Work Text:
Phil lester was happy, he tried very hard not to exaggerate his feelings, because that’s an issue he normally has, but he is happy and it still feels like a not so fitting suit but he knows he will get there, mostly because he likes the destination.
Phil has his routines, his little ticks and his famous busy brain, he might have worked on a lot of his issues in therapy but some things are just a personality treat fighting them, he learned, wasn’t productive or smart, that was something he had to learn the hard way and since he was thinking about his favorite person on earth, his Dan, he was allowing the busy brain.
They just reacted to videos of them celebrating Christmas at different times of their lives and he is still feeling overwhelmed with the experience, phil doesn’t watch his old videos ever for him it’s one and done, so experiencing those videos again was a lot for him, it was fun but it was emotionally a lot.
Unlike Dan, phil didn’t find their past selves cringe, he honestly thought they were mostly funny and earnest, at the start there was no calculation, no agendas or secrets just two kids doing the best they could, when reacting to those old videos he mostly watches dan, calculating the passage of years or their mental health status from just watching his face, fetus Dan in the tree video excited and excitable not caring really about the optics of them basically living together in a one room, if he watches closely which he hates doing but can’t stop himself, he can see the stress increasing in each pinof video, can maybe determine the exact moment it stopped being fun and started being a job, then stopped being a job and started being a burden at least for Dan.
In the festive day of life video it was still in the in between, he can clearly see the stress in Dan eyes, effects of not sleeping that well, but he was still having fun, still not hating most parts of their existence, still being able to enjoy Christmas, still innocent enough not to realize the gay implications of waiting to have anime breakfast but moving away from the same room arc.
Every time he sees the videos on the timeline or reacts to them he gets overwhelmed with his stupid love for his boyfriend, he still loves fetus Dan with his chaos and problematic humor he always feels thankful for his bravery and fearlessness in going after phil because he got them there and for that he will always have a place of honor in phil’s heart, he loves pre depression Dan with his caution and still ability to have fun and be whimsy, he even loves suicidal Dan, even if he never wishes to ever see him again, with his aching vulnerability and Sad eyes, he loves all of them maybe but all of that love gets eclipsed time and time again every time he sees Dan smile nowadays, happiness looks gorgeous on the man and phil takes every single laugh line on his face as personal badge of honor.
They sat together pre coming out, with lists of pro and cons and a large list of boundaries if they did it, the positive responses they got were overwhelming in a lot of ways and the happiness of being out has already taken them to far away from those boundaries that they set, no one was dragging them now, they were exposing things themselves, part of it out of happiness, part of it is a take this way, yes we sleep in the same bed and we have been doing so for 16 years, so fuck you and your stupid assumptions very much, it was something that always irked phil that he couldn’t stop himself from debunking it in the first 5 minutes of their podcast, it was one his mom’s very first relationship advice for him even before he knew what a relationship was when he noticed people on TV or friends parents maybe sleeping on the couch or a different room she would tell him you don’t abandon your marital bed when there is a problem or the times are hard, you stay and confront issues and it was a gospel to him to this day, he could fight with Dan, they could slam doors or even leave the house in anger but they have to come back at the end of the day, no sleeping in other place in anger.
And things went downhill for the podcast from that moment but in a fun way for phil, he loved when dan got possessive and comfortable enough to overshare and as long as his boyfriend was giving clear consent to sharing he was all in, he will have to pay attention to any discomfort or awkwardness but so far, they are in blessed state.
They both had things they wanted to address anyway, the bed for phil and the bottoming thing for Dan who repeatedly asked Phil if he minded him implying this About their sex life and honesty phil never really cared about the implications of sex positions in people minds, anyone in a long term relationship will tell you that if you are with someone long enough if you will end up trying every sex combination possible, variety is important in a monogamous relationship but what would he know it’s not like he managed a very challenging relationship for 16 years, he knew people were in love with their social constructs and stereotypes, he accepted it and mostly he made peace with it and learned to use people prejudices to get what is best for him and his boyfriend.
He was just glad more people were noticing how amazing Dan is, he sometimes wanted to scream his love from mountain tops if he didn’t know Dan will combust from shyness, people see the love eyes, the jealousy, the extra dessert he got him when he was being a baby about cheese but they don’t see the deeper stuff because they aren’t as flashy, talking him down in his food related Panics, pushing him to get therapy for his health anxiety, helping set food habits to make his managing his migraines easier and then sticking to the same habits even though he didn’t need to, how he noticed certain topics that he gets annoyed by and doesn’t wanna talk about and he knew Dan told their producers to pay attention to those triggers without even saying a word to phil
He felt Dan entering the balcony and put his arms around his waist, “what are you doing up and out in the cold pip? “
Phil leans back on him, he was always so so warm for him
“ thinking about this guy, the love of my life, some would say”
“and who is this lucky guy, that you will probably demand I go fight “ he talks softly will just moving phil inside and closing the balcony door, it’s cold and he feels that phil is not dressed appropriately
“mmm well he is a fetus, so no you can’t go and fight him”
Dan gets what he is saying groans and laughs out loud, that lovely laugh “fetus Dan, that guy is lucky you were blind as bat and chronically nice”
Phil stops him, tiptoes a bit to give him a soft kiss and tug at his hair , “I have loved you in all your phases Howell and I will love you when we are old and gray racing our chairs in the retirement home, so be kind to my chaotic fetus please, he got you to me after all”
“I love you so much, phil”
And they sleep in each other arms in their forever bed, and no it isn’t perfect, because there is no magical cure for depression or anxiety, they like everything else needs hard work and persistence to be better, some days Dan will have nightmares and wake phil up and some days will wine snore disturbing Dan, the builders will come with their nonsense and people will never really stop being intrusive but yeah none of them was really afraid of hard work