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“-what do you think?” Josh looked up, seeing Tyler’s eyes on him.
“Uh, sorry, what was that?” Tyler sighed from the other side of Josh’s couch.
“I was asking you if you thought we should put some decorations in the van. For the video?” He looked at Josh expectantly.
“Oh. Uh, yeah, sure. Sounds good.” His voice felt strange.
“Josh, do you even want to do this?” Tyler snapped at him.
“Of course.” Absolutely not. He snapped back. Tyler just glared at him.
“Then you gotta start getting involved. You already did the hard part; the song’s done. We just need to do this video. But you’re not focused. You keep zoning out, and I’ve never seen someone so unenthusiastic about their own music video.”
Josh just sat quietly.
“We don’t have to do the van. If you don’t want to. We can change the visuals, make it less… literal. If that would help.”
“No! I don’t need help!” Josh surprised himself with his outburst. “I mean. It makes sense for the video to match the lyrics. I’ll be fine, Tyler. Just…”
“Just give me a minute.”
Josh pushed himself to his feet, walking calmly at first and then running once he was around the corner. He slammed the bathroom door behind him as he ran to the sink, gripping the edges tightly. He breathed shakily.
“Get it together,” Josh told the man in the mirror. “You can’t break down in front of Tyler.”
He splashed cold water on his face, rubbing away the tears forming in his eyes.
“No. Can’t cry.” He took a deep breath and returned to where Tyler sat.
“You alright man?”His best friend’s eyes stared across at him quizzically.
“Yeah. Tired. Let’s go through the shoot details again.” Josh hoped his voice did not waver.
|-/
Josh had been snappy lately, he knew that. It didn’t mean he’d stop it though. Something about this song, this shoot, it was almost too personal. The song’s about you, idiot. Of course it’s personal.
He shook his head, trying not to think too much.
It was personal, but not in the cathartic way he’d wanted it to be. It was personal in the sense that writing it with Tyler had brought up old memories he’d rather keep buried. Old feelings he’d worked hard not to feel anymore, and reminded him of the origin of his old habits. Don’t think about it. Don’t think.
“Josh, what’s wrong with you, man?” Tyler’s voice was light, joking.
“I’m fine. What are we shooting first?”
They’d put him in a van, drums in the back, just like the early days. When a van and his drums were all Josh had. As he pretended to drive, he slammed his hands down on the steering wheel, harder than necessary for the shot. His hands stung, although he barely felt it.
“Josh? Josh? You can stop now.” He looked around. The music had stopped. He hadn’t noticed.
“Right.”
The next shot was of Josh and Tyler in the van together. It wouldn’t have been too bad, except that Josh couldn’t stop thinking. He was reminded of a time when he hadn’t known Tyler, when he was alone. Tyler hadn’t seen him like that. He can’t. Don’t let him see it.
It was as if Tyler had inserted himself in Josh’s memories, as a bystander, watching him struggle. Josh could hardly breathe. After the take ended, Tyler leaned forward to Josh in the driver’s seat.
“You okay, dude? We can take a break if you want-“
“No. No, let’s just… let’s just get this over with, alright?”
Tyler nodded silently. “Okay. Singing up next.”
Josh’s stomach dropped at those words. You’re gonna have to hear yourself sing. Everyone is going to hear you.
Josh’s chest tightened. “Okay.” He managed breathlessly.
The shot went fine, they got all the angles they needed, and Josh didn’t pass out from the anxiety. He could tell that the concerned expression on Tyler’s face in the back seat was not just acting. You made him worry.
Something about seeing Tyler portraying how Josh felt… it was just too much. Tyler brought his hands to his ears and screamed, unnecessarily loud for a music video where it wouldn’t be heard. Things started to feel a little too real. It was the same way Josh had cried and screamed when his life was going to shit. The life he never thought he’d make it through.
As soon as the shot finished, Josh threw open the door and bolted from the van, running to the nearest wall and collapsing against it, his head spinning. He heard the slam of the van’s back door.
Josh’s breathing grew ragged as he struggled to take any air into his lungs. He felt like he was choking. The world spun around him as flashes of memories he didn’t want played across his mind.
“Worthless piece of shit!” Josh whimpered. Hands were grabbing him, shaking him roughly.
“Please don’t hurt me.” He whispered through his tears, shutting his eyes tight and pressing his hands over his face. Someone was talking to him, but he couldn’t quite hear it. The hands were gone.
Josh tried to focus, feeling the cold cement wall against his back, as his heaving breaths shook his whole body. In, out.
“…Josh?” He kept his hands pressed to his eyes. Surely he’d be safer that way.
“Josh.” Gentle hands brushed against his, before lightly circling his wrists. Josh felt his hands slowly pulled away from his face. Blinking in the sudden bright light, Josh saw Tyler kneeling in front of him, concern painted across his features. He took a deep breath in, his trembling hands held still by Tyler’s ink-stained ones.
“Hey.” Tyler said simply. “You with me now?” Josh nodded shakily. His eyes darted around the set. Tyler must have told the crew to leave.
“Sorry.” He mumbled softly. Tyler’s gaze hardened.
“Hey, no. None of that. I’m sorry, Josh, I should have noticed you weren’t doing okay. This is not your fault, you hear me?” Josh nodded again.
“Good.” A small smile spread on Tyler’s face. “You want a hug?” Josh didn’t need to be asked twice. He folded forward into Tyler’s arms, burying his face in Tyler’s chest. He breathed in deeply as Tyler rubbed circles into his back.
“You’re okay.” He whispered into Josh’s hair. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”
“It’s fine, Tyler.”
“No, it’s not. You’ve been weird recently, not yourself. I should have connected the dots.” They sat in silence for a moment.
“What can I do?” Tyler continued. “How can I make the rest of today easier for you?”
Josh thought for a moment. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do.” Josh could practically hear Tyler’s face fall.
“Nothing?” He pleaded.
“No. But it… it’ll be easier now. Now that you know. And I’m not hiding it from you.”
Tyler nodded against him. “We’re gonna take more breaks. And when we finish the shoot, we’re gonna talk about this.”
“Okay.”
“Josh? I care about you, you know.” His heart skipped a beat.
“I know.” He wiped the tears from his face.
“Come on then. Let’s do the next shot. It’s the drumming one.”
Josh smiled a little. He’d be okay. Tyler would make sure of it.