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Thrawn blinked against the blinding white light above him, his head feeling achy and sore in the oddest of ways. He winced, pain shooting through his head as he did so. He tried to reach up to rub at his head only to groan in pain, the rapidly developing migraine behind his eyes so intense that it made him feel paralyzed.
He heard shuffling off to his right side and the light behind his eyelids dimmed, letting him finally blink and look around at his surroundings. His eyes landed on Eli as he glanced to his right, some of the tension fading from Thrawn’s body as soon as he spotted him. The man approached, standing by his bedside and cupping the side of his face. Thrawn felt himself sigh in response before letting himself lean into Eli’s hand. He let his eyes fall shut afterward, enjoying the way Eli’s thumb very gently rubbed the side of his face in soothing circles. He didn’t know how he got here or why Eli was here, all he knew was that he didn’t want to move, he wanted to sink into the feeling Eli’s gentle touches always brought him.
“Sir,” Eli suddenly said. “Please look at me,” he requested for reasons Thrawn couldn't understand at the moment. “Thrawn,” Eli then said, this finally getting Thrawn to open his eyes again.
Thrawn’s eyes burned slightly in the way they did when Thrawn had not slept in days, and yet he knew logically all he had been doing was sleeping. He watched Eli, trying his best to keep his eyes open as Eli leaned closer and examined them. Finally, Eli pulled back, Thrawn immediately tensing again over the absence of the other man’s hands.
“Eli.” The name slipped before he could stop it, Eli freezing in place as he stared at him in slight surprise before his expression seemed to soften.
“It’s alright, I promise,” Eli said as he sat down next to him, reaching out and grabbing his hand. It wasn’t as good as his cheek, but it made him relax again nonetheless. He felt Eli squeeze his hand, Thrawn trying his best to weakly squeeze his hand in return to show some kind of reassurance. He let his eyes fall shut, the exhaustion that had been tugging at the back of his mind finally overtaking him. As he fell asleep all he could think about was Eli’s gentle touches. Eli’s hand on his shoulder, Eli’s fingers brushing his, Eli’s knee nudging his, Eli’s hand on his cheek, Eli’s thumb rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hand. Eli Eli Eli Eli….
***
Eli sat next to Thrawn’s cot in the med bay, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing against the man’s palm as Thrawn lay there unconscious. He’d been holding his hand for hours already, and still he felt unable to move it. He was reassured by the man’s pulse above anything else, but he knew at the end of the day this was more for Eli’s own sake than for Thrawn’s.
He squeezed Thrawn’s hand, savoring the moment of intimacy Thrawn wouldn’t remember when he woke up. He looked back at his data pad, trying to distract himself from the incident aboard the Chimaera only a day earlier. He tried not to think about the way Thrawn had touched his shoulder, looking at him with a pained expression as he apologized before falling to the bridge's floor. He tried not to think about the way he felt Thrawn’s heart stop, starting CPR only to have the man ripped away from him by the medics. He tried not to think about the way he had grabbed Thrawn’s tea after, pressing the tea to his lips and tasting the same poison that was strong enough to stop Thrawn’s heart when the right amount was consumed. The chances they had managed to find the antidote for it, the chances it had been a common enough poison, the chances they had all acted fast enough to save Thrawn and catch the culprit...Thrawn was lucky to be here, beyond lucky.
Eli let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and trying to think of something, anything, reassuring. He imagined himself away from this dingy medward. He imagined he was in Thrawn's office, no, they were at a restaurant. He was sitting across from Thrawn, a happy Thrawn, one who was lecturing him about one of the art pieces they had seen in the museum they recently visited. He brushed his leg against Thrawn’s under the table, Eli gaining a silent comfort from the small act. He imagined scooting Thrawn’s tea over to him after the waiter refilled it, their fingers brushing momentarily and Thrawn giving him that small, but thankful smile. Thrawn would say something like “thank you for listening,” as he concluded, having no idea just how much Eli truly did enjoy listening.
In this scenario, of course, he would dismiss the thoughts that told him he was touch starved, that told him this need for affection was completely one-sided. It had been…so long since anyone had shown him any form of physical affection, and he knew he needed to stop trying to fill said desire by using Thrawn, even if he wished he could be more open with Thrawn more than anyone else.
It was hard to stop once he started. It was hard to stop the small brushes of fingers, gentle touches of their knees under tables, nudges of arms, gentle hands on each other's shoulder. Yet the more confident he was, the more likely he was to make a mistake. He recalled this past-ascension week and the way he had secretly wrapped his arm around Thrawn when they had been forced to share a bed and Thrawn laid asleep next to him. It was so risky, and yet in his tired, desperate mind he had deemed it a good idea. He hadn’t tried it again, despite the fact Thrawn hadn’t caught him. In a way, he wished he had. He wished Thrawn had rolled over and let him continue, reassured him that Eli wasn’t the only one who wanted affection so badly.
Eli opened his eyes, looking at Thrawn and his relaxed expression. He then looked back down at their hands, at his desperate and slightly embarrassing attempt to comfort himself. He wondered again how Thrawn would react, if he would flinch away or deliriously move closer to him as he had hours earlier, back when Eli was trying to check on him and made the mistake of maintaining their contact a bit too long. Eli sighed, giving in and leaning his head against their joined hands, closing his eyes again and trying his hardest to clear his over anxious thoughts.
A quiet groan from Thrawn a short while later made him jump slightly, Eli quickly looking up at him before pulling his hand away just as quickly. He turned momentarily and checked the lights, reminding himself they were still dimmed before he watched Thrawn blink awake and look at the room around him. “Eli,” Thrawn greeted suddenly, his voice a little smoother even if Eli could tell he was still a little loopy. The liquid painkillers Thrawn had been given through his IV recently were extremely strong, one of their side effects usually being drowsiness with the added fun effect of making their user a bit delirious. Sadly, it was the best painkiller they had that was strong enough to help Thrawn with his current injuries while being compatible with the chiss’s biology.
Eli felt a small smile tug at his lips, faint relief washing over him. “Yes,” he said, ignoring the informality for now.
Thrawn smiled at him, actually smiled. Eli startled looking at him, the smile soft in a way he had rarely seen. “Yes,” Thrawn repeated, his words sounding a bit slurred now that Eli could pay more attention to it. Thrawn narrowed his eyes a little at him, leaning to the side slightly as if Eli’s expression was the most interesting thing Thrawn had ever seen. He hummed a bit, pulling back.
Eli raised his eyebrows in return. “I’ll go tell the medics you’re awake,” he said with a bit of amusement, standing to do exactly that when Thrawn tried to sit up, wincing slightly when he moved too fast. Eli rushed over and gently pushed him back down, being extremely careful of the rib that the medics informed him had been broken during CPR.
“No,” Thrawn suddenly said, breathing a bit roughly. “Don’t,” he finally said, his eyes meeting Eli’s in an intense stare.
“I’ll stay,” Eli said slowly, staying still with his hands carefully placed on Thrawn’s chest before his surprise wore off and he slowly sat back down in his chair.
Thrawn let out a sigh. Eli silently noted the ways in which Thrawn was just slightly more expressive when the man didn’t have time to think about hiding said expressions. “Why don’t I just call the medics then?” Eli asked, smiling at him reassuringly only to get a borderline glare in return.
“No,” Thrawn said, the bluntness of it a little startling.
“Thrawn,” Eli grumbled, sighing slightly. “They gotta check up on you. You are delirious right now, you aren’t thinking right because of the pain killers.”
“Excuse me?” Thrawn asked, sounding genuinely offended and surprising Eli with the usage of two words said a bit more clearly.
Eli laughed against himself a moment later. “I’m calling them,” Eli said, flinching when Thrawn swiped his arm over, Eli close enough to the bed that Thrawn almost managed to reach him and knock the comm out of his hands. Thrawn groaned again as soon as he did so, pulling his arm back to his side. “Just because you’re on painkillers doesn't mean you can’t feel nothin,’” Eli reminded as he began calling the medics. Thrawn crossed his arms as he looked at Eli like he had just betrayed him.
The call ended and less than thirty seconds later a couple medics came in. The women looked Thrawn over, walking to his bedside to begin asking Thrawn questions, all of which Thrawn was very unreceptive to; with some questions not getting a response at all while others got small, slurred sentences.
“What year is it?” The medic asked, inspecting Thrawn’s eyes as she did so.
“Time is…an innnnnvented construct,” he slurred, waving her off tiredly before covering his eyes.
She huffed amusedly. “Well…” She turned to Eli. “He’s a bit delirious, if you couldn't tell, but he seems overall to be doing alright. These effects should wear off within the next day or so when we begin weaning him off of pain killers,” she informed as if Eli was his caregiver; in a way he was.
He nodded to her, thanking her as she left the room. Thrawn let out a sigh as soon as she left. “Finally,” he complained, looking at Eli who raised his eyebrows at him again.
“Why do you have to be so rude?” He asked, knowing he wasn’t going to get a response that made much sense but trying anyway.
“I don’t want them,” he slurred, looking at him with a slight frown.
Eli smiled slightly against himself. “Well, they're gone now,” he said before hesitating. “You want me to stay,?” He asked, Thrawn quickly nodding at him.
“Please,” the other man whispered, reaching out to him in a way that shocked Eli slightly.
Eli gently took his hand, Thrawn relaxing into it and even making an attempt to scoot closer and wincing. “What’s wrong?” Eli asked, watching him closely.
“Closer,” Thrawn said, looking tiredly as he weakly squeezed his hand.
Eli felt a slight blush come over his cheeks as he thought on that request. “Closer?” He asked, scooting his seat closer.
Thrawn shook his head, reaching over and grabbing Eli’s arm in an attempt to pull him even closer than that.
“Thrawn,” Eli grumbled, feeling himself blush again. “The only way I could get closer would be if I sat in bed with you,” he said, Thrawn’s eyes widening slightly over the suggestion before he nodded.
Eli hesitated, not knowing how to react to this request. He didn't understand why Thrawn seemed to want his affection so badly, what about his condition made him suddenly so desperate for physical intimacy in a way Eli had never known him to be before. And yet, the more selfish part of himself didn’t care, the more selfish part of himself wanted to take advantage of this while he still could.
Thrawn gently held Eli’s hand, moving it over to his cheek and letting it rest there. He let out a breath, relaxing into the touch just as he had when Eli gently held his palm against Thrawn’s cheek hours earlier.
“Thrawn…Sir,” Eli began quietly. “You’re gonna be embarrassed if you remember this,” he warned, as if Thrawn could make that conscious decision in this state.
“I would never,” Thrawn suddenly snapped at him, Eli's eyes widening as Thrawn genuinely glared at him. It was also the most coherent thing Thrawn had gotten out so far.
Eli’s eyes wandered to his hand, Thrawn’s own tightly holding his wrist against his cheek. “Thrawn,” he said quietly, gently going to remove Thrawn’s hand from his wrist. Thrawn hesitantly let go, even if he looked to him sadly as he watched him do so. He held his head down miserably, like a puppy that had just been kicked. “This is krytt-spit,” Eli muttered under his breath even as he stood and moved to sit next to Thrawn in bed. Thrawn slowly tried to sit up as soon as Eli sat there. “Thrawn, no-” He tried, Thrawn just pushing himself up on a seated position all while his expression contorted in discomfort. Thrawn held his head, wincing slightly once again before turning and leaning all of his body weight against Eli, relaxing into his touch despite the clear pain sitting up was causing him.
“Lay down,” Eli said, trying to ignore the way Thrawn was currently nuzzling the ridges on his forehead against Eli’s shoulder. Thrawn made a sound of discomfort when Eli slowly moved them both to lay down in bed before his entire body relaxed.
“Eli, Thrawn said again, trying to move a little closer and pressing his forehead against the side of Eli’s head in a way that caused Eli to blush deeply over the closeness of it. There was something very obviously wrong with Thrawn, and yet he couldn't figure out why, even in this delirious state, Thrawn would crave his closeness so badly.
“T-Thrawn,” Eli returned, unable to control the way his face radiated heat that he was sure was more than obvious to Thrawn.
“I…” Thrawn began, clearly having a lot of trouble properly articulating his thoughts. “I…am sorry,” Thrawn eventually said, grabbing Eli’s hand and pulling it over to his chest and unintentionally allowing Eli to hear Thrawn’s slightly sped up heartbeat that the heart monitor in the corner of the room confirmed. Eli turned to look at him, their lips brushing against one another’s for a brief moment that made Eli shiver. He made eye contact with Thrawn, wondering yet again just how conscious the man was of his current actions.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Eli returned quietly.
Thrawn squeezed his hand weakly. “I don’t want-” He paused for a short moment. “Don’t leave,” he said again, Eli looking at him in confusion.
“I’m right here,” Eli reassured, not understanding but chalking this up to Thrawn being a bit delirious.
“I have…to ask you to,” he said again, looking at him with eyes that appeared to droop.
Eli furrowed his eyebrows. “Leave? Now?”
“No…don’t,” he said again, pulling Eli closer and pressing his nose against Eli’s arm. Thrawn let out a shaky breath as Eli reached over and rubbed a very delirious Thrawn’s arm with his free hand.
“I ain’t leaving, Thrawn. I’m here,” he said, Thrawn relaxing and finally letting himself close his eyes. All the while, Eli couldn’t help watching his always stoic Admiral and wonder what exactly he meant by Eli leaving, and why it was he was so desperate for touch in a way Eli thought he was alone in.
***
Eli sat in his small shuttle headed to unknown space. He held Thrawn’s journal close, flipping through the pages as slow as possible in order to savor every word in them. He neared the end, his eyes widening as he flipped to the final chapter.
“To my dearest friend,” the words at the top of the page stated, Eli’s eyes softening as he traced over them. Slowly, he read the contents of that page, his eyes a bit watery as he processed their meaning, but more than that, processed what went unspoken. He reached his fingers upwards, gently touching his lips as he remembered the ghost of a kiss they shared that day in the medward.
“I wish I could kiss you,” he had made the mistake of admitting before Thrawn sent him away just hours earlier, Eli’s arms full of equipment and Thrawn’s journal, staring at the man who had made him…him.
“If I did, I wouldn’t be able to let you go,” Thrawn had admitted to him, his ‘dearest friend.’ He said the words right before Eli turned away from him and walked into the small shuttle set up for him, departing into a part of space Thrawn may never return to.
Eli re-read the last chapter, once again savoring every word of the text as he realized Thrawn had lied. Thrawn already couldn't let him go. Physically, he could let him go. Thrawn could accept the fact that a gentle brush of the fingers, a touch on the shoulder, a gentle hand on his cheek, small, forgotten touches were all he was going to get and all he would ever get. But Thrawn still couldn't let him go mentally. Even as Thrawn wrote this journal he made sure to let Eli know the meaning of their friendship, the meaning of the time spent together trying to pretend like a deep friendship was all this was. As much as Eli had wanted to, Eli didn’t need to kiss Thrawn to show him that he loved him.
Despite the realization, he comforted himself with the fact that maybe one day they would see each other again, if time allowed. They would meet and greet each other with a gentle touch of the hands in some kind of handshake, and Eli would get to see his dearest friend maybe just one more time.