself together that morning. He'd come so far, and he couldn't-
An exhausted sigh escapes his lips.
The dream he'd worked so hard for felt like a burden. When he looks at himself in the mirror, he sees a man who had grown into his features, sharpened by experience and knowledge.
He also sees someone who had lost the spark of youth. He sees someone who had come so far, to a place where many could only dream of, but had left everything behind in the process.
Shaoyou was no longer a child chasing the dream of being an astronaut some day. He was an adult who was only a few steps from there.
He pushes himself up again, and pats his shoulder.
Like an adult, he walks himself out of his room, clutching his suitcase full of his work documents.
When he sees Yong across the corridor as he passes by the very classroom they studied together, Shaoyou looks away.
Even when all he wanted was to run into Yong's arms and pull him into a kiss, and beg for his forgiveness because what happened the previous day was no mistake- Shaoyou steps the other way.
Shaoyou ignores the way his traitorous heart beat fast at the feeling of being watched by Yong, and increases the pace of his steps to get away faster.
He'd chosen what was most important to him, and he wanted to make it clear to Yong.
But why did it feel like he was making a mistake?
Few months pass.
A few months without Yong.
After that day, Yong had disappeared from Shaoyou's life. It was like he'd never existed in the first place.
Shaoyou was almost grateful in a way. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
But somewhere deep inside, he knew he was lying to himself again. He missed Yong more than anything. Missed his smile. Missed his touch. Missed his voice.
He missed Hua Yong.
"There's gonna be a launch today," Shaoyou's mentor says, looking behind him as Shaoyou followed him through the corridor that led to the Mission Control Room. Shaoyou frowns.
"A launch? I didn't see that in the schedule board," Shaoyou says. The mentor sighs. "It was a secret mission. Only a handful were picked for it, and even they were told to keep it a secret. It is... quite dangerous as well. They're going to attempt to visit this planet called Enigma. To do some research."
Shaoyou had studied about Enigma, and he knew that scientists suspected that the planet held water or some form of life. The weather was said to be horrible, as the atmosphere was said to have ten times the amount of pressure than earth. It was truly a dangerous feat.
"Why is it a secret?" Shaoyou questions. His mentor is silent for a while. "It's essentially a death sentence. The people who are going on the mission were volunteers. It's just to.. stop public outcry mostly."
Shaoyou nods and follows his mentor inside the huge room. There were not a lot of people there, and everyone had grim expressions on their faces.
"Someone from your batch is going as well," His mentor says, giving him a headphone. "You'll be handling him personally. Say hi to Hua Yong."
Shaoyou's world stops.
Hua Yong?
Yong was going on a dangerous mission?
"Hi?" Yong's voice breaks his spiral. Shaoyou tries to talk, to say something. Anything. But words don't come out.
His mentor gives him a look, and Shaoyou gulps. His voices shakes as he answers. "Y- Y- Yong?"
Yong goes silent on the other side. Shaoyou repeats himself. "Hua Yong. It's.. it's m- me. S- Shaoyou."
"Shaoyou," Yong sounded like he was in pain. Shaoyou couldn't breathe. Yong was going to go on a dangerous mission that would take decades to finish.
That is, if he made it to the planet in one piece.
"How- how long have you known?" He asks, his hands shaking as he adjusts the headset. He ignores the weird stares he gets from his mentor and others nearby.
Yong takes too long to reply. But when he does, his voice was heavy with regret. "That night."
That night.
"But I don't think I need to go find a star anymore," Yong says, inching closer. "The brightest one has been in front of me all along."
"Stop talking. That was a mistake. Let's pretend it never happened."
The night which Shaoyou still had dreams about. That night, which Shaoyou had spent thinking about almost every day. That night- when Yong had called Shaoyou his star. And he'd replied back cruelly, calling it a mistake.
No wonder Yong had looked sad that night. No wonder he'd suddenly kissed Shaoyou. He'd known all along he was going to leave.
Tears blur Shaoyou's vision, and he chokes as he speaks again. "Why didn't you tell me?!"
He wanted to ask Yong so many questions. But did he even have the right anymore? If he'd done something that night, could he have prevented this from happening?
Yong chuckles sadly. "I'm sorry, Shaoyou. For everything."
"Yong-" Shaoyou starts, but gets cut off by his mentor, who shoots him a look of concern. "Shaoyou, they're gonna prepare for takeoff. Concentrate."
Shaoyou had never felt so helpless in his life.
"I'll go say hi to your mom and dad first. Hopefully, you'll get to do that one day too. Till then, goodbye, my star," Yong says right before the line could turn from a unicast to broadcast.
"Yong. No. No-" Shaoyou tries speaking again, but the line was cut off. Yong couldn't hear him anymore.
Shaoyou falls back onto his seat, tears falling from his eyes as his senior colleagues start the count down.
He could only watch helplessly as the rocket took off.
Taking Yong, the most important thing in Shaoyou's life, away from him.
But he was too late. Yong was gone already.
Three months later
It had been a month since they'd lost contact with the Enigma mission.
One month since Shaoyou had heard Yong's voice. A month, which he'd been forced to spend without knowing if Yong was alive or not. Thirty days, which he'd spent regretting.
The last he'd seen of Yong, he'd pushed him away. Told him that the kiss was a mistake, when in fact, it was anything but a mistake. It was everything.
"Shaoyou! We've got a ping!" His mentor says, and Shaoyou rushes from the break room to the control room. The team had gathered there, and Shaoyou watches as the engineer tunes the signal and attempts to contact the Enigma team again.
"𝚁𝚘𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚝- 𝚏𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚞𝚛𝚎- 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍- 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚙- 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍- 𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚖𝚊-"
It was Yong's voice.
Shaoyou almost cries in relief. Yong wasn't dead. He was very much alive.
But most importantly, he was stranded in Enigma. Alone, probably. Light years away, with no one beside him. Shaoyou's heart breaks at the thought.
He looks at his team lead, who frowns. "We have to save him."
Shaoyou doesn't hesitate. All these years, he'd wanted to see his parents in the stars. But the past month, the need to see Yong had overridden that. If he was Yong's star, Yong was his whole universe. He puts up his hand.
"I'll go."