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Ranma was sitting on the roof of Furinkan High, chewing on an onigiri that Akane had packed for his lunch. Actually, she had tried to give him a heart-shaped bento box tied with pink ribbons, but the moment he saw those ribbons he bolted out of the house faster than the speed of sound.
“Good riddance,” he muttered to himself, staring at the clouds. “At least nobody’s chasing me with a mallet today.”
At that exact moment, someone blocked his sunlight. A gigantic shadow fell across the roof tiles.
“Hey there, cutie.”
Ranma looked up and instantly regretted being alive.Standing in front of him was a guy so fat that his chin had its own chin, and that second chin had another one underneath. He wore a pink floral shirt that looked like it was screaming for help, and a gold chain thicker than Ranma’s wrist. In his hand he held a popsicle that he was currently licking in a way that should be illegal in at least seven prefectures.
“Who are you, and why do you smell like an entire perfume store?” Ranma asked, wrinkling his nose.
“Name’s Tanaka Jirō. But you can call me… darling.” He winked so hard Ranma felt physical pain
.“Get lost, fatso.”
Tanaka just laughed; his belly wobbled like jelly.
“I heard you’re very… flexible when it comes to appearance. And that you like to have fun. Kuno told me that if I ask you nicely for a favor in the name of a ‘secret admirer,’ you’ll agree to anything.”
Ranma felt the blood drain from his face.
“Kuno told you I’d go on a date with you?!”
“Not exactly. He said if I asked you for a favor from a ‘mysterious admirer,’ you’d say yes. And I added that the admirer prefers you in the ‘boy-dressed-as-a-girl-and-pretending-to-be-a-girl’ version. Because… you know. It’s my guilty pleasure.”
Ranma stood up so fast he nearly fell off the roof.
“I’m gonna—”
“Easy, easy!” Tanaka raised his hands in surrender. The popsicle fell onto the tiles.
“If you don’t want to, fine. But then the whole school will find out that Ranma Saotome is too scared for one little date with an admirer. And that he’d rather run away than face a challenge. I heard you’re proud as a peacock.”
Ranma froze.The word “coward” worked on him like a red flag on a bull.
“…Where and when?” he hissed through clenched teeth.Tanaka’s triumphant grin showed way too many teeth.
“Sweets Corner restaurant, seven o’clock tonight. You come as a boy wearing girl clothes and acting like my girlfriend. Greeting kiss mandatory.”
“I’m going to kill you.”
“See you later, sweetie!” Tanaka waved his chubby little hand and waddled off, humming “Kawaii desu ne~.”
Ranma stood there for five full minutes trying to remember exactly when his life had become this much of a nightmare.
Seven o’clock that evening.Ranma stood in front of Sweets Corner wearing a pink mini-skirt, white thigh-high socks, and a crop top that read “Princess.” His hair was tied into twin tails, his lips coated with strawberry-flavored lip gloss (Kasumi had forced him, claiming “it wouldn’t look authentic otherwise”).
He felt like a walking crime against humanity.
The restaurant door jingled open, and out stepped Tanaka—in a full pink suit. With a heart-patterned bow tie.
“Oh my God,” Ranma whispered in horror.
“Darling!” Tanaka spread his arms wide. “You’re gorgeous! Come to daddy!”
“Please never call yourself that,” Ranma groaned, but Tanaka had already engulfed him in a hug. A very tight, very sweaty hug.
“Mmm, you smell like a dream,” he murmured into Ranma’s ear.Ranma died a little inside.The inside of the restaurant was wall-to-wall pink and hearts. The waitresses wore bunny ears. Sailor Moon music was playing.
Tanaka led him to their table, holding his hand the entire way. Ranma tried to yank free, but Tanaka’s fingers were like steel clamps wrapped in fat.
“Sit down, princess,” Tanaka said, pulling out the chair.Ranma sat—very carefully, because the skirt was really short.
“So what does my little girl want to eat?” Tanaka opened a menu the size of a movie poster. “Parfait? Crêpes Suzette? Or maybe… me?”
“Shut up or I’ll kick you in the face,” Ranma hissed in the sweetest voice he could manage so no one else would hear.
Tanaka just laughed.“You’re so shy! I love it! Here, let me feed you with a spoon.”
“Don’t you dare touch me with that spoon.”
“But girls love that!”“I’m not a girl, you idiot!”
“Shhh, sweetie, people are looking. Smile.”
Ranma smiled. It looked like a wolf about to bite.A bunny-eared waitress approached.“What can I get for the lovely couple?”
Tanaka placed his hand over Ranma’s.“The biggest love-love parfait for my girlfriend, and the same for me. We’ll share from one bowl, right, honey?”
Ranma looked at the waitress with pleading eyes. She just giggled.
“You two are adorable!”
When she left, Ranma leaned across the table.
“Listen, fatso. One more second of this and I swear I’ll actually kill you. Right here.”
Tanaka blinked.“But… you agreed.”
“I agreed because I thought it was a joke! Or that someone was testing me! Not that you’d actually grope me like I’m your girlfriend!”
“But… I really like you…”
Ranma opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.
“You’re gay?”
“Bi. But I prefer cute boys in skirts. It’s called… femboy, right?”
Ranma felt his world ending.
“I’m not a femboy. I’m cursed by Jusenkyo springs!”
“I know, I know. But you’re still pretty.”
At that moment, two gigantic parfaits arrived. One had a little sign that read “For lovers—share with your sweetheart!”
Tanaka scooped up a huge spoonful of whipped cream.“Open wide, little bird.”
“Never.”
“Come on. Just once. For me.”
Ranma looked at him. Then at the ice cream. Then at the people around them who were genuinely starting to stare. He sighed deeply and opened his mouth. Tanaka fed him the spoonful—with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
“Mmm, good girl,” he cooed. Ranma swallowed and felt like he’d just sold his soul to the devil for strawberry ice cream. But somehow, he had to admit that it tasted really nice. So, for the next couple ot minutes minutes, Tanaka fed him spoonfuls, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and called him “kitten,” “bunny,” and “my little princess.” Ranma stopped even struggling. He just sat there like a prisoner on death row and let it happen. He did his best to not show how much he liked... ice cream, of course To his own, uttermost shock, he finally realized that he actually enjoys this... date. This made him blush even more, his legs started to tremble. Tanaka, noticing this, leaned in and whispered:
“Want to go to the bathroom? I can help you with the stockings…”
As Tanaka's beath waved on his neck, Ranma felt shiver running down his spine. It was going too fat! Before he could even think twice, he shot up so fast he knocked over the chair.
“ENOUGH!” he shouted—in his real boy voice. Everyone turned. Tanaka blinked.
“Honey?”
“Listen here, you fat creep,” Ranma grabbed him by the bow tie and yanked him close. “One more word, one more touch, and I swear on every martial art that exists, I’ll turn you into ground beef!”
Tanaka turned beet red.
“B-but… you said you’d act like a girl…”
“I thought it’d be funny! Or that someone would take a picture and I’d be screwed! Not that you’d actually treat me like your girlfriend!”
“But… I really hoped…”Ranma let go of the bow tie. Tanaka flopped back into his seat. They stared at each other for a long moment. Ranma burned with anger and shame, realizing he broke the promise he made to Tanaka just because... of what? He knew he had to make it out somehow. He was a man of words, after all.
“You know what?” Ranma said suddenly. “You’re disgusting. And shameless. And honestly the worst. But…” he sighed. “Nobody has ever bought me a parfait this huge before. And wiped my mouth with a napkin. Not even Akane does that.”
Tanaka blinked in surprise.
“So… what do I get in return?”
“Nothing. Just… don’t ever do this again… thanks for the ice cream.”
Tanaka gave him a shy smile.
“Can I at least walk you home? As a bodyguard? Because in that skirt…”
“Shut up,” Ranma muttered, but he didn’t pull away when Tanaka took his hand again.
At the door, Tanaka paid the bill (it was insanely expensive). Ranma glanced at him.
“You rich or something?”
“Dad owns a candy factory. That’s where all the ice cream comes from.”
“Ah.”
They walked in silence. Tanaka didn’t try to grope him anymore, but his sheer prensence made Ranma feel strange. He could still not shake the feeling he had when Tanaka fed him back then.
“You know,” Ranma said eventually, “if you ever want to actually pick someone up… maybe first ask if they even like guys.”
“I know. But you’re… special.”
“Because I turn into a girl with cold water?”
“No. Because even when you’re mad, you’re cute.”
Ranma stopped walking, turning back as he blushed again.
“You really are insane.”
“I know. But who can't resist real cuteness?”
They reached the Tendo house. Ranma looked at Tanaka.
“Well… see ya.”
“Can I at least get a good-bye kiss?” Tanaka clasped his hands like he was praying.
Ranma was about to say something venmous, but to his own surprise, he stood on tiptoe, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. The very chubby cheek.
“You’re gross. But… not the absolute worst.
”Tanaka nearly fainted from happiness.
Ranma, red as a brick. dashed through the gate and slammed it shut.
Inside, Akane was waiting with her arms crossed.
“So how was the date with your ‘admirer’?”
Ranma looked at her, then at his skirt, then back at Akane.
“Never again do I make bets with Kuno.”
Akane raised an eyebrow.
“That was Tanaka Jirō—the third-year who weighs over a hundred kilos?”
“Yeah.”
“And you went on a date with him dressed as a girl?”
“…Yeah.”
Akane burst out laughing so hard she fell on the floor.
Ranma yanked off the dress and threw it on the ground.
“Laugh all you want. I still had the biggest parfait of my life!"
From upstairs came Genma’s voice:
“Son, I’m proud of you! A real man among men knows how to score free food!”
Ranma slammed his forehead against the wall.