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Eli groaned and kicked off his boots, looking around and sighing. “Is this it?” he asked, looking around the hotel room at the single bed they had been left. He glanced around for a door connecting to another room only to come up empty. “One bed?” He asked out loud. “We had requested two, correct?”
Thrawn nodding. “Perhaps it was a mistake made by the hotel.”
Eli sighed. “Or intentionally done by someone wanting to make us uncomfortable, for any number of reasons, political, or xenophobia. I…I don’t know, I guess it was a mistake,” he said, looking exhausted as he rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m too tired to think right now.”
“Indeed,” Thrawn said, also more exhausted than he would admit. Ascension Week had been as exhausting as always. Politically charged situations Commander Vanto always had to help him manage, the overconsumption of alcohol from just about everyone, and of course, the constant social interaction. Focusing back on the current situation, his eyes landed on a singular couch in front of the bed. It was much too short for him to fit properly, even Eli would struggle, but it would have to do. “Considering it is Ascension Week and we will be unable to find another hotel room, I will rest on the couch for today in order for you to possess more room on the bed.”
Eli’s face took on an expression that was hard to interpret, but if the way his nose briefly crinkled and his lips pressed together was anything to go by, annoyance was probably the closest emotion to what Thrawn was reading.
“I’m not gonna let you do that, sir,” he retorted.
“It is truly fine, we could rotate if it would comfort you,” Thrawn said, secretly hating the idea of rotating throughout their stay or sleeping on the couch at all but too afraid he would be crossing some invisible relationship barrier with Vanto if he suggested sharing the bed. As an officer who was ranked above Eli, it felt wrong to suggest they do something as such without Eli’s request and express permission.
Eli glanced back at the bed, and then at the couch, thinking a moment before glancing back at Thrawn. His lips were pressed together in a thin line that spoke not of annoyance this time, but of slight nervousness. “We could share the bed, if you are not too uncomfortable by the idea. I mean, we slept in bunks for years, and in the same room right next to each other. It can’t be so bad, right?” He asked, offering him a slight smile.
Thrawn tried to not look too eager as he responded. “Yes, I suppose you are correct. We may do that then, Lieutenant Commander Vanto,” he said with professionalism.
Vanto nodded, quickly excusing himself to the refresher to get ready for bed. The entire while, Thrawn scolded himself for being so extremely relieved. It wasn't just that he was relieved about not having to share a couch all throughout their stay, but because it meant he got to be closer than he usually was to Eli. It was an inappropriate desire, to want to be comforted by the closeness of his aide. Despite the realization, Thrawn still could not fully remove the desire.
***
Thrawn predictably awoke before Eli, his eyes squinting in the dark and to the light coming out behind the closed curtains. Moving a hand up to rub at his eyes, he suddenly realized what exactly it had been that had awoken him.
Eli’s arm was wrapped around his chest, his face pressed against his shoulder and his warm breath felt gently through Thrawn’s thin sleeping shirt. Eli moved again, apparently sensing Thrawn shifting and tightening his grip in return.
Thrawn held completely still, unsure how they managed to end up in this position but knowing that more than likely it was a complete accident on Eli’s part. Selfishly, Thrawn remained still, considering his options as if his first instinct and choice should not have been to immediately move away from Eli’s grip on him. He wondered if it would be okay to stay like this, pretend he was sleeping so when the alarm did go off, Eli had a chance to roll away while Thrawn pretended to still be sleeping. It may save Eli from the potential embarrassment, and it would also have the added benefit of allowing Thrawn to stay exactly how he was. There was also the fact that the idea of pulling away now was far too upsetting, physically and mentally.
Thrawn reminded himself that he was okay being ‘touch starved,’ as some may deem it. He had always been a lonely man, one who was unused to physical affection and a stranger to freely given hugs even as a child. In fact, in most cases, hugs made him feel like he was being suffocated. Every moment of affection felt a bit forced. The rare hug from his brother was all he truly allowed himself and all that he used to somewhat enjoy.
Recently, however, he began to notice his opinion on physical affection change; particularly, when it came to physical affection from a certain aid.
He enjoyed the small brush of their fingertips, reaching for the same control or flimsy, exchanging tea. Thrawn had noticed that ever since Eli had figured out which tea he enjoyed the most, he had made an effort to always give it to Thrawn on their most stressful days, or even just when Thrawn was simply having a bad day. The tea, of course, did help him, but it was the realization of the gesture that was being gifted to him that truly was the most comforting.
He also found himself enjoying sitting by Eli’s side, even in usually uncomfortable situations. In crammed conference rooms, shuttles, dingy restaurants with small booths. He liked the accidental bumps as well. He remembered with amusement the way Eli had ran into him just recently in their shared kitchen on Chimaera. He had his head buried in a data pad, distracting him from the oncoming impact with his superior officer who was also, coincidentally, looking at his data pad.
He remembered the way Eli dropped his mug rather violently, the mug shattering and spilling the continents across the pristine white floor. He remembered with even more amusement the look of horror Eli had given him when he realized the impact had caused Thrawn to slip on the now wet floor and fall on his bottom. It had hurt, of course, but the idea that Thrawn had grown so close with Eli that he hardly even noticed the man’s presence, was so very…he couldn’t find the right word, but anger was certainly not what he felt over the situation, especially when Eli offered him his gloved hand to help him stand.
He remembered distinctly afterward, the dawning realization that he would let Eli shoulder check him all he wanted if it meant even the slightest touch of their arms and a gentle touch of their hands after. It was a thought Thrawn deemed saddening and/or pathetic at the time. It was one of those thoughts he tucked deep into the recesses of his mind. But now, he let it surface, the shame from the memory filling him just as strongly as his desire to have it happen again, preferably without so much guilt on Vanto’s end, of course.
Thrawn let out a silent sigh. He was touch starved, yes, he realized now. He was touch starved of only one persons touch, one persons gaze, one persons gentle hand grabbing his, one persons arm rubbing up against his own, and one person's body knocking the breath out of him. In all these instances, Thrawn realized, it wasn't just the touch Thrawn craved, but the kindness that filled it or followed it, it was the kindness Vanto offered him even when Thrawn was at his worst, the kindness he constantly craved.
In the present, Thrawn very carefully grabbed Eli’s hand with his own. Until Eli awoke, he was going to enjoy every gentle touch from the man who shouldn’t be holding him now in a grip that seemed to somehow tighten when their hands met.
He would enjoy every moment with this man he was so…in some ways…infuriatingly close with before he offered to send him away to the Chiss Ascendency, a place he knew Eli’s talents wouldn’t be wasted. And maybe, they would see each other again, if time allowed. They would meet and greet each other with a gentle touch of the hands in a handshake. But if not, Thrawn would enjoy this mistake while it lasted.