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A soft creak woke Megumi from his slumber as he reached behind himself blindly. The bed was still warm, but there was a notable lack of his pink haired boyfriend.
With a quiet grunt, Megumi pushed himself up into a sitting position and rubbed at his eyes. Once he could finally see clearly, he was drawn to the light from the bathroom.
It was unusual for Yuuji to get up in the middle of the night. That man could sleep through an earthquake, so who could blame Megumi when a pit started forming in his stomach.
He shifted once more, wincing as his bare feet touched the cold wooden floor. He was silent as he padded towards the bathroom, eyes squinting as he drew closer to the source of light.
The sound of water became clearer now, hitting the ceramic of the sink and even splashing onto the floor. Megumi found himself frozen as he finally caught sight of his boyfriend.
Yuuji was washing his hands. Washing his hands with a blank look in his eyes, the rest of his body stood stiff as he functioned on autopilot.
Megumi watched for about a minute, waiting for his partner to turn off the tap, dry his hands and face him with a typical smile. Instead he kept washing.
His hands were turning red, whether from the heat of the water or the friction from the rubbing, Megumi couldn't tell. A nail caught the side of Yuuji's index finger, slicing along the skin and spilling red into the sink.
Megumi finally moved.
With a careful motion, he turned off the water and took each of Yuuji's hands in his own. The shorter man stayed silent, eyes still trained on the sink.
“Yuuji?” Megumi tried, thumbs rubbing soothing circles on his lover's knuckles.
Yuuji's hands began to tremble, as if the dry air was too much for them. He began to pull away, but Megumi fought back, holding him closer.
“Yuuji, what's going on?” Megumi tried again, quieter.
Still no answer. Yuuji couldn't get words out between his breaths as they grew in speed. His body finally began reacting; a shuddering following every heaving breath as tears began spilling from the man's eyes.
“Hey, hey. You need to tell me what's wrong,” Megumi soothed. His hands moved from holding Yuuji's own, cupping the wet cheeks as he wiped away fresh tears.
Yuuji's mouth trembled as he tried to speak, fluttering between open and closed before a sob was ripped from him.
“I- I can't-” he tried, only to cut himself off again. He curled into Megumi's hold, hiding his face against the taller chest as fear and grief washed over him. “I can't wash it off!”
He cried harder , white knuckling Megumi's sleep shirt. Hands began to run through his hair, separating the strands matted by sweat.
Megumi didn't want to ask more. He already had an inkling to what Yuuji meant, but as much as he wanted to wrap his boyfriend in a blanket, pull him close and lull him to sleep, he needed to be sure.
In the quietest voice he could manage, arms encircling his boyfriend's shoulders, he asked, “what can't you wash off?”
Yuuji's breath hitched, a whole body flinch following the motion as he pressed his nose deep into Megumi's collarbone. It was clear he didn't want to answer, but Megumi knew a lack of communication would only make things worse.
“I can still see it,” Yuuji began in a whisper, “sometimes when I wake up, everything is dyed in red. Blood drips from my hands, like it's all coming from me, and no matter how much I wash my hands I can't get rid of it.”
“How long has this been happening?”
Yuuji hesitated, “shortly after Shibuya…”
Megumi sucked a breath through his teeth, pulling his boyfriend closer at the thought. The thought that for the past four years, the pain and guilt Yuuji felt would manifest as such a gruesome image.
“Don't say it's not my fault.” Yuuji cut off his thoughts, pulling away in order to make eye contact.
Megumi looked deep into those bloodshot eyes and sighed, “I wasn’t going to. I was gonna ask why you've never told me.”
The shorter looked away again, leaning into Megumi's hold with a cheek on his shoulder, “it doesn't happen too often, and I can deal with it myself-”
“If rubbing your hands down to the bone counts as ‘dealing with it’ then sure.” Megumi cut off, holding back a sigh at his boyfriend's stubbornness.
A tangible silence sat between the two for a few moments, each unsure of how to proceed, before Yuuji finally looked at his hands once more. A gentle smile crept onto his face as he held them both in front of his face.
“They're clean now.”
Megumi returned the smile, grabbing a towel to dry any residual water, before rooting through the medicine cabinet.
“What're you looking for?” Yuuji questioned, slipping back into his usual tone of voice.
“Hand cream. Or just any moisturiser really,” Megumi explained, pulling out a small tub and twisting it open. He gathered a dollop of cream on his fingertips, taking Yuuji's hands once more and beginning to massage it in.
Yuuji blushed at the action, his typical dopey smile spreading across his cheeks.
“Thanks, Megumi.”
“Anytime, idiot.”
Yuuji huffed at the rebuttal, whining while the dark haired boy put the cream away. The light was switched off and Megumi skillfully guided the two across their bedroom, climbing back into bed.
Yuuji followed, allowing himself to be wrapped in his boyfriend's arms and pulled to sleep by the kiss on his forehead.