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It’s a strange feeling, coming back to the place where you were born. Everything feels the same. The buildings, the streets, the corner shops engulfing the small alleyways. As if you know the town better than the palm of your hand. Thousand steps walked through, thousand breaths taken there. It hosted all of your griefs, sorrows. And then it all falls apart. You abandon it. In turn—it abandons you. The warm feeling of protectedness you felt from it goes away, replaced by coldness.
That’s the feeling Yuzu was currently feeling.
Karakura was the same, as she remembers it.
Her legs, as if on autopilot, paced lightly through the streets, slowly making her way back home. The weather was unremarkable and she liked that. Neither cold, nor too warm. No winds, no rain.
Just fine.
Her breath was steady as she walked, coming in small puffs. Some might say she is dressed light for the winter but she would beg to differ. Winters in Karakura have always been quite mellow, with chilly but calm winds and light snow. And even then it rarely stayed for longer than a few hours.
She looks around as her surroundings slowly melt into each other. She notices the restaurant that her dad used to bring her family to when Yuzu was just a child. After that the store she used to go to when she was buying ingredients for her cooking. The park she used to sit at when the summer heats got too much for her. The little flower shop she used to visit from time to time, to get houseplants after the ones before that met their inevitable demise.
She took a deep breath. Things were familiar…too familiar for her liking. Sooner or later she would be there again and she couldn’t do anything about it. Same entrance to the clinic, same front door to their house. Same everything.
She hated that.
She hated it all, coming back, the slow walk there, the talk that was soon to follow.
All she wanted to do was scream. Run away and never look back. Wipe this wretched place from her mind. Maybe then she could breathe easier. “Maybe I'd finally sleep at night.”
“Maybe.” That was all she could muster. An indecisive “maybe”. It was not good enough for her but it was all that she had.
She can do this.
Or at least she hopes so.
If she can’t, then all she did was a waste of time, as much as she didn’t want to think about it like that. Time that she could have spent doing anything else really. Studying maybe, preparing an assignment. Actually enjoying herself, for once.
She took another deep breath. She can do this.
Her feet suddenly halted to a pause. The sign to her family’s clinic was standing just as tall and proudly as she remembered. Bold letters caught her eyes. A small part of her missed the sight of it. The doors to it were closed and lights—dimmed. Either her father was somewhere outside, or in the house. She took small steps. Light and steady. The gate and the door alike were unlocked, almost as if awaiting for her.
The door handle felt familiar in her grasp, the motion coming naturally to her. Almost as if coming home. Almost.
The same couldn’t be said about what awaited her on the side, though. The once pristine house she loved so much had lost its sheen, instead replaced by…mediocrity. The exact word was escaping her at the moment, but mediocrity was a good descriptor. The spotless floors were still clean, yes, but splatters could be noticed if you looked hard enough. Dust has settled in as well, masking the beautiful light wood color she was used to seeing. Dishes, even though clean, were clearly disorganized, sitting in random places on the counters. Clothes were also scattered on the chairs and sofa–unfolded, with wrinkles hugging the fabric. Where was her father?
She stepped inside, taking off her shoes and putting her backpack on the sofa. Her gaze shifted to the left first, nothing. Right—still nothing. Peculiar, but not out of the ordinary. In the rare moments that everybody else was off doing something else—like fighting spirits or whatever—she found herself in a similar situation. He will return… eventually. It made sense—after all, he didn’t even know she would be coming back. And truth to be told, she herself didn’t know it until the very last moment.
Till the very last moment, she wanted to avoid this. Karakura. This house. What had remained of her family.
But her own emotions were eating her alive, slowly but surely. Swarms of thought were coursing through her mind. That she abandoned her family. That she was selfish for doing what she did. Her father loved her to pieces, so did her brother and she abandoned them in cold blood. She hated herself for it, she hated the happiness that she felt. She was a bad daughter, bad sister. Bad housekeeper. But, she knew she couldn’t go on like that. Ignoring herself and her desires, only to keep pretending to be her mother. She was her own person.
So she ran. Far far away. Away from the spirits, from shinigami, from all of the trouble that followed them. She ran from her brother and the enormous shadow he cast on her. From her father.
Now, she is not fully sure why she is back. She knew that she wanted to have one last chat with her father before she goes back to her own life, but she didn’t know what she was expecting out of it. To forgive him? To get the recognition that he stole away her childhood, just so their family had a mother? To hurt him just as much as she hurt throughout the years? Maybe. But maybe not. She just knew she wanted to close this chapter of her life, one way or another.
She took another look at the living room and kitchen and the mess that was covering it. One last time. She would do this one last time. After all, this was her home once too. She rolled her sleeves and got into a familiar rhythm.
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By the time her father came back, it was dark outside.
In the meantime, Yuzu found herself not only tidying up, but also cooking up a simple meal both for her and her father.
The moment he stepped into the living room, Yuzu was done with what she set out to do, so she was simply laying on the couch.
“Yuzu? Is that you?” her father’s voice broke the comfortable silence.
She got quite used to it, in the several hours she was alone. She hadn’t said anything, and yet she wanted to return to it
“Yes… I decided that I might stop by for a few hours. See how you’re doing.”
She stood up from the couch, getting into a sitting position. Isshin’s face was unreadable. Shock was definitely present, but there was something else too. Something more…subtle. Anguish? Sorrow? It was hard to put her finger on it.
He looked older. She felt a pang of sadness in her chest. His hair was lighter, white hairs are not only visible, but prominent. His beard was also swarmed by white hairs, almost as if his face was dusted with powdered sugar.
He looked tired. “She was the worst,” ran through her head,
“I’m sorry for the mess.” His eyes were relaxed. "I didn't expect any guests. I would have cleaned up if I knew you were coming.”
“It’s alright. I wanted it to be that way… I missed you.” It felt weird to admit it so fast, but the words slipped out of her mouth before she was able to process what she was about to say. They felt both heavy and light at the same time. She stared at his face again. “A lot. Big brother too. How is he?”
As if the mention of her big brother snapped him out of his trance, Isshin took a breath and took a seat at the table, facing her. “He is fine. Both him and Zangetsu. They got hitched together, actually.”
A wave of curiosity washed over Yuzu, “Him and Zangetsu? They’re together?”
“You didn’t know? They got married a year ago.” He was staring deep into Yuzu’s eyes, weighing her reactions. There was nothing to weigh though, she was incredibly happy about her brother. It seemed that her dad picked up on that, his stance relaxing into the chair. “I’m not surprised, I also learned after the fact. Think a month after the wedding?”
“I see…and what about you, dad?” she couldn't help but ask.
“You know how it is. There are always patients, so it’s never boring. But it could be busier.”
“True. It did seem slow, when I came.”
“When did you come? Are you hungry? I can whip up something for the both of us.” He stood up from the chair, reaching for the fridge “Ah…” his gaze shifted to Yuzu. “Thank you, Yuzu. I missed your cooking.”
She didn’t say anything in return, instead just averted her gaze to the floor. It lingered there. The quiet hums of cutlery filled her ears. Dishes being served, table being put together. Footsteps approached her.
She felt it first—the warmth. Lazily spreading through her body. She didn’t notice when, but Isshin enveloped her into a soft hug. She couldn’t help but look up. His eyes looked even more tired up close. She hated that.
“I missed you too, Yuzu.” He pulled her closer. “Not just your cooking. The house feels emptier without you.”
An uncomfortable wave of emotions hit her. On one hand, his words cut deep into her, because she gets it. She has been used to a certain type of chaos that is just not present in her life anymore. Nights are too quiet, mornings are too peaceful, devoid of the usual antics of her older brother and her father. At times, she finds herself missing that. Another, more uncomfortable feeling in her, screams that she doesn’t want to spend any second longer in that house, let alone make it more lively—as Isshin may be subtly alluding to.
Just as fast as the hug came initially, it disappeared just as swiftly. Instead of waiting for her to respond, he gently tugged on her right arm, “C’mon,” head tilting towards the dining table “let’s eat. Can’t let the food go to waste, can we?”
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It felt weird to be standing next to her father so casually. The man was usually so full of energy, impossible to calm down. He’d scream at the top of his lungs, going on to his shenanigans. Now, sitting so quietly and peacefully, he looked somewhat defeated, as if he didn’t see a point in putting on a show like he used to.
It was Yuzu, who first broke the newfound silence between them. “I might be going soon. My train is leaving in 2 hours.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay here for the night?”
“No, no. I already have my ticket booked. Plus, I don't want to be causing more trouble than I did.”
“Yuzu, you are my daughter. You’ve never created trouble for me. Don’t say things like that.”
Another painful sensation spread through her body. “I said what’s on my mind.”
A soft sigh escaped Isshin’s mouth. “So? Why are you here?”
It surprised Yuzu just how casually he said it. A question that has been on her mind the whole day. And yet, he treated it as if it was a minor inconvenience. She didn’t have an answer for it and that infuriated her. “I’m asking myself the same thing.” She took a second, trying and failing to ground herself.
Why?
The words spewed out of her mouth uncontrollably. She didn’t think. Couldn’t think, just kept the words flooding out.
“I want so much.” She paused for a split second. “And yet so little of you. I want to see you everyday, and yet I want to wipe whatever memories I have of you. I hate you just as much as I hate myself. And I hate you for that. Because you made me into this. A mess of a person that can barely decide if she’s a child or an adult, because she feels like neither.”
She paused for a second, forcing herself to open her eyes. She didn’t even realize when she closed them. She took a deep breath to steady herself, before continuing.
“You stole my childhood by forcing me to grow up and you didn’t even stop to think about what you did to me, because it matters that little to you.” She needed to calm down. This is not going to achieve anything. Her gaze shifted through the room, focusing on the pictures on the wall, then back to Isshin. It was not working.
“I want to make sense of myself and I thought coming here would help me.”
She hated crying.
It made her look weaker than she is. It either made people look at her with pity or disdain. And yet, she felt the prickling sensation in her eyes. It was hot and annoying, and it made her vision blurry, but currently, she didn’t care about it.
“But that was stupid of me to think.” It was getting hard to speak clearly by the minute, words lumping in her throat. “I just want to know what to do with myself.”
Isshin only scooted quietly closer to her, arms wrapping around her once more.
“I know I have not been the best father.” His grip, even though still gentle, tightened around Yuzu’s frame. “I tried my best, but it was far from enough. Neither for you nor Karin, nor Ichigo.”
His lips were rougher than she remembered them. Far cry from tough, but not soft either. They gently landed on the top of Yuzu’s head. “I’m sorry, Yuzu. I failed you.”
She lifted her head gently, looking into his eyes. The same eyes that looked impossibly old, now looked secure. Warm. They felt like home again. “I will spend my whole life making up to you. I just want you to know, you will always have a place in my home and my heart, whatever version it is. Because I love every version of you—past or present.”
Before she could process the weight of what Isshin said, he continued, “I’m sorry for stealing your childhood away. I’m sorry for forcing you into a role you were not meant to take.”
She buried herself back into his embrace, holding him tight.