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He should have known—it was always the fucking desmotropes that got him. He wasted ten minutes on that exam waving his hands in the air, racking his brain for things he ought to know about tautomerism and the shape of nucleotides. Never mind that he couldn’t remember all the steps of fatty acid synthesis by the time he got to the end, panicked as he saw the clock counting down the seconds out of the corner of his eye.
He must’ve bombed it. Most certainly. And the worst part was, he had felt so confident going in.
Will pressed his lips together tight as he closed the door behind him, grateful to be back at their apartment so he could cry in peace. He shared the three-bedroom with Connor and a friend from freshman year, Lane. And Nico, of course. Always Nico. But there was no one home at the moment; Connor had his Linear Algebra final for the next hour or so, Lane was at work in the campus coffee shop, and Nico was taking his exam on Bronze Age civilizations. All the better to drop himself onto the tiny living room sofa, stained with that fifth of Jager that Cecil spilled last time he was over, and sob into his hands.
Advanced Biochemistry was a graduation requirement for his major. If he failed it…
No. He couldn’t think about that. He couldn’t spiral too hard about all the bad decisions he’d made this semester. He lost a medical internship after getting in a fight with the supervisor, and then lost weeks of sleep when Kayla got injured in a monster attack. He failed vector calculus by two percent and got into a huge fight with Nico after falling asleep while studying and missing their dinner date. It seemed like every possible thing that could go wrong in his life was going wrong, and every conversation he had with Lou Ellen was making him wonder if he really wanted to be a doctor at all.
But if he gave up now, what was he?
Nothing.
So he couldn’t quit, and he couldn’t succeed, either. When he was eighteen years old and packing up to leave Camp Half-Blood, everything seemed so clear. He and Nico would go to university together, they’d rent an apartment and Will would become a successful doctor. It was all crystal-clear and simple and perfect and now it was all falling apart.
And it hurt, really. To feel like he was letting everyone down. Even Lee, even Michael. His mom, his friends, his boyfriend. All his life, Will had given them the expectation that he’d be successful as a doctor. He’d do well in school. And now? With a sinking GPA and a giant pile of laundry and a merit scholarship he was about to lose?
He heard a key turn in the door.
Will hastily tried to wipe the tears from his eyes, reaching for the TV remote to look like he was doing something other than wallowing in his own mistakes. That was the worst of it, anyway—that no one could be blamed for his own shitty decisions. It was all him. The once-responsible Will Solace, throwing his life away.
Nico closed the door and came into the kitchen behind him, tossing his keys onto the dish and dropping his backpack by the counter. “Hey, amore,” he said softly, a smile on his voice while he couldn’t see Will’s face. “How was your final? I got us beignets from that place near Amphis Hall.”
He set the bag on the counter, opening it up and pulling out a white box. “I know you like them a lot,” he added.
“Yum,” Will replied, hating how his voice cracked on the word, betraying that he had been crying. Hearing just that word, Nico paused, his brows knitting together.
“Will? Are you okay?”
No point in lying, was there?
“No,” Will admitted, finally turning around to face Nico.
Nico studied Will’s face for a moment—a face that was almost certainly blotchy, red, and tear-stricken in the least flattering way imaginable. He watched Nico’s features soften from concern to melancholy.
“Here,” he said, pulling out a small plate and placing a beignet on top of it. “Eat. You’ll feel better.”
“M’not hungry,” Will protested, looking down at the back of the sofa.
“Did you eat anything for lunch yet?” To Will’s lack of a response, he sighed. “That’s what I thought.”
He brought the plate with him, steps light and delicate across the old laminate flooring of the place they were renting. He was dressed so nicely that day—a dark, boxy maroon leather jacket over a black sweater and slate gray jeans. He looked so beautiful, so perfect. So much compared to Will’s worn-out blue hoodie, cargo shorts and the crocs that Nico insisted were fashion suicide. He used to put in a little more effort, but lately it felt like everything was harder. Even getting out of bed.
Nico sat on the sofa, which was so small that their knees knocked together. He held out the plate to Will, dark eyes burrowing into the depths of his soul.
“Eat.”
Will could feel himself tearing up again. There was something about the way Nico looked at him—like he was everything—and it hurt. It hurt because Will knew he could never be everything. Hell, he was struggling to be anything at the moment.
Still, he took the beignet, giving it the smallest bite. It was good…soft, sweet. The powdered sugar stuck to his fingers and his lips. Nico watched him the whole time, gaze steeped with affection. Will felt his mood lighten just a smidge—not enough, sure. But somewhat.
“Feel better?” Nico asked as he took another bite.
Will swallowed. “A little,” he admitted softly, though part of him felt guilty about that, too. He couldn’t wash away his mistakes with flour and sugar, and as long as he was sitting here enjoying himself, the rest of his life was only spiraling into more disaster.
He took another bite as Nico settled closer, contorting himself so he could lean his head onto Will’s shoulder and sink his nose into the dusty blue fabric of his hoodie. When Will finished the beignet, setting it on the coffee table in front of them, Nico spoke.
“So I take it your final didn’t go well?”
“No,” Will answered, choking up even as he said it. Gods, he was so pathetic. He couldn’t even admit what happened without losing it.
Nico hummed in response, turning over thoughts in his head. Will braced himself for the platitudes: The “your grades don’t define you!” and “we’ll get through this together!”.
Instead, reaching out to fiddle with the drawstrings of Will’s hoodie, Nico said, “That sucks.”
Will laughed, the sound drawn out of him so suddenly that he surprised himself. It was watery, yes, but it was real.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “It really does suck.”
“Do you think you’ll have to retake the class?” Nico asked, tying the two drawstrings into a little bow. Will felt himself shrug.
“I…I don’t know. Maybe? With my luck, yeah.”
Nico tilted his head up and kissed Will’s cheek. It was fast, but soft.
“I didn’t realize you were the unluckier one between the two of us.”
Will gave a dry laugh at that one, too. “I guess things change.”
Nico hummed in agreement yet again. “I guess they do.”
They sat there in silence for a moment. Nico untied the strings of Will’s hoodie and then tied them again, eyes following the movement intently. Will turned his head to bury his nose in Nico’s hair, breathing in the shampoo. It was nice, this. A moment of solitude.
“I just…” Will found himself whispering. “I just feel like everything I do lately goes to shit.”
Nico nodded, dropping the hoodie strings. He shifted to look up at Will.
“Does that mean I’ve gone to shit?”
Will took a second to register the comment, but when it did he felt his entire face flush as he choked on laughter, doubling over.
“Nico!”
“What?” Nico asked, playing innocent but grinning wickedly. “I mean that seriously. Surely I’m the exception. I mean, you do—”
“I heard you the first time.”
“Just making sure.”
“You are…” Will shook his head, smiling as he leaned over Nico, grabbing his hands. “You’re something, alright. Here I thought you were going to comfort me—”
“That’s what I’m doing!”
“And instead you’re making dirty jokes.” He leaned forward to press his forehead to Nico’s, gazing into those big brown eyes. “You’re so utterly ridiculous.”
“And so are you,” Nico said, still smiling but expression marginally more stern, “if you really believe what I think you believe.”
Will let out a short exhale.
“What…what do you mean?”
“You’ve been…” Nico reached out to cup Will’s face, “...so hard on yourself lately. Overworking yourself, staying up all night studying, blaming everything that happens on yourself. Like Kayla getting hurt—”
“If I had been there, I could have fixed it—”
“—to your supervisor dropping you from that internship. You couldn’t have been there at Camp Half-Blood, Will. You and I both know that, just like we know the supervisor was being unfair to the other intern and you had every right to stand up for her.”
Will felt the tears bubbling up again, and he reached out to grab Nico’s knees and ground himself.
“But—”
Nico glared at him. “No buts, Will. It wasn’t your fault those things happened. You have been nothing but kind and caring and good, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. That isn’t your fault.”
“But I’m not a good person, though,” Will cried, pulling away from Nico. He turned to the side, clutching at the back of the sofa. “I’m not, I’m stupid and I keep making mistakes and I…” He sobbed into the cushion, fingers clawing into the fabric. “It was me who kept deciding to stay up all night and started missing things. It was me who couldn’t keep up, who didn’t study enough, who—”
He took a heaving breath, unable to get the words out. Nico reached over to rub his shoulder soothingly, not interrupting, letting him speak.
“It’s me who’s hurting you, who’s letting everyone down. And I don’t even know if I want to be a doctor anymore, but I don’t know what I want, and I…”
His voice cracked at the seams. “And I’m scared that you…that all of you will see how I really am, and…” He clenched his fingers tighter, dropping his head against the cushion. “And you’ll see that I’m just falling apart.”
“Oh, tesoro,” Nico said softly, reaching out to brush the curls out of his face, stroke his cheek. “You could fall apart a thousand times over and I’d still love you for who you are.”
Will choked back his tears.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do,” he said simply, reaching forward to take Will’s face in his hands and turn Will towards him. “I do mean that. I don’t care if you drop out of college and peddle tchotchkes for a living. I don’t care if you don’t make a dollar of income for the rest of your life. I just want you to be happy, Will. That’s all I want.”
“But I can’t…” Will sighed. “I can’t give up, Nico. I’ve spent my whole life thinking…my whole life knowing that I’d do this. That I’d be a doctor. That I’d be successful. And now, it’s like…it’s like nothing is certain anymore.”
“And that’s scary,” Nico said, “isn’t it?”
Will nodded.
“Yeah, I get that.” He shifted closer, wrapping his arms around Will’s waist. “I feel that way too, sometimes. I don’t think I told you this, but when I got back to my dorm after my first day of classes freshman year, I broke down crying for a solid hour. It was all so much. So many new buildings and faces and names and subjects and…and it had been years since I’d even been in school formally. And our schedules didn’t line up, so I didn’t see you at all…and it just felt like too much. Like the world was too loud and I was too overwhelmed and all I could do at that point was sit and cry.”
Nico sat back a little, sighing.
“I remember thinking that maybe college wasn’t just for me. I didn’t know how to tell you that—that the dream we had of being together here wasn’t going to work out. I thought you would hate me, and so I didn’t tell you anything.”
“I’m sorry,” Will whispered, “for making you feel like you couldn’t talk to me.”
Nico chuckled, his eyes sparkling.
“That’s just the thing, Solace. A few weeks later, when I was feeling down in the dumps about the midterms coming up, you told me something. You told me we were going out for dinner after our first midterms, no matter how we did. It didn’t matter if I aced it or I failed, you’d still drag me out to that Turkish restaurant I’d had my eyes on and you’d still kiss me as the sun set over the hills and you’d still love me, no matter what. You didn’t say it so directly, but I understood. And you know what? That’s all I needed. To know that no matter what, you’d be here for me. That we were in this, together.”
He took Will’s hand in his own, tracing out the lines of his palm.
“That’s what got me through my first semester. And it doesn’t matter if this turns out different, if you can’t get through, if you change your major or drop out of school entirely. I’ll be here to help you figure it out, okay?”
Will gave him a watery laugh.
“Even if I end up peddling tchotchkes?”
“Even if you end up peddling tchotchkes,” Nico reassured. “Especially, then. Fuck it, I’ll even help you out. We’ll shadow-travel between houses.”
Will burst out, somewhere between laughing and crying, wrapping Nico in a tight hug.
“How do you always know what to say?” He asked between tears, burying his face in Nico’s neck.
Nico hugged him back, shrugging. “Maybe it’s because I spend more time thinking and less time running my mouth, Solace.”
“Oh, I’ll get you for that.”
“I’m so bad at biochemistry,” he admitted tearfully after a short pause, as Nico traced soothing lines down his back. “And math. And folding laundry. And everything else.”
“You’re good at making chili though,” Nico decided thoughtfully. “And…sex.”
Will laughed again, squeezing Nico tighter. “Chili and sex,” he repeated, turning that over in his mind. “I can live with that.”
“Is this a bad time to admit I was lying about the sex part?”
Will pulled back, mock-offended.
“Hey! Take that back!”
“You’re still good at chili!” Nico defended, throwing up his hands.
Will gasped. “You better be joking, you little—”
Will lunged for him, but Nico took off faster, jumping off the couch and running into the foyer.
“Get back here!” Will screeched.
Nico cackled evilly, eyes gleaming as he disappeared into their bedroom. Will ran after him, and they chased each other a few laps around the room before Nico dashed out back towards the couch.
“Sorry you had to find out the truth this way!” Nico called, voice lilted with laughter as Will tried and failed to corner him.
“You’re the worst boyfriend ever!” Will declared, wailing as he faced off around the kitchen counter. “A traitor! A menace!”
Nico threw his head back and laughed, a delighted sound so beautiful that Will barely realized he had an opening. Just in the nick of time, he surged forward, pinning Nico against the wall in the space between the end of the counter and the door to the AC unit.
Nico looked up at him, mischief flashing in his eyes.
“Well, hello there,” he said, voice low.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” Will heaved, breathless, “and it’s not going to work.”
Nico chuckled, reaching out to place one hand on Will’s chest.
“It kind of seems like it is.”
Will sighed, relenting as he leaned forward and took Nico’s lips in a deep, warm kiss. Nico melted into him, wrapping his arms around Will’s neck.
When he pulled away, Nico was gazing up at him fondly.
“You gotta tell me if you need help, okay?” he said, brushing his thumb along Will’s jaw. “You have to talk to me. If you hide things from me, I can’t help you.”
Will bit his lip, nodding.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Nico said, leaning forward to kiss him again. This one was softer, like reassurance.
“We’ll talk about this more later, okay? Tomorrow, even. When you’ve had time to get out of the dumps.”
Will nodded, closing his eyes and leaning forward to lean against Nico fully.
“I love you,” he whispered. “Thanks for…being there.”
“And how many times have you been there for me, huh?” Nico carded his hands through Will’s hair, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “This is me returning the favor.”
»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«
They stayed like that for a little while—against the wall, just holding each other. At least, until Nico’s stomach growled so loud that Will pulled away, laughing, offering him one of the beignets.
Nico had tutoring to go to in the afternoon, and Will walked with him to the door, holding his jacket.
“Go watch a movie or something,” Nico told him, taking the jacket to put it on. “Maybe one of the prequels. There’s more beignets in the fridge if you want them—”
“Nico,” Will sighed, smiling.
“—and you don’t need to worry about picking up my laundry from next door, I’ll do it myself. And—”
“Nico,” Will repeated.
“And if you get tired of the beignets, just call me and I’ll pick up—”
“Nico!” Will gasped, rolling his eyes as he laughed. “I’ll be fine! I’ll be okay.” He leaned forward to place a quick peck on Nico’s lips. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Says the king of worrying,” Nico replied, rolling his eyes. “I just…I don’t want you spiraling the second that I leave.”
Will shrugged. “I can’t promise that.” He gave Nico a small smile. “But at least now, I’ll be spiraling while remembering that you still love me.”
Nico gave him an exasperated look.
“I guess that’s better than nothing.”
“It is.” Will wrapped him in one last hug. “Thank you. I’ll see you tonight.”
Nico returned the hug, squeezing his waist.
“When finals week is over, we’ll go around San Francisco to celebrate. There’s a couple days before our flight, anyway.”
Will pulled away, quirking his eyebrow.
“Celebrate my failure?”
Nico chuckled. “Yeah. Celebrate your spectacular, epic failure. We’ll burn sacrifices to the opposite of Nike. The failure god. Thank him for blessing us with such a miracle of a disaster.”
Will snorted. “Oh, come on. I didn’t do that bad.”
Nico giggled. “No, you didn’t. But even if you did…it would be okay.”
He pulled Will in close for one more kiss before turning around. “Now, I really got to go. You’re going to make me late.”
Will snorted. “You make yourself late, di Angelo.”
Nico waved him off. “Technicalities.” He opened the door and looked back, smiling.
“I love you.”
Will waved him off.
“I love you too.”
Nico hummed, pleased, as he closed the door behind him, leaving Will to turn the lock.
»——————⋆◦★◦⋆——————«
The afternoon went both better and worse than Will expected.
He took a good shower, dressing himself in clean and cozy pajamas before flopping into bed. He pulled out his laptop and watched Revenge of the Sith. He had a good, solid cry to it. Connor came back and they played cards while Will ranted about how awful his teachers were and his classes were and his life was. Connor always knew how to make light of things, though, and by the end they were dying laughing over the nickname they had invented for one of the math professors.
Then Connor had dinner plans and he left, leaving Will alone in the living room for a while. Lane got back and had to finish up a final project, so Will lazed around for a while, thinking about how much of his life he might’ve wasted. He thought about telling his mom about his failures and felt sick to his stomach.
Then, against all of his instincts, he called her.
“Sweetie?” came her voice, rich as honey. Will felt something inside him soften the second he heard it.
“Hey, ma,” Will replied, voice shaky. “I…I don’t know why I called.”
She paused before speaking.
“That’s okay, darlin’,” she replied, gentle. “Is there anything you want to tell me, hun?”
“I…” Will trailed off, unsure. “I don’t know if I want to tell you,” he admitted.
She chuckled. “So it’s bad?”
“Yeah…kind of.”
“Alright, then.”
Will sat there, phone to his ear, for a couple of moments. He closed his eyes and imagined he was with her in Texas, sitting in her arms. He was much too big to curl up in her lap, anymore. He missed doing that.
Finally, after a long, long run of silence, he spoke.
“Mama,” he asked, “Are…are you proud of me?”
She chuckled, like it was a silly question to even ask. “‘Course I am, darling.”
“Why?”
She didn’t hesitate at all.
“Because you have a good heart,” she answered. “A real good heart, and a big one, too.”
He felt tears brim at the edge of his eyes.
“How do you know that?”
“Because you’re so kind, Will,” she said. “You’re not perfect, sure. You make mistakes. But you always try to make it right, to do good by other people. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing…doesn’t matter if you’re doing it well. You’re always trying to be good. That’s why I’m proud of you.”
Will sniffled, tears spilling from his eyes.
“Thanks, ma.”
“Any time, sweetheart. Now I got a gig to get to, but you be good, alright? I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Will chuckled, wiping the tears from his eyes with his free hand.
“Alright, mama. I’ll be good.”
“Love you!” she called, giving the mic a big, loud kiss.
Will laughed, holding the phone away from his ear to avoid going deaf.
“I love you too.”
He hung up the phone, staring at it as he waited for Nico to come home.
He was still anxious about everything, sure. It still felt like his life was an unending series of disasters. But perhaps things could be done. Classes could be retaken, majors could be changed, plans could be reworked. It was a comfort knowing that, at the end of it all, Nico would be waiting for him, and so would his mom. Even if he made them mad, even if things fell apart. There was always going to be little bits of lightness to look forward to, even if they weren’t his own.
And he was far from perfect, but…
…maybe he could still be okay.