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Keith met Lance's glare from across the training room, and he thinks he might be the only one who noticed it wasn't as real as it used to be. He didn't know what about it was different, but it was. His smirk was more of a smile, and something about his expression was more playful than mean, maybe the way his nose was scrunched up? Keith hasn't had friends in too long for him to make any accurate or meaningful observations beyond Keith could just tell.
Or maybe Keith wasn't the only one who noticed, because instead of scolding then, Shiro just smiled at them, and continued coaching Pidge in some hand to hand combat.
Lance walked over to Keith, and sat next to him. He nudged Keith in the side with his elbow, hard, but not as hard as he would have a month ago, "Give me your water."
Keith took another gulp of water before he spoke, but his,"No," still came out a little hoarse, but if Lance noticed, he ignored it. Keith coughed, but it didn't really help. "It's not like you did anything hard."
Lance huffed, pretending to be offended, "Oh shut up. I did good today, better than you." He took Keith's water, and Keith didn't fight, mostly because he was right, he's been doing really well lately, once he started relaxing.
Keith tried to be subtle as he watched Lance chug the water, and he took a deep breath, a swallowed a lump in his throat, before looking down at his feet, ignoring any fluttering in his stomach.
-
Keith hears Lance before he sees him, hears him singing along to whatever pop song he was listening to, and Keith thanks any gods there are in the cosmos for that, because he has time to compose himself. He glares at his lap until his face cools.
There's almost no point, because Lance, of course, is dancing along, and Keith's face heats up again, and he clinches and unclinches his fist just to give him something to distract himself with, because of course Lance can sing and dance like something out of a movie, perfect and beautiful, that makes Keith so aware of just how bad this is.
He doesn't say that. "You're the worst," Keith says instead, and Lance makes a face, but he's smiling, and Keith guesses he wasn't incredibly convincing. Normally, he'd be worried, terrified that Lance will find him out and everything will go wrong, but with Lance smiling at him like that, big and bright and not forced or fake. It's wide and spreading over his whole face, and Keith keeps his worry to minimum.
"You know you love me."
"I know my ears are bleeding." Keith says, and he doesn't smile back, but he can't make himself deny it, no matter how much he wants to.
-
Lance is beautiful.
Keith knows it's weird and wrong and probably more than a little creepy, but in times like these, when they're sitting in the control room with the stars everywhere and with the universe stretched out in front of him, Keith can't quite care that's it's weird if he watches (stares at) his friend too much.
Keith knows how much effort Lance puts into his appearance, and Keith appreciates these moment so, where everything is peaceful, and he can admit that it works, even if it's only to himself. That Lance's skincare routine does in fact leave his skin glowing, brighter than the stars that surround him, make him so noticeable, even out here. It makes him incredible, eye catching, even when he's surrounded by galaxies and alien worlds that Keith should be more interested in than a boy who tells the worst jokes.
Keith thinks it's kind of funny that he spent his whole life looking up to the stars, and now that he's here, all he wants is to hold someone's hand. He could have done that on Earth, and he wouldn't have to be terrified for his life all the time.
That's not true, he feels safer in space, with guns pointed at his head then he ever would have back on Earth, holding a guy's hand.
-
Lance is still Lance, and he flirts with pretty girls, and every time, without fail, Keith's heart snaps in half. It's ridiculous, they're not dating, they never would date, they never could date, and Lance would never want to date him, and it would never happen, not in Keith's life, but Keith still manages to get hurt every time.
Keith always thought you had to hope to get hurt.
-
When Keith was 13, he had his first real crush. Keith had blushed, and stammered, and brushed his hair, and fidgeted when they spoke. It was kind of nice, when Keith was little he always really wanted to fall in love.
His friends laughed at him, and said if they didn't know better, they would think he was gay. Keith laughs with them, with his heart in his stomach, and his eyes burning. "Yeah, you'd beat me up." They nod, and it's not a joke, they would, they might, they will.
It's surprisingly easy to isolate himself after that. As awful the loneliness is, it's better than that, better than laughing when people say they hate him. Better than saying it too.
-
It should have been harder now, because these are better friends, and he's never felt that uncomfortable around them, and they've never said a word, not even when Pidge came out, no one said a thing.
No one said it was okay though, everyone has carefully avoided the topic.
It was much easier than it should have been, isolating himself again. It's lonely, and it hurts, but more than anything, he feels relieved, not having to worry all the time.
-
Everyone is worried. Shiro pulls him aside after a battle and tells him so. "We miss you," He says it, and he means it.
Keith loves Shiro, and trusts him with his life, but he doesn't trust him with this. And Keith definitely doesn't trust himself not to break down, so he takes a leaf out of Lance's book, and he glares, "Fuck off."
Shiro isn't deterred, and he grabs Keith's shoulder, "Keith, you're a part of the team-"
Keith runs off, and trains until he can't feel his eyes burning.
-
"Can we talk?" Lance says one day. His face is scrunched in worry, and he fiddles with his thumbs.
Keith guesses he can't put this off forever, so he shrugs and let's Lance pull him away from the training dummy, and he ignores his tingling skin.
"Is something wrong." It's not a question, but Keith treats it as one.
"Why would something be?" He takes gulp after gulp of water, even though he's not thirsty. Even after it hurts to swallow. It's not long, his throat has been sore, he's been crying too much.
Lance sighs, and puts his head in his hands, "I don't know? I thought we were getting along."
Like that wasn't the problem. Like that wasn't why Keith stopped talking, like that wasn't why everything had gone to shit. Keith doesn't respond, just glares off to some unknown point, and Lance gets angry too.
He purses his lips, and shakes his head, just a little, "Am I wrong?"
Keith shrugs, and it's easier than talking.
"Well?" Lance asks, voice sharpening, getting defensive. Keith swallows, he's hurting him. He still doesn't talk though, he still knows if he talks, he'll cry and if he'll cry, hell tell, and if he tells,
"Fine." Lance gets up and leaves, and Keith cries the second he's sure Lance won't be able to hear him.
-
They fight more than they ever have. Every time they're in the room together, it a screaming match. Lance is screaming, and his insults aren't any better than they used to be, they're worse, but he means them more. He says it with bite, and there's something behind his words. He hates Keith, he actually hates him, Keith screams back, like he hates him too.
He screams and alternates between putting no emotion into it, keeping all of the hurt, all of this, all of everything in his head, and no one will know, and putting everything behind his words, the resentment, the fear, the god awful hate, the pain and the anger and the hurting, and throwing them all at Lance, because he caused this. He deserves this. Keith wants him to feel what he's feeling. He wants Lance to hurt over this too, he wants Lance to hurt every time he looks at Keith, every time he thinks about Keith. He wants him to hurt when he's falling asleep.
He wants him to want to hold his hand. He wants him to think about him when he falls asleep, and he wants Lance to love him too.
-
He doesn't go train anymore, Shiro tries to talk to him, and he can't go anywhere, because everyone is concerned, Pidge will corner him in the halls, Coran will take too long to serve him, trying to coax conversation out of him, Hunk knocks on his door and gives him food when he doesn't go out, (which is most of the time now), and stays out there for a while. Allura will call more drills, just to get him out of his room.
He sits in his room and sulks and cries and waits for disaster to strike.
There's a knock on his door, and Lance lets himself in without Keith answering. "Talk to me."
"No." He says, and Keith doesn't even have time to wipe his eyes before Lance is in front of him, and he's glaring, but he's concerned and he's not leaving, and he holds Keith to his chest, and Keith can't breathe and he can't think and he can't even cry. "I'm done fighting with you. Tell me what's wrong."
Keith feels like he might scream. He wants to shove Lance off of him, leave and never look back, he'll live on an alien planet and never think about his team again. They'll find someone else to pilot Red, and he won't ever have to think about Lance again, not how he holds Keith close, and rubs his back, and holds him like he cares, like this isn't all Keith wants, like this isn't the worst moment of Keith's life.
Keith's voice comes out strained, weak and wobbly, and he sounds like he's going to sob. "I'm not going to apologize." It's not his fault. It's not Lance's fault either, but it isn't Keith's and he won't say sorry.
"Okay." Lance says, voice too calm. "Just tell me what's wrong."
Keith shakes his head and cries. He sobs into Lance's shoulder and clings to him like a lifeline, like he's the only thing keeping him afloat instead of the waves pulling him under, crashing against his face and hitting him so hard it burns.
-
Lance is back to normal after that, and Keith supposes that means he should be too, so they're back to playful bickering, and Keith's heart pounding so hard it hurts. They don't fight, and they get along, and Keith talks to everyone again, and everyone seems relieved. He is too, despite everything, Keith loves everyone on the team, and he missed them. He missed them a lot.
-
They rescue a princess, maybe a week after Keith starts talking again, and she kisses another girl, right on the lips, right in front of everyone. She's not even afraid.
Keith is afraid enough for her. He looks over at each of his team mates, looking for disgust, recoil, something, anything. Shiro smiles at them, says they're lovely together, and that he's honored to have returned her back safely. Hunk coos over them. Pidge gives them a smile, and Lance.
Lance just huffs and leans over to Pidge, "I knew there was a reason she wasn't responding to my flirting."
Pidge rod their eyes, "Yeah, she can hear." Lance shoves them, and they laugh, and the girls laugh too, and they say things, everyone says a lot of things, but Keith doesn't hear any of it.
Lance would laugh, say he's so great, even the guys are falling for him, but he would smile, like he did to the princess, to show he was kidding. Keith thinks he could live with that.
-
Feeling safe was new.
He didn't feel safe as Voltron, there were guns firing at them, and screaming and the smell of fire, the smell of space, was everywhere, and sometimes it was suffocating, it smelled like war, it smelled like Keith's impending death. It smelled like his friend's death, it smelt like this absolute fear, horror, it smelt like the fate of the world on his shoulders.
But after a battle, when no one was hurt, and everything was fine, and Keith and everyone else was sure everything would be fine for at least a few hours, when they were exhausted and half collapsing on each other as soon as they touched down.
In those moments, Keith feels safe enough to fall into Shiro as they walk, safe enough to pat Hunk's shoulder on the way in, and safe enough to be pulled into his side in a hug, a tired hug, but still a good one, as far as Keith can tell. He feels safe enough to throw his arm around Pidge's shoulders when they bump into him a little. He smiles genuinely at Allura, and wishes her goodnight.
He feels safe enough to smile warmly at Lance, and not hide his blush when he smiles back.
He goes to bed, and for the first time in so long, he's not terrified. He goes to bed that night, and his last thought before he falls asleep, is that he thinks he might just tell someone. Maybe Pidge, they told him their secret, he should tell them, it's only fair. Also, out of everyone, Keith thinks they would understand the best. Or Shiro, who he trusts with his heart and soul. Or Hunk, who hasn't ever said a mean thing about anyone as far as Keith knows, and has always made a point to make sure Keith knew they were friends. Allura would offer support, and would smile at him, and touch his shoulder. Even Coran wouldn't say something bad.
He even would consider telling Lance, who makes the warmest smiles, and makes Keith's insides feel warm, and Keith thinks that, even if Lance knew, they could be friends.
Keith very pointedly doesn't tell anyone the next day, but he still feels like, if he did, it would be okay, and as of right now, that's enough.
-
"I'm gay." Keith doesn't look at Pidge when he says it, more than three weeks after he decided that he should. He doesn't feel safe anymore, he feels his heart beating out of his chest, and his stomach drops and flips and does more acrobatics than Keith can, and he regrets the words before they're even out of his mouth, but he can't say anything to take it back, so he sits with his eyes squeezed shut, as he tries to breathe.
"Cool." Pidge says, and Keith looks over at them, and they're not even looking at him. He's not sure they even heard him.
"I said I'm gay."
"I said cool. Do you want me to make a big deal out of it?" They ask, still tinkering on their robot. "I can if you want."
Keith feels safe again, and his heart feels lighter and everything is warm and nice he still feels stressed, but it's different. He has hope, he thinks things might be fine. "No."
"You sure? Ive been told I'm good at helping someone out during a gay freak out." They're smiling though, and it's nice to joke about this.
"Who told you that?"
"You think I'm going to tell? I don't out people, that's not cool."
"It was a test." It wasn't, but he felt a lot better knowing now that Pidge wouldn't tell, even if someone asked.
Pidge makes a disbelieving noise, and Keith leans back, looks out the window, and not for the first time, he's so glad he left Earth behind.
-
He tells Shiro later the same day, and he does make a deal out of it, he pulls Keith into a hug, and says he loves him. Keith blushes into his chest, and tears up as he says thank you.
-
Hunk smiles at him and asks him to help him train.
-
Coran doesn't know what the word means, but when Keith explains, he offers nothing but support.
-
Allura kisses him on the cheek.
-
He tells Lance when they're sitting in the control room again, watching the stars and the universe and everything beautiful. Lance doesn't respond, not beyond a small smile, and a faint, "Yeah."
Keith doesn't know what that means.
Keith feels safe, he feels loved, and not afraid. Keith feels in love, and not heart broken over it. It's easy and warm and it makes his heart flutter in a good way, and this is what Keith wanted, back when he was little and wanted to be in love. This is what it was supposed to be like, confusing and warm and scary, but scary in a good way, like piloting was.
If a younger him saw himself now, he would be proud. He would be happy, and excited to get to this point, even if it amounts to nothing, even if Lance doesn't like him back, even if this ends in heartbreak and rejection, because right now, right now Keith is in love and he's happy about it.
Keith thinks about a younger him when he reaches out and grabs Lance's hand, and he does it for him, the him that wouldn't, the one that was afraid, but mostly, he was doing it for the him now, the one that wanted to.