Archive of Our Own

Thomas had been watching friends Friends for longer than he cared to admit before remembering Robin, and the reason they’d even ended up on that couch in the first place. Well, to be precise, the moment he remembered the man was when he saw him sitting alone in the library after going to fetch Alison for the next disc. He faltered in his steps, debating whether or not to try and talk to him (– maybe he was alright anyways, just wanting some time alone?) when he heard a muffled sob.

Oh.

Oh no.

Robin didn’t cry.

Or at least he hadn’t, not in all the time Thomas had known him in– and that was multiple centuries by now. People that the caveman cared about had died, ghosts that the caveman cared about had been sucked off, and the ones that were still around had had falling outs and fights and... Cursing himself and his empathy, he stepped inside the room.

Robin sat on the couch with his knees against his chest, arms resting on top of them, head turned to look out the window as it itself lay on his forearms. “Erm” Thomas made his presence known, taking a tentative step forward “Are you quite alright, Robin?” No answer came from the furry heap, so Thomas pursed his lips in thought, and spoke “You are upset. I do understand that feeling, your sadness – Believe me, I understand emotions a great deal” he crossed his arms behind his back as he went on “With a heart as wild as mine, as.. as.. Well, intense, I’ve felt it a hundred times before. But you see, you’ve lived thousands of years, or, well, died a thousand of years now. Been dead, I mean to say. What is one missed night in the face of that all?” he said with a small laugh, as if joking “And it was a very important dinner for dear Alison, and.. You must understand that, no?” He smiled, sitting down next to Robin. When he was met with, lo and behold, more silence, he gently put a hand on the other man's shoulder “Would some poetry cheer you up?”

“No” his hand was shrugged off “Me no.. No need apology. No-pology less”

“Excuse you, what do you mean a “no-pology “scoffed Thomas “I have apologized, and I’ll do it again, here: I apologize. I said it”

“You no say anything.” Said Robin “You speak lot, but no say. No apologize”

Thomas opened his mouth, and closed it “What is that even supposed to mean? You say I speak but don’t speak, you’re making no sense. And I am trying to make you feel better, but if you don’t want my help, well-”

“You poet, no?” Robin turned his head, looking at Thomas now. Who shut up upon actually seeing tears “You know what sinnamins, and what different. Speak, no say. You no say. Well, no matter. No need apology, I said”

“Me said. No, I said” Thomas corrected (twice)

“No, I say,” said Robin

“Anyways” said Thomas “I want to anyway. Say... an apology, for not participating in your.. Ritual. Moon Stone and so”

“Moonah Stone. Thank you,” Robin replied, and then nobody said anything, and it was silent except for muffled laughter upstairs and cutlery clinking next door. And Thomas would leave for either if it weren’t for the fact that Robin looked just as sad as he had before Thomas came in, and he would have said something to change that if... he knew anything to say.

Instead, he just opened his mouth, taking in air as if to speak, only to close it again.

“Why do you like the moon so much?” came a voice from his feet. Robin and Thomas turned their heads, to see Humphrey laying on the floor, half beneath the sofa.

Thomas was about to ask how long he had been there, just listening, but Robin spoke before he could: “Me.. Was here before house was built. Before you or Thomas or Julian. Long after family. See house and see house go, see a lot of family come and go. Forget a lot, forget family. Forget.. Me, at time. But Moonah.. Always there” Robin replied, and Thomas faintly wondered how the other man had managed to get such a profound and response with such a simple question

The short answer was, Humphrey had been laying there a long time, and Thomas had walked in just after Robin. Otherwise, he would have tried to console the caveman himself, wouldn’t he? And it wasn’t particularly hard to get him to admit what was wrong; you just had to ask. Which Thomas hadn’t even thought of.

“I understand” said Humphrey, still on the floor, laying on his ear and facing the dark space under the couch “It’s been with you since the start. It’s the only thing that has never left you, that will never leave you”

Robin nodded, which Humphrey couldn’t see.

“You know it won’t, even if you didn’t do it this-”

“know” said Robin “Moonah not go”

“It won’t” Humphrey reassured him, and, after a pause, said “This is not about the moon, is it?”

“What are you blabbering about, man, what else would it be about?” Thomas asked, more confused than irritated does this seem less annoyed? but as he spoke, Robin turned his head, avoiding eye contact with the head (which couldn’t move and also hadn’t looked at him anyway)

“Robin” Thomas said incredulously “then what has upset you this much?”

“Nothin’” came the reply “Least nothing important”

“Well, it has made you cry, for the first time in millennia, so-”

“No cry” barked Robin, turning to face Thomas “No business of yours”

“Is it Julian?” asked Humphrey, who somehow had managed to be forgotten in the conversation again, despite having spoken moments before

“Julian? Why..” Thomas trailed off, while Robin’s cheeks darkened

“He hasn’t broken up with you, has he?” asked Humphrey, and Robin shook his head, making his hair fly in all directions “Well then. He can’t possibly fancy anyone else, with the way he acts around you" he went on, and Robin couldn't hide the stupidest smallest smile at the remark “so, he has hurt you in some way”

“He no mean to me” Robin was quick to defend his boyfriend, and Humprey said “of course he hasn’t. It’s not about anyone being at fault, but you’re hurt”

Robin furrowed his brows, about to snark back but Humphrey spoke first: “Julian doesn’t want you to hurt, does he?”

“...No” said Robin

“He wants to protect you?”

“Yes. That what boyfriend do, or normal friend. Me protect him, too”

Humphrey would nod if he could. Instead, he said “Alright. So, Julian would want to fix you being hurt right now, wouldn’t he? And to do that, he’d need to know what hurt you in the first place”

“Is.. not that deep" said Robin (he’d picked up some very strange slang from Alison) “don’t want to make fuss. No hurt him with.. drama”

“But he’d be more hurt by you feeling like this and not tell him, hm?” said Humphrey “I’m sure he’d understand. You could hold each other and talk, and he would know not to do it again, and you would know that you could talk to him about stuff like this. It’s a brave thing to do, but you are brave, hm?”.

“I.. Yes. Me brave, and Julian nice.” Robin decided. He stood up and then was still for a moment. “Thank you” he said, and walked out of the library, leaving a still-on-the-cold-and-dusty-floor Humphrey and a dumbfounded Thomas, barely processing the conversation

“I- how on earth did you know that was the issue? How did you even know they were... They are together? How did I not..” He seemed to gather himself, if barely, and bent down to pick Humphrey up. Or his head, that was.

“Wasn’t very difficult, was it? With the way those two were looking at each other” Humphrey said “Thanks for picking me up, by the way” he smiled, only then noticing Thomas’ expression. He looked strange.

“You recognize the look of love so easily? And those words, you said... How did they soothe him with such ease?” he asked, astounded

“Well, I just told the truth. And who who’s in love and loved in return doesn't want to listen to what they know is true anyway, with just a little push?”

Thomas’ looked at him in something akin to wonder. Or mania. “Are you... alright?” asked Humphrey, and Thomas blinked, opening his mouth in a strange form of happiness or confusion, and if he wasn’t dead Humphrey would have thought the man was having a stroke. “Yes, yes, I am... You really are a rather.. charming Man”¹.

And now it was Humphrey’s turn to blink. Just not in awe, but in confusion “Well, thank you” he said “would you mind putting me on the sofa or-”

“Well, of course.” Thomas said “Unless- well, the others are watching a series right now, so”

“Oh” said Humphrey, surprised to be thought of “well, sure then”

And as Thomas picked him up to carry him upstairs, Humphrey may not have been able to see his expression – unchanged from the one before, and eyes keeping on glancing downwards – but he was able to feel that he was held not as an object, fingers over his face, or god forbid by his hair, but rather delicately. As if the hands had only just now discovered that what they were carrying was something valuable.

...

“Say, Humphrey” came a voice from above “Can I ask you a question?” The hands of the voice’s owner (can voices be owned?)

Who Humphrey had just identified as Thomas, picked him up from where he was lying on the floor, next to a hole. How he had even found him, he didn’t know, he had thought all the others were busy with trying to get the Hotel Lady to leave- she had shown up out of nowhere, and of course only now that, after all this time there finally was some routine in the chaos that was their death. So it was only understandable all the others were more than busy trying to fix the situation, trying to get Alison to stay. And since getting Alison to stay involved actually talking to her, he would have expected Thomas to be even more interested than the others

“Well, you just did” he replied, being turned to face the other man

Thomas did a strange little sound, like a laugh, and said: "Yes, I just did” and he had that weird expression again, a mix of fascination and confusion, and Humphrey furrowed his brows the tiniest bit

“I'm sure you’ve noticed our little... Situation with that ghastly woman, wanting to drive dear Alison away and turn our home into a hotel – crawling with people, no rooms of our own.. Exiled from our very own home for strangers than spend little more than a week here at a time, here, in our eternal prison, yet home.. Leaving us to suffer the consequences of-”

“..Yeah, I did” replied Humphrey, and Thomas went on, beginning to walk around in the room as he sometimes did when speaking “The Captain has, for whatever reason just decided to abandon us, all the while he’s the one always talking of heroism and bravery” Thomas scoffed “I say, if he does not want to offer us a helping hand, well, let him! But Kitty, and Pat and.. Well, most of them (all of them) have appeared to be concerned for him” he said it as if it was absurd, tilting his head to look down at Humphrey “You managed to console Robin through means which I still don’t quite grasp, so, I thought maybe you’d help me with this, too”

He held the other man(‘s head) a short distance way, arms bent at the elbows, fingers below his jaw, but not threatening to choke him with his grip (which had happened before)

“Well,” said Humphrey, after a brief pause “Why is he upset?”

Thomas scoffed “I suppose because he can’t be in control all the time, and the old walrus just can’t seem to live with that” and Humphrey raised his brows

“Well then, why does he want to control things?” he continued “I think he just wants to know that there’s something he still has power over, as a ghost. Because he really hasn’t, eh? And it’s difficult for him to put that away, just like it’s difficult for him to be spontaneous cause otherwise he’d feel like.. Well, he was dead”

“And maybe it’s to do with the military thing, I don’t know, maybe he feels like he can, erm... cling to those ranks, for structure, for something to give him order in a situation like this ”

Thomas blinked. He opened his mouth, but only after a second, spoke “That... How do you manage to make it seem so obvious? These... Things" he sounded surprised, as if he hadn’t even thought about asking himself these questions before, and Humphrey would have shrugged if he could. He opted for a slight head-tilting instead

“Well, I suppose I’ve learned to know a lot about these things,” he replied, which was true. When you were left lying around wherever you were put down or knocked off your body for days or weeks at a time, you didn’t have much else to do than observe and think about what you observed. And well, at some point you had to get good at it, didn’t you?

But then, he noticed Thomas get an almost manic glint in his eyes again “You.. Know so much about these things?” ².

Humphrey was about to reply, when the two of them heard a loud noise from somewhere down the hall “Oh” said Thomas, who had the benefit of seeing the source (having feet to move you to it could do that), and hastily put the sole head back down “I’m sorry, but-” he started “Just a second” he shouted as he left the room

“Hey- take me with you, or at least...” he sighed, realizing he couldn't be heard anymore “...get me away from this giant hole”

...
A few days later, he wasn’t entirely surprised when the other ghosts just left him lying outside after he’d been knocked off his body (again); his cheek mushed against the gravel. He was even less surprised by the rest of him joining them, seemingly forgetting already that a part of him was missing.

He was surprised, however, when a few moments later, he was picked up. By now, he could tell who it was before the other spoke, because no one else held him quite so carefully

“I must apologize” said Thomas “for leaving you like that back in that room”

“Oh, you’re sorry for forgetting about me just as soon as I finished doing you a favour?” Humphrey replied in a dry, sarcastic tone. He wasn’t even very mad, being used to it after centuries of the same procedure – that didn’t mean he wasn’t more than a little annoyed, though.

At that, Thomas seeming to struggle to form words, and Humphrey was about to make some gesture about how it was really alright after all, and no, he didn’t mind that much, when-

“Yes, I am. It was terribly unkind and even if it did result in a brief reunion of, well, you, I shan’t have done it” Thomas said earnestly, taking the two of them inside. “Especially after you’d been oh-so friendly to me, to give me such insight on the Captain. It was a great help, if you’ll know. He was back on our side at the end of it”

Humphrey didn’t mention that he heard quite well what the Captain did and didn’t do (Getting the hotel lady down to the plague pit were a very good idea, he had to admit), so he just opted for a “Well, you’re forgiven.”

“Thank you.” said Thomas, and, for maybe the first time since Humphrey knew him, shut up, and they walked in silence. Thomas adjusted his grip, opting to hold Humphrey against his torso, facing the way they were going as he made his way up the stairs, and Humphrey’s world was a little less shaky. He appreciated the thought, even if he probably now had Thomas’ bullet wound against the back of his head.

“Hey, could you give me the time?” Humphrey asked “If it’s not too late, I could join the impressions club, maybe. Or.. Watch the impressions club, for once”

“I don’t quite think that the others will still do that today, with all the buzz about Alison, and the hotel and... Well,"

“Oh” replied Humphrey, then said “y’know, I am glad we averted that one. Can’t imagine living in a hotel, all those people you don’t know, and all of them leaving before you can get to know them..”

“Oh yes. Especially when we just got so comfortable, with someone actually seeing us. And the facts that it’s lovely Alison, who has brought us the git of recognition..” Thomas sighed and Humphrey allowed himself to pull a small face because the other man couldn’t see him anyway

“Nay, it would be far too terrible to go back to how things were before, unnoticed, forgotten, invisible..” Thomas sighed again, but while the first one had been almost wistful, this one sounded like it was meant to be pained. Humphrey didn’t miss the irony, as he was still all those things, even with Alison now.

“Yeah well” he said “could you maybe just get me on a bed then? Would be nice to sleep on a pillow again,” he chuckled, then stopped, then sighed. (this one was longing)

Thomas seemed to halter for a moment, before saying, tone slow and almost disbelieving “You... Want me to get your head.. On the conjugal bed?”

“Erm.. I suppose” Humphrey replied, and Thomas repeated, almost to himself

“You ask me the time... But I sense something more”

He supposed he was off improvising poems again, so Humphrey didn’t pay him much mind as he was still headed for the direction of a bedroom. The door opened, and, carefully, like a full vase, set atop the sheets “Well, thank you” said Humphrey, and

now that he faced Thomas, he could see that the man had that bewildered, manic look in his eyes again

“You’re welcome” he said, and then added “I say”³.

Humphrey raised his brows again but was left to wonder alone as Thomas turned and left the room, shutting the door behind him

Alison was getting ready for her reunion, curling iron in one hand and the other in her hair, trying to catch a glimpse of the back of her head through the mirror. Music was blasting from her phone (her generic feel-good playlist) which could explain why she didn’t hear Thomas come in, only noticing his presence when he shouted: “I am in love!”

“Jesus-” she flinched, burning her neck with the iron, causing her to follow up with a: "Christ! Thomas, what on earth-”

“I am in love- nay, it can’t be. Have I really missed it all this time, have I truly been so blind, for centuries too? Or... Is my heart deceiving me, is it beating fast to play a cruel trick? Is it aching to take me as fool? No. What I feel is real and... and.. Oh, my muse, my cupid, I thank you” he turned to face a very confused Alison, who was now rubbing the hurt spot of skin

“We could have never been, you and me. No matter how great the longing or passion, how much you yearned for me, and I for you.. And yet, yet, through the hand of fate, you have brought me to my... My soulmate, I say!”

“...Your soulmate” she spoke slowly “Who...?”

“Humphrey” Thomas said, and it sounded more like a sigh. He didn’t even notice Alisons eyes going comically big as he went on “Oh, how can it be? A hundred years together, longer than that, and in such small proximity, too. Everyday I saw him, and still... Not until a mere week ago I saw what was right in front of me!”

“Right. You're... In love with... Humphrey” Alison said, very slowly “and..” she seemed to think “You figured this out how?”

“I... You see, on the night of the Moonah Sto- the moon stone ritual, Robin was rather dejected after we decided to watch Friends instead. So, I, empathic as I am, decided to search for him, console him”

“Riiight” said Alison, and Thomas, who didn’t hear the sarcasm in her voice, nodded with a bright smile

“I did what I could, truly. I told him I understood him, I told him how I had felt it myself a thousand times before! I tried making him see the logic in it all, that one night couldn’t possibly determine anything, I.. Truly, I even apologized. But I couldn’t seem to make him listen; he remained just as sad as when I had found him. But Humphrey, oh, he managed to calm him with such ease. He had even deduced the relationship between Robin and Julian and that-”

“Wait, wait. Robin and Julian are in a relationship?” Alison interrupted, waving her hand “Yes” answered Thomas, as if it was a second thought “You’ve not noticed, as did I. But Humphrey did, the marvellous-”

“It’s... Well, it makes sense, I suppose... Oh god” she pulled a face “That’s those ... I’m gonna be sick”

“Anyways” Thomas said “Humphrey had noticed. And he said such.. Poetry dripped of his every word. And he managed to soothe poor Robin, and he even said something right out of a song I adore, without ever listening to it at all – and I, the fool, I was so startled I could hardly react, could hardly believe my blindness. So then, after days had passed and still, I couldn’t shake the feeling, I went to see him again, to... Check, if it was a trick of my senses, and he... How had I not noticed before? He was perfect, Alison” he rambled, a wide smile across his face, Eyes glinting.

Alison found it a bit creepy and a bigger bit strange, and, somehow, also adorable.

“Finally, do you remember how he was whole, and then that dastardly bird knocked his head right off him? I picked it- him up afterwards, carried him inside, and again we spoke, and again he was.. Oh, now I am sure, I have found him. Oh, how my heart burns, nay, soars, how my loins-”

“Okay, okay” Alison hurriedly butted in “So.. You like Humphrey. Huh.” she leaned back, looking at the man for a moment. It was still hard to picture it, and her brain probably hadn’t processed half of it yet, but somehow... “I’m so happy for you Thomas. You seem like you really love him.” she said (by which she meant: I’m glad you’re not running after ME anymore)

“I am” smiled Thomas, sitting down on the bed, facing the small vanity at which Alison sat, curling iron and reunion long forgotten.

“So... What do you do now?” she asked, crossing her arms as she leaned back

“What exactly do you mean?” Thomas furrowed his brows

“Well... Do you want to tell him? If so, how?” she turned back to her vanity, reaching for her bag, and zipping it open “Or you want to woo him?”

“Woo him?”

“Like... Swoop him off his feet. Court him, is the old timely version?” She explained as she opened her mascara, began applying the product, thus not seeing Thomas’ face as she was looking in the mirror

“I... I suppose I will. Yes, I must. Oh, thank you again, my cupid. My angel of love, through refusing our own chemistry leading me the way to true love” he stood up with a start, walking to the door while still facing Alison “I shall make a plan. Get to know him, establish a... a bond. Yes, he deserves...” he trailed off as he left the room

Alison sat in silence for a while, moving on to search for her lipstick.

“Mike” she shouted towards the bathroom “Thomas’ finally over me. Oh, and I found out whose causing those weird noises at night”

...
Over the course of the next days, Thomas seemed to take a strange interest in Humphrey, almost obsessing over him. He was used to being left in odd corners, wherever he had fallen off his body or wherever he was left by whoever had carried him there. It was annoying, of course, and he didn’t ever really become accustomed to it, but.. It had been this way for so long; it was weird to see it change so quickly, and for seemingly no reason.

He was being carried around. He was being talked to, and not just that, he was being listened to. Thomas recited him poems, long ones, and romantic ones. Maybe the other man had found that Humphrey couldn’t really walk away as the others had done, and as such chosen him as a sort of.. Victim? If that was the case, he could almost be sympathetic to the notion of being ignored. But he knew that couldn’t be it.

No, Thomas asked him questions. He nodded when he got Humphrey to talk about his opinions, his advice. Hell, his stupid senseless comments. He laughed at them. One time, Humphrey had made some remark about Fanny under his breath, and Thomas had laughed out loud. He didn’t laugh quite as much when he had to explain himself to Fanny afterwards.

So, now, Humphreys' running theory was that he was some kind of.. Test. Maybe for poetry? Maybe some kind of bet? Or most likely, something to do with Alison. That would make the most sense, since the other man had begun acting like he usually did around her. Maybe he wanted to test what would work to woo her, or something.

“What are you thinking about so hard?” Asked Thomas, popping his head in through the library door. Humphrey darted his eyes as far left as he could, saying “Nothing much. Did you find her?”

“Oh, yes” nodded Thomas enthusiastically “I’m sorry again for having to leave you here, but..” he finally entered the room, facing where Humphrey lay (or stood? He was upright for once) on the small table next to it. “..I brought back a surprise”

Humphrey furrowed his brows, about to ask him what on earth he was talking about, when Thomas reached to the corridor, and pulled in.. Him. Or, his body. The belonging head widened his eyes in surprise, then opened his mouth “Wow, uhm, thank you” Thomas stepped over, lifting him off the table “Really. I know he can be a...”

“bit elusive” said Thomas at the same time as Humphrey said “sneaky bastard”

Thomas just smiled and put a whole Humphrey Bone back together “Oh, you praise too highly, generous as you are. It was not as difficult as one might think... I just needed a few witness reports on his whereabouts and Robin spotted him stumbling about in the woods after he’d bumped into Fanny, and she had made quite a fuzz so..”

Humphrey adjusted himself, reaching up to touch his neck. For a moment, both of them were silent, until Humphrey said:

“never really noticed you were taller than me” ⁴. he chuckled, then added “Uhm.. Thanks again. Don’t think it’s gonna last long, but..”

“No need, no need, t’was my pleasure, if I get to see you for it” he flashed him a smile “Would you like to join what-would-I wear-today club now?”

...
Thomas re-attached his head three more times the next week. It seemed to become a habit - one that Humphrey was cautious to get used to – he thought it better to keep thinking of it as something unusual, in case it stopped happening.

Right now, Robin was talking about something or other to him. He and Humphrey were sitting on the grass outside the house – actually sitting. Not lying on his ear on the ground.

“Was empty long time, think went bit mad. Then new men come, and say new law, all king now “Stuart” make sense, better name, and...” As Robin went on, Humphrey listened intently. It was rare that someone spent their time actively talking with him, but it had happened more and more since he was one whole Humphrey Bone. Robin especially – the two of them had been close once, after all. Being the only two ghosts for a century would do that. And since he’d cheered him up in the library, the other man seemed interested in their friendship again, and was currently recounting a few thousand years of history

“..And then outside kitchen burn, now only inside. Is okay, but not much food. Bad when Henry come visit, cause he want 3 and 2 meal!”

“I certainly remember how it smelt after that” murmured Humphrey, earning himself a laugh from Robin. And from someone else.

“Good joke, truly, marvellous” said Thomas when he had caught his breath “Mind if I join you, gentlemen?” “Actuall-” he was cut off when Thomas sat down between the two of them. The normal and respectful distance between Robin was now reduced by the man squeezed between them, their thighs almost touching “What were you talking about?

“Oh, jus-” “Nothin” said Robin. Great. Back to being interrupted again. Humphrey sighed.

“Ah come on, you were clearly just in the midst of laughter- a cheerful story, I presume?” Thomas smiled, eyebrow quirked, and Robin looked like he would murder him if he wasn’t dead already

“No story. Least not you” he grumbled

“I- I just heard you speak!”

“No, you not”

“I must certainly did. Did you fight with Julian again or what’s got you so grumpy?” Thomas asked and Humphrey could basically feel Robins mood turn sour. “Oh boy” he muttered under his breath, just before Robin growled

“I leave, if you keep talking”

“Well” Thomas said, turning his head to look Humphrey in the eye “More of you for me then, I shan’t pretend I would be too sad. After all, Robin doesn’t seem to be in a very good mood, eh?” And Humphrey would have liked to say “Wonder why” or “I was having a good time with a friend until you came along” or ”what are you even doing here” but instead he said nothing, and neither did Robin.

Thomas let out a sigh, looking over the grounds “It truly is a marvelous day, is it not? The green grass, and the trees, and oh, how blue the sky seems to be.”

“Sky often blue, if you not notice” Robin grumbled, and Humphreys lip twitched up into a smile

“It’s a phrase, Robin” said Thomas, but then seemed to remember something, adding “I just meant to say, it’s a rather clear day. You can see the moon in the sky already!”

At that, Robin lifted his head up, pointing into the air “You right, is Moonah!”

“It really is. Hard to believe we really did send men there already”

At that, Humphrey and Robin turned around to him in unison “you lying” Robin said “Men on moon?”

“How would they even get there? Build a ladder?” Humphrey added, and Thomas shook his head “No. An airplane, but for space. A big, heavy machine, fuelled by fire and made of metal. One small step for a human, but a giant leap for humanity”

At Robin’s doubtful face, he added “Go ask Alison if you don’t believe me. She’s got a whole movie about it which she showed me ere-yesterday. You can see the very craters of the moon, even” he had hardly finished the sentence before Robin had stood up, running back to the house

Humphrey looked after him, then got up himself. Thomas withdrew his already extended hands, saying with a chuckle “Sometimes I seem to forget that I need not pick you up anymore”

“yeah, well, I’m not sure I’m entirely used to not getting picked up, either. This one’s been cooperating a suspicious amount lately” Humphrey gestured to, well, himself as the two of them started to walk towards Button house themselves.

“It really was a splendid idea, that with Robin.. eh, after all, I learned from the best” Thomas smiled, giving a dramatic bow to Humphrey, who didn’t really react to it. Thomas was usually this dramatic and this free with his compliments.

“The way you manage to soothe people, understand them... And with such ease, too. It truly is.. Charming" he said

“And to think I used to leave you behind as all the others did.. Nay, Fifteen minutes with you - oh I wouldn't say no.
people see no worth in you, oh but I do” ⁵.

Humphrey shot him a confused look, because he couldn’t quite tell if that was meant to be a compliment or an insult – and what exactly did he mean by “People see no worth in you?”

But he didn’t say anything, and they went in silence, until they were almost inside “great catch with that trip to the moon, by the way. And good luck he did believe it”

“Oh, no, that really did happen”

It really was only a matter of time. Humphrey still hadn’t figured out what on earth Thomas was getting at by hanging around him so much all of a sudden, but he had. Not just for a week or two, no, for a good month now. He did suppose that wasn’t very much in the face of, well, eternity, but it was longer than he had expected, especially for a test or a bet like this.

Thomas had been asking his favourite colour. He had asked about his family- of which he hadn’t thought or at least talked about in decades if not a century now. He even knew his middle name, and who did that?

He had tried to steer Thomas in the right direction at first- while he may tolerate strange compliments, was amused by (or even enjoyed) being recited some of Thomas’ poems or being interviewed about his whole life... he could hardly imagine Alison would feel the same. He had tried asking little questions in return, something like: “I like it, might a bit long for a lady though”, but it didn’t seem to work. And since he couldn’t quite figure out what was going on anyways, he just.. went along with it and enjoyed the company while he had it.

But really, it had been a matter of time. Until one day, he found himself in a circle with the others- an interviewer had come to the grounds, to film some kind of series. About him. Or, what they thought had been him. And, of course, he was right there when all the others heard his name and, suddenly, all eyes were on him, where he sat on the sofa, next to Thomas. He really was unused to such attention. Thomas, sure, he could get used to with some time, but all of them, looking at him?

Fanny asked “A catholic plot? On our grounds?”

“A hero!” Gasped kitty “I’d never thought- Humphrey!”

It was more than weird, and Humphrey didn’t really know where to look, because, well, everybody in the room was staring at him in disbelief. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, and then made the grave mistake to look to his left, to Thomas

Carefully, as if afraid to scare him away, Thomas asked “How did  you die, Humphrey? You don’t have to say, if you don’t wish, of course” he added, quickly “but you.. I think we all are rather interested”

“Well..” he started, looking into the round. They did look interested enough- and so he took a breath, and he started. He didn’t start with the beginning, with his father or his mother or anything like that, he started on that day in the kitchen, where, he supposed, it all began, or, the end began.

He told them about Sophie, and how she only spoke French. About her book club. About how it wasn’t a book club after all- he was interrupted by Pat making jokes around here, until he was shushed by Captain and Thomas.

Clearing his voice, he went on. How he had found the letter one evening, and how not even a minute after he’d even processed the whole thing, the guards had found them out , and how they had come, and pounded on the door, and how he had told her it wasn’t supposed to be like this., And how he still had told Sophie to go, to run, and she did, and he, well..

..

When he looked up, it was silent. Alison had that look in her face again, the one where she realized that they were really ghosts and really dead. Or that they hadn’t always been dead, maybe.

Fanny looked nothing less than shocked, and Kitty.. Kitty looked close to tears.

The first person that moved was the captain, lifting his hand up to salute him, before slowly getting up, leaving the room.
Pat followed suit, before the others began whispering their admiration, until only Robin was there, looking at him for a long moment, then going, too.

Thomas still sat next to him. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t look up. Maybe because he still hadn’t told the full truth? Maybe because he didn’t..

“You are brave, Humphrey Bone” said Thomas “you are a..” he was about to say something, then seemed to change his mind “Noble. You.. I was wrong about you. You don’t just.. speak poetry, untwine the most tangled emotions, you aren’t simply charming.”

He paused

“You are good .” He said it as if it something profound. And somehow it was, even more so than any poem about the sun or someone’s eyes, even if it wasn’t the full truth, it made Humphrey’s breath hitch.

“Thank you” he said, and he meant it. And he looked up.

A moment long, there was silence, until Humphrey moved to get up. Thomas followed suit, but, before they could leave the room, he stopped him by placing his hand on Humphrey’s upper back.
“I.. your wife?”

“Sophie”

“Sophie” he repeated, paused, eyes flicking over his face “did you love her?”

Taken aback, Humphrey thought for a second, before replying “No”

and he wanted to add that he would have wanted to marry someone who he loved ,that he wished he would have, that he was trying to, when Thomas leaned, eyes trailing over his face, breath ghosting over his skin, making his eyes flutter with the proximity.

He lingered.

“Good”

And then he left the room.

It was pitch black by the time they settled on the floor, arranged with their heads in the middle like a big sleepover. It had been a proper camping trip, alright – Tent building, lighting a fire and drinking tea. Ghost stories and sleeping bags, the whole package, Humprey supposed. Not that he’d ever actually done it before – but it had been fun. Not only the experience (which he probably would have enjoyed if he had done it in his life. When he could actually light a fire or build a tent. Or.. Do most things, really)

But even more so, it had been fun to be included like this. To listen to Pat’s holiday stories and watch the Captain so invested in this scouting business. To spy on Mike with the two of them, laughing as he stumbled over his own ropes. To listen to Thomas’ attempts to convince them he had a great time travelling through Europe,

“Venice?” “Eh, t’was..nice” “Vienna?” “Just... Nice" “Berlin?” “Also very...very... nice” -or to hear Julian and Robin’s attempts to convince them they weren’t scared of the dark. And then to watch them run off at Mary’s arrival. (To be honest, he had screamed, too. Not that anyone noticed (he hoped).)

And now, he was lying by his side, looking up at the sky. One disadvantage of being beheaded was that he could only lie in very awkward positions without his head rolling away, so he was on his side, one arm beneath his temple to keep his neck at the same height. If he had blood, circulation would probably have been cut off by now. He closed his eyes as Pat began talking again, telling the same story twice.

Faintly, he heard Alison’s sleeping bag rustle, but he was to sleepy to care, and he didn’t want to risk moving. “..The door creaked open.. Slowly..." Pat whispered, and Humphrey raised his free arm up to his chest, stifling a yawn “..And there it was...”

He was already half-asleep, listening to the story, when he heard a voice rumble against him from behind. Somewhere in the back of his brain, something murmured that voices weren’t supposed to be felt, and he blinked his eyes back open, realizing that Thomas (who had been laying beside him), had turned over, breath ghosting (ha) against the back of his neck.

“..What?” he asked, drowsy, and he felt a gust of air at Thomas’ chuckle “I was just saying that the story really does become quite.. Boring at the second listen. I mean,” he whispered “,the exact same words! Makes it even less believable, doesn’t it?”

“Hmm, I remember your expression the first time though” Humphrey mumbled, amused, causing Thomas to let out a slight stutter. Humphrey let out a tired half-giggle, half-breath, before the other man caught himself “Oh, please. It was a bit goosepimply. But you looked just as petrified, I’ll have you know!”

How the man still used expressions like this at this time in the night, he’d never know. All he managed was a: “Well it was a bit creepy”

It was quiet after that, and his drowsy attention drifted back to Pat’s voice, still telling the story. It really was quite late. And his eyelids really were quite heavy.. "..until she could finally see..”

“Don’t worry, I’d protect you” whispered Thomas, a hand brushing over his waist.

He wasn’t very sleepy after that.

“Humphrey”- he barely heard the warning before colliding with the other man.

He'd been sneaking around the house, trying to spy on Lucy, together with the Captain. He'd found out that the other man was pretty pleasant company against his initial expectations. At first, he’d thought the man was a bit of a control freak, both with how strict he was with his time and with how he seemed to sometimes forget the war was in fact over and the rest of them weren’t soldiers at all, but.. He was rather sweet, underneath. He seen that part once he learned he still felt bad about a seagull he’d shot sixty years ago

Also, a little spying mission would've been a good time with even the worst company, really. It'd been some time since he’d done anything so fun. They’d made a plan, splitting up into two teams (which made sense since they were two people,) As one was to look for Lucy, to observe her behaviour and look for any slip-ups, while the other would look through her room or her bags or, well, something like that.

When they had parted Humphrey looked after the Captain, who was carefully crouching as if he had forgotten they were ghosts who could walk through walls and make as much sound as they liked. It was a bit endearing.

And then, after he had arrived at Lucy’s room, he had forgotten that he was a ghost who would just grab through the bag instead of opening it or looking through it for that matter. So, a little disappointed and more than a little amused with himself, he’d turned to leave the room and look for the Captain to tell him of their miscalculation and to exchange possible information.

Not that he had any.

That was when someone had walked into him, or him into them, and before he knew it, their hand was on the back of his neck, keeping is knocked-off head from falling to the floor. Thomas.

“Careful” he said, sounding amused. As he put his head back in its place, he asked “Are you alright?”

I, ah..” Humphrey trailed off, noticing their proximity. And the fact Thomas' hand was till against the back of his neck. And the fact that they hadn’t really talked since yesterday, since the camping trip.

“Yeah” he managed. Thomas lip quirked into a smile “Alright. You gathered any useful information?”

Humphrey blinked, and Thomas began speaking again

“I was looking for you, having been told you were last seen conversing with the captain. Then I happened to find the man hiding behind a closet, listening to Lucy’s conversation. I asked what he was doing, and so, I came here” He added at Humphrey’s dumbstruck look, misinterpreting the malfunction of his brain for surprise.

“So, found anything?”

“I.. No" Humphrey coughed, clearing his throat. He finally managed to remember he was the one in charge of his body and pulled his hands away from Thomas’ shoulders.

“Hm.” hummed Thomas, and, upon spotting the Captain approaching up the stairs, added “Well, good luck then” with a smile, leaving Humphrey with still-shaky legs and a lot of confusion - It wasn’t fair; it really wasn’t.

It also didn’t make any sense, which was maybe, probably even more frustrating – Thomas was cheesy. He was dramatic and over-the-top and a bit of an egomaniac, too. And still, some part of Humphrey had seemingly decided to.. To.. Well, he didn’t know. All he knew was that somehow, when Thomas had put his hand there, and said that, so close to him, his brain had stuttered and then stopped altogether, and he had been left.. Stupid, for the lack of a better word.

And the bastard knew it.

Thomas had been more than careful for the last few weeks, or what now was almost two months. It certainly felt like an eternity – Ever since he had spoken to dear Alison, decided to, what was it? “Woo” Humphrey, he’d been careful. He had followed what little he remembered of the rules to a tee: At first one was to get acquainted, make polite conversation. Maybe walk the lady- or the man- or the head, he supposed, back to his room. He’d carried him instead, but he supposed that was about the same. Second, one brought gifts - as a ghost, he had to get creative, but he felt he’d truly outdone himself; the body was a very good idea. And third, one spent time together - he’d done that more than enough, spending almost every free minute with the other man. And from then on it was just a repeat of those same three steps until you were either reciprocated or denied.

And Humphrey, gorgeous Humphrey?

He had done neither. Hadn’t reciprocated, hadn’t told him off either, he’d just.. Tolerated it. Hadn’t even acknowledged it.. not to blame him for that, it was his god given right, after all, to do whatever he wanted. He was just.. oh, how his heart ached. He never could fall for someone who would possibly fall back, could he?

So, he found himself sat in the library, listening to the smiths “I want the one that I can’t have”- rather fitting, he supposed. Now that he knew Julians secret (which was Robin), it was quite a bit easier to convince him to turn things on for him.

That’s where Kitty spotted him, accompanied by the Captain - on the sofa, sprawled out, and sighing. Or- the two of them were walking past when the captain caught a glimpse, went on.. And turned his head upon processing the scene.

“Well what the Bally hell do you think you’re playing at?” Asked the other man “we have food at 6, and it’s a quarter to!”

“How can I even think of food when my heart is so full of him? How could something else have space at all in my mind, when my very thought is of him and him alone?” He asked, turning his head to face the pair

Kitty and the Captain shared a look before he asked: “..Alison? That’s hardly news now-“

“Humphrey” said Kitty and Thomas at the same time
“Have you not noticed?” Thomas sighed “I scarcely believe it- with how I act around him, or how I seem to forget to act, with how I seek him out. I can’t help it, I need to see him, his face, the radiance of his smile, his.. to hear his voice, his laugh. What privilege it is to see the light catch in his hair, just before sunset..” he sighed again, longer

“..Well then, why are you moping around here?” Asked Kitty, ignoring a completely baffled-looking Captain

“I don’t want to be a burden” he replied “I’ve courted him for weeks now, have I not? And yet, he has made himself clear. He hasn’t reciprocated, not once - I want the one that I can’t have and it’s driving me mad. Oh! It’s written all over my face ⁶...To stay quiet is just the polite, perfectly nice thing to do. And believe me, I’ve learned my lesson: I will not drive him away from me with my foolish, foolish heart, he is far too important to lose”

“Uhm” made Kitty, looking confused and also quite a bit concerned “..he is clearly in love with you”

“No, he is not” chuckled Thomas “Trust me, he..”

“You bumped into each other a few days ago, and he was stammering and blushing, which ... I didn’t even know ghosts could do that. And a few days before that, you took his hand to pull him from being ran into, and he didn’t say anything for like, a full five minutes” she giggled “it was sooo romantic. Oh, and before that- during the camping trip, you fell asleep, but he didn’t. I don’t think he moved all night, he was so nervous” Kitty exclaimed, and, while she talked, Thomas’ face had grown more and more taken with realization, startled.

“I.. you’re ... you’re right. Are you right?” He got up, looking at her “You’re sure? I won’t.. I wouldn’t.. ?”

Kitty shook her head, and said, with an almost amused tone “I’m sure. Ask anyone, really. Even Robin’s fed up with your “love birding””

“I..” Thomas paused, taking it in.

It was rather easy to convince him, since he was, well, Thomas, but still. It was good to know he wasn’t delusional or blinded by love, and now that he thought about it.. Humphrey did seem to enjoy his company. He had stuttered, cheeks going rosy, at Thomas’ touch. Hadn’t he?

His breath had hitched, the softest, quietest noise, when Thomas’ hand had brushed over his waist that day beneath the stars. It was drowned out by Pat’s story, by the rustling of leaves and the noises of the forest, but.. It had been there.

“Thank you, Kitty. Truly, thank you” Thomas said, voice as oif bewildered. He got up, paused a second- as if wanting to add something, before he turned to walk out, leaving the two other ghosts inside. The clock ticked on, and, for a moment, it was silent.

“Now, you look surprised. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it!”

The captain opened his mouth, closed it, seeming to wrangle with himself
“I.. I mean, they’re two men!”

“Pfff” Kitty made “come on, we’re not in the Middle Ages anymore!”

Unaware of the conversation taking place a few rooms away from him, Humphrey was standing in the kitchen, right by the stove, facing the window opposite it. Usually, he didn’t like going in there, since all the packages and the smell and the discarded food sometimes left around just reminded him of the fact he couldn’t eat.

But right now? He’d wanted some time alone. While he was more than glad to be reunited with the rest of.. Well, him and thus spend much more time with the other ghosts whenever he wanted to, (or even when he didn’t want to), it could get a bit overwhelming. Especially when the others weren’t caught up in some thing or another and had to entertain themselves for once, as it had been right now. Most of the time the “entertainment” turned to fights instead.

So, as soon as Julian and Pat had started arguing about whether the north or south of England was better, he’d made his retreat here. It was the most peaceful room of the house, ghost wise, after all, because most of the others shared his dislike of being slapped in the face with their own disabilities.

He was looking out the window from afar, towards the grounds, where Mary wandered between the trees, head turned to the ground for whatever reason. Her head was tilted downwards, as if she was looking for something. For a second he wondered if she’d lost something, but, well, that could hardly be the case, could it? No door creaked when Thomas walked, but he heard steps and truly, who else would it be? “Mary’s off again, counting something. You have any idea what she’s doing?” he asked, not turning to face the other man

He didn’t realize that Thomas hadn’t followed his gaze outside, not even glancing in that direction, eyes instead on him. “No” he replied, then added “She did say something about frogs telling the weather though” as he spoke, he walked to the window, too, looking over Humphrey’s shoulder

“Did she now” deadpanned Humphrey. One would think that after all that time with that woman, all those endless afternoons of her talking about every possible old wife’s tale there was to try and relief some boredom, he would’ve known that. Thinking of it, it did sound like something that she could’ve also picked up from those questionable channels she liked to watch nowadays, which called the validity of the statement even more into question.. Although, blinking up at the sky, there were a few grey clouds. Curious, as he hadn’t really noticed them before.. Maybe she-

His brain screeched to a halt, and he was glad he hadn’t spoken because that probably would’ve stopped to.

Thomas’s hand was on his waist, resting just above his hip. His chest was touching his back, and he felt breath against the side of his head as he spoke, looking out into the field. And that damn thumb stroked over his skin, drawing circles over his coat, seemingly determined to make it impossible to focus.

“..really a most marvellous song..” Thomas’s voice was far-away, and Humphrey was sure he did it entirely on purpose. Why on earth could he even do that? Make his side buzzing jelly, nerves tingling as if charged with static. Make him stutter, and so goddamn stupid, usual wit deciding to sit this one out every time the other man decided to be... what, nice? Touchy? Funny?

And sure, it had been a long time since someone had touched him, held him in a way that was other to his head being carried around (or used as a football). An even longer time since such touches had been gentle. But there was something about Thomas that made it so, so much worse..

“..you think?” Thomas asked, eyes regarding him from somewhere to the left of his temple

“Hm?” he managed to get out, cursing himself and Thomas and the whole situation

The other man let out a soft chuckle, and then, in a tone far too amused, repeated himself “I was asking you for your thoughts about my newest favourite song”

“Ah, yeah. Good” said Humphrey, too caught up in saying coherent words to be mad at himself, or Thomas, for a bit.

Too caught up to see Thomas’ expression changing from curiosity to success.

Too caught up in his own thoughts. Because, really, what the hell even was even going on?

Why couldn’t he be mad?

This was clearly a joke. A big, funny joke, to Thomas. He could see it in the twinkle in his eyes or the amusement in his voice when he spoke, just as he had done right now. In the fact he spoke to the Alison in the same way, and so very different at once - he had said the same cheesy lines to her he now said to him. He called her “lovely” and “beautiful”, and, well, you wouldn’t really do that in front of someone you were serious about, would you?

And that was the whole other thing. He told her he was serious. He told her he loved her, more than once, and frankly, to the point of wearing the phrase out. He made sure everyone knew and.. well, all he did now, with him, was tease and touch and..

Why couldn’t he be mad?

At the way Thomas still spoke, voice soft, each word seeming to vibrate though him from where his chest touched his back. At the way his thumb drew little patterns over his waist.

At the way this was a test, probably.
Or just something to pass the time.

“What are you thinking about so hard, hm?” Asked Thomas, and Humphrey swallowed “Nothing” he replied, causing Thomas to quirk a brow in obvious disbelief

He leaned in, voice dropping a bit “Do I distract you, Humphrey?” he teased, and Humphrey wanted to punch him or at least say something smart back.

Instead, something in him short-circuited and he just dumbly said, voice shaky and throat dry: “No”

Thomas was about to reply, mouth opening, when the door did creak open and Alison walked in. In an instant, the hand lowered itself to his side again and Thomas took a step back.

And now Humphrey could be mad, at himself. At the way his heart clenched somewhere deep inside.

“Ah, Alison, I was just..”
Thomas voice faded as he followed her to the next room, leaving Humphrey alone in the kitchen.

...
Humphrey was pretty sure he was an object to most people.

He recalled, more than once, people calling his head “it”, back when he was, well, separated, for the lack of a better word. He was used as a football or a volleyball, as some sort of alarm, even. And when he didn’t have a use, he was left lying around – and sure, maybe he was being a bit dramatic, but not so much that it made the general sentiment untrue. He was an object, to most ghosts.

He had thought he wasn’t for Thomas.

At least when the other man had started being nice a few weeks back, had started listening to him. Finding him funny. Finding him interesting. Started paying attention to him, being nice to him.

But it was the only logical conclusion he’d come to.

He’d been sitting in the same spot for hours, thinking – because, well, the situation couldn’t go on like this. It was far too confusing and far to embarrassing, and, well, he didn’t have a clue what the situation even was, or, why it even was. And if being left in the same place for hours on end had one advantage, it was that it had made him a damn good thinker. There sometimes imply wasn’t anything else to do.

And now, he had three possibilities:

One, that it was a bet. Thomas had, for whatever reason, made a bet with someone to woo Humphrey. Probably with Julian, or maybe Robin. He’d scraped this idea pretty early on, though, because: What would they even bet on (they were ghosts after all), and why would they even bet on that of all things?

Two, that it was a test. He’d thought that for the first few weeks – that Thomas was using him as a first trial, before doing the same things with Alison. Saying cheesy lines and quoting lyrics to him (He knew of the smiths, thank you very much), and then regarding his reaction with curiosity, as if he was trying to gage how someone would react to it. That one was still a possibility, and not an unlikely one. But Humphrey thought the third one made the most sense by far.

Three, that it was something to pass the time. That Thomas was just... bored. You couldn’t do many new things as a ghost, at some points you’d just talked about everything, learned about everyone. Except for Humphrey. Maybe he’d been genuinely interested, because it was the only thing he didn’t already now. Maybe, more sinisterly, he’d just thought Humphrey would be the easiest to go along with the bit. But he didn’t like to think the second bit, he didn’t think Thomas was truly.. Well, mean. He probably just didn’t see Humphrey as a person.

As did most.

I mean, he’d ignored him for centuries. If there was something real there, one would think he’d mentioned it sometime, no?

“... Are you done?”

Asked Julian.

“I suppose so” sighed Humphrey

“Wow”

“You tell me. I’ve just told all my troubles to some pantless politician. What does that say about me?”

“Says you have a preeetty low self esteem.” replied Julian adjusting his tie “or-” he tilted his head, voice like when he thought he’d just made a good chest move against Robin “You like him”

“Pfff. Do not” said Humphrey, for the first time wishing he was a lone head again, having the advantage of not having to decide whether to make eye contact or not. Now he was purposefully avoiding it.

“Sure sounds a lot like it” snickered Julian “Well, honey, that’s just how it is in life, sometimes. You know, I used to have this hooker-”

“Oh god”

“-and she always had that look in her eyes when we met. And one day, I just had to say to her “Baby, you’re amazing, and the sex is amazing, but that’s just it!””

“So, I’m a hooker now?”

“Yes. Well, no. But sometimes.. Romance doesn’t mean Romance, eh?”

Humphrey was silent for a moment, then started “How was it when you and Robin-”

“What?” The other man interrupted

“When you an-”

“What? Afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about” he said, and Humphrey suddenly felt a lot like he was sitting in a courtroom. Or maybe holding out a microphone.

“Listen. All I’m saying is.. If he wants to have fun, what’s the harm in that? And if you want more and he doesn’t.. Well” Julian shrugged “Captain would say to talk about it, but then again he’s been in the closet for eighty years”

“Hm” made Humphrey, gaze still focused in the same direction.

Wasn’t feeling like this supposed to be Thomas’s part?

...
Humphrey did, in fact, not talk about it.

He opted for avoidance instead – as well as one could, in his situation (The situation being him being dead and thus stuck with the other man forever. In the same house. With the threat of his head falling off, leaving him laying someplace or another, always looming over him.)

To the surprise of no one, it didn’t work very well.

“Julian, Robin, you do your bests to not get into trouble. Pat, Mary, with me. And, most important” the Captain did a dramatic pause, gaze scanning the small crowd in front of him “We need to hide Fanny. Thomas, Humphrey, you two will take her somewhere and make sure she stays there. Any questions?” four people raised their hands “Good. On with it then” he nodded, leaving the room in a set of ham stretches, Pat and Mary following close behind, the latter with apparent confusion in her face.

“Right then” sighed Julian, nodding to Robin, and the two of them walked out the wall, too, just as Fanny got up. “It really is outrageous” she said over her shoulder, to the two men hesitantly followig her, as she made her way to the main stairs “To fake a haunted house. Even more so when you have a real one, I mean, it’s making a mockery of our very existence, is it not? To.. To... Perform cheap tricks, to fool people who have decided to spend their hard earned money, who decide to believe in something for once, and, in the fiasco's inevitable conclusion, to shatter that belief so profoundly...” She shook her head, then paused, in the middle of the staircase and the sentence “Where are we going?”

“Right” said Thomas, from behind Humphrey, taking a step to the left so the three of them could face each other “I was thinking the plague cellar, I mean, no one-”

“Eugh, no- goodness, no. I won’t be sharing a room with those creatures” Fanny grimaced, as well as a Lady could grimace.

"Fair enough” mumbled Humphrey, only to immediately regret it when Thomas’s eyes settled on him instead. The other man cocked his head “Do you have a suggestion? You’re usually so smart, dear”

Where that nickname had come from, he neither knew nor wanted to know. “Erm” he made “the attic? No, prime ghost spot, so prime ghost hunter spot. Closet, maybe? Or that room in the, err, top floor?”

Fanny leaned her head to the side, lips pursed in thought “I do believe that one is empty. And no one in their right mind would go up there.. Except for me, I suppose” she sighed, walking past the two men, back up the stairs, the way they just had come from. Humphrey and Thomas followed suit, and the taller man whispered “Brilliant. Wouldn’t have thought of that one, I admit”

“Ah, not that hard” Humphrey mumbled, knees doing that weird molten-butter thing again. It was strange. He wasn’t exactly mad at Thomas – or, he was, but not.. It was complicated. The simple part was that he was angry at his knees and at butter right now.

It wasn’t too far, just entailed a lot of steps (had it really always been that many?) They’d finally stepped into the room at the end of the corridor– a bedframe without a mattress and an old, dusty wardrobe made out the entirety of its interior design. “Well,” said Fanny “Suppose it’ll have to make do”.

With a breath of acceptance, she sat down on the bed (or the wood), beginning to get herself comfortable on the thing. Seeing Thomas and Humphrey still just standing there, she raised a brow “Are you going to keep standing there, or sleep, or keep guard?” The two of them cleared their throats, and mumbled apologies as they stepped back in front of the door.

It was a long night. This had been exactly what Humphrey had been trying to avoid, and for good reasons, he now realized. He was sitting on the floor, head leaning against the wall, eyes half shut, half asleep. Or: he would be, if Thomas didn’t keep on talking.

“..It really is a most poetic piece – it may seem obvious at first, but if you look a bit deeper, the words actually..”

“Can you please shut up?” grumbled Humphrey, shifting. He practically heard Thomas’s mouth open and shut, but then, to his surprise, silence followed. At least until he heard shuffling behind him, then felt a shoulder under his head. “What are you..?”

“So your head doesn’t fall off” he smiled, and then.. Talked on.

Now, Humphrey was starting to think he’d wrongfully accused his knees. Because he was a tiny bit annoyed at Thomas instead.

It really had been an awful idea, even more so than the usual ones. Whatever had gotten him to agree to it, he didn’t know - and it wasn’t even like he’d had anything to drink, hell, he couldn't even have anything to drink if he’d wanted to. His running theory was that there was some kind of co-drunkenness that made anyone in a drunk person's vicinity act similarly intoxicated, it would certainly explain the behaviour of Pat (dancing) or Kitty (crying) or Robin (doing increasingly stranger and stranger things to impress his boyfriend.)

He didn’t why else he’d agreed to be thrown onto the roof.

And it wasn’t even very interesting. He wasn’t facing the grounds, no, he was looking towards the roof, the under-roof. The part between the facade and the tiles, the one that was dusty and unkept and full of cobwebs, just above the floor that was full of ..pigeon shit and more pigeon shit. Really, amazing how much they produced.

Then, it had been okay for a while again – with Mike being stuck up there with him (even if he couldn’t hear anything (which meant neither one could hear each other)) - and then it had been boring again, with Mike leaving and a pole breaking somewhere downstairs and him not even being there to see it. He’d be mad forever if he’d missed Mike tuning into a ghost.

And now?

It was interesting again. Because someone stepped through the trapdoor to the roof and picked him up. Hands carefully cupping his jaw, cold, soft, finger holding him securely. Carefully. Thomas.

“There you are. So little time and yet I missed your face like the air I breathe” he said, as if he didn’t already know he’d be there (I mean, why else did one go onto the roof?)

“Here I am” sighed Humphrey. Or, Humphrey Bone’s head, once again. “How long have you been up there, poor thing?” asked Thomas, turning the head in his hands, to face him as he walked back into the house “I’m terribly sorry for not finding you sooner, I fell asleep quite early myself”

“Nah, it’s alright” replied Humphrey, trying not to think of the way Thomas’s thumb was stroking over his jawbone “Suppose I needed to return to my natural state for a bit, eh?” he joked (then sighed)

“You did miss the best part of last night, my Charming Man” Thomas smiled, and Humprey faintly recalled being called that before, sometime “Robin and Julian were kissing out in public, quite passionately so, Alison admitted her love for me and Pat and the Captain had a falling out..” he spoke, but Humphrey lost track of the words, still caught up on the second point. She had what? Surely, she couldn't have really...

“So, I of course made my way through the grounds to find... You? Him? Your body?” Thomas raised a brow “As you said, he can be a bit of an elusive bastard” he smiled, looking almost proud of himself, and a few weeks ago, Humphrey would have been happy for his reference to be remembered. Now he was... Annoyed. A bit angry.

“So, uh... You and Alison?” he reminded the other man, who replied, as if it was some light, unimportant comment “Ah, I was flattered, but nothing more. She did say today that she didn’t mean but... You know how women are, after rejection”

“Right” said Humphrey. So, Alison had said something while drunk and dumped Thomas the next day and... Now Thomas was talking as if he’d been the one to dump her. He didn’t know why he was even madder at that.

“I did manage to find your body and told it to stay and wait for us” Thomas went on, seeming to either not hear Humphrey’s sarcasm or having decided to ignore it.

“You.. Told it to stay put? How exactly you reckon that’ll work, he... Me.. That bit doesn’t have ears, mate” replied Humphrey, brows furrowing while Thomas gave him a knowing smile. “Ah, he listens to me. We share a special bond” he added solemnly. “But it isn’t the same without you atop of him. Without you whole, my perfect...” Before Humphrey could process his confusion, let alone voice it, Thomas stepped into the library.

“There you are, dear” he murmured, more to himself, but since he still held the head facing towards him, Humphrey had to resort to looking as far right as he physically could. “What are-”

He was cut off when he was lifted up, and then the base of his neck touched the other base of his neck. His hands reached up, adjusting himself on his shoulders.

“There we are” smiled Thomas “Are you feeling quite alright? I would offer you some water, but I physically can’t” he widened his eyes as if to underline his point

“Err, no... Thanks” Humphrey said absent-mindedly, moving towards the wall already, with Thomas in close pursuit

“Humble as always, my Beatrice” he said. After a pause – probably expecting Humphrey to ask what he meant – he added “I was wondering if you’d like to join the speeches to take place any moment now..” when Humphrey walked on, towards the room he called his own now (ever since he was mostly whole, Alison saw it fit for him to have a place to sleep), Thomas hastily added “Or a walk through the garden? I hear the blossoms are truly... blooming, this time of-”

“If you’d mind” said Humphrey, exasperated “I’d like some privacy for now” and with that, he stopped through his door, leaving a dumbfounded Thomas on the other side.

...
“You still mad at boyfriend?” asked Robin.

Humphrey, who had been sitting by the window, enjoying a quiet morning with his chin resting atop his folded hands, jerked his head so suddenly to the right that he nearly threw it off. “I- what?”

“Asked if you still mad at boyfriend. Because you moping around all day” he sounded like he was trying very hard not to seem interested or concerned or- frankly, Thomas didn’t really care. Because of what on earth the caveman had just said, no, how he had said it. Casual, trying not to pry, far too... real. With a start, he realized this wasn’t some joke, no, he was being serious.

“My boyfriend?” Humphrey brought out, and Robin shrugged “Thomas say you cross with him and he don’t know why. Figure fight, Alison?”

“I- he told you that? That I..” that he was jealous? That he was bothered by Alison, that he- that he was his boyfriend?

“No, but, mean, figured” replied Robin, but Humphrey wasn’t listening anymore.

Oh, Oh he did not.

He had been pretty certain that this was a test or trial, maybe something to pass the time, or even a joke at worst, but something to talk about with Robin, laugh about, make fun of him and his apparent, invented, completely fictional jealousy? No, he hadn't expected that.

Humphrey decided to make use of the fact he had legs for once, and got up, basically storming out of the room, ignoring Robin’s startled questions following him.

He could practically picture it: Thomas sitting on his usual chair, legs crossed over another, suggesting he did have something interesting to share. Saying how Alison had professed her love to him, and he rejected – as if – and that he had told dear, foolish Humphrey, and he, he had been so upset by it, he was still sad. And Thomas would do a little smile and wave away the stunned comments and praise with feigned humility. Because, in the grand scheme of things, Humphrey was a thing, wasn’t he? Something he’d paid no mind to for the last few centuries, so really, why change now? When he could be used as plot device instead. He had picked him up where he’d found him, entertained himself for some time and then left him laying around again.

He stomach was in knots, and he felt hot, red anger in his cheeks and in his chest and in his hands, which were shaking. It was strange, he’d almost forgotten how strong emotions could be with a whole body.
“What on earth did you do?” he asked when he stepped into Thomas’ room, jerking the man up from whatever he’d been doing “Ah, Humph-” “What on earth did you do? And why? To make yourself feel better, to.. I’m a person, you know?” he brought out, all those careful, sharp, sniping words a bundle of helpless feelings tumbling out of his mouth and crashing into a tangled mess on the floor.

“My darling, what’s-” Thomas took a step forwards, but Humphrey’s feet moved backwards, on their own. His legs tingled, and his breath was fast as he continued “Did you honestly think I would just do nothing? That.. What, you- because you can’t. You can’t, you-” he was cut off by a hand on his cheek

“Darling” repeated Thomas, eyes bewildered and concerned and amused and oh, if that didn’t make it so much worse “There’s nothing to be mad about, I turned her down” he smiled, and Humphrey shook his head, eyebrows drawn together in annoyed confusion “That’s not-”

And Thomas stepped closer, and he wrapped one arm around Humphrey’s waist, solid and warm and pulling him closer, the other hand still on his cheek, and then.. And then Humphrey’s eyes fluttered shut, and he didn’t think at all anymore.

Because Thomas was kissing him.

He had just barely stilled his hands on Thomas’s chest when the other pulled back with a smile, noses brushing against each other “There is nothing to be mad about. I told her that. I did choose you, my Beatrice”

Humphrey could only blink, breath hitching as soft lips touched his cheek, and pulled away, and-

Suddenly, he stood alone in the room, and his knees were molten butter again.

"What are you.. Are you hiding?” the Captain looked more than confused when he spotted Humphrey crouched in the closet

“Shush” the other man made “Yeah, I am. Only bloody privacy you can get in this place” he grumbled, adjusting his position for the one – hundredth time since he’d gotten in there.

“Well, I-” the Captains eyes darted through the room, and then, he squeezed himself in opposite of Humphrey, their knees against each other due to the claustrophobic nature of the place “Is something afoot?” he whispered, leaning in conspiratorially “I’m afoot, apparently. Or Thomas is” Humphrey sighed, resting head against the corner of the wardrobe, only to shift again when that was, un-surprisingly, uncomfortable as well.

The older (or younger?) man furrowed his brows, laying his swagger stick in front of his knees, hands till holding the ends. “He kissed me” explained Humphrey, which caused the Captain to stutter, eyes darting around as if unsure where to look at “He- ah.. Good lord..”

“S why I’m here. If I go out there he might.. Do it again”

If the captain looked confused before, now his face was nothing short of dumbfounded. “Not- not forcibly” Humphrey interjected “That’s the problem. I.. I’m not very good at explaining this, am I?”

“Err” made the captain, taking a few seconds to gather his wits “Well, I say, this calls for a debriefing. Hrm” he cleared his throat “Present: Humphrey Bone and Captain- you do know what a debriefing is? Good” he said at the other mans nod “Speaking:... You don’t have a military title, do you?”

“Not that I know of”

“Right. Speaking: Mr-”

“Although I was a Lord”

“Speaking: Lord Humphrey Bone:”

Said man wet his lips with his tongue, beginning “Well.. He's been.. Strange for a few months now. Paid attention to me, re-attached me, spent time with me.. And then he started doing those other things. Like wrap his arm around me or reciting love poems or, one time, I think his face was in my hair. Breath against my skin and-” he stopped himself, ignoring the quiet “Bally hell” somewhere in between his words “-and I figured he was.. Passing the time or.. I don’t know. I didn’t really.. Not until..” he sighed again “And I was weirded out by that, so I avoided him. And then, yesterday, Robin asks if I’m mad at my boyfriend!”

“He did?”

“He did. So obviously he.. Bragged about me liking him or made some comment or. I was mad. Pretty mad. Forgot that about bodies”- The Captain furrowed his brows - “Doesn’t matter. So I went to talk to him about it”

“Completely reasonable” nodded the other man

“And I told him that I was pissed off. And he-”

“Yes?”

“He kissed me. And I.. I stood there like an idiot and I kissed back”

“Good Lord.”

“And then he said something about.. Shakespeare, or.. And then he left”

“Ah. I see” answered the captain. For a moment, both were silent, then he went on “So, let’s talk strategy. Heherem. First priority: Hide. Second Priority, I’d say: your feelings. Third: Figure out what on earth is going on here”

“Hold on, my feelings?” repeated Humphrey, and the captain tilted his head baxk and forth and said “Well, you did kiss him back” with a tone far too casual, almost.. Teasing?

“Shut up” replied Humphrey “My feelings are... Not important”

“So, you do admit they exist, man?” his voice lowered

“Doesn’t matter” repeated Humphrey “I.. Alison. It’s really just a distraction”

“Well” said the Captain “I’d advise you to go to the cupboard. There’s one under the stairs, and no one ever goes there. When it gets loud I sometimes- I, erm, mean, this really is not very well suited, is it now?” he gestured to the cramped space they were in “As for him.. I can sort that out, do what’s proper”

Humphrey smiled “Thank you”

The Captain shifted, feet out of the closet again “Really no problem, Humphrey”

“Alright” he replied “See you, James”

“Sorting it out” turned out to mean something very different to the Captain than it did to Humphrey, who’d thought something more along the lines of clearing up the misunderstanding and getting the man to finally leave him alone – rather than having the two of them talk about it. Which said man only found out when he walked into the living room the next morning, only to see Thomas standing in the middle of it, fiddling with something, shooting a worried glance to the right. Following his gaze, Humphrey made eye contact with the Captain, who, upon noticing being noticed, left the room with a curt nod.

Thomas, turned around, and by now it was far too late for Humphrey to flee, wasn’t it.

“Good Morning..?” Humphrey said hesitantly, stepping closer, which, really, shouldn’t he be going the other way? Thomas remained silent, and, after wringing with himself really, he should take advantage of his legs and just leave. Or at least make small talk, or... Anything but say something that’ll spark into a monologue. “...Is everything alright?”

Great job, Humphrey.

Thomas opened his mouth, closed it, and, after a moment, said: “I have been such a terrible fool, darling”

He took a step forward, and, for whatever reason, Humphrey's feet stubbornly remained rooted to the ground. He swallowed as the other man’s eyes roamed over his face as if looking for something, and suddenly, he felt rather transparent “To cause you this pain. And I of all people know, oh, I know how it feels to have one's heart taken out and... Squeezed and squashed until shattered” he sighed dramatically, eyebrows scrunched together in an expression anybody else would only make in theatre

“So certain have I been, so clear in my feelings that I, in turn, have been hazy. Forgive me, I truly did try” cupping Humphrey’s cheek with his palm, fingers drifting to find their spot, thumb caressing his cheek bone, he went on. Humphrey’s breath did not hitch as Thomas’s fingers drifted behind his ear-shell, cool and soft and careful, and he blinked in confusion.

“I-” he wet his lips “What exactly are you talking about?”

“It wasn’t a jest.” replied Thomas “Or.. Some kind of experiment, a test, a... a hobby, something to pass the time, I assure you...”

“He told you” The words felt hollow, and there was a clump in his throat

“How could I have been so blind to not see your feelings?” he went on, and Humphrey averted his eyes, ready to explain everything away. That no, he didn’t... like Thomas, no matter what it sounded like, that the Captain had misunderstood and that there really was no need to apologize when-

“I was courting you”

What?

“You- what?” Humphrey spluttered

“I.. Well, Maybe customs have changed, but surely not so much, could they? First, Introductions. We have 200 years worth of that, I thought that more than sufficient– a gift to begin the proceedings, your body.” he gestured downwards “Time together. Meeting alone. If appropriate, touches – which yes, naturally many people, or ghosts, pick you up, but I did try to be gentle, and careful and... And lastly, getting to know the other deeply. Knowing things no other knows, Humphrey Ignatius Bone. I really thought I’d been rather clear.”

For a second, he didn’t say anything. Couldn’t say anything. “You were courting me. Were trying to court me?”

“Am. And apparently, failing spectacularly, if you really had no clue”

“I... I mean, how could I?” it was like a scale had been tipped, as if the first words spoken had been the stones starting an avalanche, and suddenly, words came tumbling out of him “You never suggested anything, except for those weird lyrical things, and I do know the smiths, you know? But.. Well, with Alison, too. And you always tell her you love her, obnoxiously so, ever since she’s arrived, and you’ve never.. I mean, with her, you were so clear to the point of annoyance and now-”

“Let me be clear, then” said Thomas “I love you. And only you. And not Alison. You spirit had captured me, heart and soul and I don’t know how it has taken 400 years for me to see what was right in front of me, with all its radiance, and warmth and.. Beauty. But it’s no fault of the sun if the eyes see not its beauty.”

“Because you, darling, are shining. You have blinded me, and my heart races with the warmth you bring. Poetry drips of your very word, with such ease it should make Byron or Shakespeare embarrassed of thinking themselves lyricists. You’re smart and oh, so effortless in the way you speak, you see, you know. In the way that things are clear to you. With Robin, with the Captain, with... You don’t just observe, you see. And simultaneously, you’re funny, your wit is quick and..”

“And you’re so, so good, dear. Kind and pure and... you don’t need to try to be, it comes naturally to you, it is you.”

“And your beauty, ah, your face, divine. Freckles on your skin like stars collapsed upon it, constellations to be traced, ethereal. That mole under your eye like Sirius, brightens your face, the way moves when you smile. Your eyes, so kind and warm and yet so deep and.. You have bewitched me, Humphrey Bone”

When he was done, Humphrey didn’t say anything. Instead, his body seemed to act for him, and it took a step forward, and wrapped his arms around the other man, head resting against his neck. “You idiot” he finally brought out, feeling himself be hugged in return, a comforting weight against his waist.

He tried to say something, he really did, and a million different variations entered his head- ”200 years of nothing suddenly you’re professing your love to me, and expect me to telepathically know?” “Why on earth didn’t you say anything?” “Nobody has ever said something quite so.. Kind? to me. Known me like this”

Instead, he repeated “You idiot”

Thomas turned his head, about to reply, when he knocked Humphrey’s head off i the process. Both of them reached their hands up, stabilizing him and Humphrey realized he was chuckling as he was set back atop himself. A smile played on Thomas’ lips as well, and then, the two of them were standing there, looking at each other.

“May I kiss you again?”

“Didn't ask the first time, did you?” Humphrey murmured, but his eyes were drifting to the other man's mouth “Yes”

And with that, Thomas’s lips met his own, and Humphrey’s eyes fluttered shut, and this time, he could actually focus on the sensation. It wasn’t quick or chaste, and he wasn’t too caught up in anger or shock and- it really had been some time since he’d kissed someone, hadn’t it? At least since his wedding.

And then Thomas deepened the kiss, and he didn’t think much anymore.

When they pulled apart, his hands rested around the other man’s shoulders, and their foreheads touched each other, and he could barely catch his breath before he was being kissed again.

“I like you too” he said between kisses, then added rather breathless and a bit redundant “so you know”

...
The next morning, Thomas was late for cocktail club – or cocktail society – or cocksoc. (“No, we’re not calling it that, mate”)

Humphrey was listening to Robin go on about puddle water and if it qualified if mixed with river water- “It’s still not a cocktail, Robin” “Is all I’ve ever drunk!” - mixed with Marys commentary “’tis the devil’s work”

A noise made all heads turned to the door - a humming, growing louder "Is that.. me?" asked Kitty, bewildered, and before Julian could reply with a snarky comment, Thomas danced more than walked in “Good morning – Oh, Kitty, your hair looks even prettier than usual today. As does your, Robin” Julian and Robin scrunched their brows together, with the latter taking his hand to pat the frizzy, unkempt strands “so sorry for the delay, angel” he took Humphrey’s hand, pulling him along as he left the room, just as quick as he entered, Humphrey sending an awkward glance over his shoulder before the two of them vanished behind a wall.

“Right” said Pat “what just happened?”

“Ah, will they won’t they for weeks” said Robin “Ever since Moonah Stonah”

“I’m guessing this development stems from my operation being successful” added the Captain

“What? Two men? And a headless one at that? In my house?” asked Fanny, getting up “Oh, this is unacceptable, I have to tell Alison this instant, or-”

“Headless, eh? Kinky” said Julian