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English
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Published:
2025-11-22
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2,091
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1/1
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Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham are banned from IKEA

Summary:

They cannot operate like normal people, everywhere they go chaos just magically appears

Notes:

I am Ikea's number one fan. I will not tolerate any Ikea hate on my account.
Feel free to share ur thoughts on my fic, I don't really care if u hate it I just love seeing the notifications.

Work Text:

 

"Will, we won't be living for long here," he said calmly, a little too relaxed for someone who just got out of a life threatening situation. Someone who almost died. He didn't comment on the situation, just stitched himself like this was going to become a reoccurring event. If it wasn't the fact that Hannibal was critically injured, Will would most likely be punching him right now.

 

"We should maintain a low profile, I do have an apartment not far away but it's best we stay like this for a little longer," Hannibal explained as Will paced around the room, if you could even call it a room. The bed wasn't even a bed, it was a mattress. How did Hannibal even find this motel in the first place? Probably went on his little ipad and searched top ten abandoned places you should visit in crisis. Will could almost laugh at how idiotic he sounded. By now his head was spinning and he was sure it was the static sound coming from the radio, with one huff he just grabbed the whole thing and threw it out the window.

 

"-- Will, I don't think that would be classified as maintaining a low profile," he muttered, finally done with his stitches as he looked at the man, a loud noise from outside interrupting their moment as someone screamed at the top of their lungs, cussing about the Radio being thrown away. Oh yeah, that. 

 

"I knew I should've thrown it a little more to the left," Will added squinting his eyes at the man who looked to be in his mid 30's. Hannibal chuckled as they both agreed it was time to sleep.

 

 


 

 

For the first night after faking their death, they were holding up pretty good. Waking up confused and disoriented after blacking out drunk and fucking for hours on end. Will groaned, the ray of light hitting him as rubbed his eyes, squinting to see the damn motel didn't have a curtain. 

 

"Stupid motel.. " he murmured under his breath as he raised his leg to kick Hannibal in face the impact making him snap his eyes open, looking at Will as if he just cursed his entire bloodline and flipped Mischa off at the same time. With one look around the room now that the beautiful sun portrayed all of it's absolute horrible decor choices Hannibal looked Will straight in the eyes. A decision that made the man have little room for arguing. 

 

"Tell me Will, do you like the Swedish furniture and home-goods company IKEA?""

 

" I mean I like the meatba--" before he could finish that sentence Hannibal grabbed his wrist, pulling him out of bed as he went on with getting dressed making Will almost trip as tried to keep his balance. 

 

It's a miracle they've arrived in one piece as they stepped into the building. Hannibal still wearing a freshly cleaned and ironed suit. How was it even ironed? Will considered the possibility that if Hannibal looked with enough disgust at a suit, it would iron itself in fear.

 

Will wore a turtle neck to hide his bite marks, you know-- like a whore in church. 

 

It wasn't long until they began to look for.. actually for everything the motel room was still a mess. Hannibal began to inspect every little detail in each of the decorated rooms, silently judging every single mistake made by their designer, scoffing at the purple vase next to the yellow painting as will rolled his eyes for what seemed to be the tenth time. 

 

"Far from the look I want—almost repulsive, these .. atrocities they call "furniture" " Will blinked, he just wanted to eat the meatballs. 

 

" Tell me, Will--"

"I'll go look around for more stuff" he spat, Hannibal was already at his fourth "Tell me, will" and he started to think it was actually his designated catchphrase. 

 

He looked around, stepping into an all black kitchen-- he should've looked for the bedrooms, Hannibal was always adamant about how his sacred space should look like. But nonetheless, he wasn't actually trying to help, he was just looking around. With one look around the place Will actually started to agree with Hannibal, why was there a pink Hand blender doing in the middle of a black Kitchen? He made eye contact with the thing, quickly grabbed it and went to a more brightly colored kitchen to put it in. 

 

"This is my design. " He murmured to himself as he put the hand blender on the island of a pink and yellow themed kitchen. With a smug he let go, but with one sudden movement a loud electrical sound was heard. He turned the hand blender on. It was jumping around the kitchen island having a mind of its own. This was not will's design. This was the Hand blender's sickly twisted revenge for being moved away. 

 

Any normal human being wouldn't know how to act in this situation besides looking in horror at the jumping Hand blender that was moving towards Will with more sheer power and determination than Jack trying to find the Chesapeake ripper. 

 

He almost screamed as he backed away running towards Hannibal in distress as the man looked at him as confused, still checking the pillows, his shoulders tensing as Will grabbed his arms, wrapping his body around it like a damsel in distress.

 

"Will, are you alright dear? "

"Hannibal.. Hannibal I swear to fucking god it's chasing me"

 

Hannibal stood there without much to say as he tilted his head "Encephalitis does cause hallucinations.. are you aware of that Will?" Hannibal reminded him softly, placing his hand on Wills forehead "--You think I'm crazy?! Look at that thing! " He spat as Hannibal turned around to see nothing. Will's breath hitched as he turned around. 

 

The hand blender was back in its original spot in the Black kitchen. Fucking liar. 

 

With one swift motion Will got away from Hannibal's grasp, crossing his arms "Forget that.. are you done? " He asked rubbing the bridge of his nose, Hannibal's eyebrows furrowed as if Wills question was truly idiotic

 

"It's been ten minutes.. I need time to choose accordingly" he muttered, his hands roaming around multiple bed sheets, trying to find the softest one. Will could almost fall off a cliff again at the imagery. "I suggest you go ahead and find something you like,"

 

Will huffed, grabbing a random pillow from the floor , "There, can we go eat the meatballs now? " He said dryly as Hannibal looked at him unamused "-Will I am not kidding, go find something useful"

 

With that will groaned stepping out of the bedroom to wander around again, this time keeping a little more distance from the Hand blender. He somehow found himself in the decorated dining room areas. Four tables with different knick-knacks arranged on them. One of the tables even having decorative foods on each plate and-- were those meatballs?

 

Will almost drooled at the sight, those perfect -- round meatballs were just begging to be eaten. He got closer grabbing one of them as he took a bite only to yelp in pain.

 

Plastic meatballs. They were hard, Plastic meatballs. He cursed under his breath, his mouth remaining open from the pain as a hand wrapped around his shoulder making him flinch.

 

"Will.. I found the most exquisite bedsh-- Oh dear..." Hannibal cooed as he saw Will almost gagging from the pain and the horrid taste of plastic meatballs. "Let's go eat." He stated, a hand wrapping around Will's waist as they started walking to the built in restaurant.

 

By the time they arrived Will's teeth didn't seem to hurt anymore and Hannibal chose not to comment on whatever scene he just walked upon. He was happy to see Will happy for-- such an ordinary meal.

 

Will looked at the meatballs, not seeing the look of pure jealousy burning in Hannibal's eyes as they both got their meals and turned towards the tables. There were no open tables. Will walked around the area three times yet no one seemed to budge.

 

"Will, we should get the food ready to --" Hannibal flinched as will screamed the word no so hard he made the security guard side eye them. 

 

"I can't believe I'm saying this but-- We need to eat in the... the black kitchen" he gulped in horror as the tray of meatballs in his hand began to shake. Hannibal looked with worry in his eyes of his lover, nodding in approval to whatever Will was proposing. 

 

They walked quietly to the kitchen area. Multiple people glancing at them because a man wearing a three piece suit and holding a tray of roasted duck along with his Schizo boyfriend, (hand placement crazy, like his hand was on Will's left asschek bro.) walking around the Ikea dining rooms looked absolutely normal. 

 

They sat down, Hannibal beginning to think Will was having another episode as Will slowly... carefully looked to the right, making Hannibal look in that exact same spot. His voice slow and steady.

 

"Will... The blender won't hurt you, eat your meatballs in peace." he murmured as Will nodded and began to eat everything that was on his plate with such a speed that Hannibal had to hold him down, scared he might eat the tray aswell. 

 

"I think I feel much better" Will sighed in relief as he finished his meal while Hannibal finally began to realize his boyfriend was back to normal "Let's just go ahead and pay then we'll go back," he smiled as he got up only to flinch at the sudden familiar sound

 

Hannibal's eyes slowly traveled to Will. In a moment of fight or flight. The blender was shaking around the room. Before Hannibal could say a word he saw Will absolutely running for his life, blinking a few times to make sure what just happened was real. 

 

He tried screaming for the man but it was useless.. Will was probably all the way in the bathroom area. With one exasperated sigh he quickly went to the cash register to purchase everything as he began making his way towards Will, his body suddenly stopping as he saw the restaurant. Like a light switch turned on inside his head he decided Will could wait just a few more minutes. 

 

After an excruciating amount of time they finally met, Hannibal grabbing Will's hand as they began to fight in the dining room area like a divorced couple about how irrational Will's fear was. The screaming got louder and before both of them knew it, the security guard shoved them outside of the Ikea.

 

"Hannibal.. let's just go im-- I'm too tired to speak. " He traced as he took a step forward, looking at Hannibal's weirdly shaped suit, he tilted his head in concern.

 

"Hannibal.. can you move?" He asked as the man nodded, still not talking.

 

"Hannibal.. walk up to me right now." He said, his voice more serious as Hannibal nodded again, taking one step closer just for a dozen of meatballs to fall out of his suit making Will just stand there, trying to figure out if this was another one of his hallucinations 

 

"Care to explain why.. just-- why? " He said at a loss for words as Hannibal finally spoke up "You looked at them with so much love.. " He admitted, tilting his head down in shame as Will burst out laughing 

 

 


 

 

They began to decorate the second they got home, Hannibal smiling at the now decorated bedroom as will opened his bag to take a fluffy golden retriever puppy from it. 

 

"I don't remember you buying that, was it from ikea?"  

"Oh yeah I didn't buy it, I just took it."

 

Hannibal frowned at Will who was now placing the golden retriever plush in their bed. "Well excuse me for stealing a plush. You steal organs, " he muttered at Hannibal's disappointed stare

 

"Next time just tell me and I'll buy it for you, no need to make stupid choices like that" Hannibal said softly as he pressed a kiss on Will's forehead,

 

"Oh I think the fact that we decorated a motel room was more stupid, you do realize they're not gonna let you keep the new furniture in.. right?" He asked, smirking as he turned around to see the sheer panic in Hannibal's eyes

 

"I-- Let's just go to sleep honey, " he traced kissing Hannibal's cheek, slowly pulling him into a hug as Hannibal finally relaxed into his touch, falling asleep peacefully in their temporally furnished bedroom.