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Sunday, 8:04 a.m.
John looked across the table, considering whether to sound an alarm. An oversized, cranky troll doll had apparently broken into his home overnight. Either that, or Adrian was in a mood. He hunched over a steaming cup of coffee (with just so much soy milk and sugar added… Weren’t these PNW types supposed to be coffee snobs?) His hair, in need of a trim, had achieved near-Eraserhead status overnight, and he was staring at John with half-lidded, bloodshot eyes from behind his glasses.
“Dude, I would have asked you to start sleeping over months ago if I’d known what a ray of fucking sunshine you are in the morning.”
Adrian growled quietly. “Actually, I’m a delight in the morning.”
John laughed. “Sure! That’s definitely been something I’ve noticed! You haven’t been a foul-tempered ass every time you sleep over!”
“Is that sarcasm?” Adrian grimaced and waved a spoon at his companion. “I’m not awake enough to tell if that’s sarcasm.”
“You’re never awake enough to tell if it’s sarcasm, but yes, I was being sarcastic. You are the opposite of a delight until after noon. You are not a morning person. There is no spring in your step. The birds do not sing for thee. There is no such thing as the right side of the bed from which you can wake up.” Truthfully, John was feeing a bit ragged himself.
“Well, John,” Adrian shoved the spoon towards him in a pointing gesture. John leaned back, wary. He didn’t think that Adrian would actually try to murder him with it, but he wasn’t going to take any chances.
“Well, I think I know why that might be,” he continued in a hiss. “I can’t wake up on the right side of the bed. Because I can’t wake up. Because to get up, you have to fall asleep in the first place and I DIDN’T FUCKING GET ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT!”
A thumping came from the wall John shared with his neighbors.
“Fuck OFF!” John and Adrian chorused.
“You didn’t get any sleep?”
“No,” Adrian said, fixing him in place with a glare. “I never get any sleep when I’m over here. Because YOU SNORE! And KICK ME! And MUMBLE ALL NIGHT!” He gestured wildly, accidentally flinging the spoon toward the light fixture, where it caromed off and landed in the sink.
John crossed his arms, defensively. “Oh, I snore and mumble? Well, I don’t know how you could hear that over you GRINDING YOUR TEETH CONSTANTLY! That is a gross-ass sound. And how could I possibly kick you when you toss and turn every 20 seconds? It’s like trying to sleep in a cement mixer.”
Adrian pushed up from his seat and leaned over the table at John. “You know what? Maybe it was a bad idea for me to start spending the night! Maybe I should just go home so that I don’t bother you with my teeth!”
“Yeah, maybe you should go and destroy your enamel in your own bed!”
“Well, I don’t grind my teeth at home, John, because I have my night guard! And I don’t toss and turn because I have my weighted blankets, and my head pillow, and my neck pillow, and my body pillow, and my knee pillow, and the other two pillows, and my white noise machine, and my melatonin gummies, and my fan!”
John now stood, towering over Adrian. “Yeah, well, I don’t snore when you’re not here, because I use my fucking CPAP, how about that?!? And I sleep just great, because I have my wedge pillow for my GERD, and my carpal tunnel braces, and my plantar fasciitis braces… and… also a fan! But I didn’t want you to see all that shit, because I didn’t want to remind you that I’m old!”
“And I didn’t want you to think I was high maintenance!”
“I know you’re fucking high maintenance, Adrian!”
“And I know that you’re ooooollllllddd!” Adrian wailed, plopping back down on his chair, head buried in his arms.
John leaned over and put his hand on his Adrian’s back, firmly. “Hey, it’s not that bad… We both like a fan running, that’s a start…” This earned him a watery chuckle. “You seriously have been giving yourself insomnia to try to make me think you’re a chill guy? No offense, but you're just not that good of an actor.”
Adrian lifted his head and looked at John. “At least I’m not suffocating myself to seem younger.”
“Point taken. Look, would you mind standing? Bending over is getting awkward, and I’d crouch next to you, but we both know that my knees would explode.”
Adrian stood up and put his arms around John’s neck, resting his head on his chest. “I don’t care that you’re older than me, you know.”
“And I don’t care that you’re maybe a tiny bit of a princess.” He grinned as Adrian poked him in the side. “I don't mind that you need things -- I like that I can do things for you, to make you happy. Can we try this again, maybe next weekend? You can bring over your night guard and your melatonin, and I have a ton of pillows stashed in the closet. I spent a fortune on them before I found one I liked. You can go through them after breakfast and see if some of them will do.”
Adrian nodded. “That sounds good. And maybe I can stream some white noise on my phone, if I can plug it in, the battery’s for shit. But you promise you’ll use all the health stuff you need so that you don’t die in the middle of the night? Because that would be a serious mood killer for me.”
“Actually, it’s good to hear you say that. I thought you might be into it.” John giggled at Adrian’s exasperated eye roll. “I promise.”
“And instead of my blankets, maybe you could… just lay on top of me?” Adrian asked, raising an eyebrow.
John kissed him, softly. “That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day. Should we try it out now? You know, for science?”
Adrian grinned and attempted to leap into John’s arms, but instead just knocked him back a few steps and into the table.
“Oops, sorry.”
“What did I tell you about — Never mind, it’s fine. Would you like to walk with me into the bedroom? If you’re good, I promise to lay on top of you for as long as you want.” He held out his hand.
“And maybe move around a little and stuff?” Adrian looked hopeful.
“I thought that was implied, but yes, maybe move around a little and stuff. Or move around a lot and stuff. And then take a nap.”
Adrian, still beaming, took John’s hand and went with him into the bedroom, where very little sleeping actually occurred, at least for a little while. And that was just fine.