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Everyone has a soulmate.
No marks, no names, no first or last words.
But one’s soulmate can literally feel one’s emotions, as soft or strong as they may be.
That was something John used to cling to: the feeling of not being alone, of having someone to share his problems with even if the other person didn’t know what they were about.
That was, yes, in the past.
After joining the United States Military Academy, John slowly started to hide his feelings from his soulmate.
It wasn’t intentional, but he could feel how his soulmate was also suffering, so John didn’t want to burden them with himself all the time.
And with the pass of time, and everything that was happening with John, he decided to not drag his soulmate down with him.
John knew Olivia wasn’t his soulmate.
Still, he loved her.
He learnt that soulmates and love didn’t need to go together.
But just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean you have to stay together forever.
After John met Bucky Barnes in person, he knew there was something wrong with him, as if he already knew the older man.
And when they finally touched.
Oh god.
John’s heart skipped a bit.
Things started to go way worse for John.
Not only with the thing of Lemar, but also his relationship with Olivia is stranded.
And John was wishing Bucky didn’t notice they were each other’s soulmate.
Now, he didn’t want to burden the James ‘Bucky’ Barnes with his unnecessary feelings.
Hiding everything was actually difficult.
Even with all the years of practice, hiding it all was worse.
John needed to take slow and measured breaths and build walls with sandbags.
His mind was always tired, and his body was never behind.
After all, not even in his sleep could John have a break, scared of letting it slip.
Being away from Bucky was the best, making John breathe better.
But after the whole new Avengers shit Val tossed at them, John just didn't have to keep his feelings at bay but also try to avoid Bucky's interrogative gaze.
John was so tired of it all.
It hurt him to shut down the bond, but it was a price John was willing to pay.
It would be better if John were the only one drowning.
Bucky grew up thinking he didn't have a soulmate.
At first he thought his soulmate hadn't reached the age, but even then a part of him thought he was an exception of destiny.
That was his trail of thinking until one night he felt it: excitement and happiness that weren't his.
It was overwhelming, in a good way.
For the first time in many years, Bucky didn’t feel hollow.
And Bucky was happy because he was able to cling on to that.
But things never last long for Bucky.
He started to notice how his soulmate and his bond were getting thin.
For Bucky it was like turning down the volume of the radio.
A muted hum instead of emotions.
And the worst thing of all was that it didn’t feel like absence, but it was… like wrongness.
Did he do something wrong?
Why has he been shut out?
His questions weren’t answered; actually, Bucky got more questions after he met John Walker.
The bastard that took on the Captain America mantle.
Bucky didn’t have a good impression of the man.
Until they touched.
And Bucky knew right away they were soulmates.
And a new question crossed Bucky’s mind.
How come such a loud person as John Walker felt so silent in their bond?
Not only that, but Bucky noticed how John always avoided being alone with him.
Whenever there was a small chance they could talk like civilised people, John would storm away, not looking back, leaving Bucky confused and feeling more hurt.
Bucky was cleaning his room when he felt it.
A painful pull from his bond.
Fear, agitation, pain, sadness.
It disappeared as fast as it came.
But Bucky knew something was wrong; all this time John had made sure not to let anything through their bond, and now this?
Bucky needed answers. So he stopped what he was doing and stepped out of his room.
It was quiet outside; most of the team were asleep or confined in their rooms.
When Bucky passed John’s room door, it was open.
No sight of the blonde inside.
So Bucky went to the kitchen.
For someone as loud as John, he was making coffee as silently as possible to not disturb the others.
Bucky looked at John, shoulders slightly down, with black circles under his eyes, and his usual baby-blue eyes were glazed.
So this is what a tired John looked like.
“Everything alright, Walker?”
Bucky didn’t want to overwhelm the younger one, so he stopped just at the kitchen island corner.
John jumped slightly, probably surprised to hear Bucky’s voice.
“Peachy”
Sarcasm, right.
Bucky completely forgot John would never talk to him straightforwardly.
Bucky took two steps forward.
“You look tired. Bad night?”
John smirked dryly.
“What do you want, Barnes?”
“I just want to make sure you are alright.”
John stepped away from the coffee machine, finally looking at Bucky.
“Why? What is in it for you?”
“Why?”
Yes, why?
After all this time, why was Bucky confronting John?
He should have left.
But he didn’t.
“Because we are fucking soulmates. Because you had been keeping me in the dark for years.”
Surprise.
Bucky felt another emotion of John slipping through their bond.
John’s face was composed; he raised an eyebrow.
“And? It seemed like you didn’t mind. And why should I share my feelings with you? …with a stranger.”
That definitely hurt Bucky.
And the worst part was that it was true.
They were nothing.
Even when John avoided Bucky. Bucky never tried to get to know John.
Still.
“Then let’s talk. Let’s get to know each other, not as the US Agent or the Winter Soldier, but as Jonathan Walker and James Barnes.”
John widened his eyes.
Then he shook his head.
“No, there is no need for that.”
Bucky frowned.
He stepped until he was a few centimetres away from John.
“What does that mean? Don’t you get it? I feel like shit knowing I am being blocked away.”
Hurt, sorry.
Another slip.
“Isn’t that better than me dragging you down? I’m already a burden as a person; I don’t want to be a burden as a soulmate.”
Burden?
Was it all of this because of that?
What made John think he was a burden in any way?
“I don’t care if you are not the perfect soulmate; I am not perfect myself.”
“But you already have enough on your plate.”
“John… Just fucking let it go. Let me in. I don’t care how broken you and I are; I want to know you. Let me, before it’s too late for us.”
John’s gaze turned away.
That was enough to break through John’s walls.
Bucky had to take a step back.
All of John’s emotions hit him like a tidal wave.
Heat, fear, shame, and guilt flooded over him in a rush.
Bucky could feel a weight in his throat, as if John’s words were dying before even forming.
Years of buried emotions were flowing.
Even when they all had different beginnings, there was one reason as to why John kept it all away.
Soulmate.
Bucky.
He tried to carry this alone so I wouldn’t have to.
When Bucky finally looked back at John, he was surprised.
John was crying.
Tears were running down his face.
A small shiver was running through his body.
Bucky closed their distance.
Arm wrapping John.
“I’m sorry you carried it all alone.”
John felt small in his arms.
“Sorry, but it will be alright. I am here, and you will not get to carry things alone anymore. That’s the whole point of soulmates.”