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Dan howell doesn’t believe in anything, then he looks at the sleeping body of his partner of 16 years and admits sheepishly maybe that he believes in Philip lester.
Dan doesn’t know how he got here, sometimes he sees videos of himself and can’t believe the happiness reflected in every part of his soul. A happiness and freedom that less than 7 years ago seemed impossible to reach, who was he kidding, it seemed impossible even two years ago. The truth is phil was willing to let them stay at the closet till the day they die, if that was what Dan needed. And it almost happened this way, even though phil doesn’t like to talk about, seeing the love his life laying in a pool of his blood has changed thin for Dan. It made him more mindful about time and how limited it can be and even if he is always waiting for that meteor hit, he wants to be happy with the man he loves till this day comes. Not alone, never alone, was always Phil’s promise to him when things got tough and it was a promise he didn’t break in 16 years. Not when facing Dan’s depression, not in the times he walked away not knowing if he wanted to return to their home and not when he went to tour the world alone just to prove that he can, just to learn that ability has nothing to do with desire, he can but at what cost.
Dan knows his teenage self will probably scoff at his thoughts, how he was so domesticated. He thinks as he touches phil’s bare arms slightly, but isn’t all of this the work of his teenage self, maybe he should be kinder to his past self. After all he got him to phil and they both could take it together from there.
He remembers their last podcast and how he is still pissed about phil’s ex messaging him. Dan always sort of admitted to his jealous personality but it seems to take a life of It's own when it comes to phil and even though phil seems to like it, sometimes old insecurities still plagues Dan that maybe he is being to much, it’s not rational and he knows phil adores him but sadly this is not how panic works and he can already feel his breath getting shallower.
He feels a hand gripping his arms tightly “what’s going on? “ , “what?? “, “Dan what’s going on? Why are you having a panic attack at freaking 2 in the morning? “ he already feels phil’s hand soothing him even if he doesn’t understand what the hell is going on and he starts breathing easier already “ do you think I over do it? The jealousy, I mean “ phil just raises an eyebrow, “some people thinks it is unhinged or controlling and I “, phil doesn’t let him finish the sentence and flips sitting on his just looking down at him “Daniel howell, love of my freaking life “and he leans down to kiss him softly “do I think the behavior I taunt you till you exhibit is controlling and unhinged? Maybe, do I want any other way? Hell no, I like when you stake your claim, be as an unhinged as you wish babe”,I flip us over and lean down to kiss him “I love you so much Philip lester “ and lean down for another kiss.
Later with him sleeping peacefully in my arms, I can admit I feel a bit for Phil’s ex, I wouldn’t have the love of my life if it wasn’t for his idiocy, so I can be a little charitable and not actually fight anyone, but I will keep an eye on it regardless, I know phil won’t except any less.