Work Text:
Coupé tapped Punch-Up's shoulder twice, causing him to look up and follow her gaze. They'd been alone in the breakroom for the better part of an hour now, not expecting anyone to come in since they had been alone for so long. They figured, since there was no more shifts for Z-Team, the rest had gone home and they could enjoy their takeout in peace.
Because they knew the second they went home, they weren't coming into work without a few new marks. So, if they stay at the office, they won't jump each other.
But, to their surprise, Robert had walked in and looked rough. Not in a "I've been in a brawl and won but at a cost,", but in a "I've had to do paperwork for six hours and am about to snap". The poor dispatcher opened the fridge, only to rest his forehead on the freezer.
"Jeez," Punch-Up scoffed. "You'd think he were pulling a car with that tension in his shoulders."
Coupé nodded. "Perhaps we should postpone and...assist."
"Awe, shite..." Punch-Up huffed but ultimately stood, knowing his wife was right. "Oh alright, what you have in mind?"
"Since you're all pouty–"
"I don't pout for nothing!"
Coupé rose her brow and Punch-Up held up his hands in defeat. "You can be the one to take him home."
"Home, aye~?" Punch-Up wiggled his eyesbrows.
"His. I shall fetch his pup," Coupé stood silently, kissing Punch-Up's cheek, which left a small print. She hummed, amused, and wipes it off before heading toward the door. "Be gentle."
"Oh, alright, but he don't seem the type."
"Colm."
"Janelle."
"Be gentle," With that, she was off.
Punch-Up grumbled a bit, wandering over to Robert. He paused, unsure where to start. Did he say hi or would that disturb Robert out of his sleep? Should he be letting Robert sleep like this? It kinda reminded him of a horse, how they slept standing up. Punch-Up feels like Robert would slap him or throw hands if he was woken up, which wouldn't hurt but still! It's not polite to startle a man being vulnerable.
Maybe he should tap Robert? Yeah, that sounded reasonable.
"Oi, Robert, you alive?" Punch-Up tapped Robert's arm, then shook it when he didn't respond. "Shite..."
Well, when in doubt, punch it out. But instead of punching, Punch-Up will just pick the man up. It'd be like holding a couple of grapes.
"Alright, here we go–" It was a little awkward at first, height difference and all, but, by the time Coupé came back, Punch-Up had a newly secured princess in the form of their dispatcher... who miraculously stayed asleep. "I think he's dead."
"Hah," Coupé held out Beef toward the sleeping Robert. Beef sniffed him, licked his cheek, but otherwise seemed fine. "Chien is satisfied."
"Chien? I thought his name was Beef–"
"It's French, dear," Coupé tucked Beef under her arm, picking up their takeout. The least she could do was make it seem like no one had been there.
"Oohhh, the ballerina language!"
"...you're cute," Coupé tapped Punch-Up's cheek and he instantly followed her out.
They traveled out of SDN, thankfully only receiving odd looks by night crew, but otherwise free ti take the dispatcher anywhere. But, Punch-Up and Coupé were not complete assholes – just murderers of some degree – and decided that home was the best place. Especially because Robert was dead asleep. Like, disturbingly dead asleep.
"Should we really reschedule?" Punch-Up asked on the way, half-jogging to keep up with Coupé.
"Mm, I do not want to," Coupé sighed. "But we have our mission now."
"Yes ma'am."
While walking was an excellent form of exercise, especially to an apartment a few blocks away, some folks think mugging is even better. It was only some minimal existence gang goons, bottom of the barrel bastards. If not under the guise of Superhero Morality, Coupé would happily handle these pair of fuck ups without another thought.
"Cash, wallet, you know the drill," One mugger said, hand half-outstretched.
"Sorry, lads," Punch-Up said. "The missus and I got plans tonight."
The other goon glanced between them and Robert. "...gross."
"Alright, ye bastard, we have standards here! Jan, they're insulting us!"
"Hm, what a shame, and here I was ready to listen to SDN," Coupé brought out several of her blades. "My dear, a lift?"
"And a launch," Punch-Up switched Robert to one arm, Beef set om the dispatcher's chest, holding out his hand. When Coupé stepped onto his palm at a deadly pointe, he launched her right at the idiotic muggers like the world's deadliest – and knife...iest...– softball. "That's my gal."
Coupè was satisfied, dabbing away excess blood from her lips. "A shame, I like this shade. It is a waste to be the color of bastard's blood."
"I'll find a shade similar for you, darling."
"If you dare."
"I do."
"Hm, so be it–" Beef tilted his head, Coupé instantly melting and picking him. "Oh, how weak you make me."
Beef licked a little blood on her chin.
"Ohhh, good boy."
"Oi, save the pet names for me."
"Hah," She tapped his cheek and was off, Punch-Up not to far behind. "Oh–"
Punch-Up picked up Coupé, letting her rest in his other arm. "There, can't be letting one get all the princess treatment."
"Oh shush you," Coupé wasn't about to complain though, especially when she was able to pet Beef.
Only irredeemable monsters would dare try to hurt a fat nugget of a precious baby like Beef. Coupé was not one of these people. Though her preference was more toward felines – elegant creatures, light on their feet, tolerating – she would make an exception for this chubby chihuahua.
It didn't take long to find and get into Robert's apartment. Sure, he probably had a key, but lockpicking was so much more fun. Once inside, Coupé settled onto her feet and let Beef down, tsking at the sad arrangements.
"At least he has a bed now," She commented. "Ten lamps, a bed, and some sad vibes. A pity."
"Aye, reminds me of home before moving in with yee," Punch-Up pulled back the covers before laying Robert down, tucking him in. "Awh, look at him, Jan, almost want to kiss him goodnight."
"Good morning, you mean."
"No, goodnight. Cause it's night and he's asleep."
"Good morning."
"Goodnight."
"Morning."
"Night."
"Morning."
"Nigh–"
"Shut the fuck up..." Robeet grumbled, his eyes fluttering open. He stared at the two with sleepy eyes, unsure what he was seeing before he shut them. "Tell me I'm dreaming..."
"I mean, we can make you see stars if ye ask–"
"Colm."
"Right, sorry."
Coupé smoothed Robert's hair, parting it from his forehead. "You have nothing to fear, we were merely returning you home."
"And here I was suspecting I'd be getting laid," Robert joked.
Coupé and Punch-Up humored him with a laugh.
"Awe come on, we're not savages," Punch-Up assured. "But, even on a good day, you couldn't handle us."
"Is that a challenge?" Robert was definitely off his rocker right now.
Punch-Up glanced at Coupé, who shook her head and tapped his temple twice.
"Sorry, lad, the boss said no," Punch-Up shrugged. "When your blood sugar is back up or something, then we can be having a bit of fun."
"I'm fine–" Robert tried to sit up, but instantly fell back down. "...the world is spinning."
"Oh dear," Coupé sighed. "I'll make soup."
"Alright, Jan, I'll keep the fool from hurting himself."
"You two do not have to do this," Robert said. "I'll be fine. This happens a lot anyways–"
"That's not comforting," Coupé went to the kitchen, searching the cupboards.
Punch-Up nodded. "You have poor circulation or something."
"No, it's–... well, yeah, but I don't have much balance as is because part of my ear is gone."
"All I'm hearing is excuses," Punch-Up tucked Robert in tighter, carefully picking up Beef and setting the chihuahua by Robert's head. "Now shut your trap and cuddle the Beef."
"...I'm not getting out of this, am I?"
"No," Coupé replied sharply.
Robert huffed. "Fine... how did you get me here anyways?"
"Oh, I carried ye."
"Cool, thank you."
"I stabbed muggers in your name."
"...uh, thank you?"
"You're welcome."
"...okay."