Chapter Text
art by cheriebeoms
-★-
When Yeonjun was young, he begged for a sibling. Growing up, he had wished for a partner-in-crime, someone he could love and protect and play with. His mother often gently pushed the idea off the plate, taking him to play with his cousins and giving him all the love he needed. Yeonjun grew up being surrounded by love, appreciation, and belonging. Yet, a part of him had always wished for a sibling.
When his parents divorced, a part of him broke away, too. It wasn’t that they didn’t love him, because they did, but they did what was right for all of them. For the sake of their happiness, he knew the decision had to be taken. It didn’t help that he had to go over and live at his aunt’s house in America because of that. They were amazing people. Yeonjun had grown closer to his cousins in the short time he was there, made friends and used to have fun in the neighbourhood. It was almost like his dream was fulfilled because he got siblings. But then, the issues due to his visa occurred, and he was back in Korea.
The idea of leaving behind the friends he made and the time he spent with his cousins made Yeonjun sad.
He had gotten used to life there already, but the thought of being close to his mother again made him happy. After all, he loved her with all there was in him. As he grew up, the persistent need to have a sibling went away, but the loneliness stayed. He made amazing friends in every class he attended, and has been good at communicating ever since. Yeonjun threw himself into what he knew best back then: dancing.
Even when he scored low in the English test – not quite good at writing as he was at speaking – and was scared after his teacher made fun of him and complained about his behaviour to his mother, she chose his happiness. She fought against them, and something he would never forget is what she said to him.
“Yeonjun-ah, let’s just focus on dancing now, okay?”
Ever since then, Yeonjun had only moved forward, working hard to make his mother proud, working hard to make himself proud, and working hard to not let anyone who dared to believe in him down.
—
Yeonjun still remembers the day he first saw Beomgyu. This soft, gentle boy who entered the room bowed with respect as he introduced himself. His voice, deep with satoori, strong on his tongue, carrying part of his home with him in his words. His eyes carried his sense of homesickness, and Yeonjun wasn’t sure he could address it. The kind Yeonjun wasn’t sure he should have been able to notice. But there was something about the way the boy oozed it out of him unbeknownst to maybe himself, even. The kind where you feel the need to reach out. Yet, he had somehow introduced himself back in a way that was sure to leave an impact.
Perhaps Yeonjun was the first person to reach out and talk to him; maybe nobody thought it would be him. There was something in Yeonjun that had always felt an inevitable pull towards Beomgyu, even without knowing. Not then, but surely, years later, he knew.
He had taken the boy with him to show him the person who was on top of every list there has been amongst all of them, the trainees. Maybe Yeonjun had intimidated him, maybe he had intrigued him. He wouldn’t know.
But, you couldn’t blame him; he hadn’t known how to belong even when all he had done was chase it.
—
For Beomgyu,
There was a life before Choi Yeonjun.
And there was a life after Choi Yeonjun.
It all changed the moment he met Yeonjun.
They often say, never meet your idols, for if you do, your life would change and perhaps not for the better. But for Beomgyu, he figured out who his idol was after he met him, after he even realised what it meant to idolise, or maybe love; for he didn’t know the difference between the two until it had been too long.
For as long as Beomgyu had known Yeonjun, he had only ever admired him.
—
Life changed the second he stepped away from the house that was his home, dreams high on his head and worry a step behind. He still couldn’t believe that he had taken a decision that big, dropping out of the school near him – the one he had been in all his life – all for this idea of debuting as an idol.
It started right from the beginning, the day he entered the company itself. It wasn’t big by any means, barely survivable, but Beomgyu had taken enough chances to be where he was now to be even complaining. Convincing his parents to cross states to become a part of a potential K-pop group was scary. His parents had always supported and loved him unconditionally, but this was so new. Yet, when the company staff came to their door and begged him to join, Beomgyu and his family decided to try.
Despite everything that happened, Beomgyu still remembered the feeling that rushed through him the first time he entered the practice room to be introduced. He had immediately been put in the debut line-up, already hearing whispers when he finally introduced himself.
“Nice to meet everyone, I am Choi Beomgyu, from Daegu.” A handful of people had smiled, nodded at him, but the vast majority had looked at him like he had done something wrong. But amongst all these faces, Beomgyu had locked eyes with this one guy. He looked older than Beomgyu, but he had the gentlest eyes among all the people Beomgyu looked at. And it was only proven right when days had passed, and everyone had taken to trash-talking about him, perhaps jealousy, or just something worse.
Beomgyu had been homesick, never been away from his family, and all of a sudden, he was put in a place where more than half the people hated him. It was hard to survive.
Beomgyu's being introduced to Yeonjun had been a momentous occasion. He had taken Beomgyu along with him to the wall where their scores were posted after every evaluation and the overall evaluation, pointed at the board, and asked him whose name was at the top.
“Who is number one for rap?”
“Choi Yeonjun.”
“For dance?”
“Choi Yeonjun.”
“And for singing?”
“Choi Yeonjun.”
“Nice to meet you, I’m Choi Yeonjun.”
And that was how Beomgyu had been introduced to Yeonjun, falling for him in a way he didn’t understand until years later.
Because even in competition, Yeonjun had been nothing but gentle.
—
Admiring and looking up to Yeonjun wasn’t hard; he made it easy to be loved.
Yeonjun and Beomgyu often went out together, going to the cafe a few blocks away from their building with the manager who always offered them discounts because he knew how hard they worked and how they had to sneak out to have a sliver of food and peace. There were times when Yeonjun would work so hard until dawn for evaluations and not realise he had fallen asleep, his americano diluting.
Today was one of those days. And more often than not, it was Beomgyu who found his hyung. Maybe it was the admiration he had felt for his hyung that he always found his way back to him.
It was when he walked up to the cafe after noticing that Yeonjun had still not been back after their lessons, Beomgyu knew where he could have possibly been. Stepping inside the cafe, Beomgyu instantly found Yeonjun in the very same seat he always sat at, his head down on his notebook as he snored softly. Beomgyu bowed his head in greetings to the cafe owner, and the man, already used to the sight, just smiled back, nodding in the direction of Yeonjun, knowing why Beomgyu was here.
As Beomgyu stood next to Yeonjun, he didn’t shake his hyung up awake, no; tonight, it felt like all Beomgyu wanted to do was run his hands through his hair, his fingers to spread across his cheek.
His oh so hardworking hyung. His hyung, who compromised on sleep to practice. His hyung, who did not care if his shoes tore or his back broke, for as long as he had the routine down and lyrics written. There was a sense of pride along with worry that flew through Beomgyu at times like these.
He had never met someone as honest about his craft as Yeonjun was. Beomgyu couldn’t help but admire him. To see someone chasing a dream so strongly only made him want to support him harder.
Beomgyu ran his hand through Yeonjun’s hair, gently, not to wake him up. His heart beat faster. His fingers caressed his soft cheeks as puffs of breath were let out. Tears welled up in Beomgyu’s eyes.
I love him.
There was no denying, there never had been.
For He had already promised himself. He didn’t care if he lost himself, if it meant that Yeonjun got to shine.
—
There was a time after their debut when they were in America. They had to write each other letters, and there was a part that Yeonjun feels he will never forget. It was one of the many times Beomgyu had said what he did, but somehow the idea that it was the first time he said it out loud on any of their shows that would be broadcast added another layer to it.
Beomgyu had written, and Yeonjun would never forget.
“You are still my role model.”
One line, and it motivated him more than anything. There was always a part of Beomgyu that looked up to Yeonjun, idolised him in a way that had always made Yeonjun smile, his chest blooming with pride. But the day he read it, realising that Beomgyu had written it, knowing everyone would know too, made him happy.
For years, Yeonjun had only run without ever looking back. He had worked harder than he had ever before, only looking at what was in front of him and trying to make it. Sometimes, all that matters is that one person believes in you. And for Yeonjun, Beomgyu became the fuel to keep his fire burning bright, that voice of reasoning he needed in times when it felt hard.
—
“Who is the member you would have still been friends with had you met outside the company or under these circumstances?” The question wasn’t something Beomgyu had been expecting, yet somehow, his heart had already given him the answer.
When he turned to point at Yeonjun, he saw the eyes that he had grown to fall for looking right back at him. Yeonjun had chosen him, too. He had picked Beomgyu. It was just a question they were asked in the interview, something that possibly shouldn’t mean so much. Yet, the feeling that his hyung picked him, too, gave him a rush that was becoming harder to hide. Part of his heart was preening because he was chosen.
Every day, Beomgyu had come to a point where it became harder not to fall for him.
Beomgyu still remembers their debut showcase, the day when they sat next to each other and were asked to hold hands and say something. Beomgyu still remembers the way his heart had been beating so fast. He knows that had he not been holding Yeonjun's hands, his own would have shaken. And sure, fans might have called it debut nervousness, but he knows he wouldn't have been able to hide it.
Yeonjun had always said things that he meant, so when he had said, "He has a lot of energy, and it feels good whenever he is beside me," that day, it had taken everything in Beomgyu not to melt in a puddle right there on stage.
Even today, Beomgyu couldn't help it. Every time Yeonjun cared for him in ways that he had never before, he couldn't stop his heart from running, falling, crashing. Every time Beomgyu tried to step back, Yeonjun always ended up doing things that brought him right back.
—
“Why healingie?” Beomgyu asked mid live.
“It’s because my mom calls me that.”
“Oh, that is so cute, I will change your contact from hip-hop lover Yeonjun to healingie,” Beomgyu mentioned, and Yeonjun turned to look at him, a smile on his face as he watched Beomgyu actually change his contact name on live. Yeonjun felt his heart skip a beat in adoration. He felt so loved and cared for.
And maybe he was a little too quick in saying that because something that might come off as small, yet felt like a dam breaking for Yeonjun - forever engraved in him - happened.
But that’s the thing. It is always the small things that add on, and then it tips over. In hindsight, it shouldn't have been a big deal. They were talking about Yeonjun’s tooth gems while shooting for their album jacket cover. It was then that Beomgyu was flabbergasted, talking about how he didn’t even realise that Yeonjun had some on. And somehow, it hurt more than everything that had been going wrong.
More than Beomgyu suddenly stepping back from their hangouts, more than Beomgyu being too busy to make time for him, more than skipping meals that they would have eaten together. More because it was something Beomgyu, a few months ago, would have noticed instantly.
“You really don’t pay attention to me,” Yeonjun couldn’t help himself, the words spilling out of him faster than he could register them. He could feel nothing in the moment except the pang in his heart. Yeonjun wasn’t sure why it felt like someone was tearing it out of his chest.
“No – That wasn’t–” Yeonjun heard Beomgyu say something in return. Still, the words slipped past, not registering when his mind was running at full speed, thinking of all the possibilities of him not mattering, of why he felt the way he did right now, why his heart couldn’t stop hurting, why it felt like he would cry any second had the video live not been on. And maybe the way Beomgyu had his arms wrapped around Taehyun hurt too. Because Yeonjun had gotten too close to a touch he didn’t have the right to.
Yeonjun tried drowning away the feelings; he was good at that, pushing them so far back that they almost felt like they never existed in the first place, like the pain in his heart wasn’t even real, that perhaps, he had imagined it all. It was a reflex; some might say he was emotionally constipated, but if it had worked for years, Yeonjun was not going to stop now.
If hiding his emotions and pushing them so far down you couldn’t even find them if you dug it up to survive what his life was turning out to be, then he would be damned not to do that.
—
And maybe, life hadn’t been exactly as gentle to Beomgyu, too. For all he missed was the comfort of his home, the warmth of food, and the belonging that came when he was there. Knowing how close you were to your home, yet so far, felt like the worst thing. Beomgyu was trying his best not to snap at anyone, his energy lower than ever before. But when you have been away from the comfort of your home, your house, your family for over a year, it gets hard not to lose yourself.
Beomgyu was really trying; he promised he was. But even the things that never annoyed him were bringing him closer to a breakdown. The idea of not being able to perform in front of their fans was already disheartening, but not being able to see his family and just travel back to Seoul made it harder. Beomgyu remembers finishing the performance on autopilot. Muscle memory and the ungodly amount of practice they put in saved him. Beomgyu, for the life in him, couldn't focus on anything.
That night, when they went back to the cold of his hotel room, Beomgyu couldn't help but let the tears that were threatening to fall out. He cried. Thinking of the what-ifs and the maybes. Thinking of how he would have been with his family at his house now, surrounded by the comfort that comes from being with his family, on Christmas. For it had been so long since he had spent it with his family in his home. Being robbed of the possibility despite being so close pushed him over the edge.
Soobin did his best to talk to him, calm him down. But there really wasn't much he could do. So he stepped back. From his feelings, from the comfort, and to a point, from Yeonjun. He couldn't let his heart hurt even more. They never talked about it, but Beomgyu knew he wasn't in the headspace to be rational anymore.
And maybe Yeonjun could feel it too because he never pushed Beomgyu. But so, the distance ultimately grew. From hands freezing mid-rise to words that were swallowed before they were ever let out. The distance grew slowly, in the way you couldn't notice it immediately, but in the graduality of time.
In the way, steps were taken back, and words were stumbled. In a way where you could tell something was wrong, but knew there was nothing you could do to fix it at the moment.
In the way your mind wandered at night, and sleep refused to come to you, but knowing you didn't have the time to think too much and pause. In the way that Yeonjun threw himself into the work, and Beomgyu, too worn out with life, just stepped back.
—
And like they say, time does pass, and life continues to go on.
Even when Beomgyu did not want to give himself that hope again after years of pining and trying not to let himself lose. He found himself slipping back, knowing it would be better for him to give up and not try yet again. But it was a mess, your heart chases after what it wants even when you would do anything for it not to hurt anymore.
“Who is the member you would spend the last day on earth with?”
Yeonjun chose Beomgyu, and so did he.
“Oh Beomgyu-ssi, why did you choose Yeonjun as the member you would spend the last day on earth with?”
“I felt like I would have the most fun with him,” because telling them he would like to be by his side when the world ends in hopes of being loved by him one last time was not an answer. Because to be able to say he loved him more than he loved himself would not be an answer he could give.
Because he was in love with him, and he knew he had to let go.
Yet, yet. Hearing Yeonjun’s answer was everything to Beomgyu. Knowing how much not being able to go back home years ago had become the reason why they had stepped back. Knowing how much the comfort of his parents and their home meant to him. Knowing how it was once a reason why they lost each other, and yet choosing this.
“I chose Beomgyu because he wouldn't be able to go back to his home. I wouldn't want him to be alone.” And wasn’t it so cruel? That Yeonjun loved him so much, yet never in the way he yearned for.
It was wrong. How Yeonjun still had so much power over his heart. Whenever Beomgyu would think he was okay existing in the back, accepting what it feels like to be in love with someone you can’t have. To have them so close to you, yet equally far. But that was the thing with loving someone so much. You hand them your heart, place it in their hands, not knowing what they would do to it, not knowing if it would be safe, just knowing that you have given it to them.
What was funny, in a way that all Beomgyu wanted to do was cry over it, was that Yeonjun was the sweetest, loveliest person ever. He loved so strongly and loved so hard. He cared a lot and always looked after him. Beomgyu was lucky to have him. So lucky. But his heart was selfish, it was greedy, and it wanted more.
Beomgyu craved the comfort only Yeonjun seemed to provide him. So for his heart, he knew he had to take the decision that felt like hurting himself even more.
—
That night, when Beomgyu lies on his bed, and tears flow down his face, no sound, just the gentle acceptance, he thinks to himself: Ah, maybe, just maybe, I need to take a step back. Maybe I need to let him go. For loving Yeonjun had been his pleasure, to look up to him and look at him in a light that even if it had brought him more pain than joy, it was something he would do again.
For even if he gets another life, he would choose to love Yeonjun.
Because even if it hurts, Beomgyu has had the pleasure of being able to love Yeonjun, for he knows he will forever. But now, he needs to choose himself, for if he did not, he would not survive.
For the first time since the day Beomgyu fell in love with Yeonjun years ago, he decided to actually let him go.
;
There is something that comes with putting people on a pedestal. Not to judge them, but to have looked up to them so much that you can’t help but end up walking too close to the sun. For there is the chance that you will get burnt. For there is a chance that you might die.
Love is somewhat the same.
You give and give and give.
You give, and you don’t expect.
But sometimes, you don’t have love left to give anymore. When it gets so much that you are not yourself anymore. For when all you do is give, you get empty.
Loving Yeonjun was somehow like that, yet not at all. Yeonjun was like this presence you can’t help but look up to, to admire, to idolise. Ever since Beomgyu had known him, he had looked at him in a light that couldn’t be compared. But when it starts eating you away, you need to step back. Because with idolising, there comes the idea of never receiving what you give, because they never asked to be put on that pedestal.
Beomgyu knew he had to step back. He couldn’t keep going. He knew it was a love that wouldn’t go anywhere; he knew that he couldn’t keep knocking on the door, wondering when it would open up, despite knowing there was no resident living there. It wasn’t Yeonjun’s fault; he knew it. Beomgyu had promised himself not to let his love consume him so much that it became harder to exist.
But what was he to do for a love that went beyond?
For a love that broke all boundaries.
For a love that refused to be caged.
But it couldn’t go on. And Beomgyu knew that, begrudgingly accepting the harsh truth that comes with falling in love with your bandmate, your idol, your person.
It wasn’t to say that Yeonjun hadn’t been a sweetheart because that would be a lie. Yeonjun had been the sweetest presence in his life. Yet, there comes a point in your life when you realise one day that choosing yourself is the only right decision left to move forward. And so, Beomgyu did.
—
"Hello, friend. Great work this year. Thank you for working hard and showing that you're growing. I think there were many proud moments. This year must have been tough and exhausting for you, too. But thank you for always creating a bright and positive atmosphere. Thanks to you, I was able to laugh a lot. Let's keep goofing around. Please continue to show the cooler and more mature side of you, but don't lose that innocence. Thank you always, and love you." Taehyun read the letter, and Beomgyu's eyes couldn't help but go over the words as the younger read it. Taking them all in. What he couldn't see was the smile that was unconsciously making its way on Yeonjun's face.
Beomgyu couldn't understand who wrote the letter for him because Taehyun revealed that he wrote a letter for Soobin.
"Hyung, it's you," Beomgyu said with shock. He hadn't been expecting Yeonjun to be the one who wrote that letter. Millions of emotions flow through him yet again. He would have laughed had he not felt like crying. Yeonjun has the power to pull him right back even when he isn't trying to.
"It's me," And the gentle smile on Yeonjun's face took Beomgyu's breath away. And Beomgyu put on his shooting face, but he still couldn't hide the way he knew his heart was beating fast.
And oh.
Beomgyu just wished love were kinder.
—
Maybe the breaking point came that fateful evening when Yeonjun said something Beomgyu had yearned to hear for years.
That evening, they were finally done with the promotions and had the next day off, so they decided to drink together since it had been a while. Taehyun and Yeonjun cooked while Beomgyu played games and set things up along with Kai and Soobin. Soon they sat together, laughing and discussing what they liked or didn't like about promotions and if either of them had any plans for the next day, which they didn't.
"Guys, why don't we play some drinking games?" Soobin suggested that they were almost done with the food.
"What do we even have to hide?" Taehyun laughed, but they soon agreed to play.
The game started as fun with silly little things that they asked each other about, funny dares they dared each other — like texting a friend a picture of you pouting with no context or asking for money and seeing who would respond faster. After a few drinks in, the air changed. They started asking questions neither of them usually brought up often, for they knew what life as idols was like. But perhaps the liquid courage was good enough to push tonight.
"So, what do you guys think about dating within the group? If you would do it and why?" Kai asked, with slight mischief in his eyes that they very well could have taken it as a joke and run with it. But perhaps they were too drunk, and maybe Beomgyu was too hurt, his heart far from healed because he scoffed before he answered.
"I think it is bullshit, and it would just fucking hurt. Bandmates can be friends, and nothing more" There was silence as they took this in. Beomgyu could feel Soobin's stare at the side of his head, and in that intoxication, Beomgyu ignored it. "I think it is just a recipe for disaster because imagine if you get rejected," he scoffed again, "You can't even run away because that means throwing away all that you have worked for," he takes a shot of whatever concoction Kai had made. "So no, I don't think that's something that can happen,"
"Why not try," Yeonjun finally speaks up, and Beomgyu freezes. He had been taking every control he had to not turn and look at Yeonjun, knowing every control he had been faking would break if Yeonjun even dared to look him in the eye. But hearing him ask a question that was very well making him spiral had Beomgyu beomgyu turning towards him, disbelief and hurt in his eyes.
"What," he whispered. Nobody moved, it was almost like they couldn't move. It felt like only the two of them were in the room. Yeonjun took a deep breath before he spoke again, as if gathering courage.
"Why can't bandmates be more," And the second Beomgyu hears this, tears well up in his eyes. He shakes his head, and shifts back before he gets up abruptly. That breaks the flow of the room.
"You can't do this to me," Beomgyu whispers, shaking his head as he collides with their living room door before the tears finally fall down as he bolts.
He probably hears Yeonjun swear as he gets up from the floor and runs after Beomgyu, leaving everyone in the room too stunned. But they weren't shocked, for they had seen the push and pull for too long.
;
Yeonjun runs after Beomgyu before the younger manages to escape, knowing they couldn't run out in the middle of the night with all the stalkers.
"Beomgyu, please wait, please," Yeonjun manages to enter Beomgyu's room before the younger shuts him out. His hands grab Beomgyu as he makes the younger turn to him. And Beomgyu hates the way his body reacts to the touch like a starved person. Yet, his emotions were too high.
“No, Yeonjun, you don’t get to do this to me,” Beomgyu whispers, tears streaming down his face in full force now. “You don’t get to come here and give me hopes when I have decided to step back, please, just let me move on, I have loved you long enough to have it engraved in me. Let me allow myself the peace to step back, kindly.” Beomgyu weakly punches Yeonjun on his chest.
"Let me pick myself back up," A punch.
"Let me let you go," Another.
"Let me please move on," Final punch.
And the tears he had been holding back broke. He broke… again.
Because there is no way Yeonjun wouldn’t know. No way would he not know the gravity of Beomgyu’s emotions. No way would he not know that for as long as Beomgyu had known a world with Yeonjun in it, he had loved him. Perhaps, he did not know what the word love meant, but with time, it only developed into Yeonjun. And even when
Because there was no way Yeonjun never knew.