Chapter Text
"I'm just saying, why is what I write considered 'emo' and 'not good' meanwhile rappers are making hundreds off of 'her pussy bald like Calliou'?" Pete defended, keeping his voice relatively quiet.
"'Eat the booty like groceries' was legendary, Pete! Fucking legendary!" Brendon retorted, entirely too loud. A few heads, included some teachers', were turned upon hearing the phrase 'eat the booty'. "Who the fuck is that?" Brendon's attention switched quickly to the new kid at his locker, who sported gauges, pink hair, and an 'I want to believe' t-shirt.
"He looks like the result of Pete and Brendon deciding to have an ugly, hipster-ass baby." Debby snorted, examining the fresh meat.
"He looks gay as fuck." Pete commented, also eyeing at the new kid. He looked like he'd fit right in with the group.
"Okay, squad meeting." Brendon turned around as Pete, Patrick, Debby, and Ryan huddled together. "This man. He is gay."
"You don't know that for sure." Ryan pointed out. He tended to be the skeptic of the group, the one convinced that not everything was gay and that the heterosexual world still spun outside their group.
"Okay, sounds fake, but okay." Brendon replied, narrowing his eyes at Ryan.
"What kind of dry, stale meme-"
"I saw a Celine Dion poster in his locker," Debby cut off Ryan and Brendon's fight, "which means he is definitely gay. Very, very gay." There were murmurs of approval.
"So," Patrick began, "do we initiate him into the group?" Back when the group was just Pete and Patrick, anybody who wanted to hang out with them had to pass some rigorous testing. Debby had to dye Pete's hair perfectly, Ryan had to recite an entire Beyonce album, and Brendon had to be so promiscuous he made the innocent Stump blush. It took a few days, but he was victorious.
"The t-shirt was a good start," Brendon glanced over his shoulder to see if the kid was still there. "Queen Dion really sealed the deal."
"Let's see where he is, socially." Pete added. "If he has other friends, we won't push him. But if he doesn't, or god forbid, he gets roped into a group of the straights, we rescue him." The other members nodded in agreement.
-
They encountered the new kid again at lunch.
"Brendon! Brendon!" Hayley practically ran at him, Debby close on her heels. "Brendon, Debs filled me in on the new kid," She began, actually panting, "and it totally happened. Jenna Black is practically dangling her tits in front of him-"
"Don't say that!" Debby scolded, hitting her friend on the shoulder.
"Wait, the Christians got to him?" Brendon gasped, placing a hand on his chest.
"Yes, and Jenna is flirting so hard and newbie looks like he's seen a ghost and Tyler Joseph's knuckles are fucking white, man." Hayley explained, all in one breath.
"Lead me to them." Brendon commanded. The two girls both took his arm and dragged him over to where the basketball players and cheerleaders sat.
"Well, if it isn't Brendon Urie." Jenna said, totally fake smiling.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna rot in hell for taking it in the ass and such." Brendon brushed Jenna off, tired of her 'you're going to hell' speech. "Clearly you understand how amazing dick is, so I don't get-"
"Brendon!" Debby smacked him.
"Okay, okay, I'm done." Brendon laughed- he'd never run out of slut jokes for Jenna. "Anyway, we're here to meet the fresh meat. To meet the meat."
"Jesus Christ, Brendon." Hayley scoffed.
"Please don't use the Lord's name-"
"Yeah, okay, whatever. Newbie, what's your name?" Brendon cut off Jenna's scolding, because of course he didn't really care. He directed his attention towards the new kid, who looked petrified. Brendon couldn't decide if the kid was scared of him or Jenna.
"Uh, Josh." The kid- Josh- replied, his voice quiet.
"And Josh, how many times have these do-gooders told you your hair, piercings, or demeanor in general were a sin?" Brendon asked, causing Jenna to narrow her eyes at him. It was her group's schtick, to scold basically anybody for basically anything. They even did it to each other (one time, Jenna's best friend wore a skirt that didn't go past her fingertips and Jenna politely informed her that she was going to rot in hell, which is ironic because her ass practically hangs out of her cheer uniform).
"What, so now we're bad people for protecting this innocent student from the clutches of Satan?" Jenna scoffed, still glaring at Brendon.
"Answer the question, Newb- Josh." Brendon prodded, trying to sound friendly to Josh but threatening to Jenna. He didn't want to scare the kid away.
"Once or twice, I guess?" Josh answered, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "And the also called the music room... what was it, the Sin Lab?" He looked to Jenna for confirmation. She nodded.
"Nothing good happens in the music room." She stated, as if it were a fact.
"I would argue, but you're totally right, seeing as Ryan stuck his-"
"Okay, I think that's enough of this conversation!" Debby interrupted Brendon, saving the entire table from hearing the details of his and Ryan's sex life (she was pretty sure it would set Jenna on fire).
"Take your pick, Josh," Jenna smiled sweetly at the new kid, "do you want to sit with the gays," She spat the word as if it were poisonous, "or with the people that will save your from eternal damnation?" Josh bit his lip, clearly not ready to make any enemies.
"Uh... I think I'm gonna sit with Brendon today..." Josh said, grabbing his lunch and standing up. "I'll see you guys later, though."
"See you later!" Jenna cracked a smile that even Josh could see was fake.
Brendon led him to the music room, where they ate lunch. Technically, they weren't allowed to be outside of the cafeteria during lunch period, but Brendon explained that administration had given up on disciplining their group a long time ago.
"They caught Pete and Patrick making out in the bathroom during A period and they were like, that's it, we're done, do whatever the fuck you want." Brendon said, leading Josh down the hall into the music room. It was pretty much empty, except for a few instruments here and there and chairs stacked in the corner. "Welcome to our humble abode." He stepped inside, causing a few of the kids in the room to look up. "T your right, you'll see the whiteboard, where we write our daily jokes." Josh saw a pun scribbled messily in the corner of the whiteboard. "In the left corner is the music director's office, but she's never here. If she is, scramble." The door was wide open, and inside Josh could see a desk with a few papers and a computer on it. "And to your immediate left is the storage closet, where we have sex."
"Correction, where you and Ryan have sex." Debby commented, moving past the pair to get into the room. "Nobody else is dumb enough to fuck during school." Brendon rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out at her.
"That's Debby, the lesbian asshole." Brendon introduced, motioning to the girl.
"I'm pansexual, you asshat."
"Keep telling yourself that." Brendon muttered, making Josh chuckle. "You know me, I'm Brendon, the most popular gay of the gays." He bowed, causing Josh to wonder if he was always this dramatic. He hoped so, it was quite entertaining. "We also have Hayley," The other girl from the cafeteria, the one with highlighter yellow hair, smiled at Josh, "She's only half gay-"
"The correct term is bisexual-"
"-so she's not here all the time. She likes to hang out with the punks that don't know how to music." Josh wondered if everyone in their friend group was gay and could play music. He wondered if the two came hand in hand. "Next is the almighty Ryan Ross," Brendon pointed at a kid sitting in the corner, listening to music, "He's okay. A bit of an asshole." Josh was confused, due to the constant referencing to Brendon and Ryan's relationship. If they were dating, shouldn't Brendon like him? "Next are Pete and Patrick, Patrick's the one with glasses." Josh looked over to two boys cuddling, the one with glasses- Patrick- on his computer and laying on the other one- Pete's- chest. "They're gay. So, so gay. Patrick's a lot more lowkey about it." Josh nodded, mentally taking note of who in the group was dating. "And that's pretty much it. There are a few other kids that come and go, but this here is pretty much our group."
"Welcome to the squad." Debby, who was also sitting on her computer, remarked.
"Wait," Pete stood up, causing Patrick to fall off of him, "are we just going to let him in like that? He's gotta... prove himself." Josh gulped, slightly terrified of this Pete character. "What can you do?" Pete asked, examining Josh head to toe. It made him sweat.
"I can, uh, play the drums, I guess." Josh murmured. Drums were pretty much the only thing he was good at. He was pretty mediocre when it came to academics, and he was definitely never a sports guy, so music it was.
"Prove it, then." Pete smirked, gesturing towards the drum set in the back of the room.
Needless to say, he proved himself.
-
"So, Tyler Joseph wants to eat your dick." Brendon said, completely out of no where. The group had invited Josh to get ice cream after school, which they say is tradition on Wednesdays. Everyone came, with the exception of Hayley.
"What?" Josh felt his face go red and tried to cover it up by wiping his mouth. "Why do you say that?" Josh had been introduced to Tyler via Jenna, but the boy had only said hi before returning to his lunch. Josh guessed that he was just shy.
"Brendon's convinced the school's resident Jesus freak is gay." Ryan explained, rolling his eyes. "Which he clearly isn't, by the way. He's captain of the basketball team, head choir boy at church AND he's been dating Jenna Black for, like, ever. He's as straight as they come."
"I don't know, Brendon has a point. I'm suspicious of that Joseph kid." Pete added. Josh had heard Pete claim earlier that he has a 'fine-tuned gaydar with 100% accuracy,' which he wasn't sure if he believed.
"Even if he is gay," Patrick spoke up, "there's no way he'd ever admit to it, much less," He inhaled, almost like he was mentally preparing to quote Brendon, "eat Josh's dick."
"Wait, why are we convinced he wants to eat my dick, though?" Josh, still thoroughly confused, asked. Brendon scoffed, as if the answer was crystal clear.
"Did you see the way he was staring at you? He looked like... like..." Brendon searched for the right word.
"A starving lion." Pete completed.
"Less intimidating, though... like a starving cat. A starving calico." Josh furrowed his eyebrows at Brendon, still lost. "Not the point. Anyway, homeboy was staring at you. And he didn't even speak up to defend Jenna."
"That proves nothing, he is kinda shy." Debby seemed to be taking Ryan's side.
"Yeah but usually he's quick to support her." Patrick pointed out, although Josh could never imagine Tyler being as mean as Jenna. He seemed like a quiet little kid who didn't want to pick fights.
"Maybe he was having a bad day." Ryan suggested, still adamant to his position.
"Psh," Brendon scoffed, unconvinced. "THE Tyler Joseph, sports star, shoo-in for literally any scholarship anywhere, does not have bad days."
"I dunno, I heard his parents make him shoot 500 baskets everyday." Debby was fairly savvy on all the school gossip, and she knew just about everything about everybody. She knew everybody's dirtiest secrets, yet she was too nice to reveal them (she claimed they were always bogus). "Which is a fuckton." She added, when nobody seemed shocked.
"Dude, he probably makes that in, like, twenty minutes." Brendon shrugged, brushing off Debby's comment. "The point is, you have to get Tyler Joseph to eat your dick."
"Why?" Josh asked, quite uncomfortable with the phrase 'eating dick' at this point. He then realized he'd never actually come out to these people, for all they know, he could be straight (he wasn't, thank god, but he could be).
"Because! I want to see everything blow up in his face." Brendon exclaimed, making Josh frown. While everyone else seemed to be on board, he wasn't sure. Tyler seemed nice, and he didn't want to destroy his reputation.
"But he seems nice..." Brendon burst out laughing at Josh's comment, and everyone else just snickered. "The dude is your Class A homophobe! He used to hardcore bully poor, innocent Patrick when he started dating Pete." Patrick nodded solemnly.
"Brendon's got a point." He murmured. "He seems nice, and I'd feel bad if we wrecked his reputation, but... he's a huge asshole."
"Guys..." Ryan was the only one who seemed wary at this point. "We could ruin his life..."
"George Ryan Ross the third," Brendon began, slipping once again into his dramatic persona, "Tyler Joseph once practically threw you into a locker."
"It was more of a shove." Ryan muttered.
"Urie's got a point," Debby was fiddling with her shirt sleeve nervously. "He kinda deserves it."
"Okay," Josh inhaled, deciding maybe he should ruin this Tyler Joseph guy, "what are the steps to getting your dick... eaten?"
Everyone but Ryan cheered.