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The bitter November wind bit Kris’s cheeks as they stared into the woods behind Jockington’s house. The exact time they had spent sitting on the back patio they didn’t know, but it was long enough to numb their fingers around the red plastic cup they were holding and make the contents undrinkably cold. The party was still roaring behind them; the warm environment of the house made warmer with the crush of bodies, swirling drinks, and laughter that never seemed to cease for any extended period. Why they were at this party in the first place they didn’t entirely know. They only recalled a text from Susie earlier that week:
‘party at jocks on fri. you down?’
Of course they were down. They always loved going to events with Susie. There was so much to make fun of, so much to laugh about, and Kris just loved being around Susie in her element. They would notice the way her cheeks flushed from the heat, the way her eyes would glow in conversation, and the way her raucous laugh echoed through the room and their brain was truly exhilarating. So of course they would go with her.
It didn’t take much to convince their mother to let them go. Toriel Dreemurr was, naturally, hesitant when it came to parties. But almost more than that, Toriel wanted their kid to have full school and social experiences. So when Kris came asking, Toriel had a few questions.
“All of your school friends are going?”
Kris wouldn’t exactly consider all of them their ‘friends’, but whatever. “Yeah.”
“Will Jockington’s parents be home?”
Definitely not. “Yes.”
“And we are clear about my expectations?”
“No gain or loss of life, I got it.”
This was good enough for Toriel. She leaned down and kissed their forehead. “Be safe, honey.”
They spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to pick something to wear. Embarrassing only because they ended up scrapping what they put together and put on their usual green and yellow sweater. Oh well. Better to look normal than seem like a try-hard. After what seemed like forever, the text they had been anticipating finally came.
‘im here’
‘hurry up dumass’
They hurried downstairs to find that their mom had already opened the door and was waving to Susie in the car. “Hello, darling!” She called out to Susie as Kris wriggled past her. “Be home no later than eleven, please!”
“No problem, Toriel.” Susie called back. “Don’t worry, we won’t have too much fun.”
Toriel laughed and waved good-bye as Kris climbed into the passenger seat of Susie’s car, rock music playing far too loud over the stereo.
“Let’s get this bitch started!” Susie laughed as she backed out of Kris’s driveway and down the street. It was then that Kris noticed that she had dressed up. Not in a crazy way, but in a subtle way that you only would notice if you knew her like Kris did. Her messy brown hair was as unkempt as it usually was, but it almost seemed… intentional in the way the different layers framed her face. She had also done a bit of makeup - nothing crazy, just a bit of black eyeshadow around the corners of her eyes, but it made her bright yellow scleras even brighter. She had on her usual ripped jeans and an oversized band tee, and on her wrists were small bracelets that looked very similar to the ones she wore in the Dark World. She looked amazing.
But they couldn’t say that. “Dude, those bracelets are awesome.”
Susie smiled. “Aren’t they? I just found them in a drawer today when I was looking for stuff to wear. I guess I bought them one time and forgot about them.”
Kris noticed the street sign for Jockington’s street come and go. “Way to go dumbass, you missed the turn.” Kris chided and punched her arm.
“The fuck? No I didn’t!” Realization flashed over Susie’s face. “Oh shit, I forgot to tell you, we’re picking Noelle up on the way over.”
Kris’s heart sank. Not that they didn’t like Noelle, she’d been a friend of theirs for a very long time, but Kris was excited for a night with just her and Susie. Noelle being there created another dynamic that Kris was not expecting.
“Is that okay?” Susie asked, breaking the silence. It wasn’t an attack at all, more like an earnest check in.
“Yeah, of course.”
“She said it took a lot of convincing but her mom finally let her come! Safe to say she’s not *my* biggest fan but she said you were gonna be there and her mom was totally chill with it!”
Yeah, she used them as an excuse to hang out with Susie. Cool. “Awesome.” Kris replied, with more monotone than they intended.
They pulled up to Noelle’s gate where she was already standing outside and quickly clambered into the back seat. “Susie, go!” She ordered.
“Gotta put your seatbelt on first!” Susie teased.
“Susie, I’m dead serious, drive.”
“Well shit, okay.” Susie punched the gas. Kris was already feeling nauseous, and that maneuver nearly made them sick.
Noelle sighed. “Sorry, I just didn’t want my mom to see you. She already doesn’t know you’ll be there and the fact that I rode over in your car? She’d have taken me back inside SO fast.”
Susie chuckled. “Well, glad you could escape.”
Kris saw their eyes meet in the rearview mirror and was almost sick again. The way that Susie’s eyes seemed to sparkle when they met Noelle’s. They were reminded that the look was only for Noelle. They turned to look out the window the rest of the way to the party. Whatever Susie and Noelle were chatting about didn’t concern them. They were just waiting to get to the party because then Noelle would talk to someone else - probably Berdly - and then Kris and Susie would make fun of Berdly and his continued unreciprocated passes at Noelle. Kris smiled to themself at the notion.
They pulled up to the house at exactly the right time: fashionably late. And fashionable they were, as Noelle had dressed differently as well. She had on a cropped burgundy sweater over a short black skirt and tights. It looked great on her. Kris felt their face go warm. Maybe they should have put something else on when they were at home. Shit. There still was time for this to go right again, right?
The party was already in full swing when they entered: plastic cups in hand of every attendee, kids laughing, kids making out, and no one paying attention to them as they entered. Kris scoped out the party for Berdly, or anybody else who Kris knew Noelle liked, but couldn’t see anyone.
“Where’s Berdly?” Kris asked Noelle. “You’d think he’d be here, wouldn’t you?”
“Oh, he couldn’t make it tonight.” Noelle replied with no sense of disappointment in her voice.
“Damn.” Kris muttered under their breath. This was very quickly shaping up to not be what they were expecting from today.
The time that followed was uneventful and mostly consisted of Kris awkwardly standing next to Susie and Noelle wherever they went. They tried to include Kris in their conversation, sure, but it never failed to make Kris feel like more of an outsider. A… third wheel. Fuck. It all came to a head when Kris left them in the living room to refill their drink and came back to no Susie or Noelle. They must have been staring, as Catti Cattenheimer looked up from her phone and turned to them strangely.
“They left.”
Shit. “Where are they?” Kris didn’t know if they really wanted an answer.
Catti scoffed. “You can’t deduce that for yourself? The ‘tension’ got too much for them, I suppose.”
The girl next to her laughed, but Kris had heard everything they needed to. They turned back towards the kitchen where everything seemed to be worse than it was when they left it just seconds before. The crush of people and their body heat was overwhelming, the music was too loud, the lights were too bright, and the walls felt like they were closing in. They need to get out.
They shoved through the crush of people towards the back door, ignoring scoffs of indignance as they passed. They didn’t care.
They flung open the door to the back patio and relished the way the bitter cold felt on their skin. They didn’t notice how hard they were breathing either, and when they stopped it was like their lungs sunk deeper into their chest.
“Duuudeeee,” someone slurred from behind them, “close the damn door it’s cold as fuck outside.”
Didn’t have to tell them twice. They shut the slider and was almost caught off guard by the abrupt quiet. Being in a loud environment and then it suddenly getting quiet will definitely do that to you. Looking out at the woods that stretched behind the house, they realized how peaceful it all was. If not for the pounding in their head and the sinking feeling in their heart, they would have liked to enjoy time out there.
They sat on the brick patio, still staring out at the trees. The light from the sliding door cast a square of light on the otherwise dark boughs, their bare limbs casting eerie shadows on the ground nearby. The branches reached out over the road and almost seemed to grab the few cars driving past. They knew Susie would get a kick out of that. She’d joke about what would happen if the trees came alive and started grabbing the cars off the road. Kris would laugh at the absurdity, Susie would give them a noogie, and they’d cackle at each other for absolutely no reason.
Fuck, Susie. Even when they weren’t trying to think about her she somehow found her way into their consciousness. Back where they started. Plastic cup in hand and physically sitting on the patio, but their mind was somewhere else in this godforsaken house thinking about Noelle and Susie doing who the hell knows what.
The continued thought brought stinging tears to their eyes for a reason they didn’t entirely understand. They should be happy for them, right? Kris knew Noelle had liked Susie for a while, and Susie apparently reciprocated? This should be a good thing.
So why did it hurt so damn bad whenever they thought about it? Why did thinking of Susie with anyone else set off a wave of utter dread through their entire physical being?
They wiped their eyes on their sleeve and looked at their phone’s clock. It was getting close to curfew. Well shit, it’s not like Susie and Noelle would drive them home at this point. It was definitely looking like they’d have to walk home. Fan-fucking-tastic. They pried their numb fingers off of the plastic cup, set it on the porch, and started to walk towards the street. They hoped their mom wouldn’t ask about the hour-long hot bath they planned on taking when they got home. That was a can of worms they did not want to open.
They shoved their hands in their pockets and started walking, their only light being from the dim streetlights that occasionally dotted the side of the road. Their current objective was to make their mind like their fingers: completely fucking numb. Which is easier said than done, apparently, because they kept hearing Susie’s voice in their head. Hell, why couldn’t everything just-
“Stop!”
Okay, that definitely wasn’t in their head. They turned around to see, to their surprise, Susie and Noelle running across the lawn to where they stood on the street.
“Kris,” Susie wheezed, out of breath. “Shit. We lost track of time and-”
“-yeah, I’m sure.” Kris said, without thinking.
Susie looked taken aback. “The hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Seems to be a common thread tonight, I think,” Kris stopped holding back. They stopped caring. It was a relief, honestly. “Forgetting the time, forgetting to tell me about Noelle, forgetting about me in general? Thought I’d save you the trouble.”
Susie’s expression morphed into hurt. In the dim light, Kris could barely make her out, but they did see the flush on her cheeks combined with smears of lipstick that was not hers. Her bracelets were askew, her shoes were untied, and to the outside eye she would have looked ridiculous. But she looked more alive than they'd ever seen her. It broke them. They turned to look at Noelle, whose sweater and skirt were not as impeccably styled as they had been before. “Kris,” Susie spoke again, her voice softer, “I really didn’t mean to-”
“Forget it.” Kris’s eyes stung with fresh tears as they turned around. “Go back and have your fun. I’ll walk.”
“Kris, you don’t-”
Kris whirled around, the tears carving cold canals into their cheeks. “I do, Susie! I do fucking mean it! Don’t let me keep you from what you really want.”
This time, it was Noelle who spoke. “Kris, please-”
“Oh, don’t you start.”
Susie stepped closer. “Kris, what the hell is up with you? You’ve been weird all evening. You didn’t talk the whole car ride, you were distant as hell the whole party, and now you’re walking home? What’s wrong, dude?”
They thought about it. More than they’d like to admit, actually. They really wanted to tell Susie the real reason why they were so detached the whole night. They really wanted to say to her face that they’ve loved her for way too long and seeing her with someone else made them physically sick. They wanted to tell her how much they longed to have her look at them the way she looked at Noelle. They wanted to tell her that they’ve never felt anything like this for anyone before but valued their friendship too much to really say anything. They wanted her to know that they’d trade anything in this life for any scrap of time with her as the time they spent together was when they felt the most like themselves ever. More tears started to fall. Not now. Because as much as they hated seeing Susie with someone else, they valued seeing her happy even more.
Which is why they ended up turning around again and replying, “Nothing. Just tired.”
Noelle piped up. “You sure you don’t want a ride?”
“I’m sure.” Kris said, willing their voice not to crack.
“Be safe, Kris.” Susie’s voice echoed in their ears as they walked farther away. What they did after this, Kris didn’t care. They kept their focus on their steps, numb footfall after numb footfall, and the prospect of the scalding hot bath they’d take when they got home. Susie probably texted a few times, but Kris turned their phone off. This will all seem like a bad dream in a few days, they thought, as the house, as the party, and as Susie and Noelle faded into the distance.