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“Seungmin,” Felix calls out, even before the front door has had time to fall shut. “Are you home?” he asks next. Seungmin briefly considers remaining quiet and perhaps startling him when he gets close enough. It’s funny to do that, sometimes. But there’s an almost nervous edge to Felix’s voice that quickly makes him reconsider pulling a silly prank tonight.
“I’m on the couch,” Seungmin calls back from where he’d been lying in peaceful tranquility for the last hour, placing his phone on his chest. He hears the rustling of clothes, the shuffling of feet, then a blond head appears right above his, eyes huge and round.
“Hi,” Felix says and Seungmin sees him try for a smile. It’s a little bit closer to a grimace, maybe, with the way tension sits so clearly on his face. Now, with the tremble to his voice and the sight of his expression, it’s pretty clear that something is off, but Felix doesn’t follow the greeting with an explanation or a complaint, so Seungmin doesn’t ask.
“Hi,” he replies instead, followed by the usual, “Have you eaten?”
Some semblance of normalcy returns to their home after that. Seungmin orders food and they eat together while he tells Felix about what he has done today and Felix tells Seungmin how packed his schedule for tomorrow looks. He seems tired, his body slouched in a way that screams of exhaustion rather than relaxation. There’s purple under his eyes that Seungmin knows is expertly covered with concealer, but the slumped lines of his shoulders are hard to hide. While he’s washing the dishes, Felix hovers close by, leaning against the counter with his body turned towards the open room. Even from the corner of his eye he can see Felix’s teeth gnawing on his lip, tugging on the skin without mercy in the way that usually makes the makeup artists scold him. He seems nervous, maybe.
“Do you want to go wash up?” Seungmin asks and watches the way Felix’s face grows just a little bit paler. His eyes are always huge, but seem to grow even larger, his brows pinched and worried and Seungmin feels like he told him to walk off a plank and into the stormy sea, instead of asking him if he wants to go and wash his makeup off.
“To the bathroom?” Felix asks, staring straight at him. Seungmin, in his confusion, simply stares back. He does stop scrubbing the plate in his hands, but remains standing exactly as he is, with his arms and hands submerged in soapy water. Actually, his sleeves have started sliding down his elbow, but Seungmin doesn’t have it in him to mind that right now.
“Yes?”
If possible, Felix crumbles even further. “Alone?” he asks and his voice does that very cute thing where it rises in pitch and sweetness and suddenly it’s not international superstar Felix standing in front of him, but the Lee Felix Yongbok that first became his roommate almost ten years ago.
Seungmin rinses off the plate and puts it away to dry before wiping the remaining water and suds off his hands. Felix is still standing there, still staring, now with an additional, probably subconscious, pout to his lips.
“Felix,” Seungmin starts and turns his body to face him. Felix has his arms crossed above his stomach and his shoulders pulled in and Seungmin wonders if reaching out to touch him would be a good idea or not. Though, if he wanted to be touched, his little fingers would probably be grabbing Seungmin’s arm already. “Are you alright?”
Instead of responding, Felix looks away, at Seungmin’s hands and then lower, eyes now firmly glued to the ground. His lips purse further, then press into a tense line and instead of saying anything at all he nods, the movement jerky and stiff. For an odd moment Seungmin feels that he has done something wrong. Just as he opens his mouth to ask what it was, Felix turns and walks away from him, straight to his room. He opens the door and quickly hits the light switch on before scurrying off inside and shutting the door behind him. Silence returns.
For another moment, Seungmin stands where his flatmate had left him, feeling awkward and unsure in a way he usually never does around Felix. Then he decides that whatever is wrong must be something Felix doesn’t want to talk to him about and there’s no use in standing around pondering. And since the door to Felix’s room remains firmly shut, Seungmin heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
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It’s about an hour after he’s gotten into bed and finished journalling that Felix knocks on his door. He waits for Seungmin to ask him to come in before he pokes his head inside, even though it’s not necessary at all. The sight of him surprises Seungmin a little bit; mostly because he looks, if possible, even more exhausted and exactly the same as he did as he left without another word. He’s still wearing the same clothes and still has a face full of makeup, his hair still done.
Confusingly enough, Felix also glances over his shoulder, then presses his back against Seungmin’s door frame and steps closer, almost as if he’s pressing inside and past an invisible force. Then he asks, “Seungminnie, can you do me a favour?”
“Sure?” Seungmin responds immediately, mostly because he can’t imagine Felix asking for something that he wouldn’t willingly do for him.
Or, at least, up until that moment Seungmin assumed there would be nothing because after another glance at the empty and well lit hallway, Felix asks, “I need to go to the bathroom, can you come with me?” Suddenly, Seungmin starts to doubt if there really is no favour at all that he wouldn’t do for Felix because this conversation is taking a strange direction.
“Come with you?” he asks, wanting to make sure that he understood correctly.
“Yes.”
“To the bathroom?”
Felix nods.
It’s not that this is an impossible to fulfil favour or that Seungmin feels too lazy to get out of bed and walk the few steps over to the bathroom for Felix, it’s just that Seungmin doesn’t understand why Felix needs him to. Has he developed a sudden apprehension towards their bathroom? Is there a bug in there that he doesn’t want to deal with on his own?
Seungmin could ask, of course. He could push and prod, but Felix looks tired and pitiful where he stands, with his back pressed to the wall and his fingers twisting the thin material of his tank top. Besides, it’s only a few steps over and it’s not like Seungmin was ready to sleep yet.
“Sure,” he says slowly and gets out of bed. Felix remains pressed against the wall right until the moment when Seungmin is close enough to touch. He releases the cotton of his top only to start clinging to Seungmin instead, small fingers kneading incessantly against his forearm. Felix still smells like perfume and hairspray and he’s very warm where he plasters himself against Seungmin’s side. He also chooses to remain there, glued against Seungmin, even when they reach the half ajar door to the dark bathroom. They both end up standing there, Felix staring at the door handle while Seungmin stares at Felix. Living with Felix bears some odd moments sometimes. Felix is many things; one of them whimsical and unlike anyone Seungmin has ever met, but despite the previously established levels of oddity, tonight takes on a slightly different twist.
In an attempt to help things move along and hopefully conclude this weird night, Seungmin pushes the door open. It goes with the brief creak of an unoiled hinge, just as it always does, only that Felix tenses and shivers against him and the hands around his arm start squeezing harder, borderline uncomfortable.
“Well, here is the bathroom,” Seungmin says when the silence still stretches on. He feels quite silly because Felix lives in this apartment, he knows where the bathroom is and Seungmin doesn’t need to introduce it like one of those renovation show hosts, but he felt like he just had to say something. A moment later he tacks on, “Didn’t you want to go?”
The question sort of sets Felix into motion again. Only sort of because he doesn’t release Seungmin or even move inside, but he does finally look up, right at Seungmin, with glassy and pretty eyes. Without his platform shoes and insoles he’s noticeably shorter than Seungmin — not by a lot, but enough for him to look down and as he does, he’s suddenly hit with the visual of a very scruffy and pitiful looking baby cat asking for attention. It’s oddly cute.
“Come with me. Into the bathroom. Inside, I mean.” Okay, not that cute.
Seungmin’s face probably shows his immediate refusal, too. He can feel the frown tug on his lips and the answering desperation in Felix’s grip, and his ever growing pout, when Seungmin answers with a very firm and resolute, “No.”
“Please, Seungminnie,” he begs next, eyes somehow growing larger, more glassy, more fawn-like. It’s almost an unfair battle because Felix has had nearly ten years of experience on how to break down every last one of Seungmin’s defenses and turn his heart into something pathetically soft and caring.
“No! Why would— Felix, why would I stand in the bathroom while you’re on the toilet?” Seungmin questions and just because the intensity of that imploring stare grows almost unbearable, he tries to tug his arm free. Felix doesn’t release him, though, only digs his blunt, manicured nails into Seungmin’s skin, probably leaving marks and clinging in a way that makes freedom an unreachable goal.
“Because I’m scared,” Felix whines and he presses his cheek into Seungmin’s shoulder and his body flush against Seungmin’s side.
The admission leaves him taken aback, but the words and their meaning has not yet settled, so Seungmin huffs in response, sounding slightly mean and disbelieving when he asks, “Scared of what?”
The answer is immediate.
“Ghosts.”
Seungmin stops trying to wiggle free.
It had been years since they had one of these moments. Not many, but enough for Seungmin to not have recognised the signs immediately. Maybe if he had been Jisung he would have seen this coming a lot sooner, since it had always been him who would get woken up in the middle of the night by a shaking and terrified Felix and then forced to accompany him to the bathroom. Of course, the reason is ghosts. And of course, this is something that Seungmin can’t argue with because as irrational as he finds Felix’s fears, to him they’re real enough to feel tangible.
“Okay,” he replies and sighs in resignation. “Okay, I’ll accompany you.”
Felix nods and pouts but doesn’t move, so Seungmin makes the first step of turning the light on. He’s already wondering and worrying how they would do this, where he’s supposed to stand and how to make this moment not awkward. He also wonders how Jisung dealt with it. Though, Jisung must have been half asleep and probably equally only half aware of what was going on. Seungmin doesn’t have that luxury.
When they step inside, Felix finally releases him, only to press himself against Seungmin’s back and urge him to walk ahead, mumbling in a worried and high pitched whisper about how Seungmin needs to check the mirrors and the corner in the shower. Embarrassingly enough, Seungmin does. It’s worse because he does it sincerely; he actually stands in front of the mirror, brushes his fingers against the cold and unchanged surface, then studies the length of the shower’s corner meticulously.
“The room is clear, Yongbok. No ghosts here,” he confirms and feels Felix exhale against his back.
“You still have to wait here while I pee,” Felix insists. Seungmin wishes he hadn’t said the word pee and also that he didn’t have to wait around for it and was instead comfortably nestled in his bed. He also wishes that Felix had never watched that stupid horror movie as a trainee and gotten scarred for life, to the point where he’s still so terrified of ghosts he needed someone to accompany him to the bathroom. But the pout on Felix’s face is still audible to Seungmin, even if he can’t see his expression, and he can’t find it in him to not help. Belatedly he realises, he never stood a chance. There truly was no favour that Felix could ask of him that he wouldn’t fulfil.
While facing the mirror it’s easy to see the pink state of his ears and the way the blush has started to seep into his cheeks. The knowledge that he’s obviously embarrassed somehow makes him more shy and his voice more hesitant and soft as he mumbles out, “Okay, fine, but hurry.”
Felix pulls away a second later and then Seungmin hears the unmistakable sound of a belt opening and pants dropping. Surprisingly, followed by the sound of Felix sitting down on the toilet. Then he sighs, as Seungmin tries his best to ignore the trickle that is him peeing.
His face, if possible, grows more red.
“Seungminnie,” Felix begins, still mid pee, “Thank you so much, you’re really the best friend I could ever wish for.”
“Felix, please don’t talk to me while you’re on the toilet.”
“No, but I really mean it.”
“Just finish your pee.”
Evidently he does because there’s more sounds and then the toilet flushing, clothes rustling again. Felix moves past him, almost rushing to the sink with his head lowered in a clear attempt to not look at the mirror. While standing behind him it’s even more obvious how tense he is and how there is a barely conceivable tremble to his shoulders. He’s genuinely terrified and the thought hurts with a persistent twinge in the space between Seungmin’s ribs. Silly, little pranks are one thing but Seungmin hates seeing Felix upset. It’s happened frequently enough as is, there’s no need for more. Then Felix turns to face him and Seungmin wonders how he could have missed the obvious fear that’s etched into his face before.
“Okay, we can go now,” Felix tells him, voice small. His fingers once again reach for Seungmin’s wrist, his grip cold and clammy.
“Don’t you want to take a shower? Wash your makeup off?” he asks, not moving away even as Felix starts shaking his head and tugging on his arm. “Felix,” Seungmin begins with a sigh. “You can’t go to sleep like this.”
“I can’t shower Seungminnie, it’s too scary. And what happens when I close my eyes to take my make up off and the ghosts get me, huh?” Felix questions rather seriously and Seungmin knows that if he were to argue about how that’s impossible and silly and nothing will happen, he won’t get far at all.
“Do you trust me to protect you from the ghosts?” he asks instead. After a brief second of hesitation Felix nods. “Okay, go get some clothes to change into. I’m going to wait here, then help you get ready. Deal?” Another second passes where Felix stares at him, his lips red and bitten and complexion pallid, before he nods once more and rushes off. He’s almost running to his room like someone is chasing him and Seungmin bets that if he were to press his fingers against Felix’s pulse point now, his heart would be fluttering like hummingbird wings.
While Felix gets his change of clothes, Seungmin pulls out some emergency makeup wipes, a cleansing toner and cotton pads. It’s not ideal, but he doesn’t think forcing Felix to lean over the sink with his eyes closed until he’s properly washed his face is going to happen tonight. He’ll have to choose his battles. When Felix returns he sits him down on the closet toilet lid and comes to stand between his dangling legs, one hand carefully cradling Felix’s small chin, while the other gently swipes across his face. Felix could probably do this himself, actually, but he’d rush and tug on his skin which would probably lead to redness and maybe even breakouts. Despite the shaking of his fingers and shoulders, Felix allows Seungmin to take his time, even obediently closes his eyes when he’s told to, before Seungmin sends him off to the shower.
It’s a little weird, the way they do it; Felix steps inside and only then starts stripping while Seungmin stands with his back pressed against the shower wall. The glass door of the shower opens and his clothes are dropped on the ground right next to where Seungmin is standing. A second later the water turns on.
Back when they used to share a dorm, all of them together, some of the members would shower together. It wasn’t weird for one person to brush their teeth while the other one was washing their hair and Seungmin has actually walked in on Jisung sitting on the toilet more than once, since Jisung had the bad habit of never locking the door. But Felix hadn’t been one of the members to share those private moments with. Aside from Jisung accompanying him to the bathroom when he was scared, Seungmin doesn’t think anyone has ever been allowed inside his space before. Which was fine. They were all very close friends, but some people are more shy than others, so Seungmin never questioned it. He stayed far away from the bathroom whenever Felix was occupying it and in turn Felix did the same. Maybe that’s why Seungmin feels this underlying shyness in being present while Felix is showering right behind him. It’s not even like he can see something, but just the knowledge that Felix, usually so modest and bashful, was naked right behind him made him feel some type of way.
It didn’t take long for Felix to wrap up his shower. He turns off the water, then opens the door again, releasing steam and the scent of Seungmin’s shampoo. A freckled and wet arm appears. “Towel, please,” Felix said, his fingers stretched out in front of Seungmin, who mumbled something about not being his butler before placing a fresh towel in his hand. And then the rest of his clothes when Felix asked for those too.
Seungmin didn’t assume that a shower would fix everything, but he was sort of hoping that it would leave Felix more relaxed than before. Although, seeing his very pale face and the nervous line of his mouth, it’s obvious that fear was still at the forefront of his mind.
His feet are bare when he steps out of the shower, pants way too long, and it takes Seungmin a moment to realise that the reason is because they’re his and not Felix’s. Then he takes note of the t-shirt that Felix picked, which looks like one of his as well. Maybe the confusion shows on his face, or Felix could just guess what he’s wondering about, because the next moment he ducks his head close to Seungmin’s shoulder again and says, “My room felt too scary to enter, but yours looked cozy and safe.”
Seungmin tries to ignore the answering blush he can feel spread all the way to the back of his neck. “That’s fine,” he mumbles, equally soft, equally bashful. He places a hand right against Felix’s shoulder blade and feels the bone shift beneath his skin as some of the tension trickles from Felix’s body. And then, because he can’t help himself, he asks, “Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?” As expected Felix nods, with the most pitiful pout to his lips. The next moment he’s attached to Seungmin’s side like a very clingy octopus, which admittedly makes it a little hard to move. With the way Seungmin can still feel him tremble against his body, asking to walk on his own seems like an impossible feat.
Right before they’re about to reach Seungmin’s room, Felix pauses, head turning back towards where the dark and open space of the kitchen and the entrance lie. No doubt a terrifying and oppressive force to him. For a moment Seungmin thinks he may have heard something and tries to tug him along, only for Felix to remain stubbornly rooted to the spot.
“Do you think dolls can become evil and try to enact revenge if you aren’t nice to them?” Felix asks suddenly. If this were anyone else, Seungmin thinks this would have been the moment where he would feel a headache setting in. Why it’s different when it comes to Felix and his needs and whims, he’s not sure. Seungmin only knows that since very early on, taking care of Felix had always come easily. Wanting to keep him happy and content and safe has always felt natural.
That’s why he indulges the question with a neutral, “What do you mean?”
Felix turns back towards him with those pinched brows and imploring eyes. “Can you grab the bag I left at the entrance?” And wielding those same eyes and pursed lips as a weapon, he tacks on a sweet little, “Please?”
Seungmin does. Without as much as a sigh.
He hands the bag over to Felix who doesn’t open it until the door to Seungmin’s room is not only closed, but also locked, all lights on, even though it’s far too late for that and the brightness is uncomfortable. Then Felix finally sits on Seungmin’s bed and empties the contents of the bag in front of him. A headless bunny plush and a lot of cotton sit quite morbidly on his light green covers. Seungmin blinks down at it, then meets Felix’s worried gaze.
“Did a dog rip your new toy, or…?”
“I did this,” Felix confesses, like he’s admitting to some great sin. Seungmin asks him what he means. “At the podcast, when they were telling ghost stories. I kept fiddling with it and then,” he recreates the gesture of ripping something apart in front of his chest, “like this.” From the way that he’s sitting it’s obvious that he feels bad about it; bad enough to have taken the plushie with him instead of just throwing it away. Maybe because he thinks the rabbit could come back to haunt him or maybe it’s just his gentle nature. Because when Felix looks away and goes to pick the rabbit up, his hands are careful and delicate. He runs his thumbs over the leftover material of what was once the rabbit's head, then goes to pick up the cotton that keeps spilling out of the plushie, kneading it a little bit like a baby cat would. “Do you think it’s fixable?”
Seungmin’s first impulse is to say ‘no’. The flaps of fabric look like they’re barely hanging on and the material looks rather flimsy, but when Felix looks up at him, from beneath his lashes, face round and soft and looking much more youthful without his makeup on, Seungmin finds himself lying right through his teeth. “Yeah, I think so. We can probably get some scraps of fabric and stuff it again.” The answering smile that Felix sends him is probably worth the trouble he will have to go through to frankenstein the rabbit together.
Now in slightly better spirits, Felix can be convinced to put the plushie back inside the bag and leave it on Seungmin’s desk, where he promises to keep an eye on it and also definitely fix it somehow, somewhen. Seungmin isn’t sure how his promise alone seems to carry enough weight that Felix gives up on the notion of the doll coming back to haunt him, but feels quite touched that it does. Not that he would point that out. And not that Felix would mind if he did. Felix has always been very open and honest about his affection towards Seungmin — from the many compliments he gives as easily as breathing, to the quiet moments, where it’s just his smile and the softness of his eyes that radiate pure joy, simply because Seungmin made a joke, or because he smiled at him. Seungmin has known for a long time that Felix loves him, but the intensity of it never fails to turn him shy.
Maybe that’s why, instead of slipping under the covers next to Felix, Seungmin walks over to his mirror and grabs the dog plushie he has been keeping around all those years. It’s mostly decoration and a surprising sense of sentimentality; Seungmin isn’t someone who keeps toys on his bed or enjoys cuddling them, but he knows that Felix is.
“Here,” he offers the dog as he gets into bed and, as expected, Felix reaches for it almost immediately. “Daengmo will help keep you safe.” As he lies down and turns, trying to get comfortable, he sees Felix press the dog against his chest, carefully tucking its face right under his little chin. Affection rises soft and warm in Seungmin’s chest; a feeling as light as the tufts of cotton that had spilled out of that destroyed rabbit toy. He hopes it doesn’t show on his face and uses the remote to turn the overhead light off, leaving only the lamp in the corner to illuminate the room. The light is much softer and much more forgiving, which is the only reason why Seungmin dares turn his body to face Felix, who has already been staring at him. There’s an almost awkward moment where they’re just looking at each other, lying much too close and in such a heavy silence that Seungmin can clearly hear the pattern of his own heartbeat and the somewhat quick breaths that Felix is taking.
“Seungmin,” Felix starts and only receives a questioning hum in return. Instead of saying anything more, he just grins, an almost sheepish sort of smile. Then wiggles closer, tugs on Seungmin’s wrist, pulling his arm around himself and settling pressed almost intimately close against Seungmin’s chest. Felix has tucked himself right under his chin in a similar fashion as the plushie that still rests pressed between them, with his arm firmly wound around Seungmin’s waist and his nose exhaling a long breath against Seungmin’s collarbones. For another moment, Seungmin remains stiff and slack. He has gotten used to some degree of closeness, the way anyone would have to, having lived with Felix for this long, but cuddling this close while lying in bed is a first. Seungmin tries to tell himself that it’s because Felix is scared and he promised to protect him from the ghosts that he hugs back and holds Felix close. He also tells himself that it’s for the same reason that he throws a leg across both of Felix’s and rubs a hand soothingly against the lower part of his spine. In a moment that could be only his imagination or maybe oversensitivity from having him pressed so close, Seungmin swears he can feel Felix’s lips press a kiss against his skin, right before he feels the softest whisper of, “Thank you.”
He fights a shiver and what feels like champagne bubbles that are trapped somewhere between his ribs, when he asks, “What for?”
But Felix just hums a noncommittal sound, like it really doesn’t matter at all what he’s thanking him for. He exhales again, somehow even deeper than before, his chest expanding and falling under Seungmin’s heavy arm. Silence settles between them.
Despite thinking that it would be impossible to fall asleep with another, very warm body against his, Seungmin is out like a light within minutes.
In the morning, they wake up the exact same way they fell asleep. Despite feeling embarrassed enough about it that Seungmin can actually feel the blush that refuses to leave his face, as soon as he sees Felix wake up looking well rested and content, he immediately offers his bed up for as long as Felix will need it. And to nobody's surprise, Felix says immediately agrees, his smile bright enough to rival the early morning sun.