Archive of Our Own

寒山 ： Drowning Lessons (A xxxHolic/J-Rock crossover)
Pairing: Tora/Saga, Shou/Uruha, Hiroto/Iv
Pairing for Current Installment: Tora/Saga
Rating: Gen
Summary:
He forgot of the dark shadows lurking in deserted places, and the glittering, shimmering beings blessing him with their lights. He forgot what was so special about himself.

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything including the story idea. I also don’t own xxxHolic. That’s all CLAMP’s.

Title is read as ‘kanzan’.

‘You’re a special child, Tora.’

That was what his grandfather said when he asked why he could see that mask in the night sky.

‘That’s the spirit of ill tidings.’

(‘Tidings?’ Tora asked.

‘“Tidings” means “news”.’ His granddad answered)

‘It’s there so we humans can be careful for something dangerous to come. You saw it on TV, right? They said a storm is coming.’

Tora nodded.

‘We’re lucky here because Tora can see the warning, and we can prepare to board the windows like this.’ His granddad knocked at the panels the other monks had nailed around the monastery. ‘Most people can’t, you know, so they’ll be unprepared for the terrible weather.’

Tora looked at the image of the Oni mask still projected in the sky.

‘Dad doesn’t really like it if I tell him stuff like this, though,’ he mused. The colors surrounding his Dad would darken when Tora mentioned something he couldn’t see. Usually that meant Dad would start talking in short, tense sentences that might turn into shouts. And when that happened, the colors surrounding his baby brother would turn grey before he’d start crying.

It’s a lot easier just to not to mention these things at home.

Here in at his granddad’s temple though, where the air smelled sweeter than Tokyo’s and he could see guardian fays in everything from the lake to the huge trees on the side of the Azami mountain, Tora could be submerged in his curiosity. He could tell his granddad anything about any weird creature and his granddad would smile and pat him on the head. They visited the Karasu-tengu in the mountain almost every day, because he owed granddad something neither of them were willing to say; and in return, he made sure all the creatures there were nice to the priests in at granddad’s temple. And of course, none of them are allowed to scare Tora.

But Tora didn’t actually mind the scarier ones here, because if he carried granddad’s omamori with him, none of them would come close.

Also, it made his chest puff with pride every time granddad called him ‘his brave little boy’. The Karasu-tengu called him ‘little priest’ and told him to come back when he’s older and be like his granddad.

Granddad would usually laugh at that, clearly pleased, but his hands were gentle on Tora’s hair when he said he could be whatever he wanted to be and he’ll always be proud of his special child.

Tora liked making his granddad proud.

Maybe this is what being brave is about, Tora thought. Maybe it isn’t just about not crying when seeing the constantly smiling little girl in the storage room, with her bloodied dress and the large gaping wound on her head. Because this boy (a real human one) crouching in the corner of the temple’s side court was crying now. He looked like he’s younger than Tora and his mind said ‘maybe you should be brave for him too.’ So Tora took a couple of deep breaths and stepped closer to the boy doubled over, seemingly wanting to make himself into the smallest ball possible. He wondered if the kid saw the kappa near the river and that that’s what scared him.

‘Are you okay?’

The boy stopped crying immediately, sniffling into the collar of his shirt. He looked a lot like Tora did when Tora would try to pretend that he wasn’t crying. He continued to remain silent and didn’t answer Tora’s.

‘Are you lost?’ Tora tried again. Maybe if he asked one of the monks they’ll know who his mom and dad are. The boy shook his head at him.

‘No,’ He mumbled softly. ‘'m here with mom and dad.’

‘Then—’

‘Tora.’

His granddad was standing by the side door looking out at the two boys.

‘Yes granddad?’

The old man motioned for him to come inside. But what about the crying boy? When he turned, the boy was glancing at his granddad carefully like he didn’t want to get caught staring.

‘That’s my granddad,’ Tora gestured proudly. ‘He knows everything, and he can cure people, too.’ And that’s when it clicked in his head. Maybe the boy was sick? There are a lot of sick people coming to the temple so his granddad can bless them.

Maybe that was the problem?

Crouching right next to the boy so he could catch his gaze, Tora said with conviction. ‘If you’re here to be cured, you got nothing to worry. Granddad will cure you.’

The boy still stayed silent, but he took Tora’s proffered hand and didn’t refuse as Tora took them both of them back inside the temple.

‘Was that boy sick, granddad?’ Tora asked as he saw watched the family of three climbed down the temple’s entrance.

‘Hm?’ His granddad looked distracted. And a bit sad, actually, when he said ‘I don’t really think so, but his parents are convinced he was.’

‘Did you fix him?’

Granddad smiled. ‘When you try to fix something that isn’t broken, Tora, you just have to pray you don’t end up breaking it anyway.’

Tora didn’t really understand what that meant, but he’s convinced his granddad was sad now. His colours were turning grayish and some times, some people would start crying as that colour continue to deepen. Tora would hate to see that colour on his granddad, so he walked over and hugged the old man’s waist.

He felt a warm hand patting his head and he tightened his hug.

‘Father, I’ve seen how you helped that boy from yesterday. He clearly was very terrified.’

‘That child was… he was only able to see but has very little protection for his own person. I’ve told his parents they could just train him to repel darker energy.’

‘And did his parents say yes?’

‘No, they wanted me to seal his Eyes altogether.’

‘That’s what any parents would do, and if you’d do it for some other child, why not do it for Tora? There are times when he would spend days hiding in his room, afraid of shadows.’

‘But Tora he… he’s a sensitive child. He Sees and Senses more things than you can imagine, it’s the kind of connection with the spiritual world that you’d rarely see. He’ll lose so much if—’

‘I don’t think losing the ability to see scary things is much of a lost for Tora. I never knew what to do when he got frightened. I’d tell him it’ll be okay but that felt like a lie. How can I know he’ll be fine? …How can I protect him from things I can’t even see?’

‘Look at those shining things, granddad,’

‘Those are spirits that guide these mountain streams, so that we humans can’t destroy these them so easily. Pretty, aren’t they?’

‘Un.’

‘Father…’

‘I understand. I’ll seal his Eyes.’

‘You’ll always be special, child, you should know that.’

Was what Tora’s grandfather said before he covered Tora’s eyes with the palm of his gentle hand. He’d lost consciousness after that, and when he woke up he remembered very little of the summers spent listening to his grandfather telling him stories of the other worlds.

He forgot of the dark shadows lurking in deserted places, and the glittering, shimmering beings blessing him with their lights. At the end of that summer, he forgot what was so special about himself.

That morning, he woke up with his head throbbing and his eyes prickling. Definitely not a good way to start the day.

Aw hell, he thought, he fell asleep with his contacts on. That explained the rawness of his eyes. He dragged himself to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, wincing at the coldness though it helped with the headache.

He paused in the middle of brushing his teeth and digging his sketch book and finding a clean shirt. He dreamed of his granddad last night. He remembered slivers of sweet-scented summer days and the coolness of stone floors. That’s always the reason for this these kind of headaches anyway.

By the time he was finished with half of Studio, he was ready to stab his charcoal pen into his skull. Which was ridiculous because while the theoretical classes might bore him, Studio was the one place where he could shed out emotions—mostly other people’s— clinging to his skin like the smell of putrid things.

After a whole day of being everybody’s emotional garbage (picking up self-hatred from that guy or heartbreak from that girl when his defense lowered a bit), standing in front of the canvas and vent always felt cathartic.

But today he couldn’t even look at the whiteness of his canvas without wincing.

He needed to soak in some purified water. Preferably now. When he glanced at his watch though he knew he still had one more hour of Studio before two hours of lighting and composition class.

His head made a satisfying thud as it made contact against the table.

It was close to four hours later when Tora could finally be submerged in the purified water. He could feel his muscles relaxing and the headache—like smoke clouding in his head—evaporated. When he came out after a good soak, he could hear voices in one of the rooms and as he looked inside, he saw Shou sitting next to Saga, who was looking in all the world like the priest he once was years ago.

‘Hey Tora, come join us. We’re training Saga-kun’s energy level.’

Skin still flushed from his bath, Tora took a seat beside the brunet. A little meditation never hurt him.

They had established that Saga’s energy level was so low that he has practically no defense against the spirits and the ghouls that love to latch on to him. It’s curious that somebody with such low spiritual energy can attract that kind of attention from those creatures, but the most important thing is to help Saga build a defense. And they can’t do it without the old-fashioned training.

They’ve been doing this for a little over a month now and Tora can see that Saga’s energy level was still going nowhere. He still got swarmed by stray ghouls everywhere so much that Tora would sometimes accompany the guy home just so that the bad karma surrounding those creatures won’t fall onto him. If they walked together close enough and Tora started projecting, the things would start avoiding them. They found Tora’s defense to be off-putting, which is fine by him.

‘There’s something blocking his energy flow,’ Shou said one day. ‘He’s making progress, but not by much.’

‘There’s something like a blockage in his head, too. I couldn’t get through to him. You’d thought it’d be easy, right?’

Shou looked at him with deceptively curious eyes that say ‘why would you want to get in his head?’ There’s a hint of a smile in his mouth and Tora wasn’t sure he likes it.

‘Stop that. I was just trying to see what’s wrong with him. Besides, he broke another charm today.’

‘How many has he broken through so far?’

‘I lost count at the nineteenth omamori pouch. And five of Uruha’s amulet bells.’

Shou chuckled.

‘I’m glad you find this funny, but some of the pouches would catch fire almost as soon as he leaves the front yard, and rarely one of them survived a the whole night, he said. That’s how bad the energy surrounding him is.’ Tora explained, a frown marring his brow. Shou knew Tora’s altruistic soul –which he’d rather die than admit to posses— meant failing to help Saga would be a personal affront to him, and it seemed like his protective side has shown itself. Tora will always be a fascinating human to him

‘Which makes his complete lack of sight all the more curious, don’t you think?’

Tora spared him a glance. ‘Have you thought of something?’

The wizard shrugged, and Tora knew he wasn’t going to get anything more from him at that moment.

‘Maybe he should try getting sick. Didn’t that worked for you?’

‘I dunno, d’you think he knew my grandfather?’ Tora rolled his eyes.

Shou laughed at that and asked him to accompany Saga to do some errands.

‘The exposure to the spiritual world will do him good,’ the wizard said, ‘besides, he’s much safer with you than if he were to be alone.

Tora rolled his eyes.

When he was fifteen, Tora came returned from a school trip with an alarming fever. His class had gone to a temple in Nara, and when Tora tried to touch the brass bell in front of the temple like all his other classmates did, something threw his body across the courtyard and he lost consciousness.

His homeroom teacher and a couple of his classmates had carried him to their bus and then to the hospital. The doctor said all his wounds were extraneous and that there wasn’t anything serious with him. But they couldn’t explain why his body wasn’t responding to the medicine.

He was still burning with a fever when they sent him home and he spent days in half-consciousness and in delirium. And the only thing clear on in his head at that time was the face of his grandfather.

When his mother came to check up on him, he noticed how she was bathed in yellow light. He wasn’t sure what that was, but chalked it up as the product of his fevered mind.

His fever subsided after a whole week being bedridden, but the colours he saw surrounding people stayed.

After a few days, he started hearing things in his head (alien things, things that never crossed his mind before). It took him a while to realize he’s actually hearing other people’s thoughts. They’re all loud and disconcerting, with a vulgarity in their honesty because they aren’t really meant to be heard by anybody else. But Tora heard them anyway.

Crowds of people are high seas of thoughts, all clamouring to climb into his skull. It went on for years that looking back now, Tora was sometimes amazed that he managed to come out of high school—and the beginning of university, really—alive. Because sometime it got so bad that Tora wanted so much to bash his head open to stop any thoughts from coming in. In his nightmares, he’d split his head open and he’d still hear people’s thoughts in his cracked skull. The grey matter seeping out of his head still receiving them loud and clear.

On those nights, he’d often wake up drenched in cold sweat, with his heart pounding so hard it’d feel like his heart was going to burst right out of his chest.

One of those nights however, ended differently. The usual sea of overwhelming colours and thought patterns that would generally engulf him and make him sick was missing. Instead, there was just blackness. It was a strange kind of blackness, Tora felt safe within it. As he looked down and around him, he noticed that his surroundings were all of washed-out colours. There was a peculiar white outer-lining encompassing everything, which included his very own body.

What is this thing?

‘It’s the residue of the Seal I put on you.’

Tora spun around to see the source of the sudden voice.

There stood in front of him was… himself? No, there were differences in their appearance, though they look like splitting images of each other. Even ignoring the man’s short hair, he—whoever he was—has Tora’s face though it lacks his frown line, and the way he carried himself said he’s very much content with his existence in the world. And someone like Tora, who walked around looking like he shouldered the entire world, never had such composure in his stance.

The man smiled and a flash of a dimple on his left cheek made Tora paused. ‘…granddad?’

When he smiled even wider, and a familiar chuckle floated to in the air, Tora knew he was right.

The man, looking openly glad to see him, walked closer and gathered his grandson into his arms. He smelled exactly like Tora remembered: of Cedar trees and old sūtras. He just wished he’d remembered more, but the fog surrounding his mind when he tried to think of his granddad and his childhood spent in the shrine won’t lift off.

‘Don’t you worry, it will disappear completely, so long as your Seeing eyes are back.’

‘So you were the one that took it away? The things I saw and sense, did you take them away?’

His granddad shook his head. ‘Not taking, child, I simply sealed them away but they’re still within you.’

‘But why are all the memories too, I— granddad, I barely remember you—!’

His granddad looked sad now, and Tora wished he wouldn’t be. He didn’t have to ask but he needed to know.

‘You associated a lot of your ability with the temple and I, child. When I put away your Seeing eyes, the memories, that of your childhood, went away with them. I’m so sorry.’

Tora looked at him, dejected. There must be more to this than what granddad was willing to say. But the strongest emotion he was able to read off of his granddad was regret.

It wasn’t an emotion that suited his granddad well.

‘Please don’t be like that. I know it wasn’t your fault.’ He nearly pleaded. His granddad smiled sadly at that.

‘I know what might help, child, if you’ll let me—?’ he had an arm stretched towards Tora’s brow. Tora nodded, and when his granddad’s palm contacted against his skin he saw flashes of images, and at the forefront of them was a shop with imposing red gates.

Later that day, when he found his feet stumbling over vaguely familiar streets and stopping in front of those exact red gates, Tora wasn’t even surprised.

The young man Tora saw hanging around their front gate had an aura filled with uncertainty, so Tora waited a few minutes to make sure he really was looking at the shop before inviting him inside. Shou stayed silent when he brought the man (‘You can call me Masato,’ he said in a soft voice) to the tearoom, so Tora was the one who urged him to speak out.

‘It’s my little sister,’ Masato finally said. ‘She’s always been sickly, but these days she’s been falling asleep everywhere. I worry about her.’

‘Isn’t that some kind of sickness?’ Tora asked.

‘Yes, but sometimes, she’ll be so normal one moment and the next she’ll be all sickly again. Doctors can’t seem to help much.’ He turned to Shou now. ‘If it is true that you can grant anything, could you please cure my sister?’

Shou’s face remained impassive for a few moments, so much that Tora wanted to ask him what’s wrong.

‘Where is your little sister now?’ he finally asked some tense minutes later.

Surprised at the sudden question, Masato answered, ‘She should still be at her school.’

‘I see.’ He turned his head over and called out, ‘Ko-ki? Iv? Can you find me the white incense box?’

‘Oka~y!’ the twins hollered out from somewhere inside the house. They skipped into the room a few minutes later carrying a wooden box wrapped in white cloth. ‘This one, Shou-chan?’ Ko-ki asked. The wizard smiled at them.

‘The very one. Thank you, boys,’

He took the box from Ko-ki’s hand and pulled a handful of incense sticks. He wrapped a smaller piece of cloth around the sticks and gave them to Tora.

‘This would help with the little girl, if you’re to burn this near her.’

‘Really?’ Masato asked in relief.

And that’s how Tora found himself about to leave the shop with the customer, the incense secure in his hands, when Saga walked through the front gates. Shou turned around from the thoughtful look on his face as he saw the brunet walked in.

‘Ah, Saga-kun. What coincidence. Would you mind running another errand with Tora? I’m sure you’ll be fine with Tora there.’

Saga looked up at that, and it was tantamount to how much things around here just don’t faze him anymore that he only shrugged and said ‘sure.’

‘Where are we going?’ Saga asked after they left the shop.

‘I’m not sure,’ Tora answered, looking at Masato for a clue. The man smiled softly.

‘Ruri’s elementary school is in the neighbourhood, just around the block.’

Tora nodded and followed the man in silence.

When they got there, Saga paused at the gate for a while, looking as though he was wondering whether or not the school’s staffers would kick out strangers like themselves. Truth be told, Tora wondering about the same thing, but Shou did said that he’d took of everything. And usually when he said he’s taken care of everything, those included all the little details like teachers giving them grief over entering the building.

Seeing the glassy eyes of a passing teacher, who answered on the whereabouts of Hayakawa Ruri with a monotone voice, Tora knew this had Shou’s doing written all over it too.

The three of them were pointed towards the nurse’s room at the end of the corridor. Inside it, they found a pale little girl lying on the cot. She looked to be sleeping, but her breath was too shallow for that of a healthy girl.

‘Is she sick?’ Saga asked as Masato hurried over to sit beside his sister. He was already busy fussing over her so it was Tora who nodded at the brunet.

‘Quick, the incense,’ Masato said. Complying, Tora unwrapped the white cloth in his hand and drew out the sticks. He fished out the lighter from the back pocket of his jeans to light the sticks on, before blowing on them to let the embers smouldered slowly.

With the white smoke suffusing through the air, Tora saw how little by little colour returning to the sleeping child’s cheeks, and Masato breathed a sigh of relief.

‘I think it’s working,’ he said, before he started coughing. ‘Sorry. The smoke smells a bit too sharp for my liking. But if it’s good for Ruri, then I’m glad,’ he smiled at Tora. ‘How should I pay the shop owner back?’

‘That’s between you and Shou,’ Tora answered. From behind him, he heard Saga going ‘Huh?’

‘At least thank him first for me then, she’s been unwell for so long, and I’m the only one she has, so…’

The little girl shifted a bit in her sleep—and it really looked like she’s sleeping normally now— so Tora took his leave.

‘We should go,’

Masato waved at him as Tora and Saga exited the room.

‘So what’s wrong with that girl?’ Was the first thing out of Saga’s mouth as they walked out of the school yard.

‘You heard him, right? Said she’d been sickly since birth. It looks like he’s the only one taking care of her.’

Saga was looking at him a bit weirdly now, which wasn’t something Tora expected.

‘Uh… who’s he?’

Now it was Tora’s turn to stare at him, incredulous ‘What do you mean? Masato. We followed him from the shop to see what we can do for his sister?’

‘No we didn’t. I followed you from the shop and we met that Ruri kid at that school. There wasn’t anybody else.’

It took a while for Saga’s words to register but when it did, the colour drained from Tora’s face. Suddenly, everything from Shou’s words to the incense Tora burned and the little girl’s condition made sense. Quickly, he turned around and ran back towards the school.

Of course, of course, he should have been be more careful than that. Shou never did anything meaningless and the fact that he specifically gave Tora the purification incense could only meant that there was something around her that needed purifying. It was probably the reason for her health. The fact that he left her there with a ghost even though it was that of her brother’s was still…

When he burst into the room and saw the worst case scenario shaping before his eyes. The girl was no more. Tora couldn’t Sense her anywhere. What remained inside the small body now launching itself towards Tora was Masato’s spirit, and not that of the girl’s. Tora felt absolutely helpless when the little girl’s fingers wrapped around his neck, with more power than a little girl should possess.

Masato used her voice to hiss out how it was unfair to cleanse him away, how the sneaky, sneaky wizard was taking what’s left of the girl’s family away from her.

‘You are feeding her energy away,’ Tora managed to croak out. ‘Sooner or later it’ll kill her.’

The girl’s eyes flashed in anger at those words, and the whole room shook.

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw the medicine cabinet shaking behind Saga’s standing form, glasses reverberating looking like it might topple over at any minute and then falling over all three of them, including Ruri’s body. Gritting his teeth, he grabbed a hold of the child’s body and with his other hand pulled Saga away from the glass cabinet in time right before it collapsed to the ground, sending shards of broken bottles everywhere. He winced as some of them landed very close to his head.

Checking to see that both Saga and Ruri were unharmed, he took advantage of Masato’s stunned state to build a barrier surrounding the child.

Noticing too late his trapped state, Masato snarled again at him, but Tora was already sick of this. To think he’d went as far as possessing her. ‘Saga, the incense?’

The brunet looked around before noticing they were scattered on the floor, snapped. He gathered as much as he can, and watched as Tora painstakingly lit them all one by one and feeding the sticks into the barrier holding Masato’s spirit.

This time, they didn’t leave until after the whole thing burned out.

‘I wonder if she’ll be okay…’ Saga trailed off, looking back at the school and the child who had fully woken up after a few moments later, dazed but feeling better than she’d felt in a while, she said. When Tora carefully asked her of her brother, she smiled sadly and answered he’s in the heavens now. He got really sick a year ago and he’s now in a better place.

‘Is oniisan Masato-niichan’s friend?’ she’d asked, and Tora could only nod.

Tora followed his gaze to the room at the corner of the first floor. ‘She’ll do better now that the past isn’t with her anymore. I hope so anyway.’

Saga looked at him in silence but Tora wasn’t expecting the words coming out of his mouth after that. ‘Your dreads are ruined,’ he pointed.

He’s right. Shards of glasses were embedded deeply on them, and they smelled like unholy things after being so close to a vengeful spirit. Tora sighed.

‘Yeah. I’ll have to have them cut now, I guess.’

‘Hmm. Pity,’ the brunet said. Tora looked at him, puzzled, but he didn’t offer more explanation.

Uruha was home when they arrived back at to the shop, physically and mentally exhausted. His eyes softened when he saw the state they’re in and offered them to take a bath and rest. Tora told him how he should probably go and get his hair cut first. Smiling, Uruha beckoned him to come closer. He’ll cut it for Tora, he said, saying how his hair being disposed off in unknown places might bring bad luck.

‘People can curse you with just a piece of hair, after all.’

Acknowledging his point, Tora sat in front of the wizard as he called for Ko-ki and Iv to bring a pair of scissors. It’s not like he needed his haircut to be in trend or anything.

Saga stood up—mumbling a nice long bath would be wonderful, actually, thanks— and disappeared behind the door leading to the bath.

Uruha made short work of most of Tora’s unsalvageable hair and cropped the rest short, letting the bangs stayed long as they usually were, sweeping the side of his face.

‘Okay, now you look dashing,’ Uruha smiled as he finished the last few clips. Tora chuckled.

‘Don’t let Shou hear you say that.’

Laughing, Uruha shooed him out of the room. ‘You’re a hundred years too early to tease, youngling,’

He chuckled again as he made his way to the kitchen. ‘I’ll prepare us something. I’m starving,’ Tora called out from the corridor.

‘Thank you,’ the wizard replied.

When Saga stepped out of the bath, he found Uruha still sitting on the tatami floor in the ima, the long coat of his uchikake fanning out around him. He motioned for Saga to come closer and as he did so the wizard took hold of his hand and fastened a woven bracelet around his wrist.

‘What’s this?’ Saga plucked at the bracelet, curious.

‘It’s wise for you not to take it off. I weaved that from Tora’s hair, since his energy seemed to be compatible to yours. I’d like to think that this kind of protection might work for you.

‘You don’t think it’ll just break off like all the other charms?’

‘I’m very sure it won’t. Can’t have you destroying more prayer bells now can we?’ the wizard smiled, and really, you can’t ask more than a guarantee from the dimension wizard himself, can you?

When Tora came back from the kitchen, Uruha tied a similar bracelet around his wrist.

Tora stared at it.

‘I don’t think I need extra protection,’ he said, puzzled.

Uruha smiled serenely. ‘You can never be too careful.’

There’s something suspicious about Uruha’s smile and in retrospect Tora knew he should’ve taken more issues with it.

It was a testament of how exhausted he was that he didn’t said say a single word back then.

Continue to Part 5b