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It was hard living with her long-time crush. The woman she’d had feelings for since high school but never told. She’d never tell. She felt sick for feeling attracted to Joyce, romantically and sexually. There’d been moments where they brushed against each other, something totally innocent. And there had been moments where she’d walked in on Joyce changing, shocked by what she hid under her baggy tee shirts and even more shocked that Joyce wasn’t repulsed by her stare. Joyce just laughed it off because she found the situation awkward but a little funny. But Karen left the room feeling ashamed for feeling turned on by the sight. She beat herself up by drowning herself in alcohol. She did that for eighteen months, never a huge fan of it before. But seeing her crush every day and not being able to do a damn thing about it did that to a person. It turned her into an alcoholic.
She was depressed. The woman she loved barely noticed her and she lived in her fucking house. That’s how she saw it anyway. Joyce was always so damn busy, off to see her boyfriend who lived somewhere else. The fact that she left Karen every morning to be with Hopper killed her even more. But she wore that perfect pearly white smile every time.
Karen had a routine despite her depression. Every morning at five she woke up. She showered and got ready. She did her makeup and blow-dried her permed hair. She woke her husband up and laid his clothes out for him. She got her youngest child up for school. She got started on breakfast as soon as possible because she always had to cook a lot. And by the time she was completely finished, almost everyone was at the table. Everyone but Joyce because she usually slept late, tired from the night before because she stayed out late. With HIM. Karen hated that she hated the heroic man.
She always tried to snag the seat beside Joyce. But she wasn’t able to today and it’s not like she could tell Will to move. He was her son and that would look weird, asking to sit by his mother. His mother clearly wasn’t interested in her. Karen found herself staring at Joyce a lot. She wondered if Joyce noticed. She was squeezing a syrup bottle onto her pancakes, distracted by the brunette arguing with her sons. Her voice was faded until she looked at Karen, noticing her stare. Karen registered her confused face so she shook her head, realizing she’d made a mess, syrup all over the table.
“Oh” Karen breathed. She felt so stupid. So pathetic. “Joyce, can you pass me the paper towels, please?”
“Uh sure” Joyce grabbed the roll off the holder and reached over the table to give it to Karen.
“Thanks” Karen grabbed it and took a few sheets off to wipe the table, everyone watching her confused, even her usually-negligent husband. She noticed their stares and smiled nervously. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
“Probably that alcohol” Ted murmured before sipping his coffee. He could comment rude shit when he wanted to but usually it wasn’t directed at Karen. Sometimes at his own kids but usually at the Byers.
Karen scoffed at his audacity. “Excuse me?” She looked at him. He locked eyes with her and shrugged, sipping the dark liquid loudly, pissing her off more. She breathed through flared nostrils, biting her cheek in anger. She noticed the stares especially Holly’s and forced a smile, not wanting her to think she and Ted were arguing. As if Holly didn’t already know that. “Your hair looks nice, Holls” She stroked Holly’s pigtail, making her smile slowly. Karen smiled and got back to eating, not gaining the courage to look at Joyce again because if she did, she’d get lost in a trance once more.
She just wanted to get through breakfast. If she was lucky, Joyce would stick around and maybe they’d at least get to have a conversation. But Joyce didn’t have time for that. She barely had time for anything, always meeting with Hopper (and El). She’d be happy just to get a glimpse from Joyce. She didn’t know that Joyce’s worried eyes were on her throughout breakfast. But Joyce got back to her task which was scarfing down breakfast and packing some for Hopper and El. They all knew Hopper was living somewhere but had no idea about El. Only the Byers and Wheeler kids (except for Holly) knew about El’s existence. It was all so tricky, keeping that secret. But Joyce had done it for a year and a half so she figured she was good at it. She was halfway out the door after her kids when she realized something. She turned to Karen abruptly.
“Hey, I’m not going to be able to wash dishes today, I’m sorry. I got a late start-“
“It’s okay, Joyce, I understand. Just go if you need to” She said softly, her voice sweet as always to Joyce.
Joyce smiled as she registered the look on Karen’s face. She saw a dullness in the blonde’s eyes that she used to not have. In high school she’d been so full of life, someone who was going to make something out of themself. She wasn’t that girl anymore. Joyce knew that. She herself wasn’t the ambitious teen she once was. Life had sucked them dry in different ways. And Joyce felt ungrateful for not bonding with Karen about it. They were lucky enough to have shared experiences way back then and live under the same roof. Lucky enough to know each other and the opportunity to get to know each other better, yet Joyce was always too busy for her, unaware that Karen followed her around like a lost puppy. Joyce just felt bad about not being there to do dishes but maybe it was more. Maybe she was realizing her actions.
“You can talk to me if you want. Just so you know” Joyce gently stroked Karen’s arm. Karen’s eyes immediately went to her hand, the fact that it was still there making butterflies fly in her stomach. Karen swallowed hard and looked back at Joyce’s pretty face. “I do have to go now, though.”
Karen smiled and nodded. “Thanks. You too. I’ll see you later.”
Joyce smiled and dropped her hand before turning around. She shut the door feeling better about herself and also the opportunity to get close to her longtime estranged friend. Karen was left with a sense of hope and impatience, waiting for Joyce to get back home so they could talk. Just to really converse with Joyce Byers, that made her happy enough. All she wanted was someone to fucking talk to at the end of the day.
-
Karen had a glass of wine per usual, standing at her kitchen island. The kids were asleep and Ted was in the backyard playing golf. Per usual. She looked forward to Joyce coming home so she stayed up, not drinking in her bed or bathtub. She waited up for her. She wondered what they’d talk about. She wondered how far her drunk mind would go. Hopefully not far. Hopefully, she wouldn’t tell Joyce she was madly in love with her. That probably wouldn’t be good. When she heard a car pull up she smiled and wiped wine from her nude-tinted lips. She smirked and headed to the door, the glass glued to her hand. The keyhole rattled because Joyce had a key. She opened the door, making Karen smile.
“Hey.”
“Hey, Karen” Joyce sighed as she walked in, clearly tired from the day she had. What she did, Karen had no idea.
Karen smiled as she passed her and shut the door. “How was your day?”
“It was good. Really good” Joyce nodded with a beaming smile. It made Karen feel good to see that beautiful smile, one that showed true joy. Joyce didn’t show it a lot so Karen was glad to see it. She also felt honored to be in her presence in that state.
“Good!”
“Yeah” Joyce giggled with excitement, looking away.
“So what did you do?” Karen dared to ask, just knowing it was about that son of a bitch Hopper. She hoped Joyce wouldn’t spill about her sex life with him. Karen didn’t think she could handle hearing that.
“So I actually need to talk to you about that.”
“Oh” Karen swallowed nervously. “Okay. Do you want me to pour you a glass? We can sit on the couch and drink and chat-“
“I can’t stay, I have to get back to Hopper. I’m helping him with something at the cabin because I’m moving in with him.”
Karen’s heart broke and her smile fell. Joyce was leaving her. She wasn’t even hers but she was leaving her. Now she’d never have her chance to get close to Joyce and pray for more. So fucking naïve. So disgusting. So selfish. She hated herself for even wanting to be with Joyce that way.
“Is that okay? Can the boys still stay here?” Joyce asked, her body language already showing she was in a hurry to get out of there. Back to her precious boyfriend.
Karen swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, hoping her wet eyes weren’t showing tears. If they did, Joyce didn’t mention it or care.
“Thanks, Karen, you’re the best. I’ll come by tomorrow to get my stuff. I just really need to help Hop tonight. But I wanted to let you know my decision first” Joyce was already on her way to the door, like she couldn’t wait to get away from Karen. It killed Karen, seeing her rush away like that.
“Of course” Karen smiled and blinked, a tear slipping down her powdered cheek.
She quickly wiped it while Joyce had her back to her. Joyce opened the door and smiled back at Karen one more time before officially moving out. She left and shut the door. Karen’s heart shattered just like the glass in her hand would as soon as Joyce left. As soon as that pinto was gone, Karen threw her drink against the door where she’d seen Joyce leave her. Glass shattered on the floor, red liquid everywhere. Karen hated what her life had become. Her face scrunched up as emotion overtook her, making her fall to the floor. She sobbed quietly into her hands only it wasn’t quiet. And no one checked on her despite hearing her because they were used to her drunk outbursts. But Karen would never grow used to the feeling of Joyce not being hers. She hadn’t in over two decades and she never would.