Archive of Our Own ^beta

Cady always feels weird coming back to Evanston. When she'd first come here it had been so exciting, a chance at a normal life like she'd never had before. But now she's seen a whole different range of normal, and Evanston is kind of an unhappy medium. She loves being out away from society, in the forests and mountains where she goes for hikes, or camping, or just to go watch the wildlife. And she's learned to love it in the city, too, where there's always a thousand things going on, and interesting people and sights. Honestly, city people are also a form of wildlife. But here in Evanston, in the suburbs, it's quiet and curated. Suburb people aren't wildlife, they're just… there.

Most of them anyway.

Somehow, Cady always attracts the exceptions, though. That's why, when she's browsing a pop-up stall in the mall for ornaments, she hears a loud voice behind her yell, "Cady mother-freaking Heron!"

She spins to face the voice, and then she travels six years back in time because suddenly she's looking in the hazel eyes of a beautiful, blonde George girl. But then she notices all the little differences, and it jerks her back to the present, because despite the similarities, that is not Regina.

"Oh my god, Kylie?" she gasps.

"I knew it was you," Kylie says, a smug little smirk crossing her face, making her look even more like her sister. "Wow, you're like really here. I thought you died."

Cady blinks. "I died?"

"Yeah, you must have," Kylie says, "Because you were like my bestie and then suddenly I never heard from you again." She raises her eyebrows, fighting back a smile as she waits to see how Cady will respond to the jab.

She knows, of course, why Cady disappeared from her life. As much as Cady had enjoyed their little interactions when she was a regular in the George house, after everything came out with her and Regina and the whole revenge plot, it wasn't like she could stop by for one last chat with Kylie. But she clearly wants to turn the screws on Cady, so Cady plays along.

"I know, right, it was like I got hit by a bus."

Kylie gives an exaggerated sigh. "Unfortunately, it turns out that doesn't actually kill you." But then she grins again and crosses her arms. "But you're looking really good. Like especially for a corpse. What are you doing tonight?"

Cady hesitates, caught a bit off guard. There was a time she was completely used to the potent onslaught of a George girl's attention, but she's spent the last five years getting used to the increasingly minimal attention of her now-ex boyfriend, so it's a lot. "Not much, probably just hanging out and watching Christmas movies. Why?"

"There's this, like, big Christmas market thing I'm going to tonight, it's at the plaza, you can google it, whatever, I'm not a maps app. It's super lame. You should totally come."

Which is not, like, a great sales pitch, so Cady tilts her head curiously.

"My parents aren't going," Kylie explains, "but the rest of my family is."

Ah. That's the sales pitch. That's a much better sales pitch. Cady's not really sure Regina wants to see her, but Kylie seems extremely confident, and she's just about to the point of replying when someone calls, "Kylie, come on!" and Kylie glances over her shoulder.

"Do or don't, but if you don't go you suck," Kylie says, and then she's off with her friends.

She doesn't get any ornaments. She gets a cup of peppermint hot chocolate, instead, and she sits on a bench near the fountain and thinks. Well, it's where the fountain is the rest of the year. For Christmas, they drain it and put a giant Christmas tree there, so she sits and stares at the sparkly, colourful lights, and she sips her drink.

Her Christmas visit has been a little sparse this year. In previous years, Aaron's family would have all kinds of plans that he would bring her along to. It honestly didn't leave her much time to visit her mom, but Christmas wasn't that big a deal to them, so she hadn't made any noise about it. Now that they've broken up, she has all this extra time, so going to a market does sound fun.

And she really does want to see Regina, she's just not really sure she's allowed. They're fine, they're not still fighting. They were casually friendly in senior year. But they haven't even seen each other since graduation, and it feels like maybe that's on purpose, like maybe she lost Regina privileges around the third month of trying to ruin her life, or something. Maybe Kylie knows different, or maybe she just assumes, or maybe she's trying to use Cady to torment her big sister. All of those seem possible.

The soothing taste of peppermint and chocolate takes the edge off of her anxiety about the whole thing, though, and her eyes fall to the base of the tree, to the spot where she once watched Taylor Wedell get an unexpected phone call. In spite of her better nature, she smiles. Back then, watching Regina work had been life-changing. Equal parts scary and enthralling, like the first time she saw a lion make a kill.

It's not at all the same when she sees the lions at the zoo, but there is still something primally thrilling about it. Maybe Regina George at the Christmas market will feel the same way. Not like going home, but a little reminder of why she'd loved it.

Anyway, it's Christmas, right? And Regina wouldn't be the type to go for all the sentimentality about it being the season of caring and forgiveness, but she totally would be the type to acknowledge a more mundane truth: that Christmas is the season of putting up with people you'd rather not. So maybe Cady can bank on that.

Parking is backed up along the streets forever, so it's a bit of a hike to get to the market and she hears it before she sees it. It's not even crowd noises, at first, it's the persistent blare of All I Want for Christmas is You over tinny loudspeakers. Then it's twinkling Christmas lights from the tree towering over the stalls, then the stalls themselves, and then finally crowds of rosy-faced market-goers grinning as they mill around.

She pauses at the edge of the crowd for a moment, tugging at the knit ends of her mittens as she stares. There are a lot of parts of normal life she's gotten used to, even good at, but crowds aren't one. She always feels like there's some implicit method to moving through a crowd that other people know and she doesn't, so she just gets buffeted around, or spends forever waiting for a gap to open. Normally, she avoids crowds entirely unless she has someone with her to help. But now she's here alone, and she feels so weird that she actually considers bailing entirely and getting in the car and going home.

Just when she's almost convinced herself, she feels a tap on her shoulder and turns to face a very broad chest before tilting her head back to meet the warm brown eyes of Shane Oman. "Yo!" he exclaims brightly, "no bread, no house, but we still got ginger! Cady Heron!"

Her nose scrunches, but she giggles in spite of herself. "Hi, Shane. Long time, no see."

"I know, right? Aaron keep you locked in a tower or something? Nah, I'm kidding, he's a bro. He here, too?"

When she winces a little, he notices, and his expression goes from warm to sympathetic. "My bad, we ain't gotta talk about him. Kylie told me to keep an eye out for you."

"Oh!" Cady squeaks. "She said I was coming?"

"She said she invited you," Shane answers, and then with a quick grin, "Just to me. C'mon, we're meeting over by the ice sculptures." Then he offers her his elbow, and Cady gratefully loops her arm around his and lets him drag her through the crowds.

It's so quick that Cady doesn't even really have time to swap from her crowd anxiety to her Regina anxiety, and then suddenly there's a giant ice reindeer in front of her, and beneath it two pink winter jackets filled with two George sisters. Kylie grins when she sees her coming, looking a little smug, Cady thinks. But Regina…

Regina does a double take when she sees Cady, a little puff of mist erupting from her mouth in the wake of what is clearly a gasp. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose are rosy from the cold, a pair of fuzzy white earmuffs hugging her head while letting her blonde waves hang loose. Her eyes scan Cady once, quickly, and then shoot over accusingly to Kylie, who is very deliberately not looking back.

"Cady!" Kylie calls. "You made it!"

"Well, you invited me," Cady replies, enunciating it without looking too much at Regina.

"Duh!" Kylie replies. "I ran into my long lost bestie, it's a Christmas freaking miracle." Then she scoots forward and wraps Cady in a big hug.

Shane shifts over next to Regina, who gives him a look, but once Kylie lets Cady go, Regina steps closer. "Merry Christmas, Cady," she says a little stiffly, and gives her a blink-and-you'll-miss-it hug.

"Merry Christmas," Cady replies, carefully letting her go. "It's been forever, you look great."

"I know, right?" Regina flashes her that classic Regina smile, all signs of awkwardness gone, and turns to Kylie. "Well, you're the reason we're here, so what the fuck are we doing?"

"Oh, I literally don't care," Kylie replies. "Christmas shit. Whatever's festive, I guess."

Irritation flares across Regina's face, but Shane swoops in before she can say anything. "Cady! You've totally got holiday spirit vibes. What's your pick?"

"Um, well, I was looking for ornaments earlier today?" she offers. "We could go look at the market stalls."

"Halls need decking," Shane says with a nod. "Let's gooo."

Shane leads the way, and Cady falls in close behind, so she doesn't get swept off in the crowd. But as they walk, she steals a glance over at Regina. She really is looking great, a little more grown up, but still completely put together, like she's chosen exactly where every hair will fall, and exactly how the cold will flush her cheeks and redden her nose. The angry, hurt, broken Regina from the end of junior year feels like a distant fiction, because how could Regina ever be anything less than flawless?

But then Regina glances over and catches her looking, and the warm smile on her face fades. Her eyes fall, and her brow knits just slightly. Then she's talking to Kylie and laughing again, and Cady's not really sure it even happened.

Part of her hopes it didn't, hopes that Regina doesn't think about her at all, except occasionally when she's telling a story about how crazy high school was. Then, this can just be a funny chance encounter, and they can catch up, and it'll be good for both of them. The rest of her is sure that it did, and that she's being selfish again, coming here to see Regina because she wants to even though Regina doesn't want her here.

There are so many stalls, and with the really popular ones, it's hard to even get close. A few times, Shane just has to describe what's there, and Cady hesitates, unsure if it's worth making everyone stand around for it. Eventually, she just decides to move on, feeling bad at making the others wait.

Each time she does, she can tell Regina's getting a little more annoyed. But it'd be worse to make her wait, so she just decides to tough through it. The third time it happens, though, Regina cuts in, "Cady, if you wanna look at them, I'll get you to the front." Her voice is sharp, and she doesn't quite look at Cady when she says it, but it does feel a little nostalgic, and it makes Cady smile.

"Yeah, okay," she says, "Sure."

Regina takes Cady by the upper arm and gets them past most of the crowd just by leading with her shoulder and giving withering looks to anyone who looks back at them, but eventually they're stuck behind two couples that are really taking their sweet time. For a second, Regina's eyes just flit between them, brows scrunching together in annoyance. But then Cady realizes she's listening in on them. Regina's gaze settles on the back of one of the guys' coats, on a logo that says EHL and has two sticks on it, and she smirks to herself a moment. Then she reaches out and grabs him by the arm.

"Oh my god, Greg, that is you!"

He turns and blinks at her, and the girl beside him shoots her a scowl, but Regina just pretends not to notice. "I'm so glad I ran into you!" she continues. "You never called after the other night. I must've written my number down wrong. God, I'm so stupid sometimes, and obviously I know you wouldn't just ghost me after how much fun we had."

His face pales. "You're— I think you're thinking of someone else, lady."

Regina gasps, very dramatic, and then covers her face. "Oh my god, you don't remember. The hockey league Christmas party? I came with Benny, but then we got talking, and— Never mind, you clearly don't wanna see each other again. Oh my god. Oh my god! I'm so sorry, this is so embarrassing."

"Benny?" he blinks. "Who's—" But by then the girl beside him is bolting off, and he turns to follow. "Wait, baby!"

With a quick, triumphant smirk, Regina pulls Cady into their place right up against the counter. Cady really does try to give her a chiding look, but she can't keep her grin from slipping through, so eventually she gives up and just starts looking at the ornaments while Regina smugly watches her.

Lions at the zoo, she thinks to herself as she feels the old thrill, the rush of being in the apex predator's pack. It makes her face hot in spite of the cold, and she has to remind herself that it's not the same as back then, and it's definitely not a chance to fix old mistakes. But that doesn't mean she can't enjoy how good it feels.

This is definitely the best ornament stall they've seen so far, a beautiful assortment of hand-blown glass ornaments, and Cady's a little overwhelmed by her options. They're expensive, too, so she doesn't want to make a bad choice. But when she starts hesitating, Regina leans in again. "What's your aesthetic?"

"Huh?"

"Your Christmas tree, Cady. What kind of ornaments do you have already?"

"Oh," Cady says, "kind of just whatever, like, we just have a bunch of ornaments that we've picked up places, or like, gifts and stuff. They don't really go together."

Her answer visibly pains Regina, who forces a smile and says, "Eclectic. So adorable." Then she looks back over the stall quickly and points. "That one," she says, loud enough for the shopkeeper to hear her. "She'll take it."

"I will?" Cady watches as the shopkeeper starts to box up the ornament, a beautiful orb of pink spun glass with little flecks of gold laced through it. "Why that one?"

Regina rolls her eyes and gives Cady a half smile. "Because, Cady, the point of an eclectic tree is that every ornament is a conversation starter. It tells a story."

"And what story is that?"

Then Regina's smile widens, all pearly teeth, and she says, "A present your old frenemy Regina got you."

Before Cady can even react, Regina's credit card's out and she's tapping at the payment terminal. "No," Cady protests, "You don't have to—"

"Too late." Regina tucks her card back away and takes the shopping bag with one fingertip, dropping it into Cady's hands and turning to walk off.

Cady blushes at the shopkeeper. "Thank you, happy holidays," she blurts, and then follows after Regina, trying desperately to not overthink the word 'frenemy.'

By the time she gets back to the group, Regina's chatting with Shane and very much not looking at her, so just follows behind them. Kylie shifts a little closer to her as they walk and tilts her head in Cady's direction. "Having fun?" she asks, voice low.

It's probably supposed to be a little teasing, but since junior year, Cady doesn't really play those kind of games. So instead she smiles, and says, "Yeah, I am. I still can't really tell if Regina is mad at me or not, though."

"Why would she be mad at you?"

Cady gives her a look.

Kylie rolls her eyes at it. "You had a whole 'nother year together after that, did you seriously not talk about it?"

"Not really."

"So talk about it," Kylie says, like it's that easy.

And sure, Cady's definitely willing to bring it up, it's just that right now Regina's walking with Shane (they're standing really close together, too, and Cady can't help but wonder if they're dating again) and it's not like she can just butt in and ask. "I'm not sure I'm gonna get a chance."

Which is the wrong thing to say, because Kylie just grins. "I can make a chance, it's no problem. Season of giving and everything, right?"

"I don't…"

Then Kylie bumps her with her shoulder. "I've got you."

That feels ominous, but before Cady can even really respond, Kylie's moved to walk ahead by Shane and seems to be inserting herself into their conversation. It takes about ten seconds before Regina's rolling her eyes and looking annoyed, but she stays where she is. Cady's not sure if she's relieved or disappointed.

Either way, she feels like a third wheel —a fourth wheel? But, like, a fourth wheel on a tricycle?— for a while, sinking into her feelings as they walk. She knows better than to read too much into Regina being nice to her. Regina George of all people is more than capable of acting friendly with someone she can't stand.

But just when she's convinced herself that that's what it is, Regina glances back, her lips tugging into a frown as she sees Cady trailing like a tagalong. Then Cady gives her a little wave, and Regina blinks in surprise and then grins as she gives a little wiggle of her mitten back, and it's one of those things that just makes her look so pretty it's hard to believe she's a real person.

It seems so sincere, even Regina can't be that good of a faker. Some part of her must be happy to see Cady.

Then reality comes crashing in, because Regina's foot slips and she stumbles a little. Reflexively, she looks down and then she's shrieking so loud and so long that it feels like half the market is staring at them. "Tell me I didn't just step in shit," she wails.

Shane follows her eyeline and winces. "So, do you want me to, like, lie to you?"

Cady looks too, and sure enough, there in the middle of the pathway is a little mound of still-steaming lumps with Regina's designer bootprint in them. "I think that's horse dung," she says, trying not to sound too excited in the face of Regina's anguish.

"No, no no no," Regina growls. "I fucking hate horses!"

Simultaneously, Shane grins, "Dude, I love horses!"

Cady decides to focus on Shane's answer, since it's not like Regina can get any madder right now. "It's fresh, too! And where there's the spoor, there's the animal!" She glances around excitedly in search of what will surely be the best part of this market, but the crowd is so thick and she's so short that she doesn't see anything.

But then Kylie says, "They're probably doing carriage rides," and Cady's jaw drops.

"Can we?" she gasps.

"Absolutely not," Regina hisses.

"Absolutely yes," Shane says.

"Tiebreaker goes to me, let's go take a carriage ride," Kylie concludes. "Shane, lead the way!"

Shane takes a moment to locate where the rides are starting from and then heads off, Kylie just behind.

Regina lingers, desperately trying to scrape her boot clean on a curb. Cady gives her an apologetic smile as she waits. "Why do you hate horses?"

"Seriously?" Regina asks, staring down at her boot. Then she storms off after Shane and Cady rushes to keep up. "They're big and they shit everywhere and they can kick you so hard you die."

"Most animals can hurt you if you provoke them."

"Well, I don't like most animals!" Regina crosses her arms and shakes her head. "Also, like, not provoking things isn't exactly my skillset, Cady. You should know."

That makes her frown, especially since Regina isn't looking at her, so she says, "Well, if the horses are like me, then they'll still really like you anyway."

Regina glances back, then, and Cady thinks for a moment that it's more than the cold making her cheeks flushed. Then she rolls her eyes. "God, you're a loser." Still, she's smiling as she turns back to focus on catching up with Shane. "Anyway, there's only one good thing about horses, and it's, like, the one thing you have in common with them."

"What's that?"

Then they've passed through enough of the crowd that they can see where the carriage stand is. There's an ornate wooden carriage waiting there, a man in a woolen coat and top hat sitting in the front holding the reins of a pair of gorgeous black horses with wavy, flowing manes.

Cady gasps as they get close, all else forgotten at the sight of the animals. "Friesians!" she exclaims.

The man grins down at her. "You know your horses!"

Which, like, duh, of course she does. When she'd found out they were moving to Illinois, she'd obviously researched all the animals currently native to the area. She could tell you all about beavers and bobcats and owls, too. And, sure, horses aren't really indigenous to Illinois, but they're one of the most common domesticated—

She's snapped out of her train of thought by Shane offering her a hand up into the carriage, which she gratefully accepts. But as soon as she's up, Kylie pulls Shane down into the seat next to her, which leaves Cady's only option to sit next to Regina.

The carriage seats are narrow, so when she sits, she finds herself pretty cozy against Regina, who's staring out the side of the carriage as it starts to move. Cady's not sure if she's still pissed about her boots, or horses in general, or if it's something else, but Shane and Kylie are talking quietly, so it's kind of just the two of them. There's a blanket, too, so Cady drapes it over the both of them, and Regina wiggles a little to help her get it situated, but all without looking back.

After a few moments, she nudges Regina's shoulder with hers and just asks, "Are you mad at me?"

Regina looks back, annoyed, before her expression softens and she says, "It's, like, not your fault, okay?"

"But you are mad at me?"

There's a moment of hesitation that feels like confirmation, and then Regina says, "It's not like I'm mad, it's…" She sighs, looking out of the carriage again and over the market lights. "This is, like, a weird trip home for me. And I just wish you weren't here."

Cady feels those words hit her in the pit of her stomach, and for a second she's speechless. Embarrassment floods through her, and she kind of resents Kylie for inviting her in the first place. "I can leave," she stammers quickly. "Like, as soon as the carriage ride is over, I'll go."

"No, Cady," Regina cuts in, looking back to her. She has the slightest frown on her face, but it's more focused than angry, and she says, "It's just, like, I didn't want to think about you on this trip, I guess. And now I am. But you don't have to go. Actually, don't go, there's literally no point in you going, because I'm gonna be thinking about you either way. It's just, it's stupid, okay?" She shakes her head and forces a smile. "Anyway, since you're here, I'm glad you are. It's good seeing you."

That feels like some kind of an admission, but Cady can't really tell of what. She searches Regina's face for answers, and Regina's looking back at her, and not for the first time, Cady just can't figure her out. "I'm sorry if I made a weird trip weirder."

Then Regina's smile turns more genuine, and she says, "Cady, you make everything weirder."

Well, she can't really argue with that. She laughs softly and says, "It's good seeing you, too. I've actually wanted to catch up for a while, but I wasn't sure you wanted to hear from me."

"I totally didn't," Regina admits easily. "But that might have something to do with me being a self-sabotaging psycho. If you wanna catch up after Christmas, we can."

"Cool," Cady breathes. It does sting a little to get the confirmation that Regina was avoiding her, but it's soothed by the thought that she want to see her, now. "We could get coffee or something? If you're still around?"

"Love that," she replies, but then for a moment her expression falls and she leans closer. "You're not gonna bring your boyfriend, though, are you? I mean, whatever, you can if you have to, but it's gonna be weird, and not fun weird, like, staring in the face of my worst mistake weird. Dating him, I mean, not breaking up with him. Breaking up with him was amazing."

Cady cringes. "No. Um, I actually also broke up with him."

"Wow," Regina says, a grin creeping across her face. "You just copy me all the time, don't you?"

It makes Cady laugh, and she lets some of the tension out and sinks more into her seat next to Regina. "I think our breakup was a little different. Although he did think I was cheating on him."

Regina gasps playfully. "And were you?"

"No, not even." Cady rolls her eyes. "It's kind of so dumb, it's—"

She stops for a moment, remembering the specifics of their break up that she maybe doesn't want to share with Regina. But she's already started, and Regina's staring at her expectantly, so she decides on a version of it that she can tell, just omitting a few details.

"Like a year and a half ago I realized I was bisexual, and I came out to, like, my parents and friends and Aaron, and he was totally cool about it. But then after a while, he started getting worried about my girl friends. Like any time Janis and I would hang out he'd be really tense about it no matter what I said. And eventually it was just, like, if you can't trust me, how can we even have a relationship, y'know?"

For a second, Regina just stares with a blank expression, and Cady worries that maybe she hasn't grown out of her homophobia like she'd kind of assumed she did. Then she shakes her head and laughs. "Oh my god, what an idiot. Like, if your girlfriend is bi, you should totally take that as a compliment. You could've been with literally anyone and you picked him." Then she shoulder nudges Cady and adds, "Which, like, get your head checked out for that decision, but whatever. We've both been gripped by madness that made us date Aaron."

"Well, hopefully we're both sane now."

Regina grins. "As sane as anyone who went to North Shore can be."

They fall into conversation as the carriage makes its course around the market. For all the Christmas sights, the lights and the decorations and the snow, Cady spends all her time either watching the horses merrily trotting along, or looking over at Regina, bundled up and huddled in close, telling her all about what Gretchen and Karen have been doing in classic half-enthusiastic half-bitchy Regina fashion. Cady knows she's barely listening, just grinning and watching her, mesmerized by all the ways she's just like Cady remembers and all the little ways that she's better. A little more mature, a little more sincere. A little more herself, almost.

Cady shares a bit about Janis and Damian, and Regina seems genuinely delighted to hear it, maybe not even maliciously. Then, they're a bit of a ways through talking about their college experiences when Regina asks the question Cady's been hoping she wouldn't. "So, what made you realize?"

"Realize what?" Cady asks, playing dumb.

"That you were into girls. Some cutie in anthro 255?"

And Cady, for all her good intent, panics and says the first thing that jumps into her head. "The Notebook."

Regina blinks. "The Ryan Gosling movie?"

"Yeah," Cady stammers, totally hating that she's now committed to this. "I thought Ryan Gosling was really cute, and his girlfriend was really cute, and I was like, I guess I like both!"

A long moment passes of Regina just staring at her, and then, a little softly, "Just that?"

Cady just grins like an idiot. "Yep."

"Huh." She leans back in her seat and shrugs. "Guess movies change lives."

"Good ones, anyway," Cady agrees, wanting to die.

The carriage rolls back into the stand, then, and they climb out. "I want hot cocoa," Kylie declares. "Shane! Locate the cocoa!"

He smiles accommodatingly, and then shoots Cady a strained look before picking a direction.

By the time Cady turns back toward Regina, she's talking to Kylie. Well, based on Kylie's facial expression, she's punishing Kylie for forcing her to spend so much time near horses, and Cady decides she doesn't need to be collateral damage and catches up with Shane.

"How'd it go?" he asks once she's beside him. "Kylie said you were worried you and Gi weren't cool."

"Um." Cady glances over her shoulder, and Regina is giving Kylie that evil, plastic grin that meant death back in high school. "It was good. She's glad I'm here."

"We all are," Shane says. "I mean, Gi more than the rest of us, but still."

"Yeah?" Cady looks up at him and finally just decides to ask, "Are you two dating again?"

Shane laughs at that. "Nah. No, thanks." He shoots her a grin. "Gi's like my best friend, but dating her was basically like being her sexy butler. Like she's better now, y'know, but mainly because she's not dating people like me anymore."

"What kind of guys is she dating?"

"I mean, right now she's not dating anyone," Shane says, glancing back at Cady. "Far as I know, anyway. But I just mean she's not dating super hot, cool, nice guys anymore."

Cady chuckles. "Her loss."

Then Shane's eyes dart back to Regina for a second. "Nah," he says, "she's got good taste."

They finally get to a drink stall, and Shane saves Kylie from Regina by making her come stand in line with him. Regina crosses her arms and watches them go, smiling a little.

"She's so grown up," Cady says.

"I know, right? She's such a little shit now. She used to be cute." Regina sighs, not unhappily. "I come back to Evanston like four times a year, and I feel like every time I do she's basically a different person."

Cady nods. "You are, too, right?"

The question sits, Regina's eyes drifting as she falls into herself. All Cady can do is watch, wondering yet again what's going on in Regina's brain. "I wasn't for a while. Like, I guess I got stuck in one version of me. I dunno." She taps her toe on the cobblestones and stares down. "It's so stupid, right?"

"Why is it stupid?" Cady asks, letting herself step a little closer. She feels a bit silly, but she wants her feet in Regina's line of sight, a non-threatening reminder that she's not alone. "How'd you get stuck?"

Regina frowns. "I dunno. It's dumb. It's like…" She sighs and shakes her head. "Like people tell you who are, and if you're good at it, then it can be totally awesome being who you're supposed to be. Except maybe, like, that's not you, not really. So then you try little bits of being someone else. And it just… doesn't work out. Like it really sucks. So then you just go back to being who people tell you you are. Like maybe that's all you can do."

Again, it feels like Regina is trying to tell her something, but it's hard to tell what. But it's clearly hard for her, so Cady says, "That sounds like it sucks. I think for me, I had, like, so many people telling me I was different things. And there was just no way I could be all of them." She pauses, thinking for a second. "And none of them were right, actually. I think they all kind of were a little bit right, they had, like, a piece of me. But I wasn't any one thing. I was a bit of everything. And I had to figure out what bits I wanted to be."

She nods, and then she looks back to Cady, smiling softly. "Sorry I was one of those people. Like, obviously you knew better than to listen to me, but I didn't know that. I thought I was just completely running your life."

Cady laughs. "I was listening to you more than I thought. And there were parts you were right about, for sure. I wouldn't have made such a good Plastic if you weren't a little right."

"I dunno, Cady," Regina says, finally looking up and meeting her gaze. Her lips press together, eyebrows tense, searching Cady's face for something.

Before she can say anything else, Kylie comes skipping back, Shane in tow with a tray of drinks and a few other girls with them. "Hey! I ran into some friends in the line!"

Regina tilts her head, shooting Kylie an acid grin. "And are you gonna bail on me the one time I see you without mom and dad in months?"

Kylie deflates, and then, defensively, "Well, you've got Cady…"

"You invited her, Ky, so, you're bailing on her, too? Poor Cady? Whose boyfriend just dumped her at Christmas?"

Cady opens her mouth to protest that that's really not what happened, but then thinks better of it. Instead, she takes the opportunity to get on Regina's good side, making herself sound as morose as possible as she says, "It's okay, I'm used to being abandoned at the holidays."

"Cady!" Kylie whines as Regina shoots her an appreciative smirk. Then she stomps her foot and says, "Okay, well, can we at least drink our hot cocoas with them?"

Regina rolls her eyes. "Whatever."

They end up near a big gas fire pit surrounded by benches. Much to Cady's disappointment, Regina settles into a bench with Shane, so Cady has the bench next to them all to herself. It'd be a little chilly normally, but with her hot chocolate and the fire, she doesn't mind. She's used to being cold by now, anyway.

Kylie and her friends —Madison, Sadie, and Claire, Cady picks up— are chattering away like only high school girls can, and it's funny to see how Kylie can boss them around, so much like Regina was back then. For her part, Regina nurses her drink, and she watches with an amused smile. Every now and then she and Shane get pulled into the conversation, and a few times they make an effort to include Cady, but Cady's happier just watching, and Regina seems to get that.

Actually, for years, Christmas has mostly been about watching other people be happy together, while Cady is comfortable and content and off to the side. So, somehow, this feels right. It kind of feels like Christmas for the first time this year.

Still, the fact that she's not talking means she finishes her drink quickly. She silently laments the loss of warmth until she feels a soft nudge, and looks over to see Regina handing her her own mostly full cup, not looking in Cady's direction. Cady smiles and takes it, waiting until Regina glances over to mouth a silent 'thanks.'

Regina's lipstick has stained the lid, and Cady blushes privately when she sips from it.

By now, the teenagers are talking about boys, and it's starting to get heated. "He's totally hot, what are you talking about?" Claire says, indignant.

"I dunno, he's not my type," Madison replies.

"He's completely your type," Kylie says. "He's basically like a slightly taller Mike Petrovic and you went out with Mike for like three months."

Sadie scoffs. "And then she dumped him, so, lesson learned."

"How can Zack not be anyone's type, he's gorgeous."

And then Madison blurts, "I don't know if I like guys, okay?"

That admission brings the conversation to a screeching halt, all the girls looking to Madison now. "So, you like girls?" Claire asks.

"I don't know," Madison says, her brow all scrunched up in irritation. "I'm trying to figure it out, okay?"

Then Kylie blurts something that Cady's brain is completely unprepared for. "Maybe Regina can help. She's gay."

"Kylie!" Regina hisses.

"What?" Kylie says, an innocent expression plastered on her face. "You said you didn't care who knew as long as mom and dad don't find out before Christmas."

"That was before—" Regina stops herself and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Whatever."

On the other side of the fire pit, Madison is staring now, though. Her mouth presses tight for a moment before she finally says, "So, how did you know?"

Regina doesn't even make eye contact, she just holds that pose, and says, "It was a complete fucking disaster figuring it out, okay? Don't do what I did."

Next to Madison, Sadie smirks as she slouches back, fingers wrapped around her drink. "Which was what?"

For a second, Cady wonders if Regina is going to freak out. Cady almost is, she's practically holding her breath, staring at her and still trying to process the revelation that Regina George is a lesbian. But when Regina speaks, her voice is level but tense, all strained control. "Look, just… find someone to figure it out with, I don't know."

"Figure it out how?" Madison asks. "I don't—" She huffs. "I don't want anyone to feel like I'm creeping on them."

Regina winces. "Yeah, no, I get that. Just," she exhales and bounces her knees a few times, "be honest with yourself?"

"I'm trying," Madison says, starting to sound defensive. "Like I just admitted it in front of my friends? Hello? Is that supposed to be easy?"

"None of this is easy," Regina spits, clearly more aggressively than she means to, and it makes Madison flinch and Claire glare at her. She deflates a little and says, "I fucked it up, figuring myself out, and it took me a long time to get over it, okay? So, I just… like, I don't know what you want me to tell you."

Madison frowns then, and says, "Forget it. Like I said, I'm thinking about it."

"Thinking about it," Regina repeats, rolling her eyes and then staring into the fire again. "I spent forever thinking about it."

"So tell me this grand cautionary tale," Madison prods.

That finally brings Regina's eyes back up, and she glances around the circle at all the girls (and Shane) staring at her. When she meets Cady's eyes, there's a little twitch of her eyebrow, and then she huffs in frustration. "Fine, whatever." She bites her lip, face intensely focused for a moment, and it's only when Shane reaches over and starts to slowly run a hand over her upper back that she snaps out of it and turns her eyes to the fire.

"So, in middle school I had this best friend, and she totally had, like, a huge crush on me, I could tell. It kind of freaked me out at first, but she was my best friend, so, I didn't want to be a bitch, and then the more I thought about it, the more I kind of liked it. But I knew I wasn't supposed to like it, that it would be bad if I liked it, so, I just pretended like I had no idea.

"And then we ended up in this game of spin the bottle, and my spin landed on her, and, like, I could re-spin for a boy, that was in the rules. But I didn't want to. I realized I had this chance to kiss her and it would be allowed, and…" She makes a tensed expression and shrugs. "I wanted to. So, I did, and I really, really liked it." Then she hunches her shoulders and sighs. "Except suddenly everyone was staring at me and I felt like they could tell how much I liked it. Like it was obvious, right?

"So, I pretended that I just did it to prove she'd let me, and I basically outed her to everyone." Regina winces, and glances nervously around the circle again. "Don't worry, I totally get my comeuppance, it's brutal."

She pauses for a moment, rubbing her own arms as Shane's hand keeps moving over her back. Cady feels her stomach tense, and Regina looks around again at everyone but her. That's the bit that really sends dread creeping up her spine. Why won't Regina look at her?

"Then, in junior year of high school, this new girl started, and I thought she was, like, so pretty, so I made friends with her, which I basically never did. So then we were hanging out all the time, and calling each other, and I was, like, completely obsessed with her. I got back with my ex just because she liked him, because it freaked me out to think about them dating. I was psychotic. And I'd been trying to convince myself that the thing in middle school had just been, like, weirdness, like I was too close with that girl, I guess. But this new girl…"

Cady's breath has stopped completely, and she can't pull her eyes away from Regina. Yearning and fear are so wrapped up together in her guts that she thinks she might undrink her hot chocolates. She wants to run away screaming, she wants to hug Regina and comfort her, and instead she just sits, frozen, on her bench and tries to start breathing again.

Regina shakes her head and her mittened thumb dabs quickly at the edges of her eyes. She's staring at the fire again like she's willing everyone else to be gone so she can just talk, and it's reflecting so bright in her wet, glassy eyes. "She was obsessed with me, too, I could tell, and I'm not fucking stupid, okay? I knew what I was feeling. I liked her, and I thought that maybe she liked me the same way, and that she was someone that I could, I dunno, figure myself out with? Like it would be weird and messed up, I guess, and we'd be sneaking around, but I could do it if it was her, and maybe she could, too.

"But then it turns out she didn't like me like that." Regina gives a forced smile, but she can't quite mask the pain in her eyes, and it rips a hole in Cady's heart. Then she laughs a little without any warmth in it. "Actually she never liked me at all. The whole time we were friends she was working with that girl I outed to ruin my life and get revenge. So," she shrugs and splays her hands in a ta-da motion, "Comeuppance!"

She swallows, and her eyes fall back to the fire. "I'd never felt that bad before. Like I got hit by a bus around the same time and it didn't suck as much as knowing I'd been crazy about her and she'd hated me for our whole friendship. And, basically after that I couldn't even let myself think about liking a girl for, like, five years. Then I finally got over it a few months ago and here we are."

Cady's tattered heart feels like it's going to pound out of her chest, but Regina still isn't looking at her. Kylie is, though. She's staring at her with her eyes wide and her face pale, like some of this must be new information for her, too.

Regina clears her throat and looks to Madison again. "If it doesn't feel right with guys, you can't make it feel right. You can find the best guy in the world," her hand drifts over to give Shane's knee a squeeze as she says it, "and it'll still just be weird and off. So, I dunno, you have to at least try. Just," she sighs and shakes her head. "Try with someone who you can trust, and ideally who doesn't secretly hate your guts."

There's a quiet moment, no one quite sure who should talk first, but then Kylie gets up and bolts off. Regina sighs and says, "I'll talk to her," and gets up and follows.

"Well," Sadie declares, turning to look at Madison, "can't do worse than that?"

Cady ignores them and looks over to Shane. "I swear I had no idea."

He nods. "It's chill, Cady, she doesn't, like, blame you. Or, not for that part. The whole revenge thing is definitely on you, but you can't help being a weird little hottie who captures the hearts of ice queen babes. That's just in your blood."

Cady laughs in spite of the weight in her stomach, but she still feels like she has to explain herself. "I didn't hate her," she says softly. "I was really mad when she got back with Aaron, but it was never like… I hate that she thinks I hated her."

A big hand settles on her knee, and Shane looks at her warmly. "I figure it's taken a while, but she might finally be ready to hear that." Then he glances over her shoulder in the direction Kylie went, and adds, "Just maybe give her and Kylie another couple minutes."

The cup in her hand is nearly empty, now, and she looks down at the smear of lipstick on the lid. Across the fire, the girls are still chattering amongst each other, and she wonders if they're doing anything now that they'll regret for years to come. Maybe some people are just better at high school than others. Then, when it feels like enough time has passed, she gets up and follows.

When she finds them, they're over by the big tree where all the nicest decorations are, and they're just finishing a hug. Regina notices her first, making eye contact for a second with a tiny nod, before she looks back to Kylie. Then, after another few words between them, Kylie turns and heads back. When she passes Cady she doesn't make eye contact, though whether that's out of anger or awkwardness, Cady can't tell.

"Sorry," Regina says when Cady gets close, "I guess you probably felt, like, called out back there. I seriously wasn't going to say anything." She chuckles, bouncing in place and looking over at the tree. "I'm coming out to my parents on Christmas morning. I got them, like, presents that— It's whatever, it doesn't matter, but that's why I was weird about you being here. Um, but it's good, I think. I should, like…" She presses her lips together for a second, and then looks back at Cady, eyes still a bit misty. "I should probably apologize to you."

Cady blinks. "What for?"

"I don't know," Regina laughs. "I just don't want you to feel like I was creeping on you in high school, or whatever. If I was weird. I mean I know I was awful, I'm not an idiot, but I didn't want to add weird on top of that."

"You always say I'm weird," Cady says defensively.

"No, it's fine when you do it." Regina shakes her head and covers her face. "Fuck, I— Jesus, I literally can't talk to a girl I find hot to save my life."

Cady's ears feel hot, and she tries to cut in. "No, I mean, so maybe I like it when you're weird too—"

"And now I absolutely just called you hot to your face, so, I'm doing it again."

"Regina."

"Like that's probably why it took you so long to figure out you're bi, having some weird bitch you're trying to ruin creeping on you—"

"Regina."

"Obviously that's gonna make you bury whatever feelings about girls—"

"Regina!"

"No, just let me finish apologi—"

"I've never seen The Notebook."

The statement is so absurd that it somehow stops Regina's spiralling. "What?"

"I've never seen The Notebook," Cady repeats.

Regina blinks. "But it was your bi awakening."

"No, it wasn't," Cady says. "I just picked it because the main girl kind of looks like you." She stares at Regina's mittens so she won't have to look into her eyes. "I made a non-Janis gay friend, and I was telling her about high school, and she was like, 'Are you sure you didn't have a crush on this Regina girl?' because I guess I was talking about you like I did. And I said no way, but then I kept thinking about it and eventually it just clicked that like… No, I totally did. That's why I was so obsessed with you that I couldn't stop talking about you even when it made me completely unbearable.

"And when Aaron found out that's how I figured it out, that's when he started feeling weird about me being around my girl friends. Because if I could fall for one of them once, it could happen again. But I never liked any of my girl friends like that, the only time I felt that way about a girl close to me was you."

Then, finally, she looks up. Regina's staring blankly, then her eyes dart around and she bites her lip, and then she just turns and bolts.

It takes Cady a second to realize she's actually storming off, and she rushes to follow. "Wait, what did I say wrong?" she calls. "Can we talk about it? Regina? Come on!"

After a few more strides Regina stops and looks back at her.

Cady rushes to catch up. "I'm sorry that I didn't figure it out back then, I just—"

"Cady," Regina interrupts as soon as she gets close.

"Just don't run away from me," Cady complains, finally coming to a stop in front of her.

Regina rolls her eyes. "I was not running away."

"Really? Cuz it really looked a lot like running away."

"Yeah, well, look harder, Cady," Regina says.

Cady glares at her, but then Regina's eyes dart upward briefly, and Cady follows her eyeline up to the mistletoe hanging on the archway above them. "Oh," she breathes.

Still, Regina looks a little uncertain, hands hanging in front of her, tugging at her mittens. "Is it…?"

"I mean we have to, right? It's tradition."

Regina slips a little closer, running a hand up Cady's arm, but still hesitating. "Yeah, but it's a dumb tradition, you literally don't have to—"

Then Cady's kissing her, throwing her puffy jacketed arms around her shoulders and pressing her frosty nose against Regina's warm face. Regina's arms slip around her, pulling her closer, and when she parts her lips, her mouth still tastes like chocolate. There's no market anymore, there's not even an Evanston, there's just Regina holding her and kissing her and nothing else could possibly matter.

She doesn't know how long they stay like that, but it must be a while because when they finally part, Regina's face rosier than ever even though Cady's sure both of them have warmed up considerably, Regina says, "Kylie probably thinks we killed each other or something."

Cady laughs. "Yeah, we should get back. Um, but now I'm really looking forward to that coffee after Christmas?"

"Yeah," Regina grins. "I mean I like it when your mouth tastes like hot cocoa, but I definitely prefer coffee."

They turn to walk back, Cady casually taking Regina's hand in hers and feeling a thrill when Regina lets her. "You know," Regina says after a few moments, "they probably won't even have mistletoe at the coffee shop."

Cady rolls her eyes. "I can kiss you without mistletoe."

Regina looks back. "Prove it?"