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A heart that still beats, can never be forgotten.
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Naruto Uzumaki has not had an easy life by any means.
It goes like this: from the moment Naruto Uzumaki opens his eyes, he is met with nothing but hatred and putrid stares that seem to pierce through his soul. Feared by children and despised by adults, he never finds himself anything but isolated and alone. In the darkest corners of the playground, he begins to feel his gut-wrenching loneliness collapse his soul and and tear him apart until nothing but sorrow remains.
Despite so many children living in the orphanage thanks to the Nine-Tails attack, Naruto can’t seem to find anything but the pit of gut-wrenching hunger in his stomach to keep him company. No matter where he goes, he can’t seem to find a single person who doesn’t treat him with any animosity, from disturbed kids to perturbed lunch ladies who refuse to serve a demon like him any sort of food.
It’s how he comes to love ramen so. As the only edible food he can afford with jacked-up prices from villagers, ramen quickly engrains itself into Naruto’s daily life as one of the only comforts he has ever known.
His increastingly insatiable desire for ramen is also what drew him to discovering Ichiraku’s- a place not only home to the most mouthwatering food Naruto had ever tasted, but also to Teuchi and Ayame, who were the first people in Naruto’s life to show him any kindness at all.
Not only did the old man and his daughter keep the prices the same for Naruto, they also occasionally gave him tickets for free ramen when he was running low on cash.
Naruto thought that they could’ve possibly the nicest people in the world, but that wasn’t saying much considering the only other person who didn’t want his head on a stick was Jiji, also known as the Hokage to most. And although Jiji was nice enough, even a young, oblivious, Naruto could see that there was a deep sadness and reservation in his eyes whenever he talked to the young boy.
Even though Naruto is glad to have Jiji to check up on him at the orphanage, he felt significantly happier to know that the old man and Ayame were in his corner too.
It goes like this, Naruto turns five years old, and for his birthday, is swiftly kicked out of the orphanage to live on the streets. Though disappointed, he can’t help but feel not surprised once it happens. Long healed bruises and scratches had proved that it had been a long time coming. A few days later, Jiji sets him up with a dingy apartment in the dead center of the red light district, and even when Jiji apologizes and says it was the only place he could find, Naurto only found that he was glad to be out of-- what some of the other kids would have called-- that shithole of an orphanage.
His lonliness doesn’t subside in this time, but without the other children there to play and flaunt their friendships right in front of him, his loneliness turns into something much more muted and oppressing rather than chaotic and unabashed as it once was.
By all technical accounts, his life had improved after being kicked out, even if marginally, but Naruto couldn’t help but feel that something inside him was wrong or missing. He toys with the idea that all the hatred he experienced inside and outside of the orphanage had broke him, and had robbed him of any sense of normality he could have possibly felt before it.
He doesn’t entertain the thought long though, because when he does he gets all sad and teary, and Naruto hates when he gets sad and teary. At any rate, Naruto had also been enrolled into the Ninja Academy by Jiji and would be starting the next week, so he figured he wouldn’t have much more time to sulk about that kind of stuff anyways.
It goes like this: Naruto is tired, and he has been for a while. The academy only proved to be yet another place that he felt distanced and isolated from, except this time, he had the added bonus of giving everybody around him another excuse to berate him by being dead-last in his class. Even though the hitting had stopped, the hushed whispers and disapointed glares of the kids and adults alike still constantly put him on the verge of bursting into tears.
But Naruto… is still so tired. Tired of the tears, and tired of the burning ache of rejection that scratched beneath his sternum. So, he makes a choice. Instead of letting the deepest parts of his psyche eat away at him until there’s nothing left, he starts to pretend. He pretends that he’s an optimistic, happy-go-lucky kid who would never let anything get him down. He plasters shit-eating grins onto his face and pulls the most ridiculous pranks he can think of to even get an ounce of attention from the adults, because if no one wants to look at Naruto normally, he’ll just have to force them to look anyways.
Fake it ‘till you make it! Right?
For a while, it almost seems like Naruto’s convinced himself he is that child he pretends to be. The chaotic idoit who only got depressed when Ichiraku’s ran out of his favorite flavor, and who never seemed to let the harsh words of those around him faze him.
What he’ll never admit to himself though, is that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t shake the inescapable emptiness that once crawled into Naruto’s heart and had refused to leave since. That no matter what he did or how hard he pretended, the ache for true understanding and love was an itch that Naruto would never be able to fully scratch.
It goes like this: Mizuki promises Naruto that if he steals the scroll and learns a jutsu, he’ll be able to pass the exam and become a genin once and for all. Naruto wanted to face palm at how stupid he’d been to believe him. But, when he remembered the way Mizuki spoke to him, his heart ached with understanding for his mistake. He’d never heard somebody have so much confidence in him his entire life. He was drunk off of the praise Mizuki’d given to him, and felt ready to prove himself with no questions asked.
Now, fighting with Iruka to make sure Mizuki didn’t steal the scroll, Naruto felt embarrassed at how vulnerable to manipulation his loneliness makes him. He internally scolded the him of a few hours ago that he shouldn’t have trusted so blindly.
And just when he thought his night couldn’t get any more depressing, Mizuki dropped the biggest bombshell of all time.
The reason everyone in Konoha hated him is because he is the Jinkuriki to the Nine-Tailed fox that killed hundreds and nearly destroyed the village twelve years prior.
And oh… wow. To Naruto, that actually made-- a lot of sense.
He figures any normal person would have a stronger reaction to that kind of information-- denial, anger, sadness, etc. but Naruto had long since established himself as not a normal person. He’d grown up knowing he was hated, but never knowing why. And while coming up with hypotheticals in the dead of night had been an alright hobby of his, he intrinsically knew that whatever drove them away was something darker and and more disturbing than he could have ever imagined.
And despite the depressing tone, to have that feeling validated by learning he was a jinchuriki was almost… relieving, in a sense. He wasn’t crazy for thinking that there was a true biological difference between him and them, and he wasn’t crazy for thinking that the villagers had to hate him for some reason, even if it was a poor one.
It didn’t exactly cover the realization that there was a living, breathing weapon of mass destruction sealed inside of him, but at the very least he got some relief out of learning what he was.
Naruto tried to hate the fox inside of him, but by that point he’d also learnt what it felt like to be a monster.
It goes like this: for the first time in Naruto’s entire life he has friends. Sure, Sakura had always been a bright presence in his life, fiery spirit and beautiful looks enough to attract his attention for years on end, but talking to her like a real person was something else entirely. It made him feel just a little bit more whole, even if just a bit. But somehow it wasn’t his friendship with Sakura that surprised Naruto the most— it was also his newfound friendship with Sasuke Uchiha. He’d always act abrasive towards him to keep up appearances as the class idiot, but deep down he knew that out of all the kids at the academy, he understood Naruto the most.
When he was younger and fresh to the academy, Naruto had always felt pulled in some way to form a connection with him. The massacre had changed him, and it seemed Naruto was the only one who understood how deep his pain ran. For all that he wanted it though, Naruto knew he knew better. He’d long since accepted by that point that he just wasn’t made for connections, not like normal people were, so there was no use in trying. And even though Sasuke wasn’t particularly nice to him at the academy, he couldn’t help but gleam that the one person who could potentially understand him was acknowledging him. Much like Sakura, it helped a part of his soul feel whole again and not just like an empty shell of what it could’ve been if he hadn’t been born a monster.
In return for their affection, Naruto protects them. He protects them when they’re ambushed in the Land of the Waves— willing to die for them right there and then. Willing to protect them at the Chunin Exams and let Gaara beat and berate him until he too becomes his friend. He protects them, so they can get stronger. Because God knows Sasuke needs strength to make him feel whole again. To kill Itachi Uchiha.
Naruto doesn’t need to tell Sasuke that he’s made this contract with him, because he can see it in the way Sasuke subtly protects Naruto that he already knows. What they had with each other was palpable, to themselves and to anyone who observed them for long enough. Naruto prayed for any sort of connection for his entire life. And when it was given to him, it was given to him ripe with loyalty and acceptance. At least, that’s what he thought it was until he left. Sasuke’s departure from the Leaf, from him, hit him with the force of a ton of bricks. Sasuke leaves, and he takes a part of Naruto that made him feel whole. The part that felt like it finally belonged somewhere. Without it, Naruto feels himself start to regress back to the same old lonely boy he’d always been.
It goes like this. Naruto is willing to do anything to get Sasuke back. He sees that everyone around doesn’t believe him, but he ignores them. They didn’t understand Sasuke like Naruto did. They didn’t understand that nobody knew Naruto like Sasuke did, and that he wouldn’t just abandon Naruto for no reason. He starts training with Jiraya in the meantime to strengthen himself. To keep up with Sasuke, so that when he came back, he wouldn’t have fallen behind, and that he’d have the power to bring him back in the first place.
Months go by like that. The same mantra repeating in his head over and over like a broken record. I’ll bring Sasuke back. I know I can. I’ll bring Sasuke back. I know I can. The more he trains with Jiraya, the more he learns about the tailed beasts and their connection to the Akatsuki. It doesn’t go past Naruto that the day Itachi and his partner came to capture him, Sasuke was furious with his brother that he was more invested in him than he was Sasuke, and that this was the reason why. Naruto was not only a monster. He was a dangerous monster. The most powerful of the Bijuu of the nine lay just beneath the seal on his skin, anxious to escape and with a burning hatred directed at the Leaf. But what he’d never tell Jiraya was that no matter how angry or dangerous the Kyubi might be, Naruto can’t bring himself to hate him.
When he first heard Jiraya mention the other tailed beasts, Naruto knows it’s no coincidence that he feels an almost wave of sadness wash over him. It’s subtle, but the moment he feels it, Naruto knows those emotions are not his own. The occurrence opens him up to the idea of the Kyuubi. He’d gone through all different ideas about how he felt about him, but upon the realization that he could not only feel emotions, but sadness and grief for that matter is what truly got Naruto to understand the Kyuubi. It’s what causes him to approach the fox with quiet acceptance rather than the harsh bashfulness he’s used to presenting when he plummets off the cliff and falls into the sewer to finally meet the fox. He’s hesitant and distrustful much like Naruto, but he offers his power to him regardless, allowing him to summon Gamma Bunta.
After hours of pushing through Gamma Bunta’s test, he finally cracks and passes out. He’s exhausted and worn out, but when he finds himself in the sewer again, he can’t help himself but be grateful. He stands up and turns around to the Kyuubi staring intensely at him when he meets his eyes. He scans Naruto up and down, assessing him, and lets out a heavy gruff.
“If you seek my powers for the reasons you’ve presented to me, then I will grant you such access, but not without price. You must seek out my brothers and sisters and reunite us once more. If you do that, then I will provide you with my chakra.”
…It goes like this. Naruto learns that Kyuubi’s name isn’t actually ‘The Kyuubi’, but Kurama. Naruto learns his name, and a sturdy companionship builds itself after it, albeit painfully slow. Although they don’t feel whole, they begin to move and think in synchronicity. An acknowledgment of their mutual emptiness and grief. Sasuke is still out there. Gone after having abandoned Naruto, and Kurama sits in the sewers of Naruto’s seals with the longing of his siblings hanging over him ever oppressively. The pain does not leave. It does not subside, but with the quiet, reassuring presence of the other, Naruto might think it makes it a little bit easier to cope with.
It goes like this.
“There can be no hate between those who share the same pain.”