Chapter Text
“What are you really doing here?”
“I miss him.”
And Rachel doesn’t know why it took her so long to see it, why she’s just seeing it now. The pain on Harvey’s face and in his voice tells her. Maybe it’s because she indirectly drove a wedge between Mike and Harvey; there’d been nothing but fighting between them recently. Rachel is pretty sure Harvey means he misses Mike now, and has missed him for a while. But she doesn’t want to think about that anymore. Mike is gone, and will be for a while, and maybe having someone who can understand what she’s feeling, someone who can completely empathize because he’s feeling the same way, will help. It does for a bit. They talk about Mike, about how he forced himself into their lives with not really much force at all, just the strength of his personality. They toast to trouble, and it feels good, like they’re on this even playing board of grief. It helps… until it doesn’t. Until Harvey pulls some strings to get himself into the prison to see Mike. He tells Rachel some bullshit excuse about only being able to get himself in under the pretense of a legal emergency, and there was no way Rachel would be able to go. They fight, and they’re both stubborn, but in the end Rachel is too tired. “Just tell him… I love him,” Rachel says softly, holding back tears she doesn’t want Harvey to see. Harvey looks uncomfortable and looks away from Rachel, but he agrees.
Rachel is finally approved to visit in just less than a month. She visits Mike as soon as she can, and she almost regrets it. He has a black eye and some stitches in his eyebrow. She breaks down in tears when she sees him and Mike tells her it kills him not to be able to comfort her. He looks hollow and broken and she briefly wonders how her visit differs from Harvey’s. They probably both had stoic strength and then made jokes about their favourite prison movies. She couldn’t do the same, seeing her almost-husband behind a piece of glass. Leaving after two short hours was like losing a piece of herself again. Could she really do this for two years? Jessica, Harvey, and Louis tried to save the firm, and while they did save some clients, it wasn’t the same firm anymore. Gone was the Pearson Specter Litt that had so many names before. It was just the small group of them, they sold their office and moved into a smaller building, and not exactly in the city’s centre. They had loyal clients and were building the client base slowly.
Rachel leaves when they get back on their feet and they can manage without her. Jessica tries, but not too hard, to convince her to stay. “I can’t… Harvey… it’s just that…” and she can’t finish, but she doesn’t have to. Jessica nods and looks apologetic but unsurprised. Jessica was of course, always extremely perceptive, and of course she’d probably known since the beginning of it, whenever that was, which was maybe even the very beginning. Jessica’s understanding solidifies that she's doing the right thing.
Harvey Specter was completely in love with Mike Ross. Rachel knows this, but she didn’t know how much Mike knew or what he felt about the whole thing. She couldn’t be around Harvey anymore, but she had to know what Mike really wanted.
“Do you love him?” Rachel asks on her next visit, holding back the tears and trying to remain calm. She did not want to make a scene.
“What?” Mike asks, looking genuinely confused.
She doesn’t know how to talk about this, hasn’t said it out loud. I
“You know Harvey is in love with you, right?” Rachel asks, but it’s not really a question and more of a statement.
Mike stares at her, in a shocked sort of state. “No… No he… Rachel, what are you—“
And Rachel laughs because it’s one of the reactions she had told herself to expect, but not the one she was hoping for. She was hoping for laughter and for the idea to seem ridiculous and she would feel stupid and laugh with him because she had just been paranoid and wrong and all the unsaid things between her and Harvey, and her and Jessica, she had misread them. But that’s not what happened, and it made the whole thing harder to swallow.
“I quit the firm,” she informs him, even though he still looks stunned. “I can’t be there anymore Mike, I can’t be here anymore. I’m leaving. I don’t know where yet.”
“Rachel… what are you saying? I don’t—“ he begins again, still not finding the words.
“Mike, stop,” Rachel says, clenching her jaw, still fighting to keep her voice even and her cheeks dry. “I just need to know. I need to know if you love him back. I need to know if you would give him up for me. Or if…” Rachel needed to take a deep breath. “Or if you would give me up for him.”
When she looked at Mike, his eyes were welled up too. “Rachel, please.” His voice was broken and weak and again, it wasn’t what Rachel wanted to hear. Was one of the things she made herself expect, but what she’d hope would not happen. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t tell her his choice because he didn’t want to hurt her, which means his choice would hurt her.
“Goodbye, Mike,” she said, and no longer held back her tears. She let them well up and fall down her cheek. Mike’s reddened eyes did the same, and all he could say was “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never wanted…”
Rachel stood and turned… and left. She didn’t look back, she couldn’t unless she was to drop to the floor and start sobbing. Maybe one day she’d know this was for the best, but for now she felt like she could die.
~*~*~*~*~
Two years later and Mike was finally getting out. He technically never made plans to be picked up once he was released, but he knew who would be there waiting for him when he walked out of that giant gate. The same man who had dropped him off two years previously. Except he didn’t look like the same man. Harvey was wearing pastel blue shorts, a patterned button up short sleeve shirt, and flip-flops. He was tanned, and his hair was ungelled and longer than it ever used to be, looking a sun-kissed blond.
Mike couldn’t help but smile at the sight in front of him. He couldn’t imagine ever seeing Harvey like this: calm, happy, relaxed. He’d seen a glimpse maybe when they’d gotten high together, but never could he have pictured this.
He kept his face serious as he looked around and said, “Excuse me, I’m looking for a Harvey Specter. Have you seen him by any chance?”
Harvey rolled his eyes.
“Slicked back hair, probably wearing a suit because that’s all he owns. No? Alright, I’ll just wait then,” Mike continued.
“Shut up,” Harvey finally said, and it was then Mike spotted the tiny convertible car Harvey was leaning against.
“What. Is. This.” Mike gaped, moving toward the car.
“Hey, don’t go getting your grubby hands all over her, just had her washed,” Harvey said pulling Mike’s wrist away from the tiny Italian car before he could touch it. And Mike looked down at the hand around his wrist, everything seemed to slow down and go silent around him. This had been the part he was most nervous about. He wasn’t worried about acclimating back into society, or what he would do with his life now, this new and weird territory is what he had been stressing about for weeks. He looked up to Harvey who still had a soft smile on his face, and it calmed Mike. Harvey was still holding Mike’s wrist though, and they both said nothing about it, as if they were both getting used to this new contact.
It had been one and a half years since Rachel had walked away from Mike in the prison, one year since finally telling Harvey why she left, and one year since Harvey admitted everything was true. Mike’s world was flipped when Rachel walked out of his life and dropped that one particular bomb on him. He hadn’t known what to do with it. For six months he sat across the glass from Harvey and wondered what every glance meant and whether it could be true. He hadn’t known how to answer Rachel that day, when she’d asked him who he would choose. He’d never considered Harvey as part of the equation before, and never thought he’d have to choose between them. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been in love with Rachel, but when she’d said Harvey was in love with him, it was like his world and the stars aligned and everything made sense, while making no sense at all.
He was terribly sorry he had hurt Rachel, and that their relationship turned out the way it did, but he’d had lots of time to think about things and he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. He’d wondered for 6 months if it could really be true, if it was really possible for Harvey to feel that way about him. And he’d decided over that time that yes, he was absolutely in love with Harvey.
“I never told you why Rachel left,” Mike said one day. Harvey looked confused as the topic seemed out of the blue, but it was all Mike thought about.
“No. You didn’t,” Harvey said apprehensively, cautious due to the nervousness coming off of Mike.
“She asked me to choose,” Mike spoke again, finding it much harder to talk about than it had in the imaginary conversations had.
“Choose between what?” Asked Harvey coolly. But Mike could see the rising nervousness in the man sitting across the glass.
“You. And her. Between the both of you. And I couldn’t. She said…” And this was the part where Mike felt like his world would either go to hell or wonderful. “She said you were in love with me. And… And I couldn’t tell her I’d choose her over you.”
Silence came from Harvey’s end of the telephone. Harvey stood like a deer in headlights. It felt like infinity before Harvey cleared his throat and broke the eye contact between them. “I have to go,” Harvey said, and then hung up the phone and left. Mike would have called after him but he was too stunned. Mike stood up and a guard came to guide him out of the visitor space.
And then Harvey came back in, accompanied by a guard and Harvey looked pleading and apologetic. The guard with Harvey radioed to the guard gripping Mike’s arm, saying it was okay to let Mike stay. Mike and Harvey faced each other at the glass and Harvey looked wrecked. Harvey sat and picked up the phone, waiting for Mike to follow.
When Mike picked up, still stunned and now not knowing what to expect, “I’m sorry,” was what Harvey said. Mike didn’t know what part Harvey was sorry for, because if it was ‘sorry that you left Rachel but she had no idea what she was saying’ Mike would lose it. “Sorry about that, I sort of freaked out,” Harvey explained.
“Yeah. Just a bit,” Mike said carefully, not wanting to spook Harvey.
“I’m… well you know I’m not great with feelings and all this shit,” Harvey said. “I… I guess Rachel figured it out, but I mean, I never told her. I thought… I thought I was hiding it better than that, Mike I’m sorry.”
“Harvey, don’t,” Mike said, because Harvey was blaming himself for Rachel leaving Mike and he would not have that. “If I could let Rachel go like that then… it wouldn’t have worked.” Mike was watching Harvey, trying to read what he was thinking.
“So... what now?” Harvey asked after a minute of uncomfortable silence.
“I just want to be clear here,” Mike said seriously. “You are like totally head over heels romcom style in love with me right? I mean pining away for me for years, writing poetry about me probably, totally in love, yeah?” Mike grinned.
Harvey laughed finally. “Shut up,” he said. And then he added soberly, “Yes.” And the look in Harvey’s face stopped Mike’s breath for several seconds. “But if you think I’d ever write poetry about you, you must have gotten a concussion from one of those prison beatings,” Harvey smiled.
They talked and joked for the rest of their visitation time like nothing at all had happened. But when a guard came to tell them their time was up, Mike looked back at Harvey. “Hey… just so you know. I, uh, I’m pretty sure I’m romcom style in love with you too.”
“Damn right you are,” Harvey grinned, and that was that. Mike felt lighter and more powerful than ever. He felt like his last year in prison would be the hardest year ever and at the same time be a breeze.
So here they stood, finally breathing the same air, no glass separating them and they were frozen still but the first physical content they’ve had since their confessions. Dangerous territory. Mike now knew how much he loved Harvey, but having this revelation in prison had been both a blessing and a curse. How did they move forward? How did they go about this, he was pretty sure neither of them had ever been with a guy before, and fuck if that didn’t significantly complicate things. Harvey finally broke their frozen silence by tugging Mike’s arm and saying, “Come here,” in a voice Mike found impossible not to oblige. Harvey brought Mike to face him and moved his hands up to either side of Mike’s neck, and touched their foreheads together. “Hi,” Harvey said. Mike gave a small huffed laugh. Harvey was way too chicken shit for this.
“Come here,” Mike mimicked Harvey. He reached up a hand to tilt Harvey’s chin up until their lips brushed and both of their breaths came uneven and they finally kissed. It felt like nothing Mike had ever felt, and simultaneously everything he’d ever wanted without even knowing it. Harvey’s lips were soft and his slightly stubbled face was a bit rough but it felt good. It made Mike feel alive, and they both deepened the kiss, hungry for the contact they’d never been allowed to have before. Mike isn’t sure for how long they kissed, but he’s ended up with his back against the car and Harvey’s body pressing into his front. When they finally stop, Mike opens his eyes and sees the prison still there, sitting behind Harvey.
“Can we please get out of here?” Mike asks and Harvey just nods. Mike can feel it because Harvey’s face is nuzzled in Mike’s neck. He pushes Harvey back slightly, just so he can see Harvey’s face. Harvey’s lips are red and his hair is somehow messier than before and Mike maybe remembers loving the feeling of running his hand through it. He leans in to place a soft kiss on Harvey’s lips and then smiles.
“Being out of prison is awesome,” Mike smirks. “Can I drive?” He asks as he turns around to look at the car in its entirety finally.
“Yeah right,” Harvey scoffs.
“What? Come on!”
“You’ve been in prison for two years and you think I’m letting my baby here be your experiment to see if you still know how to drive?”
“Come on, it’s like riding a bike,” Mike smiled.
“Yeah, you’d know all about that,” Harvey teased back. Mike got into the passenger side and took a deep breath. He had no idea what he was going to do tomorrow, but today felt like the beginning of the rest of his life, and he couldn’t imagine a better way to start it.