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Joel was so tired. his room was a mess, his dysphoria was killing him and he was crying in his bed alone.
now here’s the thing, joel doesn’t cry. basically ever. not infront of people, not at sad movies, not at death or breakups. but right now? warm salty tears were streaming down his cheeks.
Why? you may be asking, well, dear reader his life is ABSOLUTELY SHIT!
He has a girlfriend yes, but. they’re long distance. and he loves Lizzie with all his heart, but sometimes she just…stops being lovable? and it makes joel sick. it makes him sick that sometimes he hates how his life partner is acting. He knows she’ll mature. He KNOWS that she’ll get better at being not fuckin’ annoying and that she just doesn’t show her love well.
but right now?
he’s reading in bed. wishing he had a relationship that he felt loved in and knowing he won’t have that. but he’s gonna wait. it comes and goes you know? he’s just being a bitch over the details again. he wishes she’d be more like the version of her in his head. is it bad that he wishes that? he thinks so.
he looks out his window into the darkness, wiping his whole ass face cuz tears get fuckin everywhere.
why? why can’t he go to a normal school? why can’t it be like his books? why does he have to be labeled “female” by fucking everyone? why does he have to go to some SHITTY christian hybrid homeschool ass thing that overloads him with work and makes him want to kill himself?! why does he live in the middle of fucking nowhere? with nobody but his annoying and borderline abusive “mom” and his anger-issues-having dad. why? why does the world hate him? who the fuck deserves this? Joel apparently.
he’s been getting better. really he has. he’s shaking the self harm and stopped thinking about killing himself all the time.
but GOD. its getting worse every day. APPARENTLY now because of some STUPID pots diagnosis he has to go to the gym EVERY DAMN DAY. on top of that his workload is shit. and he hates his friends.
he just wants to die in a freak accident and be remembered like a legend. thats it.
he’s sick of people calling him crazy. he hates it. he hates everything. he wants to go home.
where even IS home?! he doesn’t have one! nowhere! with nobody! Lizzie is across the country, all his friends are online. he just. he’s sick. he’s so tired
joel was so tired