Chapter Text
Lexa looks out into the auditorium and takes in the sea of faces that greet her. She is standing near center stage, next to the chair put out for her. She doesn’t sit just yet. Cello in hand, her eyes skim above them in search of the one face. She searches for one person who has been there for her at every concert she could since she was a child. She searches for blonde hair and—
***
Blue.
Her eyes are so blue.
“Hi, I’m Clarke Grifffin.” Lexa doesn’t respond. She’s too shocked. No one has ever approached her so suddenly before.
Fourth period Orchestra just ended and Lexa decided to stay behind a little longer to practice like she always does. She had been sitting alone practicing the new piece their conductor handed out that day. Or at least she thought she was alone. Now, in front of her, stands the girl that had just joined their orchestra about a week ago.
After a moment of looking into wide green eyes, the blonde clears her throat. “I said,” she starts, “I’m Clarke Griffin, I’m a sophomore and I just transferred here. And you are?” It’s then that Lexa finally understands that this is where she’s supposed to have said something.
“Lexa Woods. I’m a sophomore too.” Lexa grips at the neck of her cello nervously, there isn’t a lot of passing time left and she still has to put her instrument away, but she finds that she doesn’t feel in a hurry at all as she lets herself drown in blue.
“You’re kidding! You’re so good though! If you wanted to you could probably challenge Nia for her spot and take first chair,” Clarke says thoughtfully. She sets down her viola case and sits next to Lexa.
“I- I could never. Nia is amazing, there’s no way-“
“Oh please, you’re so much better than her. And I can tell you care more.” The girl trains her blue eyes onto her once more and Lexa swears she’s drowning. “Would you even want to be first chair?”
Normally Lexa would just refuse. She would brush off the compliment and insist that she doesn’t even want first chair. Even though she sort of does. Even though she knows that Nia’s form is just the slightest bit off and she refuses to help her section when they need it. Even though she’s been playing the cello since she was four years old. But she is also afraid.
She’s not sure what comes over her in that moment or why she’s suddenly admitting this to an almost stranger, but she nods her head.
“You should fight for what you want instead of just sitting here in the back because you’re too shy. Don’t be afraid.”
Her words are so simple. They’re so simple, but Lexa doesn’t think she’s ever felt more encouraged; more comforted in her life. For a moment she feels brave.
“Okay.”
***
And there she is. Lexa notices the blonde just as her face breaks into a knowing smirk. She takes a calming breath now that she knows where she is. Lexa has been playing on stages for years but it’s nerve wracking every time, especially tonight. Tonight is special.
Anya is sitting strategically in the best spot for acoustics, giving her a slight thumbs up. The brunette gives her a small smile from where she stands and notices that Raven Reyes is sitting next to her, her head on her shoulder. Lexa can’t recall Anya saying anything about that when she picked her up from the airport though. Her smile turns into a smirk and she arches her eyebrow in the smallest way so that only her sister will notice. She would be sure tease her about it later.
***
“So is your girlfriend back in town?” Anya teases. She’s leaning in the doorway to Lexa’s room watching her practice. Though she isn’t doing too much practicing right now because she’s texting. It’s painfully obvious who her baby sister is texting because she has that ridiculous grin on her face.
“Shut up. She’s not my girlfriend,” Lexa mutters, her smile disappearing. “She’s just a really good friend. But yes, she just got back home.” After Clarke had talked to Lexa that one day, she took to talking to her every day after. She had lunch with Lexa and her friends, and walked each other to every class that they could. They started hanging out after school soon most days before Lexa would practice her cello, and before Lexa knew it, the day just didn’t feel right unless it involved Clarke in some small way.
Junior year passed by in the same fashion, and Lexa realized pretty quickly that year that her feelings for Clarke were more than just friendly. Thank god, the blonde never noticed, though she's not really sure how. Not a day passed when Lexa looked at Clarke and didn’t start thinking about how soft her lips would be. Not that she’d tell Anya that.
“A really good friend that you’re either talking to or hanging out with 24/7? A really good friend that, after literally everyone in your life has told you, finally got you to go for first chair? A really good friend that makes you blush when she texts you?” The older girl is clearly enjoying herself as she watches Lexa get flustered with each question she asks. “That drawing of you in your room is from her, isn’t it?”
“I wish you stayed at college for the summer,” Lexa mutters bitterly. She barely means it though and Anya laughs, but she doesn’t look like she’s about to give up on her teasing. Lexa stares straight ahead at the music stand in front of her, refusing to meet Anya’s eyes and biting the inside of her lip. Then she gets a new text.
Suddenly Lexa is setting her cello back onto its stand, safely in the corner of the room, and she’s loosening her bow. “I’m going out, tell mom I won’t be back for dinner.”
Without waiting for a response, Lexa grabs her keys, pulls her shoes on at the front door, and walks over to the nearby park. She sees a familiar blonde sitting alone at the top of the slides. Lexa climbs the play structure, silently taking a seat next to her.
They don’t speak for a while, Clarke is looking up at the sky and she seems to be deep in thought. She indicates that she’s aware of Lexa’s presence by laying her hand over hers. The brunette smiles slightly and turns her hand over to tangle their fingers together. It’s nothing new. They hold hands all the time. It just feels right.
Lexa doesn’t look away from Clarke’s face. She can’t help but think how beautiful she is. She admires the curve of her cheek, and the curl in her lashes. She admires wonder in her eyes, and the pink of her lips. God, her lips. Her eyes stay stuck there for a moment too long, and suddenly Clarke is shifting her gaze.
The wonder that was there when she looked at the sky is still there. Only she's looking at Lexa instead.
“Sorry I randomly called you out, I got bored,” Clarke laughs. The brunette pretends she wasn’t just thinking about her lips and prays that Clarke didn’t notice. “I hope you weren’t practicing,” she says, but by the way Clarke looks at the indents left on Lexa’s fingers, she knows that she was.
“It’s no problem, Anya was being annoying anyways.”
There’s another wave of silence. It’s okay though because it’s a comfortable silence. It says everything Lexa isn’t brave enough to say herself. It says ‘I just want to be near you,’ it says, ‘I missed you.’
“I missed you,” Clarke says aloud. She clearly has more guts. “California was fun and all, but I missed hanging out with you.”
Lexa doesn’t even fight the warmth that spreads through her chest. She stopped fighting it when their junior year ended a month ago. “I missed you too.” She squeezes Clarke’s hand a little.
“What were you thinking about earlier?” Clarke asks.
The brunette feels a blush rise to her cheeks, knowing what Clarke was referring to. “Nothing, just my next recital,” she says. But Clarke is giving her that look. “And that… you’re very beautiful.”
Now Clarke is blushing. She looks surprised, but then there’s a small smile on her face. “What else were you thinking?”
In a moment of weakness Lexa’s eyes flicker back down to her lips. “There wasn’t anything else,” she denies. She told herself that she was going to tell Clarke about her feelings, she had already decided when Clarke had left for California. Just not now. Eventually though.
“You know you can tell me,” Clarke insists, and Lexa thinks she sees her blue eyes flicker down to her own lips. It must be her imagination though. “I was probably thinking the same thing,” the blonde whispers. Lexa highly doubts that. She realizes then that she had been subconsciously leaning in. She’s about to back away when Clarke squeezes her hand again. “Don’t be afraid.”
And then she isn’t anymore. Lexa looks into Clarke’s eyes for confirmation and she thinks she sees it, so she leans in further, and closes her eyes.
***
Lexa sets her cello onto its side by the chair and walks up to the microphone. “Thank you all for coming here tonight. This is concert marks the end of my time with Foley Music Program and it’s the last performance that this particular group of people will be doing together. At least for now. If you would please give another round of applause for the four other talented musicians that played before me.” The audience complies and Lexa smiles down at the small group of people that have come to be her closest friends the last couple of years.
“While we were given the opportunity to go to school in Europe, I think we are all in agreement that the most invigorating part of the past four years was the musical training we received from the geniuses there. We learned so much and I will never forget my teacher. As strict and serious as she is, I’ve come to love my teacher dearly. Thank you for everything Indra.” There’s a short round of applause celebrating the woman sitting in the seat just in front of Anya. “We all made sacrifices to be here, and it was hard, but I don’t regret a second of it. I love being a musician, and I’m so excited to pursue music after this. I love this.”
***
Clarke loves this feeling.
Lexa’s lips are on hers, desperately seeking her out. It’s a hungry kiss, one that leaves them both breathless. The blonde is now straddling Lexa’s waist and soon Clarke is opening her mouth to let Lexa in as her hand tangles itself in her blonde hair. Their tongue’s dance together, still wanting more. Clarke slides her hand under Lexa’s shirt, running over her sides and eventually cupping her over her bra and drawing out a low moan.
“Shouldn’t you be practicing or something?” Clarke breathes.
Instead of answering, Lexa just presses her lips back onto her girlfriend’s. Clarke chuckles into her mouth, but it’s cut off with a quiet whimper as Lexa moves beneath her.
The brunette brings both of their bodies up without losing the warmth of Clarke’s lips, but she detaches them in favor of the blonde’s neck. There’s a hickey there already, left by another make out session from weeks ago. It’s fading, but Lexa places her mouth around it once more to reassert its place on her girlfriend’s body. One hand in Clarke’s hair, she places the other on her thigh, pulling her closer.
“Can I take this off?” Clarke asks, tugging at the hem of Lexa’s shirt. She receives a nod. The blonde brings the shirt over Lexa’s head and throws it to the side then quickly moves to kiss the newly exposed skin. Lexa shudders at the contact, instantly wanting more.
“You too,” Lexa pants. Clarke lifts her head and removes her own shirt. She leans in to capture Lexa’s lips again, but the brunette turns them around and lays Clarke on her back so she’s on top now. Lexa begins a slow trail down the other girl’s body. She gently nips at the spot just beneath Clarke’s breast knowing that it would draw a pleasant whimper from her lips. She travels down further, kissing just above her bellybutton, and then further. She places a soft kiss at her waistline, just above Clarke’s jeans.
The blonde gasps at the sensation and reaches down to bring Lexa’s lips back to her own, desperate for another kiss. Her hand finds its way around Lexa’s back and she tugs at her bra strap. Lexa removes it without question and goes back to kissing Clarke while the blonde runs her hand over her now bare breast.
As things get more heated, Lexa starts to grind her hips down to meet with Clarke’s and they're both moaning into the kiss. “Lexa,” Clarke breathes as Lexa’s mouth moves down to her collarbone. Lexa hums in response to her name. “Lexa, are we…” her question dies on her lips in a soft whimper. The two had certainly made out plenty of times in the two months of their relationship and a couple times it had happened when things became too heated, but each time Clarke had pulled back.
Each time Clarke’s heart would suddenly jump into her throat at the thought of losing her virginity and she’d tell Lexa that they should stop. The brunette, of course, backed away each time. She had lost her own virginity the summer after sophomore year with her girlfriend at the time, and was ready to take that step with Clarke, but she’d never dream of pushing her.
“Do you want to?” Lexa murmurs between kisses.
“My mom won’t be home tonight,” Clarke says in lieu of an answer. “Do you?” Lexa lifts herself up to look into her darkened eyes and gently lifts her hand to caress her cheek. The touch is so different from her previous ones that Clarke’s breath catches in her throat.
“Yes.” Despite her breathlessness, Lexa’s voice comes out confidently. “Are you sure?” Clarke nods her head, unable to find her voice but knowing that she’s ready. Lexa brings her lips back down to meet hers and things quickly pick back up again.
Lexa’s hand is trailing down her body, making its way to the button of her jeans, but Clarke notices the slight shaking in her movements. Clarke separates their lips and places the hand that isn’t tangled in brown curls over Lexa’s hand, pushing it further down encouragingly. “Don’t be afraid,” the blonde whispers.
And Lexa can’t help but smile a little. Here she was, the experienced one in this situation, and Clarke is telling her not to be afraid. She isn’t though. Not really. She just loves Clarke like she’s never loved anyone before, and she wants to make her feel good. She was suddenly worried that Clarke wouldn’t enjoy it. Enjoy her. But she pushes that fear from her mind.
“I’m not.”
***
Without this small support system, Lexa doesn’t think she would have been able to enjoy herself. “I’m honored to be the last one you hear tonight, but I have a few words to say before I begin playing.” Lexa takes a deep breath and scans the room one more time, hoping the person she most wants to hear this is there.
Please be here.
***
“Are you there?”
Lexa’s attention is brought back to the moment with a snap of her girlfriend’s fingers. “Sorry, I just got lost in thought.” Clarke sighs, smiling a little as she does. She curls herself into Lexa’s side again, using her shoulder as a pillow as they lay in her bed.
“What’s new?” she teases. “Thinking about your audition?”
The brunette nods, knowing Clarke would feel it. “I really need this scholarship. I need to get into the t-“
“The top five contestants, I know. Lexa, you’ll be fine.”
“What do you know? You quit orchestra last year,” Lexa teases.
Clarke scoffs. “I’m more of a visual artist,” she states proudly. “We both know I wasn’t much good at the viola.”
“Hmm, that’s true, you did kind of suck.” That earns a soft smack from Clarke that leaves them both laughing. “But I still love you anyways.” Lexa says it with such seriousness, making sure Clarke knows that she means it. She says it this way every time, and Clarke never gets tired of it.
“I love you too,” the blonde smiles fondly, and tilts her head up for a chaste kiss. “Don’t worry about the audition. You’ve been practicing nonstop since you heard about it. Honestly I think you’re going to get first place.”
“Yeah right. I don’t want to get first anyways. First place cellist gets a full ride scholarship to the top music school in Europe along with four other kids that got first place in their instrument category,” Lexa sighed. She knew she had no chance of getting first place, but she was sure she could at least make top five.
“You don’t want to go Europe for college?” Clarke asked, laughing a little. Her hand was now tracing patterns on the exposed strip of Lexa’s stomach where her shirt had ridden up, effectively distracting Lexa from the question she just asked. “Anyone else would jump at the opportunity.”
“I don’t want…” she hesitates.
“You don’t want what?”
Lexa takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to be away from you,” she admits. They had only been girlfriends for about four months, since Clarke came back from her summer vacation, but they were best friends two years before and it felt so much longer than that.
Still she was afraid that maybe she was being too clingy. It was senior year, most high school relationships didn’t last long beyond that. In fact most of them break it off right after graduation to make it easier. But Lexa didn’t want that. She wanted a future with this girl. The two hadn’t discussed what they would do after high school yet though, and she wasn’t sure of her stance on the subject.
Clarke doesn’t reply with words. Instead she is pushing herself up, putting distance between her and Lexa, and for a second the brunette starts to panic. Lexa quickly tries to rack her brain for the words she could use to take back what she just said, but Clarks is looking at her with different eyes now. She’s looking at her with blue eyes that are unmistakably filled to the brim with love, and then she’s leaning forward, pressing herself onto Lexa’s body, and kissing her.
It’s a gentle kiss. It’s much like the first one they had shared that day in the park. After a minute or two, Clarke pulls away, but only a little. “I don’t want that either.” And the words mean so much more than just that. It’s a confirmation. It’s a way for her to say ‘I want a future too.’
“What if we go to colleges that are too far away from-“
“Shhh,” Clarke places a finger to her lips. “Then we’ll work it out. Don’t be afraid.”
“I won’t be if you’re there.”
***
“I think I speak for all of us when I say that it was hard to leave home. The people we loved were here in the states, and the training and school over there was rigorous. But it was worth it. I have learned so much from this program and I’m so grateful to have been given this opportunity.”
“Woo! Go Lexa!” Lincoln, the man who won the percussionist scholarship, yells.
Lexa laughs at his silliness, knowing that their director would be very angry at his outburst. “I can honestly say that these four people are my best friends. I didn’t think I’d be saying that when I first met them.”
***
“Lexa, you haven’t even met them,” Clarke says in exasperation.
“I don’t have to meet them, they seem like a bunch music of snobs.”
Clarke gives her a look. “Lexa, you’re a music snob. You’ll fit right in.”
Lexa sighs, reaching for Clarke’s hand to squeeze it. She had gotten it. First place. She won. After the first few moments of happiness and pride had settled, Lexa was left with another feeling of fear. Currently, she is torn. On one hand it is an amazing opportunity, but on the other she’d be leaving everything behind. She didn’t much care for going to far off places. She wasn’t too big on travel. Places didn’t matter to her, people did. And all her people are here, in Arkadia. Clarke is here.
“Look at me.” Clarke urges her. “What’s the real reason you don’t want to meet them?”
The brunette meets Clarke’s blue gaze. God, she loved her eyes. “Clarke. I already told you. I don’t want to leave you.” She clenches her jaw.
“Oh, Lex.” Clarke pulls her in so that she can hug Lexa on her couch. She remembered the conversation. It had been months ago, closer to the beginning of the school year. It was when they had admitted that this relationship meant more than they let on for the first time. “As much as I don’t want that either, I won’t let you pass up this opportunity.”
Lexa nuzzles further into the crook of Clarke’s neck, trying to find comfort in the smell of her skin. “But what about us?”
“We’ll have a long distance relationship. People do it all the time.”
“I can’t ask you to wait for me.”
“You’re not asking, I’m telling you. I will wait for you to come back.” Clarke’s voice is firm. It’s the voice she uses when she’s made a decision.
“Clarke, I’ll only be able to see you once a year in the summer. I will only be here four times over the next four years.”
“And we’ll make the most of each summer. We’ll call each other whenever we can, and skype. Lexa, I love you. I’ll wait. And at the end, when you’re back here, I’ll be the first one to congratulate you after your welcome back concert.”
“You better be.” The blonde hugs her closer, and she feels Lexa let a few tears onto her neck. She rubs her hand up her back and scratches gently at her brown hair.
“Don’t be afraid.”
Usually those three words would bring her strength, but Lexa found that she was still very much afraid.
***
“Without further ado, I would like to perform for you all a piece that I composed myself.”
Lexa walks back over to the chair and sits herself down. She picks her cello and her bow up, and her fingers glide up and down the strings, feeling at home. She waits for the applause to die down into complete silence. Here, in that moment right before her bow moves across the strings, in this silence that holds the potential of either chaos or peace, is her most favorite part of performing. It is the calm before the storm.
She breathes in that moment and places the hair of her bow down. The first note is the most important of each piece. It decides how well the performance can be and where it will go from there. Lexa’s first note echoes across the silence of the auditorium, strong and pure, and it is that moment that she feels like there nothing she can’t do.
***
Lexa can’t do this. It’s too much. She’s been on the phone with Clarke for about two hours now.
“Clarke, please say something.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Anything,” Lexa begs. She needs to hear Clarke talk. She needs to hear her voice, because this might be the last time she’ll get to hear it while she’s still in Europe.
“Lexa. I love you. I will always love you.”
She can’t see her, but Lexa knows that Clarke is crying. Lexa is too. “I’ll always love you too.”
“So is this it?”
“I guess so.” There’s such a finality to their words and Lexa can’t help but want to take it all back. But she can’t. She won’t.
“I’m sorry we couldn’t make the distance work. I know I promised-“
“It’s okay. It’s my fault too. At least this way we can end on good terms. I don’t want us to hate each other because of this.”
“I could never hate you.”
Lexa smiles at that, and a sob escapes her mouth. “Neither could I.”
“You’re crying.”
“You are too.” This is painful for both of them. They had been fighting a lot over the past year; Lexa’s second year into the program, with another two years left. The two tried to work it out time and time again, but it was getting to be too painful.
There was no mistaking that they loved each other, and they were so willing to wait for each other, but it wasn’t fair to either of them. They decided to let each other go, at least for the next two years. “I don’t think I can do this.”
“I can’t either, but it’s better this way.” Clarke hears Lexa’s breath stutter over the line and her heart clenches. “Lexa, don’t be afraid.” Lexa almost laughs at that.
“My biggest fear was losing you. I don’t think there’s anything left to be afraid of.”
***
The piece had started of slowly, building into a sweet symphony of reminiscence. Lexa sways with the music, passion in every fiber of her being, flowing through her smoothly like the notes coming from her cello. The audience is left enthralled by the performance, they can almost feel the emotion Lexa is emanating within themselves, a few even bring their hands up to wipe away their tears.
Lexa is completely unaware of her effect on the people though because she’s lost in her own emotions. She had been working on this piece for the past three years and those who knew her would probably be able to tell what it was about. Soon sweet became sorrow and there were actual tears forming in her own eyes.
She pulls the bow across the strings it what sounds like a final note, taking a rest and then continuing with a grand pause. There is a brief moment where someone who must not have been a musician of any sort starts clapping, but it quickly dies when that person realizes that no one else had clapped. Lexa had neither put her bow down nor stood up yet. She brings the hair of the bow back onto the strings and begins again, the tone has changed again. It’s hopeful now. Light and airy, full of potential and happiness.
Yes. Lexa still had hope.
Her piece does end eventually and she stands, smiling and bowing. The audience is standing for her and she can’t describe how it feels to take in that sight. She’d given up so much to pursue her music and at this moment she felt like it was all completely worth it.
She exits the stage and the lights out in the auditorium are back on. Lexa meets with her fellow musicians and hugs them all back stage. She tries not to cry, but she can’t help a few tears that escape and travel down her cheeks. Most of them live very far away, but they all promise to stay in touch. Then there is Lincoln who actually only lives in the next town over from hers, and ended up becoming her best friend as well. “I think that’s the best I’ve ever seen you play,” he says.
“Oh my god, was that a compliment? From Lincoln? No, it couldn’t be.”
“Shut up, Lex. I’m trying to make our last concert together special.”
Bellamy, the trumpeter, is laughing from where he stands next to Lincoln. “That can’t be true. He isn’t wrong though. You played beautifully today. And that piece, it felt so… personal.”
Ontari and Echo join them. “I’m going to miss you guys so much.”
“Hey, don’t talk like that. We’re all staying in touch and one day maybe we’ll be able to live near each other!” Ontari says excitedly. She was always the optimist of the group. The reality was that Ontari lives in New York, Bellamy lives in Texas, and Echo lives in Michigan, while Lincoln and Lexa live in the Pacific North West.
“Come on, our families are waiting out in the lobby. We’ll meet up in my room again later right? Eleven?” Bellamy asks. The five of them had plans to hang out together in Bellamy’s hotel room one last time while they were all still in the same city, before Bellamy, Ontari, and Echo flew out from Portland, and Lexa and Lincoln made drives back with their own families.
“Definitely.” Lexa smiles. They all walk out through the hall that connects the backstage with the lobby and they all separate as soon as they see people they recognize until Lexa's the only one left unclaimed. God dammit, Anya’s probably complaining about her feet and saying that she doesn’t want to walk.
She searches the crowd for her sister, accepting peoples’ complements as she walks through with the usual head nods, polite smiles and then an added “Oh, thank you so much!” and then she finally saw the back of sister’s head in the distance. She was talking with her parents and Raven Reyes is standing with her arm around Anya’s waist. Lexa feels her mouth quirk up into a sly smirk and she begins walking towards them, already formulating the jokes she could use in her head, when she feels a light tap on her shoulder.
Lexa turns her head expecting to see another person she doesn’t recognize, ready to accept another “You sounded amazing!” or “My child wants to be a cellist just like you one day.” But that’s not the sight she’s greeted with.
Instead she sees blue.
God, her eyes are still so blue.