Work Text:
blag
blaɡ/
BRITISH informal
verb
manage to obtain (something) by using persuasion or guile.
"they blagged two free tickets to France"
noun
an act of using persuasion or guile to obtain something.
"raising the £6.5 million had been either a heroic achievement by selfless, dedicated humanitarians or the blag of the century"
It's a big one, this video. It doesn't matter that Louis already has a million subscribers, it wouldn't matter if he still only had his mum. Because David Beckham had agreed to come on and play FIFA. All arranged by the game company, obviously – he gets a free copy of the game and an afternoon with David Beckham, they get the easiest free promo of their life – and Louis had absolutely smashed him, Donny beating Man United 4-1. And then Becks – he's allowed to call him Becks now, they're mates – wanted a crossbar challenge. "So you can beat me on the computer, but can you beat me where it counts?" David had grinned, and Louis is a cocky shit so he'd grinned and said "yeah, easy, old man."
So they went down the park with the cameras and somehow – Louis has no idea how – Louis fluked a perfect shot smack bang on the middle of the crossbar and then David Beckham – actual David Beckham – skied his shot into the trees. He tried to convince Louis they should have a do-over, best of three or something but Louis grinned at him and shook his hand. "Nah, you're alright mate. Reckon that's 2-0 to me anyway."
It goes viral, obviously, and his subscriber count doubles overnight. If he was a fly on the wall at Radio 1 when Fiona shows the video to Nick, he'd see Nick screech with delight. "I love this kid!" He yells. "He just sassed actual David Beckham." He watches it again, and then a third time, and then he clicks around and goes right back to the first video on the channel.
He clicks play.
"Fifi, can we get him on?"
--
Louis had started his channel a few years back. To start with it was just another one of his grand plans – "I'm gonna be famous, mum. I'm gonna win the X Factor" he'd grinned, bouncing around the kitchen with a can of Coke, still wearing his Toys R Us uniform. "Of course you are, love" she'd replied, like she always did. He'd auditioned, and he'd rightly been sent home at Boot Camp and if he's honest even getting that far had been a bit of a blag in itself.
Someone had told him – he can't remember who now, one of his mates probably or one of the researchers on X Factor – that he should post videos online. He thought it was nonsense at first, but he Googled it when he got home and found out that you could make an actual living out of just talking to your computer and every now and again. He even found out you could get free stuff.
So when he'd opened the YouTube channel and posted his first video, it was hardly surprising that his Mum and his mates were the only ones who bothered to watch it. But he was persistent – he'd done a bit of acting when he was younger and he was good in front of a camera so he kept on making them. Once he'd done the first one it was easy and he was relentless in his hounding of companies to give him free stuff to review. He'd met James Corden a few years back, played a bit of football with him while Jay was chaperoning the twins on a TV set. Although they hadn't exactly stayed mates he shamelessly tweeted the link to his channel and Cordo responded, following him back right away and tweeting the link to his own followers. My mate Lou. He's going places, why not get in on the ground floor?
He's not sure when he realised he was actually going to be able to make a go of it. It wasn't the one hundredth subscriber, it probably wasn't even the one thousandth. Hitting one hundred thousand was pretty cool and a million was beyond all expectations, but thinking back, the day he realised this was his life now was probably the day a journalist from the Daily Mail called him up and said Are you really a woman? Because our source tells us that's the case, and we're going to run a story tomorrow. We have a copy of your birth certificate and proof that you legally changed your name to Louis in 2004. Do you have any comment?
He wanted to throw up, he definitely didn't want to comment and it's the first time in his life he's wished he had an agent or someone to answer those kind of questions for him. He managed to squeak out "no comment" and hung up immediately, wishing five minutes later he could have a do-over as he'd basically confirmed their story. Even saying "no" would have been a better answer and wouldn't have been a lie because he's not a woman and he never was, not ‘really', or whatever it was they said.
So he'd dealt with it the only way he knew how. He sat down in front of his computer and turned on the camera before he had chance to chicken out.
"Bit of a different video today, gang." He'd smiled, and tried to look relaxed. "I don't have any freebies to plug and I don't have any special guests. I just have something I need to get out and I'm not ashamed, I'm just sorry that it's taken a trashy national newspaper threatening to out me to put this out there. I want you to hear this from me." He took a deep breath. "I'm a transgender man. For the first few years of my life I was raised as a girl. But I never – it was never right. My mum has always been completely amazing and let me be who I really am, but it was still like I was being two people, Louis at home and a girl at school. So my mum, my step-dad and me decided it would be a good idea if I had a fresh start at a school where nobody knew me and I could be myself. So I went to a different secondary school, we changed my name and I've been Louis to everyone ever since." He bit his lip. "So that's my big news. My secret. Lily Austin doesn't exist. Louis Tomlinson is who I am, I've never lied about that and I hope you can all understand why it's not something I felt comfortable sharing until now. I'll be back tomorrow with your regularly scheduled blag, and I hope you'll stick around."
--
"Coming up after eight o'clock, YouTube sensation Louis Tomlinson will be joining us to talk about the internet, how to get free stuff and hanging out with David Beckham. It's 7.59, here's Tina Daheley with the news."
Louis is hanging out in the live lounge with a cup of tea. He's already had the lowdown from Fiona – who seems lovely – but this is his first live gig and he's terrified of accidentally doing a swear. He's scrolling through Twitter when Nick appears in front of him, holding out his hand and grinning at him. "Hiya. I'm Nick. Or Grimmy, whichever you prefer!"
Louis laughs a little and puts down both his phone and his tea. As if he needed the introduction. He remembers watching T4 on a Sunday morning and thinking that Nick Grimshaw was a bit of alright. A bit of Sunday morning perving was a nice distraction from everything else going on in his life. "I'm – just Louis. It's nice to meet you – thanks for asking me on! I'm a bit nervous, actually."
Nick laughs. "In case you swear, yeah? I find what really helps is having a massive sweary rant about nothing just before you come in. Get it all out of your system."
"Really?"
"No, I just wanted to see if you would."
Louis lets out a snort that he's not proud of followed by a word he's even less proud of. "You twat!"
Nick chuckles and doesn't look at all offended which Louis is thankful for. "Yeah, that one's definitely one of the on-air nonos." He grins. "Off air though, you can call me it as much as you want."
Louis smiles a little and feels himself relaxing. It's not really that different to his channel, it's just that this is live… and being broadcast to the whole country. No big deal. "I'll remember that, cheers."
Nick opens the door to the studio and gestures for Louis to go through. "Come on in. We'll have a song after the news and then you're on."
--
The interview seems to be going pretty well, as far as Louis can tell. Nick is laughing at his jokes and it doesn't seem like pity laughter so that's a good start.
"So David Beckham, huh? That's got to be the dream. Where do you even go from there? Is there even any point?"
Louis laughs a little. "It was definitely my dream, yeah. And I thrashed him, which helped. But I don't know. Anyone who wants to come on is welcome, really. It's mostly just me, or sometimes my family."
Nick nods. "What do they think about it? Are they big fans of yours?"
"I think they like it. I think actually they like the free stuff I get more than anything, because I get loads of stuff I wouldn't want or use and they get to keep it in exchange for a little review."
"That's a pretty good deal!"
"Yeah, it works out well for everyone." Louis grins a bit. "Like, my sister Lottie has been on a couple of times, she's always up for trying out any hair or makeup freebies I get. She's doing a beauty course at the sixth form college so it's very On Brand for her." He smiles. He's proud of her. "Oh - but now I've mentioned one I'd better mention the others or they'll be pi-" He catches himself just in time and manages to save it by turning it into another word. "eeved. Peeved."
Nick is trying not to laugh and makes a perfect symbol with his fingers. "There's more?"
Louis nods. "Fiz is next after Lottie, she's very opinionated and she's good at putting her thoughts into words. Very articulate. I think she's going to be some kind of activist one day; she definitely knows more than me about pretty much everything. If I'm ever not sure if something is going to offend people before I post it, Fiz can tell me straight away. Then there's Phoebe and Daisy, they're twins, they're only eleven but they're YouTubers already too. They can do twin things, psychic stuff, people are fascinated apparently. And then Ernie and Doris – they're still babies but they crack me up."
"Wow. So you need more than just a YouTube channel, you need like – the Tomlinson Network. TTN. Gonna be bigger than the BBC, I bet. Just – if that happens, do you fancy hiring me?"
"Have to see about that." Louis grins. "Not a Tomlinson, are you?"
The rest of the time flies. They play a dumb game, take a couple of calls from excited fans – it still always gives Louis a thrill that he has fans and then time is up. They head off to have some pictures taken in the Instagrim booth. Louis doesn't necessarily always love having his picture taken, which he knows is probably weird considering what he does for a living but he can easily make a video another day if he's feeling a bit off, whereas this – no putting this off. Luckily Nick has made him feel really at ease so he doesn't mind at all, and he leaps onto Nick's back without waiting to be asked how he wants to pose.
They've got Ellie Goulding coming in after nine, and Louis doesn't feel like he's earned the right yet to push his luck and ask if he can stick around to meet her. He's just picking up his stuff and getting ready to go when Nick turns back from the doorway and grins a little. "Hey, do you fancy like – getting a drink or something? Or I'm having a party tomorrow night. You could come."
When he'd got the call asking if he wanted to come on the show, Louis had dreamed that it might end like this. Nick Grimshaw's friendship group are famously pretty damn cool and being able to call on Kate Moss for fashion tips would be an amazing boost for his channel. But that kind of thing is the stuff of dreams, and dreams like that – dreams where David Beckham comes round and sits on your bed and plays video games with you – they're a once in a lifetime sort of thing. And Louis has had his.
"Um," he starts. "Sure? I mean." He pauses a little, because he sometimes does get a little flustered. Is Nick flirting? If he is flirting, does he know everything? Because he's been there before too, getting down to the kissing and having to put the brakes on because the guy doesn't know , and well. That's not fun when it's a random from a club, let alone a national treasure. "I mean when you said you've watched all of my videos, did you mean like – all of them?"
Nick's face softens a little and he smiles. "Yeah. All of them."
"And?"
"And I'll text you my address, yeah? Party starts at 9."
--
It's far from the first celebrity party Louis has been invited to, but the others have all been more of your big fancy product-sponsored PR jobs with other YouTubers present – not so much a private thing at someone's house. Nick's Instagram is full of his friends (not that Louis has spent the last day stalking him online, or anything) and it's a lot. Models, DJs – Alexa Chung was Louis' Sunday morning hangover crush for most of his late teens, when she was on T4 and he was still trying to figure out what to do with his life. Harry Styles will probably be there, and their paths haven't crossed since Boot Camp, long before Harry's name became world famous. He wonders if Harry even remembers him.
He sort of hangs around near the gate, pretending to be making a phone call while he watches a couple of people go in and he works up his nerve. "Okay." He finally pockets his phone and pushes open the gate, heading up the path and towards Nick's flat. The door swings open before he even reaches the door, and Nick is standing there on the other side, grinning.
"Louis!" He stands back to let him come in, and Louis reckons Nick's already had a drink or two. He sort of wishes he'd thought to have a couple before he left home himself. "I've been watching you from the window. Thought you were never coming in."
"Oh," Louis thinks he's probably blushing, which is massively embarrassing. "Just a work call. Couldn't get them off the line."
"Glad you finally did. Come through, I'll get you a drink. Beer okay?"
"Perfect, yeah." He follows Nick into the kitchen and takes the Corona he's handed, clinking against Nick's bottle when he offers it. "Cheers."
It's actually a wicked party. Nick's got an actual set of decks in the corner of the room and his friends just float in and out, taking it in turns to pick some tunes. Louis is chatting to Pixie Geldof – a real life honest to god Geldof - when Nick comes past and grabs his hand. It was unexpected, and Louis hopes his hand isn't clammy and gross, but the thought doesn't last long when Nick pushes him in front of the pile of records and grins at him.
"Pick some stuff out. I'll give you a masterclass."
And he does. Louis picks it up pretty quickly, even if he does say so himself. Before Louis knows it they've been up there an hour and his beer is long gone. Nick must be a mind reader because he passes the metaphorical baton to Alexa and tells Louis to wait there while he fetches more drinks.
They end up hanging out chatting – both with other people and just the two of them – for the rest of the night. Louis is the last one standing, carrying on the conversation as he wanders around Nick's flat putting empty bottles in a big black bin bag like they've been best mates for years.
It's just past two in the morning when he finally makes a move to go home.
"Oh," Nick smiles a little. "It's late. You can stay here if you want."
Louis isn't sure if Nick means stay stay, because he's not the most adept at picking up on signals and flirting, but he doesn't really want to risk the chance that's not what Nick means. "I – thanks, but I should go." Louis pauses and looks up at Nick. He likes Nick a lot and if there's a chance of anything ever happening he needs to be honest about the stuff that might freak Nick out. "I have to wear this binder?" He gestures to his chest and tries his hardest not to be a total chicken and break eye contact. "So that I look like this. You're not really meant to wear them too long, so I kind of – I should go home. But thank you for the offer. And for a really great party."
To his credit, Nick doesn't look freaked out. "Okay, cool." He smiles. "Call a taxi though. We can hang out until it comes. Don't you be getting on a night bus."
Louis laughs out loud, instantly feeling at ease again. "No night buses. Promise."
--
The next time Louis runs into Nick, it's at the park. Louis has borrowed a dog from his friend and it's possible he maybe-sort-of-on-purpose took him to the park by Nick's house when it came to time to walk him.
"Louis?" Nick's voice rings out from behind him. Despite this being the entire strategy he'd planned out, Louis had been so engrossed in throwing sticks and balls that he didn't even see Nick and Pig arrive. "Didn't know you lived round here!"
"I don't. Dog-sitting for a mate who does," Louis lies and hopes he'll never get caught out. He'll just say his friend moved. Or died. Whatever. He's a professional blagger, he can handle this. "This is Bruce."
"Bruce!" Nick grins. "Strong name. Bruce, this is Pig."
"Hi Pig!" Louis grins and waves Bruce's paw at her. Bruce gives him the most withering look he's ever seen from a dog and Louis laughs and let go. "Okay, okay, you can do your own flirting Brucie."
"I'm glad I've run into you, actually." Nick smiles and sits down on the bench beside Louis when the dogs run off. "I've been meaning to call."
"Oh?"
"Yep. I want to know when I can come on one of your videos."
It's not what Louis was expecting and he laughs. "Well I don't know about that, Nicholas. What are you going to give me? It's a two-way street, you know."
"I bet you didn't say that to David Beckham."
"David Beckham's people gave me a preview copy of FIFA. You've got to do better than that if you want to come on." He grins.
"You've been on my show!"
"Oho!" Louis grins. "Look at you, all entitled. Nope, come on. What have you got? It's Tommo's Guide to Blagging, not Tommo Hangs Out With Celebrities."
Nick snorts. "Maybe that could be a spin-off. I could be your first guest!"
"Try again."
Nick pauses a little. "How about dinner? I'll buy you dinner."
"And then what, we review it? That doesn't sound like a blag, that sounds like a date."
"That's – kind of what I meant."
Louis is all set to come back with a smart remark about not reviewing his dates on the internet when he actually hears what Nick said. "Really?"
"Yes," Nick laughs a little and he sounds sort of nervous. "I would like to take you out. No dogs. No filming. If you fancy it."
"Yeah, I do." Louis grins a little. A date with Nick Grimshaw.
"How's tonight? I mean." He gestures at Pig and Bruce who are getting along nearly as well as Nick and Louis. "Unless you have dog things."
"Oh." Louis frowns a little. "No, this is our big goodbye walk, me and Brucie. My friend is back later this afternoon." He's not sure when he became so shit and unconvincing at lying. It's his entire livelihood, so he hopes it's not one of those fall in love, lose your superpowers situations. Not that he's in love or anything. Not yet.
"Right." Nick laughs a little. "Great. I'll pick you up. Or - why don't you come to mine. I'll cook."
"You can cook?" Louis grins. "I'm so in."
"What would I get round yours? Tea and toast?" Nick throws a stick and Pig looks at him pathetically. She clearly has no intention of chasing after it. Bruce on the other hand is off like a shot.
Louis sticks his tongue out. "No, god." He thinks about it. "Takeaway?"
Nick laughs and it's nice because it's not like he's laughing at Louis. It's banter. Louis likes banter. "Nice home cooked meal it is then. See you at eight." He stands up and Pig immediately comes over to him. She's obviously smitten with Nick.
Louis knows the feeling.
--
Louis sets up the camera and presses record. "Alright gang. Big one today. Tommo's Guide to Blagging special edition – How to blag a famous boyfriend. Special guest's joining us for this one, so here goes." He flops down next to Nick at the sofa and adjusts the angle so that they're both in shot. "How about you tell the people all about it, Nicholas."