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"...probably left a string of broken-hearted girls behind," Chimney joked. "Like our Buckaroo here before he settled down. Even if he is keeping his latest victim a secret."
"Ac…" Tommy was cut off before more than a vague sound could make it past his lips.
"I'm sure he let them all down gently," Buck said. "Probably still gets Christmas cards from them."
"Do you?" Chimney asked, teasingly.
"Uh no," Buck admitted. "But I'm sure Tommy here has all the girls convinced he's the one that got away. It's the pilot’s licence. The girls must go wild for it. I'm thinking of getting one."
Tommy laughed with the rest of them, but it felt hollow.
Like he'd just found himself back in the 118 at a different time. When Gerard was still Captain and Sal would brag about how many girls he'd hooked up with, and Tommy had swallowed back bile while he'd made comments about how girls loved the scars and let people think he was a player too.
It wasn't a good feeling.
*** *** ***
Buck knew something was wrong.
Tommy had been… distant, with him since the other night in the bar when he'd joined the rest of the 118 for a few drinks. He'd begged off going home with Buck, claiming he had some things to do before his next shift and while he hadn't ignored any of his messages the replies had been stilted.
He'd almost expected a message telling him that Tommy wasn't coming over for dinner that night, but he was just putting the finishing touches to the carbonara he'd made when the knock came at the door.
"We should talk," Tommy said, without preamble.
"Those words are never a good sign," Buck joked weakly.
Tommy looked… tired. Mouth downturned. Shoulders hunched. Like he was bracing for something.
Buck had a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Tommy…"
"I don't think this is working out, Evan."
Even though he'd half expected the words, he still flinched. "I don't… understand."
He'd thought things were going so well. They'd been together for nearly four months and sure no one else knew but Tommy had been ok with that. He'd been patient and kind and sweet. They'd talked about sneaking away for a weekend alone together.
Tommy sighed. "Evan, you know I've been fine with us keeping this on the downlow. You aren't ready to tell people yet and that's fine. It's more than fine. I'd never want you to out yourself before you're ready."
"But you're breaking up with me?" Buck asked.
"Not because you aren't ready to come out of the closet Evan, but because I'm not willing to go back into it," Tommy said.
"What?"
"On Friday, when we were all out and Chim joked about me leaving a string of broken-hearted girls, I opened my mouth to say there were no girls but before I could you were going along with it. And I know you were joking but it felt… not great. And I'm not trying to lay blame here or put any pressure on you. You aren't ready and I get that."
"I could…"
"No, sweetheart. Evan," Tommy faltered, obviously not intending the endearment. "You'd resent me for it in the long run, and I couldn't stand that. I'd never, ever want you or anyone else to out themselves on my behalf. Please don't think I'm punishing you for not being ready to come out. This isn't about you not coming out. It's about me not being forced back in."
"I swear, I won't say… I'll tell Chim…"
"Evan," Tommy said his name so softly he almost cried. No one had ever said his name the way Tommy did.
"Right," Buck said, blinking back tears.
"If you need to talk about this stuff, you call me, okay? I hope… you'll still consider me a friend. Coming out it's… it's a lot. Even when you're ready for it. If you ever are. That's okay too, you know, never being ready. Don't force yourself into something you aren't ready for," Tommy said.
Buck watched him walk out the door with a lump in his throat and a lead weight in his stomach, that he was pretty sure was his heart sinking down like a stone.
He wanted to be ready. For Tommy. For himself. But what did it matter now?
*** *** ***
Buck lasted two days before he found himself on his sister's doorstep.
He'd debated back and forth.
Should he talk to Hen? She'd 'get it'. Or Bobby, who was the father figure he'd always craved. He might not have the same perspective, but he'd always helped lead Buck to the answers he was seeking. Chim was out for obvious reasons and Eddie… he'd befriended Tommy too. Spent almost as much time with him as Buck in the last few months - even if no one else knew that.
But Maddie was… she was always there for him. Always accepting. Always forgiving. Maybe she'd remember something from when they were kids. Something to shine some light on this part of Buck he hadn't understood until Tommy. To help him get past this block in telling people - people he knew loved him and would be happy for him and proud of him - that he was… not as straight as he'd always thought.
"Alright, what's wrong?" Maddie asked, as soon as they were sat down at her kitchen island.
"I screwed up," Buck said.
"I might need a little more than that," Maddie said. "Is this about the woman you've been seeing?"
"I… sort of," Buck hedged.
"Buck…"
"I uh… said I wanted to keep it private for now, you know. I love the team but sometimes we live in each other’s pockets so much it's…"
"Hey, I get it. And I was fine with not knowing because you know I hate to keep things from Howie," Maddie said.
"Right. There was another reason though. That I… kept it quiet."
"Buck, are you seeing a married woman?"
"What? No!" Buck protested. He would never. Knowingly anyway.
"Okay, okay, that's good," Maddie said. "It isn't Taylor again?"
"Why would you… no, it’s not a married woman, or an ex, or… whatever else you're thinking. It… it was Tommy."
"Tommy…" Maddie looked momentarily confused, before realisation seemed to dawn. "As in Howie's Tommy? Use to work at the 118 Tommy?"
"Yeah," Buck said.
"Wow," Maddie said.
"Wow?"
"Not wow, just… I didn't know that your interests would lie in that direction," Maddie said.
"Me either," Buck admitted. "It just… he came over, after that basketball game? Where Eddie got hurt? And we talked and we… he kissed me, and it was like… wow."
Maddie smirked. "Wow, huh?"
"Shut up," Buck grumbled.
"Okay, okay. Getting back to the point at hand. You said you messed up?"
"I wasn't ready to tell anyone. About me. About… not being straight," Buck said.
"And he wasn't okay with that?"
"No, no, he was. He was really great about it but… when we were out with the guy’s last week I… sort of… Chim made a comment about Tommy breaking the hearts of girls everywhere and I butted in before Tommy could say anything. I didn't mean it too… or at least I don't think I did but… I think I did."
"Can you start making sense?" Maddie pleaded.
"Tommy felt like I pushed him back into the closet. Or stopped him coming out anyway. And yeah. I… did. I think…"
Maddie nodded. "But you didn't mean to do that?"
"I don't know," Buck admitted.
"Okay," Maddie said carefully. "Why would you do that intentionally?"
"I don't think I did it on purpose, but maybe I didn't not do it on purpose? I think… I've been trying to keep things a secret and maybe…"
"You were worried if everyone knew Tommy is gay, people would ask questions about you two?"
"Maybe," Buck admitted. "Not consciously, but… I think maybe, yeah."
"Oh, Evan," Maddie sighed.
Buck curled in on himself, where he sat. "I know. But Maddie I really… I really like him. I… I think maybe more than that."
Maddie came around and hugged him, her warmth seeping into him. She didn't promise it would all be okay, or give him meaningless platitudes, which he was glad of. But she was there. And that was exactly what he needed right then.
*** *** ***
Three weeks since he'd ended things with Buck and Tommy was only regretting it… pretty much any time he let himself think for more than three seconds.
The team had known he'd been seeing someone and obviously that they'd broken up, but the only person he'd told about who it was and why was Lucy. He'd felt terrible in outing Buck to someone without his permission, but Tommy knew she’d never tell anyone else, and he desperately needed someone to talk to.
She couldn’t give him any easy answers – he’d known really that she wouldn’t be able too, but it didn’t stop him hoping – but she was a good friend, listening to him and reassuring him that policing his own boundaries was important, even if it hurt.
Tommy had worked hard to get to a place where he was comfortable with his sexuality and while he didn't wear it on his sleeve, he hadn't actively hidden it, since the day he walked into Harbor for the first time.
He hadn't quite been brave enough back then to come out before leaving the 118, even with Gerard gone and knowing that Hen and Chim and most of the ones who were left after Captain Nash cleaned house wouldn't give a damn. But he promised himself he wouldn't hide it at Harbor, and he never had.
He may not be marching in pride or wearing cute little pins with his pronouns and sexuality displayed but if dating or romance came up, he was honest about it.
Which is why it had hurt so much when Buck lied on his behalf. He knew it hadn't been malicious. But it had inadvertently broken a promise Tommy had kept with himself for a long time. One that had been hard won.
"Kinard, I swear if you are pining about your boy again," Sylvia Mayor, his current flight partner's grumbles broke him out of his - absolutely not pining - train of thought.
"Not pining," he muttered. "Dispatch haven't been able to get back in touch with the hiker?"
They were flying over the Angeles National Forest in search of a hiker who'd called in that their partner had fallen down a ravine when the edge they'd been standing on gave way. The caller hadn't been able to give a clear location as they'd had to hike a distance from the fall to get through to 9-1-1.
"No. We're assuming they've gone back to the location of the fall. They said they had two flares, hopefully once they hear us, they'll fire one off," Sylvia said. "And you were absolutely pining."
"Well at least they took flares," Tommy said, ignoring the other comment. "A compass would have been useful."
"Maybe their partner had that?" Sylvia said. "Not everyone was a Boy Scout, like you Tommy."
"Oh, I was never a Boy Scout," Tommy said. "I just…"
Whatever he'd been about to say was lost as the chopper jerked and Tommy barely managed to keep from spinning completely out of control.
"What the fuck…" Sylvia shouted.
"Something hit us," Tommy said, as if that wasn't obvious. But he had no idea what and he didn't readily have time to worry about it as he struggled to keep them level. "We have to land. Look for any sort of clearing."
His own eyes scanned the horizon desperately looking for somewhere close enough to land that was relatively clear, somewhere that landing wouldn't make things worse, but as the ground came closer, he saw every possible option disappear. The area they were in was just too densely forested.
"Brace!"
*** *** ***
Buck was doing inventory. He didn't need to. The 118's inventory records were probably more pristine now than they'd ever been. But it helped keep him distracted.
Everyone knew something was wrong. Everyone knew he'd been dumped. But Maddie was still the only one who knew that it was Tommy. That it was a man. He'd retreated at every given opportunity until even Eddie stopped asking questions it was obvious he didn't want to answer about the end of his relationship.
He wondered if the questions would have been different if they'd known it was a man, but that felt unfair. He knew his family loved him. That they wouldn't care that he'd been dating a man. Only be upset on his behalf that he'd been dumped. But he only had himself to blame for that, he knew, so their righteous anger on his behalf wouldn't be fair to Tommy.
Buck was so glad he hadn't been invited by any of them to any hangouts that involved the other man. He wasn't ready to see him and not break down. He knew he'd have to get ready. Since the cruise ship, Tommy had been included with more 118 hangouts, renewing his friendships with Chim, Hen and Bobby. It wouldn't be fair to get between that, and it wouldn't be long before the inevitable happened, but it felt impossible. To look at Tommy and not feel heart sore.
"Buck, come on up for lunch," Hen called.
He sighed, but knew better than to say no. Even if he hadn't been hungry - nearly impossible when he could smell Bobby's mac and cheese from here - he'd never get away with avoiding everyone for long. They might have stopped asking questions directly, but the looks weren't exactly subtle.
Buck had just slid into his place at the table, when Chim stood up and went to the TV, flicking it over from the game screen it had been paused on, even as Sanchez and Peters complained about him turning off their game.
"Yeah, yeah," Chim waved them off as the news came on. None of them could see the screen from their angle at the table, but Taylor Kelly's familiar voice filled the loft as Chimney turned up the volume.
"...confirmation of a fire in Angeles National Forest. From the information we have been able to confirm, a helicopter crashed approximately an hour ago and the fire has been growing since. While it is still relatively small, fires at this time of year often spread quickly and leave devastation in their wake," Taylor said. "We haven't yet been able to confirm any casualties from the helicopter crash, but we do know there were at least two people on board."
"Damn, that's gonna be bad," Hen said.
"Okay, eat up and prepare for wildfire protocols. We could be called in to help with containment. Buck, you've been doing inventory, do we have everything we need?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah, Cap. We're all good," Buck assured. "We can stock the trucks with extra... everything, if we need to."
"Good. Let's do that. Just in case," Bobby said.
They may not get called; they didn't always but it didn't hurt to be prepared. Plus, it would keep him occupied from thinking about...
"Tommy will probably be kept busy for the next few days anyway," Chim said, as he retook his seat.
Buck's stomach twisted into knots. What were the chances? If they got called out... no. It was so unlikely. They'd never come across Tommy at a scene before. Not that they worked with air support often, but even if Tommy was there, he'd probably be in the air, not on the ground. Sure, he worked ground support as well, but they'd never crossed over. Not in years. The likelihood now was so small, he needed to stop thinking about it before he drove himself mad.
Several other voices had cycled through on the news forecast before Taylor was back on screen.
“We’ve had confirmation that the helicopter that went down was LAFD chopper 1701, that had been sent to rescue a hiker in distress,” Taylor said.
Buck’s head shot up despite himself, and he found himself moving before he thought about it consciously, plate abandoned as he got his eyes on the screen.
“We can confirm that a second crew were dispatched and have been unable to make visual contact with the downed chopper, who are not responding to hails. LAFD has not yet confirmed any details about the pilot, or who else was on board,” Taylor said. “There are unconfirmed reports that the LAFD chopper was hit with something unknown. We will continue to try to confirm this.”
Buck felt his legs buckle as Taylor continued to talk, advising the areas that were being evacuated and where people should avoid. He heard it all, but it wasn’t really penetrating. It was like a buzzing in his ears, as hands were suddenly on him, Eddie’s face close in front of him.
“Buck. Hey, Buck... look at me. Breath. Come on, do it with me. In... 2, 3, 4. Out... 2, 3, 4,” Eddie’s voice was steady, his hand on Buck’s shoulder, breathing in deeply himself to allow Buck to follow him.
Buck felt like his chest was caving in, even as he struggled to follow Eddie’s instructions, the buzzing in his brain receding. “I’m ok...”
“Right, sure, clearly,” Chim said, as he and Eddie helped Buck up and onto the couch.
“Buck,” Bobby sat on the coffee table in front of him. “I need to know what just happened. I can’t have you out there if you’re compromised.”
“1701 is Tommy’s chopper,” Buck said softly.
“You sure?” Eddie asked.
“Yeah,” Buck said. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Okay,” Bobby said. “That’s... obviously concerning. But Buck...”
Buck could hear the unasked question, his voice catching in his throat. “I...”
*** *** ***
Tommy came too, a blinding pain in his head, eyes stinging as he tried to focus. He remembered... something hit them. But there was nowhere clear to land, and he hadn’t been able to stop them going down.
“Thank fuck you’re awake,” Sylvia said. “I had no idea how I was going to get you out of here otherwise. Can you move?”
Tommy blinked, feeling like it was in slow motion as he turned his head, wincing at the pain spiking through it. “Vi?”
“Who else, Kinard. Come on. I’ve dropped some supplies, but if we’ve got another five minutes before this bird is in flames I’ll eat my hat.”
“You aren’t wearing one,” Tommy said.
Sylvia snorted. “I’ll fucking buy one for the occasion. Now, can you move or not?”
“Yeah I... think so,” he agreed. “I may throw up. But I think so.”
The chopper was balanced more than a little precariously and the sound of groaning metal as they moved was far from comforting, but now that Tommy was a bit more with it, he could both see and smell the smoke billowing from the engine, and he was sure Sylvia wasn’t wrong. This bird was going up in flames.
The rescue ladder was already hanging as Tommy manged to get himself into the rear of the chopper and Sylvia was strapping a backpack on. “Yours is already on the ground. Move. I’ll be right behind you.”
Tommy wanted to argue. But only because some hind brain part of him still subscribed to women and children first and not only would Sylvia kick his ass for that, but he knew it was stupid. He was clearly suffering a concussion. He wasn’t in a position to make the best decisions, and he recognised that.
The climb down felt endless. His stomach was rolling, his head felt like it was going to explode. He barely made it to the ground before he was on his knees emptying what felt like everything he’d eaten or drank for a week.
A bottle of water appeared as he wiped his mouth on his flight suit sleeve. “Thanks,” he muttered, swilling his mouth before spitting the water out first, before taking a couple of slow sips. “Ugh.”
“Here, take these,” Syliva dropped two Tylenol into his palm. “We need to move. Comms are out and once that thing goes up; we’re going to be outrunning a fire. Any obvious injuries, other than the head?”
“Nothing broken, I don’t think,” Tommy said. “Battered and bruised but I think the concussion is the worst of it. Are you...”
“Think one of my ribs is fractured, might just be badly bruised,” Sylvia said. “We don’t have time to do anything about it.”
Tommy could hear the whining of the shifting chopper above. “Right,” he reached to grab the bright backpack, stuffing the supplies Sylvia had dropped with it, as she stuffed more things into her own. Water, power bars, medical kids, pulaski and shovel tied onto the outside.
A sudden sharp bang above made them both jump – Tommy’s stomach rolled again, but he swallowed the bile that threatened.
Sylvia grabbed his arm and dragged them both quickly out of the way, as burning debris was falling.
“Move!”
*** *** ***
“I... it was Tommy,” Buck said.
“What was Tommy?” Bobby asked, at the same moment Hen gasped.
“I was dating Tommy,” Buck said, throat so tight with warring emotions he barely felt like he could even get the words out. “He has to be okay, Bobby. He has to... He has to be okay.”
“Buck... he’s the one who broke up with you? Why didn’t you say anything?” Eddie asked.
“It was my fault,” Buck said. “I was scared. To tell you guys...”
“He broke up with you for not being ready to come out?” Hen frowned.
“No. Look it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t... he’s out there, Bobby. He’s out there and he could be hurt or... no, no, he has to be okay... I need to tell him,” Buck babbled, pushing to his feet. “We gotta go help. You gotta call us in as responding.”
Bobby stood and put a hand on his shoulder. “Buck, I can’t do that. Even if we were called in... I don’t think...”
“No! You can’t bench me. You can’t. Bobby,” Buck begged.
“You’re compromised,” Bobby said.
“I’m fine,” Buck insisted. “It was just a shock. I can work. I need to. I need to be out there, Bobby.”
“Buck... Evan...”
“Don’t call me that,” Buck snapped.
“I’m sorry,” Bobby said softly.
Buck felt the guilt settle immediately. “No I... I’m sorry. I didn’t... I shouldn’t have snapped. I just...” Tommy called him Evan. And yeah, Maddie did occasionally. Eddie once or twice. But Tommy said it and it felt like him. Not the lonely, desperate for attention boy he’d been. Not the man who didn’t feel like he was worth anything if not to sacrifice for others. But just himself.
“Buck,” Bobby said more firmly. “If we’re called in to assist...”
Buck knew what he was going to say. He was going to side line him. He was going to make Buck stay behind. Nothing to do but wait and pray. He closed his eyes, blinking back tears.
Bobby sighed. “You stick to Eddie. You move more than ten feet from him; I will bench you so fast your head will still be spinning next Tuesday.”
“Thank you,” Buck croaked.
“Only if we’re called in. Go prepare the rigs,” Bobby said.
Buck nodded. “Yeah, of course.”
“And Buck,” Bobby said as he moved to follow orders. “I’m proud of you.”
Buck felt fresh tears spill down his cheeks. “Thanks Cap but... I’m not sure I did a lot to be proud of. I kinda messed up, if you didn’t notice the whole getting dumped thing.”
“Well like Athena once said. Being Buck means never giving up, right?”
*** *** ***
Tommy heaved, but there was nothing. His throat burned with acid that was all that was left.
"Sorry, but we need to move," Sylvia said, rubbing his back.
"Just another minute," he begged.
"Tom, we haven't got a minute," Sylvia told him.
Tommy knew she was right, but the blinding pain in his head wasn't being touched by the Tylenol she'd given him and his stomach was still rolling like it wanted to rip its whole self out through his throat.
He staggered to his feet, with her help. "Sorry," he muttered as they started walking. A generous term for his own stumbling movements, he thought wryly.
Sylvia gave him a grim smile. "We just need to get some distance. I think we're northwest of Big Tujunga. There are a few rivers coming off it. If we can get to one, we can follow it towards civilization. And hopefully it'll help keep us safe from the flames. Smoke will be the biggest problem then. But call me fussy, I'd rather pass out and choke on smoke, than burn alive."
"The fire crew at Big Tujunga will be one of the first units out," Tommy added. "Also, I'm supposed to be the pessimist here, Sylvia."
Sylvia snorted. "We can take turns."
Tommy gave a grim smile of his own in reply, as he focused all his effort in putting one foot in front of another for the next while. He had no idea how long had passed since the chopper had gone down. How long they'd been walking, or even where they might be.
He trusted Sylvia's judgement, and he had flown over the Tujunga dam on his way out so what she said made sense. But he couldn't have estimated if they were a mile from there, or a hundred.
He knew though, that every step felt like an eternity.
The sun beating down on them was not the only reason for the sweat that was pouring down his back under his flight suit and dripping in his eyes. His legs trembling with the effort of every step. His whole body felt bruised. But the pain in his head was the worst of it, a near constant pounding that made focusing on anything beyond the next step pointless anyway.
He just had to keep going. Just keep going. He repeated the mantra to himself. Keep going. One more step. Just keep going.
"Tom!" Sylvia's sudden shout startled him and he wondered what she was even shouting about be he realised he was on his knees, retching up the few sips of water he'd had as they walked along with the burning acid that soured on his tongue.
"Think... I might be out," he muttered. "Vi, you gotta..."
"Don't even fucking think about it Kinard. I'll heft your ass over my shoulder and carry you if I have too, don't doubt it," she snapped.
He didn't. He was no lightweight, but he knew she could do it too. But it would slow her down and while he'd tried to focus just on the next step in front, he wasn't unaware of the literal fire at their back. They'd kept ahead so far but he could smell the smoke. Knew that minutes could be the difference between life and death.
"Vi..." he mumbled.
"No," Sylvia said. "We're not doing this, Tommy. We're both getting out of here."
"Right..." Tommy knew he wasn't going to get her to leave him. "Had to try."
"Dumbass," Sylvia muttered, helping to drag him to his feet. Which yeah, was fair.
*** *** ***
Maddie showed up at the station two hours after the news of the downed helicopter, looking worried.
"Hey, just thought I'd uh... call in, on my way home," she greeted them all.
"They know, Maddie," Buck said tiredly. "Was there any more news? At dispatch?"
"Nothing you probably haven't seen on the news. Whatever happened, happened quickly. They weren’t able to call out a mayday" Maddie said, wrapping her arms around him, in a tight hug. "Are you okay?"
"Not even a little," Buck said with a humourless laugh.
"Hey, Tommy is a really good pilot," Maddie said. "I mean, he flew you guys into a hurricane. And they don't actually know that it was the helicopter that started the fire."
"We've all been telling him this," Hen said.
"I know," Buck said. "I know and I'm... I'm trying to stay positive, but this sitting around... not knowing. Not being able to help..."
Buck had no sooner choked out the words, than like the universe finally answering his prayers, the alarms sounded and they were all on their feet. "Station 118, report to Angeles National Forest for wildfire support."
Buck looked at Bobby. "Ten feet," Bobby reminded him.
"I'll stick to him so close, people will think we're conjoined twins," Buck promised.
Maddie gave him another quick squeeze, as they reached the trucks. "Be safe, please."
"I promise," Buck said.
He wanted - needed - to help. To find Tommy and know he was ok, but he wasn't going to be reckless. For one, he couldn't help Tommy if he landed himself in hospital. And for another, Bobby was trusting him.
He knew he hadn't always been the most... careful. But he'd grown up a lot in the last few years, in no small part thanks to Bobby and he was... he was going to do everything he could to make sure Bobby didn't regret letting him go.
"We're being directed towards Big Tujunga," Bobby said as they all strapped in, engines pulling out of the bay. "They have pinned down the chopper's location, northwest of there. They haven't got eyes on it, but that's where it's previous trajectory and the witness reports indicate they went down. However, air support has now confirmed there are two separate fires heading towards each other. The other is about ten miles north of the presumed location of the chopper.
"If they made it out of the chopper, they'd probably head towards Big Tujunga," Chimney said. "It would make the most sense. Get water between them and the fire. And Big Tunjunga station would have been one of the first to respond to the fire reports."
"They had to get out," Buck said, unable to consider anything else. He just couldn't let himself.
"It's pretty deep forest where they went down. The trees probably slowed descent but could have tangled them up," Hen said. "Still, Tommy's a hell of a good pilot. And from what I know of Sylvia Mayor, she's not the sort to give up easily."
"Yeah, Tommy... Tommy said she's pretty badass," Buck said.
"Captain Meredith is the incident commander," Bobby said. "We go where he tells us. If that means we're on fire suppression, Buck..."
"I know," Buck said. "But... maybe you could ask him about..."
"I'll talk to him," Bobby agreed. "We all want Tommy back safe and sound. Athena and I owe him our lives."
"We helped," Chim said.
Buck laughed in spite of himself.
*** *** ***
"Tommy," Sylvia was rubbing his chest, as he blinked his eyes open, disoriented. "Thank fuck. You gave me a scare."
"What..." Tommy struggled to sit up.
"You had a seizure," Sylvia said, helping him, before pressing a bottle of water to his lips.
"I don't..." he shook his head trying to clear it.
"Can you stand?"
"Yeah," Tommy said, although he wasn't sure he could. With Sylvia's help he got on his feet and after a few stumbling steps he managed to find his balance again. "I got it..."
"Shit, Kinard. Don't you dare die on me," Sylvia groused.
"Not dead yet," Tommy said.
"Yeah, well keep it that way," Sylvia said, as they kept moving.
Tommy had no idea how long he'd been out. How long it had been since the crash. Time felt impossible to keep track of. He almost wanted to kiss the ground with relief when one of the rivers that he assumed came off Big Tujunga, came into view.
"Here," Sylvia shoved a water bottle at him. "Take a couple of minutes then we'll try to find somewhere to cross."
Tommy nodded, beyond relieved, even as he cast his eyes back behind him. He saw the dark smoke rising high, the cloying smell in his nose, the harshness of it hitting his lungs, but mercifully somehow, they were still a good distance ahead of the flames.
"I fucked up."
"You didn't shoot us down," Sylvia said.
"I mean... with Evan," Tommy said.
"You want to tell me what happened?" Sylvia asked.
"He wasn't out... isn’t, I guess. He didn't know he liked men before me," Tommy said. "And I didn't mind that. I got it. I just... he said something, to some friends of ours. Put me back in the closet, so to speak. It wasn't intentional or I don't think it was, but I couldn't... I couldn't do that. It took me so long to accept who I am, Vi..."
"Hey, I get it. So, what's the fuck up? Sounds like he wasn't ready, which is understandable. But you're entitled not to want to be pushed back into the closet either," Sylvia said.
"Yeah but... fuck Vi, I miss him," Tommy said.
"You're in deep, huh?" She asked.
"Yeah," Tommy said. "I know it was only a few months but... I'm in love with him, Vi."
"So, we get outta here, maybe you call him up?" Vi said. "Tell him how you feel and see what happens."
"What can happen? He's not ready and I can't go back," Tommy said. "I'd do almost anything else he needed me to, but..." Not that.
"If you don't talk to him, you won't know," Sylvia said. "What's the worst that can happen at this stage, huh? You already broke up. And nearly died in a helicopter crash."
Tommy snorted and winced. "Fuck, your bedside manner is for shit."
"My bedside manner is a fucking delight. You're just an asshole who doesn't appreciate sound advice. Now come on Kinard, let's find a nice spot to cross and hopefully continue to stay away from the pretty flames."
*** *** ***
"We're going to dig firebreaks here and here," Bobby said, pointing at the map. "Hen, Chimney, you two are staying here on triage, we're short on paramedics up here, they've been back and forth with RA units and there are several civilians being brought in from campgrounds in the area. It's expected to be mostly minor injuries and smoke inhalation."
Buck tried not to let his disappointment show. He had a job to do. He was here; he'd get news as soon as they found Tommy. That had to be enough for now.
As everyone started moving, Bobby slid into place beside Buck. "I'm sorry, we can't be on the search teams, but the breaks are in the direction we expect they may have walked."
"It's okay," Buck said. "I know the job has to come first."
Bobby smacked his shoulder. "The IC promised to let me know if there was any news. I told him Tommy was one of mine from way back."
"Thanks, Bobby," Buck said, following him to their rig, for the drive up to the spot they'd be digging.
The fire was moving fast, and Buck knew that their only hope was containment and preservation of life. Every inch they could slow the spread might be the inch that gave Tommy time to escape. That was the thought Buck kept in mind as he worked.
Buck had no idea how long passed. The heat and smoke baring down on them as he forced himself to focus on digging. But he couldn’t quiet help himself but look up, every time Bobby’s radio crackled to life in his hearing, each careful shake of the captain’s head making his heart clench even as he forced himself to push the thought that maybe they were already too late... maybe Tommy was... No. No. He wasn’t going to think like that.
Tommy was going to be fine.
He’d probably stroll out looking all stupidly confident and unflappable and grin like he had no idea what they were all worried about and... and he’d be fine. Tommy would be fine, and Buck would have time to fix things. To tell Tommy he didn’t care who knew about them. He’d announce it on the six o’clock news. He’d ring Taylor and give her a fucking exclusive on how her ex she wrote the book about is now into dudes. He’s... fuck he'd do anything. As long as Tommy was okay.
“Take a break, Buck,” Bobby eventually shook his shoulder.
“I’m okay,” Buck said.
“Get some water. Take ten,” Bobby insisted. “You haven’t stopped for hours. Everyone else has taken a break.”
“I...” if he focused on digging, he could keep everything else at bay. Mostly.
“Water. Ten minutes,” Bobby repeated. Buck nodded, knowing Bobby wouldn’t be moved. And he was right. He didn’t need to give them something else to worry about instead of containing the fire.
There were a few other people at the truck where water was being handed out. All sweaty, dirty and exhausted looking. One of them handed him an unopened bottle, tipping his own towards Buck in a half salute.
“Thanks,” Buck said, downing half the bottle in a couple of gulps, his throat suddenly reminded that it was in fact parched.
“With the 118?” the man asked.
“Yeah,” Buck said, looking at the man more closely. Did he look familiar?
The man smirked. “Sal Deluca. I was at the 118, a lifetime ago. Captain Nash fired me,” he said. “We sort of met, when Howie got that rebar through his brain. Don’t expect you remember, it was a bit of a fraught night.”
Buck didn’t remember, but he did remember from Hen and Chim’s stories that Sal Deluca had been moved to the 122 after Bobby ‘fired’ him. And he knew they’d been on scene the night of Chimney’s accident.
“He fired me once,” Buck said, because he didn’t know what else to say. “Didn’t stick.”
Sal laughed, before finishing off his own water bottle and grabbing his helmet. Captain, 122. Had he known Sal was a Captain? He couldn’t remember if Tommy had mentioned it. He hadn’t talked much about his friends outside of Hen and Chim.
“See you around, Buckley,” he said, nudging a couple of the other firefighters that were leaning against the engine like they might fall asleep there. “Let’s get back too it.”
Buck watched him go wishing he’d said something more. Did Sal know Tommy was involved in all this? Did he know that his friend was there somewhere? Should he have said something?
Buck hadn’t met Sal - he hadn’t met any of Tommy’s friends – and he wasn’t even sure Tommy had told Sal about them, because he wouldn’t have wanted to out Buck accidentally, but that didn’t matter right? It wasn’t like he needed to tell Sal he was Tommy’s ex-boyfriend to let him know that his friend was in danger.
Buck decided he probably should, moving to go follow the other man and call after him, when he heard Bobby shouting him. His head whipped around, eyes finding Bobby’s as the other man took long strides towards him.
“They have them,” Bobby said, reaching Buck. “They are bringing them down to the incident command for assessment. Captain Meredith wasn’t able to give me much information on their condition, but they are both on their feet.”
Buck felt like his legs might give up under him, as relief swept through him.
Bobby steadied him, with a hand on his arm, looking from Buck to behind him where Sal had obviously heard him call before Bobby had shouted him.
“Uh...” Buck mumbled. “They found Tommy.”
“Tommy?” Sal asked. “Kinard?”
“Captain Deluca,” Bobby said. “Firefighter Pilot Kinard and Paramedic Mayor were in the chopper that went down. They have been recovered and are moving under their own power towards incident command.”
“Fucking Kinard, bastard wants to turn me grey I swear,” Sal grumbled. “I hadn’t heard who was on the chopper.”
“It’s why I... I was gonna say. I thought maybe you didn’t know. I only... my sister is a dispatcher so...”
“Nice to have friends in high places,” Sal said, with a teasing tone to soften it.
“I... yeah,” Buck said.
Sal looked at him, in a way Buck thought was assessing. “Nash, your boy here looks a bit peaky. Should probably head back down to base, get a proper rest.”
“What? No I...”
“You know Deluca, you could be right,” Bobby said. “There is an engine headed down in a few minutes to pick up another crew for the second line. Buck, ride down with it.”
“Bobby...” Buck wanted to go. He really wanted to go, but he had a job to do. Tommy was alive. That was enough for now.
“Buck...”
“Don’t argue with your Captain, Buckley. It’s unbecoming,” Sal said, with a wry smile. “He might fire you again.”
Buck watched the two men laugh and was pretty sure he was having some sort of stroke, or out of body experience or something.
“Go make sure that idiot is actually ok and tell him to text me, assuming he hasn’t fucked his phone and if he has, he can fucking find a way,” Sal said.
Buck was going to raise another protest, because he had a job to do, and maybe now that he knew Tommy was okay, he could give himself time to figure out what to actually say...
"Buck..." Bobby started to say, before his radio crackled and then there was a lot of shouting and Buck remembered Bobby grabbing his arm and dragging him towards one of the engines, before a roar of flame was flashing over them.
*** *** ***
Tommy couldn’t put the relief into words, when they walked straight into one of the search and rescue teams.
The medics gave them a quick once over - Sylvia tattled about his seizure, which was rude he hadn’t planned on hiding it, he wasn’t an idiot – and declared they’d need to go to the hospital. Tommy resisted the urge to make a bitchy comment. Because obviously.
They did at least give Tommy something a little stronger for the pain and as they made their way to the staging area, his head felt less like it was going to explode. His stomach had also finally stopped feeling like it was on a roller coaster. He still felt nauseous, but less like he was going to bring up his entire stomach because there was certainly nothing else left in there.
The base camp was an explosion of activity when they reached it, radios screaming and people rushing around.
Tommy and Sylvia were taken straight to the medical tent that had been raised, but he caught enough from the frenetic conversations to get the gist. A flashover. Unknown number of injuries.
He wasn’t surprised when they said they were going to keep them where they were, as RA units prepared for probable burn injuries.
“We’ll get you out as soon as possible,” one of the paramedics said. “I’m going to set you both up with IV drips for rehydration.”
“We’re fine,” Sylvia said. “Tommy here has a hard head. A concussion won’t kill him.”
“I’m more worried about another seizure, but that could have been from dehydration,” the paramedic said. “If you experience any worsening symptoms of pain, nausea, visual disturbances...”
“We know the drill,” Sylvia assured.
The paramedic – Tommy really felt like he should have asked her name – made a soft sound of displeasure, but there really wasn’t time for her to fuss over them.
“Do you think they got the hiker?” Tommy asked, when they were left alone.
“I hope so,” Sylvia said. “Was it their flare do you think that hit us?”
“No,” Tommy said. “A standard flare wouldn’t have been strong enough to reach us at that height.”
He hadn’t seen or heard anything approaching them, but whatever it was, had hit their rotor in just the right way to ensure they went down. Would someone have been stupid enough to fly a drone near them? Or worse, had someone shot at them intentionally?
Tommy’s thoughts were brought to a standstill as his eyes were drawn to the swinging 'doors' and the RA unit drawing up across from the medical tent. “The 118 are here,” he murmured.
“Your old station?”
“Evan’s station,” Tommy said. “I didn’t see their engine.”
Sylvia reached out to stop him from moving. “You aren’t in any position to be of any help to anyone.”
“I just want to check in with them.”
“You’d only be in the way, Tommy,” Sylvia said.
“I hope you weren’t thinking of moving, Kinard,” the paramedic who’s name he still hadn’t gotten returned, with a couple of IV bags in hand.
“The 118 are here,” Sylvia said. “Tommy used to be stationed there. He’d just concerned for some old friends.”
“I see,” the paramedic said, looking at him even as she started to clean Sylvia’s arm for the IV. “Some of the 118 was on the fire line near where the flashover happened. But we’ve not had any confirmation on injuries yet. They’ll be bringing the injured here for transport out. Stay out of the way and I’ll try and let you know if I hear anything specific about anyone from the 118.”
“Thank you,” Tommy murmured. “I... thank you.”
“Just listen to your friend. You’ve got at least a grade 1 concussion, possibly grade 2. You’re already going to the hospital. Don’t give the doctors more work.”
Tommy hated that she was right, but he knew she was, so he didn't argue.
*** *** ***
Buck was more shaken than he'd like to admit. The flashover had by some miracle not killed anyone. There were a few cases of burns, and Eddie had scrapped up the side of his face, when hitting the dirt, but he'd been the only 'injury' the 118 took.
but honestly Buck thought they'd gotten off lightly.
Two water tankers had flown in and dropped over the area they were in, everyone forced to take cover in and under the engines until they'd passed and further ground support had arrived, but it felt like days, not just hours before they were making their way back to the command post.
"We'll get cleared to leave as soon as possible," Bobby promised him. "And I'll find out where they sent Tommy and his co-pilot."
"If you get to him before I do, tell him I'm gonna kick his ass," Sal added. His crew's engine had been one of the first to leave with injured firefighters, so he'd hitched a ride back with them, staying on scene until things were more secure.
Buck wondered if anyone found it as ironic as he did that Bobby and Sal actually worked really well together, given their history. The two captains had taken everything in stride, keeping work moving, even as they rotated out those with injuries and new ground crews joined the line.
"Heard you guys had fun," Chimney greeted them as soon as they jumped down from the engine.
"I think I got out of the 118 just in time to avoid the worst of the crazy," Sal said. "Looking better than last I saw you, Howie."
"Wouldn't be hard," Chim grinned, slapping Sal on the back.
"I'm going to check in with Captain Meredith," Bobby said. "Eddie, let Chim check out that graze, clean it up. Buck I'll let you know as soon as we're ready to roll."
"If you want to know where Tommy went too, he's still in the med tent," Chim said.
"What?"
"He's got a concussion, dehydration and a stubborn streak as big as yours," Chim said. "Refused to leave, until he knew that you were okay. Well he claimed until he knew the 118 were okay, but..."
Buck gave the barest glance at Bobby who nodded and took off, headed for the medical tent, just in time to see the doors open and Tommy standing there. He looked tired. His blue flight suit was dirty and torn. A crisp white bandage covering the side of his head. But he was alive and on his feet.
Buck didn't give a damn who was watching as he all but flung himself into the other man's arms, mouth finding Tommy's as strong arms wrapped around him, holding him just as tightly as he was squeezing back. "I love you. I'm sorry. I love you," he murmured desperately between kisses.
"Evan..." Tommy gasped out softly. "Everyone is staring."
"I don't care," Buck said, cupping Tommy's jaw gently with one hand, the other still clutching at his flight suit. "I don't care who's watching. I love you, Tommy. I'm sorry I was stupid before. I don't even know why I... it doesn't matter. I was dumb and I'm sorry and I love you and..."
Tommy silenced him by kissing him again and only let him go, when a wolf whistle from Sal Deluca interrupted them.
"I love you too, Evan," Tommy murmured. "And you can fuck off, Sal!"
Buck laughed, even as tears sprung to his eyes, too many warring emotions spilling over.
"Hey," Tommy brushed the tears away. "It's okay."
"Sorry just... I thought... I thought I'd lost my chance to tell you," Buck said, his own hand still resting against Tommy's jaw, stroking his thumb against the stubble on his cheeks. "To make things right."
"You didn't do anything wrong, Evan," Tommy insisted. "You weren't ready, I wasn't mad at that."
"Okay, before we get into that whole thing... which seems pretty moot since I'm fairly sure half the LAFD now know with the way gossip spreads..." a woman Buck didn't recognise, but assumed from her flight suit was Tommy's co-pilot interrupted. "Tommy, you are supposed to be resting. They only agreed you could stay if you kept your ass sat down."
"Fuck. You're hurt. What am I even doing? Why are you here? You should have gone to the hospital, Tommy, you..."
"I'm fine. It's a concussion. I'm probably going to hate my life for a few days because my head feels like someone is playing the bongos on the inside, but at least I no longer feel like I want to hurl and the seizure was probably from dehydration so..."
"Seizure?" Buck pushed Tommy back into the tent. "Sit down. Chimney, you need to check him over."
"He's been checked over, Buck," Chim assured. "Hen and I even both checked him over again, when we had a minute. He's going to the hospital to get a scan as a precaution, but honestly, being hard headed, in more than one sense of the word, has benefited him in this instance."
*** *** ***
Tommy let Buck fuss over him, because it seemed to make him feel better, as they loaded him and Sylvia into the back of the 118's ambulance.
"Buck if you don't sit down and stop getting in my way, I'm making you ride back in the engine," Hen said.
"Sorry," Buck muttered, sitting quickly. Tommy almost laughed. He'd have done the same. Hen could be scary when she wanted.
Sylvia did laugh. "Oh I like you."
"I'm not sure the world is ready for you two meeting," Tommy said.
"Why? We're both delightful!" Sylvia said, daring him with a look to disagree.
Tommy groaned. "I'm never going to win this argument."
"Recognising that probably proves your brains aren't completely scrambled," Hen said. "Now, just sit quietly, let your boyfriend hold your hand like he is so clearly dying to do and try not to have any more epic romcom moments until I've passed you off to the hospital staff."
"God, that really was straight out of a romcom wasn't it?" Sylvia said. "I'm kind of jealous now that I think about it. No one's ever swept me into a kiss like that."
"Me either and I'm married," Hen said. "But I'd also hate it. I'm surprised Tommy here didn't feel the ground open up and swallow him."
"Oh he loves romcoms," Sylvia said.
"I hate you both," Tommy muttered, reaching out to take Buck's hand. "What did I do to deserve this?"
Buck squeezed his hand gently, pressing kisses to the back of it, but either wisdom, or exhaustion - Buck suddenly looked as exhausted as Tommy felt, he realised - kept him silent.
The rest of the ride to the hospital was mostly silent and then the usual rush of being wheeled into the ER, question after question, obs being taken and tests being ordered, Buck stayed as close to Tommy as possible the whole time, other than when he wasn't allowed.
At some point, Buck fell asleep in the chair beside him, leaving Tommy to his own thoughts. He probably should have slept too. But he was still kind of stunned about how the last few hours had gone, if he was honest.
He really hadn't expected - or wanted - Buck to out himself on Tommy's behalf. And he couldn't say he was disappointed about it, because he loved Buck. Walking away from him had been one of the hardest things he'd ever done.
But would Buck regret... Sylvia had been right. Half the LAFD probably knew by now. The gossip mill at the fire department, put even the nosiest of old ladies to shame with its speed.
Tommy was considering how to broach the question, when Buck mumbled. "Sorry. Didn't mean to fall asleep."
"It's fine," Tommy said. "Long day."
"Pretty sure yours was longer," Buck said, reaching out to brush hair from Tommy's forehead, in what was clearly an unsubtle bid to check the injury.
"Anyone one you walk away from," Tommy said. "I wish I knew what hit the bird."
"I'm sure they'll be investigating," Buck said. "Don't focus on that. Just get well first."
"Do you know if they got the hiker we were looking for?"
"I don't," Buck said. "I can try and find out."
"Hmm, I'd like to know," Tommy said.
"Tommy..."
"Evan..."
Tommy chuckled. "Can I go first please?"
"Of course," Buck said.
Tommy grabbed the hand that had come to rest on his chest after brushing over the head wound, taking it in both his own.
"I love you. Walking away from you was... it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, Evan," Tommy said.
"I'm..."
"Please let me finish," Tommy asked. Buck nodded, ducking his head. Tommy squeezed his hand, hoping it conveyed that he wasn't mad. "I just need to know you don't regret... coming out is such a private thing, Evan. I hate the idea you felt forced to..."
"I didn't. I don't," Buck said. "I just regret that I didn't do it sooner. And maybe not in a way that would give the whole LAFD a reason to tease me for eternity. I know you love romcom's Tommy, but I didn't plan on... but I already told the team. I had too. I needed them to know how scared I was. Because I knew they'd support me. And they did. The minute they knew why I was so scared, all they did was give me their love and support. I regret not trusting that before. I can't even say why I didn't because I knew, I knew they wouldn't see me any differently."
"It's never that simple. I knew when I was at the 118 that Howie and Hen wouldn't... but I still couldn't tell them," Tommy said. "I got why, Evan. I never wanted to force you out of the closet."
"You didn't. I mean, I already told Maddie even before all this happened. I didn't want to hide it. I really didn't. And I'm not sorry they know now. Or that they know about us. I mean... there... is an us? I sort of assumed, but we broke up and I shouldn't just assume."
"Evan, of course there is. If you still want that. I'm not sure I could let you go a second time," Tommy admitted. "Unless you want me too."
"I don't. I... I want a future with you," Buck said. "I know we were only together for a few months and maybe it's crazy to be thinking that far ahead but I've never... felt like this. And it's not because you're a guy. It's just... you."
"Well, you did sweep me off my feet," Tommy said. "I'd be an idiot to say no."
Buck laughed, a little wetly.
"Are you done now? I'm getting cavities just standing this close to you two," Sal interrupted, making them both jump, and Tommy wince, because okay, his head still didn't love him moving.
"I told you to fuck off, Deluca," Tommy muttered, glaring at his friend.
"Be nice to me, Kinard. I come bearing clothes that aren't going to flash your ass to the whole hospital," Sal said.
"Leave the clothes and fuck off then," Tommy said.
Sal laughed, unrepentant. "I can't imagine why you fell for this asshole, Buckley."
Buck shrugged, looking at Tommy softly. "I guess I'm just lucky."
Tommy smiled, certain that he was the lucky one.
"Ugh, are you two going to be like this all the time? I liked it better when you wouldn't introduce us," Sal bemoaned.
"You could just leave," Tommy reminded him. He loved Sal like a brother, but his head hurt too much to deal with his usual antics. And... he really just wanted to be alone with Buck.
Sal ignored him though, dropping onto the edge of his bed, since Buck occupied the only available seat. "But then who would regale Buckley here with exploits of your misspent youth? Did he ever tell you about Maurice?"
Tommy groaned as Buck looked at Sal with interest.
"No..." Buck said. “No, he hasn’t...”
Sal grinned and Tommy closed his eyes and hoped for a coma. He was lucky, he reminded himself, that Buck loved him.
But clearly the 118’s particular brand of luck was catching...