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I really do prefer staying in my hive in front of my stupid pc, working on code and ripping my hair out because of some dumb mistakes I've made on those stupid codes. Sometimes I take a quick break from all this stuff, go outside on the roof a bit, to breathe. The air quality isn't the best but it's enough to make me smell something other than my uncleaned room. I never have time to clean it. Well- I do. But I'm too focused on my computer. And fucking lazy, yeah, sure, whatever.
From time to time I bring food up there, to just sit down, eat a bit, and look at the pretty sky. Night sky is the best sky. All those stars are so pretty, some of them shine brighter than others, like they're dancing around each other... It happens once or twice that I fell asleep up there, I regretted it right as the sun appeared- that bitch be trying to kill me I fucking swear.
The sky is pretty tonight.
Looking at the empty void that is the sky made me realize how alone we are. It always does. I'm not a positive guy. I'm pretty gloomy. We're all doomed anyway. What's the point? I don't spend a lot of time with anyone, I just realized that... I mean, I talk to them- sure... Like KK — I talk to him way to fucking much jegus — or FF or AA, but I don't talk that much to anyone else... I have my little group. Oh and ED. He's the one always wanting to talk to me. He's annoying, so I never really answer. I mean- I do answer him, but only to amuse myself. That idiot wants a black romance so bad, he's so desperate, it's actually so funny to mess with him.
...
But I guess I worry about him too...
Not in THAT kind of way. Weirdo. More like- what if... What if that idiot actually ends up bad? He is pretty naive when it comes to relations, since he is so desperate. Oh, sure, mister will act like he knows what he's doing and like he knows everything and he cannot be fouled, but trust me... He fucking does. He can be so stubborn and stupid sometimes that he doesn't see the danger he is putting himself in. Okay, yeah, he's tough! Like- he can take a pretty big hit due to the fact he is a fucking sea dweller, yeah thicker skin and all, whatever- But that dumbass... I'm sure- fuck. I'm sure he is willing to hurt himself just to please someone else if this person threatens to leave him. I'm just sure of it. I mean- he can easily hide his emotions at the beginning — like he did when FF wanted to stop their relationship — but he will crack.
He will.
I just know it. I know him at least a tiny bit. Since mister keeps talking to me even though I told him to stop- he never learns!
He never learns...
One day, that will bring him to his demise.
I don't want to be here when that day comes... How would I even react to his death?
Sad? Happy? Unfazed? In disbelief? Afraid? Concerned?
I wouldn't know... I can't even imagine that happening. To him or anyone else. I've already lost Aradia, it's enough dead friends... I don't want any more than that.
I'm depressing- gosh... Let's go back inside for now. The fresh air was enough. I don't want to listen to those little voices and dark thoughts of everyone being dead in front of me. I don't even have the motivation to go on my computer again. Fuck it, let's go to sleep. Today was heavy enough with all that dumb coding and everything just bugging and all- I need sleep. Sweet sweet sleep will save me.
...
The sweat I had woken up into wasn't on my fucking bingo. Please don't let it be another boring day. Make something interesting but not bothering happened.
Nothing happened. Like the whole day nothing happened. I talk a bit with KK about some stuff, and for some reason he yapped about this stupid ass romantic movie he loves so much, I will never understand those horrible tastes. I kept yawning all day because of that horrible night I spent. I don't even know how I actually slept... Those... Ideas my brain gave me... They weren't fun at all. I don't ever want to see them again. Never in my entire life.
Some fresh air was needed after thinking about that night. I went to the roof and looked at the horizon. The sun was gonna start setting down to let the night shine with a thousand stars... I love the night sky. It's my little peaceful time up there. I really like it.
The peace got ruined pretty fast as I saw a familiar ship coming near my zone. "Oh hell nah." Why- OUT OF ALL TIME- NOW?! Eridan fucking Ampora just casually setting his stupid ass flying boat near my hive. Fuck, I didn't want that. I didn't want to see him today. Not after those horrible visions I had- I didn't want to see anyone after those! He landed in a catastrophe in front of me, which made me worried a bit. Ed is always making sure his appearance, even brief, is perfect and shows how rich and royal he is. But right now... He looks like a mess...
"what do you want ed?"
I could hear him sniffle before looking at me with some tears at the corner of his eyes. Oh wow- I've never seen him so weak...
"i- i don't knoww wwho to talk to and-" He let out a sob. "you crossed my mind for no reason- and- I knoww its fuckin dumb but i- i really need someone right noww sol..."
Dude- I've never EVER seen him like that. My brain is just loading the information that my eyes are transmitting right now. He is not okay at all. I patted the ground next to me to signal him to sit down here. Which he did. I was so dumb founded to see him in such a state that my thinking just... Froze up. What was I looking at? What am I supposed to do? Why me?!
"why diidnt you go 2ee ff?"
He cried some more. "i just dont knoww... i wwasnt thinking and my head told me to go here- and- and i just followwed..."
My hand hesitated to go against his back to reassure him, but in the end I didn't even dare to touch him. It would make things awkward. "why go two me?"
"i. dont. knoww. sol! i dont fuckin knoww!" He closes himself up by bringing his knees to chest, letting his cape create a sort of protection around him. "you crossed my mind instantly. im sorry okay? i dont evven wwant to be here."
He hid his face against his knees and arms to cry some more. That's... Pathetic isn't the word, even though it describes him most of the time. It's just sad. Yeah. Sad. To look at him like that, just crying his eyes out next to me while I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with him, it's just sad. I let him cry a bit longer, in utter silence, which was killing me.
"what happened?"
He sniffled, raising his head from his little cove of protection. "evverything wwas going wwell, my day wwas good and- out of nowwhere, my head tricked me and made me think horrible horrible things and I hated it- and- fef added to my horrible state by saying that she didnt wwant to talk to me for a wwhile- I DONT EVVEN KNOWW WWHY!! and wwhen I tried to contact anyone, really anyone, no one wwould answwer, like i wwas invvisible or- or dead. i hated it! i hated it sol! i dont wwant to be left alone- i- i wwant to be important to at least one person- but i could die that no one wwould give a shit! im not evven wwanted, like- nobody cares, nobody wworries, nobody wwill evver go look for me if I disappear one day. i mean nothing. and-" He took a deep breath. "im starting to hate myself more and more as time goes on, and i hate that idea, but im just startin to understand evveryone i guess? just... hating on good'ol... eridan... im such a piece of shit."
Wow. That was a lot to take in. And I'm supposed to answer something here? Really? What am I even supposed to say? <
>? He went to the worst person ever for that, even KK would be better at it than me... WHO AM I KIDDING HE DEFINITELY WOULD!!! Ampora you're such a dumbass- why come to the pessimist 'we're all gonna die' guy?! What's your idea? To actually kill yourself? You moron!
Let's... Breathe. In. And out. "ed, iim clearly not the be2t at comfortiing people, you know that riight?" He just nodded while passing his sleeve on his eyes to wipe the tears. "2o iim goiing two be hone2t wiith you. youre fuckiing annoyiing, ii extremely hate how you 2trut around talkiing about how much youre royalty and riich and more bulshiit liike that, ii hate a lot of 2tuff about you diip2hiit." His eyes were searching for what point I was making. "but." His eyes lit up. "ii tolerate your kii2me22iitude agaiin2t me. ii al2o tolerate beiing around you iin general. your company, 2ome tiimes, can be tolerated." He sniffled, looking at me with lost eyes. "and-" I bit my lips. "how do ii 2ay thii2... ii... kiinda... care about you. weiirdly enough..."
He was baffled to learn that, and I would be too if I were in his shoes right now. He still has some tears running down his cheeks but his crying has stopped for now.
"liike... for example, ii diid an horriible niightmare ye2terday... that2 why iim actually 2oooo fuckiing tiired today." I snickered involuntarily. "anyway- 2o ii had an horriible niightmare about you beiing kiiled. but horiibly graphiic and viiolent and ii couldnt move or talk, ii could ju2t 2tare at you beggiing me two do somethiing, liike- you were 2creamiing at me two plea2e help you, plea2e do 2omethiing, plea2e iim bleediing, it hurt2, it hurt2 2ol- you were 2ayiing iit agaiin and agaiin and agaiin miixed wiith mon2trou2 2cream2 and your blood wa2 everywhere, and iit wa2 on my hand2 and iive never hated purple 2o fuckiing much becau2e that meant that you were dead. you were fuckiing dead iin front of me. and the moment ii could fiinally move, ii wa2 tryiing two put everythiing back, liike two bring you back iin a weiird way- becau2e that's defiiniitely not how iit fuckiing work2- but ii wa2 de2perate enough two try puttiing your blood back iin2iide you and your organs and- fuck- ii- ii hate that niightmare. and iim kiinda jus2t reliived two 2ee you riight now. iim 2orry about your 2tate riight now, iits no fun but- thank god youre okay."
I crashed down on the ground, letting my back hit the ground to sight deeply and hide my eyes that were getting watery. This fucker has been awfully quiet since I started talking. I wonder why... I lifted up my arm just enough to see him cry again. Wha- WHAT DID I DO?! Well... I kinda talked about dreaming of him being dead, in a very graphic way, I guess I was looking pretty distressed while saying all that stuff and I also kinda said that I was worried about him and I'm sure he is not used to that bit.
"ed, dont cry everythiing ii2 okay."
"i- im just... so happy to knoww that someone actually cares about me... i-... thank you sollux."
Full name drops aren't common for him, so it means that really touched him. I'm glad it's not sad tears falling this time I guess. "are you feeliing any better?"
"a tiny bit." He answered calming his cries. "youre really not great and comforting people."
"ii told you. KK would have done a better job, but you choo2ed two come here."
"i made the good choice. im feeling wway better noww."
He laid down next to me and silence followed. We just looked at the stars appearing little by little. The sun had time to set completely, going to sleep to let us enjoy this beautiful night show.
And the stars were maybe pretty tonight but I gotta admit, a weak ampora is prettier. It's nice to see him being natural for once. Being his true self. Vulnerable and anxious.
It's a really rare sight.
But the prettiest in my life so far.