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When he grabs the blanket for the settee and leaves their room, she turns around feeling wrecked. For one moment, a few tiny seconds, she thought he would stay the night with her.
But she should have known that her life was never meant to be that easy. And although she recognizes the hurt she's caused to both the love of her life and her best of friends, the selfish and self-righteous part of her, the part that created an entire persona from her lowest instincts mixed with her need to express her trapped soul.. that wretched part, it rises up and reminds her that she tried to abandon her creations. For them, she was ready to.
And this second time, she only turned back to her writing for them! In the end, she’s keeping Whistledown to honor her new understanding of her identity, but the initial return was because protecting the Bridgertons has always been a priority to her. Colin doesn't know any of that however. Perhaps, he, unlike Eloise in the beginning, can hear this last truth that has stayed untold inside her mind for fear of being shut down again from another Bridgerton sibling.
Without her knowledge, she has opened the door looking towards Colin, who is abruptly sitting up from the chaise lounge he's made his bed for a week straight now.
"I tried to give it up, you know. Twice, that is." Pen quietly confesses.
Colin goes numb hearing the silent heartbreak in Penelope's voice. He looks up at her, trying to catch her eyes, and unlike her doing the same, or initiating it, as has been happening since that awful reveal, she is looking at the distance instead, as if hypnotized by the slow, almost burnt out now flame of their fireplace. "Pen? I.."
"Twice I attempted to give her up, to shut her-- myself, down."
"Whistledown." Colin says with his own sorrow mixing with Penelope's in a bittersweet symphony. But before he can get any word in to inquire further about this part of Pen's story, she continues her spell bound speech.
"I don't expect you to forgive me simply because I too have suffered from this mess. It has always been my mess and I shouldn't have involved you or Eloise. But I thought the least I could do is provide the whole picture for once. I'm not good at that when it involves my favorite Bridgertons apparently. But yes, I did try to give it up. For Eloise, because I hated myself for what I did to her and for you before posting my last column, the one that you discovered me through. In Eloise's case, I returned to my column the same way I started it. Out of heartbreak and a sense of the most misguided self-preservation. But for you, I would have never printed another issue, just to get to bask in your love. I've wanted your love for so long that when Eloise suggested I let Cressida take the credit, it didn't matter how empty abandoning any of my dreams made me feel. Because I got you instead. And women don't have dreams, they have husbands. My mother was right. I could never have both. And now, I'm losing both."
"Eloise asked you..?" Colin feels like he can't breathe. The way Penelope is drenched in such defeat is terrifying. He wants to go to her, embrace her, comfort her like the husband he's been failing to be for her. But before he can say something, do something, or even think of his next move, Pen nods in an almost maniacal way.
"She did and it would have worked, wouldn't it?"
"But you, why then did you pri-" he wants to slap himself for even voicing this half-baked sentence.
"To protect you. To protect your family. Both Eloise and I knew where Cressida's writing would lead. To the disgrace of the Bridgerton name, among anyone else who ever vexed the Cowpers. And when I wrote again, for once, maybe even the first time, for the right reasons, to give the unheard their voice, to help you and be true and righteous and protective, it felt like I finally became Whistledown in the best way I could, the way I have always wanted. I expressed myself like times before, but I got it right at last and I was free and myself fully. Even when you discovered me, I felt relief amongst the heartbreak for causing you such sadness. I always knew I was capable of burning myself up for you and your family to stay warm and unscathed."
"Pen, no-"
"I'm not saying this for you to pity me or even forgive me, but because that's who I am. I love you, I love Eloise and your beautiful family. So, all I want you to take from this is that I never, never intended to hurt any of you and that I'm not being stubborn by holding on to my literary persona. I'm just being myself in all the ways I can exist, messy and misguided and avenging, but truthful, real. Maybe you could love me in my entirety one day, maybe.."
"Whoever said I've stopped?"
"What?"
"I told you once and I meant it. You are my mess."
"So, you-"
"Our bond is still here, I am still here and I never intended to hurt you either. I'm just trying to be truthful to you and myself too. I hope you can understand this." Colin wants to say more, his thoughts are so frighteningly loud, so many, so jumbled, that he doesn't know how to express the volume of his feelings properly. He always needed to take time to process his emotions and he wishes he could explain to her that he's not mad at her anymore, hasn't been mad since the night before their wedding when she explained her side really. He's mad at himself and he has been struggling to put it all in simple words. He wishes he had a speech of his newest revelations like the first time he confessed his truth to her in the carriage. How ironic that he keeps creating distance between them when all he wants is for them to be one.
"I understand." Penelope says, defeated, and she is starting to face away from him. But he won't let them have another misunderstanding, no, he won't let her sleep with this pain, not anymore.
He grabs her arm and she freezes. Turning so slowly towards him as if time never existed.
"Don't-" they haven't been this close since their wedding dance. Once again their touch is electric, reviving. It’s as if together, they become stronger, a formidable life force.
His hand slowly travels down her wrist to her knuckles as he interlocks their fingers.
They both are looking at each other with eyes full of tears when a silent gasp, a masked sob, escapes Penelope, and Colin immediately pulls her in the tightest embrace he can as they start breaking down together. It feels cathartic, it's something they both need and they don't let each other fall apart without catching one another. They stay like this; letting their tears cleanse their being, caressing each other's backs for so long that it feels like sleep won't visit them tonight. This part of their journey to forgiveness takes the most solid form of healing.
Colin gathers Pen's tears with his thumbs from both her cheeks and she hesitantly does the same for him. Him letting her feels like the biggest kindness and proof that this will not be their forever. Colin understands Penelope even more after her confession and he knows his inner dialogue will soon have all the puzzle pieces missing and he will get to voice everything he can’t in the moment. They will move on from this pain.
Penelope herself understands Colin's need for distance better, even if sleeping apart will still hurt her. But this is an important step, so they never need to separate again the same way after they resolve everything, so they keep their connected hearts safe before they reunite. And she finally feels hopeful that they will. He allows her that hope. Their journey towards the end of this mess is not yet here, but it's finally visible from a distance. And they can make it.
They are each other's mess after all.