Chapter Text
Wooyoung had gotten used to feeling like a bug under a microscope anytime he became close with someone. It was a feeling he was used to but definitely not one he liked at all. He knew that most people didn’t actually mean to make him feel that way but the constant questions and skepticism didn’t help.
He likes to think it wasn’t always like this but thinking about it deeply he thinks the last time it truly was like that was when he was a child. Back when watching cartoons was the most important thing in their mind and instead of wanting to date their peers people just thought the opposite sex had 'cooties'.
Wooyoung thinks he is actually somewhat lucky for his way of thinking. He remembers how when everyone started being interested in dating he just let it slide off him. When his friends started dating the people they were interested in, he would simply listen to their troubles and give advice whenever he could.
Wooyoung obviously didn’t have any first hand experience but what he saw in romance stories seemed to help his friends so it never even crossed his mind that he was odd. That was until he joined his first company and started making new friends.
Previously all of his friends just saw his lack of interest in dating as something that was just Wooyoung but when he started meeting new friends and they got to know each other some pointed it out. It wasn’t even pointed out right away, Wooyoung remembers it being a build up over the course of a year or so.
After joining the company he made a few good friends that he would spend their training time, and very few free hours, with. Amongst those friends there was Yeosang, Yeonjun, Soobin, Taehyun and Doyoon. They had all become close overtime and with that came the questions. They obviously never started with the topic but he knew it all eventually led there.
At the time he hadn’t learned to dread the questions yet, he actually found it funny how people would be taken aback when he revealed he had never had a crush in his life. The friends he grew up with just knew this as a fact of his life but whenever he made new friends they were always incredulous at first. Typically it was surprise, followed by incredulity and then most people just moved on. Others, though, did not seem capable of letting it go. They could not understand how Wooyoung’s experience was possible and they seemed to feel a need to constantly question it, almost as if they were trying to catch him in a lie.
This time was not so different from that, albeit with much nicer intentions. Doyoon, who Wooyoung suspected had a crush on him, seemed unable to just move on from the subject. At first it wasn’t overbearing, it started with simple questions such as “Really? You’ve never had a crush before?”, “How about celebrity crushes? Everyone gets those.” or “Are you really sure? How is that even possible?” every so often when they had free time and chatted.
It didn’t really bother him at first since the instances weren’t so close together but overtime it became more frequent. Wooyoung had initially found it amusing but it started piling up, the constant skepticism and questioning of things that were just facts to him started to plant doubt in his mind.
Over the course of a year he had gone from proudly stating that he never had a crush to doubting if maybe he was the weird one for never experiencing something that everyone else had. He knew that Doyoon didn’t mean to make him feel that way, it seemed like he just couldn’t comprehend him but that is when it really started. Wooyoung had started to secretly question if maybe he was the problem, if something was wrong with him but surprisingly it was also Doyoon who unknowingly gave him the answer to his questions too.
During one of the breaks between dance practices they were sitting around the room in small groups just chatting about anything. Doyoon somehow brought up the topic again and was asking Wooyoung about different celebrities and if he found them attractive. Wooyoung’s answer was constantly that sure they were conventionally attractive but he didn’t feel any urge/desire to date them.
As a passing comment Doyoon said “Maybe you’re asexual or something?”
Not knowing exactly what that entailed he simply dismissed it with a laugh “Meh, who knows” and just moved on to a different topic but that word came back to him.
It was a week or so after that conversation when that word kept coming back to him almost as if his unconscious was urging him to look into it. He would think about it and wonder what exactly it entailed. He knew mostly of just the main sexualities but not this one so after a week he finally gave in and went to look it up.
At first he couldn’t find much information about it but the little he did find had him curious so he decided to look it up in western websites. His English wasn’t the best but he could understand enough and even translate it from some websites.
[Asexual (or "ace") is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others, though this exists on a spectrum. It's different from celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sex, and does not mean a person is incapable of love, forming relationships, or experiencing other types of attraction like romantic or emotional attraction.]
After looking into it more, everything that he read just made more sense to him. He could understand the experiences that people described and the feelings they shared about. What was the most shocking to him was when he got to the part about romantic attraction. He never knew that it could be different to sexual attraction, the thought would have never crossed his mind.
The more he read about being aromantic, the more things seemed to fall into place. At some point he had to stop and rub at his eyes because he had started crying without even realizing it. There was a word for it. He wasn’t broken.
Wooyoung remembers spending hours that night reading as much as he could find about aromanticism. He felt relieved, understood, and just seen. With this realization also came the understanding that romance didn’t seem to be in the cards for him.
At first that also brought him relief because the idea of actually being in a relationship had always stressed him subconsciously but that didn’t negate his love for romance stories. While he did dread being in a relationship himself, he had also dreamed of what kind of boyfriend he would be, the kind of person he would date, and the things they would be able to do together. He had imagined dates, anniversaries, simple everyday domestic moments, and maybe even a wedding some day.
The realization that he wasn’t the problem for not feeling romantic attraction also came with grief for all these moments he had imagined for himself. Perhaps these moments simply came from the expectation that this would have to happen to him someday, even if he deep down didn’t want them, but that didn’t negate that he had spent years dreaming them up.
After his life altering realization, Wooyoung kept quiet about his discovery for weeks. It was only after Yeosang, the one he considered his closest friend, confronted him about his weird silence that he was finally forced to gather up the courage to talk.
Yeosang had never been pushy, that was Wooyoung’s job, he was simply a silent support, he preferred to be a quiet observer until he deemed an intervention necessary. Yeosang had simply observed Wooyoung after he started having these silent moments, a silence that seemed oppressive and filled with unspoken words. From someone like Wooyoung, who loved to talk at all moments of the day, this silence was weird but Yeosang didn’t want to push.
He decided to give Wooyoung time to work through his feelings over whatever was going on, to process whatever problem he was having, and reach out when he was ready. It was until Wooyoung seemed on the verge of telling him something but stopping at the last second. He would go silent, as he had started doing lately, and then look towards Yeosang as if he desperately wanted to say something.
After a few of those instances, Yeosang decided it was time to intervene. He had waited until it was just Wooyoung and him. They had snuck out after practice for some late night snacks when Yeosang finally asked.
“Okay, what’s gotten into you lately? and don’t say that nothing because you’ve been too silent lately and we both know that’s just not like you.”
Wooyoung stayed silent for a couple of minutes while he gathered his thoughts, Yeosang patiently gave him the time, and when he was ready Wooyoung softly whispered. “D-do you remember that conversation we had in between practice with Doyoon some weeks ago?”
Wooyoung was nervously stirring his ramyun while Yeosang seemed to think back to the conversations they had. “I think so… vaguely. Do you mean one of those times when he was asking you about celebrities?”
Wooyoung took a deep breath and gave a small nod. Yeosang seemed to realize that he would have to push a bit more so he continued “Is Doyoon bothering you with all those questions? I could help you to ask him to back off if that’s what you need?”
Wooyoung took another deep breath before shaking his head and finally speaking again. “N-no, it’s not that. Well, maybe it would be good if he stopped but that’s not it. It’s that his questions lead to a… realization?”
“Realization of the ‘I’m gay’ kind?” Yeosang lightly joked to lift the mood a bit but it was also meant to show Wooyoung that he would not reject him if that was the case.
Wooyoung could only let out a weak chuckle at how spot on yet so wrong Yeosang was in his joke. If only it were as simple as him being gay, if only his biggest issue was to come to terms that he liked guys instead of just girls, if only he were able to get such feelings for anyone at all.
“Ha… yeah, something like that” While Wooyoung pauses to gather his thoughts and figure out how exactly to phrase it, Yeosang reaches out and holds his hand giving it a gentle squeeze to convey how he was here for him and ready to listen. Finally Wooyoung takes a deep breath and starts where he can. “It was a few weeks ago, when Doyoon was asking again and mentioned I could be something but I dismissed it at the time. I kept thinking about it and finally decided to look it up online.”
Wooyoung can’t bring himself to look directly at Yeosang as he speaks, simply looking down at his rapidly growing cold ramyun. He takes comfort in the way that Yeosang has started drawing soothing patterns with his thumb on the back of the hand that he was holding.
“H-he had asked if I was maybe asexual, and I really didn’t know what it meant but when I looked it up it said that it was a sexuality where the person feels l-little to no a-attraction towards anyone at all regardless of their gender.”
Wooyoung stops as he feels tears starting to form in his eyes. As relieving it was to know that it’s not just him that feels this way, speaking it out loud also makes it feel so much more real. Makes the fact that he will forever be the odd one out, he will never experience something that seems to unite everyone, that he will inevitably end up alone as everyone around him finds their life partner, real.
Unaware of the specifics of Wooyoung’s inner turmoil, Yeosang simply tries to remain calm and keep encouraging his friend so that he can finally unburden his mind. “I see. After all your research, is this something that you think may apply to you?”
Wooyoung gives a small nod, still unable to look up from his now forgotten snack, and mumbles “I know it does. Everything in my life makes so much more sense with it.”
Yeosang reaches over with his other hand and gently lifts Wooyoung’s face so that their eyes finally meet. “Hey, if that is what makes sense to you, I see nothing wrong with it.”
“...that’s not all”
Wooyoung tries averting his eyes again but Yeosang holds their eye contact while still tilting his head in a silent question. Staring at Yeosang’s eyes Wooyoung feels the tears finally overflow and silently make a path down his face.
“I-I came across another term… aromantic… it-it’s similar to asexuality but with romantic attraction”
“Hmm, I didn’t know those could be separate” Yeosang calmly interjects while still trying to process all this new information from Wooyoung.
“It-it explains why I’ve never had a crush on anyone. I don’t know what that feels like aside from what I’ve read, I-I really don’t know what that feels like and I don’t think I ever will.”
Yeosang could feel his heart break at the hurt in Wooyoung’s voice. All he could do was to keep holding his friend's hand while the younger continued venting.
“I won't ever know what being in love feels like, won't ever get to meet ‘the one’ that'll sweep me off my feet, will never get a romance like in the movies, won't get a happy little family that'll be just mine. I'll always be alone…”
“What do you mean?” Wooyoung seems a bit taken aback by Yeosang’s quick interruption but then just continues venting on with the tears falling even faster down his face.
“Everyone I know will eventually meet their life partner and with time it will become their main focus. I've seen it already. No matter how close friends are, when they start dating the friendship always takes a step back, which makes total sense, but I've seen friendships eventually sizzle out when they just don't have time for each other. And now I know, I'll never be someone's number one. I'll be forced to take a step back every single time and just watch as all my friends find happiness and be left hoping they have some time for me at some point-”
“Hey! No, Wooyoung. I’m here and I will promise you that as long as I’m here you’re not alone and you never will be. I won’t abandon you and I won’t leave you behind, that I promise you.”
At first Wooyoung doesn’t know how to react to his friend’s words, how could someone make such a promise so carelessly? Of course there’s no way that he actually means it or that he could actually keep such a promise but when looking into Yeosang’s eyes…
Wooyoung doesn’t want to get his hopes up, there’s no way that Yeosang could realistically keep this kind of promise but he wants to believe. He wants to believe that there could really be someone who won’t ever abandon him, someone who will be there for him, someone that will stick with him through it all.
When he looks into Yeosang’s eyes he can see that the older means his promise, with all his heart he truly means his promise. And Wooyoung? Wooyoung truly wants to believe him just as badly. With one last long look at Yeosang he decides that he will trust Yeosang, he will entrust his heart to this friend that has been with him since he started this journey towards his dream, he will believe this boy who has been nothing but kind and a great friend since the very first day they met when he decided they would be great friends and he felt close enough to bite his arm the very next day.
Having decided to believe Yeosang’s words, Wooyoung can’t help but to sob. He cries with the relief of knowing that he won’t ever be alone, he cries with the fear that it will be taken away and he cries into the arms of the boy who has promised him more than he could ever imagine.
All Yeosang can do is hold his friend as he sobs with the weight of the unimaginable and give his presence as the only true comfort that he can offer. The snacks they had initially snuck off for have long been forgotten and Yeosang doubts they’ll even matter anymore. Well, it’s not like he truly cares, all that matters now is that he now knows what was troubling his friend and seems to have been able to offer some sort of comfort.
When Wooyoung is finally able to calm down, they quietly clean up the remnants of their snacks and start to head back. As they walk, Wooyoung reaches out to hold Yeosang’s hand again and the older doesn’t jokingly shake it off as he typically would’ve.
They keep walking in silence for a couple of minutes until Wooyoung breaks it with a quiet murmur, “Thank you…for listening, for you words… for everything”
“No need to thank me, I meant everything I said”
“I know, and that’s exactly why I’m thankful but… can we keep this between us for now? I don’t- I don’t think I’m ready yet for anyone else to know about this.”
“Of course, if that’s what you want. This is who you are and you should be able to let people know when you’re ready.”
No more words are spoken after that but Yeosang can still feel the way that Wooyoung squeezes his hand tighter, almost as if it was his only lifeline left, just as he can also hear the way that the younger one sniffles with the silent tears that fall down his face once again.