Chapter Text
echoes
Saru looks very solemn, and Tilly's first thought is that something else terrible has happened.
"Saru, what's wrong?"
He tilts his head. "Nothing's wrong. I was entrusted with a- a gift for you. To my shame, I had forgotten in all the upheaval, but I found it just now and did not want to delay any longer."
"A gift?"
Saru draws a box from his pocket. It's square, made of an unfamiliar wood. He hands it over; it's smooth and warm in Tilly's palm.
"What is it?"
"I have no idea. Before Captain Pike left Discovery, he asked me to give this to you."
"Captain Pike?" Her voice has suddenly gone very high-pitched. It's one of her biggest regrets about that day, that she never got to say a proper goodbye to Pike, to thank him one last time for his confidence in her.
"You were in engineering; there was no time for him to come looking for you. Control was about to arrive. So he gave it to me, for safekeeping. I'm only sorry it took me so long."
"That's okay." She never imagined Pike would leave her a gift, take any moment in all that chaos to get it to her. What could it possibly be? She's almost afraid to open it, afraid she's going to cry over whatever's inside.
"I can give you your privacy-" Saru starts.
"No! No, Saru." She pats the bed beside her. "Come sit with me? Please?"
After a moment's hesitation, he does.
Tilly takes a deep breath, and opens the box. Inside, lying like a jewel on the deep green velvet lining, is- "Oh!" she says, "oh, it's-"
"Tilly?"
She needs a moment. Or several. She's already crying. Fuck, what is she supposed to feel about this?
She holds it out for Saru to see.
"Oh. That... is a very lovely thing," he says quietly.
She nods. "It's a Vulcan lunar moth." Her voice cracks. She runs her fingers over the smooth enamel. She can't wrap her brain around it.
She was expecting, oh, maybe a note, some bon mot about how to be a good captain, or if she were being exceedingly sentimental and optimistic, maybe his Discovery delta. This is... so beautiful, so specific. Something he found for her. Nothing else makes sense.
She's touched and moved, and also mad that she can't thank him, and okay, maybe demand to know what it means. And her heart hurts. A literal ache. How is that even possible?
"Tilly?"
Saru seems deeply concerned when she turns to look at him, but she's sitting here with tears rolling down her cheeks and a very clearly personal, meaningful gift from her captain, so she can't blame him. "I'm sorry," she says, "I'm just... having a tiny breakdown, I guess."
"Tilly, I hesitate to even ask, but were you and Captain Pike... closer than I was given to believe?"
Tilly giggles wetly. "No, nothing like that." How does she explain? "I- he was... kind. He always treated me as if I was capable of anything I set my mind to, and it helped me believe in myself. And-" she laughs at the memory "-one day I said I was just a moth, because, you know, I'm an engineer, and moths, well I thought moths were kind of boring and beige, and that's how I felt about myself. And he said that if I was a moth, I was this moth." The memory is bittersweet now. "He used to call me Ensign Moth when I was feeling down, and it always made me smile. He made me feel... extraordinary." She shakes her head. "I can't believe he saw this and thought of me."
"I can." Saru clasps her shoulder gently; she leans into his touch. "The captain was rather... fond of you," he says. "Maybe more so than I ever realised. You were special to him, and he was very proud of you."
Tilly takes a shuddery breath. Hearing Saru say it makes it more real.
When he continues, it's in a much lower, softer voice, as if he's sharing a secret. "I can see why this would remind him of you, and also why he might hesitate to give such a gift to his ensign until it was very nearly too late."
She gulps. "Because it would be..."
"Christopher Pike would have been keenly aware of his duty toward you, as a captain to his junior officer. I think it's safe to say he cared about you a great deal, Tilly."
"Oh." She could scream. Did he realise she cared too? She wants to punch a hole through time to go thank him, maybe yell at him a little, then hug him, for starters. Oh, she can't do this; it hurts too much. "I think I was in love with him, Saru," she whispers. It's the first time she's admitted it even to herself. "Probably still am. And now he's dead, he's been dead for centuries; he gave me this beautiful, thoughtful gift, and I can't even say thank you."
"Oh, Tilly."
"I miss him."
It aches. But at least she's not facing it on her own.
~ fin ~