Work Text:
Something was wrong with Eli, something had been wrong with Eli their entire shore leave. It had officially been around a year since their relationship developed into something deeper, and what was supposed to be a peaceful weekend away for them to celebrate the imaginary milestone had turned into an anxiety-inducing event for Thrawn as he watched Eli fake smiles the entire evening. Of course, he did not seem completely upset and had at least seemed very happy and content having dinner with Thrawn in their shared hotel room…the room that Thrawn practically had to sneak Eli into. And perhaps that was what Eli was so upset about.
They had to be extensively careful about how much of their relationship they let on around others, especially since they had to have an in depth discussion a short while ago about Eli’s safety in the Empire and with Thrawn. That conversation had been one of the hardest they had had so far, with Thrawn being closer than he ever had to sending Eli away to the Ascendancy. For now, however, he was too selfish. He needed Eli, he could admit it to himself now. He needed him more than he needed anyone. He felt he would not be sane without him, that he would have made countless mistakes if he had sent him away just a little over a year earlier after the insurgency of Batonn.
Now, as they sat at the small table in their hotel room, Eli stared down at his food with a frown on his face, lost in thought about something Thrawn dreaded bringing up with him again.
“What is the matter?” Thrawn finally asked, staring at him closely and watching his body stance carefully.
“Nothing,” Eli said, looking up from his food and offering him a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Thrawn stared at him, Eli’s smile slowly fading. “Eli…”
Eli took a deep breath. “You might not like what I have to say,” he murmured, as if Thrawn would not implore him further to speak after that admission.
“Please,” Thrawn said quietly in return.
Eli looked away, his hands tightening on the fork in his hand. “Do you ever wonder…” he hesitated, looking at Thrawn and searching his eyes as if looking for something. Eventually, he found whatever it was he was looking for, taking yet another deep breath before continuing. “Do you ever wonder if the Empire is the right way?” He suddenly asked, looking away as he elaborated. “Do you ever wonder if…the empire maybe isn’t the best way to protect the people of the galaxy as a whole?” He looked back down at his plate, moving his fork against it quietly. “All they have ever done is treat you poorly, Thrawn. And I know, don’t think I don’t know that you wish to one day change that. I just…I got worked up thinkin’ about it,” he said quietly.
“I wonder often,” he admitted quietly.
“Really?” Eli asked, looking at him again and Thrawn could see an odd sense of sudden hope in his eyes he had not seen before, alarm bells ringing in Thrawn’s mind for reasons he could not understand.
“Yes,” Thrawn confirmed. “Despite this, I have come to the conclusion that the empire has something the rebellion does not. That being order. The galaxy needs order, it needs...” he paused to think of the right word. “It needs something powerful enough to protect it from outside forces. Weakness attracts things far worse than what the empire may inflict upon others.
Eli nodded, but it seemed that answer was not good enough for him as he continued his side of what was quickly becoming a debate centered discussion. It was clear that Eli was taking a side, and that side was not the one Thrawn could join. “What if there could be something powerful and good? I think what we are both agreeing with is that the empire is not good, that the empire is corrupted. Do you agree with that, or do you think…” he didn’t finish that, but Thrawn knew what went unspoken.
“I agree, the empire is corrupt,” he conceded, Eli visibly relaxing.
“You ain’t gonna turn me in for treason for sayin’ it?” Eli asked, half joking, even if, once again, his smile did not reach his eyes.
Thrawn stared at him, his expression blank even if he felt uneasiness over the mere idea that Eli thought Thrawn capable of turning him in. “Never,” he said, making sure his eye contact was focused and intense, making sure Eli knew it to be true. “I could have asked the same thing to you after my agreement with you.” Thrawn paused. “You do remember me telling you that I once thought you were a spy, correct? For all I know it could still be true,” he said, hoping this would lighten the conversation if even just slightly.
Eli laughed slightly, although his smile once again seemed false. “Could you imagine if I was working for ISB this whole time?”
Thrawn smiled slightly despite it. “I knew it was the only explanation to you speaking Sy-Bisiti so fluently.”
Eli laughed again, although it was a bit faltered. “Yeah, not like I could have learned it from my family, who are all also actors by the way. It was all a bit to make me more convincing.”
Thrawn laughed slightly at that, Eli laughing as well with him over his own joke. His smile faded quickly again, however, as he played with his sleeve in slight anxiousness.
“What is the matter?” Thrawn confronted yet again, Eli looking at him in a way that could be described as sheepish. He felt his gaze soften as he looked at him. “Please tell me, Eli…” Eli’s shoulders tensed under Thrawn’s gaze. Slowly, Thrawn placed his hand on the table, offering it to Eli who took it carefully after a moment.
“I just don’t understand you as well as I thought I did,” he said simply, looking him in the eyes with fondness that somehow contradicted his words.
He felt his heart beat faster in his chest, the sadness in Eli’s eyes twisting an imaginary sword deeper into his heart. “I am sorry, for disappointing you,” he said, because he felt there was nothing else to say. Ei clearly disagreed about the empire's place in the galaxy. He only found it odd that the man seemed to be trying to persuade him to have an opinion Thrawn had made his views relatively clear on-
All of his thoughts cut off abruptly as pieces of a puzzle snapped into place in a way he wished it hadn’t. All the time Eli spent away from him, the time that was slowly becoming more and more frequent in a way that had concerned him. The messages Eli had dismissed as something other than what Thrawn knew they were now. The way he caught Eli looking at him, that sad look he always caught in place of Eli’s usual smiles when they made eye contact across the bridge.
“How long have you been working with the rebellion?” Thrawn suddenly asked, Eli staring at him in shock, his hand tightening his grip in Thrawn’s instead of pulling away.
“What?” Eli asked, staring at him before his expression fell into the most bitter of smiles.
“How long?” Thrawn whispered, watching him closely.
Eli stared at the table a moment, Thrawn feeling Eli’s pulse pick up as he continued squeezing his hand before Eli slowly pulled away. “Six months,” he said, looking him in the eyes again, giving him that determined gaze that Thrawn had fallen in love with years ago. “Should I ask again, now, if you’re going to turn me in for treason?” Eli asked, still looking bitter as he retreated further to his side of the table.
Thrawn stared at him, Eli’s gaze soft, somehow open, somehow nearly unafraid; he seemed to have accepted his fate, like he had known this day would come sooner than later. “You….how long did you think you could be a spy without me discovering?” Thrawn asked, and really he wondered how Eli had been managed to lie to him for so long, even if in Eli’s mind, it was out of necessity.
“Not as long as I did,” Eli said. “Quite honestly, I was surprised you didn’t already know. I thought maybe if I spoke to you about the rebellion, about the empire, I could gauge how much you knew and gauge more of what you really felt; about the empire, that is.” he was silent for a moment. “It was so hard, not sayin’ anything to you. Especially not after telling you everything for years. I know you don’t share much about yourself, but you know I can't help sharing nearly everything with you. I….I didn’t want to deceive you, Thrawn. I’m sorry, but I think you know my stance. You know that I can’t stand the way they treat you, that I can’t stand the way they exploit planets for resources, the way they exploit people….their use of slavery.”
Thrawn processed this, keeping eye contact as he slowly stood up out of his seat. Eli stared at him tensely, slowly standing as Thrawn made his way over to his side of the table. They stared at each other, Eli no longer breaking their eye contact and instead standing strong, standing firm on his side. Thrawn couldn't help it when he kissed him, cupped his cheek and leaned over before pressing his lips against Eli’s. Eli’s firm stance melted slightly into him as Thrawn did in return, Eli’s hands gently reaching into his hair, against the collar of his shirt, pulling him closer. “I’m so sorry,” Eli whispered into his lips, gently kissing him again before pulling away slightly, still close enough that his light breath could be felt against Thrawn’s cheek.
Carefully, Thrawn let go, his hand trailing down to Eli's shoulder before finally dropping. He looked the other man over, memorizing his features, his every freckle, every detail of his eyes. “I would have hoped you knew that I could not turn you in for treason, that I am incapable of doing so, Eli.” He paused. “You should also know that you cannot stay,” Thrawn said, Eli looking at him as if that was worse than Thrawn having said he would turn him in.
Eli looked at him sadly, his eyes slightly glassy. “You could come with me,” he whispered. “The empire has control, but the rebellion could take that control, Thrawn. It doesn't have to be like this. Things could work out in a way that’s more fair for everyone, including you and your people.”
Thrawn looked away, finally being the one to break eye contact. “It is not a risk I am willing to take.”
The silence was deafening, the sound of speeders outside the only thing that filled the suffocating silence between them. After a long moment, Eli finally let himself speak after a shaky breath. “You don’t hate me?” He asked, vulnerability reflected back at Thrawn as he looked back to him.
“No…do you hate me?” Thrawn asked in return, because even if Eli’s betrayal hurt, he knew it wasn’t in Eli’s nature to stand by and watch suffering. Eli was too empathetic. He knew Eli was in his right to see Thrawn’s decision to stay with the empire as an equal betrayal of what was right for the galaxy, even if it was for what Thrawn viewed as protection. Even if, in the back of Thrawn’s mind, he had been wondering the same things that eventually lead to Eli’s own treason.
“No,” Eli admitted finally. “Thrawn, you could turn me in right now and I couldn’t hate you.” He reached up, brushing a strand of hair off of Thrawn’s face gently that he had previously brushed away from its proper place. “I love you,” he said, Thrawn feeling that familiar sword in his heart finally twist as far as it could before being brutally ripped out. He hardly noticed the way his own throat clenched tighter with unspoken emotion. “Do you want me to leave, now?” Eli asked, blinking back his own tears.
“No,” Thrawn said, grabbing at Eli’s hand and squeezing. “Stay…one more night,” Thrawn whispered, even if he and Eli both knew he was pleading. Eli nodded, falling into him and pressing his nose against the crook of Thrawn’s neck.
“One more night,” Eli agreed, his grip tightening for the briefest of moments.
Thrawn tried not to think about having to say goodbye the next day; he tried not to think about it as he met Eli’s lips again in a desperate kiss, both of them grabbing tightly at each other like their lives depended on it, desperate to be closer, to feel each other deeper. He laid next to Eli later that night, Eli laying against him as he always did as Thrawn stared at the ceiling and Eli closed his eyes tighter, clearly pretending to be sleeping even if Thrawn knew he was also struggling. He tried not to think about the way he would have to watch Eli leave, watch him as his own heart bled out onto the floor, torn in two between his people and the man he had loved like no other.
And once again, Thrawn wondered if he was really strong enough to let him go.