Work Text:
Urgency!
[Song "Exciting High Energy Show Opening Credit Theme" omitted because we play that on all the other episodes]
"You know we have to work Christmas Eve this year."
John Gage, who had been seated at the dining table of the Los Angeles County Fire Department station that housed Squad and Engine 51, dropped his head. The news from firefighter Chet Kelly was no news to him. "I know. We had it off last year and had to work Christmas Day. This year it's switched. I'm not happy about it, but the only fair way is to trade off with B Shift every year." Rotational schedules had their advantages and disadvantages. On today and tomorrow, off Christmas Day and the day after. Unlike a regular business, you just couldn't shut down emergency services even if it was a holiday.
"Yeah. That means that some of us have to plan around it with our loved ones. By the way, got a date to spend Christmas Day?" Before Johnny could answer, Chet smirked and continued "Oh that's right, you probably don't." He patted the firefighter-paramedic on the back. "See how easy life is when you're alone?"
[Chet's song "Neener, Neener, Christmas Wiener" omitted for possible double entrendre]
Roy DeSoto, Johnny's partner in Squad 51, entered the room from elsewhere in the station. "I can't wait for tomorrow's shift to be over. Are you guys talking about what we're going to eat Christmas Eve?" Roy would be spending Christmas Day with his wife and two children.
"I wish we were," Johnny said dejectedly. It looked like another Christmas with his cousins. He appreciated that Roy had invited him to dinner with his family, but he was hoping that some other company might have panned out.
"You better put some thought into it and hurry up. It's usually slow that day, we'll have plenty of time to eat and relax here at the station."
[Roy's song "I Relish Slow Days" omitted due to bad food puns]
[Johnny's song "The Food AND the Puns Will be Bad" omitted for being too much of a spoiler]
[Chet's song "Don't Talk to Me About Spoilage, I Wasn't the One that Left the Turkey Sitting Out Last Year" omitted due to the FDA, CDC and OSHA squabbling about jurisdiction]
The medley might have gone on for an annoyingly long time if the speaker on the wall hadn't come to life. The tones for their station played, followed by "Squad 51, Engine 51. Man dangling from roof. Possible electrocution. 3323 34th street, cross street Kringle. Three three two three 42nd. Time out nine thirteen."
"Squad 51. KMG 365," Gage acknowledged as their truck rolled away, followed by Engine 51.
Arriving on the scene, they found a man tangled up in Christmas lights, where they were the only thing keeping him dangling precariously from the eave of a house like a moth caught in a giant spider web. They quickly cut the power to the lights and used a ladder to bring the man down. While Roy took the vitals, Johnny called Rampart Hospital on the Biophone. Dr. Kelly Brackett listened carefully to the details, along with Dr. Joe Early and Head Nurse Dixie McCall. They then played "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to determine the proper diagnosis.
[The hospital trio singing "Two out of Three Wins" omitted because it really went to three out of five]
Brackett then relayed the consensus instructions for treatment while the other two snuck off into a broom closet. Roy knitted his eyebrows and asked Johnny to have Rampart repeat the confusing instructions.
[Dr. Brackett's song "Insert the Blue Wire in His Nose, the Red in His Ear, and Switch to Circuit B" omitted pending approval from Underwriter's Laboratory]
An ambulance arrived and transported the victim to the hospital to have several bulbs removed from various orifices. Gage and DeSoto hadn't even gotten back to the station when they received another call from dispatch about a man caught in a chimney. They responded to the site and found no one around. Wanting to make sure, they climbed a ladder onto the roof and checked the chimney.
"Hello down there!" Gage called. "Anybody home?"
"Would you believe me if I said no?" a voice called out from the darkness, punctuated with a cough and a groan.
"We're with the Los Angeles Fire Department. Someone phoned in hearing calls for help. Do you need rescuing?" DeSoto asked. It never hurt to be sure. "We wouldn't want to delay Santa on his rounds, although you're a little early."
"Ho Ho Hope you can help me outta here. I've been calling for help since last night."
"People usually don't clean their chimney's in the middle of the night."
"Okay, I confess, I was trying to break in. I give up. Now get me out!"
"How are we going to do this?" Johnny asked. "Nobody home. We probably can't get to him from inside."
[DeSoto's song "We Could Use Dynamite" omitted due to viral videos not being invented yet]
[Gage's "Maybe Come Back Tomorrow When He's Thinner" omitted because the forecast was for rain]
[The burglar's song "Quit Making Me Laugh" omitted for humanitarian reasons]
"Let's use the portable winch. This chimney looks strong enough to support it," DeSoto suggested.
"I'll hold my breath!" the victim offered.
"When you get the line, THEN let out your breath and hold it," Gage said. "If you breathe in and hold your breath then you just expand your chest, not contract it."
[Rendition of "Someday I Really Do Want to Use Dynamite" omitted since it wouldn't make any sense without the earlier song, although it would be cool]
The winch was heavy, but they were able to brace it and use the cable to pull the man up and out. He wasn't covered with much soot, but the dust and the spiderwebs certainly made up for it in square footage. His arms were stuck in a position that seemed to be signaling a touchdown, but they found an extra-long gurney, and he was transported to the hospital.
They managed to grab a few sandwiches for lunch from a fast food chain that sponsored the show before heading back to the station, but it wasn't even an hour when the paramedics got another call. They took down the information and rolled out, arriving a little later at yet another home. A woman met them at the door and hurried them inside to a hallway. A closet door was open and sprawled in the carpeted floor was a young boy, about eight years old. He was out cold. "I didn't want to move him, just in case...in case..." the mother said, with a worried look on her face.
"Good thinking," DeSoto said as he checked for a pulse. The boy seemed to be breathing normally, he but was unresponsive when asked to wake up.
Gage looked around. Inside the closet, high up on a shelf, there were Christmas packages stacked including one that suspiciously looked like a bowling ball. In front of the coats, there was a chair with a crate stacked on it in front. Nearby on the floor, a box lay to one side. The clear cellophane top revealed that it was fruitcake. "He's been knocked out. We're going to use smelling salts." He went back to their response kit and rummaged around for a moment until extracting a small ampule. He broke it open and waved it near the boy's nose. The kid's body went rigid for a moment as he opened his eyes, and he pulled away from the ampule, which Gage took back.
"It's okay son," DeSoto said as he held the boy down. "You got knocked out." He checked his eyes for dilation and didn't see anything worrying.
"What happened?" the mom asked.
[The duet "Your Son Has Been Knocked Out by a Fruitcake" omitted pending ballistics results]
"It looks like he was trying to get a sneak peak at those Christmas presents," Gage explained. "Probably tried to climb up on the chair and crate to reach them. My guess is that he jostled the fruitcake, it fell off the top shelf and conked him on the head. He would have been better off if the bowling ball had gotten him."
"Frankie, you could have been killed!" the mom said.
DeSoto assured her that kids got hit on the head with fruitcakes all the time and then spent ten minutes relaying a story about a childhood accident before almost breaking into song.
[Roy's "The Only Danger in Fruitcake is Eating It" omitted due to a court injunction by the United States Fruitcake Anti-Defamation League]
"Yeah, if some of that fruitcake had fallen into his mouth then it would have been another matter," Gage concluded. "Next time, just be patient. You can wait another couple of days to find out what color socks you got this year."
It was late afternoon by the time the pair got back to the station. Johnny walked into the dining area and saw Mike Stoker and Marco Lopez sitting at the table with concerned expressions. Chet was also sitting, smugly smiling with his arms crossed. "Don't worry Johnny, I've got tomorrow's meal all taken care of."
Horrified at the prospect of another of Chet's experimental dishes, he sat down glumly. "Don't we even have any say in the matter?"
"Nope. It's a done deal," Marco chimed in. "He won't tell me what it is."
"Don't look at me," Mike added. "I'm as much in the dark as you are. A little scared, too."
"Oh come on guys, you're gonna love it. Remember that time I...no, it's probably better to forget about that. How about...um...forget about that one too. Okay, I admit sometimes things don't come out quite like I plan in the kitchen. But you'll love this one, I guarantee it. Johnny got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where you going?" Chet asked.
"Going to go look something up."
[Johnny's song "What Chapter Was Stomach Pumping Under?" omitted due to a newly edited edition of the Paramedic Procedures Manual coming out soon]
~oOo~
The next day, true to Roy's prediction, it was very quiet. The whole city seemed to be shutting down early in preparation for the holiday. By late afternoon the crew - with the exception of Chet - had slowly assembled around the dining table, not looking forward to the meal. Even Captain Stanley was present. The mood was mirrored as Boot looked subdued while he sat curled up on his bed.
[Dirge "I Thought I Got to Pick my Last Meal" omitted because dirges are seldom festive - in fact, they never are, now that I mention it]
"What do you think it'll be?"
"No idea. Hey, it may not kill us."
"Maybe we'll just wish we were dead."
"I've got some crackers and peanut butter in my locker just in case."
"I'll split 'em with you, save me half."
"Hey guys!" Chet said as he strolled into the room with several boxes. Without any fanfare, he quickly placed three fruitcakes down the middle of the table. "You didn't think I'd forget, did you? Christmas Eve meal courtesy of The Phantom."
The men stared at the fruitcakes. No words were said. No palm to the forehead, no whistle, no shaking of the head in disbelief. Slowly Johnny stuck a finger out and pushed at the fruitcake nearest him. There was no give - it just stood solidly, refusing to slide unless more effort was provided. "Uh, thanks Chet. You shouldn't have. Really."
"Put that back," he said as he moved the fruitcake back a smidge. You guys look so sour. Let's liven up the mood a little." He clapped his hands twice and two women came in carrying pizza boxes. While they placed the boxes on top of the fruitcake stands, Chet got out plates and napkins. "A couple neighbors of mine work at a pizza joint. Thanks, ladies."
The mood changed immediately. Pizza wasn't particularly special, but the dread that was lifted was enough to make it seem like ambrosia. The men started laughing and talking and reaching here and there for slices. The two women pulled up a couple of chairs and joined in. After everyone was seated, Chet disappeared again only to reappear shortly after, carrying a large urn.
"What's that?" Johnny asked between bites.
"Something I made special for the occasion. My own family recipe for apple cider with oregano."
[Song "It's So Good I Can't Wait to Miss It" omitted while Rampart cleared an entire ward for an influx of firefighters]
The End