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The house was quiet when he softly closed the front door. The only sound was the low humming from the dishwasher in the kitchen.
There were times he used to hate these moments the most. Coming home after a long shift to a silent, empty home. Sure, he could faceplant in his bed, starfish and sleep for the next 10 hours without anyone caring, but he would always miss the warmth of coming home to someone. Even if that someone was already sleeping by the time he would come home.
The first few times after they’d started dating, he would come home after a long shift, tired and ready to hit the hay, and find Evan curled up on his side of the bed, fast asleep. In those moments, he would carefully crawl under the covers, cuddling up to his soft, warm, sleepy boyfriend and he would think back to those lonely days, counting his lucky stars.
The first time he came home late from a shift after the break-up and had to climb into his cold and empty bed, he had despised himself a little more.
Now he toed off his shoes in the hallway, placing them on the rack next to a pair of New Balance sneakers and their tiny matching twins. He made a detour to the laundry room to dump his duffel and told himself he would get the dirty clothes out tomorrow.
Right now there’s only one thing he wanted. Sleep.
His shift should’ve ended 4 hours ago, but a massive call sent his already taxing 36-hour shift into overtime and he was ready to just nod off for the next 8 hours at least.
He yawned so big his jaw let out a crack, and shuffled through the hallway on his socked feet in the direction of his bedroom. He’d already showered at the station, so the only thing he had to do was change into some sleep clothes and crawl into bed.
He couldn’t help his smile as he carefully pushed open the bedroom door and leaned against the doorpost.
Evan was sprawled out on his side of the bed, mouth open, softly snoring and no doubt drooling all over his pillow. It shouldn’t be as endearing as Tommy thought it was. But even more endearing was the little figure next to him, sprawled out on his tummy in the middle of the bed, mouth ajar, a bird's nest of curls on his head, goose stuffy clutched tightly in his little fist.
Tommy needed a second just to take in this beautiful sight. He had dreamed of this, of a family, of belonging. But never in his wildest dreams had he dared to hope he would one day have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son he loved more than life itself.
Tommy had never really seen himself as a father.
How could he be a dad when his own fucked him up so bad he had to run away to another continent and fight in a war that wasn’t his to fight? Besides, there was the gigantic rainbow elephant in the room that he tried to suppress for most of his life. He lied to himself for years, dated women and tried to create that picture-perfect image of what his life was supposed to look like.
The topic of conversation had come up a few times when he was dating Abbey. Of course it had. At times he had been ready to spend the rest of his life living this lie, loving Abbey but never in the way he should, and never in the way she deserved. Because the alternative was unthinkable. But he’d always been secretly relieved that Abbey never really seemed interested in having kids. To live a lie himself was one thing, including a child in that lie of a life had seemed downright cruel.
When he finally stopped lying to himself, broke things off with Abbey and came out, he had never thought children were even in the realm of possibilities, regardless of the question of whether he wanted it or not.
So no, Tommy had never really seen himself as a dad.
Until Evan.
Very early on, maybe too early, Tommy had realised Evan was it for him. A realisation that came with both surprising clarity and absolute dread. Because at some point that veil of the perfect, patient first boyfriend he had tried so hard to maintain during the first six months would fall, and Evan would find out that Tommy wasn’t that confident, self-assured man he thought he was but instead had a shitload of baggage and trauma and insecurities. And the moment Evan would realise that, was the moment Evan would destroy Tommy, because he knew he wouldn’t survive that heartbreak. So instead he decided to take matters into his own hands and nuke his own life before Evan could do it.
Self-preservation had never been his strong suit.
But somehow, against all the odds, they made their way back to each other. And as cliché as it was, they’d build their relationship back up ten times stronger than before.
Not only was Evan the first partner Tommy realised was it for him, he was also the first partner Tommy could envision having children with. He’d always known Evan was amazing with children. You’d only have to spend 5 minutes in the vicinity of Evan with the 118 kids to know that. But it wasn’t just family, Evan was amazing with kids on calls as well. As much as he hated Howie’s joke that Evan was good with kids because he was one giant kid himself, Tommy couldn’t deny that Evan had a gift with children.
So before the topic was ever brought up between them, Tommy knew Evan wanted to be a dad more than anything. He had never met someone who was so naturally made to be a father. But Tommy hadn’t realised how much he wanted it too until one late afternoon in September, watching Evan and his baby nephew. It was far from the first time seeing Evan with a baby, but something about watching little Robbie giggle endlessly as Evan tickled him and blew wet raspberries onto his tummy caused one single thought to take over his entire brain:
‘Oh God, I want him to be the father of my children’.
And that was that.
This thought came with a surprising amount of clarity and peace, as well as an arousing and primal, yet biologically challenging, need to put a baby in Evan. (Not that it had stopped him from trying when they came home that evening, but that’s neither here nor there)
It should have scared him. Never before in his life, in previous relationships, had he felt the desire to be a father. But with Evan? With Evan, he wanted the white-picket-fence life, with the house and the dog and the 2.5 children, the whole nine yards.
So they talked about their future together, and explored their options, and two-and-a-half years ago, Matteo “Theo” Robert Buckley-Kinard came into their lives. All tiny, pink and wrinkly, screaming lungs full, and oh so very welcome.
That isn’t to say Tommy hadn’t been scared to fuck it all up, scared of becoming like his own father. He still was sometimes. But the moment his son was placed in his arms for the first time, he felt a love he’d never experienced before in his life, and he knew from that moment on he would never be the same.
A chilly draft coming from the hallway pulled Tommy from his thoughts, goosebumps littering his skin. He quickly changed into some sleep clothes and brushed his teeth, the exhaustion from the past two days tugging at his limbs. His side of the bed was calling him, but first he made his way over to the other side of the bed, sat down without jostling the mattress too much, gently carding his fingers through Evan's curls, lightly scratching his nails along his scalp. After a few seconds, the soft snores stopped and Evan let out a content hum, stretching a little, before opening his eyes blearily.
“Hey, you,” Evan murmured. “Made it home safe?”
“Hmm, hey.” He’d never looked more beautiful to Tommy, eyes half closed, pillow creases on his cheekbone, and his curls standing out in every direction. With the hand not buried in Evan’s mop of curls, he cupped his cheek, thumb rubbing one of the creases, and he leaned down to kiss him. It was just a soft kiss, a brief touch of their lips, like a warm welcome, a way to say “I’m home”. Evan’s lips soft and plump, as he sighed into the kiss, capturing Tommy’s bottom lip, sucking lightly and Tommy had to remind himself their kid was right there before he could think about deepening the kiss. Reluctantly, he pulled away.
“Sorry I didn’t text, got called in at the last hour, pretty big one that went on forever.” Usually, they always tried to let the other know when a shift was running late, but this time Tommy hadn’t even had time for that.
“I suspected something like that when you stopped responding to my texts.” Tommy continued carding his fingers through Evan’s hair, lightly scratching his scalp and earning himself another pleased sigh. “Busy night?”
Tommy hummed. “Busy shift, maxed out my flight hours for the month as well so I’ll probably have to fill in with ground crew next shift, that’ll be fun.” The last few words got lost in another jaw-cracking yawn.
Evan chuckled. “Tired?”
Tommy just nodded, eyes closing briefly.
“This is a nice surprise though. What’s this little monkey doing in our bed?” He gently brushed back some astray curls from Theo’s forehead, subconsciously checking his temperature. He was warm, Tommy noted, but the usual sleep-warm, thankfully not fever-warm.
“Hmm, we had a bit of a rough night again tonight.” Evan sat up slightly, leaning back against the headboard. “He really missed his Papa and was a bit upset when he didn’t have his usual good night call either.”
It’s only then that Tommy noticed the dried tear tracks on Theo’s cheeks and he frowned. Lately, Theo had been particularly clingy, going through what Tommy assumed was one of the many developmental phases mentioned in one of the many parenthood books Evan had read. This manifested itself in some hefty separation anxiety. They were both sure it was just another phase they had to ride out, but that didn’t mean it broke Tommy’s heart any less.
Leaving for work these days, whether it was him or Evan, or leaving Theo with whoever was babysitting him that time, more often than not resulted in Theo sobbing, clinging to whatever limb he could grasp and getting so distressed he nearly made himself sick. Weirdly enough the whole ordeal often started again around his bedtime, as if only then he remembered they were missing from his usual bedtime routine.
In the past weeks, they’d started calling in the evening if one of them was on shift, as part of Theo’s bedtime routine, and that had seemed to help a bit. The only problem was the complete unpredictability of their work, which meant that they didn’t always have the time to call.
Like this evening.
Guilt started to bubble up but before he could start to apologise, Evan stopped him with a hand on his arm and a soft smile. “Don’t feel guilty, you were on a call. Besides, he’s been feeling pretty poorly in general tonight, I think his last baby molars are coming through.”
“Poor kid.” Tommy gently stroked the chubby cheek. The corner of his mouth curled when he noticed Theo clenching and unclenching his little fists, something he’d done in his sleep since he was a baby. Evan joked that he took after his dad, practising his dough-kneading skills. Tommy just thought it was adorable and kinda like a little kitten making airbiscuits.
Evan rubbed Theo’s back. “He really tried to stay up and wait till you came home, but he crashed around ten. I tried to put him in his own bed a few times, but that only resulted in more over-exhausted meltdowns.” Evan shrugged. “So eventually I gave up and let him sleep here.”
“We can let him sleep with us for one night, right?” Tommy found that he didn’t actually mind. He knew he was probably going to regret it when he woke up from little toddler feet and pointy elbows sticking in his ribs, but right now he couldn’t remember the last time all three of them were snuggled up in bed together and he missed it.
He rounded the bed and tried his best to crawl under the covers without disturbing their kid, but Theo already shifted and let out a sleepy whimper as soon as the cold air that came in reached him.
He pushed himself up and blearily blinked at him with a small frown, rubbing his tired eyes with the fist not holding Goose in a deathgrip. “Papa?”
Tommy placed a featherlight kiss on top of his son’s messy curls. “Hey Bug, go back to sleep.”
The sleepy confusion was visible and the bottom lip started quivering. “Papa… go?” His breath caught in that tiny stutter that always came before tears. “You… you go leave?”
Evan shifted a little closer behind Theo, his hand coming to rest softly on their son’s back. His voice was a gentle murmur. “Hey, sweetheart… Papa’s here now.”
Tommy’s heart twisted and he shifted closer too, curling an arm around Theo’s small frame. “Hey, hey. I’m right here,” he whispered into the curls. “I didn’t leave you, baby, I just had to work.”
But… you go work… you go…” Theo’s voice cracked, and a hiccup slipped out, his fingers curled tighter around Goose, little fist trembling. “You… not say goodnight.”
Tommy’s heart twisted even further. He brushed a thumb under the little tear crusts still clinging to Theo’s skin. “I know, I’m sorry. Work took a long time tonight.”
Beside them, Evan added softly, “you did your best waiting up, Bug. But you were so tired.” His thumb ran soothing circles along Theo’s spine.
Theo shook his head, letting out a tiny, broken breath, his eyes filling again. “Thought you… no come back.”
Evan’s face tightened with a worried frown, and Tommy knew exactly how he was feeling because he was feeling it too. There were very few things worse than seeing your child so upset.
“Oh, buddy” Tommy gathered him close, feeling the soft, hiccupy breaths against his chest. “I know, I know you were scared. I’m so sorry I couldn’t say goodnight to you. But I didn’t leave you, not really. Sometimes Papa has to go help other people, but I always come back to you. Every time.”
Theo clung a little tighter, his tears dampening Tommy’s shirt. Another hiccup escaped, followed by a tiny, exhausted sigh. “Always?”
“Listen,” Tommy whispered, tightening his arms around Theo as one hand reached blindly across the mattress to find Evan’s. Evan laced their fingers together immediately. “Daddy and I can’t always be with you, Theo, but I will always try my absolute best to come home to you and Daddy. Even if I have to be away for a little while, I’ll come back to you.”
His son’s voice was muffled against his chest. “Promise?”
“Promise.” Tommy pressed another kiss on Theo’s curls, holding him for a moment, the sweet strawberry scent from his son’s shampoo mingling with that sweet sleepy smell.
Theo pulled back and looked up at him with his big, blue eyes, filled with tears. Like this he was the spitting image of his dad, Tommy thought, already nailing those Buckley puppy eyes. “Miss you… so much…”
God, Tommy could’ve sworn he felt his heart break and he wanted to cry.
“I missed you too, Bug.” He whispered, rubbing circles on his back. “But I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere tonight.”
Theo yawned, eyes drooping, and mumbled, “Papa… stay?”
“I’m staying, right here.” He carefully laid Theo back down between them, tucking him in and pressing one last kiss on his forehead. “Daddy’s here, Papa’s here, you’re safe, baby, you can go back to sleep.”
As soon as Tommy lay down as well, Theo snuggled into his chest, one fist still holding Goose, the other clutching Tommy’s shirt tightly. A sleepy sigh told Tommy he was already nearly asleep again.
Evan caught his eye over their son’s curls. “See?” he whispered. “He’s okay. He just needed you.” There was still a faint shimmer of worry in his eyes, the kind that only settled once Theo was truly asleep.
Tommy let his thumb drift over Theo’s back in slow, steady strokes. “Still breaks my heart.” he sighed.
“Hey.” Tommy’s eyes shot back to Evan’s, who offered him the softest smile. “I love you.”
Tommy grinned and pressed a kiss to the back of Evan’s hand, their fingers still intertwined. “I love you, too.”
As he drifted off to sleep, Tommy thought back to those days when he would come home to a cold and empty house, and once again thanked his lucky stars.
He may have had a long and tiring shift and he’ll probably won’t get the amount of sleep he would’ve preferred, Theo was guaranteed to wake them up at the crack of dawn, if Tommy didn’t wake first from a couple of feet in his stomach or the snoring of his husband, but he had both his boys close, warm and safe and breathing beside him.
He had a family to come home to. What else was there to want?