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Shouto will never tell Midoriya Izuku he loves him. He is too dear friend to lose. And Midoriya deserves someone less messed up than Shouto. So Shouto will do nothing, and Midoriya will never find out. That's what he hopes anyway.
Doing nothing should be easy but it is not. It is as if his senses are on a hyperdrive when it comes to Midoriya. He is almost painfully aware of Midoriya’s location at any given moment. Someone could scream into his ear and he’d still be more aware of the green haired boy’s presence. Thankfully Midoriya sits on the row behind his, so it is easier not to stare. Despite that, he occasionally finds himself turning his head just slightly, it could almost be accidental, to glance to his friend’s direction. More often than not it seems Midoriya catches him staring. He turns his head away in a flash, with futile hope that it doesn’t look as awkward as it feels. He slaps himself mentally. Midoriya doesn’t need to know, he growls to himself. Midoriya doesn’t need to know.
Once when he meets Midoriya’s eyes he smiles a little and waves at him a little. He turns away before he can see any response. Shouto presses his nails against his arm until it hurts. The red marks fade fast, his shame doesn’t. Foolish boy, his father’s voice tells him, are you incapable of the most uncomplicated demonstrations of self-restraint? The voice has a point.
Midoriya Izuku has no reason to know Todoroki Shouto is in love with him. Shouto presses his nails down again.
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Shouto isn’t quite certain when it begun. The first thing he remembers thinking about Midoriya is from the heroes vs. villains lesson. He has a well thought strategy. Nothing more nothing less. He is certain that the staring didn’t begin until some time after the sports festival. But it was impossible to say when their friendship turned into love on his part. Shouto didn’t realize until later when he befriended other people of their class, that Midoriya was something else. He is scared. He has always known what to do, who he is and where he is going. Which each passing day he gets to know Midoriya better, but himself worse.
At the end of first year Midoriya approaches him, looking uncertain. This is unusual of him, Shouto thinks, with his endless determination.
“Um, Todoroki-kun… I was wondering…”
“Yes?”
“If you’d be okay with me calling you by your first name?” The smaller hero finishes quickly, looking like there was something more, but adding nothing further.
“Sure.” Shouto answers, surprised, happy - happier than he should be feeling because he is weak. Don’t show emotion, he yells at himself internally, but unable to stop a traitorous smile from crawling onto his lips. “See you next year then, Izuku?”
Izuku looks at him with a strange expression, then takes a deep breath and smiles, and god Shouto loved that smile, and says. “Until next year Shouto-kun.”
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Summer is horrible. Summers are always horrible. With no school there is nothing to stop his father from pestering him around the clock. After the first week he is already full of scratches and burns, but he can handle those. Words are much worse. Expectations are worse. When you surpass me and All Might both-, When we finally get your fire under control after that foolish ice-only-phase you had-, When you’ll make me proud-... The thought that he might make his father proud is revolting. Shouto is sickened to think that man who has brought such misery into his life, would be proud of what he becomes. Yet still he follows the steps that are set for him. He got his quirk like his father wanted. He has gone to the schools he wanted, he chose the career as he wanted. He will get his fire under control like his father wants, he will exceed All Might. How could it be a coincidence that he and his father share so many goals for his life. He’s afraid that one day he will look at his life and see his father’s plan of a perfect child come true step by step. But he doubts his father will ever be proud of him. He has never been, with any step forward Shouto has taken, so how could he be with any more. Shouto can never be good enough for Endeavor. He feels spark of happiness because of that. Then it comes. When you find a wife with a good quirk-... Shouto snaps, his temper boiling in a fraction of a second.
“And what if I don’t want ‘a wife with a good quirk’?” Shouto spits out, seeing red. Then he realizes what he has done and, curses himself. Maybe he didn’t…
“I think you’ve forgotten how to show respect to your elders.” Endeavour declares, his fire burning bit brighter than usual.
Scratches are the least of his worries after that. At least his father hadn’t realized what his words could also have implied. Shouto can’t imagine his father’s reaction if he told him he wasn’t interested in women. He wouldn’t dare to tell even his mother. Then again, Shouto thinks faintly as falling to a painless slumber, it isn’t like interest has anything to do with marriage.
Izuku shouldn’t get involved with a family like this. Izuku can’t know that Shouto loves him. What he doesn't know cannot hurt him.
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Summer has some good sides too. He can talk to his mother more. He sits in her room for hour talking about mundane things, whenever he can steal time away from practise. His mother teaches him to make lemon cake, and he briefly wonders if that is what normal families do. He dismisses the idea quickly.
Other good thing is that he hasn’t seen Midoriya for a long time. He can convince himself that his crush is nothing but a friend, good friend that’s all. He let’s himself forget the constant awareness of his selfless friend (where he is, what he is doing), forgets the nervous shutdown that happens every time he looks at him, forgets how his heart speeds up from being at close quarters with the green haired boy. Then the summer break ends and as he walks into class and hears Izuku’s voice, his deception is shattered.
Only two more years, he tells himself. I can manage for two more years.
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And somehow… he does. U.A. is ending, everyone in their class is becoming an official hero, and moving on with their life. Shouto feels like shit. It is not that he isn’t happy that he is done with school, but he will miss the people. They take a class picture one last time, and his friends are all around him. There are only few he actually considers as friends, but a few is madness to the former zero. He will meet them he’s sure, but how often. Shouto steals a glance at Izuku. Twice a year? It isn’t enough.
His father said that he hardly remembers his classmates’ names. Shouto writes everyone’s name next to their picture, to make sure he will.
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Shouto needs to get away from the Todoroki mansion, but he doesn’t have anywhere to go. But he cannot handle his father any longer. then Izuku calls him.
“Um hi Shouto-kun! How are you?” Says the painfully familiar voice at the other end of the line.
“Izuku.” Shouto replies, without really saying anything.
“Uh, I don’t really know how to ask this, but I’ve been wondering…” Izuku seems to take a deep breath before continuing. “Would you like to team up with me? As in maybe move in with me and become a duo and….” Izuku seems nervous about his silence and blabbers on, “Not that you don’t have to if you don’t want to it’s just that I… Um.. I’ve tried to tell you for a long time that I-”
“Yes!” Todoroki gasps once he’s collected his thoughts. “Definitely!”
“..really-... Really? That’s great? Would you like to come over tomorrow and look at the apartments?”
Shouto doesn’t even really care that he’ll have to pretend for the rest of his life living with Izuku. Living with his father is harder.
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Except it isn’t, Shouto thinks, breathing in Izuku’s scent. He smells like pine needles and cinnamon, the ice and fire user notes distantly, taking in the diminutive body that’s pressing to his. They had fallen asleep watching Netflix, Shouto thinks, noting the tv screen that’s still playing something that has to do with cakes. He stiffens as Izuku mumbles something and wraps his hands around Shouto’s waist. The red-white haired boy can feel the smaller hero’s warm breath through his shirt. Shouto is wavering between waking him up before he’ll need a cold shower and watching him sleep peacefully, even though it pains his heart, and he is quite sure that his left side is smoking faintly. But as he is pondering the choice Izuku shifts again opening his eyes and muttering something like ‘g’d m’rnin’, before sitting up, still almost on Shouto’s lap.
“You should have woken me up.” Izuku says.
“I didn’t want to wake you up”
“But you couldn’t move!”
“I didn’t mind.” Shouto says, smiling a little.
Izuku’s expression softens. He sighs quietly, and puts his hand in Shouto’s hair. Don’t set yourself on fire Shouto, Shouto thinks to himself as the smoke becomes apparent. Don’t do it. Izuku looks into his mismatched eyes.
“You know Shouto,” he whispers, putting his other hand on Shouto’s slightly too hot shoulder, “I’ve been trying to tell you-!” Whatever he was going to say, he doesn’t, instead yelling in surprise. Fire alarm system activates, fire sprinkler shooting water over them. Shouto curses himself as he jumps to save the tv, while Izuku sits on the couch looking dazzled. When the water finally stops, they are both soaked wet. Izuku starts laughing. And Shouto looks at him, smiling longingly. I want to kiss him, Shouto thinks. I want to tell him I love him. But of course he won’t. He can’t. Ever. It still doesn’t stop him from curling against Izuku’s side on the wet sofa. To warm him up, he justifies himself, as he returns Izuku’s smile. Nothing more.
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It all ends so fast. It is an upscale villain attack, with dozens of villains running around against only a handful of heroes. Shouto remembers it all vividly. He was late, having evacuated a handful of civilians from a collapsing apartment building, searching desperately for Izuku. The ground is shaking and there’s rubble, and smoke and wailing sirens everywhere, but he can’t find Izuku. He spots some of his former classmates arriving to the scene, Uravity - heading for evacuation no doubt, Red Riot someone that could be Bakugou, but he isn’t sure, he doesn’t have the time to stop, he has to find Izuku.
Shouto hears a loud smash and sees a house collapse to the ground. Then he starts running towards the accident area. There is a lot of dust in the air, and he squints to see any more than few meters ahead. He can hear a familiar mumbling though, He really needs to work on that, Shouto thinks, despite being immensely relieved to find Izuku all right.
“Izuku?” He asks and sees the other hero’s fuzzy silhouette turn towards him.
“Shou-!” Izuku starts responding, but then it happens. Shouto runs closer just fast enough to see a bloody hook push its way through Izuku’s chest. The villain looks triumphant. Shouto freezes him to the ground in a second.
“Izuku!” Shouto screams, kneeling beside the diminutive form of the only person he loves, has ever loved like this.
“Shou-to…” Izuku whispers. “I think he got my heart.”
“No no no no no no no. The ambulance… we will get you a doctor, don’t die on me Izuku.” Shouto knows he sounds half angry, half hysterical, but the tears drip from his eyes and betray his feeling.
“I always tried to tell you that-”, Izuku coughs blood, before continuing to whisper in such a low voice Todoroki hardly hears him in all the racket. “I’ve always tried to tell you that I love you,”, and now they are both crying, “but I was scared and something always came up and… And…”
“Please don’t hate me Shouto…” He whispers.
“I could never hate you.” Shouto says, breaking like never before. “Never… I… I…” Tell him. He tells himself for the first time. Tell him.
But he CAN’T.
“...It is okay…” Izuku whispers. “I g’t ‘t.” Then his eyes slid half closed, unfocused, and his voice slips away. Voice Shouto will never hear again. Voice Shouto has been able to recognize for years. He closes Izukus’ eyes. And cries. Thousand thoughts go through his head. I am a coward. If only I hadn’t helped those civilians and would have been here earlier. If only I hadn’t called his name and he would have defended himself against that puny villain. If only he had been able to tell him earlier. If only he had been able to tell at all.
He doesn’t even realize he is hugging Izuku’s body until he feels the blood drip over his hands. He has a sudden impulse to kiss Izuku’s body, and immediately hates himself for the idea. He has and never will kiss Midoriya Izuku. In the end Shouto will always hate himself. Shouto lays Izuku’s body down and turns his eyes to the frozen villain.
There won’t be anything left of him but ash.