Work Text:
I haven't had a day like this in a while.
The sun feels too bright and all the colours are blurring together. The once vibrant sky fades into a dull blue.
My wrists itch.
My meds are wearing off.
I haul myself out of bed, scratching my arms, picking at the scabs that run along them. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘨𝘶𝘺 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯. 𝘉𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨...𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯... I shake my head and walk shakily out the front door. Flameguy lives right next to me, so I (thank god) I don't have to walk too far. I look up at the pale sky and realize its snowing and quicken my pace.
I hate the snow. (lore thingy idk)
I knock at Flameguys door and plaster a smile on my face before quickly rolling my sleeves down to hide my wrists.
"Heyyy flameguy ^_^!! Lovely weather am I right? didn't even know it snowed here..0_o" I laugh lightly before bunching my hoodie closer to me
"Oh...Thomas...Its you." Flameguy murmurs tiredly, and I notice large bags under his eyes. He looks exhausted. He looks real.
I need my meds now.
"sooo…" I say quickly, feeling myself spiral "Can I have some of my meds please? I somehow already ran out! I don't even...remember taking them..." I try to sound as happy as I can, ignoring the increasing urge to rip my arms off.
Flameguy just looks at me blankly "Thomas. Listen. I know how much you need them but I cant- I- I wont give you those anymore." His words are delivered with such gentleness. I grin wider. "Comee onn flameguyy!!! You know how bad i need them..!" I laugh slightly, but the sound doesn't reach my face. Flame guy continues looking at me before sighing. "Thomas can you come inside please?"
T- "gladly!! :3"
I push past the doorway and into the warm canopy of flameguys house. I relish in the cleanliness of his house. The waft of sweet desserts come from the kitchen and theres various photographs of his family. But I notice that most of the photos of Flameguys wife have been removed. Interesting.
I follow Flameguy into the sitting room, crossing my legs gently on one of the chairs. The house is oddly silent. "wheres flameguy jr? haven't seen his face for a while..." Flameguy jr sits across me, staring me down for a bit too long. I fidget under his gaze before clearing my throught and averting my eyes. "Uhm, whats...up?"
"Thomas." Flameguy inhales sharply before continuing "I'm worried about you. I gave you those pills to help you not hurt you. And I can tell you've been using way more that you need." he picks out his words carefully, arranging them neatly on his tongue.
My happy façade flickers slightly. "I-I just take as many as I need to to make the voices go away! I really. REALLy need them. I'm sorry. Can I please-"
"No. I am not giving you anything. Stop fucking Smiling like a madman. Now leave."
I open my mouth to plead again but the words dissolve at the look on his face. I nod my head before getting up from my chair and leaving his house.
⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔
(𝙛𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙚𝙜𝙪𝙮𝙨 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙖𝙮)!!!!!!
I watch as Thomas stalks out of my house and stare at the door long after he left before walking over to the fridge. 𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺, I think, grabbing a few beers and opening one of their lids. 𝘕𝘰. 𝘏𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴...𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘧𝘧. I take a hefty swig from the bottle, remembering the first time I gave Thomas his meds. The state I first found him in was...horrible. The look of despair on his face was... If it wasn't for me he probably would've killed himself right there and then. Thank god i've helped keep those thoughts at bay. I'm about to take another sip when flash backs of today replay in my mind. Maybe I should check on him...? Just to make sure that they're okay... I swiftly finish put the bottle down, toss the rest of the beers in the fridge again and grab a thicker jacket before walking across the road to his house.
"hey Thomas its Andreas- or Flameguy...I guess" I knock at his door lightly, before noticing its already unlocked. Interesting. Thomas is normally paranoid as hell, making sure every door and window stays locked.
I walk in and instantly pinch my nose. His house smells awful and looks a mess. The sink is piled stack upon stack of dirty dishes, last used ages ago. I walk continue looking around the bottom floor of his house, resisting the urge to clean and re-order everything. I find: a broken image of him and one of his friends-Soren I think it was? A large pile of empty pill boxes and a shaving razor, screwed out of its case. I bite down on my tongue before putting the blade in my pocket. Reminding myself that i'm here to see my friend and not look through his stuff, I make my way up his stairs. "Hey Thomas! You up here?" I pause when I realize that other than myself, I haven't heard a single sound inside this house.
I quicken my pace.
Since this is the first time venturing Thomas's house I briskly search through multiple rooms. In my quest I passed by; some guest bedrooms-the door handle covered in dust-His bathroom-more empty pill bottles (from a brand i definitely didn't give him a prescription for) and a large array of razors, each item adding to my concern-Until I finally found his bedroom. I hesitate slightly in the doorway before pushing through and entering.
And oh how I regret it.
The first thing I noticed was the overwhelming scent of iron in the room. My heart rate quickens as I squint against the darkness, trying to look into Thomas's room. Various different brands of pills and their bottles litter the floor as well as various pieces of rubbish. I look to the floor before seeing something shiny. Walking closer I realise what it is. A bloody knife. A feeling of dread develops in the pit of my stomach. "Thomas!? What the fuck happe-" My foot taps something soft and I instantly jolt back.
“Thomas?” My voice cracks, trembling. I crouch, reaching out with shaking hands over his collapsed body. 𝘏𝘦𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 I say to myself 𝘏𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘱𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯. All my futile attempts to re assure myself dissolve as I feel his arms jagged and slit with a array of cuts, the tips of my fingers coated in blood. I lift his hands up again and a empty medication bottle falls out. How could have I let this happen? How could I let him do this to himself again? I shake my head again to clear my head, as little help as it does. "Thomas wake- Tommy please wake up I.." My words catch in my throat as I lift his head up. His eyes are red and puffy, his face limp and calm. Shit. Shit. Shit. I fall to my knees, staring off into the distance, my breath coming in short raged burst, the promise of tears lurking behind each breath.
"This is all my fault," I mutter, my words tumbling out uncontrollably "Maybe if I stopped giving him drugs ages ago- if I helped him without the aid of medication. I should've come earlier I- why did i think that drugs would be the answer?"
The room closed in around me, shadows pressing tighter, the silence unbearable. I replayed every conversation with Thomas in my mind, each talk, every time he begged for my help, each moment I’d brushed it off as him being high off his mind. Now they all felt like warnings I had ignored. My chest ached with the weight of regret. I press my palms against my eyes, as if I could block out the truth, but the guilt only grew louder. “I failed you,” I whispered, rocking slightly, the words becoming a mantra. “I failed you. I failed you. How did I let you get so bad??” Finally, my voice breaks into a sob, and I let the words fall into the silence, knowing they’ll never be answered. The room doesn’t care. The world doesn’t care. And I’m left alone, drowning in apologies that will never reach him.