Chapter Text
Pomni stared at herself in the mirror, her gaze analyzing her sharp features that were all too real for her liking. Pomni? There it is again, her aversion and dissonance from her real name and clinging to her circus name. Lucy, she repeated in her mind.
But her mouth pulled down in a frown, before she stopped. Again, her all-too-sharp features are throwing her off. No blush under her cat-like eyes, her long dark brown hair cascading down her back. At least the color was similar, though everything else was not.
Pomni. Lucy. Who was who at that moment?
She remembered briefly what had happened when she awoke from the Circus. She, they, had managed to escape, a delusion that turned into a dream. Her arms were strapped into a bed, with wires in her veins pumping substances and nutrients into her body. She had been too weak to sit up, much less to even talk, and her body felt like needles were pricking every inch of skin. The nurse who entered her room about an hour after she awoke (she had spent the minutes just watching the clock and the room, trying to get a sense of her new reality, no, her actual reality) dropped her clipboard as soon as they locked eyes, and ran down the hall to get a doctor.
A few hours after, her mother came rushing in, hair crazy looking and eyes manic. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Pomni- Lucy, and burst into tears as she gathered her daughter in her arms. A string of prayers and thanks to a higher being spilled from her mouth and into Lucy's hair as she cried, and Lucy felt a weird unattachment to this woman and the God she was praising. She breathed in her scent, igniting an array of memories of before the Circus. Memories of warm lights and an even warmer looking home, laughter and the occasional fights between mother and daughter, and she felt her shoulders start to relax. This was her mother, that she started to remember again. Someone close and trusted by her former self, wherever she was now.
The person that stared at her was Pomni though, and she touched her hair a bit as she drew her lips into a tight line. Maybe she should cut her hair...
"Lucy, darling, are you quite alright in there?" Her mother's worried voice came at the dressing door, her knuckles knocking sharply against the wooden door seperating them. Pomni looked back, a small sigh at the edge of her tongue.
"Yes, ma, I'll be just a sec," She called out, turning back to her reflection in the mirror.
"Alright, if you say so. Say, are you sure about these colors? You never were into such... bright shades before." Her mother's voice was muffled, but the meaning behind her words were crystal clear. Never were.
Lucy liked soft pastels, an arrangement of cozy sweaters and mushroom ornaments around her room, which isn't Pomni's style at all. She had gotten used to her bright jester costume during her time at the Circus, plus it's colourful and abstract surroundings were equally as bright.
She turned around and opened the door suddenly, seeing a suprised face of a comforting woman come into view.
"Oh! There you are." Her mother said, and looked at her outfit from top to bottom. "Very cute, darling. Although I saw one similar with a cream color, don't you think that would fit your tastes better?"
Pomni shrugged, and tugged at the sweater she was rocking. "I think I want to try something new. Bright colors never hurt anybody, ma."
Her mother's eyes softened, and she smiled. "Yes, very well. Whatever makes you happy, then. Shall we pay, or is there more you'd like to see?"
Pomni sweeped her eyes over the clothing store and it's contents once more, before shaking her head. "No, I think. Let me change, thanks ma."
"No worries, darling. I'll be here, always. Call me if you need anything, okay?"
Pomni nodded, and closed the wooden door again. She turned to the mirror once more, and raised an eyebrow. This looked quite right, but the hair... Oh, she'll think about that next month. She's already given her mother a heart attack when she asked the woman to start calling her by Pomni (though she never did, far favouring the name Pomni had been born with), so maybe she would wait a bit before changing her hair, give the woman a few more weeks to keep her daughter whom she'd lost to a coma for two years a while longer.
Two years. Huh. Always felt like she'd been in the Circus for much longer. Maybe the Sun and the Moon ran differently than it did in this world. Or maybe it was Caine's doing, dragging time longer. Who knew.
She tugged the sweater off (and feeling a chill run through her as it slid over her arms, sensations were never a thing in the Circus. Then again, they couldn't exactly take off their clothing. They'd just ask Caine and he'd pop new outfits on them without them ever noticing a thing), and carefully put on the brown cardigan she had worn from home. Lucy seemed to have a very "homebody" type of vibe, even though Pomni remembered her time spent at parties as a teenager.
Her memories were split into three different categories now: Before the Circus, the Circus in question, and after the Circus. Doctors say she shouldn't have any memories during 'the Circus' period, since she was in a coma, so she had obliged and kept her mouth shut about her adventures for fear of staying in another, slightly different hospital with an entirely different diagnosis. She remembered who she was before the Circus, though now feeling an intense sense of disassociation to that girl, and she's going through the motions of her new life after. A big switch.
She left the dressing room and followed her mother as they went to pay for the clothing she had picked (bright colors, like a Christmas party. Or like a jester), and she watched blankly as her mother pay. She made sure to call her mother "ma" every time they spoke, preferably in every few sentences, to remind herself and her mother that this woman is, in fact, her mother. Still her mother. It was to help with the assimilation of her new- previous life, and so far it's worked quite well.
They walked out of the store together, Pomni smiling as she listened to her mother list off things she wanted to do before the day ends. Buy groceries, come home, cook dinner, watch her new show.
"I think I'll cook bolognese pasta tonight, how about that? That was always your favourite," Her mother beamed, and Pomni nodded dutifully.
"Sure, thank you. I can't wait."
The woman stared at her for a second too long, and hummed softly. "Right, darling. Let's go before the supermarket closes."
"The supermarket never closes, ma. It's twenty four hours."
Pomni stared out the window as she waited for her mother to finish shopping, sitting in the car silently. The only sounds were from the air conditioner, and from the mechanical rumbles from the supermarket trolleys as a worker pushed them back to the front door of the supermarket. She watched him absentmindedly, wondering why everything looks so muted. The concrete floor looked really sad, all grey and dreary. Caine wouldn't have that at all.
She felt a soft tug at her heart, and she leaned back in her seat and sighed. Her chest ached dully, and she closed her eyes. She felt crazy if she thought of the Circus with fond memories, and even crazier when she felt like she missed it. But she did, she had spent two years in theory inside it and felt more alive going on Caine's adventures with her friends than she did now, in the place she had crazed over to come back to. Was it always so easy to leave everything behind? No, she thought. No, it was not.
Pomni snuck her hand into her pocket (hey, that was one positive thing since coming to the real world. Pockets. Though they never did have any need for them in the Circus), and clicked her phone on. She swiped up and tapped up 'The Amazing Digital Circus,' to no avail. She typed up 'Circus based VR,' and again, nothing. She remembered distantly before she was sucked into the Circus of seeing an ad for a stupid new game designer for VR headsets about delving into a circus based game with lots of crazy adventures in store for players. It was obscure, random, and definitely would not have caught Pomni's— well back then it was Lucy's— eyes had it not been for the bolded FREE AND ANONYMOUS words typed on the banner.
She figured that she could make some quick friends whom would all be anonynous in their own places, and spend her extra time after work chatting rather than staring into a wall. Well, turns out she'd be spending two years playing the game, but who would've known? She suppose she was a bit too stupid and naive for her own good...
But when she searched it again, it was gone. It was like the idea of a circus based VR never even existed or popped into anyone's mind, because it just wasn't there. Wasn't anywhere. It made Pomni mad and confused, and she had spent the months after leaving the hospital trying to find that stupid thing.
For why, she doesn't have a clue. To find some closure? To assure herself that what she went through wasn't a drug-induced hallucination? To find the gang again?
A small smile involuntarily appeared on her face when she thought back to her friends in the Circus. They'd all escaped, together, and she knew they must be in this world too. Adjusting to their previous lives again, just like her. Were they already looking for each other? Were they doing well? Ragatha, with her gentle demeanor and badass strength, Zooble, with their cool personality and witty jabs, Gangle, with her awesome drawing skills and sharp management skills, Kinger, with his soothing voice and deep wisdom (she wondered idly if he would have severe memory issues in the real world as he did in game), and then...
Another person popped up in her mind, and she felt her heart slow down it's beating.
How was Jax? Where was Jax? Was he doing alright in his reality? Was he thinking about her as much as she (embarrassingly) had of him? Pomni sighed, and shook her head. She pulled up her Reddit ask of TADC, to no replies. Lucy seemed like an active member of all her communities in Reddit, so Pomni had no problem uploading a post as soon as she was able to regain autonomy over her body. It had been about two weeks since she wrote it, in semi detail and added inside jokes that would only make sense to the gang, but alas. Nothing popped up.
Well, not yet.
She turned to look outside the window again to look at the worker, only to find him gone and all the trolleys lined up nicely by the front entrance. No sight of her mother yet. Pomni snuggled up in her seat, and closed her eyes again. She combed through her memories in the Circus, and soon found herself dozing off.
The next time she awoke was to her mother caressing her bangs back, the warm glow of their house lightly blinding her eyes.
"Lucielle, my darling, come. Continue sleeping inside, we're home. You're home." Her mother muttered softly, and Pomni hummed sleepily. She stood a bit straighter, rubbing her eyes. A yawn escaped her, and her mother's soft chuckle echoed in the car. The car doors unlocked, and her mother climbed out of the car and opened the bonnet to take out her things. Pomni went out of the car and to her, wanting to help carry the groceries she had bought.
"Sorry, I don't... know how I slept. Let me help, ma."
Her mother smiled, and rubbed her arms. "Go ahead inside first, it's alright. I'll wake you up for dinner, go continue your nap, okay?"
Pomni stared at her stubbornly, before getting pushed in the direction of the house softly by her mother. At that, she obliged and started up the stairs. She let herself in after unlocking the front door, kicking off her shoes and collapsing on the couch. She curled into herself, and another yawn escaped her. Her eyes were heavy, and it was not long until she left this reality again.
When she came to, she realized that she was at the Circus again. Her heart dropped, and she let out a sigh of relief when she looked down at her hands. Human hands. A dream. Her dreams after waking up mostly consisted of her human form in the Circus, wandering around and doing all sorts of doodads (it was helpful to someone who spent the first few months of movement rehabilitation feeling like a prisoner in her own body) without the watchful eye of Caine. She lifted her head, and stared somewhat fondly at the familiar (but not really) surroundings. The Circus always changed in her dreams, albeit slightly and barely notable each time, but the overall arching vibe of it was prominent. She usually just walked around by herself, reminiscing on her days in this place.
Sometimes she would dream not in the Circus, but the destination of one of their adventures. Though not much, from what Pomni had noted. Their adventures were rarely a subject of interest in her mind, more preferrable to the red and yellow and white and blue colors of the Circus.
Pomni walked around to the grand stage, climbing up on it before zoning out as she stared at the white tile floors. She kicked her feet back and forth, like a child on a swing, and began remembering one of her walks around the corridors. She was trying to practice breathing again then, accidently spending a feverous night pondering her existence to the brink of abstracting, when she had bumped into Jax in the hallway. He was outside his door, his hand on the picture of him as he stared soullessly at the floor.
She wanted to turn around then, to pretend she was never there, but he was always the quicker one between them. His ears perked up, and he turned around to look at her with small pupils. He blinked when she realized it was her, and his pupils returned back to normal. A familiar grin spread across his face, and he started gingerly walking over to her. Pomni smiled, remembering her agony at that moment at him approaching her in the middle of her night spirals.
"Heyy, Pompom," He greeted, his arms leaning on a wall near her head. He towered over her, though she never felt quite scared of him. Wary, yes. Suspicious, obviously. But scared? Not really. "Isn't it a bit late to be pandering the halls like a tiger muttering nonsense?"
Pomni had looked away then, stumbling over her words. "Oh, I was... You know! I just had stuff on my mind."
"What isn't on your mind?" Jax had snickered, and Pomni sighed defeatedly. "Come on, tell me something I don't know."
Pomni held her hands behind her back then, glancing at Jax's door. She had tried to avert the focus of conversation from her to Jax. "And what were you doing? Standing outside your room like a weirdo?"
Something flickered in Jax's eyes, just a second, before he slipped that mask back on again. "Oh, you know. Adult stuff. Little jesters won't understand."
Pomni had made a face then, feeling icky at his words of choice. "Ew, I don't even want to know." She started walking the other way, and Jax trailed beside her. He'd accompany her that night, and many more nights before and after, unknowingly keeping her mind as sane as it could get on the silent nights where all that was logical to her was abstracting. Did that somehow count as him saving her life? She supposed so, but she'd never utter those words aloud for fear the wind would carry it to wherever he was and he'd get immense cockiness from it.
Not that he would. He wasn't that sort of guy, no matter what he tried to show everyone. He wasn't very tough, either.
"I wonder how Jax is doing..." Pomni sighed dramatically.
"You sound like you like me or something," Jax asked, and she scoffed.
"Yeah, right. As if. I would rather die than-" Pomni was about to ramble when she stopped. That voice sounded too real. She whipped around, and her stomach dropped. No, like she actually felt her stomach drop out of her body.
Jax leaned against a wall on the stage behind her, his hare ears loped lazily on his head. His wide eyes seemed to be staring straight to her soul, or to her stomach that just dropped, and he didn't have a proper smile on his face. He seemed serious, almost thoughtful as he stared at her.
"What?" Pomni squeaked out, bewildered that someone was in her dream, much more that it was Jax. "What the fuck? How are you here?"
"So real Pomni swears. Nice to hear from goody two shoes." Jax stood up straight, his taller than ever frame stepping into view. "Glad to know you're a human like the rest of us, miss."
"Can you... see me?" Pomni felt her breath catch in her throat.
"If you mean the real you, then no. Unfortunately, I can only see jester you. Pomni you," Jax added, his eyes glancing away from her for a moment before he continued to stare at her again. He seemed... off. Like he wasn't sure of himself. Which was super weird of him.
Pomni got up on her feet, her fingers fidgeting. "I'm still... Pomni. I'm still her."
Jax's ears perked up, and he cocked his head as those eyes roamed over her. "Yeah? It's been a while, so I wasn't sure."
Pomni nodded, and vaguely gestured to him. "And you..? Are you still... Jax?"
That familiar smug grin appeared again, and he looked much more like the Jax she knew. "Sure I am, Pompom. Still old, god-loving, church-going Jax."
Pomni rolled her eyes, feeling a bubble of laughter escape her. She looked at him again, seeing him stare at her quite thoughtfully again. His ears were looping down again, and he alternated between looking at her and the floor. She walked closer, and she saw his shoulders visibly tense. She slowed down her pace, cautiously approaching him. She stood in front of him, and it almost felt like everything was normal. Almost.
"How did you know I was talking about real me?" Pomni asked, raising an eyebrow. Jax huffed, shrugging.
"Lucky guess. I'm cool like that."
"Jax."
Jax tilted his head at her again. "I've been seeing the others since... y'know. Usually happens when we go to sleep at the same time."
Pomni blinked, gasping. "What? You're kidding."
Jax rolled his eyes, hands moving as if to stuff them in pockets of a jacket. When that failed, he awkwardly crossed them over his body. "No, I'm not. Zooble thinks we're all still connected somehow, or at least our unconscious. We've been trying to get to you, though we figured you must've been living outside of Europe since you're never sleeping when we were."
"What? Since when?" Pomni felt a sting of guilt, thinking of them trying to find anything about her. She was searching for them too, did they know that?
"I met Ragatha for the first time like, two weeks and a half after waking up. But I don't remember about the others. We talked about it, but I wasn't really paying attention." Jax shrugged, and Pomni felt like stomping on his foot.
"Okay, thanks. I can't believe this. I was up online trying to find if you guys reached out anywhere." Pomni said, holding her head in her hands. She thought of her friends trying to find her in an entirely different way than she was trying to find them, and groaned.
"You were?" Jax's voice was soft, but Pomni heard. She turned to him, confused.
"Of course I was. I've been checking Reddit and Google super religiously, just so you know."
Jax's smile widened a little, and he snickered. "Reddit? What kind of world do you live in? Aren't you like 25 or something? Acting like a damn millenial," Jax said, and Pomni was left agape at his words.
"I'm 27, first of all. And yeah, Reddit. It would pop up first if anyone search of the Circus, so I figured... Ah, what the fuck do you know? You're so young you might as well be a baby."
One of Jax's eyebrows raise, and a wicked smile came across his hare features. "I think I liked you better with the cursing filter Caine had on. You're too mean to me. And I'm 24, almost the same age you were when you came to the Circus, thanks." Jax raised his shoulders a bit, and he adopted a bit as an awkward stance as he looked away from her. "I just figured... since you were always on about wanting to leave, you wouldn't care to come looking for us again. I thought you might be happy to leave this behind, since you were the one coming up with the plan to leave in the first place."
Pomni frowned, about to make a smart comeback to that, but then noticed the way Jax's eyes looked. His eyes were normal, not the small blocks they usually would be when he was being a smartass about something. Which meant he meant what he was saying. Huh.
"Of course I'd come looking," Pomni said, unsure of what to say. "We're friends. Of course I'd come looking for my friends."
Jax's eyes flickered to hers, and he shrugged. "Sure, Pom. Well, I think-"
Pomni awake from her sleep abruptly by the sound of the doorbell, and she shot up in cold sweat from the couch. Sounds of pans and pots in the kitchen was heard, and smells of tomato sauce and cheese wafter sround the house. Her stomach growled hungrily, and Pomni noted that she was really hungry suddenly.
Her mother's face popped out from around the corner, and lit up when she saw Pomni awake. "Lucy, can you get the door? I think it's your brother."
Pomni felt a rising antsy feeling in her body, wanting to impatiently fall back asleep to finish talking to Jax (holy shit was that really him?). But her mother was so busy, and she reminded herself that she was in the real world now. Real world. She got off the couch and went to the door, feeling like she had been reborn. Energy surged through her blood, and she opened the door to her brother and sister-in-law.
"Hey, Lucy. Thanks, forgot to bring my set of keys." Her brother, Andrew, smiled sheepishly.
"Yeah, sure. Come in."
"We bought lasagna. Thought it would match Mother's bolognese tonight." His wife, Melissa, smiled warmly, holding the tupperware in her hands like a prize. "Is she in the kitchen?"
"Yeah, uh, she is. Let me take that." Pomni held out a hand for the tupperware, but Melissa declined.
"No, it's alright. I wanted to meet Mother anyways. How are you, sweetie?"
Pomni smiled, shrugging noncommittedly. "Like usual. I can drive now, if that's good news."
"Hell yeah, my dude. That's awesome." Andrew ruffled her hair a little, closing and locking the door behind his wife. "I'm going to meet ma with Mel."
"Sure, okay." Pomni watched as they both turned the corner, and she looked down at her hands. Real world. Maybe that dream was a sign from God? Or was it just a dream? Or was it a sign from the Devil? Caine? What the hell?
She clasped her hands together, then seperated them and slapped her face a little. Her cheeks sting lightly, so this was obviously real. Had she really talked to Jax? Was what he was saying true? Oh, can she just go back to sleep?
The next time she slept was in another five hours however, since shortly after the thinking and ruminating in the living room, her mother had called her to the dining room for dinner. They spent dinner together with her brother and his wife, who were going to stay at their house for about a week, talking about life and how it's been with them and with Pomni (Lucy, still Lucy) before Andrew headed upstairs for bed. Pomni wanted to, but was forced downstairs by Melissa and her mother to watch this old show about detectives and solving crimes on TV.
It was midnight when she finally climbed under her covers. She turned up the air conditioning in her room, hoping that what had happened in the living room was not a special dream and that all of what dream Jax had said was true.
But unfortunately for her, it was another week until she ran into another person in her dreams. But fortunately for her also, Jax had remembered her words and a comment popped up on her Reddit question the day after.