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We were in the kingdom of heaven, but I could not remember when we’d gotten here. In the Caribbean, in the Garden of God. It did not matter to me. Not really.
What mattered was getting back to him. Back to Louis, my love. My perfect saint. I tried to picture him, to picture Marius. I wanted to weep. I wanted to go home to Louis. to Marius. Gabrielle. To all of them. Marius, please! Do not be angry with me! Save me! I am losing, I am losing my body and soul and mind to her. My heart was already hers. All of me will soon belong to her.
And Louis, my beloved Louis. I miss you more than I can bear even with my heart belonging to her! I love you! But he was beyond reach, they both were. There were so many miles between us and I could not reach that distance; I did not have the power. I started to weep then, blood tears falling down my eyes as I thought of Louis. Of how much I missed him. How I could not reach him.
I was not only weeping for Louis and Marius and Gabrielle and Armand but for men I had killed with the power Akasha had given me. I had brought death to men big and small. White and black I had wished to do good but had done the exact opposite.
I had cried out to god, to forgive me. Would he? Would he even now when I was not his mortal child of blond hair and blue eyes? When I had killed his mortal fathers, sons, brothers? When I had their wives and sisters and daughters rip out their hair and curse me when they looked upon me like I was the devil?
I looked at the green hills, green hills with tiny farms and flowers blooming profusely in bundles. A picture book world. Beautiful. Fake.
But, down in the streets, riots and death. This was not our making but we had done our work, the killing. She because she could do it, because she wanted to, and I because I did nothing to stop it—Small towns along these winding roads that led to this wooded summit. Towns and houses of all colors and shapes. Bananas trees growing and the people; poor and hungry and full of grief. Even as women burned with hunger and fatigue they sang hymns and buried the dead of their male family.
We were alone; me and Akasha. We were alone somewhere where I could not reach my companions. I sighed. It was beautiful here. To stay here, to be with Akasha forever and forget the past, the past. The killing of man, the death I had caused with the power she had given me. Here it could all be forgotten.
She came to me; She said: “This is the kingdom of heaven.” As if introducing me to this place.
No response.
She saw the blood tears, the blood tears that stained my face. “Ah, my prince,” she said. For a moment I felt scared, afraid. Afraid that she would condemn me for my tears, that she would read my mind and thoughts of Louis and somehow hurt me more for my thoughts. She did not. But I knew she read my mind. She heard my thoughts.
“You miss them.” She said, “You want to go to them.”
“I’m afraid of you.”
She laughed gently.
I had done terrible things, all over the world I had done terrible evil that only a vampire could do and I was so terribly sorry and I wanted to weep again, just as I had days ago for Louis and Marius and the people who were now dead.
But I could not; I did not even have the time before I felt the soft embrace of the spell filling me whole and making me warm again. The drowsy sensation which I'd craved unknowingly now running all through my body.
Akasha took in her arms, “Drink,” She whispered. I pressed my teeth to her throat and the miracle happened again, the breaking of the crust, and the blood poured into my mouth.
And I could not think as a hot, great wave flushed over me. Akasha had done this to ease my pain, to make me forget about the weeping and the killing. And now I was safe. I was in the arms of the mother and all my fear of her was gone.
Then I saw the redwood trees; The house with the burning lights, and in the mountaintop room, the table and all of them around it. Every vampire. some I knew, some I did not. They were safe! they all were! I saw the red-haired woman. The one in the dreams! I knew this woman, I’d seen her.
I wanted to be near them, to hug them all and smile with them. All the immortals gathered at the table. But I couldn’t. I could not go to them and hold them. Akasha would not let me.
And then I saw Louis, the most human one of them all. Ah, even now he had me under his spell. His black hair, his green eyes. How wonderful! How beautiful he was! My companion, My Louis.
But the vision was fading, it was being taken away from me.
Akasha please, let me stay here longer! Let me see them! Please, let’s go to them. Please, Please.
She drew away from me.
“They mean so much to you. You cannot live without them.” She said, her voice bitter and hateful.
I could not answer. What response could I make?
“You have my heart, Akasha. You have it because you want it. As you wanted me to kill the males. They are dead because you wanted it and you have taken my heart because you wanted it.” I could feel myself growing angry but I did nothing.
My heart was not hers. No matter how much I loved her, how beautiful she was. My heart was Louis’ and Louis' heart was mine, or that was what I'd like to believe. Or it was the silent truth, the silent truth we’d made to each other sixty years ago when I had made the beautiful vampire Claudia or even longer ago than that when I first gave him the dark gift and showed him the ways of vampires.
It did not matter.
Louis, my immortal companion, my all-too-human vampire. The one I cherished, the sole vampire who had my heart and I his in return. I started to weep again. I wanted him. I wanted to hold him in my arms and kiss his face.
I wanted to call his name and know he would show up and be with me as he had when Claudia poisoned and attempted to kill me. He had been there then. And I wanted him here now then truly I'd feel safe, I would no longer be afraid.