Work Text:
November 9th, 2011
Dear Daddy,
I can’t wait for you to come home! Mommy and I miss you so much.
I smiled for the first time yesterday. Mommy took a load of pictures, but she was crying, so I was crying too. We don’t know how long post takes to get to you in Afghanistan, so Mommy took some photos of me in some Christmas outfits for you. I liked the reindeer outfit best – the onesie was fluffy and warm, and I kept taking the antlers off my head to put them in my mouth. I didn’t like my Santa beard much, but I liked my elf onesie – when I kicked my feet the bells on my booties rang.
Grandma and Grandpa are putting the family photo from the hospital on their Christmas cards this year. I’m very proud to be front and center of the card, even though I was wearing nothing but a blanket!
Stay safe.
Love, Christopher (aged 7 weeks).
Dear Eddie.
Happy 6 month wedding anniversary. I wish you were here. Christopher and I miss you.
Your parents are going to write to you, probably telling you everything, but I want you to hear from me.
Christopher gave his first smile yesterday. I put him in his crib for naptime and gave him a kiss and told him he’s loved, and rubbed his tummy and he beamed the most gorgeous smile. Oh god, I cried. He’s so beautiful, Eddie, I wish you could have seen him. I think he might be a daddy’s boy, actually. When you’re mentioned, he looks around for you. He hardly reacts when your mom coos at him, which I think pisses her off, but as soon as he hears your name, he’s staring around the room. Daddy and milk are his two favourite words.
My mom went back to California last week, but might be coming for Christmas. I know it’s soon to come back, but she doesn’t want to miss her only grandson’s first Christmas. She sends her love.
Adri came home with a boyfriend last week. Your dad was in and went MAD. I thought he was going to start a fight. I’m not sure who was more worried about the shouting – Christopher or Soph – but Adri just laughed and told him to be pleased she hadn’t brought a girl. I’ve never seen a human go those shades of red and purple. Definitely shut him up, though!
Soph has been absolutely gorgeous with Christopher – I don’t know if it’s because they’re closer in age, but she begs to feed him when he’s got his bottle, and to hold him, and choose his clothes and help with his baths. She’ll be favourite aunty if she keeps this up, but teenagehood might chill her out a bit.
It’s Veteran’s Day this week, and we’ve been invited to a “wives and husbands dinner” at the town hall. I don’t know if I’m going to go. Your parents are desperate to watch Christopher, but I don’t know if I can cope with the looks from all the other wives of deployed husbands. We’re kids, Eddie. You shouldn’t be at war. You should be here with me and your son. I can’t work out if I’m still mad at you, or just fucking heartbroken about everything.
We love you. Stay safe.
Shannon.
December 1st, 2011
Dear Santa,
For Christmas, I would please like some books, some new onesies, and some new stuffies. I’d like a toy that rattles or jingles when Grandma looks after me, but that we can leave at Grandma’s so it doesn’t give Mommy a headache.
Please look after my Daddy in Afghanistan. Please make sure he comes home to me and Mommy safe.
I’d like to videocall Daddy on Christmas Day. It’s my first Christmas, so it would be so nice to be able to spend it as a family, even through a screen.
Thanks Santa.
Love, Christopher (11 weeks).
Dear Santa,
Jesus Christ, I’m 20 years old. I haven’t written to Santa since you didn’t bring me that puppy when I was 6.
Santa, I need my husband back. More than that, I need my Eddie. I don’t care he’s my husband. He’s my best friend. He’s my kid’s dad. I can’t do this without him.
Helena is awful. I know you’re not supposed to speak badly of your relatives – put me on the naughty list if you want – but I’m so new to this, and I’m so scared of ruining my son’s life, and all I get from Helena is sanctimonious shit about how Eddie was such an easy baby. Well, Eddie isn’t my baby, and Christopher isn’t hers, and if she was such a good mother with such an easy baby, why did her kid sneak out to parties at the lake every night?
I’m only 20, but I’m not going to take Helena’s bullshit. I’m not going to let her talk me into thinking I’m a bad mom because my kid cries sometimes. I’m not going to let her take my kid for the week because I could “use the sleep”. But I need my Eddie back. I need him to get his mother to back off. I need someone to trade off the night feeds so I can sleep more than an hour at the time. Just once I’d like someone to make ME dinner while I’m trying to persuade a screaming baby he wants to feed.
I need someone on my side. I need him to not die and leave me forever.
Please, Santa. There’s no-one else I can ask about this.
Shannon.
December 24th, 2011
Dear Daddy,
Mommy says that you’re not going to get this in time for Christmas, but that I should write to you anyway. I’m so excited for Christmas. I’m excited to spend the day with my family, and to get the presents under the tree, and to have whatever food made it into Mommy’s milk.
I’m looking forward to videocalling you on Christmas Day and showing you my presents and my new Christmas outfit. I don’t know what it’s going to look like, yet, because it’s in my stocking, but I’m excited to wear it.
I’m sad you won’t be able to see me open my stocking, but Mommy says I’ll probably just chew half my gifts, then nap most of the morning. I love napping.
Stay safe, Daddy, and come home soon.
Love, Christopher (14 weeks)
Dear Eddie,
Christopher LOVES Christmas lights. I’ve gone all-out with decorations for our baby’s first Christmas. I’ve put the tree up and he loves to lie underneath and stare at the lights. I’ve put lights up in our front window, and up over the gutter. My Mom has sent a bauble that says Baby’s First Christmas and I’ve hung it where he can see it, but not where he can reach it.
I’ve put Christmas sheets in Christopher’s crib, and a little fiber-optic tree on his nightstand so he can stare at the lights in bed. It’s right next to the picture of you so he can’t forget who you are. Every time I put him to bed, and I kiss him from me, and then I kiss him from you.
My Mom knitted Christopher a stocking – it’s red and white with all those Christmas patterns from those ugly Christmas sweaters, but he loves it. I’ve filled it and hung it on the end of his crib – it’s mainly rattles and bathtoys, but he’ll have fun. Under the tree from us is one of those baby playmat things, with the arch you can hang toys off. He loves reaching and kicking, so I think he’s going to love it. My mom knitted him another blanket – that kid is going to be warm and snuggly every day of his life.
I hope you like the artwork I’ve enclosed – Christopher has baby art class on a Thursday, and they made his handprints into Christmas trees and Santa faces, and his footprints into reindeer. I’ve got them on a plate for your parents.
Stay safe. We love you.
Shannon.
February 2nd, 2012
Dear Santa,
I know it’s not Christmas, but I beg you, please bring me a child who sleeps. I know babies don’t sleep through the night yet, but Christopher screams from morning to night, and night until morning. I’ve never known such an unhappy baby, not even when I worried in that preschool when I was 16 during summer break.
I took Christopher to the doctors this morning, and they said he’s in pain and to give him baby Tylenol. They said he’s probably just teething, and it’ll stop in a few days. It’s been two weeks and no sign of any teeth yet! Please, Santa, make my baby feel better.
I’ve written to Eddie, but he never writes back. I know he’s scared of being a dad. I’m fucking terrified of being a mom, but I’m stepping the fuck up for my boy, and he needs to, too. He’s supposed to be my partner. He’s my kid’s dad. We’re supposed to be in this together. Then one day he told me “I’m fucking off to the other side of the world, but at least you get my pittance of income”.
Bring Eddie home please, Santa. We need him home. Christopher needs his Daddy. I need my partner. I can’t do this on my own, I really can’t.
Shannon.
April 16th, 2012
Dear Santa,
I’m terrified. My baby is still in pain, and I’m by myself, and I’m terrified. Christopher needs to go for tests. He’s not holding his head up properly. He’s not sitting up. He’s not rolling over. Christopher is missing his milestones and that could be very, very bad.
I don’t have anyone else to tell. Eddie’s dodging my videocalls. My Mommy and Me group has disbanded, and there’s no way in Hell I can tell Helena fucking Diaz. Helena, who is waiting for an excuse to take Christopher from me. Every time I bring Christopher round so I can go to work, I can see her judging me for how I’m dressed, or the fact I don’t stay home with him 24/7, or how my child does nothing but cry.
I don’t know what you do between Christmases, Santa. I don’t know if you’re hibernating, or supervising elves, or on vacation or what but please, please, fix my boy. Keep watch over him like Santa Jesus or something, and see he gets better. If this is a sign of a bigger problem, I don’t know what I’d do.
If I lose my son, I don’t know how I’d cope.
Please, Santa. Just look after him. And Eddie too.
Shannon.
September 18th, 2012
Dear Eddie,
I can’t believe it’s nearly Christopher’s birthday. When you were out in Afghanistan this time last year, I thought it was OK. I thought you’d finish your tour, you’d come home, and we’d be a family. I’d be able to watch my husband playing with his son. That Christopher would be able to have his dad here for his first steps, for his first words, for his first birthday. I thought we’d go shopping and hand-pick him gifts together. I thought we could host his birthday party in our garden. I thought we’d be together.
Come home soon. Christopher needs his daddy.
Shannon.
December 1st, 2012
Dear Santa,
I hope you’ve had a good year. This year I would please like some new books for Mommy to read to me. I love reading. I would love some new clothes. Mommy says I’m growing up too quickly and she wants me to stay tiny forever, but I can’t stop eating, and that’s making me big and tall. Please can I have some new toys. Maybe a toy drum so I can perform for Grandma, or maybe one of those dancing bears that lights up and plays music. The doctors say that lights and music are good for my development. It’s not at all because Mommy and Grandma had a massive fight last week and are no longer talking.
Please look after my Daddy and keep him safe.
Love, Christopher (15 months)
Dear Santa,
This year I’m asking for:
- My boy to be healthy
- My husband to come home alive
- Better internet in US overseas army bases
- A break from my mother-in-law
I don’t think it’s much to ask, to be honest.
Shannon.
September 27th, 2013
Fuck you, Eddie. Fuck you so fucking much you fucking coward dickhead asshole. You’re pathetic, you’re a disgrace, you’re a fucking coward. I see right through you and your bullshit. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself and I hope your godawful mother is, too. Go fuck yourself and get the fuck over yourself and step up for your fucking son.
Eddie,
Christopher had a beautiful second birthday. We had a picnic in the park and his friends from Rhyme Time at the library came, and his ones from Music And Shakers. We did some dancing and played in the play area. Christopher insisted he stay on the swing for almost half an hour. Your mom made a chocolate cake.
I’ve enclosed copies of all the information about cerebral palsy the doctors gave me.
Hopefully we’ll have videochatted by the time you’ve got this letter, so you can wish your son a happy birthday.
Shannon
December 1st, 2013
Dear Santa,
I really enjoyed meeting you last week at the mall. I’m sorry I cried when I sat in your lap. For Christmas I would like some new toys with lots of loud noises and plenty of batteries to keep at Grandma’s house. Maybe I can play with them while Grandma is trying to read her book, or when Grandma insists I sleep over at her house and I wake up at 2am.
I would please love some art supplies – mommy sits and draws or paints me sometimes, and I always try and steal her expensive coloring pencils or oil paints. I also enjoy helping Mommy in the garden planting flowers. I especially like when Mommy lets me pull on weeds. I would love a gardening set to use under very, very close supervision.
Please look after my Daddy and bring him home safe.
Love Christopher (aged 2)
Dear Eddie,
Christopher has become obsessed with Christmas music. We have to put ‘Rocking Tree’ (Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree) on repeat otherwise he won’t eat his dinner or have his bath. I know the lyrics by heart and can sing it in my sleep. It haunts my dreams. But I’ll always love it because he loves it. He laughs and he stamps his feet and his face lights up. It’s honestly the most magical sight. He told me he can’t wait for “Chris’fer-mas”. My mom is coming over for Christophermas again this year. We’re so excited to see her.
The radio in the car played I’ll Be Home For Christmas the other day and I had to pull over because I couldn’t stop crying. Christopher freaked out in his car seat. I wish you’ll be home for Christmas.
Christopher misses you.
Shannon
Dear Santa,
I can’t begin to tell you what happened with Helena, but there was some sort of sarcastic, condescending shit said, and Christopher had kept me up all night screaming for Eddie, and I just lost it. I’m not proud of it. I’m exhausted, and Eddie isn’t here, and Helena is vile and I’m just so alone right now, fending for myself and for my kid, who doesn’t seem to realize the one person fighting for him is the one person he doesn’t want right now.
I don’t know that I can keep going. My mom is coming out on Christmas Eve, and I don’t know I can hang on that long.
Please, just help. That’s all I can ask for. I need help.
Shannon
December 1st, 2014
Dear Santa,
For Christmas, I would like a puppy. Mommy thinks it would be hard to look after me and a puppy at the same time, but I promise I will always cuddle it and feed it and brush its hair and hold its leash when we go on walks.
I would also like a new pair of sneakers. I’m getting really good on my crutches and have discovered I like running. My doctor has recommended a pair of fancy sneakers I can wear with special insoles to stop my feet and legs hurting as much. They’re really expensive, but Mommy said I can get them in my favorite color.
Please look after my Daddy and bring him home to us soon,
Love Christopher (aged 3)
Dear Eddie,
Christopher loves Christmas. He always has done, but this year, he seems to GET IT and he loves it! We made paperchains together yesterday, and he had a lot of fun folding the paper while I stapled it. He insisted the paperchains go in his room and who am I to argue? He also helped me prepare the cranberry-popcorn garlands – don’t worry, I kept him away from the needle while I was threading! He just passed me everything. He can pick up small objects better and better every week. When we finished decorating we put on Christmas music and danced around the house. It was absolutely magical. I wish you could have been there.
I’ve enclosed a photo of him with our Christmas tree, which he insisted I take and send to you. I’ve sent a copy to your aunt and grandma in California, too. I’ve also enclosed the picture he drew for you. You might not be able to tell, but it’s you, me, and him meeting Santa.
Stay safe and come home to us soon.
Shannon
Dear Santa,
I love that Christopher loves Christmas, but it was easier when he just lay and stared at the sparkling lights. Now he’s asking questions about Christmas traditions and the Christmas story and – the worst one – why everyone else at daycare had their daddies come to their Christmas show, not just their mommies and grandparents. That one hurt like a punch to the stomach.
I’m so proud of my big boy and how far he has come. Can you believe he’s old enough to tell me what to write in his Christmas letter?! (Please, I beg you, don’t bring us a puppy. Please. Christopher is enough to keep me busy!). He’s shot up, too – he’s getting so tall, but he might need another surgery next year because of it. He’s crying in pain more now than he ever has since his diagnosis.
Please look after my Christopher, Santa, and bring him his daddy home as soon as you can.
Shannon
May 20th, 2015
Dear Santa,
When I said I wanted Eddie to come back, I didn’t mean like this.
So much for keeping him safe.
Shannon.
December 1st, 2015
Dear Santa,
Thank you for bringing me my daddy home. I knew you could do it. For Christmas, please can I have some new books for Daddy to read for me, and some new clothes. Grandma insists on buying me clothes in camo print to match Daddy, and it makes Mommy uncomfortable.
I have an appointment next week with the physiotherapist for my 6-month checkup. Please can you help Mommy afford new mobility aids if I need them.
Thanks a lot,
Christopher (aged 4)
Dear Santa,
Jesus Christ, I thought things would be easier when Eddie got back. I thought we’d be a team, I thought I’d have help, but he might as well not be here at all. He’s good with Christopher, but he just lies down and lets Helena say whatever she likes. “You need to help him more, Shannon”. “Why would you let him struggle, Shannon?” “It’s dangerous for him to do that, Shannon”. He’s my fucking kid. I know his limits better than she does, and Christ he’s stubborn now. If Christopher wants to do something, he will DO IT. I encourage it. If Christopher wants to walk rather than be carried, he will walk. If Christopher wants to climb the stairs on his hands and feet rather, I’m not going to stop him, I’ll just be there to make sure he’s being safe. If Christopher wants to cut his own food, I’ll hand him the knife and fork myself.
I don’t think Eddie agrees with Helena, not really. He doesn’t coddle Christopher like she does. He lets Christopher get into the bath himself, and put his own clothes on, and practice his fine-motor skills rather than tell him he can’t do something. They were decorating sugar cookies together this afternoon. Christopher asked Helena if they could do it last week, and she told him he would find it too difficult to use the icing bag. He cried in my lap for an hour and Eddie didn’t fucking say anything, but then today I watched them pipe icing together and cover the kitchen table in sprinkles.
Eddie may be unable to stand up to his mother, and may be a pathetic excuse for a husband for it, but at least he’s a great Dad. I know I sound surprised by this, but I shouldn’t. Eddie’s just a great dad.
I just wish things between us were better.
Shannon
November 18th, 2016
Dear Santa,
Yeah, I know. Naughty list for life. I won’t even fight you on it.
I just couldn’t do it any more. It’s not Eddie. Well, it’s mostly not Eddie. It’s not Christopher. It’s never Christopher. It’s me. Or, should I say, me, with a big side-helping of Helena fucking Diaz.
I was never cut out to be a mom. I knew that when I was a kid. I knew that when I got pregnant. I knew that when I single-handedly ruined my baby’s life trying to birth him. All I keep thinking is “What if I’m tried harder to push?” or “I should have realized something was wrong” or even “they offered me an elective c-section. Why didn’t I take it?”. What kind of mother gives her child brain damage before he’s even entered the world?
I’ve never done anything but love my son. Love, adore, worship. And I’ve still never been enough for him. But I’ve always stepped the fuck up. I’ve fought doctors to believe there was something wrong with my child. I’ve fought Helena who insists I do something wrong, every single day of my life. I’ve fought with my husband, night after night, begging him to stand with me. Begging him to get his mother off my back. Begging him to be a goddamn father to his own goddamn kid. But now I’ve run out of fight.
Now it’s Eddie’s turn to step up.
I won’t be away forever. But I had a baby when I was a kid. I’ve nursed my son without support whilst my husband was halfway across the world. I nursed my husband back to health. I need time to myself. I need to know who I am, outside of my boys. I need time to be young, just for a bit.
Santa, please look after my boys. Let Eddie heal. Let Christopher grow up and know how loved he is.
Please, if you can, help them forgive me.
Shannon.
December 8th, 2016
Dear Santa,
All I want is for my boys to be happy and safe and loved.
I just need more time.
Shannon.
December 1st, 2017
Dear Santa,
My Daddy is going to be a firefighter next year and I’m really excited and really proud of him. I would also like to be a firefighter, with a helmet and some boots and a hose to put out the fires. I would like a firetruck to drive to fires in and a ladder in case I have to rescue a cat in a tree.
Love Christopher (aged 6)
ps pleez mak my daddy happy and mak him not yel at granma any more. pleez bring my mommy hom. lots of luv from Christopher
December 20th, 2017
Dear Santa,
I’m a coward, I know I am. I miss my boys so much. I want to kiss my son, I want to hug my husband. I want to feel less alone and less scared, but I’ve been away for so long. Do they even want me back? Has Eddie found Christopher a new mom? Has Christopher forgotten me? I want to reach out, but I don’t know how. How do you walk back into someone’s life after being gone so long?
Is this how Eddie felt in Afghanistan?
Please give me the strength to get back to my family, and watch over them until I can.
Shannon
December 1st, 2018
Dear Santa,
I hope you’ve had a nice year. I moved to California with Dad and now he’s a firefighter. I go to a new school now and have lots of friends. My dad is happy all the time and he has lots of friends, too.
For Christmas I would like:
- A new cooking pot for Abuela
- A pretty scarf for Tia Pepa
- A book about animals for Buck
- A snuggly blanket for Dad
There isn’t anything I want for Christmas. I just want my Mommy back. Please bring Mommy back like you brought Daddy back when he went away.
Thank you and have a merry Christmas!
Love, Christopher (aged 7)
December 12th, 2018
Dear Santa,
I know I don’t deserve it, but please let me see my boy. I’ve been a terrible mother and I’ve let him down every day of his life, but I’ve loved him for every day of mine and miss him so much it breaks my heart.
I get why Eddie is keeping me away. I wouldn’t trust me either, not after everything.
But every day without Christopher is breaking my heart. He is the light of my life. He is my reason to get up in the morning.
I honestly thought leaving was the right thing to do at the time. I honestly thought he’d be better off without his failure of a mother. But being apart from him, but so near, is killing me. He came by the other day while I was still there, and Eddie made me sneak out. From my own son. I thought I’d run out of tears, but I cried all morning.
Please, Santa. Let Eddie trust me again. Let me see my beautiful Christopher and hold him in my arms. Let me press a kiss to his face and run my fingers through his hair. Let me love him out loud.
That is all I want. I’m begging Santa. Please.
Shannon
December 26th, 2018
Dear Santa.
Thank you.
Shannon.