Chapter Text
The days stretched endlessly. It felt like they were never coming to an end. The day began with regularity, brushing teeth, all the norms yet all I felt was a dull sense. I felt numb within, nothing truly mattered as this routine was just repeating on, and on..
Until Chih en appeared.
He was like a ray of sunshine in my storm. He helped stabilise what I didn’t know needed to be stabilised. Within me, he helped. His laugh.. It rarely occurred, but once while we were doing a recording, I made some joke about bright tone and he laughed so bad. I don’t get why he covers up such a beautiful smile.
Then, Chih en disappeared.
It has been more days that Chih en has been inactive than active.. The floor collapsing slowly below me. As if it was running away from something stronger, the rain poured heavier. The weight of everything falling into every last drop. The slow race whispered in hush thoughts, yet all I could think about was him.
How was he? Was he okay now? We already had a comeback of ‘Pinocchio hates lies’, yet I have heard nothing from him..
When Chih en reappears
When he comes back I can’t help but think how it will all work out. However, I do know, we want him back. Since we are Ahof, together.
“Chih en-ah if you’re reading this come back whenever but note that you will forever be one of our member and apart of AHOF. No matter how harsh the climate is, from nine to one, A- ha. Right?
It’s been so long since we have talked but maybe it’s because we are on different paths currently. We all miss you a lot, we mention it sometimes on camera hoping you get our intentions, yet my heart sinks thinking whether you have seen it or not.
Love you loads, Chih en. Please come back quickly, we all need you to return home. Together, we are a home.” I wrote swiftly, almost like my mind was possessed with another thought. Finally taking control.
Til Chih en appears (again)
The fading light I chase may be going away. However, the new light is forming. I have hope in Ahof and that we will make it til the very end. Our members are improving a lot recently. Despite schedules getting tighter, we have formed a bond too strong to separate. Maybe that is good because everyone needs someone to rely on, even on the easy days.
Because that is what life is right? As I am writing this, I can hear the members screaming in the other room. The laughter and joy echo through my mind as Déjà vu of years prior.
“Maybe everyone is better off without me?” “Everyone is staring at YOU, YOU did everything wrong”, the thoughts came slapping. The fright I had back then, the urge to cry was frequent. However, no one realised the storm I was battling. They only realised that I stopped showing up for them.
THROWBACK
This remind me of during Universe league, when we lost ‘Mamma Mia’. The world collapsed, I felt like a disappointment. The urge to cry came back and I couldn’t stop the tears. All the weight, being Main Vocal, the representative of beat came crashing down, I let my team down. No one is to blame but ME. All the teams reassured me, yet I felt sorry for them, they most likely felt obliged to feel bad or else they’d look ‘bad on camera’. Even, my old teammate comforted me after all this time.
Me and Kyungho..
We used to be close. He was an older brother for me, “hyung” used to come so naturally, he was one that I cherished a lot. Til, we went on another survival show, and if that isn’t emotionally draining as it is, our songs were doing bad in the sense of no wins despite working really hard. Obviously, I’m not stupid so when I saw that I realised, maybe it’s me?
The feeling of failure increased heavily. I constantly felt a sense of shame. Every single time I went on stage, I wanted to cry. Pressure of success and doing well built on already sliding burdens. As the maknae, I cheered and smiled brightly til one day it didn’t quite meet my eyes. The bling of the shine faded out til it was filled with tears swallowing me whole.
Jerome, now Seongmin, pulled me aside one day. “Oonggi”, the sudden tone difference between our normal bickering surprised me, before I could think further he repeated, “Woonggi, follow me”. Ariving outside of our practice rooms, “I’m worried for you, you look absolutely tired and I want you to know, it’s okay to stop, just I miss your smile”, and that cracking everything bottled inside of me.
Tears flooded from my face and I couldn’t hide them away, he didn’t either. He comforted me as I cried. Somehow, he joined in the tears aswell. That was something else.. that day made me realise sometimes talking it out is so much better. I realised my members were experiencing similar issues, which I guess is what left me to leaving to1.
Then, I experienced some healing time, and gained what Seongmin calls, my bling. When it was time, me and Seongmin joined Boys2planet. We were demoted to trainees when we joined it but it was alright. I got a bad start ranking but after what I’ve faces I know I will be better. Seowon, a really nice friend I met through the show. He helped me out no matter the situation, he also joined the survival show from a group called nine.i!
However, he didn’t leave like me, instead they’re a fresh group likely to have joined the show to promote but I don’t really care, I was here to make friends. Obviously debut, however midway I realised it wouldn’t be possible because of how unfair the votes were.. I got eliminated later but at least I got to sing one original song and went viral multiple times!! Many people have told me that I’ve reached the end of my time, but I think they are wrong, it’s just began. I will prove that to everyone til I die. I want to make Rocketdans know how much I cherish them. I took a path of freelancing, even did some mc gigs. I even was the mc for one of Onepacts (seongmins group) fan-cons!
The happiest day of my life because we were able to share a stage again. We may have been on different paths but, I was glad to see him so happy. I ended it off with some PMZ studio content with Hyeongjun, and my own show! Oh, can’t forget I also did some acting in Love for love’s sake! Studied some survival shows, like Newkids on the starship and joined one. After what felt like eternity, I joined universe league. The preparations were tough but unlike any other survival show I was on. Everyone knew me already. In fact, most people I met already called me by my name. Team Beat recruited and I got really close with our team but a pattern started occurring. One im familiar with way too well. No matter the effort we put in we lost, even when we finally won, online votes started to matter. It was like we were 100% destined to lose.
I started thinking, “is this truly my end” “do I not deserve to debut?”. All hope wasn’t lost though. They announced in the finale it would be 9 members debuting, I hoped I would be all of my beats but knowing how this would work, it would only be me.. Time flew by and I was stood on that stage again. Not performing, but standing having a gamble on my future. “CHA WOONGKI!!” the tears flooded again. Happiness yes, but also I will miss beat. I won’t ever get to share a stage with them again, at-least not til this group disbands, but even so by then won’t they have moved on? I hugged Kairi so much before i went onto the seperate platform, not only him but the rest of my team that supported me during my ups and downs. When I burnt myself, when I was out of it, they were my pillars.
Then, Chih en. His lovely smile, with tissues trying to stop my tears, it finally is the end. Cast mates from love for loves sake were there an I greeted them happily. The supported me too, could never forget the moments of happiness I got with them. Now I am in Ahof, with my beloved members, especially Chih en. Him and Seo Jeongwoo have been there for me since the VERY beginning. I cherish them so much and I hope nothing gets in our way. We have so many ups and downs to face, whether we will be popular or not but let’s just face our problems one step at a time. We slowly began uploading, a comment I see no matter the website is “Is that Cha Woongki?”, I feel a sense of accomplishment. My name is known, if I search it up in the first search! How did I get so lucky with rocketdans and our fans.
NOW
We’re promoting The Passage, the familiar space of emptiness returns, but it’s not as hollow as it once was before. Sense of warmth washes over me, comfort even from the other members. I have pillars of support and I can see i am loved. Right?
Now I am in Ahof, with my beloved members but the promotions.
The promotions …