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The days were starting to blurr into each other and the nights felt like they went by in a wink.
Basically, that meant that Dick was probably not as in touch with reality as he should be right now.
But Dick blamed that weird, yet familiar, floating feeling on the sudden calm after days, weeks of constant stress. Of being on high alert at all time because of Amanda Waller and having to lead the superheroes against her and her evil schemes
Dick's brain was just processing the events, now that everything was over.
As good as he was with compartmentalisating his emotions, ever since his head injury (courtesy of KG Beast) compartmentalisation came with a backlash.
Often, this backlash would translate into a few days of disconnection with everything. Disconnection with himself, his emotions, his actions, his environnment, people... For a few days, nothing felt real and everything felt out of reach.
Dick knew this had a name but right now he could not be bothered to find it. He was too busy spacing out in the middle of the Titans Tower's living area to care.
The Titans were all settling back in the Tower now that everything was over. They were enjoying a well deserved rest just like Dick. He could hear them banter around him, talking and laughing together as if nothing happened, as if they had already processed everything.
There was a time where Dick could process things as fast his friends, even faster. A time where he did not even feel the sudden drop of adrenaline after living on it for weeks.
He used to always be at his top.
(God, sometimes Dick misses the person he was before KG Beast).
"Hey, Dick !" A familiar voice suddenly breaks through the haze of Dick's mind, like someone breaking through a window. Suddenly, it is as if Dick is pulled out from under water.
Yet despite the shock, Dick lazily lifts his head up toward one familiar redhead.
Roy is here, standing next to him with a big, wide grin on his face. His hair are neatly combed in a way Dick does not remember having seen in a while. It makes him look youthful, full of life. A look Roy has not had since forever.
Or maybe it is just that Dick has not seen him in a long time.
Or maybe he has, Dick has been pretty awful with time lately.
"Hi, Roy," Dick, who had been sitting by the table the whole time, gets up to properly greet Roy with a quick hug.
There was a time when skin contact with Roy meant more than a quick hug, where the heat of his body overwhelmed Dick in the best way possible. A quick hug used to not be enough but today, it almost felt too much for Dick.
Roy's perfum smelled too strong, the fabric of his clothes felt weird under Dick's hands and his body's heat felt like fire against Dick's skin.
All is to say, Dick was quick to pull away.
"How have you been since last time ?" Roy asks, leaning against the table while Dick sits back down on his chair. "We didn't really get the opportunity to catch up."
Last time.
Right, last time.
Last time had been a few weeks ago, has it not been ? Yes, through a hologram phone call.
For some reason, right now Dick cannot remember the details.
He just remembers trying to convince Roy about something, he remembers the betrayed expression the archer was wearing on his face and behind him, Dick even remembers seeing a familiar teenage girl, though her blue hair had felt off. She had been bantering with Cheshire.. Did she not call her 'mom' too ?
"I'm fine," Dick replies after a beat, stopping his thoughts from wandering too far. He is about to open his mouth to ask back when Gar suddenly appears next to them.
"Roy, buddy !" The green man, previously a bird, hand-checks Roy with a big smile. "It's been so long !"
"Yeah," Roy returns the hand-check with ease. "Sorry... But I'm here to stay now !"
Dick turns into a spectator as he observes the archer and Gar chat together. He observes their lips moving, the crinkles in the corner of their eyes. He can hear their voices but somehow, the more they talk and the less their words make sense and slowly, the little focus Roy's presence had brought Dick disappears.
Before he knows it, Dick is back into his own mind, into his own thoughts.
Roy was going to come back among the Titans.
(That was why he was here in the first place, was it not ?)
Dick was not sure how to feel and he did not know whether it was because of how disconnected he had been with everything these past few days or because Roy's presence brough up every mixed feelings Dick has had for the man.
But why was Roy going back with the Titans already ? Was he not looking for something last time Dick checked ?
Or was it someone ?
The teenage girl.
She had been standing behind Roy during the phone call, among Roy's family members. She had stuck out like sore thumb with her blue hair, so much that Dick just assumed she was not real. She had called Jade 'Mom".
Okay, here is one thing :
Dick has been dealing with all kind of hallucinations since he can remembers. More often than not, they are thankfully substance induced and when they are not, Dick immediately knows.
It is the way one colour would stand out on them, like the yellow canary cape Jason used to wear or the red on his parents' costumes or well, in this case, those blue hair.
She had been wearing a cat mask which was covering half of her face but the little Dick had been able to see had struck him like lightning.
This jaw, those lips, this nose : Lian, he had immediately thought before he had dismissed the thought.
Lian was gone.
She had been believed to be dead for years until Roy came and told them his daughter was alive. According to him, she was just somewhere lost and away from everyone who loved her.
And if Dick remembered being skeptical, he could not have helped but hope Roy was right. After all, sometimes death was not as permanent as Dick had been taught to believe.
(When would it be his parents' turn ?)
But since Roy left to find her, the Titans never heard of him reuniting with his daughter.
If that girl was Lian and she had been real the whole time, Roy would have said something, right ? Even if the timing was bad, surely he would have mentioned something to Dick, right ?
Roy had not said anything about the teenager behind him. Nobody had said anything about that kid dressed like a mixture of Speedy and Cheshire either, as if they did not see her.
So, Dick had quickly recognised her as one of his hallucinations.
Ah.
It was the first time he hallucinated Lian, how weird was it that his mind decided to age her up ? How old would she have been, had she been alive nowadays anyways ? Surely not as old as that blue haired teen.
And again, Roy would have said something.
(Right ?)
"Hey, it's funny..." Dick's mouth suddenly opens out of his consent, the words escape his lips before he can stop them, like they often do when he is in this state. "I'm pretty sure I saw Lian behind you last time," he says at Roy's direction.
The latter freezes and his smile drops and he looks like a deer caught in headlights. Everybody falls silent and Dick knows he should shut up now because it is a sensitive subject for everyone but especially for Roy.
Yet, he still goes on, thoughts and words tangle together and forming one. "But she was way older than I remembered and she had blue hair.. How weird." He lets out a weak chuckle, heart aching as his eyes fall on a random spot on the floor.
The silence is loud above his head but Dick is already retreating back into his own head as if nothing. His friends' horrified expressions will soon be a blur and the pain he will feel from the fist he will eat in the face will be numb.
Dick wants to go home and lay down in bed and sleep until his mind is in the right place again. Until he can lead the Titans the same way he led the heroes against Waller.
"Well about that..." He vaguely hears Roy beginning to reply.
It takes an immense effort for Dick to slowly drag his eyes back on Roy. Around him, Dick can read the confusion on his friends' faces.
"What ?" Donna presses when Roy does not continue.
Why does he look so awkward all of sudden ? Should he not be angry at Dick or... Offended at least ? No, it is even worse, why does he look guilty ?
"I may have forgotten to update you guys..." Roy scratches his neck almost helplessly, as if he had been caught doing something bad.
"No way," Dick glances at Victor, he looks like he is about to short-circuit.
Wait, what is going on ?
Dick glances back at Roy and he probably looks as confused as everyone.
(At least, he is somewhat aware now).
"You cannot be serious," Kory sounds almost angry.
What ?
Dick is not keeping up anymore.
When did he lose track already ?
Roy just smiles awkwardly and now Donna looks offended.
"Roy !" She exclaimed.
Huh ?
"I meant to tell you earlier, I promise !" Roy holds his hands up in surrender as if he fears to get a punch in the face. "But we all got so caught up with everything, it completely slipped my mind."
"Where is she now ?" Raven asks curiously.
Who ?
The voices begin to mix together in a hubbub and now Dick is even more lost. The only word he is able to pick up is 'Gotham' and that is when he tunes back in the conversation, as if jumping in a moving train.
"She was in Gotham the whole time ?" Gar sounds like he is about to choke. He turns to Dick as if the latter knows something.
Dick just stares back, trying to piece together what is happening. How does he lose track so easily when he is the one to have seemingly thrown the subject on the table ?
What is the subject even ?
"Dick, did you know that Lian was in Gotham for the past years ?" Donna suddenly asks and now everybody is looking at Dick.
"What ?" Dick is feeling very awake now. "Lian ? In Gotham ?" He glances at every Titan gathered around him, almost hoping for one of them to crack a smile and tell him they're joking.
Lian.
(She presumably died when she was five).
In Gotham.
(Did she not die in Star City ?)
For the past years.
Lian.
(She might have survived ?)
Gotham.
(Dick had lived in the city, should he had not noticed something ?)
Alive ?
Roy is staring at Dick with almost apprehension in his eyes as Dick slowly pieces the puzzle back together. He looks guilty, he did not say anything when Donna asked her question to Dick.
Holy accidental revelation.
There is a sudden, familiar rush of adrenaline in his bloodstream that makes Dick abruptedly stands up, making everyone around flinch in surprise. His heart is beating in his ears as Dick turns toward Roy in disbelief now that everything makes sense in the mess that is his head.
His mind has never been more clear in these last few days than right now as he gasps :
"Lian is alive ?!"