Work Text:
STAVE ONE: The Blue Jay
Jungkook was dead…tired.
And the last thing he wanted was to be dragged out to do Christmas shopping on his only day off.
The current situation felt like a hostage crisis.
And he was having a lot of trouble hiding his discontent from Taehyung.
“I promise we won’t be much longer,” Taehyung reassured him as he pulled into the overcrowded mall parking lot just barely dodging another driver trying to exit. “It’s just that a few of these sales are too good to pass up and I’m so behind on my shopping with just a little over a week until Christmas.”
Jungkook thought about his own list of gifts to buy. It wasn’t even a fraction as long as Taehyung’s. And really the only name that mattered was the new one that hadn’t been there last Christmas.
He had met Taehyung at the New Years Eve party of a mutual acquaintance. He was bright and sparkled much like the Christmas lights were still hanging at their host’s house. Jungkook couldn’t take his eyes off of him and his vibrancy.
Their immediate connection was proof that opposites attract.
Taehyung had teased him about his lack of holiday spirit and cheer. Mocking him by crossing his arm, furrowing his brow, and grumbling bah-humbug. But he had made Jungkook laugh like he hadn’t in a very long time and that cinched the deal for a first date.
That date turned into many more and by Valentine’s Day they officially decided to be exclusive, even though they had technically been that way from the start.
When Taehyung’s lease was set to expire in mid November, they had decided that even though it probably would have been more prudent to wait until they had been in a relationship or at least known each other a whole year before moving in together, it still made more sense for Taehyung to move into Jungkook’s apartment.
Jungkoook worked a nightshift job. Taehyung worked a dayshift. Living together meant that it would be easier to see each other more as they wouldn’t have to schedule time in order to see each other. And cohabitating meant that they could spend whatever precious moments they had in their downtime, together.
In theory it had sounded like a good idea, but adjusting to a shared apartment hadn’t been all that easy. Little differences suddenly weren’t so little. And even though Taehyung often tried to address or work through any issues, Jungkook was always too tired to talk about or just couldn’t be bothered.
When they lived apart and were forced to schedule time together, although it hadn’t been as much as they would have liked, at least they had been each at their best.
Living together meant seeing each other all the time. Both the good and the ugly. The carefree days as well as the bad ones.
For Jungkook, shopping in the mall during the holiday season was a bad day.
However, he’d agreed to come along when Taehyung sweetly begged and promised they’d go out for a steak dinner afterwards
Jungkook had deliberated in his head how he could get the steak dinner without having to go shopping, but in the end he hated seeing Taehyung disappointed. And the past few weeks had been challenging with Taehyung’s job stress and his own work schedule.
They needed this time together. It was just that going to crowded shopping centers wasn’t Jungkook’s ideal way to spend a winter afternoon.
“This is madness!” he looked around at all the cars. “I swear everyone in the whole damn city is here today!”
“Oh it’s not that bad,” Taehyung waved his hand as they exited the car. “Oh smell that,” he inhaled deeply. “Someone is roasting chestnuts. Doesn’t Christmas just smell different than any other time of year?”
Jungkook huffed.
“Let’s go get some! We can get warm!” Taehyung said cheerfully.
A bitterly cold wind slapped Jungkook’s cheek. Stinging. “Chestnuts?” He scoffed. “I hardly think that’s going to help. It’s fucking cold!”
Taehyung just linked his arm through Jungkook’s. His rosy cheeks highlighting his boxy grin. “Of course it is! It’s Christmas!”
Despite Taehyung’s repeated assurances that they were “almost done”, the trip to the shopping center ended up being longer than Jungkook wanted. Much longer.
And as much as Jungkook tried to be patient, he couldn’t help but get increasingly more irritated with each passing moment.
Every time Taehyung lingered at a store or took a while to decide what color of scarf to buy as a gift for the mailman. Or if they should go totally “old school” and make him cookies.
When Jungkook snapped, “Let’s just give him a gift card or some cash like any normal person would!” – Taehyung didn’t get mad, but he didn’t laugh either.
On the way out of the shopping center, they passed a group of carolers ringing a bell and holding a bucket for charitable donations.
Taehyung had stopped and reached into his pocket pulling out his wallet. Before he could even get it open, Jungkook placed his hand over his and shook his head.
“What?” Taehyung had questioned. He truly looked confused.
“I’ll explain later,” Jungkook hissed.
Taehyung shook his head and pulled his hand away as he resumed opening the wallet.
“Fine, here let me.” Jungkook scowled as he pulled a few coins from his jacket pocket and tossed them into the bucket. “Now can we hurry up and get to the car please? It’s freezing.”
Taehyung put his wallet back and didn’t argue. When they got back to the car, Jungkook explained that he’d just seen a story in the news about how the administrative costs and salaries eat up most of the donations during the season and they never really get to the people who need the help. Taehyung agreed he had seen something like that, but didn’t believe this particular charity was one of those discussed.
Jungkook insisted that it was. And even if it wasn’t, he argued that all charities were guilty of the same or similar. And that if other people wanted to have nice things at Christmas then they should work hard too insteading of expecting a handout.
Taehyung just shook his head and looked out the window. They drove in silence to the restaurant.
At dinner, Jungkook found that he was in too foul of a mood to enjoy his steak. Taehyung chattered away about Christmas cards and parties they’d been invited to. Jungkook nodded absentmindedly. Occasionally, asking “are you sure we have to attend that one?”
Later that night, he had just settled down onto the computer. Hoping to get in a little bit of gaming time before bed. Or rather before he tried to go to bed. Having a night off was great, but if he got his sleeping schedule too out of whack he would suffer for it the next night.
Taehyung had disappeared into the bathroom and then reappeared at his side while brushing his teeth.
“I know you’ll probably try to nap tomorrow before work, but do you think we could hang the outside Christmas lights?”
“Why in the world are we going to hang lights outside? We live in an apartment.”
“Can we decorate the balcony?” Taehyung stopped brushing. “They’re pretty. Don’t you like the lights?”
Jungkook grunted.
“Man you weren’t kidding when you said Christmas wasn’t your favorite holiday.”
“Nope. I’ve never been a fan,” Jungkook tried to refocus on his game, but it was impossible with Taehyung talking to him.
“Never? Not even when you were a little kid?”
Jungkook closed the lid on his laptop. “No. Never.” He pushed past Taehyung towards the bathroom. He figured he might as well get ready for bed too if he wasn’t going to be able to play his game in peace.
Grabbing his toothbrush he felt Taehyung walk in behind him. He moved over so they could share the sink.
“I was hoping you were just exaggerating last year when we met during the holidays.” Taehyung swished water in his mouth and spit.
Jungkook leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. “No, if anything I was holding back from letting you know just how much I hated it. Seeing as how you loved it. I didn’t figure you’d be won over by a scrooge.”
Taehyung flipped his head back and laughed raucously. “Oh really? Well I have news for you.” He turned to Jungkook and cozied up to him. Wrapping his arms around his shoulders and clasping them behind his neck.
Jungkook stalled for a moment, but then pulled his crossed arms out from under Taehyung and put his hands on his hips.
“What’s that?” He tilted his head back slightly.
“You aren’t exactly Mr. Sunshine and I still fell in love with you.”
Jungkook kissed the tip of his nose and swatted his ass cheek with his right hand.
“I have to brush and you’re hogging the sink.”
Taehyung laughed and moved to the side.
“Okay, good or bad, just tell me one memory you have of Christmas when you were a kid?”
Jungkook turned on the water and ran his hand underneath.
Good or bad?
Had he really ever had a choice?
“A special gift you got? Or a favorite food? An ornament? A movie? A song?”
He squeezed the toothpaste onto the brush, but stopped before putting it in his mouth.
He did remember one thing. He hadn’t thought of it in years. Maybe even a decade or more.
Thrusting the brush into his mouth, he began to aggressively brush his teeth.
“You thought of something.” Taehyung leaned closer. “I could tell by your eyes.”
Jungkook spit into the sink.
“My grandma.” He ran the toothbrush under the water and stuck it back in his mouth.
“You’ve never spoken of your grandma. Did you spend Christmas with her?”
Jungkook ran the toothbrush roughly around his mouth a few more times. Filled his cupped hand with water, put it to his lips and swished it. He spit once more and put the toothbrush in the holder.
“My grandma had this ornament in her tree. It was like a little silver ball. It plugged into the lights and chirped like a bird.”
“Really?” Taehyung held out the hand towel. “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“Yeah well, now you know all my Christmas memories,” Jungkook wiped his mouth and put the towel back on the bar. He wrapped his arms around Taehyung’s waist and turned him towards the bedroom door. “Let’s head to bed, I’m beat.”
🎄❄️🎁
The next day was even colder. Jungkook had put off stringing the lights on the balcony in the hope that Taehyung would forget.
But of course, he hadn’t. And when he mentioned it a few days later, Jungkook reluctantly put on his coat and headed outside.
The cold temperatures that had plagued their shopping excursion earlier in the week turned sub zero. At least the wind had slowed, but it was of little consolation when it was so damn cold out.
His fingers burned from the cold as he pulled the strand of lights and wove it through the balcony bannister. He thought his hands might have gone numb until the knuckles on his left hand banged against the rod iron.
“Son of a bitch,” he hissed.
Just then Taehyung slid the door open.
“Honey, I said I would do that with you. And you don’t have to do that now. It’s too cold. Come back inside.”
“It’s fine I’d rather do it myself and just get it over with. And when am I going to do it, if not today?”
“The temps are supposed to rise a little tomorrow. It could be a little warmer then?”
He tried to stop the sarcasm from falling out of his mouth but it was too late. “Oh sure, Tae. I just won’t get any sleep tomorrow all from the hope that it might be five degrees warmer and I only get frostbite in three of my fingers instead of all ten.”
In the beginning of their relationship, Taehyung had taken Jungkook’s sarcasm in stride. Often laughing it off or doing something to try to make it better.
Of course, in the beginning, Jungkook responded to those repair attempts.
Now sarcastic comments landed like a knife between them. Creating a jagged gash that as time had gone on had gotten deeper. Jungkook knew that pulling the knife out didn’t heal the cut.
The drop in Taehyung’s smile as he leaned through the sliding glass door was indication that even if the cut healed, there would still be a scar.
“Really, I don’t want you freezing out here. This can wait. Come in and I’ll make us a mug of something warm.”
The lights kept getting stuck. Jungkook groaned as pulled on them.
Hot chocolate. Warm tea. He knew exactly what Taehyung was referring to.
The signature seasonal drinks that everyone gushes over. Sipping from the red, green, silver, and gold mugs with winter scenes while cuddled up together at the fire.
He rolled his eyes. His irritation welled up inside.
At the cliche at first, but it quickly morphed into something more internal.
Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did he see everything about this time of year as kitschy and unnecessary ? Life would be so much easier if he could just enjoy the season, or at the very least not be bothered by it.
Glaring intently at the strand of lights he avoided making eye contact with Taehyung. “Okay, I’ll be in shortly.”
His lowered eyes wandered quickly to the threshold of the doorway where Taehyung’s slippered feet lingered for another few seconds before turning. The sliding glass door gently slid shut.
A part of him had hoped that Taehyung would have just slammed it. Screeched it along the track ending in a dramatic finale as it crashed against the frame. With the impact causing the bannister to vibrate.
But that didn’t happen. It never did when conflict arose. Taehyung always took it in stride. Sought for compromise. Even when he responded with disappointment, it still wasn’t passive aggressive. He didn’t pout or stonewall.
And it made Jungkook feel terrible. So much so that he would have preferred the anger. He would have known what to do with a fight.
He wiggled the last few lights on the strand around the pole and plugged them in. His fingers ached with numbness.
Still he didn’t rush inside. He looked out over the city. All the apartments. The houses in the distance.
Turning to look through the glass door he could see Taehyung busy in the kitchen. Making the Christmas cookies he told Jungkook he hoped they could decorate together.
Closing his eyes, he sighed. Then opened the door and stepped inside to warmth that he couldn’t feel.
🎄❄️🎁
And then it was the day before Christmas.
He had worked the past two nights and usually that would mean he would sleep all through the next day, but he knew he needed to be up for Christmas Eve. After sitting down in front of the television while he ate a bowl of ramen, he had told Taehyung he was just going to lay down for a short nap and he would be up for dinner.
Work had been frustrating, he knew his fuse was short, which is why he should have just gone straight into the bedroom to nap instead of getting into an argument.
It started innocently, but escalated quickly……
“I should be back in plenty of time to make dinner. Except that roast probably should go in a little earlier. Would you be able to put it in the oven at 4:00 if I don’t make it back by then?”
“I told you I was going to nap.”
“Yeah I know, but you said just a short one. So I figured if you laid down now you’d be up by then.”
Jungkook didn’t say anything. His anger boiled. Most wonderful time of the year, my ass he thought to himself.
“Sure, whatever. I guess I’ll set an alarm.” He slammed the remote onto the coffee table.
When he came home he had planned to zone out in front of the television for a bit, but Christmas shows were literally on every channel. And Taehyung had clapped his hands with glee when he saw that one of the clay stop animation specials was on. So he had left it on that channel even though he really didn’t want to.
“Maybe tonight we could drive through the Christmas light display at the park. I’ve been through several times, but you haven’t seen it once yet. And it is so pretty! The lights reflecting on the snow.”
He was mad at himself for being mad at Taehyung, but he didn’t think he could hold his irritation any longer.
“It’s just stupid lights.”
“Yeah, I guess they are kind of stupid, but they’re beautiful and we don’t really have anything else we have to do after dinner.”
“Well if you haven’t noticed, Tae, I’m exhausted, so maybe I’d like to sleep after dinner.”
“I just want to make things nice for you? Make memories together. What would you most like to do?”
“I’d like to be left alone and for you to quit bothering me about all this Christmas bullshit!”
Taehyung’s face registered the hurt this time. And Jungkook had to look away.
“I’ll set an alarm and put the damn roast in the oven, you go off and have a good time with your friends,” he added sarcastically.
“You know you’re welc–”
“No thanks,” Jungkook said as he stomped angrily towards the bedroom. “Just let me take a nap in peace and we’ll do your Christmas crap later.”
As he crossed the threshold he knew he had been far too unkind, but even that thought angered him and so he slammed the bedroom door.
He’d be lucky to fall asleep. He was so damn mad.
It was always so difficult to fall asleep during the day even when he was exhausted and knew that he needed to. The blinds and shades were all drawn and sometimes he even used earplugs to drown out the daytime noise.
But the minute he pulled the shades, a weariness hit him so hard his bones ached.
He changed into some sweatpants and a loose fitting t-shirt and climbed into bed much more tired than he thought he was. In fact, so tired that he was fairly certain he should be able to fall asleep more quickly than usual.
Settling under the covers, he tried to block out the thoughts that began to appear. Thoughts about how cranky he had been with Taehyung. If there was any way he could make it up to him. But at the same time being so ready for the whole Christmas season to end.
At least it was a cloudy afternoon which made the room a little darker. And for the most part, there weren’t any noises outside the window. Sleep felt imminent.
Until… a sharp, loud jeer broke the silence.
That was another of the challenges of sleeping during the day. Occasionally a bird or two would congregate on the ledge outside the window or on the tree just a little further out. They could be quite loud and extremely annoying as they were seemingly unaware that he was trying to get some sleep.
He rolled over to his left side.
Again, the piercing jeer.
As he rolled back to his right he continued the movement, lifting the covers and stumbled out of the bed.
He staggered to the window and pulled the shade. Sure enough, a small blue jay sat on the ledge. He made another piercing jeer as he hopped closer to the glass.
Jungkook thought it was pretty bold of the bird, but he assumed that once he opened the window, it would quickly fly away. Hopefully for long enough that he could get to sleep.
However, when he unlatched and threw open the pane, the blue jay didn’t startle and fly away.
In fact, it cocked its head and hopped through the wedge of space and into the room. Jungkook watched as it bounced from the sill into the top of the chair that sat next to the window.
“Get! Shoo! Go!” Opening the pane wider, he hoped it would hop back to the sill and fly away.
But the little blue jay didn’t move. Instead, it released another shrill jeer.
Great. Now he was going to have to try to get the bird to leave. He called for Taehyung. No answer. He was probably upset. But even still, he usually would answer even if they’d had words.
He tried again. “Taehyung! Come help me get this bird out of the bedroom!”
When he didn’t answer again, it gave him pause. He wasn’t supposed to meet his friends at the cafe for another hour or so. Unless he’d been so upset that he’d left early.
The little bird cocked his head again and opened his beak. Jungkook assumed it was to make its annoying call again.
Only it didn’t.
“He’s busy wrapping gifts,” the bird said matter-of-factly, “with his head phones on.”
Jungkook was beyond exhausted. That much was certain. A talking blue jay didn’t seem that extraordinary when one is sleep deprived.
Taehyung didn’t answer because he had his headphones on. That made sense. He suddenly remembered, a few days ago, how he had complained about Taehyung playing Christmas music in the kitchen while Jungkook was watching television.
“Yes, he’s listening to Christmas music,” the bird confirmed and then let out another squawk making Jungkook cringe.
“Well it isn’t that I mind when he listens to Christmas music, it’s just –”
Another loud squawk stopped him from finishing the sentence.
“I’m not trying to be disagreeable. It’s just all of it. All of the trappings of Christmas. It’s all so fake,” he argued.
“Is happiness fake?” The bird countered.
“No, I guess not,” Jungkook conceded. “And Christmas makes Taehyung happy and I’m glad he has that. But it doesn’t mean I have to be happy at Christmas.“
“Oh, no, no, no,” the blue jay chided. “You don’t have to be happy, but don’t you think you deserve to be happy. Doesn’t everyone deserve a little bit of happiness at this time of year, even those who aren’t fortunate enough to have good jobs?”
Jungkook knew immediately what he was referring to.
“Look it’s not like I’m miserly or stingy. I discouraged Taehyung from putting money in the bucket earlier because those donations often get misused. But that’s just the truth. It isn’t that I don’t want to give.
“Isn’t it?”
“What?” Jungkook furrowed his brow.
“The truth. The truth is that you don’t really want to give.”
“Well, it’s not like we have tons of money ourselves and if the donations aren’t being used properly - then I don’t see -”
“Jungkook,” the blue jay chirped firmly. “Money isn’t the only thing people can be stingy about. And truthfully, it holds no value except that which is assigned to it. You’ve been a miser of another kind.”
“It isn’t that I don’t -”
But the blue jay wouldn’t let him finish.
“This Christmas is a chance for a whole new life.”
“But I don’t want a whole new life,” Jungkook protested. “I like my life the way it is.”
Even as he spoke the words, he knew there was a lie woven within. Yes, he loved Taehyung. He would be devastated if they were ever to part. But there were pieces of discontent that caused him pain. There were pieces of himself that caused him pain.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first will arrive at 1:00pm. They will show you what you cannot see on your own.”
“I don’t want to be visited. I’ve been up for over 24 hours. I am exhausted. Tonight is Christmas Eve. And I need to sleep at least for a while before I have to –”
The blue jay squawked loudly as he began to flap his wings. Lifting himself off the back of the chair.
Jungkook followed as he flew towards the window.
“Come back here,” he demanded. “I don’t have time for this foolishness!”
But the bird didn’t spare him even a parting glance. He flew quickly out the window and disappeared into the gray afternoon sky.
Jungkook watched for a minute. Hoping he might return so that he could negotiate another time for these impending visitors.
But the blue jay was long gone.
STAVE TWO: The First of the Spirits
Closing the window and pulling the shade he returned to his bed and looked at the clock on the nightstand.
12:45pm
He laid back onto his pillow, he sighed.
He couldn’t deny that he had been particularly grumpy for several weeks. It was always the same at this time of year. A part of him had hoped, and maybe even expected, that being with Taehyung instead of being alone would have rescued him from his annual holiday funk.
However, when the season started, Jungkook had found that he was even more sour than usual. He knew it wasn’t Taehyung’s fault. But he didn’t know what to do about it.
He closed his eyes, but didn’t actually expect sleep to come.
And it didn’t.
But as he laid there drafting excuses and rationalizations in his head, something else did.
He suddenly felt the presence of someone standing next to his bed.
He opened his eyes hoping it was Taehyung. But it wasn’t.
Hovering over him was a smiling man with gold hair wearing a blue suit. Jungkook might have been scared if it hadn’t been for the man’s large dimples and smiling eyes.
Instead he sat up in irritation and swung his legs out to the side of the bed.
“Alright,” he huffed. “Let’s get this over with. What is it you’re here to tell me?”
The man laughed gently. “I’m not here to tell you anything. You wouldn’t listen to me anyway.”
“Then what? What are we doing? Because I really need to nap so I won't be in a pissy mood tonight.”
The man’s eyes twinkled with amusement and then widened. “Do you really think one little nap is going to accomplish that?”
Jungkook looked down at the floor and grumbled.
“Let me formally introduce myself,” the dimpled man said with a bow. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past and I am here tonight to show you the things you need to understand.”
“Show?” Jungkook snarled. His patience was shot. In addition to being tired, he was angry. Angry at everything. Christmas. Night Shift. The interruption to his schedule. And whether it was fair or not, angry at everyone. Perhaps himself most of all.
“Yes, show,” the spirit said as he picked up his phone from the nightstand. The screen glowed brightly and illuminated his face.When he started to swipe, Jungkook angrily stood and reached out to grab it.
“Hey, asshole! That’s my phone. Give it to me.”
But the spirit had just enough advantage in height that he was able to shift the phone to the right. Just out of Jungkook’s reach.
He swiped a few more times. Each time the screen glowed brighter. He finally lowered his arms and handed the phone to him.
Jungkook tried to look down at the screen in his hand. But the brightness was blinding. He squinted.
“Look closely,” the spirit commanded.
Slowly the brightness decreased. There was a picture. No, a video. The scene was familiar. It was a small living room with a Christmas tree. He knew the location well though he hadn’t seen it in well over a decade.
“How in the hell -” he started as he lifted his eyes from the phone screen to the dimpled smile in front of him. But he was immediately struck by the change in his surroundings. They were suddenly in the place on the screen.
The phone slid from his hand and dropped to the floor as he struggled to find the words.
“What? How? How are we here?”
“You remember this place then?” The spirit crossed his hands on top of each other at the waist.
“Of course I do,” Jungkook gazed around the room in awe. “This is my grandmother’s living room. That’s her Christmas tree.”
He sniffed. “Pine. She always got a real pine tree.”
The nostalgia made a lump in his throat. “Listen. Listen,” he insisted.
A cheerful chirp followed by several others sang out from the branches of the tree.
“There it is! That’s the ornament that chirps like a bird!” He took a step closer to the tree. Drawn to the smell of fresh pine and the large colorful lights. “I loved it so much. When we would visit my grandmother during the holidays I would lay under the tree and try to see if I could find the bird. I was certain there must have been one hiding in there. It was only years later I found that it was just a silver ball shaped ornament.” It chirped again. “Ah, that sound. I remember it so well. I haven’t heard it in for–”
A noise from the kitchen stopped him as he realized that someone was coming. Worried he might be seen, he scurried back to take a step behind the blue suited spirit who didn’t seem at all alarmed.
“They can’t see us. Do not worry. These are places in the past.”
Jungkook stepped out slowly from behind to see his mother and a young boy of about seven years of age emerge from the kitchen with a plate of cookies and head toward the Christmas tree.
“That’s my mother,” he whispered in awe. “That’s me as a little boy.”
“But Santa didn’t come last year, Mommy? Are you sure he’ll come this year and eat our cookies?”
His mother, with her beautiful long black hair, bent down and put her arms around him.
“I know, dearheart. And I’m so sorry about last year. But Santa always stops here at grandmother’s house. Of course he’ll eat the cookies. But we need to leave them here under the tree and hurry off to bed so that we’re asleep when he comes.”
“Okay, Mommy,” he chimed as he hugged her and kissed her cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too, my darling Jungkook. Let’s go brush our teeth and get you into bed.”
“Oh wait! I want to give you the gift I made!”
“You don’t want to wait until tomorrow morning when we open up presents?”
The little boy shook his head emphatically. “No, I’m too excited. I want to give it to you now!” He pulled a small poorly wrapped box from under the tree.
His mother admired his homemade wrapping paper and told him it was a gift in and of itself.
After she unwrapped and opened the box, she pulled out a necklace made of pieces of macaroni that had been painted blue, white, and lavender and then douced in silver and gold glitter.
“Oh Jungkook!” She held the necklace like it was made of precious jewels. “You made this? It’s lovely. Just so lovely.”
The little boy beamed with pride. “Yes! Just for you. Do you like it?”
“Yes! I love it! I’m going to wear it right now.”
She pulled the necklace over her head and then looked down on it and back to Jungkook with pride.
“Come here, you.” She pulled him into her arms. Kissing his cheeks and tickling his sides. He threw back his head, eyes pinched shut, mouth agape, and laughed and laughed as he wiggled in her lap.
Jungkook watched with tears in his eyes and a smile that he couldn’t contain. He missed his mother. Her voice and her laughter.
A crashing noise in the kitchen pulled his attention away. His grandmother appeared in the doorway with wide eyes.
The memory of the night flooded back in an instant. His father had found them. The shouts and screams from the kitchen were in sharp contrast to the peace and joy that had filled the house just minutes before.
The little boy clung to his mother. “I’ll protect you Mommy.”
He watched as his mother turned to the little boy.
“You stay right here now, please. Please do what Mommy says. You just stay right here.”
The little boy nodded reluctantly as his terrified eyes watched the door to the kitchen
But the familiarity of the scene made Jungkook cry aloud.
“No! No! Don’t go in there! Just call the police! Don’t go in there!”
“She can’t hear you.”
“But if she goes in there -” Jungkook panted helplessly. “Please, spirit. Stop her.”
But he simply shook his head. “This is all in the past. You can’t intervene.”
Jungkook’s attention turned to the little boy. Himself as a child. On the floor.
The conflict in the kitchen continued to escalate. The little boy moved one of the few presents sitting next to the tree and crawled under. Ears plugged, curled into a ball, he rocked himself back and forth as the noise of breaking objects and screaming traveled outside of the house.
Jungkook turned his back to the Christmas tree and hung his head. The pain was too much.
“I think that was one of our last Christmases together. Up until now, I didn’t even remember anything about this night except the fear. The disappointment and the sadness. The ambulance that took her away. The police and all the flashing lights and sirens. I completely forgot about the gift I had made for her.”
“That is true. After this Christmas, there weren’t many more with your mother. As a few years later, one particularly cold late autumn, the long cycle of your father’s violent behavior came to an end for both of them.”
“Please take me out of here. I can’t stand this.” Jungkook pleaded to the man. “I remember them taking her away in the ambulance. She won’t be back tonight. That right there. What you just saw.” He pointed at the tree. “That was the extent of our Chrstmas that year because she had to stay in the hospital for weeks.”
The spirit simply nodded and turned to walk towards the front door.
Alarmed, Jungkook ran in front and turned to block his way.
“No! Not out that way!”
The spirit walked straight on as though Jungkook wasn’t there at all.
“This is the only way.” He motioned for him to follow. “Remember this is all in the past. These are memories that you no longer need to fear.”
Jungkook’s feet were frozen to the floor.
“Jungkook,” he turned and smiled at him compassionately, “it’s alright. It’s just a memory. You’re safe.” He extended his arm. “Take my hand. We’ll walk out together.”
Jungkook looked at the outstretched hand. The instinct was strong to smack it away. Something he had done in some form or fashion so many times in his life.
But this time, he didn’t.
Stepping forward, he placed his hand tentatively in the hand of the spirit. Surprised and a little relieved that his hand didn’t pass right through the spirit’s hand.
His heart was pounding as they approached the door that had been left wide open.
When he hesitated at the threshold, the spirit squeezed his hand reassuringly.
“Through is the only way out. You can do this.”
He took a deep breath. Wanting to believe that the spirit, being supernatural, perhaps had some insight and that his assurance that Jungkook would be fine was the truth.
The night was cold, but he didn’t notice it so much. He was relieved to find the ambulance and police cars were gone. In fact there was no one.
The law was covered with snow, but it was anything but untouched. Bared out spots and brown clumps of uprooted earth. Evidence of the conflict that had taken place.
And in the white snow, here and there scattered droplets of red. As much as he had hoped it was his father’s, he knew from previous experiences and those that were still to come that it was his mother’s blood.
He wanted to close his eyes as they slowly walked the path to the street. But he forced himself to stay with the pain and grief that had always felt too overwhelming to manage.
And then when he saw it, he stopped.
There on the ground amidst the clumps of snow and earth mingled and scattered with the blood were pieces of blue and lavender glittered macaroni. A few still hung to the red string, but most had been violently strewn about.
“I always wondered why I never saw her wear it after that night,” he whispered. “I always wondered why.” The anguish in his voice threatened to pour from his eyes in a cascade of neverending tears. Tears that he should have cried years ago, but never could.
“She hated losing it.” The spirit gently pulled him forward. “She even came back to look for the pieces when she was discharged from the hospital. But the birds and animals had gotten to it first.”
“I wish she had told me,” Jungkook lamented. “I wish I would have asked her about it. I could have made another one.”
The spirit said nothing, but continued walking.
They turned right when they arrived at the street.
“Spirit,” Jungkook reached out to touch him again, “I don’t want to see anymore.”
But the moment his hand came close, the ghost disappeared.
Jungkook looked around in panic. It was a familiar street, but he hadn’t been there in years. The street his grandmother had lived on. After his mother’s death, he lived with her for a short while. However, she was older and in ill health, and after only a few years, she passed as well.
It was then Jungkook was sent to live with various foster families in the town. There wasn’t any of those homes he was eager to revisit. And he didn’t want to return to his grandmother’s house.
Wandering around his past alone was not something he was eager to do. In addition to that, it was Christmas time. And many houses along the street were adorned with light displays
He started walking.
As he wound up and down the streets, he looked for the spirit that had led him there, hoping that it would take him home.
He stopped suddenly when across the street, he could make out an image of someone standing in the shadow of a tree in front of a small, modest house that wasn’t auspiciously decorated on the outside, but in the picture window there was a beautiful Christmas tree adorned with lights and ornaments.
As he looked closer he realized there was a family that could be seen through the window gathered near the tree. A warm golden glow poured out the window and onto the snow.
He moved closer to the figure when it occurred to him that it could be the second ghost the blue jay had predicted.
However, as he got closer, he realized it was not a spirit.
It was the 16 year old version of himself. Worn denim jeans. A threadbare hoodie with his hands shoved into the pockets.
He stopped dead in his tracks.
He remembered that person all too well. The anger and bitterness. Not typical teen angst, but something so much more painful.
And the loneliness. More than anyone should have ever had to bear.
As he watched the younger version of himself, a hand rested on his shoulder. The Ghost of Christmas Past had returned after all. He hadn’t abandoned him.
He turned just enough to confirm who it was, but his eyes immediately returned to the young man standing in the shadow of the tree.
“Spirit, why are you showing me these things? I’ve tried hard to forget these memories. And you’ve not only made me remember, but you’ve brought me to them.”
“Do you truly believe that you’ve been successful in forgetting them? That they haven’t plagued your adult life, whether you acknowledge them or not. Informing all of your decisions and dictating your thoughts. Shaping your life.”
“I don’t know. Maybe, but there was nothing to be done. The past is in the past. Why would I want to relive it?”
“But, Jungkook,” the spirit explained. “Ignoring your past didn’t stop you from reliving it. In fact, you relive it everyday. Unable to experience your present. Unwilling to move into the future.”
Jungkook shook his head in frustration. “What do you mean?”
“Tell me what that young man is thinking?”
Jungkook swallowed back his tears and cleared his throat. He knew exactly what the 16 year old version of himself was thinking as they stood under the tree watching the small house.
He remembered all too well how he would walk the streets at night. Unhappy and sometimes unwelcome in his foster home. Braving the cold had been preferable.
Walking down the streets he would look at the houses and imagine what it was like inside. He passed right by the huge houses with their large stately front doors that would have never been open for someone like him.
Instead he gravitated toward the small houses like this one. The ones that looked so cozy through the windows. Sometimes catching a glimpse of the parents with their arms around each other. Looking lovingly at children who he suspected had no idea just how lucky they were.
“He’s thinking how much he wishes he lived there. That it was his house. His parents. That he was warm and safe and loved.”
The tears were coming, but he did everything he could to stop them. His voice quaked as it got louder.
“He’s wondering why he is always left outside in the cold looking in. He’s wondering if he will ever be invited inside.”
“If he did get invited into that life, what would you have him do?” The spirit asked softly as he squeezed his shoulder.
“I would tell him to go inside. To get warm, of course! To be happy and safe.” Jungkook was incredulous. “What type of a question is that?”
“It’s precisely the question you should be asking yourself right now, Jungkook.”
The hand left his shoulder and Jungkook turned to see the dimpled man was gone.
He looked back at the tree, but no one was there.
The lights in the house went dark.
“Don’t just leave me here like this!” He called out into the night air.
STAVE THREE: The Second Spirit
The loneliness was unbearable. Every bit as bad as he remembered with something new. And in some ways even more painful. He had been invited in. Taehyung had invited him in. And yet he still stood on the outside looking in.
A part of him wanted to just lay down in the snow. To give up.
His body felt heavy and his soul even heavier. Chains of the past weighed upon him.
He considered this must be the worst kind of hell ever. To be brought back to one’s past and then abandoned there.
When the glow of headlights glistened on the snow in front of him.
He looked up to see a car coming towards him from the right. As he stepped back, to move out of the way, in case the car was going to pass, it slowed.
The driver’s window rolled down to reveal a smiling man who was far more chipper than Jungkook thought anyone ever had the right to be. His twinkling eyes, white hair and rosy cheeks reminded Jungkook of what a young version of Santa Claus must look like.
“Well, come on,” he motioned for Jungkook to get into the car.
Skeptical, he stayed planted on the sidewalk, tilting his head suspiciously.
“You knew I was coming,” the man rolled his hand in a circle as though he was trying to jog Jungkook’s memory. “You just saw the Ghost of Christmas Past, so I’m…”
“Present?” Jungkook said tentatively.
“Bingo!” The man shouted with a wide grin. “You don’t want to just stay here in the cold, do you? It’s starting to snow again! Let’s move it!”
“No, no, of course not.” Jungkook hurried around to the passenger’s side, opened the door and climbed in.
The snow began to come down a little harder and the spirit turned on the windshield wipers.
“Seatbelt, please,” the man’s sing-song voice chimed. Followed by one of the most unique laughs Jungkook had ever heard.
Reluctantly and slowly he buckled his seatbelt using the moment to get a better look at the driver.
Even though he was seated in the car, it was obvious he was tall. Jungkook had to hold back an eye roll when he saw how the man was dressed.
His trousers were just basic brown slacks, but on top he was wearing easily the most obnoxious Christmas sweater Jungkook had ever seen. And that was saying a lot because Taehyung had a lot of Christmas sweaters and most were what he considered ugly. But they were nothing like this one.
The sleeves were made up of red, green and gold tinseled garland that almost looked like the ruffles on a rumba shirt. He had a strand of large, brightly colored Christmas lights around his neck. And when he talked, they blinked. On the surface of the shirt, there were random Christmas ornaments attached.
The whole thing looked very uncomfortable but he didn’t seem to mind as he sang along, extremely loudly, to the Christmas songs playing on the radio.
“Is there any way we could change the station?” Jungkook asked.
“Be my guest,” the man motioned with his hand.
Jungkook located the seek button on the console.
There was a moment of static, followed by a Christmas song.
He hit the button again.
Another moment of static that was followed by yet another Christmas song.
Rapidly he hit the button repeatedly. But it was the same over and over.
“What is wrong with your radio?”
The man laughed loud and light. A sound not unlike the wipers that were struggling to keep up with the onslaught of snow that seemed to get more dense by the moment.
“Can we just shut it off then?”
“Nope! It doesn’t go off. Don’t worry we’re almost there.”
The snow almost completely covered the windshield. The wipers couldn’t keep up.
“You need to pull over! There is no way you can see!” Jungkook grabbed the dashboard.
The man laughed again. Louder this time as he pressed the pedal to the floor and the car lurched forward recklessly into the white.
Jungkook closed his eyes, ducked and covered his head. Certain they would surely crash any moment.
But they didn’t crash. It was difficult to discern how much time had passed, even though it didn’t seem long at all. The car finally came to a stop. Not a snowflake in sight.
“Where are we?” Jungkook eagerly looked out the windows. It was no longer nighttime, but midday instead.
Then he recognized the area. The downtown area. Right outside of one of Taehyung’s favorite cafes. Possibly the one where he usually met up with friends at.
Jungkook stepped out of the car and closed the door, but couldn’t muster up the courage to go any further. A glimpse of the people sitting inside next to the window confirmed his fear.
“Come on,” the spirit urged.
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Jungkook grabbed the car door to reopen it but it was locked.
“He can’t see you,” the spirit reassured him. “It’s just like before. We can see them but they can’t see us. Don’t worry.”
But that wasn’t what was worrying him.
Even if Taehyung could see him, he would probably be happy, ecstatic even, that Jungkook had decided to join them for lunch. He always extended the invitation, but Jungkook always declined even if it was at a time he was available. And not only at Christmas, but all throughout the year they had been together.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go. He did. But he could never quite make himself.
Taehyung’s friends, Jimin and Hoseok, were decent guys and he had hung out with them on occasion. But Jungkook couldn’t help but feel like they were Taehyung’s friends, not his. He would tell himself that they were only inviting him out of courtesy to Taehyung. Or even worse, maybe they didn’t want him to come at all, but Taehyung was insisting. He didn’t grow up with them. Didn’t know them very well. So he assumed they wouldn’t have anything to talk about with each other or anything in common.
And perhaps the most deeply hidden reason of all was that he didn’t think he could tag along and not feel some jealousy to see them all happy and smiling. To see the way they effortlessly interacted with one another. The way they made Taehyung smile. When there were days he knew he was failing miserably in that endeavor.
And as if that reason wasn’t bad enough, in addition to feeling that way, he felt ashamed that he felt that way. Because he knew that it wasn’t fair to Taehyung.
“Jungkook,” the spirit said firmly, hands on his hips, “we aren’t going anywhere until we go inside, so you might as well come along.”
“Alright,” he grumbled as he walked angrily to the door. Through the glass he could see clearly. Taehyung with his friends. Heads thrown back. All laughing.
The spirit stepped aside to let him cross the threshold. Which he reluctantly did.
The cafe was warm and smelled of sweet baked bread.
As they came within earshot of the table, Jungkook was able to hear the conversation. They were laughing about something that had happened years ago. Some shared memory between the three of them. A “you just had to be there” moment.
Usually he would have been overcome with jealousy that he hadn’t been there and wasn’t in on the joke. But this time, watching Taehyung’s pure joy as they all laughed didn’t make him envious, it made him sad.
It had been a long time since he had seen him laugh like that.
“He’s happy,” Jungkook mumbled.
“Mmm…more or less,” the spirit responded. “Does that bother you?”
Jungkook shook his head. “It only bothers me in the sense that I know I don’t make him that happy. But all the same it’s nice to see him happy.”
The spirit said nothing but continued to watch the men at the table.
Jungkook looked at him defensively, “It’s not like he and I have never laughed together or had good moments.”
“Had,” the spirit repeated with emphasis. “How long has it been?”
Jungkook didn’t have an answer.
“I'm here to give you a gift,” the spirit smiled. “A present you might say.”
He laughed that ridiculous laugh and Jungkook worried for a moment that it was loud enough that Taehyung and his friends would notice.
“Get it?” The spirited bent his elbow and jabbed it towards him. “It’s a pun. You know -”
“I get it. I get it.” Jungkook rolled his eyes and couldn’t help but smile a little at the jovialness.
But the laughter at the table had stopped and the mood had shifted dramatically.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hoseok asked Taehyung as he reached across the table and touched his hand.
“No,” he shook his head slowly. “I don’t think it will help any. It’ll just bring everyone else down.”
“Nonsense,” Hoseok pulled his hand and head back dramatically. “That’s what we’re here for. We’re your best friends. If you can’t talk to us, who can you talk to?”
“You hadn’t said anything in a while, so I hoped things might have gotten better,” Jimin sipped his coffee.
“No, not really,” Taehyung poked at the salad in front of him with his fork. “I guess I’ve just grown tired of even talking about it.”
“You sound like you’ve given up?” Hoseok said cautiously.
Taehyung shrugged. “Maybe I have. There just doesn’t seem to be any hope. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I’ve given him space. Given him the benefit of the doubt. I know working nights is hard on him. But it’s more than that.”
“What do you mean?” Jimin took a bite of his cake.
“I don’t think he loves me. I’m not sure if he stopped. Or if the reality is that he just never really did.” Taehyung sighed heavily. “Sometimes I think I made it all up. All of it. I just wanted to love him and I thought that would make him want to love me.”
“You don’t think he ever loved you?” Hoseok’s brow furrowed. “That’s terrible. I’m really sorry, Tae.”
“It’s alright,” Taehyung looked up at the ceiling and blinked back some tears. “I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t want to make him unhappy. And he is very unhappy. Especially now during Christmas, but it started before that. It just seems a little more intense and hard to ignore right now. Because he hates Christmas.”
“Hates Christmas?” Jimin gasped. “What type of person hates Christmas? And how does that work with someone like you? Someone who loves it.”
“I do love it,” Taehyung admitted, “but I love him more. And if I thought it would make a difference I’d just dial things back…”
He paused and shook his head.
“No, I know that’s not a solution. He knew how much I loved the holidays. We met right after Christmas last year. And I could tell he was a bit grumpy about Christmas, but I thought it was cute. I thought maybe he was just exaggerating.”
“You thought you could change it,” Hoseok reached over and patted his hand. “You thought you could make him happy.”
Taehyung didn’t say anything for a moment, but then finally, “Yeah. I did.” He shrugged with tears in his eyes. “I love him.”
“I think Jungkook’s a decent guy. A little dour. But as long as he treats you right. That’s all I want to make sure of.” Hoseok smiled with concern.
“Yeah, I just don’t know what to do. He is a good guy. I know he is. But…oh, I don’t know. I just don’t know.” He dropped his face into his hands.
“It’s time to go,” the spirit looked down at his wrist even though there was no watch there.
“No,” Jungkook resisted, “I can’t leave him like this.”
“What do you mean? You can’t leave him like this? You leave him like this all the time.” The spirit smirked. “Anyway, he’s getting ready to leave too.”
At that moment, the three men rose from their chairs and put on their coats as they walked to the door.
Jungkook and the spirit followed them outside.
“Come on back to my place,” Hoseok begged. “We can watch old Christmas movies and make some cookies or something.”
“Yeah,” Jimin chimed in. “Or you can come home with me and help wrap all the presents I’ve put off wrapping.”
“No, that’s okay,” Taehyung shoved his hands in his pockets. “You guys need to get ready for Christmas Eve with your families. I’m going to just walk around for a bit.”
“Well I can take you home,” Hoseok offered. “It’s kind of cold to be walking around.”
“Jungkook’s taking a nap. And it’s really hard to stay quiet enough that I don’t wake him. And anyway I think I need to just spend some time walking to clear my head.”
“What if the Grinch doesn’t wake up until later tonight? What will you do?”
“It’s no big deal,” Taehyung pursed his lips. “We’ll just have dinner when he wakes up.”
“Tae” Jimin whined, “you can’t be alone on Christmas Eve.”
“I won’t be,” Taehyung reassured him half-heartedly. “He’ll wake up and we’ll have some dinner. It’ll be fine.”
“But Tae -” Hoseok started.
But Taehyung had already started walking away from the cafe. “Really guys,” he called back, “it’s fine.”
“Okay, if you’re -”
“I am. I promise. Now Merry Christmas to both of you! Love you guys!”
He waved as he continued walking.
“Where do you think he’s go-” Jungkook turned to ask the spirit with the ugly Christmas sweater, but he was nowhere to be found.
It didn't matter. He figured the spirit was likely done with him anyway. And there wasn’t anything that could keep him from following Taehyung.
Although he knew he couldn’t be seen, he walked a fair distance behind him. His guilt weighed him down and held him back.
Even from behind, he could tell how much Taehyung was hurting. Just by the pace of his walk and his shoulders slumped and hands thrust deep into his pockets.
Snowflakes began to fall. Just a few at first, then getting a bit heavier.
Taehyung stopped and turned around. At first, Jungkook thought he had discovered he was being followed, but then he realized that he had simply stopped to admire the falling snow.
Jungkook stopped and couldn’t help but to admire Taehyung.
As he looked up into the sky, the flakes landed in his chestnut curls. He closed his eyes and weakly smiled.
Jungkook marveled at how perfect, how at home he looked in the falling snow. He was born in the winter and it really was his season.
And he was beautiful.
It pained him to think of how sad Taehyung was in the restaurant. How many times in the past month Jungkook watched his face drop when he mocked his love of the holiday or wanted to do things together.
But even before that. During this whole past year they’d been together. The times that Taehyung had tried to compromise. Tried to be compassionate and understanding. Tried to love him. And it was with shame Jungkkook remembered that almost every time without fail, he had shut Taehyung down. Shut him out.
He hadn’t tried to love him. Not really. Not in the way that Taehyung deserved.
Jungkook walked a little closer to get a better look. Taehyung’s golden face lifted toward the gray sky. The perfect white snowflakes collecting on his eyelashes and in his hair.
His plush lips suddenly parted.
“Oh, Jungkook, how I wish I could show you this.”
Then he did the most unexpected thing. He lowered his face and opened his eyes. He was looking right at Jungkook.
Panicked, he thought for a moment Taehyung could see him. Glistening tears lined the bottom of his eyes as he stared into Jungkook’s.
It was heartbreaking and almost more than he could bear. “Oh Tae,” he whispered.
Taehyung sighed as he closed his eyes. A tear spilled over the edge of his eye and down his cheek.
Jungkook reached his hand out to wipe the tear away, but before he could, Taehyung had turned and started to walk away.
He turned to follow, closer this time. He wanted to make sure Taehyung got home. And he was desperately hoping that by following him home, he could stay there and bring the visitation of the spirits to an end. After all, he understood now. He learned his lesson. He had hurt Taehyung and he wanted to make it right.
The falling snow thickened and began to come down faster. It felt like the wind had picked up and the flakes turned sharper and stung as they hit Jungkook’s cheeks. His vision clouded with the onslaught as he waved his hand in front of him trying unsuccessfully to see more clearly.
But his steps began to slow, and Taehyung seemed to be getting further and further away. He could hardly see anything but a shadowy outline of him ahead. He called out, but knew he wouldn’t get an answer.
Unable to walk any further without direction, he stopped.
“Alright, enough!” he shouted. “I get it. I just need to get home.”
The density of the blinding snow began to abate. Jungkook wiped the flakes from his eyes as he attempted to take in his surroundings and determine how close he was to their house.
It trickled to just a few sporadic flakes falling, which allowed him to finally see. But he wasn’t anywhere close to home.
All around him were headstones. He had somehow ended up in a cemetery.
STAVE FOUR: The Third Spirit
Just a short distance away, he spotted a man sitting on top of one of the larger headstones.
Walking closer, he could see the man was wearing a long black coat with a black sockhat on his head. Bright blue strands peaking out from under it.
“Do I need to introduce myself,” he said flatly in a deep voice as he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and hit the bottom against his leg.
It was obvious after the other two. This must be a spirit as well. The last and final spirit.
“No, spirit, please,” Jungkook sighed, “I don’t want to see the future. I know you’re going to show me my funeral with no one attending. To find that no one cares when I die.”
The spirit pulled a cigarette out and put it between his lips. Pulled a lighter from his pocket. As the bright red cherry on the end swelled with light and then softened, the spirit inhaled. The smoke curled out the side of his lips he spoke. “Why would you think that?”
“Because that’s the way the story goes, right? The Ghost of Christmas Future comes last and shows Ebeneezer Scrooge how no one cares when he dies. That’s the future if he doesn’t change his ways.”
“Oh Jungkook, would it really pain you to see your abandoned grave?”
For a brief moment, he considered lying. He just wanted to get back home to Taehyung. The visits from the other spirits had been convincing enough. He knew he needed to treat Taehyung better. And he was ready and willing to. He just needed to get back home.
But the intensity in the spirit's eye gave him pause.
“Perhaps not,” he admitted. “I don’t particularly care what others have thought of me. People are insincere and cruel. And most funerals are just spectacles for those who remain. They say flattering things about the dead and rewrite history all to make themselves feel better. So please, I want to go find Taehyung and apologize. I don’t need to see anymore.”
“I’m afraid you do,” the spirit said simply. “Look.” His arm and a long bony finger pointed toward a man kneeling next to a headstone just a few meters away. His head in his hands.
Jungkook took a few steps. Approaching the grave slowly. He hoped that the man would be Taehyung. Who else could he expect to grieve him when he died?
And the man kneeling was deeply saturated in grief. Even through his hands, the muffled cries and sobs were loud enough to be heard.
He was certainly overcome with grief. And Jungkook’s heart hurt at seeing Taehyung in so much pain again. He wondered if he ever had given him anything except pain.
The sharp smell of the cigarette in the cold airl grew stronger as he sensed the spirit was approaching from behind.
“Is this the part where you tell me how I wasted my life with my bitterness? And I hurt the one person I truly loved with my stingy heart and then died and left him alone in the world, never knowing how much I really did love him?”
The spirit scoffed. “Not quite.”
Just then the man kneeling next to the grave lifted his face.
It wasn’t Taehyung. Jungkook was staring at himself. An older version of himself, but still recognizable. His cheeks stained with tears. His wrinkled eyes sagged in anguish.
“I don’t underst –”
The spirit slipped around him and banged his fist on the top of the headstone knocking off the snow that had drifted across the engraving.
Jungkook's eyes widened in disbelief. It wasn’t his grave.
The headstone read Kim Taehyung. It was Taehyung’s grave.
He scanned the engraving for the dates. It looked like he had died at the age of 78. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’m so glad he lived a long life and didn’t die tragically or before his time.”
“He didn’t die tragically, but his life was tragic enough,” the spirit smirked sadly.
“So he finally got tired of me and we broke up?” Jungkook touched the headstone. “He left me.”
“Nope. Wrong again,” the spirit crossed his arms.
“We stayed together?” Jungkook asked incredulously.
“Yep, right up until the moment he took his last breath.”
“But then why –” Jungkook stopped. He understood the spirit’s cryptic words. “Oh, I see. His life was tragic because we stayed together. He was unhappy.”
“That’s an understatement,” the spirit took a last drag of his cigarette and snubbed it out on the top of the headstone. “He just couldn’t give up on you no matter how bad things got.”
“Hey,” Jungkook thrust his hand forward and grabbed the cigarette butt with one hand and dusted the ashes off with the other. “Don’t do that! He doesn’t deserve to be disrespected like that.”
Jungkook stuck the cigarette butt in his pants pocket so as not to litter the ground on Taehyung’s grave.
“He never deserved disrespect,” Jungkook said sorrowfully. “He deserved to be loved and cherished. I never gave him those things. And I’m sorry I didn’t realize it.”
“You did eventually,” the spirit corrected him.
Jungkook nodded. Yes he did understand now.
“I don’t mean right now, Jungkook.” He pointed at the elderly Jungkook kneeling at the grave. “You realized it there. When he died. And then you lived the rest of your life alone with only your regret to keep you company. And death would have been kinder than the pain of regret that you felt.”
Jungkook looked at himself kneeling in the snow.
“Can this be changed?” He begged the spirit. “Surely you wouldn’t have shown me all of this if it is fated and it can’t be changed!”
The spirit simply raised its shoulders and cocked his head. And indication he wasn’t going to say one way or another.
He dropped to his knees in front of the older version of himself.
“Hey, it’s alright. Look at me. You’re going to change this. Taehyung isn’t dead. He’s alive and back at the apartment, probably getting ready for Christmas Eve. I’m going to go back there and fix this. I’m going to do better. And he won’t live unhappily. You’re going to live a long, happy life together. He put his hands on the other’s shoulders and leaned in until their heads were touching. “It’s not too late, Jungkook. It’s not too late. It’s not too late…”
The sensation under his fingers changed.
He was no longer holding onto the man’s shoulders, but to something hard and wooden. On his knees with his head buried in the pillow, with his hands gripping the headboard of their bed. The soft scent of fabric softener below him was familiar.
He jerked upwards and glanced around the room. Relief washed over him. He was in his bed.
The clock read 1:05pm
He was home. Taehyung was just in the other room.
And it wasn’t too late. He hoped against hope that it wasn’t too late.
STAVE FIVE: Another Chance
There wasn’t another moment to waste.
He jumped from the bed and ran into the other room.
He inhaled the warm smell of the pine and cinnamon candle that hit his nose when I opened the bedroom door
Taehyung was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree wrapping presents.
He had his headphones in. Quietly singing a Christmas song under his breath.
Jungkook sat down next to him on the floor. He reached out and gently rubbed his shoulder to get his attention.
Taehyung jumped. Shocked, he pulled out his earbuds and they tumbled to the carpet.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Did I wake you up by singing?”
Jungkook shook his head. A mixture of regret and love overcame him. Looking at the kind, loving, and incredibly beautiful face in front of him, he couldn’t stand the thought that he had ever been a source of pain. Or the reason why a tear slid down that soft cheek.
“What? What is it?” Taehyung said tentatively. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” he nodded as his hand came around to the back of Taehyung’s neck. Rubbing gently he pulled him in for a kiss.
Taehyung was hesitant at first, but Jungkook understood why.
He rested their foreheads together. “I just really need you to know how much I love you, Tae.”
“I know,” Taehyung weakly assured.
“No, no you don’t. How could you? I’ve been horrible this whole month. And I wasn’t even that great before. But I want to change it. Right now. I promise you we will do it all. Go see the lights and bake cookies and watch the same shows over and over. Whatever you want to do.”
“Jungkook,” Taehyung smiled, “I don’t want you to pretend to like Christmas just because I do. It’s alright.”
Jungkook took his hands. “It isn’t alright. I haven’t treated you the way I want to. I want to be good to you and I don’t want you to ever have to doubt how much I love you. Christmas isn’t the problem. It’s been me and a lot of shit from my past that I haven’t dealt with like I should have. But I will. I promise you. I’ll make this Christmas up to you. Every year starting with this one. I will make it all up to you. If you’ll just give me a chance.”
“There’s nothing you have to make up to me.” Taehyung leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “I just want to be with you.”
“Come here,” Jungkook pulled him into his arms. “What can I do to help you with all of this?”
“I pretty much have everything wrapped. The tree is mostly decorated. These are the gifts I was taking to Jimin and Hoseok. I need to leave soon to meet them at the cafe.”
“I actually need to run some errands.” The mention of gifts prompted him to think about what he had hidden in a bag in his closet and still needed to wrap. He had picked up some gifts for Taehyung, but it was nothing that he was really wanting to give him. And he had an idea of what he did want to give him. He hoped it wasn’t too late.
“You aren’t going to nap?” Taehyung asked as he tidied up the wrapping paper roll and the scissors.
“No, I’m good.” Jungkook took the supplies from him as he stood. “I actually still have a little wrapping to do so I am going to need these.”
“Alright,” Taehyung smiled as he stood and headed toward the kitchen.
“Hey,” Jungkook called out. “Would it be alright if I tag along? I have something I need to get, but maybe I could join you guys after I do that?”
Taehyung’s face lit up. “Sure, yeah, that’d be great.”
“Okay, good,” Jungkook smiled. “I’m going to go put this stuff in the bedroom and change out of these sweatpants and then we can get ready to go.”
Jungkook hurried into the bedroom and dropped the wrapping paper on the bed. As he wiggled out of his sweatpants. Something fell out of his pocket. He bent down to pick it up.
A cigarette butt.
He took a deep breath and let it go in an exhale of relief.
Amidst the winter birds chirping outside the window he heard a loud jeer of what he was pretty certain was a blue jay.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
Later that night, after they returned home, cooked and ate dinner together, and drove through the light display, they sat on the couch. Jungkook rested his head on Taehyung’s lap and let him play with his hair.
“I really want to give you one of your gifts now and not wait until morning,” Taehyung admitted.
Jungkook opened one eye, “I sort of want to give you one of your gifts now too.”
Taehyung bumped his head with his leg, urging him to get up. “Okay then we have to do it.”
Jungkook grumbled about how comfortable he was and he didn’t want to move, but then got up anyway and wrapped both arms around Taehyung’s waist from behind as they awkwardly waddled to the tree and sat down.
“Me first,” Jungkook insisted as he pulled a small box with a white and blue snowflake design covering it. Somehow he had managed in one afternoon, to not only get the gift he wanted to get for Taehyung, but also make it back to the cafe in time to sit a while with him and his friends.
Taehyung took the box and unwrapped it. Popping it open and pulling out an ornament. It was a golden tree with a red ribbon at the top. Engraved on it were the words:
Our First Christmas
First of Many
Taehyung and Jungkook
“Oh, it’s beautiful.” Taehyung held the ornament in one hand and ran his finger over the words. “This is so special. I love it. Thank you so much.”
He laid the ornament back in the box and set it under the tree. “My turn now,” he chimed as he retrieved a small gift wrapped in red and green paper.
As Jungkook took it, Taehyung explained, “It’s not brand new, but they don’t make them anymore, but I found it online.”
He opened the box and immediately the meaning of Taehyung’s words became clear.
Inside was a small ornate silver ball. It was just like the one from his grandmother’s tree.
“I plugged it in and it does work.” Taehyung assured him. “It chirps just like you described. But we don’t have to plug it in if the noise gets on your nerves.”
Jungkook looked up at Taehyung overwhelmed with gratitude. Wondering how he got so lucky to have someone like him in his life. And how he was even luckier that he realized it before it was too late.
“No, I love it. I love the sound. Thank you so much, Tae.” He stared at the ornament in his hand. His fist closed around it and then opened. It was time to let go of the that which had held him back from loving and allowing himself to be loved.
🎄❄️🎁
It was on that Christmas Eve, their first Christmas Eve, they sat in the dark with only the Christmas tree lights illuminating the room. The gold ornament commemorating their first Christmas together sparkled next to the silver ball that occasionally released a little chirp.
Each time, Jungkook closed his eyes and committed this night to memory.
And in all the years after, those two ornaments were always the first ones to be placed on the Christmas tree. And every year, the chirp of the bird ornament reminded him how lucky he was to be loved and even more so how lucky he was to be able to love.
Jungkook was better than his word. He did all he said he would for Taehyung and infinitely more.
Now of course, he never loved Christmas quite as much as Taehyung loved Christmas.
But he didn’t have to. Because he loved Taehyung.