Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Remind Me Again

*************
1 - Not Broken, Bent

Two Voyager’s trapped in place as they inhabited the same space and time. One was severely damaged by the other's attempts to free itself, while the other soon found itself under attack by a race known for harvesting the organs and tissue of its victims.

While both crews hoped to escape the situation, it was inevitably made clear that only one would make it, as the other would need to make the ultimate sacrifice. Though one ship was crippled, it was the other that knew they would need to clear the way for their damaged counterparts as their vessel was boarded and the crew began to fall to the invaders.

After conferring with his counterpart, Commander Chakotay was certain of what needed to be done, and, urging Captain Kathryn Janeway into motion through their vessel while he defended against the invaders prowling the corridors, as he brought them into sickbay, he was at first fearful that the newborn he sought had been taken. Though when the sound of the infant's cries met their ears, they quickly discovered the Doctor attempting to shield the tiny life, and praising the holographic man for his actions, the baby was placed into the Captain’s arms before she was again urged into motion.

While Chakotay didn’t speak of what he planned to do, as they neared the rift that had appeared between the two Voyagers, it dawned on Kathryn’s panicked mind what it was that he intended, and pushing back against the arm he held around her, she turned her gaze up to him, “We’re sending her through?” She questioned with a nod to the baby she held.

Fully aware of the fight he would be in for should he attempt to correct her assumption, Chakotay nodded as he urged her to continue moving, “The other Voyager,” he explained shortly, “They lost her because of what we did.”

With his simple reasoning, not something she could find fault with, Kathryn again moved at a quick pace. She knew that it would be for the best to allow the infant to live on, though, when they neared the location they sought to find the corridor empty, she again pushed back against Chakotay’s hold when he attempted to urge her forward into the rift, “No,” she said defiantly as her hold tightened on the baby in her arms.

“Please, Kathryn!” Insisted Chakotay as he attempted to continue forward against her resistance, “Someone has to take her through.”

“Someone else!” Countered Kathryn firmly, “I am not abandoning our ship and crew!”

Because he didn’t have the time to bring her around to his way of thinking, Chakotay heaved a heavy sigh as he cast his gaze around them before he settled it on her, “They’ve lost her,” he said firmly, “And they’ve also lost you. Can you really walk away from a Voyager who’s lost its Captain?”

Slowly shaking her head, Kathryn pulled in a deep breath, “That’s not fair,” she blew out, “You know… But, how do I leave you?!”

“You can’t think about that,” returned Chakotay, “You’ll see. I’m already there… Waiting for you.”

“No, you’re not!” Choked out Kathryn as tears began to fill her eyes, “He’s not you.”

“But he is,” eased Chakotay, “You can’t really expect me to let you stay. They need you, and… I need you to go.”

As tears began to roll down her cheeks, Kathryn shook her head defiantly, “You’re asking too much!” She insisted tearfully.

“Maybe I am,” relented Chakotay easily, “But my mind is made.”

Again shaking her head, Kathryn suddenly found herself abruptly jerked to the side an instant before the beam of an energy weapon flew past, and Chakotay raised the phaser he held to strike down the invader who had appeared. When his gaze returned to her, she couldn’t contain the helpless and breathy sob that escaped her, “Chakotay!” She cried softly.

“We’re out of time,” returned Chakotay as he pulled Kathryn to the rift's edge, “You have to go now! Survive and live for the both of us!”

Heedlessly kissed, Kathryn wanted nothing more than to cling to the man she loved. Though she had no control as he abruptly turned her and pushed her forward into the rift that would separate them to leave her stumbling through to the other Voyager, where she was brought to a sudden stop as two sets of hands grasped her arms to keep her from tumbling over the debris scattered along the corridor in her path.

Quickly escorted from the rift that led to her home, Kathryn looked back over her shoulder as her heart began to break before she pulled in a deep and steadying breath. Because she knew that she had no chance to return to where she had come from, as she was urged into a turbolift, she passed the infant she held to Kes at her side and requested that Harry Kim take her to the bridge.

There, while Harry hurried to his station, Kathryn came to a sudden halt as the sight of Chakotay standing in the center of the space gave her pause. Even knowing that he wasn’t the same, her heart sang before the call of the other Voyager beginning it’s self-destruct sequence again set her into motion, and taking a seat in the Captain’s chair, as a fierce shaking signified the destruction of her home and everything she knew, she held tightly to the arm rests at her sides while the feeling of complete loss resonated through her.

When everything again became still, she blew out a shuddering breath before she lifted her chin defiantly, “Report!” She called out.

“Both the enemy vessel as well as the other Voyager have been destroyed,” returned Tuvok’s ever-steady voice, “We are alone.”

Giving a curt nod, Kathryn released her hold on her seat, “Resume course,” she called out.

Having taken his seat at the Captain’s side, Chakotay took in the view of her, and sure that he could see something unspoken in her eyes, he kept what words he might have said to himself as her orders were followed and they continued on their path toward the Alpha Quadrant.

*************

With repair work filling everyone’s time as the entirety of the crew set about righting their home, Kathryn joined them in an attempt to fill her mind with thoughts other than those of what she had lost, and able to lose herself in the tasks she took on, when the Doctor’s voice called out over her comm badge to request that she report to sickbay for a medical scan, she balked at the prospect.

Though, because the Doctor was insistent, going so far as to suggest that he would need to consult with the Commander should she refuse, Kathryn reluctantly relented as she requested that he be patient while she completed the work she had taken on. With his acceptance reliant on her keeping her word, as she attempted to concentrate on what she did, her mind repeatedly turned to the results she knew would come of any scan he took to leave her further hesitant.

Having discovered many differences between the Voyager she had come from and the one she would live out the rest of her life on in only hours, Kathryn couldn’t be certain of how the other her had chosen to live and what decisions they could have differed on. Because she hadn’t been summoned to sickbay sooner, she could only assume that there was one very big choice they hadn’t been of like minds on. One that was life-altering, and as her work was completed, she found herself standing motionless for a thoughtful moment before she forced herself to move against the fear that held her in place.

Because the Doctor hadn’t intended for his suggestion of consulting the Commander to be a threat, when the Captain entered sickbay, he turned a bright smile in her direction, “You’re here,” he said happily, “I know this isn’t your favorite place to be. But, being a new addition, I have a duty to ensure your health.”

Nodding as she came to a stop, Kathryn’s gaze darted around the space to ensure that it was empty before she heaved a sigh and lifted a hand to hold off the approaching holographic man, “I’m going to have to stop you there,” she blew out, “I’ve noticed that there are things here that differ from where I came from. Because of that, I have a few questions.”

Confused by her words, a frown claimed the Doctor’s face as he brought himself to a stop, “I’m sure everything will seem a little off until you’re able to find your stride,” he attempted to reason, “How different could things be?”

Fearfully certain that things were far more different than the Doctor could possibly know, as she lowered her hand, Kathryn shifted her stance, “I need to know,” she said softly, “Months ago, when Kes had that medical scare… The one regarding becoming a mother. There was a debate about how Voyager would need to operate going forward…”

“You mean the generational ship?” Questioned the Doctor.

“Yes,” answered Kathryn, “What decision was it that your Command team came to?”

Intrigued by the direction of her question, the Doctor’s look became curious, “They chose to leave the decision up to the crew ultimately, while stressing the fact that caution was best when forming such close relationships,” he explained in answer, “If things don’t go well, there isn’t anywhere for people to go.”

“And, that was it?” Asked Kathryn tentatively.

Slowly nodding, the Doctor furrowed his brow, “That’s it,” he affirmed, “I assume the choice made on your Voyager was different?”

Moistening her lips, Kathryn briefly dropped her gaze to the floor, “You could say that,” she blew out before she again lifted her gaze to the Doctor, “The Commander of my Voyager… He had a very convincing argument, and…”

When her words faded off, and her eyes fell closed, the Doctor stepped forward as he found distress in her features, “Are you alright, Captain?” He questioned.

As the Doctor placed a hand reassuringly over her shoulder, Kathryn heaved a shuddering sigh before she opened her eyes, “I’m pregnant,” she returned softly.

Unable to contain his surprise, the Doctor’s eyes widened as he held Kathryn’s gaze. Because her words weren’t at all what he had expected, he remained silent for a moment as he straightened his thoughts before he finally spoke, “The child is the Commander’s?” He asked cautiously.

Nodding in answer, Kathryn gave a small shrug, “As I said,” she blew out, “He made a very convincing argument.”

“And, have you spoken with him?” Questioned the Doctor gently.

Shaking her head, Kathryn pulled in a slow breath, “We’ve been busy,” she answered, though she knew that it was a lie as she’d made every attempt to avoid her second-in-command while she’d intentionally taken on tasks that would keep them apart.

Nodding, the Doctor schooled his features, “I understand,” he attempted to ease, “Do you know how far along you are?”

“Twelve weeks yesterday,” answered Kathryn easily as she lifted a hand to cover her lower abdomen.

Following the move of her hand with his gaze, the Doctor worked to make some silent calculations as he took in the flatness of Kathryn’s midsection, and factored in what he knew about her genetic background before he sighed as he motioned toward a biobed, “I’ll need to add this to your medical files,” he said evenly, “For now I’ll settle for a basic scan. Though I will need to insist on a full examination at fourteen weeks.”

“Of course, Doctor,” agreed Kathryn as she moved to take a seat, “I’m going to need to ask that you keep this between the two of us.”

Because he was fairly confident that the Captain would be able to conceal her pregnancy for some time, the Doctor was hesitant to respond as he opened the tricorder in his hands, and lifting his gaze to find her look expectant, he finally nodded, “Of course, Captain,” he agreed before he pressed his lips together and returned his attention to the readings the tricorder showed.

With the Doctor’s hesitant return, Kathryn could only guess at what he was thinking and hold out hope that he would remain silent regarding her condition. When the sound of someone entering the space finally broke the silence, she turned without a thought, only to be frozen in place as her gaze found the person who’d entered, “Chakotay,” she blew out softly.

Making note of the Captain’s pulse rate and respiration at the sight of the Commander, the Doctor’s heart went out to Kathryn. While she sat, expecting the man’s child, he was oblivious. Because the Kathryn Janeway they had lost had remained insistent on a strict friendship only stance, not once crossing the line she had drawn between them, Chakotay couldn’t possibly know of the bomb that was silently ticking, and not wanting to involve himself in the situation, as the ship’s second-in-command drew closer, the holographic man closed the tricorder he held, “Alright,” he said evenly, “That’s all I needed. Thank you, Captain.”

As he came to a stop beside the biobed, Chakotay nodded to the Doctor with a smile before the holographic man hurried off to his office, and the Commander’s gaze was turned to Kathryn, “It’s good to see you,” he said carefully.

Nodding in return as she slowly lowered herself to stand, Kathryn tentatively turned to face Chakotay, “I’m sorry for your loss,” she offered softly.

“I’m sorry for yours,” returned Chakotay, “But I am thankful that you’re here.”

Smoothing a hand thoughtlessly over her front against her nerves, Kathryn quickly shifted her hands to tug at the edge of her command jacket, “I’m thankful to be alive, I suppose,” she blew out, “Though, after everything that’s happened today, I’ll feel more alive after a shower and some sleep.”

“I hear that,” returned Chakotay as he turned to motion toward the door, “Would you mind if I walked with you?”

“I don’t mind,” said Kathryn as she dipped her head and moved past him. “How are repairs going on your end?” She questioned as they made their way out of sickbay.

“It might look bad,” answered Chakotay, “But I’m sure it won’t take more than a week to complete if we maintain a rotating workforce.”

“It’ll be tough,” blew out Kathryn, “Though I know everyone will manage to push through.”

“That’s what we’re best at,” said Chakotay as they paused to call the turbolift, and as Kathryn only nodded in return while she lowered her gaze to the floor, he found himself at a loss for what to say before he motioned her forward as the door opened in front of them. “Deck, three,” he called as he clasped his hands and turned his gaze to her, “So, is there anything that you’ve noticed that’s different here?”

Because she knew that he was innocently attempting to fill the silence between them, Kathryn pulled back on the emotions his question triggered, “There have been a few things,” she admitted, “But nothing that I can’t get used to.”

As she began forward down deck three when the turbolift door again opened, Chakotay hastened his steps to move at her side, “Like what?” He asked curiously.

“A few system alterations,” answered Kathryn carefully, “And some of the interactions that I’ve seen… I suppose that it was inevitable that the relationships among the crew would differ a bit.”

Finding intrigue in the notion that things hadn’t been the same with the crew of the Voyager she had come from, Chakotay lightly furrowed his brow in thought, “How so?” He asked.

Briefly flickering her gaze toward him, Kathryn quickly returned her eyes to the path in front of her, “Some people appear closer,” she returned on a breath, “Others, more distant. But it’s all about the choices that were made. Not every version of ourselves is going to make the same decisions.”

Finding himself curious about what decisions she could mean, Chakotay resisted his urge to question her further as they neared her quarters, “I’d like to hear more about these differences,” he said instead as he slowed to a stop beside her door, “For now, though, I’ll say goodnight.”

With his gaze searching as she lifted hers, Kathryn swallowed as she lightly nodded, “We’ll need to find the time,” she agreed, “Good night, Chakotay.” Stepping into the Captain’s quarters, as the door closed behind her, she sniffled back against the tears she could feel threatening to fill her eyes, and taking in the space around her, she attempted to hold back on the emotions that surged heedlessly through her.

While these quarters were indeed her home, they felt anything but to her with the absence of Chakotay’s belongings. His presence and the lingering smell of him were the things she found herself missing most as she took in the vast differences of the place she had awoken in that morning, and the space she now stood in.

When her eyes defiantly filled and overflowed with tears, the longer she stood motionless, Kathryn heaved a deep and shuddering breath as she pushed herself into motion while she lifted her hands to release the zipper of her command jacket. Making her way into the bathroom as she shed her uniform, she carelessly left a trail of clothing in her wake as her vision blurred, and calling for the shower to start, she stepped beneath the water, turning her face upward as she allowed her emotions to claim her while she sobbed uncontrollably.

Chapter Text

2 - Dare To Love

Doing her best to privately gain a better handle on her emotions as work continued through the week, Kathryn maintained her distancing from Chakotay as his presence left her longing for what she’d only just lost. Because of not only the choices her other self had made, but the actions not taken by this alternate Commander as well, it was difficult for the Captain to gain the nerve she would require to speak the words she needed to.

For his part, Chakotay was intensely aware of what Kathryn did as he silently relented to allowing her the space that she appeared to require. Though as they neared the week's end and the completion of the work being done, he found himself even more curious about what she had meant when she’d commented on a difference in the crew’s relationships, and while somewhere he desperately hoped there was a difference in their relationship, he also held a hesitation.

For nearly two years, he had traversed the woman who had been Kathryn Janeway, from her fiery determination to her kind and compassionate ways. Having only just begun to scratch the surface of who she was, suddenly being faced with this alternate version of her left him a bit confused, as her determination remained apparent, though less heated while they worked, as this new Captain’s big heart and gentle ways appeared to have been hidden away as though she was trying to protect herself.

Because of the friendship he’d come to cherish in the other half of Voyager’s command team, as he took notice of the whispered words being spoken by the crew regarding their Captain, Chakotay soon found himself filled with an urge to ensure that she was truly alright as he invited her to join him in his quarters for dinner under the guise of working together on the reports that had accumulated over the passing days.

With her acceptance of his offer easier than he’d anticipated, Chakotay was certain that she had only agreed due to his mention of work, and tidying his quarters in preparation for her arrival, he was sure to remain in his uniform. Not wanting to appear as though he was trying to corner her into answering the many questions he had, once he was content with his space, he turned his attention to the meal he would replicate as he considered what he knew of Kathryn’s food preferences.

When finally the door chime sounded through his space while he fidgeted with the table setting, Chakotay straightened as he called for entrance before his greeting was frozen on his lips the instant that his gaze found Kathryn to discover that she had loosened the bun she typically kept her hair in, allowing the length of her locks to fall over the shoulders of the uniform she wore.

Because she had attempted to prepare herself for the moment that Chakotay would request they share a meal, Kathryn had been certain that he would attempt to utilize the reports that she’d noticed beginning to cover her ready room desk while they’d worked to piece the ship back together, and carrying the stack of padds she’d gathered, she came to a slow stop as she took notice of the way he stared at her with a look of wonder.

Suddenly nervous of what he could be thinking, she lifted her free hand to tug at her uniform's front before her gaze followed the move of his eyes, and she realized it was her hair that he was looking at. With headaches having become common through her pregnancy, when she’d found herself in the grips of one after the day's work, her decision to let her hair down had been one of comfort. Though as he held her with an unwavering look, she began to think that she should have left it how it had been, “It was tight,” she found herself explaining offhandedly, “It was giving me a headache.”

Drawing in a slow breath at her words, Chakotay lightly smiled, “I like it,” he said evenly, “It’s more feminine. Almost like you’re glowing.”

As his words caught her breath, Kathryn pulled a small smile into place, “Thank you,” she said softly, before she raised the padds she held to motion in an attempt to change his line of thinking, “I see that we’re going to eat before we get to work,” she observed as she nodded toward the table.

Nodding, Chakotay moved to stand at the side of the table as his smile grew, “This way we’ll be fueled to take on what we have ahead of us,” he said as he pointed toward the coffee table and the stack of padds already adorning its surface.

When Chakotay turned to pull a chair out from the table, Kathryn moved to place the padds she carried with the others before she accepted the seat he offered, and pulling in a deep breath as she sat, she attempted to calm her racing heart while he moved to take a seat of his own. In an effort to collect herself, as she turned her gaze to the plate in front of her, the scent she found sent her stomach rumbling as it awoke the hunger inside of her that had been lacking, “Mmm,” she hummed, “One of my favorites.”

Adjusting his seat, Chakotay nodded happily, “It’s nice to see that some things are the same,” he said, “I took a chance, and I’m glad that it paid off.”

Lifting her gaze, Kathryn narrowed her eyes thoughtfully as her mind turned over his words, “You’ve been thinking about that for the entire week,” she said knowingly, “Haven’t you?”

“About what meal I was going to replicate for you?” Questioned Chakotay.

Slowly shaking her head, Kathryn sat back in her seat as she sighed, “No,” she returned evenly, “About what I meant when I mentioned the crew's relationships, and the difference between our two ships.”

Carefully resting his forearms beside his plate on the table in front of him, Chakotay’s smile pulled to the side at the glint of amusement he could see in Kathryn’s eyes as she quirked an eyebrow at him, “I won’t deny my intrigue,” he said, “But you can’t blame my curiosity.”

Finding an instant amusement as a true smile pulled at her lips, Kathryn pressed them together for a moment, “I can’t,” she blew out, “Because that’s exactly the type of response that I’ve come to expect.”

“Maybe there aren’t so many differences between the alternate versions of us,” suggested Chakotay as he lifted his utensil, “Somewhere inside we’re all the same.”

“Maybe,” relented Kathryn.

Scooping up a bite of food, Chakotay’s moves slowed to a stop as he watched while Kathryn followed his lead, the sound of delight she made as she slowly chewed more pleasing to him than he could have expected as his own utensil was held forgotten, “So, about these differences in the relationships,” he said thoughtfully after a moment, “We have time to talk about them now.”

Lowering the utensil she held to her plate as she lifted her gaze, Kathryn sighed, “There isn’t much to tell really,” she lied, “It’s more about feelings, I suppose.”

“Is this the point where I’m supposed to call you out?” Asked Chakotay as he lowered his own utensil.

“You know me well enough to do that confidently?” Countered Kathryn.

“I’d like to think so,” returned Chakotay, “Well enough at least to be able to tell that there’s more that you’re not saying.”

Because he couldn’t know the sheer amount of information that she was keeping to herself, Kathryn was silent for a long moment as she held Chakotay’s gaze, and when his other self’s insistence that they were the same crossed her mind, she blew out a sigh and decided to test his hypothesis, “What if I admitted that the biggest difference that I’ve noticed,” she began carefully, “Was the relationship between you and I?”

Sitting straighter, Chakotay’s curiosity faltered as his fear grew at the prospect of what she might say, “I’d ask in what way,” he said evenly.

Hesitant to come out and say it, Kathryn blew out a heavy breath, “Can I ask you something?” She questioned softly.

“Anything,” returned Chakotay.

“Working together, with the other me,” began Kathryn, “I think I’ve gotten a handle on the kind of relationship the two of you had. But, I have to know…”

As she faded off and uneasily shifted her gaze from his, Chakotay leaned forward over the table, “If what was there was all it seemed?” He asked.

Jerking her gaze back to him, Kathryn raised her chin as she took in the look she found in his eyes, “That’s one way of saying it, I suppose,” she answered softly.

“I can’t say that I wouldn’t have welcomed more… That I wouldn’t still accept more,” returned Chakotay with more confidence than he felt, “While we may not always agree, we do always find a compromise… At least we do when I don’t give in and obey my Captain like a good Commander.”

“And do you ever… Resent it?” Asked Kathryn, “Allowing my word to be the end, just because I’m the Captain?”

“Why would I?” Countered Chakotay, “We’re a team, and I’m just happy to be a part of it.”

With her emotions surging inside of her as his words ignited them, Kathryn pressed her tongue into the corner of her mouth as she dropped her gaze and attempted to control her breath as it threatened to freeze in her chest. “And the way you feel?” She finally managed to ask with a whisper, “Or, maybe… The way she felt… You never pressed it?”

Finding his own emotions shifting as the tone of Kathryn’s voice grew a bit shaky, Chakotay sighed, “You’re not the easiest person to read when you want to keep something to yourself,” he answered, “As for the way I feel… That’s something I would like to explore, and I take it, on your Voyager, I did just that.”

Slowly nodding, Kathryn again raised her gaze, “Yes,” she said softly, “Pretty persistently. So, I have to know… What’s different?”

“I couldn’t begin to know,” returned Chakotay as he slowly shook his head, “Though I can say that I’ve held back… Primarily because of your fiancée.”

With the subject of Mark being one she’d tackled months before, Kathryn nodded thoughtfully as she slowly drew her tongue over her lips, “While I am certain that we’ll find a way home… And a part of me still holds a hope that he will always have feelings for me,” she said carefully, “I’m sure that I’ll always carry a love for him. But, I also realize that what happened with our sudden disappearance, and inability to contact Starfleet… It’s more than likely that we’ve all been declared dead.”

As the emotions in her words began to fill her eyes with tears, Chakotay impulsively lifted a hand to cover Kathryn’s on the table's surface, “It’s only been a couple of years,” he attempted to ease.

Sniffling back the tears his touch had released from her eyes, Kathryn shook her head, “I’m fine,” she assured him, “I’ve thought a lot about this. While I am confident in our crew’s ability… So much has already happened, and I think we’ve all changed since we were in the Alpha Quadrant. I still can’t say if that change is for the better or not, but I do know that… What we’ve been through so far… It has changed me, and I believe that I need to live my life. We can never know what tomorrow might bring.”

“How did I not realize any of this before,” blew out Chakotay, “Spirits, you’re so much more stubborn than I’d thought you were. Tell me, how did my other self manage you?”

Lifting her free hand to wipe the wetness from her cheeks, Kathryn gave a tearful laugh, “He never let me lie,” she returned, “To him, or… To myself.”

“Then that’s just what I’ll do,” declared Chakotay, “From here on, I won’t let you lie, and in turn, I promise that I will not lie myself.”

“I’m going to hold you to that,” breathed Kathryn, “And I guess… If we’re being honest, I’ve missed this.”

Feeling movement beneath his hand, Chakotay looked down as she squeezed her fingers around his, “Holding hands?” He asked lightheartedly.

“No,” blew out Kathryn, “Your touch.”

Squeezing her hand in return, Chakotay gently smiled, “Well, that answers the biggest question I had,” he said lightly, “And it’s a real weight off.”

“What question?” Returned Kathryn.

“I wanted to know about us, first and foremost,” answered Chakotay, “And now, I’m sure the feelings that I had thought I could see growing… They weren’t just in my imagination.”

“There’s just something about you,” breathed Kathryn, “I’ll probably never have an explanation for it. But, we fit so well together… Working and relaxing.”

“I feel the same, and I wish you wouldn’t hide things like this,” blew out Chakotay, “It’s pretty difficult to love you the way that I’d like to when you don’t tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Yeah,” sighed Kathryn, “So I’ve been told, and now, I know enough that I promise to tell you what's on my mind… Whether you want to hear it or not.”

“I just want you to trust me,” returned Chakotay.

“With my life,” breathed Kathryn before she was suddenly thrown back to the moment that she’d been pushed through the rift.

As her tears began to freely fall and her breaths became halted sobs, Chakotay quickly pulled his hand away from hers as he pushed to his feet. Rounding the table in two short steps, when he reached out to urge Kathryn to her feet, he found no resistance as she readily turned into him on her own, “I’ve got you,” he said firmly as he wrapped his arms around her, “And I’m not letting you go.”

*************

Having managed the nerve to reach for the love she’d had in Chakotay, while they found a rhythm as a command team who also spent their free time getting to know one another better as they tentatively explored the beginning of a relationship that was brand new to the Commander, Kathryn couldn’t control her continued hesitant ways that stemmed from an illogical feeling that she was somehow being unfaithful to the father of her child.

While she knew that the man who felt so like home as they relaxed together in the evenings, completing any work that remained unfinished, was the same as the man who had chosen to save her life, as well as that of their child while he’d given his own, it remained difficult for Kathryn to fully accept that fact as she strove to put any subtle differences she noticed out of her mind.

Because Chakotay remained ever patient with her as she sorted out her thoughts and emotions, when it was brought to Kathryn’s attention that they needed to acquire stores of polypharanide and subsequently directed toward a planet that boasted several moons, she was forced to put her relationship to the side as she prepared to flex her first contact skills with a race who typically had no contact with outsiders.

Finding the species were known as the Drayans, Kathryn confidently made contact, and believing that she was gaining their acceptance while she gave their leader, a woman called Alcia a tour of Voyager as they easily conversed. When an unexpected communication was received as they made their way through sickbay it spurred the leader to excuse herself, bidding the ship and crew safe travels before denying the request that had been made for trade, and leaving the Captain at a loss for what it was that she could have possibly done wrong.

Making note of their guest's hasty exit, as Kathryn wordlessly rounded the bridge to disappear into her ready room, Chakotay could tell there was something wrong, and pushing to his feet, he entered the small space to find her staring out at the stars with her back to him. Coming to a stop to stand silently for a moment, when the space remained quiet, he finally pulled in a slow breath, “Are we sure about this?” He finally questioned.

Heaving a sigh at his words, Kathryn slowly shook her head, “No,” she blew out, “I honestly have no idea if we’ll be able to find what we need somewhere else.”

“And you’re not going to try pressing this?” Asked Chakotay, “To see if there isn’t something we can do to make things better?”

“I’m not,” returned Kathryn as she turned to face Chakotay, “What the Drayans leader said… The tone that she used. I know it well. I’ve used it myself a few times, and there won’t be any changing her mind. Not now.”

“So, we’re just going to leave?” Challenged Chakotay.

Heaving a sigh, Kathryn descended the stairs between them and passed by Chakotay, “Do you have a better idea?” She questioned as she rounded her desk, “One that won’t result in conflict with the Drayans?”

As Kathryn sat, leaning forward over her desk to stare at him, Chakotay pulled in a deep breath before he turned to take in the intense gaze she held him with, “I don’t,” he admitted honestly, “What do you propose we do now?”

“We’ll do the only thing that we can do,” returned Kathryn easily, “We’ll leave this system, and we’ll hope that we find another source of what we need.”

Nodding slowly, Chakotay heaved a sigh, “Aye, Captain,” he blew out.

Having a sudden urge to ask if he didn’t agree with her assessment of the situation, when Kathryn’s comm badge came to life as Harry reported the return of one of their two away teams, her thoughts shifted as she pushed back to her feet and moved toward the door. Finding that it was B’Elanna and Neelix’s team that had made it back, the Captain listened to the chief engineer's complaints of leaving the area empty-handed before she questioned the status of their second away team.

With the two-man team consisting of Lieutenant Commander Tuvok and Ensign Bennett not having reported in for some time, it was quickly decided that Voyager would follow the ion trail left in the path of their shuttle to find their missing crewmen.

Taking his seat beside Kathryn as they traveled to the moon the second team had been sent to survey, when they arrived, Chakotay could see the tension that gripped the Captain as they found a Drayan vessel in orbit. With the hail they received from the leader, who angrily accused Voyagers' crew of trespassing on sacred ground, doing nothing to relax the woman at his side, when it was heatedly argued that the single crewman on the moon's surface was all the proof needed, the Commander was filled with worry at the clear look of strife he could see.

As Kathryn ordered the ship's sensors to be utilized in an effort to know if what the leader had said was true, B’Elanna’s inability to do so due to the moon's dangerous outer atmosphere that prevented the sensors from reaching its surface brought the Captain to her feet as she instead questioned the status of the transporters.

With the answer not what she’d wanted to hear, when Kathryn silently turned to return to her ready room, Chakotay resisted his urge to follow her and instead remained on the bridge to assist the others as they began to work at finding a way to get their crewman back safely.

While he did, Kathryn took advantage of her moment of solitude as tears fell from her eyes while her mind turned over the prospect of losing Tuvok. Though the loss of Ensign Bennett wasn’t something that she could take lightly, she knew that to lose her trusted friend and confidant would be a blow that she wasn’t certain she could take without breaking under the grief. While she had heeded the advice that had been given to her as she sought the connection she had shared with Chakotay, because she hadn’t yet found the confidence to divulge her expectant condition to him, she had instead shared the information with the ever stoic Vulcan.

Because the talk that she’d had with Tuvok had happened only days before, she could vividly recall the easy way that he had attempted to assure her, and the way that his eyes had widened ever so slightly while a whisper of a smile passed briefly over his lips when she had told him what she couldn’t bring herself to tell the man she loved. With him having known her for several years, the Vulcan knew all too well the soft spot the Captain had for children, and that one day she’d hoped to have some of her own. Even with her news catching him by surprise, he had managed to speak words of wisdom that she had needed to hear, words that she longed for him to speak to her again.

When she was finally confident that she could hold herself together, Kathryn dried her tears before she returned to the bridge. Though she’d gained a handle on her emotions, still, she couldn’t help herself as she began to pace between her command chair and the helm with her nerves, the sound of B’Elanna’s voice the thing that ultimately altered her path, “Captain,” called out the chief engineer as she motioned toward the console at her side, “You might want to see this.”

“Have you found the shuttle?” Questioned Kathryn as she crossed the space.

“Actually, we’ve found two,” answered B’Elanna as she turned to face the console she’d motioned toward. “The sensor resolution is quite low,” she said as she lifted a hand to the screen, “This looks like our shuttle. I’m guessing the other is Drayan.”

“We’ve also found life signs on the planet,” added Harry, “A while ago, there seemed to be four of them. Now, we can only distinguish two.”

“And, I’ve been working on the transporters,” said B’Elanna, “It’s just not possible to get a pattern lock through all the turbulence.”

Slowly shaking her head, Kathryn was determined not to give up, “Then we’ve got to start looking into other options,” she said, “I want a full analysis of the atmospheric conditions, and your best suggestion on how to get a shuttle to the surface. Then we’ll just have to hope that we don’t have to use it.”

*************

Finally receiving a communication from Tuvok, the situation was made more clear to the crew of Voyager as they learned of Ensign Bennett’s passing as well as the Vulcan’s worry regarding several fearful children who appeared to have been abandoned. With the disappearance of two of the three children, leaving him to believe the remaining girl, who’d stayed at his side, was in danger of the Drayan search parties prowling the moon's surface, Kathryn was quick to react to her friend’s worry.

With her attempt to again offer assistance to the Drayan’s leader being met with a cruet denial, Chakotay was a bit surprised when Kathryn blatantly proclaimed her intent to take a shuttle to the moons surface against their objections, and standing when she began around the bridge toward the turbolift with Tom, the hesitance that he spoke of with her plan was easily dismissed as he was left in control of the ship.

Impulsively doing what came to her instinctively, Kathryn knew that she was making the situation between them and the Drayan’s tenser by declaring her intention to personally take a shuttle to the moons surface in a show of strength as her crew’s leader, and as the shuttle bounced and lurched around Tom and herself while they made their way toward the moon, when the helmsman called out the presence of a Drayan vessel in pursuit of them, the Captain was filled with a fear that she could have missed her mark with her assumption concerning their leaders disinterest in violent confrontation.

With their progress uneasy as they anticipated being fired upon, when they finally made it to the moon's surface without needing to arm their weapons, the relief Kathryn felt was short-lived as she found Tuvok in the company of what appeared to be a young Drayan girl. Though she was unsure of the situation, the Captain was more than prepared to defend the child on her friend’s behalf only to find that the life cycle of a Drayan was different from any the Federation had ever encountered as the child was only one in appearance, while in truth she was an elderly woman in her nineties who had lived her life and begun to progress into a state of regression.

Settling the misunderstandings without confrontation, while the Drayan’s remained firm in their stance that Voyager and her crew depart, Kathryn was more than content to return to her ship with Tuvok and Ensign Bennett’s remains before she called for their course to be resumed as they continued toward the Alpha Quadrant.

Though she knew the Doctor would be cross with her, while Kathryn had instantly sent Tuvok to be seen to in sickbay, she had in turn set to work putting the events that were fresh in her mind into a padd, and when finally she made her way to deck four, she was certain that she would be in for a scolding from the Holographic man.

As she stepped into sickbay, because the look cast in her direction had been expected, Kathryn raised her hands in an immediate surrender, “I know,” she blew out in response to the look the Doctor held her with, “You’re going to tell me that this was a risk I shouldn’t have taken.”

Drawing in a slow breath as she crossed the space to stand in front of him, the Doctor wordlessly raised a tricorder to silently scan the Captain before he sighed, “You don’t appear to have taken any damage,” he said evenly in a tone that belayed his displeasure, “However, I would like for you to take in to account in the future, that where you go, your child goes.”

Pulling in a deep breath, Kathryn lowered her hands as she nodded her agreement, “I am aware of that, Doctor,” she said, “And I had every confidence that the Drayans didn’t want to make us their enemy, and would understand what it was I intended with my actions.”

“One day, that confidence may just lead you astray,” returned the Doctor as he closed the tricorder he held, “For now, how about we get your check-up over with while you’re here. Unless, that is, you’d rather come back tomorrow?”

“Now will be fine,” relented Kathryn easily as she moved toward the biobed the Doctor indicated.

Calling for a privacy screen to obscure the view of the biobed that Kathryn lay on, the Doctor went about her fourteen-week checkup while he kept their conversation on what he did. Though when the sound of the sickbay doors opening echoed through the space, the Holographic man shared a look with his Captain before he moved around the opaque wall separating the space, “Is there something that I can help you with, Lieutenant?” He questioned.

“I wanted to see to the Captain’s well-being,” returned Tuvok’s ever stoic voice.

While the Vulcan’s presence wasn’t something that she had expected, Kathryn found herself filled with a sense of gratitude, and smiling softly, she pulled in a quick breath, “It’s fine, Doctor,” she called out.

As the Doctor returned to her bedside to complete her examination, when Tuvok moved to stand silently at his Captain’s side, he nodded reassuringly before the Holographic man occupied her attention. When finally, the scanning device covering her middle was retracted, the Vulcan leveled his gaze on the other man, “Everything is well?” He asked evenly.

Nodding in return, the Doctor smiled, “Everything is right on schedule,” he answered, “Both Mother and child are in perfect health and progressing nicely.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” said Kathryn as she pushed herself up and shifted to sit on the biobed's edge, “Can I assume my next examination will be at eighteen weeks?”

“It is typical for an expectant woman to have monthly checkups,” returned the Doctor, “Though I do expect you back here any time something happens.”

“Of course, Doctor,” agreed Kathryn easily before she accepted Tuvok’s offered hand and lowered herself to stand.

“I will ensure that she does,” said Tuvok before he raised an eyebrow at the look that Kathryn turned on him, “I hold you in high regard, Captain. Your well-being must be a priority for the crew.”

Smiling lightly, Kathryn moved to pat Tuvok’s hand before she released him, “No matter how far you may be from your children, you are ever a father, aren’t you, Tuvok?” She asked teasingly.

Unsure of how he should respond, Tuvok was at first pleased by the sound of the sickbay door opening. Though, because the Doctor had canceled the privacy screen that had been in place, the instant before his eyes found Commander Chakotay, the Vulcan could feel a shift in the space that he was sure spoke to the Captain’s unease.

When no one spoke as he crossed sickbay, Chakotay frowned at the three people standing silently in the space, “Was there a meeting that I wasn’t made aware of?” He asked curiously.

When Kathryn didn’t instantly respond, Tuvok was sure that she’d found herself at a loss for words, and wanting to help her in any way that he could, the Vulcan cleared his throat to pull the Commander’s attention to him, “The Captain requested my assistance in preparation for Ensign Bennett’s internment,” he explained before he shifted his gaze to the Captain as her eyes were turned to him, “I’ll take care of everything at once, Captain.”

Because his excuse was more logical than her blank mind could have come up with on the spot, Kathryn nodded as she softly smiled, “Thank you, Tuvok,” she returned simply.

Silent while Tuvok made his exit, Chakotay’s gaze shifted to Kathryn as the Doctor busied himself at the main console in the space, “So,” he said with a small shrug, “We’re you wanting to go over the events with the Drayans tonight?”

Nodding in return, Kathryn closed the space between them, “Yeah,” she answered, “I’ve already compiled everything I could think of into a padd in my ready room.”

Turning to motion her before him, Chakotay followed after Kathryn silently as they traversed the deck four corridor, until he finally turned to face her once they stood in the turbolift, “Did you have the Doctor give you a scan while you were in sickbay?” He asked.

“I told you when I first returned, I’m fine,” returned Kathryn dismissively. Though when she turned her gaze up to Chakotay, the look he held her with pulled a sigh from her chest, “Yes, the Doctor scanned me,” she blew out, “And, as I said, I’m fine.”

“That’s good to know,” sighed Chakotay before he stepped out onto deck one and followed Kathryn the short distance to her ready room where he came to a stop as the door closed behind him, “You know,” he said evenly, “When you decided to take that shuttle yourself, and then, when the Drayan vessel began following you. I’ve got to say, that had me worried.”

Turning to face him once she stood at the side of her desk, Kathryn rested a hip against the solid surface, “So was I,” she admitted, “I was certain that the Drayans didn’t want conflict, and hopeful that their leader would understand my intentions. But, when that ship moved into position behind us… Let’s just say it made for a tense ride.”

“I can imagine,” returned Chakotay, “Thankfully, everything went as smoothly as I think that it could have.”

Nodding her agreement, Kathryn lifted the padd that she’d been after as she stifled a yawn, “It’s been a long day,” she blew out, “Maybe I’m not as up to doing more work as I’d thought.”

“Tomorrow?” Suggested Chakotay.

Thoughtful for a moment, Kathryn finally sighed as she held the padd out to him, “How about you try to sort this into a report if you have the energy,” she countered, “And we can fine-tune it in the morning.”

Accepting the padd with a nod, as Kathryn stifled another yawn, Chakotay had a sudden thought, “Let’s go on a date,” he said spontaneously.

Surprised by his words, Kathryn couldn’t help the light frown that pulled at her lips, “A date?” She questioned.

“Yeah,” returned Chakotay, “We haven’t been on one yet.”

As her mind turned to the many dates that she’d been on with his other self, Kathryn found herself intrigued at the prospect of what he might come up with. “Alright,” she relented easily, “If we can ensure that everything is running smoothly, I will go on a date with you. Just tell me when.”

Where before he would have been more than surprised by such an easy acceptance, because he knew now that he could have more, Chakotay’s smile grew, “How about tomorrow evening on the holodeck?” He suggested, “Do you have any preferences?”

Slowly shaking her head, Kathryn stepped forward as she mirrored Chakotay’s smile, “Surprise me,” she said softly, “I’m sure that I’ll enjoy whatever you choose.”

As she came to a stop in front of him, Chakotay’s smile pulled to the side at his amusement with the intrigue he could see in her eyes, “My choice, huh?” He asked, “There’s so much to choose from.”

Enjoying Chakotay’s playful ways, Kathryn stifled yet another yawn before she lifted a hand to tap her fingers against his midsection, “While you’re thinking about that,” she said, suddenly sounding every bit as tired as she was feeling, “How about you walk me to my quarters? I’m beat.”

“Of course,” agreed Chakotay readily, “Allow me to escort you.”

Filled with anticipation at what she could expect the following evening, Kathryn quietly walked to her quarters while Chakotay moved at her side, scrolling the contents of the padd that she’d given him, and imagining what it was they would do, she couldn’t stop herself from smiling.

Chapter Text

3 - Your Hand In Mine

Grateful for the rest she had managed the night before, as the tension she had felt led to a deep sleep, Kathryn was in high spirits as she worked through her duty shift the following day. With her playful questions spoken in private about what they would be doing that evening, being easily avoided with Chakotay reminding her that she had asked to be surprised. While he would smile each time as she teasingly pouted at his lack of a true answer throughout the day, the Commander remained firm as he only divulged that she should dress comfortably and be ready an hour after their duty shift ended.

Further intrigued by what he could have planned, once her duty shift came to an end for the day Kathryn hurried to her quarters to prepare herself with a feeling of eager anticipation, and dressing casually in a black pair of stretchy, yet form fitting pants, she covered her torso with a billowy cream blouse as the silken fabric did the work of her uniform tops to disguise the changes that had begun to effect her midsection.

While to those who had never scrutinized her form, the changes that had accrued weren’t noticeable, she held a silent expectancy that of all the crewmen onboard, Chakotay would eventually be the one to question her waistline, and while she knew that she needed to tell him, she wasn’t certain what it was precisely that held her back.

When her door chime sounded through her quarters to announce the arrival of her date, Kathryn called for entrance from her bathroom before she lifted the earrings that she intended to wear, “It’ll just be another minute!” She called out.

Coming to a stop at the sound of Kathryn’s call, Chakotay smiled, “Don’t worry,” he returned, “The holodeck is all ours for the next hour.”

“A whole hour?!” Chuckled, Kathryn, “Who did you bribe?”

Because the usage of the holodeck had been in high demand, many crewmen had began to form groups to have more time in a particular program, and to have the whole space for an entire hour as only two people hadn’t been a common thing for some time, “I didn’t need to bribe anyone,” called back Chakotay, “Making trades is normal in the Delta Quadrant.”

Grinning at his return, Kathryn checked her reflection one final time before she turned to make her way out of the bathroom. “Trade, huh?” She questioned as she passed through her bedroom, “And who did you trade with?”

Prepared to tell her the individuals were now very pleased crewmen, Chakotay’s words were lost on his lips when his gaze found Kathryn as she stepped into the main living area. Because the sight of her in anything other than some variation of her uniform was typically saved for morale events, he was unaware of the lopsided smile that tugged at his lips.

With her gaze down as she attempted to ensure that her blouse continued its task of covering while she moved, when Kathryn was met with silence as she came into the main living area, she brought herself to a stop, and lifting her head to find that Chakotay was staring at her in much the same manner as he had the week before, she gently smiled, “Have I left you speechless?” She questioned coyly.

Slowly nodding in answer, Chakotay licked his lips as he drew in a deep breath, “This is all for me?” He asked softly.

Finding a bit of enjoyment in being the one on the giving end this time around with the man in front of her, Kathryn shrugged dismissively, “Sometimes a lady just wants to look her best,” she returned, “For herself.”

While his face dropped at her words for a brief moment, when Kathryn began to laugh as she closed the space between them, Chakotay narrowed his eyes, “That was mean,” he blew out, “I didn’t know you could be so cruel.”

“Yes, cruel,” laughed Kathryn as she again brought herself to a stop, “So, where are we going?”

Returning her smile as Kathryn reached out to take his hand into hers, Chakotay sighed, “It’s a nice little place with great views, and we can be alone,” he answered, “I even managed to get us the best seats in the place.”

“Is that so?” Returned Kathryn before she took a step back, extending his hand with her as she motioned to her outfit, “Am I dressed properly for this place we’re going?” She questioned.

“You’d be perfect in anything,” returned Chakotay as he allowed his gaze to pull over her form, “And tonight, you are absolutely stunning.”

At the feel of a blush warming her skin, Kathryn heeded Chakotay’s silent motion for them to go, and walking wordlessly, she found an exhilaration in the way that he retained his hold on her hand while they went. When they finally neared the doors to holodeck one, she pulled in a slow breath as she squeezed his hand in hers, “Won't you give me even one hint before we go in?” She asked.

Glancing to his side as she nudged against him, Chakotay grinned, “Where’s the surprise in that?” He asked before he brought them to a stop and turned to face her, “And because you keep asking to know… How about you close your eyes?”

“Really?” Kathryn returned, “Now you want me to go in blind?”

“I’ve got you,” assured Chakotay as he adjusted their hands to lace their fingers together, “This way, you’ll be able to get the full experience.”

Thinning her lips in playful doubt, Kathryn pulled in a deep breath and allowed her eyes to close as she squeezed his hand in hers, “Alright,” she said, “Just don’t walk me into anything.”

“I’d never do that,” chuckled Chakotay, “Come on.”

Hearing the sound of the holodeck door opening, Kathryn allowed herself to be led forward. Though when Chakotay brought her to an abrupt halt only steps inside the space, she frowned lightly, “What are we doing?” She questioned.

“Just trust me,” returned Chakotay as he released her hand before he knelt at her side to gently raise each of her feet in turn as he removed her shoes before he pushed up to kick off his own and again lace his fingers with hers, “Now we’re ready.”

“For what?” Kathryn laughed with a breath.

“You’re about to find out,” returned Chakotay, “Just a bit further now.”

Relenting to the gentle tug of his hand, Kathryn began forward to find the ground beneath her feet changing with each step she took. With the feeling shifting from smooth to gritty, when her feet began to sink into what she assumed was sand, her smile grew, “A beach,” she said confidently, “Can I open my eyes now?”

Chuckling at her exclamation, Chakotay nodded as he brought them to a stop once more, “Yeah,” he relented, “Go ahead.”

Slowly opening her eyes, Kathryn first took notice of the clear blue sky before she leveled her gaze in front of her to find that the white sandy path they walked along was lined by vast fields of tropical greenery. Glancing at Chakotay’s smiling face at her side, she allowed her happiness to consume her as she began to pull him forward in her anticipation for the view she was sure awaited them, and when finally they reached the point where the path they traveled opened to a white beach, she brought them to a stop, “It’s beautiful,” she breathed, “Where are we?”

“A place called North Caicos,” answered Chakotay, “I thought it would be nice to walk along the beach.”

Turning from the view with little urging, Kathryn breathed deeply of the salty ocean air, “I should have brought a sun hat,” she commented offhandedly as they moved.

“You wouldn’t need it for long,” returned Chakotay, “The sun will be below the horizon before you know it.”

“How’d you manage that?” Chuckled, Kathryn, “Speed up the time of the program?”

“How else were we supposed to have the perfect evening in just under an hour?” Laughed Chakotay, “This way, we can enjoy the warmth of the sun, and the cool of the night air will make our walk back all the more pleasant.”

“So, you came up with a stroll along the beach for this date?” Kathryn thoughtfully asked, “It is a safe option.”

Because she didn’t sound very convinced by her own words, Chakotay pulled at her hand to bring her against his side, “Who said that we were only having a stroll?” He asked playfully.

“Oh, yeah?” Kathryn returned, “What else have you got up your sleeve?”

“We’ll just have to keep going and find out, won’t we?” Said Chakotay, “I’m confident that it won’t disappoint, and while we walk, I’d be interested to hear more about the us that you knew.”

Because she had been surprised that he had yet to ask to know more about the relationship they’d shared on her Voyager, his suggestion was inevitable she knew, and softly sighing, Kathryn cast her gaze out over the gentle waves at their side as they leisurely walked, “I’m sure that it was much the same as you had,” she said thoughtfully after a moment, “At least starting.”

“And, what changed it?” Asked Chakotay.

Thinking of the events that had begun the differences between their two vessels, Kathryn softly smiled, “When we had that debate regarding how we would proceed in the running of the ship going forward a few months ago,” she answered carefully, “By the time it was decided that we would leave any pairing off up to the crew… You had made some very compelling points about setting an example, and… You left me in a position where I could no longer continue to deny the feelings that I still can’t explain.”

Watching Kathryn while she spoke, Chakotay could see the emotions she felt with her words, and tightening his hold on her hand, he smiled reassuringly, “Are you going to tell me what it was that I did?” He asked playfully, “You know, a few pointers wouldn’t go to waste here.”

Giving a breathy laugh, Kathryn shook her head before she turned her gaze up to Chakotay, “I don’t think that I will,” she said, “While working back to what I had from the start might seem counterproductive to some… I find that I’m enjoying getting to experience this new relationship feeling all over again with you. So, I’m content to see how you chose to proceed.”

“Before, hearing that would have given me pause,” blew out Chakotay with a smile, “But knowing for certain that there is a future for us, and that you’ve felt this way the same as me… I do believe that I’m going to take that as a challenge.”

“Please, do,” returned Kathryn softly, “I’ll relish in learning even more about you through your choices.”

As they both fell silent, Chakotay began to wonder just what his compelling points had been and how he had managed to turn setting an example into being allowed to enter into a relationship beyond command with a woman he had once believed was no more than an unachievable dream. Because any feelings he’d strove to find for others had been unexpectedly dwarfed when he’d first laid eyes on Kathryn, he knew he could only hope that acting on his feelings while working to be the best second-in-command and partner he could be would be sufficient.

With his thoughts leaving him to walk blindly for a bit, as the suns light shifted lower in the sky to create a pink and orange hue that claimed what had before been a vast blue expanse, Chakotay shifted his gaze over the beach further away from the water before he altered their path, “Here we are,” he said in explanation for the move.

Following his gaze, Kathryn’s contented smile pulled to the side with her amusement, “A picnic,” she observed as she took in the sight of the blanket that had been spread out over the sand, and the basket that sat at its edge, “On an empty beach at dusk,” she said softly, “Isn’t someone a romantic.”

“I’m pulling out all the stops,” returned Chakotay before he urged Kathryn to sit and moved around the blanket to access the basket that he’d had prepared, “Dinner is a variety of open-faced finger sandwiches, and some sweet iced tea to wash them down with.”

As Chakotay revealed the food he’d had waiting, Kathryn was pleasantly surprised to find that he’d thought to make a large selection, and as she took in the different choices, her stomach rumbled in demand for sustenance. “These look delicious,” she said, “Do we have plates?”

“Napkins,” said Chakotay as he produced the items to hold one out to her, “They’re finger foods and meant for us to share.”

Nodding as she accepted the cloth he offered her, Kathryn’s attention returned to the food before them as she yielded to her hunger, “So,” she said thoughtfully, “Do you have any suggestions on where I should start?”

“They’re all good,” returned Chakotay, “I would definitely suggest trying all of them. I made several of each, so don’t think that you have to hold back.”

“Do you think that I’m going to eat the lion's share?!” Chuckled, Kathryn, “What do you take me for?”

Not wanting to mention that he’d taken notice of her increased appetite and thicker midsection as compared to the Kathryn he had known before, Chakotay shook his head with a laugh, “It’s nothing like you’re thinking,” he said, “I only wanted you to know that I made more than I’m sure we’ll finish.”

Slanting a playfully doubtful look in his direction, Kathryn smiled, “Right,” she said as she reached out a hand, “In that case, I think that I’ll start with this one.”

Pouring them each a drink, Chakotay smiled brightly at the hum of enjoyment Kathryn gave as she made short work of the sandwich she’d selected before he silently joined her as she reached out for another. With her attention completely held on the food as it vanished between them, when the container of food and the decanter of tea both neared empty, the Commander finally sat back, “Are you going to have any room for dessert?” He questioned playfully.

Halting her movement as she reached for yet another sandwich, Kathryn’s gaze lifted to Chakotay, “There’s dessert?” She asked with a hopeful tone.

“Of course there’s dessert,” returned Chakotay before he turned to retrieve two smaller containers from the basket at his side.

Foregoing the sandwich that she’d been after, Kathryn drew her hand into her lap as she watched Chakotay set their dessert on the blanket in front of them, and when he finally opened the containers to reveal cut strawberries, as well as chocolate dip, her tongue darted out over her lips before she could stop it, “That looks good,” she breathed.

Watching as Kathryn quickly wiped her fingers before she reached out to lift a piece of strawberry, Chakotay’s smile grew as she dipped it into the chocolate and placed it into her mouth while her eyes fell closed in her clear enjoyment of the treat, “It’s that good?” He teased in question.

Opening her eyes at his words, Kathryn nodded as she swallowed and reached out for another piece of strawberry, “It is, and if I’m not mistaken,” she returned as she moved to dip what she held into the chocolate before she raised the morsel toward him, “Isn’t this a favorite of yours?”

Holding her gaze as she quirked an eyebrow at him, Chakotay nodded, “It is,” he said before he opened his mouth to accept the bite she offered, and savoring the flavor, he watched intently as Kathryn turned her hand to clean the remaining chocolate from her fingers by slowly licking each digit in turn, “I could have done that,” he said suddenly on impulse.

Slowly lowering her hand, Kathryn was unsure of what he meant as she lightly furrowed her brow, “Done what?” She asked.

Swallowing, Chakotay motioned to her hands, “Cleaned your fingers for you,” he answered easily.

Silent, Kathryn’s heart pounded in her chest at the look she found in Chakotay’s eyes, the one that spoke of all of the unsaid things that he would be more than happy to do for her, and being certain that she wanted to allow him, as the silence drew on between them, she impulsively reached out to dip the tip of a finger into the chocolate before she boldly smeared a bit of it over her lips, “It would seem that my lips need to be cleaned,” she said softly.

Because he had begun to think that he’d spoken too boldly while Kathryn’s silence stretched on, when her gaze returned to his before she finally spoke, Chakotay’s heart leapt with joy, and shifting himself closer to her, he reached out to lift her hand into his. With his gaze unwavering, he carefully extended her chocolate-tipped finger to clean it before he slowly lowered the digit from his mouth and raised his free hand to gently touch her chin as he leaned in, to tentatively dart his tongue out over her lips once he’d closed the space between them.

Sitting completely still, Kathryn’s breath caught in her chest as Chakotay thoroughly cleaned the chocolate from her finger, and when he finally leaned forward to bring their faces together, the way that he hesitantly tasted her lips made her skin begin to warm an instant before the hesitation in his moves suddenly vanished, and her lips were assaulted passionately by his.

Easily becoming consumed by the exhilaration he felt at being allowed to have Kathryn, Chakotay pressed everything he had into the passion of their kiss before he placed a whispered space between them as he opened his eyes to gaze into the deep blue depths of hers, “How's that?” He breathed.

Dropping her gaze to his lips, Kathryn slowly pulled her tongue over her own with a gentle smile, “I’m not complaining,” she said, “But this isn’t what I’d call clean.”

Blindly moving a hand to tug the napkin from Kathryn’s lap, Chakotay returned her smile, “I might have forgotten what I was doing,” he admitted with a breath before he lifted the fabric he held to make quick work of the small amount of chocolate remaining around her lips, “All clean now.”

Shifting her gaze between his eyes and his lips, Kathryn’s smile pulled to the side as she lifted a hand to tenderly cup the side of Chakotay’s face, “My lips may be clean,” she whispered, “Though now yours need tending.”

When she abruptly closed the little space between them, Chakotay was frozen in place as she skillfully began to work her mouth and tongue over his skin. Though he’d done the same only moments before, the feeling of being on the receiving end sparked something he had suppressed to life inside of him, and reaching out to take a hold of Kathryn’s waist, he wasn’t certain if he was intent to touch, or if he would lift her impulsively into his lap.

With the move that he made, as his hands adjusted over her waist, Kathryn’s body tensed before she pulled back to wordlessly retrieve the napkin and wipe away what remained on his face, “There,” she whispered.

Once again finding her eyes with his own, Chakotay was a bit confused by the look of unease he saw that hadn’t been present before, and again adjusting his hands over her sides, he suddenly realized what had caused the change before he quickly released Kathryn to pull his hands instead into his lap. “We should probably eat this properly,” he said softly, “We’re bound to run out of time.”

With her mind warring between the intrusive thoughts of Chakotay not being the same and the instinctual love she felt for the man, Kathryn silently nodded as he turned to again face the ocean, while quiet settled between them as they began again to eat their dessert. When finally she’d had her fill, with the silence continuing to stretch on between them, she impulsively turned herself to lean against the strong form at her side as a soft sigh escaped her lips and she contentedly rested a hand over her stomach without a thought.

Taking note of the move she made, and assuming that it meant she was finished, Chakotay lifted an arm to secure around Kathryn’s back, making sure to rest his hand not on her waist, but instead over her thigh as he took enjoyment in her simple action of lying against him. Though he would have liked to remain in that moment for all of eternity, when the computer signaled that their time was nearing its end, he heaved a heavy sigh, “I guess it’s time that we should start to head back,” he said as she pushed herself off of him, “But, maybe we can do this again soon.”

“I’d like that,” returned Kathryn as Chakotay stood before he extended a hand to assist her to her feet, “And so long as I’m with you, it doesn’t matter where we are.”

Smiling as she stood beside him, Chakotay lifted an arm in offer, and tucking Kathryn against his side as she accepted it, he turned them to begin back toward the entrance, “I feel the same,” he said softly as they moved.

*************

Continuing to put off the inevitable discussion that she would need to have with Chakotay, Kathryn found enjoyment in allowing him to dictate the speed of their relationship. While she wanted more than anything to tell him everything, because of the choices that had been made before her arrival that had left him relegated to a role of friend, she couldn’t help but to feel as though to bluntly tell him how his other self had been bold enough to leave her with child before he’d handed her off, would be too much for him to fully grasp unless it was done with a certain amount of finesse.

With that in mind, she hoped to strengthen their relationship before the time came when she would be forced to admit it all, and as Kathryn prepared for her duty shift nearly a week after their date, she paused in her bathroom to open the robe she wore before she turned to take in her reflection in the mirror. With the way that her stomach was expanding slowly, while she could clearly see the difference in her body, the slight extension of her abdomen remained easily dismissed as a little extra weight, and while she couldn’t wait for her child to begin stretching her skin outward in their need for more space, she was also thankful for her continued ability to hide it as she re-found the love she’d feared she had lost.

“You’ll have to stay my little secret for now,” she said softly as she rubbed a hand gently over her lower abdomen, “But soon… Soon, we’ll let Daddy in on your existence. Mommy only needs to have him all to herself for a little while longer.”

As her mind turned to the reaction she believed she would get when she finally came clean, the sound of her comm badge pulled Kathryn’s attention, and closing her robe, she pushed her thoughts aside to concentrate on her role as Captain.

With the discovery of aliens who’d chosen to go into stasis in order to avoid a planet-wide catastrophe, the crew of Voyager became a buzz of activity while they attempted to decipher the reasoning behind the extended stasis, as the planet had gone through a complete renewal while its inhabitants had slept.

Made aware of an automated message that specified a time when the inhabitants had expected to awaken, because the time had far passed, it was decided that the one remaining stasis hub that contained life would be transported onto Voyager in an attempt to assist the survivors.

Finding the mechanics behind the intricate stasis hub more than the engineering staff could properly handle, it seemed an innocent decision to remove the deceased aliens to make way for two of their own to go into the computer-generated world the race had devised to keep their minds stimulated. Though finding that the aliens were no longer in control, instead being held hostage by the computer and the manifestation of fear that had been created from their emotions, it wasn’t anything like they could have imagined.

Being allowed to awaken from the computerized world, B’Elanna informed the senior staff of the situation inside the program. With the added incentive of Harry having become another hostage of fear, Kathryn knew that she would have to get creative if she hoped to get anyone out, and because their time was short, it was decided that the Doctor would go inside to buy them more without giving fear yet another hostage, all while the holographic man worked in secret to distract the program. Though, because their plan to deactivate the system with speed was detected, the decisiveness of fear won out as one of the remaining alien hostages was killed to bring the Captain’s initial plan to a screaming halt while the program rejoiced.

Having Chakotay maintain command of the bridge while she worked with B’Elanna on some method they could utilize to their full advantage, when Kathryn thought of a way for them to win this battle, she sited needing to do a bit of research before she made her way alone to sickbay where Voyager’s EMH worked in his office, “Can I have a moment, Doctor?” Questioned the Captain as she stepped into his space.

Looking up from the work he concentrated on, the Doctor nodded, “Of course, Captain,” he answered, “How are things going with the stasis hub? Kes’ latest report makes note that those inside have accelerated heart rates.”

“That’s what I came to talk with you about,” returned Kathryn as she moved to stand in front of the Doctor’s desk, “I have an idea. Though I’d like to run it passed you before I take it to the senior staff.”

Setting aside the padd he held, the Doctor nodded as he motioned toward the seat at Kathryn’s side, “I’ll lend my assistance if I’m able,” he said.

“You’ve gone over the data we have on the stasis hub?” Asked Kathryn as she sat.

“I have,” answered the Doctor, “I’m not certain that I’ll be much help with it.”

“That’s B’Elanna’s department,” returned Kathryn, “What I need to know from you is, if one of the pods was altered to detect life signs and brain waves without placing the individual into stasis… Would I be putting my child into danger should I choose to offer myself to fear, as a sort of bait?”

Thinking over what he knew for certain, the Doctor slowly nodded, “I don’t believe there would be any danger,” he answered carefully, “Though it would be safer if there were medical personnel present who were aware of your condition.”

Because she knew instantly what it was he suggested, Kathryn sighed as she shifted in her seat, “You want to make Kes aware of my situation,” she said thoughtfully.

“It does make sense, Captain,” returned the Doctor, “I can’t tend to you outside of sickbay. If something were to happen, and the transporters were down…”

“I understand, Doctor,” blew out Kathryn as she held up a hand to halt his words, “I’ll leave Kes in your hands while I inform the senior staff. B’Elanna should begin on the alterations as soon as possible.”

“I’ll be sure to stress the confidentiality regarding your situation to Kes, Captain,” assured the Doctor as Kathryn stood, “You have my word.”

Chapter Text

4 - Little Do You Know

Because she’d had ample time to think while she’d lain awake in the stasis pod, Kathryn’s mind had wandered through the path her life had taken. From the woman, she was certain she had been before the interference in so many lives by the Caretaker, through the decisions that she’d been faced with that had led her to where she was. With so much having been out of her hands entirely, by the time she’d been freed from the stasis pod, the Captain found herself with a deep need to know more about the woman whose place she had stepped into.

In an effort to learn all that she could, over the course of several days, whenever she found time to herself, Kathryn took to accessing the Captain’s logs from the time before she had arrived as she attempted to decipher any subtle expressions or tones of voice that could help her to better understand… Herself.

With Kathryn becoming distracted by her thoughts, Chakotay had attempted to work out the reasoning behind her silence, at first thinking something had happened that she wasn’t talking about, while she’d prepared to outsmart the physical representation of fear. Though with her continued insistence that she was only thinking again of the differences between their two ships, while he could see that she was being truthful, he couldn’t shake his feeling that she was also holding back.

Wanting to give his support, while not wanting to push, as Kathryn’s distraction stretched on through the days, Chakotay secretly planned some time for them to relax on the holodeck in hopes that a change of scenery and a willing ear would help her to return to the woman he’d begun to reacquaint himself with.

Unaware of what Chakotay secretly schemed, Kathryn continued to go about her days in deep thought. With her distraction, one that she believed she managed to set aside fully as she worked, while she had begun to notice that he’d started to hold her with looks that were filled with his unspoken curiosity, the Captain managed to delude herself into thinking that he remained oblivious to her silent and growing unease.

When the day finally came that Chakotay was prepared to set his plan into action, he felt as though the universe was making it possible as they came to a planet containing a type of flower that could supply the ship with a valuable nutritional substitute, and Tuvok, along with Neelix, was tasked with retrieving samples from the planet’s surface. With the mission sure to take a few hours to complete, when the Captain disappeared into her ready room, the Commander took his chance.

Finding herself with time on her hands while they awaited the return of the away team, Kathryn thought to go through the last of the personal logs her other self had recorded. Though sitting behind her desk, as she moved to access her desktop console, the sound of the door chime halted her actions to instead turn her attention toward the door, “Come,” she called out.

Entering the space, Chakotay smiled as he clasped his hands behind his back, “Busy?” He asked casually.

“No,” answered Kathryn evenly, “What did you need?”

Coming to a stop in front of the desk, Chakotay’s smile grew, “I was hoping for your company,” he said, “We have some time, and I thought that we could spend it unwinding some on the holodeck.”

Sitting back in her seat, Kathryn regarded Chakotay for a silent moment before she began to slowly nod her head, “I do believe that’s just what I need,” she finally said, “So, when did you come up with this?”

“When you got quiet,” returned Chakotay as he dropped his hands to his sides, “I can tell that you’ve been lost in your thoughts. But, I’m here, you can tell me anything.”

As her chest tightened with his words, Kathryn drew in a deep breath, “Alright,” she agreed softly.

Nodding as his smile turned gentle, Chakotay glanced at the time, “We have half an hour still before my time starts,” he said, “How about you meet me outside of holodeck one then?”

“Sounds good,” returned Kathryn before she pushed herself to her feet, “That’ll give me some time to freshen up a bit.”

“I’ll take care of handing off the bridge,” said Chakotay, “And I’ll see you then.”

Nodding as she pulled a smile into place, Kathryn watched as Chakotay exited the space as her mind began to turn. With her thoughts circling the prospect of telling him everything, she silently turned to make her way out of the ready rooms' rear. Internally debating with herself as she made her way to her quarters, as she entered the space, the Captain impulsively turned toward her replicator, where she stood for a long moment before she finally called out a request.

As the replicator hummed, Kathryn swallowed nervously when what she’d asked for appeared before she tentatively lifted the soft plush teddy bear from the wall-mounted device. Silently staring at the simple object in her hands, as she thought of giving it to Chakotay, her shaky courage began to falter before she attempted to shake it off as she turned to make her way into her bedroom. With time to spare, she repeatedly cast her gaze to the teddy she’d placed on her bed while she unnecessarily fussed with her appearance, and when the time came for her to begin toward the holodeck, instead of bringing the toy as she’d originally thought to, she allowed her nerves to get the better of her as she turned from her bedroom to leave the stuffed bear sitting on her bed.

*************

Making his way to holodeck one before Kathryn, Chakotay ensured that it would be empty when she arrived, as he input his desired program before he turned to stand in wait for his companion with a hopeful anticipation that what he planned to do would be able to help her work through even a portion of what weighed so heavily on her mind.

When she finally appeared along the corridor in front of him, the smile that stretched across Chakotay’s lips faltered somewhat as Kathryn’s steps slowed when her eyes found him, and as she came to a stop, he attempted to cast the sudden feeling of worry he had away. “Are you ready?” He asked carefully.

“As ready as I can be,” returned Kathryn as her mind darted briefly to the teddy bear that she’d left lying on her bed.

Nodding as he turned to open the holodeck doors, Chakotay motioned for her to precede him inside, “After you,” he said.

Stepping past him onto the holodeck, Kathryn moved forward a bit before she paused, “Where are we this time?” She questioned as she took in her view of the nature surrounding them. From the hills and valleys to the far-off woods.

“Dorvan V,” answered Chakotay easily, “This is a place not far from my home.”

At his words, Kathryn’s mind flashed to a moment in her past when Chakotay had proudly shown her his favorite place on his home-world, and realizing that she was again in that moment, she could feel an anticipation rising inside of her for the joy that he had emanated when he’d made his big reveal. Because she wanted more than anything to have that experience once more, as she turned her gaze to him, she schooled her features into a look of curiosity, “What are we doing here?” She questioned.

“Walking,” returned Chakotay as he reached out to lace his fingers with hers, “And talking, if you feel like you need to.”

Beginning forward as Chakotay urged her into motion, Kathryn was silent as they moved while she thought over everything that was being left unspoken between them, and as her thoughts left her feeling a bit out of place, she shifted herself against his side to lean more heavily into him, “This whole being displaced thing,” she finally said softly, “I didn’t have any misconceptions that this wouldn’t be hard for me. But…” Pausing as she heaved a sigh, she lightly shook her head, “I’m not sure I could have anticipated it feeling this hard.”

“Can I make it easier for you?” Chakotay questioned, “I’ll do anything that you need me to.”

“Unfortunately,” breathed Kathryn, “You’re one of the reasons that this has all been so hard for me.”

“I don’t mean to,” returned Chakotay.

“It’s nothing that you’ve done,” blew out Kathryn, “It’s me. I told you before, everything here is the same, and yet so very different.”

“Just tell me how to make it more of what you need,” insisted Chakotay.

“You’re doing it,” returned Kathryn, “While you are different… You’re Chakotay, and right now, you are what I need the most.”

“But, I thought I was one of the things that was making this hard for you,” said Chakotay tentatively, “How can I do that, and be what you need all at the same time?”

“It’s too complicated to explain,” breathed Kathryn, “Though, as long as you continue to be… You. I’m sure that I’ll manage to get through this.”

When she pressed herself closer to his side, Chakotay moved impulsively on a thought as he freed his hand from hers and slipped his arm around her back. With her move as abrupt as his, when she shifted his hand from her waist to her hip as though on instinct, he lightly frowned down at her, “Is there something wrong with my holding your waist?” He questioned softly.

“No,” blew out Kathryn in answer as she adjusted her hand over his and again thought of the teddy bear in her quarters, “It’s only…” she began hesitantly before the sound of her comm badge interrupted her words and she brought them to a stop, “Janeway here,” she called.

“Captain,” called out Harry’s voice, “There’s been an incident with the transporters. Your presence is being requested in sickbay.”

Casting a look at Chakotay, Kathryn sighed as he wordlessly turned them, “I’m on my way,” she said as they began back toward the entrance.

*************

Discovering that the incident with the transporter had resulted in the merging of Neelix and Tuvok, as well as the flower sample they had been sent to retrieve, Kathryn found herself faced with a situation of mortality. With the merged being taking on the name, Tuvix for himself out of some sort of respect for the men who’s lives had been given to create him, because the Doctor had no easy fix and was working diligently to find a solution, the Captain found herself with no course to take but to allow this new being to interact with the crew while they remained uncertain if they would ever be able to separate their affected crewmen.

After having believed that she could have lost Tuvok only just over a week before, while everything that could be done was being done, Kathryn struggled with the prospect of Tuvix becoming a permanent part of her crew, while those she’d come to cherish would be lost forever.

Because these new events were something that needed a lot of intricate work to ensure that their newest crew member wasn’t allowed access to pertinent information in private, as crewmen were tasked with overseeing him, Chakotay had no other option but to let Kathryn sort through her shifting emotions without him. Though once he was certain that things were being well handled by those he’d tasked with doing so, the Commander finally went in search of his Captain.

Learning that she was in her ready room, as he passed through the bridge, Chakotay inquired about the status of things before he continued to the Captain’s privet space. Because he hadn’t let her know that he was looking for her, when there was a pause before the door opened, he stepped inside, expecting to find her working, only to find that Kathryn was sitting on her couch while she sniffled and dabbed at her eyes, “Hey!” He called gently as he quickly crossed the space, “What is it?!”

Pulling in a deep breath at his question, Kathryn dropped her hands into her lap, “It’s nothing,” she attempted to dismiss, “Was there something that you needed?”

“Yeah, there was,” returned Chakotay as he took a seat beside Kathryn and turned his body to face hers, “I wanted to make sure that you were alright, and I see now that you’re not.”

Heaving a sigh as Chakotay rested a hand over her thigh, Kathryn pressed her lips together as he raised his other hand to wipe the wetness she’d missed from her cheeks, and when his hand finally settled to rest over the side of her face, she leaned into his touch, “I’m only beating myself up is all,” she breathed, “Just last week I was so scared we would lose Tuvok, and now… Now we run the risk of losing both him and Neelix.”

“The Doctor’s working on it,” eased Chakotay, “You know that he won’t stop. Not until he’s figured this all out… One way or another.”

“I know,” sighed Kathryn, “But that doesn’t make this any easier. Tuvix… He’s doing everything he can to fit in with the crew. Utilizing the knowledge of both Tuvok and Neelix with apparent ease.”

Frowning lightly at her softly spoken words, Chakotay shifted his hand from her face to instead gently rub it over her back, “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he suggested.

“I’m thinking that I’m being faced with two inevitable options, and neither comes without some type of loss,” blew out Kathryn, “Did I choose right? Allowing Tuvix the interactions he’s had with the crew?”

“What else could you have done?” Asked Chakotay, “Lock him in the brig?” When her look of despair shifted briefly to one of annoyance at his words, a tender smile pulled at his lips, “For now,” he said softly, “You’re doing everything that you can.”

“And what about when the Doctor finally concludes his work?” Countered Kathryn, “How will I be able to condemn Tuvix’s life if there is a way to separate Tuvok and Neelix?”

“Would it be any better if I were to make the choice?” Offered Chakotay, “All you need to do is say the word, and I will readily take that burden from you.”

Heaving a heavy sigh, Kathryn rested a hand over Chakotay’s on her thigh, “You don’t know how tempting that is,” she breathed, “But that’s the Captain’s duty… To take on the tough choices.”

Turning his hand beneath hers to grasp a hold of her fingers, Chakotay gently urged her to lean against his chest, “Alright,” he said softly, “Just know that I’m here, and I’ll take on anything that you might find too difficult.”

Nodding against his chest, Kathryn’s mind held on the issue they faced as she allowed herself to relax fully into his hold, while the decision she would have to make wasn’t certain, she resolved herself to taking it all one step at a time.

*************

While Chakotay remained ever the sturdy support that she needed as the days passed into weeks after the incident that had left their crew down one member as they acclimated themselves with a new face, Kathryn’s struggling thoughts found little ease after each interaction she had with Tuvix while she attempted to fairly weigh a man’s right to live with the right’s of those who’s voices had been silenced in his creation.

After a late night visit from Kes, who’d voiced her conflicting emotions regarding the situation, the young woman’s words of longing for Neelix’s return, as well as her hesitance to condemn Tuvix to death, had so mirrored the Captain’s thoughts, that when Kathryn was informed of the Doctor’s nearing success, she found herself in need of some solitude.

Though she had hours left in her duty shift, Kathryn put little thought into handing bridge control to Harry before she made her way to her quarters. Because the decision she dreaded making was quickly becoming a choice she would soon have to make without hesitation, as she entered her space, she began to pace while she worried her hands. With her thoughts remaining an emotional mess, as the hours passed, she paused to eat and stare out at the stars before she again set to work wearing a path along her main living area's carpet.

As she’d hoped, the silence would help her conclude everything, while she found herself leaning in one direction over the other, her lack of assurance became a mild frustration the longer she thought, and when she again felt the pangs of hunger, she heaved a heavy sigh before she called for a sweet but healthy treat of fresh-cut fruit.

Where before she would have dismissed any urge to snack, because she knew that it was her child who was requesting further nourishment, as she leaned a hip against the table at her side while she picked at the colorful food she’d chosen, Kathryn shook her head as she dropped her gaze to her stomach, “If you keep this up,” she said around the food in her mouth, “My figure is going to have a hard time recovering.”

With her words colored by her smile as she moved a hand to rub over her stomach, when her door chime suddenly sounded, Kathryn jumped involuntarily as she quickly straightened from her leaned position and set aside the bowl she held, “Come,” she called.

Stepping into Kathryn’s quarters when the door opened in front of him, Chakotay turned a curious look in her direction, “Aren’t you on duty?” He questioned.

Having been unsure of who would enter her quarters, while Chakotay crossed the space toward her, Kathryn again lifted the bowl she’d been eating from as his presence allowed her to return to her semi-relaxed state, “Only for another hour,” she answered after casting a glance toward the time.

Slowing his steps as Kathryn turned her attention to the bowl she held, Chakotay narrowed his gaze, “Did something happen?” He asked carefully.

Nodding, Kathryn placed a bite in her mouth to slowly chew for a moment before she sighed, “You could say that,” she answered, “The Doctor contacted me earlier…”

As her gaze lifted to his, Chakotay closed the remaining distance between them at the emotional turmoil he could see in the blue depths of her eyes, “What did he say?” He asked softly.

“He’s on the verge of succeeding,” blew out Kathryn in return, “He only needs a day or so more, and… And, he’ll have a way to right what the transporter did, bringing back Tuvok and Neelix.”

“That’s good news,” returned Chakotay, “Isn’t it?”

Lightly shrugging, Kathryn slowly shook her head, “That’s my issue,” she said thoughtfully, “I’d thought… Maybe this might have been an easier decision to make. But, no matter how I might feel about everything, I keep running into the same overall question for myself. Do I have the right?”

Reaching out to take a hold of her free hand, Chakotay impulsively led Kathryn to her couch, where he sat before he motioned for her to lie back against him. As she silently did so and shifted her body to lay against his chest, he drew in a deep breath as he secured an arm around her to gently rub his hand over the side of her thigh, “I understand where you’re coming from,” he eased, “Though, in this case, I think that it’s less about having a right, and more about doing what’s right.”

“You mean putting the many before the few,” blew out Kathryn as she heavily lowered the bowl she held into her lap.

“It’s never easy to do,” returned Chakotay, “And my offer still stands. If this is too much for you, I’ll make the call.”

“And what call would that be?” Kathryn questioned softly.

“The same one that I’m sure you’re leaning toward,” answered Chakotay easily, “Tuvix… He is something else. But he can never replace Tuvok and Neelix. Not for anyone on board.”

“And how can you be sure of that?” Countered Kathryn, “I mean, how does the crew feel?”

“I just am,” returned Chakotay, “We’ve lost two very necessary members of our crew, and we’re all feeling it.”

With his comforting ease settling her nerves, Kathryn’s resolve in her decision began to solidify while she silently picked at her fruit, the act of lifting bites that were readily accepted by Chakotay soon leaving her bowl empty, while her satisfied hunger and acceptance of the choice she would have to make allowed a lingering exhaustion to overtake her.

When the feel of Kathryn’s body fully relaxed against him in sleep, Chakotay softly smiled as he silently held her. Because he’d been sure that the decision she needed to make had been affecting her sleep, as the minutes ticked by he was certain that he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to move, and relenting to the fact that he was trapped for the night, his smile grew before he pressed a kiss to the top of her head and settled in to sleep.

*************

Slowly awaking the following morning, Kathryn felt more comfort than she had in weeks, and carefully flexing her fingers over the warmth beneath her hand, as she opened her eyes, she heaved a soft sigh. Because she hadn’t realized that she’d been on the verge of falling to sleep, her position curled against Chakotay’s side on the couch was unexpected, though his decision to remain in place instead of waking her filled her with a sense of being adored.

With the pleasant emotions his choice invoked inside of her, keeping her still while she relished in the feel of him, when a sensation of movement over her stomach drew her attention, Kathryn lowered her gaze to find that sometime during the night, Chakotay had shifted himself to rest a hand flat over her midsection. Choosing to believe that the move had been made after he’d fallen to sleep, when his fingers flexed over her, she found her breath catching as her chest tightened.

Because he couldn’t know what she kept hidden under his very hand, as Kathryn’s mind turned to the prospect of confessing her secret, the sound of her comm badge startled her, impulsively jerking her forward as she lifted a hand to push Chakotay’s from her stomach, “Janeway here,” she called softly.

“Captain,” called back the Doctor, “I’ve done it. I am certain that I can now separate Lieutenant Tuvok and Mr. Neelix safely.”

Feeling a movement behind her, Kathryn looked back over her shoulder as Chakotay moved to stretch his body, and again turning her gaze away as he lifted a hand to rub over her lower back, she pulled in a deep breath, “Thank you, Doctor,” she returned, “I’ll escort Mr. Tuvix to sickbay shortly.”

Sighing as she closed the comm, Chakotay pushed himself forward, “Last chance,” he said gently, “Say the word, and I’ll do this.”

Turning her gaze to his, Kathryn heaved a soft sigh as she lifted a hand to rest over Chakotay’s thigh, “Honestly, that is tempting,” she admitted, “But no, I’ll do this.”

Nodding as she pushed to her feet, Chakotay followed her moves with his gaze, “You’ll take time for a cup of coffee at least?” He asked as she made her way toward her bedroom.

“That, and maybe something small to eat,” returned Kathryn, “I’m just going to freshen up a bit.”

Smiling softly as she disappeared from his view, Chakotay pushed to his feet and crossed toward the replicator, “Computer,” he called as he moved, “Two coffees, black, and… Two servings of mixed berry danish.”

Because he couldn’t know if Kathryn would want to sit, or if her nerves would leave her too anxious, Chakotay moved what he’d replicated to the dining table before he stood at its end and sipped at the drink he’d replicated for himself. After she had fallen silent the night before, he’d found himself with ample time to ponder further over the differences he’d discovered and continued to find in the woman who perpetually left him in a state of semi-confusion.

While he admired her big heart and gentle ways, he knew that the situation they found themselves in was bound to be difficult for her. Where before he was certain that she would have pulled back and attempted to carry it all on her own, the shift that had led to her being more open with him, allowing her emotions to show in his presence, remained something that baffled him.

Being unable to shake the feeling that there was something more that had changed, something that Kathryn was keeping to herself, when she again appeared, Chakotay shifted the mug he held into one hand before lifting the other into his free hand, “Hot and black,” he said with a knowing smile.

“Perfect,” returned Kathryn as she came to a stop in front of him and accepted the mug he offered before she leaned forward, “Thank you,” she said softly before she pressed a tender kiss to his lips.

“You’re welcome.”

Savoring her first drink of the steaming black liquid, as Kathryn lowered the mug, she turned her gaze to the plate sitting at Chakotay’s side, “Is that Danish?” She asked with a nod toward the table.

“Mixed berry,” answered Chakotay, “Something sweet to go with the coffee sounded good.”

“A sugar boost is just what I need,” said Kathryn as she reached out to lift one of the pastries, “It smells delightful.”

As she bit into the sweet treat, Chakotay watched silently for a long moment while she savored the food between sips of coffee, and when she finished, the way her eyes darted to the second pastry on the plate before she averted her gaze made him chuckle as he reached out, “You can have it if you’d like,” he said.

“I really shouldn’t eat two,” returned Kathryn with a sigh.

“Are you still hungry?” Challenged Chakotay, her silent response of rolling her eyes increasing the volume of his laughter as he set aside his mug and promptly split the danish in two, “How about half?” He asked.

Hooding her gaze at his offer, as Chakotay held out half of his pastry, Kathryn blew out a long breath before a smile tugged her lips to the side, “You’re not supposed to encourage me,” she said as an amusement tinged her voice.

“I’m not encouraging you,” returned Chakotay, “I’m providing. If you’re hungry, eat.”

“Fine,” sighed Kathryn as she accepted what he offered, “I guess I will need the energy.”

With her words draining the amusement from her eyes as she thoughtfully began to eat what he’d given her, Chakotay blew out a soft breath, “Don’t twist yourself up with this,” he said, “You’re doing the right thing. No matter how it might seem. Believe that.”

Lifting her gaze to his as he took a purposeful bite from what he held, Kathryn slowly nodded, “Right,” she said softly.