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After Muzan’s defeat everyone took their time to adjust to their newfound peace. For years Genya could only hope that his brother would accept him back into his life, make everything right again.
Being sliced in half by Kokushibo nearly ruined that chance for him, but he managed to regenerate for the most part - leaving him with a scar across his body, from hip to forehead, and a blind eye. But he survived! What truly mattered to him though was that Sanemi was more than happy to take him in. They would learn how to be brothers again.
But as months passed, things were starting to get a little…tense. As it turned out, the years spent apart weren’t rushing to catch up to them. Their conversations flowed, but sometimes uncomfortable silence followed. What didn’t help either was that Genya’s recovery was taking a lot more time than Sanemi’s, constantly bumping into things and having trouble reading Tanjiro’s letters. For a good month his eye watered and hurt every time he tried to pick up a letter, the words got all jumbled up.
Sanemi had to read them out loud. He also got used to warning Genya every step he took so he wouldn’t bump into something.
At first he appreciated it. It comforted him that Sanemi cared about him, but he was getting better. Not perfect, but better. And it became clear to him that his brother failed to see that.
“Do you need help?” Genya peeked over his brother's shoulder as he washed the dishes.
“Nah.”
“You don’t have to do everything alone, I can help.”
Sanemi spared him a glance, but his expression was weird. Like there was a thought in his mind that he refused to give voice to. Genya didn’t know what to make of it. Wait, did he think he wouldn’t be able to do a simple task like that?
“No, it’s fine. You can go rest.”
Genya’s shoulders slightly dropped, but he did not want to argue. Still, a subtle pain grew in his chest. Even when they were little, Sanemi had the bad habit of doing most of the chores. He was the eldest, afterall, but even then, he was more compliant to let Genya help.
It was just them against the world. They were the ones to protect their family. Their mother and siblings. They had to make their life a little easier.
Now they only had each other. Genya only had Nemi, and he wanted to help his brother. No, he needed to help. Even if it was the smallest thing in the world, there had to be something he could do!
The thought made him determined. He did not have to wait for his brother, he could do anything, prove that he was competent!
And he did try. He tried everything, but his brother was quickly there to shut him down.
“Just leave it.” A firm command when he tried to sweep the engawa by himself.
“Oi! You’re going to fall down!” A shout that nearly made him actually fall off the tree he was getting apples from.
“No, stay here. It’s a long walk.” When he tried to accompany his brother to town.
“You aren’t supposed to put these here!” When he didn’t put the cups in their rightful place.
“Shit!” A quiet, genuine hiss that left his brother’s mouth when Genya tried to write back to Tanjiro for the first time by himself, but his hand bumped the ink pot and made it spill everywhere.
“I’m sorry!” Genya gasped, and was ready to hop up and get a rag, but Sanemi was faster.
“Just leave it.” His brother snarled, eyes piercing him so he wouldn’t even think about moving. Genya froze. His brother hasn’t done that since they reconciled. His expression wore a painful resemblance to that he always gave him when they were in the corps. A knot grew in his stomach and he had to excuse himself, muttering pitiful apologies as he rushed away.
Because that’s what he was. Pitiful. No wonder Sanemi didn’t want his help, nothing had changed! He was the same brother Sanemi had to deny having out of shame.
He was doomed to mess up. He was really doomed.
More days passed, and after Sanemi gave him the quiet shoulder first, everything went back to normal, but the pain did not go away. If anything, it grew stronger. He could only hear his brother’s voice over and over.
Pathetic. Useless.
“You’re doing it wrong." His brother spoke up from behind him. Genya's hand stopped in the air as he flinched at the sound. He was trying his best to cut the bonsai into a perfect shape. Sanemi walked over and easily took the scissor. Genya took a deep breath,watching as Sanemi continued with the cutting the same way he did, just a tad bit faster. He was jealous how well he could still work with fewer fingers and non-dominant.
He knew his brother was talking to him, and he could pick up some of it. Like how to give it a better shape, how to not cut off too much, but Genya’s mind wandered. Every word turned into another, much more malicious one.
Useless.
“I’ll cut these” Genya squirmed his way over in front of his brother, who was in the middle of preparing dinner, and with a swift move took the knife from him. Sanemi scoffed, immediately trying to take it back.
“No, just go wait over there-”
“I’m fine, Nemi. ” he argued, barely able to fend him off. “I’m not a damn child, I can do stuff on my own-”
Suddenly his hand hit something, and with a loud thud the bowl of rice fell right down onto the ground. He froze, panic slowly taking over him. He flinched when his brother very calmly spoke up.
“Genya.”
“... Yeah?”
“Give me the fucking knife.”
Defeated, he gave his brother the utensil, then bent down to pick up the bowl, and what remained, but the struggle with his vision only made him more frustrated. He nearly spilled it out again. That was his only sin.
“Just leave it!” Sanemi said to him rather harshly, so Genya was forced to retreat with a sigh. He had to walk away in shame again. If he couldn't do this, then what could he do? He was useless, no wonder Nemi was so upset.
So he tried to stay out of his way as much as he could. Genya watched him from the window as Sanemi tended to his beetles, his furrowed brows finally easing on his forehead, and even a small smile appeared on his lips.
Because Genya finally wasn't there to ruin everything.
He felt like he was going to suffocate. And the thoughts only kept coming, even when he laid in the dark. He couldn't sleep. He just couldn't.
He glanced at his brother's sleeping frame not too far from himself. Genya only spent a few nights sleeping alone. Nightmares began to torture him, and they both deemed it was best if they shared a room… just like when they were kids.
How pathetic Sanemi must have thought him.
He turned to his side, facing the wall instead as a lump formed in his throat. He couldn't cry. He didn't want to disturb his brother. So he just spiraled right until he fell asleep. He would do better tomorrow, and that's a promise he was going to keep.
…
The first thing he noticed when he opened his eyes was the scratching pain in his throat. The second was his brother’s absence in the room. How long has he slept??
He quickly got up and strutted down the corridor to the kitchen. Sanemi was sitting there, reading a letter.
“Ah, you’re up.”he mumbled, tossing the letter his way. He rolled his eyes. “Tanjiro sent one of these again, asking how you've been and all.”
“He’s worried about you too-”Genya tried to reply, but his voice came out sore and quiet.
“Oof” Sanemi commented, eyeing the younger Shinazugawa, but Genya just quickly cleared his throat. His voice had a funny tone to it, but he continued like it was nothing.
“You could write back to him too, y'know.”
Sanemi gave him an ‘are you serious’ look as he held up his right hand…That was missing two of its fingers. Writing seemed to be a harder task with his other hand.
“I meant that, you can tell me what to write and I’ll do it.”
Sanemi’s gaze fell onto the table for a moment, thinking, then simply shook his head. Genya felt a rush of disappointment. Of course Nemi couldn't trust him with this either…
“Hey.” he perked up at Sanemi’s voice “You okay?”
“Why wouldn't I be?”
Sanemi raised a brow, which Genya chose to ignore. He just sat down to look through the letter himself. Tanjiro was always nice, but it had been some time since they've seen each other… Not just him, but the rest of their group too.
He suddenly felt Sanemi’s hand make contact with his forehead.
“You’re warm”
“I’m fine, Nemi” he leaned away, and Sanemi left it alone. He did look at him suspiciously for the rest of the day though.
And it was no wonder why. As the day progressed, Genya started feeling worse and worse. His throat itched, his limbs felt like rocks were weighing him down and by the time it was lunch, he was coughing rapidly. He got to a point where he couldn't even pass a good five minutes without it.
Sweat prickled on his forehead and as he wiped it, he had a realization. His hair was getting long. When they were kids, their mother used to cut it, then as Sanemi grew older, he slowly took over that task too.
Genya watched how well he worked with the scissors, so he was sure he could cut his hair again, but…No. He can do this.
His body ached as it shook, he could barely make it to their bathroom before collapsing onto the stool.
He doesn't need help. He shouldn't need help, Sanemi had far more important things to worry about anyway.
The scissors were in his hand in no time. A cough rang through him as he dragged a mirror in front of himself. He only noticed now how baggy his eyes and how pale his skin were in the dim light. He dared not to look at himself anymore.
He took a strand of his hair, then cut it. See? Not that hard. Again, again, and again, but this time he coughed again, and he cut down more than he wanted to.
Genya bent forward, clutching himself as he coughed until he gagged. He swallowed what wanted to come back from his stomach then took a panicked look at himself.
He messed up. Again. Why does he keep messing up?!
He just cut and cut, not caring anymore how it looked. He cut the curly part shorter, leaving it patchy and ruffled, while taking a slice from everywhere, all with quick, aggressive motion.
He bit into his lips as tears rolled down his face. His breathing came out rugged and hoarse. Useless. Useless. So fucking useless-
“Genya, what are you do…ing?” Genya flinched and managed to deliver a slight stab to his forehead. Sanemi rushed to him in no time but he just clutched the now bloody scissor to himself.
“No! I can do it! I can do it!”
He felt Sanemi brush through his hair with a firm hand, trying his best to take the scissors with the other. Genya sobbed violently, shaking his head.
“Please, let me do it, I’m not useless Nemi, I’m not-”
He knew Sanemi was speaking to him but he couldn't understand a thing over how loud his heart seemed to beat in his chest. Truth to be told, he could concentrate on the sickening, yet tempting thought of stabbing that scissor through his hand again and again. He deserved it anyway for making a mess of his hair out of recklessness, for letting Nemi see him like this and for wailing like a damn child.
He started coughing, and Sanemi took the scissor from him with quick motion, tossing it to the side and holding him instead. What is he doing?
“Genya, you’re hot like a furnace.” Sanemi kept touching his forehead, brushing away the blood with his thumb. Genya swore he could see fear in his brother’s eyes. He wheezed as his lungs tightened like it wanted to suffocate him.
What is he doing? Has he lost his mind? What is happening?
“You have to lay down!”Sanemi ordered, grabbing him by the arm and guiding him through the door.
“But-”
“Bed. Now!”
Genya let out a pathetic whine as he fell down onto his futon, all his bones crying in relief as he laid back. Sanemi disappeared, movements slightly panicked as he hurried to the kitchen, gathering a bowl and a clean rag, then rushed back to his brother.
When he came back Genya was curled up into a blanket, shivering violently. The older Shinazugawa sat at his side, wiping away the sweat and blood from his forehead. Genya seemingly didn't have the energy to complain, barely being able to keep his eyes open as he quietly sobbed. Sanemi let out a heavy scoff, then tried to get up.
Genya caught his wrist.
“I’m sorry, Nemi.” Genya said with a small voice.
“For what?” Sanemi quietly barked back, finding the question ridiculous. His heart squeezed when he noticed Genya's mouth wobble again.
“I’m sorry, I really tried. I really tried to be useful!” He sat up, his shaking hand still holding onto Sanemi’s wrist, though he was weak. He purposely didn't move away. “I… tried to be strong, I thought I could brush it off, but I’m useless… I… I really am useless.” his voice choked.
“Genya.”
“I’m so sorry Nii-chan!”
Sanemi scooted close, pulling his brother into his arms as he cried. He squeezed him tight, burying his face into his hair.
“It’s alright, Genya. It's okay.” Sanemi tried to shush him, completely stunned by the whole situation. “You have a very high fever.”
“No, I ruin everything!” he said, barely resisting another coughing fit. “I ruin everything…”
“You’re sick, it's not your fault.”
Genya grew quiet for a moment, not really understanding how Sanemi could hold him so gently after all of this. He's just causing more trouble, that's the only thing he's good at. Yet he held onto him. He wasn’t mad, but why wasn’t he?
Sanemi kept patting his hair and back, rocking him gently back and forth like he was some small child.
“Maybe… you wouldn't have to suffer… because of me if I just didn't…make it when that demon-”
“Don't you dare say that!” Sanemi suddenly grabbed Genya’s, making him look up at him. Genya gasped, slightly flinching as Sanemi wiped away his tears with his thumb. “Don’t ever say that, got it?”
Genya whined, ripping away from the embrace for a moment to have a cough. Sanemi tried his best to steady his own breathing, then guided him to lay back down, pulling the covers all the way up to his neck.
“You are the best thing in my goddamn life, Genya. You always were and you always will be.” he caressed his forehead. “Don’t you ever dare to think otherwise! If… God…” he let out a shaky breath. Genya only realized now that the older one was fighting back tears. “If I had lost you, I don't know what would have happened to me. I wouldn't want to be in a world where you're not there.”
That earned another harsh sob from Genya, who reached up to hold his brother's hand. He squeezed it close to his face.
“You are not useless, never. But I've been alone for so long that sometimes it's still unbelievable that you’re… here.” A tear rolled down his cheek, the rest completely blurrying his vision. He let out a bittersweet laugh. “You’re really here.”
Genya nodded, closing his eyes as he gave Sanemi’s hand a squeeze.
“Yes, I am.”
“I’m sorry.”
Genya shook his head. “No, I understand it’s hard. I just-” he sniffled. “I really thought that you think I’m useless…”
“I’d never think that.” Sanemi frowned. “I think it was just easier to do everything on my own, I didn’t want to put pressure on you.” He caressed Genya’s face again, who immediately leaned into the touch. “But, I guess I still did that.”
“Let me help, Nemi.” He looked into Sanemi’s eyes. “You’re not alone anymore. Please remember that.”
That weird, far off look again, then Sanemi managed a nod. He understood now. His brother had built walls around himself, shutting everyone and everything away, and Genya knocked on it. A strange feeling it must have been, after all this time.
But maybe he could help him tear it down.
Genya’s eyes soon turned heavy and he managed to fall asleep. Sanemi let out a heavy, sneaky sigh that he held. It was his fault his little brother felt like he wasn't enough. If only he could’ve been kinder. If only he hadn’t said all those horrible things to him, he wouldn’t have to suffer.
He wanted to make it right, he just didn’t know how. He didn’t even know if that was possible.
He glanced at Genya’s sleeping frame again, and his mouth curled up into a soft smile. Genya will show him how, he was sure of that. He just had to let him.