Archive of Our Own

All these lies, the things we think we know but do not say out loud, the misconceptions and the truth we try to bury, they are like a house of cards. If we pull one out, drag it to the light of day, the rest will crumble, lying bare what we have tried to hide in our hearts.

I.

Gwen had known about Arthur's feelings for a while now. Not about his feelings for her. These were, at the same time, more plain and more complicated. No, Gwen had become aware that Arthur had feelings for someone else. Now, that would not have been such a shock, had it been anyone else but Arthur, who had always seemed too ensnared in his duty as a knight, a prince, and now a king, to be even afflicted with something as messy and real as deep feelings.

What Gwen had come to realize, though, was that Arthur simply had a very unique way of showing them.

Her first clue had actually been Morgana. Arthur had often treated her condescendingly, seemingly thinking her naive and not to be taken seriously. But Arthur had known Morgana, had known how smart she was, and he had loved her dearly like the sister he had come to see in her. His behaviour had only been a front to hide the affections he felt uncomfortable to show off, because that was the way Arthur coped with these things, by hiding his vulnerabilities behind boastfulness and snide remarks.

It had not taken much more to understand how Arthur felt about Merlin.

It had taken a picnic. And Gwen was honest enough to acknowledge that the only reason things had started falling into place then, was because it had been the first time Arthur's feelings for Merlin had in some small way conflicted with what he was supposed to feel for her. It had all been very romantic in the beginning, well, maybe not so much the sneaking about, but it was nevertheless a gesture she hadn't expected of Arthur, who sometimes seemed to almost forget about her when she wasn't currently in some kind of danger that required him to rescue her and the kingdom and all.

So it had all been very nice. Just the two of them, on a normal day, which of course had not stayed a nice and normal day for long, but still. Arthur had been open with her like she had never experienced it. Talking about the burden of leadership, the expectations on a king, and how sometimes he dreamed about being someone else. He had been spinning this idea of becoming a farmer, and it was ridiculous really, because he was Arthur and all she could picture was the crown prince, in full armour, trying to plough a field with his sword. So she asked him, who would do all the work? And it wasn't even what he said, but how the words were spoken, dismissive, as if it was self-evident. How, for Arthur, it wasn't even a question that, of course, Merlin would be there in their little dream world of domesticity. Because Arthur obviously had lost the ability to imagine a world without Merlin. Not without servants. But without Merlin.

It had been her first clue, but it hadn't been her last.

After that she watched Arthur. Well, she had always watched him, the way a lady - alright, a handmaid - watched the man who kind of courted her. Especially when that man was the crown-prince and also very blond and blue-eyed, and brave and strong and righteous. And a tad bit of an arrogant prat, but then no man was perfect. Lancelot might have come close and she had often asked herself how things would have turned out- but, no, it was no use to dwell on that. Things were the way they were and Gwen could not change the past. Gwen, more often than not these days, felt like a pawn who couldn't change anything.

But she had watched Arthur differently afterwards. Had watched him with Merlin, really watched him, and not only rolled her eyes at them and moved on, like she had before.

And at first Gwen thought she had over-reacted. Clearly Arthur had no respect for Merlin, seeing how he insulted him pretty much the whole time. And he only insulted Merlin, he was quite polite with the other servants, suitably rough with the knights, and ever-courteous to the ladies. But somehow he didn't even try to keep his manners with Merlin, Gwen thought exasperatedly.

And then Gwen realized that Merlin insulted Arthur back. His tone was sometimes close to treasonous, and Arthur let him. He cuffed him over the head, he rolled his eyes, he dropped a list of chores on Merlin's head, but apart from that he just let it pass.

But the moment of absolute clarity came on a sunny spring morning. The morning after Arthur's victory against Morgana's attempt to take over Camelot. Gwen had been escorted back to the keep by Arthur's new knights, feeling a bit like a princess, really, until they had ridden into the courtyard and Gwen saw Arthur, sitting on the stairs to the main entrance with Merlin. They had been two boys, equals, laughing and tussling, and Arthur had looked so free. And happy, she guessed. It was like a veil was lifted and she suddenly saw the truth.

Then Arthur saw her, and he had turned back into the prince, courteous and dutiful, and Gwen was struck with the thought that she didn't even really know him. That all she had ever seen of him was a mask. The one who got to see the real Arthur, was Merlin.

Gwen could admit, especially to herself, that she had been angry at first, and more than a little hurt. It wasn't easy for her to accept that she had lived in an illusion. That with all her pragmatism she had thrown herself like a little girl into the idea of her and Arthur as a fairy tale come true, only to hit the bottom with a reminder that there were no such things as happily-ever-afters in life. One would really think Gwen would have learned that by now.

Gwen supposed she could have confronted Arthur, could have asked for an explanation or at least rejected his continuing courtship, but she didn't. Maybe she had been set on her path for such a long time, that she couldn't see any other possible way. Since Morgana's betrayal she had become unsure of her place in Camelot and the only thing left was Arthur's promise of the future.

When Lancelot had come back, she had for a moment thought there was an escape from this carousel of lies she felt entrapped in as much as it gave her security. But Lancelot's priorities were obvious. His loyalty towards Arthur was stronger than his love for her. He would not come between her and Arthur, even if Gwen wished he would.

Sometimes she almost resented Merlin, who complained and moaned and didn't even seem to realize how unusual, how mind-wrecking and inappropriate Arthur's behaviour towards him was. It was always Merlin who was by Arthur's side, Merlin whom he confided in, whether it was his fear to humiliate his father in a tournament or his doubts about his ability to rule. Arthur was willing to put Merlin before his duty, and Gwen couldn't help but feel a little bitter that Merlin was bestowed on something that should have been hers but, even more, didn't even appreciate it.

And then Lamia happened.

*

Merlin had been suspicious about the girl they had saved from a bunch of bandits, from the beginning. Gwen on the other hand had felt sympathy for her at first. Lamia was shy and scared and all alone. And it seemed to Gwen that Merlin was simply disgruntled that Lamia didn't like him and that the knights were being rather rude and dismissive towards Merlin, treating him like a servant and not like a friend, which he probably wasn't used to. Not when Arthur was around.

But more and more Gwen realized how manipulative Lamia was, how much she basked in her role as a victim, so much that it started to become ridiculous. The knights were acting stranger by the minute, too, and when Leon and Gwaine came to blows and Elyan got hurt Gwen started to become really scared. This was madness. They were all mad. All but Merlin. And, of that she was sure now, it was all Lamia's fault.

And so she found herself once more in league with Merlin, whispering about what they should do, hatching a plan to leave a trail for Arthur, because Merlin was sure he would come looking for them.

It was a strange feeling, oddly reminiscent of a time, years ago, when Merlin had been new to Camelot and they had been really close. The handmaid and the manservant, snickering in the corner and rolling their eyes behind Arthur and Morgana's back. Before her and Arthur had become... something. They had drifted apart, then, even more so after Morgana's betrayal and she had sometimes thought that Merlin secretly resented her for the way she had been elevated. There was something fake in his too bright smiles, and he had long stopped confiding in her. It didn't help the sliver of resentment buried in her own heart.

She couldn't help but admire Merlin for his braveness, though, when he spoke up again and again, trying to get through to the stubborn idiots who only pushed him and insulted him for his efforts. And she had to wonder, just a little, what made him different – again.

What made him, of all people, immune to Lamia's charms?

When she asked him he had an immediate explanation. She was a woman. He wasn't a knight. Maybe he was just lucky. But Gwen just knew there had to be more to it. Maybe she was indeed immune because, as a woman, Lamia could not seduce her, but there was no evidence that she preferred knights or noble man. The whole disaster had started with the sick villagers after all.

But before Gwen could think this thought through to its logical end, there was a scream and Merlin turned, already half way out the door, yelling at her to not leave the room.

And then she was alone.

She pulled Elyan closer to her body, cradling him against her chest. There were more screams and a screeching that made the blood freeze in her veins. She was scared to death, but she also couldn't stand feeling helpless any longer. Her gaze fell on her brother's sword and she tried to swallow down her fear. She was not a victim. She was a fighter. Carefully she let Elyan sink down to the floor. She picked up the sword and, with one worried look back, crept out the door.

The creature was hideous, all arms and...things, and glowing green eyes. And Merlin was running towards her, turning around, pushing her behind him, the idiot, when she was the one who was armed. The creature grabbed him around the ankle and then he was sliding along the floor, being dragged, and the screech was triumphant and Merlin... She had to...

He was her friend. He had always been her friend.

"Get away from him!" she roared storming forward, and, oh gods, what was she doing? She thrust the sword into the thing but it kept coming and she tumbled to the floor next to Merlin. And that was it, they would -

And then the creature stumbled towards them, struck down, and there was Arthur.

Arthur was there, and he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

She scrambled up and rushed forward, jumping into his arms and holding on for dear life. Arthur was there and the creature was dead and they were safe. Gwen wanted to sob with relief. She touched Arthur's face, but... Arthur's eyes were already on another.

"You carry on," Merlin called, struggling to sit up. "Don't worry about me."

"Sorry," Arthur called and there was a grin on his face that Gwen had never seen directed at her.

He let her go. In a few long strides he had reached Merlin and pulled up his manservant with a bright and happy smile, clapping him on the shoulder and joking how it was almost good to see him. And while he slung his arm around Gwen's shoulder leading her out of that dreadful place, she knew his eyes were all on Merlin.

*

The knights that had come with Arthur took care of their fellow brothers in arms. The four knights were still unconscious and they took them back to Longstead where Gaius would be able to treat them properly. He had assured her that they should make a full recovery, but Gwen wouldn't let Elyan out of her sight until she saw that for herself.

Arthur was, as always, taking the lead and Merlin was - as always - right beside him. Gwen couldn't hear what they were saying, but from the way Arthur was grinning and Merlin was rolling his eyes, she knew they were involved in their usual tit for tat. It should probably have felt more like a betrayal but by now it only smarted a bit, and she knew that it was hurt pride more than a broken heart.

But, watching Merlin, the question what made him so different kept coming back. Gwen just couldn't shake it off, as if there was a truth there, only waiting for her to see it.

When the victims started to wake up and began to tell their tales, Gwen got her answer.

They had all been pulled in by a sweet-looking girl, whether they were married or not was not important, they had not been able to resist Lamia. And the last thing they all remembered was kissing her. Lamia had seduced them, and the only ones who had been safe were those to whom a girl had no appeal. Women. Children. And Merlin.

And it was indeed like scales falling from her eyes. Her jealousy and resentment had blinded her, she realized. Because, yes, Merlin was always at Arthur's side. Whether Arthur rode out to face a Questing Beast, a dragon or the Dorocha. Whether he was sneaking into enemy camp to stop a war, or holding solemn vigil at his father's lifeless body. Merlin was always there. And it certainly wasn't because Arthur was so keen to drag him into danger. It was Merlin who insisted. Merlin who took the burden upon himself.

Because he loved Arthur.

Somehow understanding this truth about Merlin changed... everything. Gwen realized that she couldn't simply let things progress, couldn't let herself be pushed along by circumstances and lies.

She had to confront them. And she had to confront Arthur.

*

The moment came when they were back in Camelot and Arthur summoned her to his chambers. If it had not been a summon, Gwen might have hesitated, but as it was it only made her realize how fake they had become, turning more unreal the more Arthur had tried to turn them into something else. She had helped him, had been his silently accepting accomplice, but now all they seemed to her was hollow.

''You wanted to see me?'' Gwen asked with a small smile, because that was just who she was and always would be.

''I just wanted to make sure you are alright,'' Arthur told her, and Gwen couldn't help but wince a little. ''You've been through a lot these past few days.''

So why didn't you come and find me, she wanted to ask, but she didn't. There was no sense in being difficult. Arthur tried. She knew, he tried.

So instead she said, ''I'm fine. Nothing a change of place couldn't cure.''

Arthur's smile broadened, exchanging one mask for another.

''I thought I knew everything about you, Guinevere. Since when did you become a fearless hero?''

''Maybe you just didn't notice before,'' she said, feeling a little malicious.

The idea that Arthur really thought he knew everything about her just helped to remind her how much they stood apart. How little common ground they had. How incapable he was to really understand her. He knew servants, who faded into the back ground. He knew ladies of the court, who were mostly décor and tapestry in his life. And he knew knights. Maybe that was the only thing he really knew, the only thing he really could relate to, and Gwen was no knight. Nothing could be further from the way she felt. Gwen was not prepared to die for honour and what not. Gwen wanted a life for herself. And because of that she wasn't fearless. She had definitely been afraid while facing the Lamia. Terrified, really. She had not even known what she was doing. But that wasn't something Arthur would understand. Not Arthur, who was always prepared to die and bleed and sacrifice himself for Camelot.

''Hmmm. Maybe I didn't,'' Arthur conceded. But it was playful, without much reflection. And it made Gwen push just a little more.

''There might be quite a few things you don't notice, Arthur. If you think you know someone, sometimes you can't see what's right in front of you.''

''Really?'' Arthur asked amused. ''So what else have you kept hidden from me?''

''I'm not talking about me,'' she said a little sadly. She had finally given up on any real closeness between them. It wasn't about to happen. And she knew it wasn't Arthur's fault alone.

''Then whom are you talking about?'' Arthur asked, with a frown now, realising that the conversation was not going in the direction he had expected.

Gwen hesitated. For a moment she wanted to hold on to the dreams of a little girl, to the illusions they could continue to act out. But then she pushed them away. Gwen was no little girl anymore. She'd seen and suffered far too much to still believe in fairy tales.

She took a step back. She needed a little distance to break this silently agreed upon dance.

''I'm talking about Merlin, Arthur.''

It still came as a little surprise when the smile dropped of Arthur's face and he turned away from her, shifting the papers on his table around in a poor disguise to hide his nervousness

''Merlin?'' he asked, with an odd voice. ''Merlin is an open book. He's too much of an idiot to keep anything hidden.''

Gwen smiled ruefully. ''Well, now that I look back, I don't think he hid it very well at all, that's what I'm saying. It's actually quite obvious if you know what to look for, Arthur.''

Arthur turned back to her then, and Gwen was taken aback by his face, which was pale and serious.

''Gwen,'' he said urgently, ''I know everything about Merlin.'' He swallowed before he continued, almost in a whisper, ''But nobody else-''

''Merlin likes men,'' Gwen blurted, immediately feeling her face heat, and she bowed her head, wincing with mortification.

''What?'' Arthur obviously had lost his footing in this conversation now.

''Well, actually, I don't know if he, you know, likes all men...'' Gwen explained, wringing her hands and still not able to look Arthur in the eyes. ''Or if it's just you.''

''Wh-what are you...- Gwen! That's not...- what the hell are you talking about?''

Gwen had never seen Arthur so flustered, it would have been funny, well actually it was a little funny, and strangely, it made her lose her own embarrassment.

''I'm quite sure Merlin is a normal- well, maybe not normal, but still, I'm sure he likes-'' Arthur made some hand gestures then, which Gwen couldn't really interpret, but she got the gist.

''The Lamia had no effect on him,'' she interrupted him, looking at him meaningfully. ''None at all.''

That gave him pause.

''So... what are you saying? That it's because he doesn't like women?'' Arthur shook his head. ''It could be a million other reasons-''

''What kind of reasons?''

''Well... Merlin's just a special little snowflake. I mean, he probably wasn't her type, you know. What with the ears and-''

''Arthur,'' Gwen said patiently, ''She had no type. She just wanted to lure us to her ruined castle and feed on us. And you could see that she was angry that Merlin kept speaking up, getting in her way.''

''He did?''

''Oh, yes. He did. The trail we left for you was his idea,'' she admitted. ''and he and the knights nearly came to blows.''

''With Merlin?'' Disbelief coloured Arthur's voice. Then, ''He didn't tell me anything about that.''

''Then maybe you don't know everything about Merlin, after all,'' Gwen said quietly, and if there was a little satisfaction in it it was nobody's business but hers.

When she turned to go, Arthur hardly seemed to notice, and so she was already at the door when he called after her.

''Gwen, wait.''

He looked lost, like a little boy in the woods, and Gwen couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

''Why did you tell me this?'' he asked.

''Oh Arthur, don't tell me you don't know.''

II.

Arthur had known about Merlin's magic for a while now. Because, contrary to some people's opinion, he was neither blind nor dumb. Admittedly, Merlin's fumbling country-boy act had done a halfway decent job of throwing Arthur off the trace. It simply had seemed impossible that someone could have all that power, while hardly being able to walk across a room without stumbling.

He might not have guessed before that, but he had become highly suspicious after their little adventure in Ealdor. Because if Will was a sorcerer, why hadn't he done anything about Kanen and his men? Why would someone who had such power be willing to give up the livelihood of a whole village to a man he could probably defeat on his own? That only made sense if Will was a coward, and he obviously wasn't. He'd given his life for Arthur and he had not even liked him.

Of course, Merlin being the sorcerer did not make much sense either, but then things around Merlin hardly ever made sense in Arthur's experience.

The thing that finally convinced him, though, was the Questing Beast. Not even Arthur was so cocksure of himself that he thought he could defeat one of the most dangerous magical creatures while being unconscious. That thing didn't have a scratch on it when he got knocked down and since Merlin was the only other person there, it could have been only him who had killed it.

Now, he had seen Merlin with a sword. Had seen it, laughed his arse off, tried to teach him to at least not maim himself and finally had given it up for a bad job. Okay, so he might be able to defend himself against... let's say a one-eyed farmer, but no way in hell could he have struck down a beast that Arthur couldn't defeat in a normal fight. And that only left one option: magic.

Had he been angry discovering Merlin was, in fact, a sorcerer? Well, it was a bit difficult to nurture a decent rage when you were dying. It kind of takes the edge off, puts things into perspective. Also, Arthur didn't actually die of his mortal, has-no-cure wound and, since Merlin was acting even stranger than normal, it was a simple enough conclusion that it had been his wayward man-servant who once more saved his life. Even if Arthur hadn't actually figured out how Merlin had done it, yet.

So, yes, Arthur had accepted Merlin's special talent. He could even understand why Merlin didn't tell him. It's not like Arthur had ever openly opposed his father's stand on magic. So he understood, which didn't mean he liked it. And if that made him push Merlin sometimes, putting him in the stocks or giving him so many chores no normal person would ever be able to get it done, well, nobody had ever accused Arthur of being placable.

But, with the years that had gone by since then, Arthur had more or less made his peace with the situation. Merlin kept pretending he was nothing more than a bumbling but loyal man-servant, and Arthur kept pretending to believe it. Arthur's primary objective had long since become to keep Merlin from accidentally outing himself to anyone else, which actually was a lot harder than one would suspect, seeing how Merlin didn't seem to carry even a pinch of self-preservation, never mind good sense.

So when Gwen had told him that he didn't knew all of Merlin's secrets, that there was in fact a secret to know about, Arthur had for a second almost frozen in fear. Luckily, Gwen had drawn the absolutely wrong conclusions, but it still had been a near miss. He kept wondering how long luck would be on Merlin's side.

Gwen's conclusions had nevertheless brought up another problem, namely a secret of his own, and Arthur wasn't quite sure what to do about it. He didn't want to lie to Gwen. Not only was this against his honour as a knight, it was simply less than Gwen deserved. And he knew that if he wanted any chance at sharing a future with her at all, they had to be honest with each other and come to a mutual understanding, but--

But.

This secret of his, the secret Gwen, maybe, had hinted at, if he wasn't getting totally paranoid... it wasn't a secret he had ever talked about. Not with anyone. It was a secret he was hardly able to admit to himself.

He knew it was wrong. He shouldn't feel the way he felt, and he had spent years trying to convince himself that he didn't feel that way, but--

But.

The feelings were there. Unmovable, unshakable and impossible to deny.

Arthur was no coward. He knew he couldn't ignore the issue forever, and maybe now was the time to deal with it. At least he could trust Gwen, of that he was certain. She wasn't the woman he intended to make his queen for nothing. So when he came across her in the courtyard the next day after training, Arthur stopped her and asked her to accompany him to his quarters.

“We need to talk,'' he said simply, and he must have looked as awkward as he felt because Gwen gave him a small, sympathetic smile.

For a moment he wished the alarm-bell would ring, signalling an attack on the city, so that he could get out of this, but he knew even that would only postpone the inevitable.

When they stepped into his rooms, Arthur motioned for Gwen to sit at the table and then started to pace down the length of it. He didn't know how to begin.

''Gwen... you told me yesterday that you have a certain suspicion about Merlin. A suspicion I don't share, but... you also hinted that, well, that you told me for a reason. I don't want to draw the wrong conclusions here, so I have to ask you to elaborate on that reason.''

He had stopped in the middle of his path, looking her in the eyes from the other side of the polished surface of the table. Gwen studied him for a moment, obviously weighing her next words.

''Do you remember a few weeks ago, when we thought we had lost Merlin to those bandits?'' she asked after a long moment.

''Yes...''

It had been one the worst moments of his life when the rockfall had cut him off from Merlin, leaving him at the mercy of a bunch of men who would as easily stab him to death as strike down a fly.

''You wanted to ride out, alone, to look for him,'' Gwen continued.

''I wasn't alone,'' he stressed. It was an old argument, and Arthur didn't exactly like revisiting it. ''I took Gwaine, if you remember.''

''But you would have gone either way. You. The King of Camelot.''

''Gwen, I told you back then, I couldn't just give up on him when there was a chance he was still alive! And I was right about it, wasn't I?“

''You could have sent a search-party.“

''They did not find him!''

Arthur glared at her exasperated, but Gwen didn't seem fazed by it.

''You can't tell me it wasn't against your better judgement,'' she argued, her eyebrows raised.

''Maybe it was,'' Arthur conceded, because it would be foolish to deny it. ''It is still a little surprising to hear this from you, since I did the same for you, Gwen, when you were taken,'' he reminded her.

''Yes. Exactly,'' Gwen said with a wry smile, as if he had just proven her point. ''The very same thing.''

''So-...'' Whatever her point was, Arthur wasn't seeing it.

''I am the woman you claim to love, Arthur,'' she said bluntly. ''What's your excuse with Merlin?''

Excuse me?  ''What's my-... He is my friend!'' he hissed.

''Just your friend?''

''What-?''

He was stumbling. It became more and more clear that Gwen had caught him, had seen through him, into the darkest abyss of his soul. He had feared it already, but being confronted with it still made a huge difference.

''When Camelot was under threat of the Dorocha,'' Gwen continued her reasoning, ''you went to the Isle of the Blessed with the intend to sacrifice yourself for the kingdom. But when Merlin fell ill you were prepared to forget all about it just to save him.''

''How do you...''

''I don't want to reproach you, Arthur. It's hardly my place. And I don't even blame you. I just... I just want you to be honest with me.''

''Gwen... what are you saying?''

He needed to hear it, he realised. Maybe if she said it first-

''That you're in love with Merlin.''

''Wh-what...? No!''

In love with... now, that was ridiculous. Yes, he... looked at Merlin. The way no man should look at another man, but that was hardly... it couldn't... it surely... was that even possible?

''I just want you to admit it! For yourself as much as for me,'' Gwen finally said with a hint of desperation in her voice, and it was probably that, which gave Arthur the final push.

''Gwen...,'' Arthur began, ''Even if... you know I can't.''

''Because he's a servant?'' she snapped.

''Because he's a man!'' he yelled, losing his composure after all, because this was just... How could she not see this? ''It's perverse and obscene,'' he whispered harshly, ''and I'm ashamed to even think something like... I could never... and Merlin isn't like that! He's... he's innocent.''

''I'm not so sure about that. And even if that were the case and, as I have told you, I don't think it is,'' She fixed him with one of her stubborn and serious looks, chin raised in challenge. ''That doesn't change your feelings, Arthur.''

''No,'' he conceded, finally slumping down in the chair opposite from her.

''So where does that leave us?'' she asked, and her voice was small now.

''I still want you to be my queen,'' he said, looking at her with a sad smile.

''And Merlin?''

''He will be by my side, as my servant, just like he has always been.'' He met her eyes, straightening into the posture of a knight, the posture of a king. ''And that will be enough.''

*

It was a fortnight later that Arthur stood in his customary place for being pensive, at the window looking out over Camelot, tinkering with a small wooden box. Somewhere in another corner of his rooms Merlin was fiddling around with the silverware, probably trying to polish it or what not. It wasn't as if Arthur cared all that much as long as the place was reasonably tidy and his bath and food at a bearable temperature. Not that he would ever tell Merlin, he would likely take it as an excuse to become even a more useless servant than he already was.

It wasn't that Arthur didn't appreciate Merlin's services, it was just that Merlin, while being useful in many ways, had never really gotten the hang of his actual job. It was one of the most frequent topics of gossip in the castle, why Arthur endured Merlin's dreadful performance, even took him along on hunting trips, patrols and the occasional quest.

The truth was, apart from Merlin's useful little talent and Arthur's... appreciation of... certain features of his, that Arthur simply enjoyed Merlin's company. And, no, he didn't plan to tell him that either. With Merlin, Arthur could be not alone and still not be under the constant observation he suffered from the rest of the court. For all Merlin's sometimes ridiculous expectations, for Arthur to be a better man and the greatest king there ever was, he still saw Arthur. Just Arthur. Maybe he was the only one who had ever done so.

And so, with time, Merlin's presence had become a form of comfort. At least when he was not bugging him. He even seemed to have the surprising ability to know when Arthur would indulge his idle chatter and when to fade into the background while still providing company. Today Arthur enjoyed the latter.

He had been thinking about his decision for the better part of the evening already, and he knew it was the right choice. Still, he was hesitating, indulging himself with a few more moments of what would soon become his old life. Because from here on out, everything would change.

He had decided to tell his uncle first. It was a courtesy, and it would keep Arthur from backing out. He knew the man wouldn't agree with his choice, but Arthur had come to understand that his uncle's advice was far from infallible.

Agravaine's reaction, then, was as Arthur had predicted. He tried to sway him, reminding him of his duty, going so far as claiming that he could provide all the support that Arthur needed. What his uncle couldn't know was that Arthur had thought of his duty first when making this decision. He needed a queen. Camelot needed a queen. At some point there had to be an heir. If there wasn't, it would only further the ambitions of their enemies.

And Gwen would be a good queen. She knew the hearts of Camelot's people, could provide Arthur with a more empathetic understanding that his upbringing had not granted him. She would be honest with him and supportive and, most importantly, Gwen was loyal. Gwen would never betray him, never stab him in the back like Morgana had done, never withhold the truth like his father. It might not be the love of fairy tales, but then Arthur had never expected his marriage to be. He would be fortunate to marry someone for whom he felt affection and respect. It was more than he had ever hoped for.

So, while he wasn't surprised by his uncle's comments, the reaction that slightly threw him, was Merlin's.

''I'm going to marry Guinevere,'' he'd said, and Merlin had dropped what he was holding with an enormous clatter.

Arthur's intentions towards Gwen weren't something he had never spoken of before, so Merlin had hardly a reason to be so surprised. He would have blamed Merlin's general clumsiness, had his manservant not frozen in place for the longest time before bending down to pick up the bowl he'd been polishing. And even then Merlin did not turn around but remained where he was, his shoulders hunched, his head bowed over his work.

It wouldn't have been so disconcerting, had it been anyone else but nosy, inappropriate Merlin, and it distracted Arthur so much, that he skipped most of his carefully prepared speech, ending up being rather curt with Agravaine.

He couldn't even summon enough care to feel regret about alienating his uncle, when Merlin had not looked at him once since he voiced his plans for marriage. The door closed behind an obviously ruffled Agravaine, leaving a tense and awkward silence in his wake.

Arthur picked up his goblet of wine which he had abandoned on the table earlier, taking a deep gulp.

''You're not saying anything,'' he observed after a few more moments had passed.

Merlin flinched a little.

''What would you have me say, sire?''

''It's not like I can ever get you to shut up about my personal business otherwise.''

Merlin turned around then, finally, a bright smile on his face.

''Just trying to comply with your wishes, sire,'' he said, trying for cheerful.

Arthur raised an eyebrow, granting Merlin with a dubious look.

''I'm... sure Gwen will be ecstatic?''

Arthur just kept looking while Merlin fidgeted, the smile fading from his face.

''And... I know that you...'' Merlin began, but faltered.

He looked away and took a deep breath, like he had to compose himself. But when he met Arthur's eyes again, his smile was back. It was smaller, but also more real. Private.

''You know I wish you all the happiness there is, Arthur. And I'm glad... I'm glad you are following your heart.''

Arthur could only stare at Merlin, watch as the fire from the hearth planted flickering shadows on his pale face. His heart. It was strange that it took Merlin saying those words for Arthur to realize who in fact was in possession of this sorry but tenacious thing.

''Gwen will... She will be a good queen. For Camelot,'' Arthur said with some difficulty.

And it was still true. Even if his epiphany would have been of any consequence, even if there would have been such a possibility as being not alone in his insanity, and there wasn't,... it still would not have changed a thing.

He was the king. His duty was and always would be to Camelot.

''I'm sure she will be wonderful.''

''Yes.''

''I just... I guess, I was a bit surprised...'' Merlin bowed his head, rubbing at the perfectly polished bowl somewhat frantically. ''I mean,...you hadn't said anything, not that you should, it was kind of obvious, after all, that you would ask her I mean, at some point, but... yeah... I guess I was surprised.''

It shouldn't have been so endearing, Merlin stammering like that, but it was and Arthur couldn't suppress the fond smile. Luckily, Merlin didn't catch it.

''You're pissed that I didn't tell you first, aren't you?'' Arthur teased.

''What? No! I'm... why should you?''

''I have no idea.''

''Because you're a prat!''

Merlin glared.

Arthur smirked.

''You'll still be my manservant, Merlin.''

''I know!'' Merlin scoffed, rolling his eyes.

''And don't think I will let Gwen spoil you. You answer to me and to me alone.''

This time Merlin's big smile was real. ''Of course, sire.'' He finally put the bowl on the table. ''Is there anything else you need tonight?''

Arthur hesitated. There was the fire to be banked, the bed to be turned down and Arthur himself was still dressed. But somehow their usual routine seemed too much tonight.

''No. Thank you, Merlin, that will be all.''

Merlin inclined his head and turned towards the door.

''Do you think it's the right decision?'' Arthur blurted just before Merlin had pulled the door open.

Merlin looked back at him, then, and there was an odd expression on his face, something gritty and resigned but proud.

''I think it's the best decision you could have made,'' he said firmly and, before Arthur could comprehend his strange tone, he added quietly, ''Goodnight, sire.''

And then Arthur was alone.

*

Actually proposing to Gwen was kind of anti-climatic.

He had send Merlin ahead to prepare Gwen's house by setting up as many candles as he could carry. Their marriage would be reason of state, but Arthur wanted to give Gwen at least this private moment where they would be just them. And where Gwen would be comfortable to say no if she had any doubts. He wanted to show her that, whether they were king and servant now, from here on out they would be equal and that he didn't expect her to hide who she was or where she had come from.

He had put quite some thought into it but, when the moment came, the words nevertheless felt stiff and formal.

''Would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?''

Gwen hugged him then, throttled him a little to be honest, and for a moment he didn't know whether it was in agreement or apology.

''Is this a yes then?''

''Oh... sorry... yes. Yes!'' Gwen looked at him, biting her lip, and Arthur smiled at her with a nod.

They were in this together and together they would make this work.

*

The tournament was tradition. Merlin might not understand it's significance, but then Merlin could be hopelessly naive when it came to things like the affairs of court and state. Yes, he could have given Gwen flowers, songs or finery but she would have all of that once she was queen anyway. Yes, he could have gone for a romantic gesture, but what use would that be to her?

''My father had a tourney for his wedding. It's tradition, Merlin.''

''Ah, so it's not even an original gesture then.''

Arthur watched as Gwen fetched the ring of ribbons from Percival's lance with a smile.

''I think my future wife understands.''

And he knew she did. Gwen knew their engagement was now a public affair, had to be, even more so since his choice of a bride was seen as inappropriate by quite a few. They had to show them right away that he was not ashamed of Gwen and was not going to hide her. Nothing else would have done this as effectively as holding a tournament and giving Gwen – Guinevere – the place of honour normally reserved for the royal family, accepting the favours of all the knights of Camelot in front of everyone.

Also, Arthur liked to knock the sense out of other sweaty men.

He took a deep gulp of water from the goblet Merlin had prepared for him and watched as the next knight rode into the arena. Only this knight was not one he knew.

''Who the hell is that?''

''I have no idea,'' Merlin said with a frown.

The knight took aim and pierced the ring, riding on to present it to Gwen. He took his helmet off and Arthur thought for a moment his knees would buckle. He was a knight, though, so he stood fast. But he couldn't help the gasp of surprise, that escaped his throat.

''Lancelot?!''

III.

Merlin had known about Gwen's feelings for Lancelot for a very long time now. Probably since the very first time those two had met and blushed and stumbled over their words. It had been kind of adorable and it probably still would be, if Lancelot had not been so ridiculously noble. For him Arthur was the better man and so he had to step down no matter what Gwen might think about it. And back then, back in the old days, Merlin was sure that Gwen would have chosen Lancelot if there had ever been a choice to make.

But since Lancelot kept leaving, Arthur was the one who went on to court her and Gwen finally seemed to be impressed by him. Maybe because he managed to suppress his more prattish traits while in her company.

Merlin, though, had never quite been able to shake the feeling that Arthur was being made a number-two choice, and it riled him. Arthur should never be second best. Arthur was stunning and glorious, if a total clot-pole, but still... somehow larger than life and brighter than the sun, and he deserved to be loved with equal strength and passion.

And while Gwen seemed very flattered by Arthur's affections, she never looked at him the way she had looked at Lancelot.

And now Lancelot was back. On the eve of Arthur's wedding. It felt like an omen, but Merlin knew that not only was he crap as a seer, he also was not exactly the most objective person in this case.

It should have been a happy day. He should have joined in with the knights in their joy and gratefulness over dinner, but all Merlin could feel was slightly sick and anxious.

He couldn't even think about Arthur getting married the day after tomorrow because of all those stupid feelings that thought evoked. Hell, it wasn't as if he had not anticipated it. He had known that it was coming and, after Uther had died, one could have asked what Arthur was waiting for. But Merlin hadn't asked. Had just lived from day to day and crisis to crisis, had curled up in his place next to Arthur as if he could stay there forever if he just ignored the fact that, normally, next to the king there was a queen.

And it wasn't as if that role had not been cast already by Arthur.

As for Merlin, it probably had been inevitable. From the dragon talking about their joined destiny and being two sides of the same coin to Merlin spending the best part of his days focused on Arthur, from saving each others lives to watching Arthur, the perfectly poised crown prince, relax and pull off his armour in more than one way around Merlin... there just had been no room for anything or anyone else. His life was all about Arthur.

At first he had become fond of him, then he had started to admire him and some time on the way, when he wasn't even looking, he had come to feel so much for Arthur that there was just one word left for it. Merlin didn't like to use the word, not even in his own mind. Because every time he did, he could see Arthur's face spreading in a mocking smirk, teasing him.

''Don't be such a girl, Merlin!''

So... yeah. Not thinking about that.

That left the other happy news, but Merlin couldn't quite get in the swing of that either. There was simply something off about Lancelot, even if Merlin seemed to be the only one who could see it. Lancelot said the right things but it almost seemed like his heart was not in it. And when Merlin finally brought himself to face his old friend and talk about what happened on the Isle of the Blessed... Lancelot had forgotten about Merlin's magic.

Now, Merlin knew that Lancelot had to have been through quite a lot, but that seemed to be a bit specific spot of amnesia. And of course it wasn't. After consulting with Gaius and some neat paintwork on the floor they had their answer.

Lancelot was a shade. A tormented soul summoned from his rest by a necromancer.

Now, who could that be?

The more important question though was what the shade was here to achieve. The logical conclusion was that it planned to kill Arthur, who had given it a convenient opportunity with his stupid tournament.

And so Merlin spent the next day anxiously watching the proceedings, groaning each time Arthur and Lancelot defeated their opponents, both heading to face each other in the final. He thought of spells he could use, all too aware of the stands full of people, but it all ended surprisingly unspectacular, after all, with Lancelot yielding.

Merlin was confused. In his experience, trying to kill Arthur was what evil sorcerers liked best. And it wasn't like Morgana had not tried before. So if Arthur's death wasn't the goal of her devious plan, what was it?

Well, that was for him to find out.

He was momentarily distracted, though, by Gwen, who seemed to think it wasn't inappropriate at all to sneak into the tent of another knight. And not any knight, Merlin realized with a sinking heart, but Lancelot's.

It really was becoming a bit much, what with the evil threat of Morgana's shade and his own not to be thought about feelings for Arthur, he couldn't really be expected to keep Gwen from doing something stupid on the eve of her own wedding on top of that, could he?

And after all, it was Gwen, this had to be totally harmless, had it not?

Because, while Merlin was sure Gwen had always had feelings for Lancelot, there was one thing nobody would deny, not even Merlin. Not even when he was jealous as hell. And that was Gwen's righteousness and her loyalty.

It had become quite apparent which urge in Gwen was stronger when Lancelot had come back, all those months ago, and then, finally, had become a knight of Camelot. Merlin saw Gwen looking, but she never made a move, never swayed. She had accepted Arthur's courtship, strange and sometimes awkward as it was, and she wouldn't go back on that unspoken promise to wait for him.

So when Merlin saw Gwen slipping into Lancelot's tent at the tournament he was first confused and then a little stunned. It couldn't be what it looked like. But everyone who knew Merlin, namely Arthur, knew that he was too curious, okay nosy, for his own good. So he had to sneak up on them. He listened and he glimpsed and... he was shocked.

Gwen was... she had no business touching Lancelot like that. Looking at him like that! And it wasn't even him, he was a shade, probably under Morgana's control... but Gwen didn't know that. She thought it was Lancelot, back from the dead.

And she was going to marry Arthur tomorrow.

What, the hell, was she doing!?

*

That evening found Merlin pacing in his own room, which was much too small for a good pace, but Arthur had chosen to keep to himself before the big day tomorrow. It probably was better that way, because Merlin didn't know how he could have faced him with all these secrets, piled on top of his general secrets, and he'd been worried to just go and blurt out that Gwen was kind of, maybe, meeting other men and touching them and how that didn't exactly went along well with the faithful part of a marriage, but... yeah. No. It was better if Merlin didn't come across Arthur right now.

What Merlin really had to do, was find out why Lancelot, why the shade, was here. And the only way he could come up with was following it. He saw him meet with Agravaine, and, yeah, that wasn't a sore point at all, but when the shade went on on its way to the council chamber, Merlin blew caution to the wind and attacked. It felt really good. He obviously had needed that. Unfortunately he had kind of... miscalculated.

When he came around again, the shade was gone and Merlin could only rush on to the council chamber. He was too late. Or maybe he was just on time. It really was a matter of perspective.

Gwen was there. With Lancelot. And they were kissing. But that was not what made Merlin's heart stop. It was Arthur. Arthur who stood right across from him, stopped short in helpless shock, a look of disbelief and hurt painted too clearly across his face.

He had been betrayed. Once more he had been betrayed.

Merlin could see the fury building, and he felt a similar thing rising up in his own chest.

How could Gwen do this to Arthur? How could she make a fool of him, cheat on him, betray him... like this? Merlin's heart broke for his friend, but there was not much time to dwell on it because there was a roar, and then Arthur was moving.

He was like a fury, like a god of wrath awakened. But also like a wounded animal who wasn't in control. When he lost his footing Merlin was there, his magic acting almost without a thought. All he could feel was a cold resolve. Arthur would lose nothing else tonight and certainly not what remained of his dignity.

Gwen had different priorities it seemed. She stepped in front of a disarmed Lancelot, shielding him from Arthur's sword and begging her betrothed to stop.

For a moment Arthur just stared at her. Like he didn't know who she was at all. Like he didn't know who he was supposed to be in all of this. He lowered his sword. And then he just turned around and left. Without a second glance. Without a word.

As soon as Arthur was gone, Agravaine stepped out of the shadows. Merlin knew that he had called the guards already but, for a moment, while Agravaine made a show of shoving Lancelot out of the room, there were just the two of them.

''How could you do this to him?'' Merlin asked from where he had stood, this whole time, watching. His voice sounded horse, even to his own ears.

Gwen whipped around, a shocked and almost desperate look on her face. She had not seen him, then. She stared at him like a dear, faced with the hunter's bow.

“How could you betray him like this?”

''I... I don't know...''

''Don't you?'' Merlin asked harshly, ''Then what were you thinking? That you could have both? That you could be queen and have Lancelot on the side? That Arthur wouldn't notice with all his kingly duties? What were you thinking, Gwen?''

''Maybe I just wanted to be loved!'' she cried, tears running down her face now.

''And Arthur's love wasn't good enough?''

''...no,'' Gwen whispered.

How could that be? How could Gwen so foolishly disregard something so precious, something so rare. Arthur was not an emotional man. He couldn't be. The pressure of his duties, all the responsibilities and expectations, beaten into him from a very young age, had taught him to hold it all inside. His real armour was one that didn't need to be polished. It was an attitude of pride and arrogance and strength that didn't leave room for vulnerabilities. But he had given Gwen a glimpse of the man behind all this, and she... she had turned his trust into a weapon against him.

''Arthur loves you more than anyone, Gwen!'' Merlin said helplessly, ''All this years, it was all about you. He risked so much! How can you say that's not enough? He's... he's Arthur.''

There was a bitter laugh. ''You really don't know anything, Merlin, do you?'' she spat, and it was such an unexpected sound, coming from Gwen's mouth, that Merlin almost gaped. ''He betrayed me first! All right? It's not an excuse, I know there is no excuse, but... he betrayed me first.''

''Arthur would never betray you, Gwen! Not in a million lifetimes! How can you even say that? After all he has-''

''Arthur doesn't love me, Merlin,'' Gwen said tiredly. ''He cares about me. And he thinks I'll be a good queen. But his heart was never truly mine. It belongs to someone else. Someone I can't compete with.''

Two guards came into the chamber then and Gwen went with them without resistance, leaving Merlin stunned and disbelieving, her words ringing in the silence of the room.

*

Merlin didn't waste much time contemplating Gwen's words. He didn't know whether Arthur would appreciate it, he probably wouldn't, but Merlin had to find him and, well, see if he was all right. Which, of course, he wasn't. But maybe Merlin could... help. Or be a nuisance. Or just keep him company. Anyway, Merlin couldn't stay away when he knew Arthur was hurt.

He found him in his chambers, predictably, staring into the glowing embers of the stoked fire, hands on his hips and head bowed. His face was blank. He didn't look up when Merlin slipped through the door, but he must have noticed him.

''Why, Merlin?'' he said quietly after a moment. ''Tell me why this keeps happening to me. Why do they betray me? Why do they all betray me?'' He turned around then, fixing Merlin with a dark look, his words becoming bitter and ugly. ''My own father lied to me. Lied about my sister, probably lied about my mother's death and the circumstances of my birth. Then my sister decides she doesn't just want my crown, she'd like to see me dead in the process. And now Gwen? And Lancelot? Is there no one who will stand with me?''

''There are many who do!'' Merlin rushed to object, ''Your knights would give their life for you without a second thought! And your people love you!''

And I, Arthur, I will always stand by you. I will never desert you. I will always... always, Arthur.

Arthur gave him a tired smile before he turned back to the fire. ''My knights have sworn an oath, Merlin. And the people of Camelot hardly have a choice in who rules them.''

''I... I have a choice. And I choose to stay with you. I've told you before, I'm happy to serve you until the day I die.''

There was a moment of silence, a moment waiting for something to happen, waiting for something to be said, and then-

''Is that really all you want, Merlin?'' Arthur asked in a strange tone. ''Is there nothing else you require, nothing else you long for?''

''There are... things, but...''

''Don't you want to be able to practice your magic without fear for repercussion?''

Merlin's heart stopped. Honestly, it just stopped. There was no breath in his lungs either. There was just Arthur, standing in the glow of the firelight, golden and still, ripping the floor right from under Merlin's feet.

''Arthur?'' he croaked.

Arthur sighed. ''I have known for a long time, Merlin.''

''You have...''

Merlin's knees buckled and he was only half aware when they hit the ground. Arthur knew. Arthur had known for a while. Arthur knew about his magic.

''Why didn't you say anything?'' he whispered.

''It seemed that you didn't want me to know.''

There was a pout on Arthur's lips and an eyebrow raised in challenge, when Merlin looked up at him with wide eyes.

''Of course, I didn't!'' Merlin choked. ''There was a sorcerer burning in that courtyard down there every other week! How could I...''

''You thought you would share their fate if I found out.''

It wasn't a question. But the disappointment, the hurt, was quite evident, even if Arthur tried to hide it.

''I didn't know what you would do. I just knew that I needed to stay with you, to protect you.''

A sad smile creased the corners of Arthur's mouth. ''Well, then I guess you really are the most loyal friend I have. If a bit of an idiot. Coming to Camelot, Merlin? Of all places?''

''You're not angry?'' Merlin asked somewhat gobsmacked.

Arthur shrugged. ''All the life saving got me over it after awhile.''

That was definitely not how Merlin had imagined that conversation to go. Oh. Right. Merlin had nearly forgotten the reason he had come here. They would talk about this, Merlin would make sure of that. He still couldn't quite get his head around the fact that Arthur knew, and not only did he know he seemed to accept-... But, yeah, not the time.

''What are you going to do about Gwen?''

The pain was back on Arthur's face then, but it was mixed with resignation and tiredness now.

''I don't know.'' He looked at Merlin, studied him for a moment, as if he was weighing his next words. ''I... I hurt her too. Before. What I had to offer her wasn't all she had hoped for. But I was honest with her, and I thought she understood. She agreed. Why did she agree to marry me, if she... why didn't she talk to me? And Lancelot... I can't-''

''Lancelot is not who he seems to be,'' Merlin blurted.

''No,'' Arthur said, swallowing but nodding. ''It seems he isn't.''

''No.'' Merlin scrambled up from the floor. ''I mean he isn't the Lancelot we know. He is... Gaius and I are quite certain that he is a shade.''

Arthur looked at him with a confused frown. ''A shade? What-''

''It's a tormented soul, awakened by a necromancer, a powerful sorcerer. All there is left is a shadow that looks like the person and speaks like them , but... it's not them. Not really. The sorcerer has total control over the shade.''

''Who would-? Morgana.'' Arthur sighed. ''So Lancelot has no choice over his actions, is that what you're saying?''

''I think he doesn't even know who he is. He only knows what Morgana has told him.''

''How can we free him of her control?''

Merlin bowed his head and swallowed. ''We can't. The only way to break her spell is to kill him.''

Arthur stared at him for a beat, then he looked away and nodded.

''And Gwen? Is she... under a spell as well?''

Merlin winced. ''Not that I know off.''

Another nod.

''Well. Alright then. I guess there really is just one way to go about it.''

*

When they arrived at the thrown room Gwen was on her knees, surrounded by Arthur's loyal knights as well as Agravaine. Merlin glanced at Elyan, wondering what he thought of this, wondering whether he would come to his sisters defence.

But if he had planned to do so, Arthur didn't give him the chance. Without looking at any one of them, he told them to leave. Everyone. Merlin remained where he was, though, hidden in the shadows. He didn't know whether Arthur chose to ignore his disobedience or whether he was too preoccupied to even notice.

''What are you still doing on your knees?'' Arthur asked, when the knights had cleared out, leaving him and Gwen alone in the middle of the room. ''I'm not just you're king. I was to be your husband.''

Gwen got up, but she kept her eyes on the floor. Arthur was pacing.

''What happened Guinevere? You love him? You've always loved him? All this time you said you wanted to be with me?''

He stopped in front of her. His face was impassive, but Merlin knew there was a storm in his eyes.

''Tomorrow was our wedding day,'' he said calmly. ''If you were worried-''

''I wasn't worried.''

''If you had doubts-'' Arthur tried again.

''I didn't have any doubts!'' Gwen cried.

''Then forgive me because I must be very stupid. So please tell me: What were you doing, Gwen?''

''I don't know! I was... I thought he was dead. I thought I was never going to see him again... but then he was back, and I... I was happy. Happy, that he was alive. I-''

''Yes. I could see that,'' Arthur bites out coldly.

Gwen looks away silently, and Arthur's voice is softer when he continues, ''He is not Lancelot, though. I'm sorry, Gwen, Lancelot is dead. The man you-... He's a creature of Morgana. She probably wanted this to happen.''

''What? No!'' If it was possible, Gwen looked even more distraught. ''No... no...'' Tears were rolling in fat rivers down her cheeks now.

''I'm sorry, Gwen.''

Gwen wiped at her eyes, visibly trying to compose herself.

''What will you do know?''

Arthur turned his back to her. ''You know what they are saying? That in my father's days you would be put to death.'' He looked back at her over his shoulder then. ''I don't want to see you dead, Gwen. But tell me what I should do?''

In the end it was decided that Gwen would leave Camelot for some time. They would say that Gwen had fallen ill, due to an attack from a magical creature that had managed to look like the dead Sir Lancelot du Lac. Gwen would travel to Lord Godwyn's estates at the Northern Sea. Elyan would go with her.

That was the story. It was the king's word and no one dared to doubt it.

*

Merlin found Gwen at her old home, packing. He didn't know what had compelled him to come here, he was still angry with her, but Gwen had been the first person who had befriended him when he had come to Camelot. She had helped him and shown him around. Maybe he just needed to understand, and he still didn't.

''Merlin,'' Gwen said, surprised and a little uncomfortable when he knocked and let himself in through the door.

''When are you leaving?'' Merlin asked, not sure what else to say.

''Later today. I'm nearly done packing.''

Merlin nodded.

''Don't get me wrong, Merlin, but... what do you want? I know you are not exactly happy with me right now.''

''I just... I don't understand, Gwen. I don't understand what happened. I mean, I know Arthur loves you. I know there is no one else, what ever you might think, Gwen-''

''There is,'' Gwen insisted tiredly. ''There has been for a very long time. Probably long before Arthur ever started to court me.''

''But that's stupid!'' Merlin burst out. ''You know that's not true! If there was anyone, I would know!''

''Would you?'' Gwen laughed self-deprecatingly. Then she shook her head. ''Sometimes I wish you had never come to Camelot. But maybe then Arthur would never have become the man I wanted to marry.''

''What!? What do I have to do with anything?''

''Oh Merlin.'' She just sounded tired now, bone-dreary and defeated. ''You really can't see it?''

''See what?''

''Why did the Lamia have no effect on you, Merlin?''

''Wh-what?''

''Is it because you're in love with Arthur?''

''No!''

''Really?''

''No,'' Merlin said with a sigh. ''It's because I have magic. But... I guess the other would have been a good reason too.''

Gwen stared at him then. He didn't know what she was thinking. He didn't know why he had told her, only that since Arthur knew it suddenly didn't seem so important anymore, and maybe this was a small olive branch. Some honesty. Since there apparently had been so little to go around for all these years. A first step to do things better.

After a moment of shocked silence, Gwen started laughing. She laughed and laughed until she was crying, and then she hugged Merlin.

''I'm sorry,'' she whispered, ''and good luck.''

She let go of him and slipped away, only stopping for a moment in the doorway to the old smithy.

''The Lamia,'' she said, turning back to look at Merlin, ''it would not have had any effect on Arthur either.''

And then she was gone, leaving Merlin standing alone in the pale sunlight filtering through the windows.

IV.

The truth was that Arthur needed time. He could forgive Gwen her indiscretion. He was hardly without fault himself after all. But he didn't know if he could trust her again. He still believed that she would make a good queen, and maybe one day it would still come to pass, but there had been too much betrayal already for Arthur to just forget. He didn't begrudge Gwen her love for another man, he just couldn't accept the dishonesty and the secrets. He knew that it was difficult for Gwen to leave her home, but there was no other way to circumvent the rumours. Her departure was necessary for both their sakes.

They had said their goodbyes in the courtyard in private. Gwen and Elyan choosing to leave without any fanfare.

''I truly am sorry, Gwen,'' Arthur had said, ''It won't be forever, I promise you that.''

Gwen had given him a brave smile. ''It's all right, Arthur. A change of place, that's what I wanted, wasn't it?''

''Lord Godwyn and Elena will be good to you.''

''I know.''

''Take care of yourself, Gwen.''

''You too. And... take care of Merlin.''

*

Merlin found him on top of the highest tower, watching as the small figures of Gwen and Elyan faded with the backdrop of Camelot's fields and forests.

''It's not too late, you know,'' Merlin said, stepping up to the battlements next to him. ''Gwen is a good person. Whatever she has done, I'm sure of that.''

''You're a good friend Merlin, but this... it's for the best, for Gwen as much as for me.''

Merlin sighed, but nodded. It was an unusual quick defeat. His long pale fingers traced the rough stones in front of him and Arthur turned towards him, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, waiting.

''So... there was the Lamia,'' Merlin said, apropos of nothing.

''Yes, Merlin, I remember. I defeated the thing after all.''

''Well, actually, that was me,'' Merlin quipped.

''I thrust a sword into its head...''

''… which only had any effect because of my magic!''

''Huh. Let's say it was a joined effort.''

Merlin grinned at him. ''Yeah. Let's.''

''So...'' Arthur studied the toes of his boots with some interest. Merlin needed to polish them again. ''It seemed the creature had no interest in your skinny arse.''

Merlin huffed. ''Oh it had interest alright! It was just too afraid of me!''

''Yeah, scary bastard you are.''

''You know it!''

''Strangely enough, Gwen had another theory.''

Merlin gulped. ''Oh.''

''Yeah. She seemed to think the Lamia could only seduce men.'' Arthur smirked. ''I've always known you're a giant girl!''

Merlin rolled his eyes at him, but then he bit his lip, looking away.

Arthur couldn't help staring at the way his teeth worried at his plump bottom lip.

''Or, you know...'' he started hoarsely, ''there might be another explanation.''

''Yeah?''

''Maybe you just weren't interested in her.''

Merlin looked up then, his eyes full of uncertainty but with a glimmer of hope.

''I guess, I really, really wasn't,'' he said quietly.

''Yeah? How come?''

''Well... I guess I have a very special type.''

''And what's that?'' Arthur whispered.

And when had they come so close to each other, barely two hand's breath between them?

''I... I only like blond prats with ridiculously blue eyes and a sword arm to die for. Seen any like that around?''

Arthur's eyes darkened as he zeroed in on Merlin's terrified eyes, his slightly parted lips, the deep blush on his high cheekbones.

''Luckily for you, I know just the one,'' he murmured against Merlin's lips before he kissed him.

FIN