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The scrawled report on pearls desk isn’t the first she's gotten all season— Scars’ been having some issue with his lizard dinosaur… thing and Gem practically has become a pyromaniac around her this season (probably revenge for the pickles). And of course there've been smaller incidents, helping rescue hermits and pets from trees— monitoring the brush around Tango's Decked Out clearing, helping Gem survey the nether.
None of it is really out of the ordinary, it's exactly what she had expected taking on this new position for Hermitcraft, but this report in particular has a curious twist. Pearl takes a sip of the coffee Nugget was eyeing up, and scooches her squeaky wheeled chair towards the desk while it pounces away. A hot cup of coffee and golden sunlight filtering through her curtains is the exact jumpstart her brain needs to begin pursuing the firewatch report she’d half filled out yesterday.
Ren had called her at a miserable hour in the morning to relay the spotting to her (In honesty, it was probably a normal time, but Pearl is a night owl through and through). Two trees set on fire to the north and north west of his base. Luckily for Pearl's sleep schedule, he’d been able to put them out without a fuss. On a surface level this looks like just another Ren blunder, an easy mistake to make early season with fire tick on, but as her eyes trace down the form she finds more and more compelling notes like ‘trails of brush expertly arranged like a fuse line’ and ‘suspect fled the scene giggling cutely’. He phrases it weirdly, but Ren’s always dramatic so she doesn’t think much of it, that is until she digs deeper.
“Could you–” She interrupts her groggy speech with a yawn. “--give me a description of the perpetrator.”
These details are mostly for her own sake, keeping track of who's getting trigger happy, she doesn’t have actual enforcement power so it doesn’t really matter–
Ren is as chirpy as her ghast friend outside. “False did it!” He exclaims, and Pearl can hear the smile crinkling up his face as he says it.
Huh? Most Hermits were fine with being pranked, but none of them were usually ecstatic about griefing at their base. Calling it talented and cute as well was just… strange. False was also a wildcard pick. From Pearl's experience she’s hardly impulsive… more calculating, analytical. She didn’t even push Pearl down her xp farm drop when she was just carelessly leaning over it!
Of course, bizarre shenanigans have always had a place on Hermitcraft, but Pearl is sure there's something fishy going on here, and as Hermitcraft's dutiful firefighter, it's her job to follow the smoke.
It's Ren who is first through the office door; thick blue magic robes inscribed with arcane symbols sweep the floor as he steps up into the demountable fire house. Pearl raises her head with a nod and gestures at the seat– only to be plainly ignored as Ren turns around and holds his hand out for False. She graciously accepts and steps in, wiping her brown boots on the welcome mat.
“Welcome in, guys !” Pearl says, as they wiggle themselves into their seats “Do you know why I’ve gathered you two here today?”
Ren straightens his posture, and despite the heavy robes, Pearl can still see his tail, furiously wagging in excitement. “For a splendid ceremony of holy magic-mony ?” Ren gleams.
False sighs, raking her hair out of her face. “To write up Ren for his atrocious naming skills ?”
“Uh no to both of those?” Pearl taps her golden badge. “I’m a firefighter guys, isn’t the skin obvious?”
“Firefighters can be ordained ministers too !” Ren nods, as if he's stating some sort of well known fact rather than continuing his inexplicable connection between marriage and a summons to the Fire station . (Perhaps the effects of living near Joe Hills proximity may be more devastating than she’d thought.)
False sends him an icy stare that cools the office faster than a standing fan. “Pearl, do you take commissions? I have a new target in mind.”
Pearl opens her mouth and closes it quickly. “You know, you two weren’t this bad the last time I saw you together.”
“Awww Pearl we can’t be that bad.” Ren wraps an arm around Falses’ shoulder and presses his cheek against hers, grinning blithely.
“I know I'm fine, it’s this guy who's the real problem !” False shrugs his arms off, but leans back closer to him. They’re sitting at such weird angles Pearl wonders if their legs tangled together. Somehow this wouldn’t be the most surprising reveal of the day.
“False, we have eyewitness reports that you set two of Ren's trees on fire.” Pearl snorts, leaning back in her chair, it squeaks a little, which takes off the edge to her accusation, but it’s delivered, nonetheless.
“Wait whattttt I would never.”
Ren tilts his head “But I saw you—“
“Woah, woah woah, you reported me Ren?” She pokes his arm.
“Well there was a fire, and Pearl is a firefighter so why wouldn’t I tell her ?”
False rolls her eyes. “Well if Ren is reporting me I’d like to report him for stealing my intellectual copyrighted patented spider mana.”
“I’m afraid we don’t really press charges for—“
“Fine! He also took my sword from the spawner farm.” She quickly interrupts again.
“It was in good faith! I was quickly getting some iron from my base so I didn’t use up yours, baby.”
‘Well that's new’ Pearl laughs internally. She doesn’t think she’s ever heard Ren use that nickname on False before. He’s verbally affectionate to most of the Hermits, but she never seemed quite comfortable with it. Today is not an exception to that, it seems.
Her eyes widen like saucers, and Pearl swears she can see the tips of her ears turning pink. “T-that doesn’t change anything, you still took my nice sword — and not to mention the trespassing. Blimey ! This guy is always showing up at my base unannounced.” She deflects, crossing her arms with a huff.
“I tried to announce myself, but you said you had a headache when we were messaging earlier– ” Ren's ears flop as he wears the most pitiful puppy kicked in mud expression, he takes her hand again and False squirms, eyes darting quickly between him and Pearl.
“False– False look at me, I'm sorry !” He whines, his thumb is rubbing circles on her pulse, False is turning red. Pearl hasn’t seen casual affection like this since–
Oh. Oh so this was the joke Cleo was in on the other day. Pearl had thought it was a weird neighbourhood bit from last season but no. Nope. Her neighbours are together and they’re bickering and flirting and making it everyone's problem. Perhaps the Joe Hills effect needs not study, but instead whatever her friends have going on.
“Guys please I have no jurisdiction for stuff like this— I'm a firefighter not a policewomen or a couples councillor !” Pearl says exasperation filling her tone.
“W-wait we’re not–” False, perturbed, looks towards Ren for help, but all he’s doing is staring at her with a fond crinkled smile, tail furiously wagging. False presses her lips together, closes her eyes and exhales, shaking her head with a giggle. “Well at least I tried keeping it a secret.”
“What secret?”
“If you’d been paying attention to what Pearl was saying, you would’ve figured out she knows we’re together.” She flicks his forehead back and Pearl smiles cheesily.
“Um congratulations I guess ?” Pearl cheers. False and Ren giggle, leaning towards each other, and now she's sure their legs are intertwined. “Look–” She pushes towards them a small map of the server with marked in fire zones. “I just wanted to tell you guys about how dangerous it is with fire tick – I don’t care what you do but just be aware of how dangerous it is.”
“Wel yeah duh— that’s why I was doing it. Someone needs to get this oblivious guy to notice things– like his trees being lit on fire, or holding my hand in front of people.”
“Aww sorry False, I keep on forgetting who we’ve told.” Ren frowns. “But at least it’s only Pearl, she can keep a secret right?”
“I’d be more worried about your viewers than the server mate.” Pearl snickers. “But your secret is safe with me, I promise.”
“Thanks Pearl, you’re the best !” Ren exclaims, pouncing out of his seat to hug her across the desk.
“Is he always like this?” Pearl coughs, half muffled in fur and hair and his thick robes.
“Yes.” False pokes his side as Ren bounces back into his seat. She wraps an arm around his and smiles sweetly up at him. “Very much so.”
Pearlescentmoon’s List of Fire Hazards on Hermitcraft:
- Anywhere near Gem (and her dragons ?)
- Scars… lizard thing
- Docm77
- Nether Ghasts
Ren’s trees(False promises not to do it again)