Work Text:
Turducken.
A chicken stuffed into a duck, stuffed into a turkey.
Who the FUCK came up with that? Sounded like a goddamn crime. Was the T capitalized? Did it deserve capitalization? What drunkard in Louisiana came up with something like a fucking Turducken? A ducking Turfucken?
This had better taste like God had spit in his mouth. Despite the hope, Philza had never seen such a behemoth. Well, maybe Kristin had, somewhere online in the deep recesses of YouTube Shorts. Specifically, at 3am, when you've scrolled for too long, then see something, and think to yourself, "Yeah, that's enough internet for today.
If only she were here to see this.
“Phil! Is the turducken ready??”
Oh. There she is.
Philza turned to her with a big fat smile on his face, motioning to the glorious turducken, glistening with oil and seasoning.
“Yep. Look at that. I think I’ve outdone myself." It took about four seconds before the facade fell flat like his expression, “What the fuck have I created, Kristin?”
“Oh, Phil…”
“A chicken in a duck in a turkey- That sounds sacrilegious!! Jesus Christ, honey, if Mom wanted a turducken so bad, then why doesn’t she just make it?! Come on, now!!”
The warm touch of Kristin’s hand caressed his shoulder. Philza found himself melting into the touch like butter in a pan.
“Look, she just…really wants to celebrate Thanksgiving.”
“But she KNOWS we don’t celebrate that!!! If we wouldn’t celebrate the Fourth of July, then we shouldn’t celebrate Thanksgiving! Stupid name, anyway.”
Kristin’s grip tightened.
“Look, your mother is an interesting woman.” She sighed.
“And what do you mean by that?” He whipped his head to her.
Kristin wasn't wrong. Mrs. Minecraft sure loved her American traditions. Fireworks on the Fourth of July, crying on Memorial Day, going to the cemetery to put flags on the graves. While still living in Britain.
Needless to say, Mrs. Minecraft did not care about Philza's values. About his traditions, or about him, really. The idea that he had settled down with a wife and had kids was just enough for her to want to spend time with him. Rather, her grandchildren.
He should've cut her off years ago.
“Phil, I don’t like her either. But you agreed to this. And if she wants to celebrate Thanksgiving just this once, then…maybe she should have her time.”
“Kristin. Baby. Light of my life. She moved to Britain when she was 2- There’s no ‘American’ pride there!”
“Well, Techno’s American, right? Maybe he’d like it.”
“Ohhohohoho, oh no. I’m gonna have to drag him out of his room. Really, I’ll have to do that for everyone. Kristin, nobody in the family wants to do this.”
Kristin took a moment to collect herself.
“Can we try? I just…I think it would be nice. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.”
"Are you sure?"
"No, obviously not!"
Philza met Kristin’s gaze, “Alright. Alright, I'll…I'll lie in my grave then."
Kristin planted a soft kiss to Philza's forehead, "Love you."
"Love you too."
_____________
“Boys!!! Come down here!”
Philza watched as his three children entered the room. The aura of 'I'm going to bite anybody who tells me to behave' stung the air.
Tommy was shoved into an old church outfit, fidgeting with his clip-on tie.
“Phil, I’m too old for a clip-on tie, I’m a big man!”
“Tommy, last time I let you tie your own tie, I had to call the hospital because you managed to choke yourself.”
“Awww.” Tommy awwwed.
Techno, of course, wore a black shirt with a suit and tie printed on it.
“Do you really not have anything else to wear?”
“Yeah, but I’m not wearing that.”
“Techno. Go change.”
“Bruh.” Techno muttered to himself as he slimed upstairs.
Wilbur sighed, adjusting the collar of his yellow sweater.
“There we go, Wilbur, that’s a nice outfit.”
“I wore it yesterday to the date with Quackity.”
“Did you sleep in that???”
“Yes?” Wilbur affirmed.
“Okay, okay, you know what? Fine. You look nice.”
“And I know about the story of America. 'Tis the season."
Techno called down from his room, “You watched Hamilton ONCE!!”
Philza bit his tongue.
“So?!?! I know America better than you!!” Wilbur snarled, looking up the stairs.
“Nerd, I was BORN there!!”
“Boys!"
Both boys looked up to Philza. Techno, now wearing a plaid flannel, joined them in his confused gaze.
“Look, I get it! Nobody wants to do this!! Nobody wants to dress up, sit at a table, and deal with Grandma Minecraft's bullshit. But I didn’t have a goddamn choice in the matter, so you’re gonna behave yourselves!! Tommy, no playing with your food.”
“What?! This is oppression!! You’re oppressing me, Phil!”
“Techno, try to actually talk to the family!”
“Can’t make me.” Techno muttered.
“I’ll unplug the router.” Philza threatened.
“You can make me.” Techno caved, feeling fear for the first time in weeks.
“And Wilbur?”
"Yes, Phil?"
"No politics at the table."
"…Fine."
"We're gonna behave ourselves?" Philza chastized.
"Yes, Dad." Wilbur, Techno, and Tommy replied, shuffling around uncomfortably.
"Got it. Got it. Good. Let's go."
________________
Lo and behold, there she was, right in the door. Wearing that dark green sweater, pearls just waiting to be clutched, and her greying hair curled and pinned.
Grandma Minecraft smiled, "Oh, Philly! Look at how you've grown, mwah-mwah-mwah-" These kisses on the cheek were not of love. Only tolerance. Only the joy that the bloodline had been continued.
"H-Hey, Mom."
"How's the wife? How are the kids?"
"Doing fine, doing fine." Philza looked to the side.
"Oh, there are my boys!" Grandma Minecraft opened up her arms as Tommy ran in with a hug tight enough to break bones.
"Hi, Granny!" Tommy grinned.
"Hey, Grandma." Wilbur nodded.
"'Sup." Techno mumbled.
Grandma Minecraft grabbed the two stragglers, pulling them into a hug. Wilbur and Technoblade looked at each other, wanting nothing more than release.
"I brought you guys some gifts!" She smiled.
"Oh, Mom, you shouldn't have!" Philza strained through his teeth, "As in, I told you not to!"
"Lighten up, Phil! It's just something small!"
She handed each of them a small box. The boys opened each one like starving lions tearing into a carcass.
Techno stared at the pair of socks, "…Thanks." He said, knowing they were far too small for him.
Tommy looked at the small model train. "…Thanks." He sighed, knowing he hadn't liked trains since he was a baby.
Wilbur glanced at the box of reeds, "…Thanks." He slumped, knowing he had stopped playing the clarinet years ago.
"And Phil, I brought a surprise for you! Uncle Ben and Aunt Carol turned out to be free after all!"
The world stopped.
Oh sweet lord, not Ben. Not Carol. Not both of them at the SAME time!
In walked the goof troop.
Uncle Ben noogied Phil, with his backwards cap and his far too expensive shirt, "Hey, Lil Phil!! Good to see ya, brother!"
Philza looked to Kristin for help as she pulled Phil away.
Aunt Carol smirked and laughed, "Oh, Kristin, you overreact too much! He's just saying hello! Not every day I get to see the…woman you married."
Philza was going to kill this lady.
Aunt Carol immediately ran to Techno and Wilbur, squishing their cheeks. He had to hold himself back from yanking them back from her, thanks to the look that Kristin gave him.
"Look at you both!! Such big, strong boys! Found someone you want to settle down with?"
Wilbur's face reddened a bit. Techno rolled his eyes.
"That's what you ask first?" Techno quipped.
"Well, yes! I've been thinking about it throughout the whole flight to Europe! Seems like Wilson-"
"Wilbur." Wilbur corrected.
"Seems like you've got a girl on your mind! Tell me! Who is it? What's her name?"
Philza watched as Wilbur's face sank slightly.
"No one special." Wilbur somberly mentioned.
"Oh, I'm sure I'll pry it out of you."
Uncle Ben grinned, nudging Philza, "So how's the job going? Still coding for that video game?"
"Yeah, yeah. It's on its beta release. Minecraft will be a hit, I'm sure."
"Phil, Phil, you gotta get something more consistent! Like accounting! Or real estate, like me!"
"I'd rather not." He'd rather die.
Grandma Minecraft chuckled as she walked inside, kicking off her shoes against the wall.
"Well, let's settle down! We've got some time before dinner, right?" Kristin managed.
"Yeah. Yeah." Philza looked to the floor.
____________
"Here, see, and here's Techno taking his first steps!" Kristin presented the precious photo within the album.
"Ohhh, how sweet!" Aunt Carol cooed, "Look at him go! Can't believe you got a picture of that!!"
"I did, I had to quiet my sobbing so I could take the photo." She laughed.
"Is that Wilbur?" Uncle Ben pointed out.
"Yeah, his first-ever concert. He played Hot Cross Buns with the band." Philza reminisced.
"Oh, that's my champion! How'd he sound?"
"It was music to my ears." Really bad music, but then again, it was a 5th-grade band, so there wasn't much to complain about.
"And is that Tommy?!" Grandma Minecraft reached to rip out the photo, as Philza grabbed her wrist.
"Yes, uh, yes, that's back when he did his little concerts." Kristin giggled.
Uncle Ben elbowed Tommy, "Still got it in you for one more?"
"Um, uh, Uncle Ben, aren't I a bit…old for that, innit?" Tommy shuddered.
Wilbur and Technoblade looked to Tommy, praying for Uncle Ben's mercy.
"Nope!" Uncle Ben moved Tommy to the center of the room, "Sing your song, sprout!"
Aunt Carol clapped, "Ooh, yes! A song!"
Tommy frowned, "Really, Uncle Ben, I don't want to-"
Grandma Minecraft frowned.
"J…Jump in the… Cadillac…" Tommy whispered.
"LOUDER!!" Uncle Ben jeered.
"Girl, let's put some…miles on it…anything you want, just to put a…smile on it…" Tommy choked out. "You deserve it, baby, you deserve it…all…and I'm gonna….give-hic- it to you…"
Philza stared at Uncle Ben, trying to project a beam of 'I hate you so goddamn much'. But based on how much the trio was hooting and hollering, he was too stupid to notice.
"Gold….jewelry shining so bright…strawberry…champange on ice…lucky for you that's…what I like, that's what I-sniffle-like-, lucky…I-I'm sorry, I can't-"
Tommy sniffled and ran back upstairs.
"Uncle Ben, he didn't want to sing." Philza snapped to Uncle Ben.
"What? Well, I did! He's a kid, right?"
"He's 12, he doesn't do that stuff anymore! They've grown up!"
"Of course they have!" Carol leaned towards Wilbur, "Remember that girl I mentioned you were thinking about, Wilbur?"
"I, um, ah-" Wilbur stammered.
"Go on! I'm sure Grandma would love to hear who she is!"
"I-I-! I um. I need to go. Use the bathroom."
Wilbur ran off, practically crawling up the stairs like an animal.
Techno's brows furrowed.
Grandma Minecraft looked to Techno with a look of expectation, "So, Techno, what have you been up to? Going to college?"
"Yeah, I'm uh…studying Fight Choreography."
Uncle Ben laughed, "Well, that's a fun degree! Now, really, what are you gonna major in?"
"…Fight Choreography. Y'know, for stunts, and…plays."
"That's not a job." Grandma muttered.
"What?" Techno locked eyes with her.
"I mean, look at Uncle Ben!" She continued, "Real Estate, that's a job! Video Games? Not a job."
Techno tightened his fist.
"This is about me. Not Dad."
"Well, seems like Phil's rubbing off on you." Grandma looked to Philza, "Honey, you've gotta teach him about the real world."
"Mom, why would you-"
It was too late. Techno was already stomping up the stairs.
Kristin was already running up the stairs after them.
A painful silence echoed around the room.
"…I need to go. I'll be back."
With that, Philza trotted up the stairs.
_______________
The sight of his and Kristin's bedroom was a nightmare. Tommy crying into his shirt, Techno squeezing a stress ball like no tomorrow, and Wilbur in tears, frantically texting Quackity about the situation.
Kristin was doing her best to comfort the kids, but of course, it was just too many people.
Noise.
And noise.
And noise!!
"Okay, okay, kids- Kids- KIDS!"
The room went still."
"This was a bad idea. This was a horrible fucking idea."
Tommy gasped, "Dad said a swear!" His tears slowed down.
"I shouldn't have let Mom come over with stupid….stupid Aunt Carol and Uncle Ben, I KNEW her coming over in general was a bad idea, but I…dammit, I caved! She's not going to leave unless I make her, and even then, she wouldn't! I'm…I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
Kristin stood, and put a hand on Philza's shoulder. Once again, he melted like ice in a warm bowl of soup.
"Honey, it's not your fault. You were just trying to be nice. It on her for-"
"Being a bitch!" Tommy chimed in.
"…Yeah." Kristin laughed, 'The point is, you can't blame yourself for her behavior. If she's being a jerk, that's on her. Not you."
"You're right, babe, you're right. Sorry, I just…I hated how she made you all so uncomfortable."
"Thanksgiving hasn't even started, and it sucks." Techno laughs, "What's the point of spending time with your family if you don't even like them?"
Philza's eyes widen.
"…That's it. Oh my god, that's it."
"Oh no. Dad's got an idea." Wilbur shudders.
"…Kids…remember how I said that everyone had to be on their best behavior?"
"Yeah?" Techno tilted his head.
A devious smirk appeared on Philza's face.
"I lied."
______________
The turducken sat in the center of the table, glistening with unholy juices.
"Where are they? The turducken's gonna get cold!" Grandma Minecraft whined.
Shambling down the stairs, with none other than a missing tie, a suit and tie shirt, and big fat grins on their faces…were the Minecrafts.
"There you are." Uncle Ben grumbled, "We were about to start eating with out you."
The five of them sat down, emotionally preparing themselves for the absolute shit that was about to go down.
"So who's going to say the prayer?" asked Aunt Carol.
"I'll do it." Tommy eagerly agreed.
"Oh, how kind of you!"
The family bowed their heads.
"…Dear Philza Minecraft. Thank you for being the biggest man ever. Thank you for making this amazing dinner, and not burning the Turchicken."
"Turducken." Philza corrected.
"Turfucken. You are the god of Minecraft. Amen, and A-Big-Man."
"Ah-Amen?" Grandma Minecraft stammered.
The family dished themselves up a hearty amount.
"Wilbur, could you pass the green bean casserole?" Requested Technoblade.
"Certainly, Technoblade."
Wilbur handed the casserole to Philza, who handed it to Kristin, who handed it to Tommy, who handed it back to Wilbur, who handed it to Techno.
Who handed it to Phil, then to Kristin, then to Uncle Ben-
"Huh?!"
To Grandma Minecraft, to Aunt Carol, then to Technoblade.
"Thanks, but I'm not in the mood for casserole."
Philza's family looked towards each other in confusion.
"Techno, could you please pass me a bread roll?"
"Of course." Techno smiled as he chucked a bread roll at Tommy. It bounced off of his head, just before Tommy caught it and shoved it in his mouth.
"Tommy, use your manners!" Aunt Carol gasped.
Wilbur giggled to himself. "So, Grandma, what is your opinion on the economic state of the world under President Schlatt?"
"I-I think it's good?"
"Good that Techno can't afford to move out?"
"Well, yeah!! People who work hard deserve money! Not slackers!" Uncle Ben chimed in.
"So Techno, who works forty hours a week, with college, doesn't deserve money?" Philza added.
"No, um-" Uncle Ben stuttered out.
"Oh, by the way, Tommy, your vaccination appointment is tomorrow." Kristin smiled.
"Really?! I love microchips!! And autism!!" Tommy snickered, using his hands to dish himself up some stuffing. Aunt Carol bit her tongue.
Techno ripped a chunk off of the turducken, and shoved it into Wilbur's mouth.
"Mm. Tastes like Atheism." Wilbur said with his mouth full, "My favorite flavor."
Grandma Minecraft grumbled and whipped her gaze to Philza. "Philza Minecraft, if you don't get control over your children-"
"Techno, I bet I can eat more turducken than you." Philza challenged.
"You're on!!!"
The both of them gobbled up the turducken as quickly as possible.
Tommy smiled, finishing his mashed potato sculpture, and presented it to the group. "I made the Eiffel Tower out of potatoes.
Techno hiccuped and looked to the statue with glee. "I approve."
"I can't take any more Turducken, Techno, you win."
"Technoblade never dies!" Techno cheered, clearing his throat.
Grandma Minecraft slammed her hands on the table. "Phil, what are you doing?! Are you torturing us on purpose!?"
"Yes." Philza smiled, bearing a mouth full of turducken at her.
"Gross!"
"You know, Grandma Minecraft, what's interesting about American history, is that Christopher Columbus was actually a horrible human being who brought slavery and disease over to North America."
"H-He's a good man who discovered America!"
"No, he's-"
DING. DONG.
Wilbur smiled like a cheshire cat.
"Oh, I wonder who that could be!"
Philza stood, and opened the door.
"Hope I'm not too late to the party." Quackity smiled.
"Well, Aunt Carol, I thought you should meet my boyfriend."
"Boy-Boy-Bo-Bo-Huh?!"
Wilbur pulled Quackity into a passionate kiss, making sure that Aunt Carol was looking the whole time. As he pulled away, Wilbur cradled Quackity's face.
"I love you, baby."
"Love you too, honey."
They repeated the words 'I love you' to each other as much as they could.
"Ooh, Kristin, we should do that! I love you I love you I love you-"
"I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you-"
"Techno, shall we?"
"I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you-"
"I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you I tolerate you-"
"SHUT UP!!!!" Grandma Minecraft cried, "…You…have been so disrespectful. To me, to Aunt Carol, to Uncle Ben, to our time!! They flew all the way over from America for this?!?!!"
Philza stood from his seat, collecting himself.
"I kept telling you I didn't want to have a Thanksgiving dinner. You kept yelling at me, and pushing me, calling me a horrible son, and- I'm sick of it!! If you want a nice thanksgiving dinner with a happy loving family, then you can take your plates and watch Full House!!! Now GET OUT OF MINE!!!"
Within two minutes, the intruders had left, taking everything with them.
A peaceful silence.
"That went better than I thought it would." Philza sat back down.
He looked to his family, smeared with food, now joined by Quackity.
"Can I um…have some potatoes?" Quackity asked.
"'Course you can, Quackity, long as you're dating Wilbur, you're part of our family too."
Quackity smiled, sitting down next to Wilbur, and prepared himself a plate.
"Now this is a family dinner I can deal with." Philza laughed, "Who wants pie after this?"
The table was a gobble of "Me! ME!" and "Yes, Please."
It was the best thing he had heard all year.
_________
They never did celebrate Thanksgiving after that. But every Christmas dinner they had after that year, Philza would get at least 20 calls from his mother, begging for one more chance for a 'nice family dinner'.
Philza already had all the family he needed. It took a while before Grandma Minecraft stopped calling. But the only person who kept getting invited to Christmas dinner was Quackity. Now with a wedding ring given to him by an ever-enthusiastic Wilbur, promptly before asking him for a slice of Beef Wellington and mince pie.
Thanksgiving didn't need to happen, anyway. He was thankful enough already.